Well the good news is I managed not to wind up on any juries last week. My mobility was so bad on Wednesday that they took one look at me hobbling in, excused me for serving and sent me right back home for which honestly I was extremely grateful as I was dreading having to sit there all day with limited pain relief.

The bad news is two fold,

a.) the salmon fishing I’m doing is only reliving memories of past trips to Oswego NY in my younger years. Salmon don’t run in Texas and even if they did I couldn’t hobble out into any stream to catch them the way my legs have been acting up lately. I’m hoping it’s simply the normal seasonal change pain and swelling I’m experiencing and that I’ll be back to normal shortly.

b.) Impish has already eaten all the candy we received/swiped/cajoled or stole trick or treating. Even the box of liqueurs in miniature chocolate bottles that someone gave specifically to me while he got 15# of candy corn.

It’s ok though, you should have seen the look in his eyes when he gobble the dozen chocolate covered Scotch Bonnet peppers that I had left conspicuously right next to my chocolate stash  in a box marked Chocolate Covered Cherries the next time he came through. Then again, the howls of anguish coming from the little dragon’s room about 4 hours later were pretty epic too.

[Lethal wipes his eye while attempting to stifle a chuckle at the memory] Moving right along-

While I figure Impish will have more on this this weekend I’m going to take a moment to mention this now. Next Tuesday, November 8th is Election Day. Get out and vote. Yes there will be lines. Yes there will be inclement weather in some places. Yes once again we are faced with choosing between the lesser of two evils. Get out there and vote anyway. Just suck it up and do it.

Once every four years WE THE PEOPLE are given an opportunity to express our wish for the direction the country should be taken in as well as the actions of those who are in office looking to be re-elected.  If we the ‘common sense’ faction don’t get out and express ourselves things skew too far to the Left or to the Right and that’s when the bad things happen. Of course when things are fair and balanced pretty much nothing happens. That’s probably the biggest problem with a 2 party system.

I’m not going to tell you to whom to vote for, that is strictly your choice. What I am going to tell you is that a lot of American’s down through the years have died to protect your right to vote (among other rights). Please do not dishonor them and their efforts by blowing it off.

Alright off with the lot of you then. Enjoy the issue. I’ve got to go polish and place finishing touches on one of the hardest issues I do every year, The Veteran’s Day Issue which you’ll see next week right here.

I think Ninja Kitty Clan Mistress SC is trying to tell me something!

The Top 5 Signs Your Debate Is Going Poorly

5.)  Your opponent’s opening statement directs the audience’s attention to your mismatched socks and open fly.

4.) “And that is why I ask you to erect me President.”

3.) Halfway through your opening statement your campaign manager’s resignation letter lands on your lectern.

2.) You find yourself saying, “…and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those damn Millennials!”

And the Number One Sign Your Debate Is Going Poorly…

1.) Moderator: “Whadaya say to that, dumbass?”

I hear this happens a lot during elections

DIVORCE  AGREEMENT

The  person who wrote this is a college (law) student. Perhaps there is hope  for us after all.

Dear  American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and  Obama supporters, et al:

We  have stuck together since  the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest  election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we  tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations,  but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our  two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is  right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and  chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own  way.

Here  is our separation agreement:

–Our  two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a  similar portion.  That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our  two sides can come to a friendly agreement.  After that, it should be  relatively easy!  Our respective representatives can effortlessly  divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate  tastes.

–We  don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

–You  are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

–Since  you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the  military.

–We’ll  take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go  with wind, solar and biodiesel.

–You  can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however,  responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three  of them.

–We’ll  keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, WalMart  and Wall Street.

–You  can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless,  homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

–We’ll  keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and  rednecks.

–We’ll  keep Bill O’Reilly, and Bibles and give you NBC and  Hollywood.

–You  can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade  and hammer places that threaten us.

–You  can have the peaceniks and war protesters.

—  When  our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them  security.

–We’ll  keep our Judeo-Christian values.

–You  are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and  Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be  paying the bill.

–We’ll  keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take  every Volt and Leaf you can find.

–You  can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing  doctors.

–We’ll  keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National  Anthem.”

–I’m  sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World  to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

–We’ll  practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up  poverty your best shot.

–Since  it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our  flag.

Would  you agree to this?  If so, please pass it along to other like-minded  liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit  delete.  In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you might think  about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John  J. Wall

Law  Student and an American

P.S.   Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen,  Barbara Streisand, ( Hanoi ) Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S.   And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our  country.

Forward  This Every Time You Get It!  Let’s Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It  Will Start Sinking In!

OH STOP GROANING! It’s not like I didn’t warn you! 

Some girl made this for her brother.  It went viral.

Recipes You Absolutely Can’t Fuck Up

By: The best goddamned sister in the whole world

Caring for your cast iron pan:

I have already seasoned it for the year but basic up-keep is needed to make sure you have a long lasting and faithful workhorse for your kitchen.

● DON’T YOU EVER DARE TO PUT IT IN THE DISHWASHER!!!

● Unless you get rust you do not need to put it in water

● When cleaning, simply put on medium heat and add vegetable oil and salt, scrub it out then wipe clean with a paper towel and a bit of oil.

● Cast iron and eggs aren’t the best of friends, avoid pairing them unless you want a lot of clean up.

● These fuckers get hot so use a hot pad or kitchen rag when handling.

● You only need to season these once a year unless you develop rust

○ Make sure there is no food burned to the pan

○ Rub a thin layer of solid fat (Crisco or lard, either works but I use crisco) into the pan

○ Place the pan in a 400 degree oven and leave for 1 hour (it will be smoky)

○ After the time is up turn off the oven and leave pan in until room temp.

–> If you develop RUST, scrub thoroughly in hot water with soap, dry and follow seasoning steps.

The most important thing to remember is that cooking is an art, it’s about experimentation and having fun. These are simple recipes to get your feet wet and are easy to tinker with when you start to branch out. Find your own rhythm in the kitchen and make your own style. Not everything will turn out perfect on the first try but don’t get discouraged because failure is how you learn. Go wild and enjoy yourself, just don’t burn down the house in the process. Merry Christmas, jerk face.

Chicken Soup So Simple A Caveman Can Do It.

Unless you’re so dumb you couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel, then you’re shit out of luck.

Ingredients

● 1 Whole broiler/fryer chicken

● 1 Bag of egg noodles

● 2 Whole white onions

● 4 Stalks of celery

● 4 Carrots

● 3 Bay leaves

● 2 Tbs Basil

● 1 Tbs Rosemary

● 1tsp Paprika

● Salt and Pepper to taste

Instructions

Place the chicken in a large pot with one quartered onion, two carrots, and two stalks of celery. Fill the pot with water until it just covers the chicken, place on low heat and simmer for 2-4 hours. Once cooked, remove chicken and spent veggies from pot and allow chicken to cool before boning and skinning (Reserve one breast and one thigh worth of meat for Chicken salad). Chop the remaining onion, carrots, and celery then add to pot. Add bay leaves, basil, rosemary, and paprika. Wait 10 minutes for carrot to soften then add the chicken and the bag of noodles. When noodles are soft, serve and stuff your face.

Leftover Chicken Salad So Your Lazy Ass Can Make Two Meals At Once

If you can’t make this, then you’re pretty much hopeless.

Ingredients

● Leftover chicken, or 1/2 lb boiled chicken.

● 1 Stalk of celery

● 1/4 c. Mayo (None of that Miracle Whip bullshit, man up and get the good shit)

● 2 Tbs Deli Mustard (Not that bright yellow crap that goes on hotdogs)

● 1/2 tsp Tabasco sauce

● Salt and Pepper to taste

Instructions

Chop up the chicken and celery. Mix with the other shit, eat on a sandwich or straight out of the bowl – I don’t judge, usually. Why are you still reading dummy?

Shepherd’s Pie That We All Know Will Be Eaten In One Sitting.

Lie to me all you want but don’t lie to yourself

Ingredients

● 1 lb Ground beef

● A handful of dried onions

● 3 Tbs Worcestershire sauce (If I find out you aren’t using Lea&Perrins I will hunt you down and go Sweeny Todd on your ass)

● 1/4 Bag of frozen veggies (I usually use peas and carrots or mixed veggies, but whatever you have is fine)

● Boxed mashed potatoes (I don’t measure this, just mix into boiling water until it’s thick)

● Grated mutha-fukin cheddah cheez!

● Salt and Pepper to taste

Instructions

Pre-heat oven to 350 F. In a skillet brown the meat and add Worcestershire, dried onions, salt, and pepper. While meat is cooking, boil water and mix in dried potatoes. While they are still liquid-y add 2-3 handfuls of cheese . Mix the veggies in with the meat and then cover everything with the potatoes. Top with a bit more cheese and bake in oven for 20-25 minutes.

Swedish Meat(Space)Balls

Not your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate’s meatballs

Ingridients

● 1 egg beaten

● ¾ cup milk

● 4 slices day old bread

● 1 tsp salt

● ⅛ tsp pepper

● 1 tsp dried minced onion

● ¾ lb ground chuck

● ¼ cup salad oil

● 1 can cream of mushroom soup

Instructions

Heat oven to 350 F. Beat egg & milk together. Pour over bread and let stand for 5 minutes. With fork, beat until bread is in fine pieces. Stir in next four ingredients. Make into meatballs and brown quickly in oil. Put in one-quart casserole. Mix mushroom soup with ⅓ soup-can of milk, and pour over meatballs. Bake oven for 30 minutes.

Indian Chicken Curry (Not the ‘night on the toilet’ kind)

I’d say that this is as easy as boiling water, but you’ve burnt that before

● ½ cup finely chopped onion

● ½ cup finely chopped celery

● 3 Tbs butter

● 3 Tbs flour

● 2 cups chicken stock

● 1 cup tomato juice

● ½ tsp Worcestershire sauce

● salt & pepper, to taste

● 1 tsp curry powder

● 4 cups diced chicken

● 4 cups hot cooked rice

Instructions

Lightly brown onion & celery in hot fat. Add flour and blend. Add stock, cook until thick, stirring constantly. Add tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, seasonings and chicken. Heat thoroughly. Serve over rice.

Meatloaf

Did you really expect to get away without this one? Just don’t get too distracted playing with it

Ingredients

6-7 lbs hamburger

3-4 eggs

1½ cups shredded carrot

1 can tomato sauce

1/4 cup dried onion

Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 F. Mix hamburger, eggs, carrot, and onion together and then season with salt and peper. Shape into loaf and put in pan. Pour tomato sauce over the top. Fill sauce can 1/2 full with water and pour into the bottom of the pan. Bake for 1.5-2 hours

Cream Cheese Spaghetti Bake

Use this to impress a girl if you ever manage to get one over

Ingredients

● 1 pound spaghetti

● 1 tablespoon olive oil

● 1 pound ground beef

● 1 small onion, diced

● Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

● 1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes

● 1 teaspoon dried basil

● 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano

● 1/2 teaspoon dried parsley

● 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes, optional

● 1/2 cup whipped cream cheese

● 1/2 cup sour cream

● 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese

● 1/2 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

● 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly oil a 9×13 baking dish or coat with nonstick spray. In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta according to package instructions; drain well. Heat olive oil in a large skillet over medium high heat. Add ground beef and onion and cook until beef has browned, about 3-5 minutes, making sure to crumble the beef as it cooks; season with salt and pepper, to taste. Drain excess fat. Stir in crushed tomatoes, basil, oregano, parsley and red pepper flakes; season with salt and pepper, to taste.In a small bowl, whisk together cream cheese and sour cream. Add pasta to the prepared baking dish and layer with cream cheese and beef mixture; sprinkle with cheeses. Place into oven and bake until bubbly and heated through, about 15-20 minutes. Serve immediately, garnished with parsley, if desired.

(This also freezes really well, just portion it off into tupperware while hot and let it cool to room temp before freezing it. When you want to microwave it, do so in 1 min. increments.)

Not So Kentucky Fried Chicken

Remember: Hot oil + bare skin = a not so fun night at the hospital

Ingredients

● Bone-in, skin-on pieces of chicken (I prefer dark meat just remember thighs will take a little longer because of the bone)

● 1 Cup Flour

● 1 Egg

● 1 Tbs Ground Rosemary

● 1 Tbs Paprika

● Salt and pepper to taste

● Oil (as this is frying an oil with a high smoke point-the temp at which it begins to smoke, duh- is better. Go for canola before vegetable oil)

Instructions

Pour oil into pan until 1/4 of an inch fills it. In three bowls separate bowls place 1/4 cup of plain flour, the egg and a teaspoon of water and scramble, the remaining 3/4 cup of flour and the rosemary, paprika, salt, and pepper. Put the pan on a medium heat until the bottom shimmers. Take the chicken and dust with plain flour, then dip in the egg and then roll in the seasoned flour before placing in the hot oil. *Don’t let the chicken sit too long before frying it or the coat will become soggy.* For breasts and thighs fry each side for 8 min., for wings fry 5 min each side., for legs fry for 4 min the rotate 90 degrees and repeat until done.

Teriyaki Chicken

This is not an excuse for 20 cups of rice

Ingredients

● 12 oz skinless and boneless chicken thighs

● 1 1/2 tablespoon soy sauce

● 1 heaping tablespoon sugar or to taste

● 1 tablespoon Japanese cooking sake (rice wine)

● 1 1/2 tablespoon oil

● White sesame, for garnishing

Instructions

Marinate the chicken with soy sauce, sugar, and cooking sake for 20 minutes.Heat up a skillet with the oil on low heat. When the oil is heated, transfer the chicken and the marinade sauce into the skillet and let cook slowly. Turn the chicken over after 5 minutes and continue to cook on low heat, for another 5 minutes. Serve over rice with a green veggie.

Beef Stroganoff

More like beef strokin off. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge….awkward laugh

Ingredients

● 1 lb ground beef

● 1 box elbow macaroni

● 1 package mushrooms (whole are usually cheaper than sliced but whatever)

● 1 small onion or 1/4 cup dried onion (if dried, add when browning meat)

● 1 Can of cream of mushroom

● 1/4 cup of sour cream

● Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

Put a large pot of salted water on to boil. In a skillet saute the small onion and the mushrooms with a pat of butter until they soften. Add the beef and brown. Add cream of mushroom, sour cream, and salt and pepper. Let it simmer on low heat, stir occasionally. Put macaroni into water to cook. When noodles are done, drain and combine with the beef sauce. Serve and eat until you can’t move, yo.

Loaded Baked Potato Soup

Try not to blow your mind with this motherfucker

Ingredients

● 1 package (12 oz) bacon

● 1 1/2 cups chopped onion

● 6 cups chicken broth (two 32 oz cartons, low sodium)

● 2 lb baking potatoes, peeled, cubed

● 2/3 cup butter

● 1/4 all-purpose flour

● 4 cups milk

● 1 container (8 oz) sour cream

● 2 1/2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese (10 oz)

● 3/4 cup sliced green onions

● Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

In 12-inch skillet, cook bacon over medium heat 6 to 7 minutes or until crisp; drain on paper towels. Crumble bacon; set aside. Reserve 2 tablespoons drippings in skillet. Cook onion in bacon drippings over medium-high heat 6 minutes or until almost tender. In 6-quart Dutch oven, mix onion, broth and potatoes. Heat to boiling; reduce heat. Cook 10 minutes or until potatoes are very tender Meanwhile, in same skillet, melt butter over low heat. Stir in flour with whisk until smooth. Cook and stir 1 minute. Gradually stir in 2 cups of the milk. Pour milk mixture into potato mixture. Add remaining 2 cups milk, the salt and pepper. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly with whisk, until mixture is thickened and bubbly. Stir in half of the bacon, the sour cream, 2 cups of the cheese and 1/2 cup of the green onions. Cook until thoroughly heated and cheese is melted. Evenly top individual servings with remaining bacon, 1/2 cup cheese and 1/4 cup green onions.

Honey Soy Pork Chops

Oink oink beeyotch

Ingredients

● 8 pork chops

● ¼ cup soy sauce

● ½ cup honey

● 2 cloves garlic

● pinch of ground ginger

● pinch red pepper flakes

Instructions

Mince garlic and combine all ingredients in a plastic bag and marinate 4-6 hours. After marinating put pork chops in a hot skillet and cook 4 minutes on each side. Add remaining marinade over chops and reduce to make a sauce. Serve with rice and veggies or just eat straight out of the pan, loser.

Internet Addiction Test (IAT)

The Internet Addiction Test (IAT) is the first Validated measure of Internet Addiction described in the IAT Manual to measure Internet use in terms of mild, moderate, to several levels of addiction.

Based upon the following five-point likert scale, select the response that best represents the frequency of the behavior described in the following 20-item questionnaire.

0 = Not Applicable
1 = Rarely
2 = Occasionally
3 = Frequently
4 = Often
5 = Always

1. ___How often do you find that you stay online longer than you intended?
2. ___How often do you neglect household chores to spend more time online?
3. ___How often do you prefer the excitement of the Internet to intimacy with your partner?
4. ___How often do you form new relationships with fellow online users?
5. ___How often do others in your life complain to you about the amount of time you spend online?
6. ___How often do your grades or school work suffer because of the amount of time you spend online?
7. ___How often do you check your e-mail before something else that you need to do?
8. ___How often does your job performance or productivity suffer because of the Internet?
9. ___How often do you become defensive or secretive when anyone asks you what you do online?
10. ___How often do you block out disturbing thoughts about your life with soothing thoughts of the Internet?
11. ___How often do you find yourself anticipating when you will go online again?
12. ___How often do you fear that life without the Internet would be boring, empty, and joyless?
13. ___How often do you snap, yell, or act annoyed if someone bothers you while you are online?
14. ___How often do you lose sleep due to late-night log-ins?
15. ___How often do you feel preoccupied with the Internet when off-line, or fantasize about being online?
16. ___How often do you find yourself saying “just a few more minutes” when online?
17. ___How often do you try to cut down the amount of time you spend online and fail?
18. ___How often do you try to hide how long you’ve been online?
19. ___How often do you choose to spend more time online over going out with others?
20. ___How often do you feel depressed, moody, or nervous when you are off-line, which goes away once you are back online?

After all the questions have been answered, add the numbers for each response to obtain a final score. The higher the score, the greater the level of addiction and creation of problems resultant from such Internet usage.  The severity impairment index is as follows:

NONE 0 – 30 points

MILD 31- 49 points: You are an average online user. You may surf the Web a bit too long at times, but you have control over your usage.

MODERATE 50 -79 points: You are experiencing occasional or frequent problems because of the Internet. You should consider their full impact on your life.

SEVERE 80 – 100 points: Your Internet usage is causing significant problems in your life. You should evaluate the impact of the Internet on your life and address the problems directly caused by your Internet usage.

I scored a semi respectable/reasonable 35. Impish on the other hand couldn’t be pried away from his net surfing for virgins long enough to take the test and became angry at the interruption. SIGH! Where did I put that number for the Hokey Pokey Clinic?

Installation of SpyCat Real Time Monitoring System Node complete!