Dragon Laffs #1507


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campers

By the time you guys are reading this, Saturday morning, that is, I will be able to tell you how everything worked out, but as of this time, which is 2100 hrs EDT on Monday (that’s 9 pm for you civilian types).  I have had issues for the past couple of weeks with ridiculous pain in my right knee, shin, thigh, hip, back…

I can’t figure out what happened and why it suddenly attacked me so badly.  So …

Anyway, you guys know that I share about everything with you.  I know that Lethal does as well.  And my bringing this up to you is not to complain, but to let you know that it won’t be until Thursday, when I see my surgeon.  I say MY surgeon because he’s the guy who replaced my knee and I trust him… A LOT!

I see him on Thursday and then I’ll know (I hope) about what’s going on.

Reading this from the beginning now on Saturday, for you, you’ll be able to read down through to see how it all works out for me.  Me writing this on Monday, waiting for Thursday to get here…really makes me want it to be Saturday, so I can quickly scroll to the bottom to see what’s going on.

It’s funny.  For all intents and purposes, you are reading these words at the EXACT some time that I am writing them, but we’re doing it with five days between us.  Picture time flowing along in a straight line, with the words that I’m writing flowing along that line.  The words from the top of the page, are in the past for both of us, although they are further in the past for me, then they are for you, if you think about this one particular instant that is the NOW and then is fleetingly gone to be replaced by another, instantaneous NOW, which is gone just as fast, my NOWs are the exact same way.

Yeah, I know…it doesn’t make sense now…but wait until the future (well, for me, for you it’s the past and you can wait as long as you want, the past is never going to become your NOW) and it will all make sense.

Let's Laugh

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I have had this little poster for a long time and I’ve been meaning to use it, but I’ve kept forgetting.  So, tomorrow, I came back to today and reminded myself to use it, taking advantage of the whole NOW conundrum, being today and tomorrow at the same time as your today is.

It’s now VERY early Wednesday morning.  I’ve been up since about 1 am with horrible (HORRIBLE!!!!!!) leg cramps.  I’m so damn tired, but I can’t go back to sleep.  It’s 445 now and my alarm just went off to get up and get ready to go to work.  Thank goodness for Lethal’s Brown-gold.  As you read in today’s issue, (that is 3 days old for you guys, is brown-gold is “As Impish will attest my ‘Brown Gold’ Coffee blend is nothing short of magical. You want proof you say? Well just one sip renders him speechless. Two sips and he’s actually awake and alert. Half a cup and he’ll actually do a full days honest work load. Now if THAT isn’t magic I don’t know what is!” Today, it’s survival!  His coffee is the only thing standing between me and certain death. 

So that was written about 5 hours ago.  Since that time I have been back to bed, woken up with another deep groin muscle cramp, back to bed again to be finally woken up (after a total of about 3 hours of sleep) to TWO cramps, in the same spot on EACH leg. 

I gotta figure this shit out.  I DO NOT want to end up back at this place:
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They’ve added a whole new wing!  And what the hell are “Dragon Psychological and Physiological Issues?”

Sigh!

Let’s laugh some more.

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Lethal does such a GREAT Yoda.  I’ll have to try to get a recording of him doing Yoda’s voice and getting it on the blog somehow.

It’s now later in the day on Wednesday and I know to you it seems like I just told you how horrible my Wednesday is, and from your current position (my future position), not much has actually changed in that amount of time.  For me, several hours have gone by and, whether you believe it or not, my day has gotten worse!  As you know, Wednesday is the publication day for Leprechaun Laffs.

As you are well aware, there are certain people that each of teases in a good hearted way and leave the real blood-thirsty stuff for each other.  And I’m sure you’ve realized by now that that is just some of the ways brothers talk to each other.  It’s a sign of love.

Now, I’ve gone and told you all of this stuff that you already knew to give you a tiny bit of insight into Impish Dragon.  Lethal is an outstanding cook with a wicked imagination for food that I, with over 25 years of experience in restaurants (from chicken shack to white-gloved-fine dining) a damn fine cook in my own right and completely blown away by him.  One of the things that he loves to do is tease some of the ladies with his “weak kneed recipes”. One of his primary targets, if not THE primary target in all of this is Ginny.  Now, this is the look inside of Impish, I secretly enjoy watching Ginny after she gets ahold of one of his weak-kneed products as she stumbles around, moaning, with her eyes half closed like she is mid-orgasm (well hell, maybe she is?) and able to give Meg Ryan in Katz’s Delicatessen a run for her money.

So now the ….

What?

What do you mean, “who or what is Meg Ryan in Katz’s Delicatessen and what does it have to do with Ginny?”

Please, please, please don’t tell me that you’ve never seen the fantastic movie, When Harry Met Sally.

You haven’t.

You haven’t even heard of it before.

How old are you?  What the hell are you doing here???

Security, get this “child” out of here.  Make sure he is printed and retna scanned so he can’t get back in here again.  Also find out what entrance he used and who was on duty at the time he came in.  Thanks.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Meg Ryan.

So, for the rest of us, let’s just do a fast review.  Here’s the scene I’m speaking about:

So, the point is, that when Ginny gets a hold of one of Lethal’s Weak Kneed recipes, she gives Meg Ryan a run for her money.  And I think it is hilarious and enjoy the heck out of watching her eat.

Now, the tables are turned.

Now Lethal is coming after me.  What am I talking about, you ask?  This!  This is what I’m talking about.  It all started with this:
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And yes, I read it and quite honestly, I scoffed.  I thought, yeah right!  There’s no way that a recipe is going to affect me like it does Ginny.  And then this came along:

And I was done.  Thank goodness I was in my own office when it happened, but even so, I am mortified.  Weak kneed doesn’t even describe it.  And writing about it shortly after it happened is not only very hard, but extremely dangerous.  Rather than beating myself up over it, let me just say that, it took 5, full sized pumper trucks to get rid of the drool.  I almost drowned myself in my own office and I didn’t care because I was watching the clip over and over again and as far as the noise I was making, well…. I have a court appearance in front of a judge next week for disturbing the peace and lewd and lascivious behavior.  I’ll be EXTREMELY LUCKY if I don’t end up on some sex offender list somewhere.

Damn Lasagna Soup.

But, oh man……!!!

Yes, I’ve heard this one before, but this one seems to end a little differently.  Still, it made me smile and chuckle internally, so it meets the strictest requirements for the blog, and thusly, here it is: (Any of you been around long enough to remember the rules for getting something published in Dragon Laffs?)

In a college level advanced Biology exam, the last question was, ‘Name eight (8) advantages of Mother’s Milk’. This final question was worth 70 points or zero, none at all.
One male student in particular, was hard put to think of eight advantages. However, after some serious contemplation, he wrote this answer:
1) It is a perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

…and then, the student was struck dumb for two more answers so in desperation, and only just before the bell rang to indicate the end of the exam, he wrote:

7) It comes in two quite attractive containers, and . . .
8) It’s high enough off the floor where the cat can’t get at it.

 

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Nope, it’s not time to stop watching football, it’s time for football teams, coaches, and ruling authorities to pull their collective head out of their asses.
And it’s Bull Shit!  It’s even managed to come to my own loved Indianapolis Colts!  14a

Several websites covered this because it was more than just a slap in the face to America:

”Antonio Cromartie decided to follow Colin Kaepernick’s lead and kneel for the National Anthem.”
”The Indianapolis Colts cornerback took a knee and raised his fist during Sunday’s game with the Jacksonville Jaguars in London. To further slap his fellow Americans in the face, he then stood for “God Save The Queen.”

What the hell!?!?!?!?!?!?!  You are on your BEST behavior in another country and you embarrass all of us like this????!!!!

Wait! Wait! Wait!  The article continues:

“But, it appears that Cromartie’s decision may have cost him big time.” On Tuesday, Cromartie got his pink slip and was released from the Colts.”

Hold on…it gets even … better (?). There’s even more to this story.

“Cromartie signed a $3 million deal with the Colts before the start of the season. The cornerback, who has a dozen children with eight different women, obviously could use that money since he owes $336,000 in child support.  Perhaps he should have thought about that before he acted.”

Now, in the interest of fairness and truth and honesty, it appears that his kneeling may not have been the “official” reason for his firing.  Here’s a quote from breitbart.com that sheds some light on this aspect but real quick before the quote, can I just make a point….he OWES $336,000 in child support!!!! That’s HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS!  Of DOLLARS!!  That’s 28,00 per kid!  I’m astounded.  But then again, it amazes me completely how guys who play a game for a living and who get paid and treated like kings, can be such unmitigated cowards and self-centered ass wipes.

“But his play during the game, rather than his antics before it, likely led to his release.

The Colts lost the game to the longtime divisional doormat Jacksonville Jaguars 30-27.”

“The four-time Pro Bowler struggled throughout and his play with the Colts was summed up by one series during their Week 4 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars in London,” ESPN’s Mike Wells writes.’Cromartie was beaten twice and called for two penalties on a drive where the Jaguars managed to get a field goal as the first half came to an end. Cromartie was benched in favor of Rashaan Melvin, in the second half.’”

I’d give you the links to the rest of the articles, but the above is the gist of it.  I guess my point is, I’ll bet the Colts front office, when considering cutting this super-genius, took his antics in front of America and England into account.

I know I would.

2274

 

Fantasy Pix

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More employees trying on Halloween costumes.  This one is…wow, I jumped right in here and put a fantasy picture up and I haven’t even put up a dragon picture yet.

So, let’s fix that:
Dragon Pix

The_Wizard_Ring

A great dragon picture.  That’s a very close friend of mine with his wife. Which is the friend and which is the wife?  Well, I haven’t seen very many wives with that kind of a mustache, although dwarven women have facial hair to rival their male companions.  And, we have been doing a lot lately with Halloween costumes, so who’s to say that they aren’t just two normal people in costume.

And, who’s to say, really, what “normal” is?

Okay, I won’t leave you hanging.  I know that you are all just sitting on the edge of your seats wondering who is who….

Paul is sitting over there with his hand gripping his cane, his coffee cup balanced precariously on his knee and his dear wife Ginny has stopped chewing her donut, Boston Crème of course, and is sitting there with her mouth open waiting for me to do the big reveal.

Wait….Diaman just reminded me that, although I have permission to use the above picture, I don’t have permission to reveal the names of the people in the picture.

Sigh.

Ginny, go ahead and start chewing again, and push Paul back onto his lounger and grab his coffee cup.

Sorry folks, I can’t, legally, go any further.  So, let’s move on.

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Going back to the Colin Kaepernick topic for just one second….I think I’m in Love.  And it’s with Tomi Lahren from The Blaze.  Oh my dear, I am having a horrible case of:


Said That

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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, a perfect for a night for romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

Thrilled, the man asked, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

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Okay, so that is a great segue into this section, which is beginning to be one of my favorites!Politics4iNow, we’re making jokes about it?  The amount of people who have “disappeared” or who have committed “Suicide” is astounding and NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT! Maybe they are all worried about having to commit suicide if they try to investigate.

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4k

4l

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And all those imbecilic Hillary fans are nodding their heads in agreement.

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And finally one more that mimics the first and perfectly rounds out this political segue

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So today (yesterday) is Friday and I saw my doctor yesterday (the day before yesterday) Thursday.  He tells me that all of my symptoms can be related to my back and rather than take x-rays of everything else first, there is, after all, no reason to try to fix one problem without fixing the problem that caused that problem in the first place, that he wants an MRI done on my back and we’ll take it from there.  So, I suppose that is news and whether that turns out to be good news or bad is going to depend on how it all turns out in the long run.

Stay tuned to your favorite dragon channel for any updates.

2277

I’m going to present this next one to you from Ginny exactly as it was sent to me.  Because I don’t want to be treated the same way.

The Secret to a Long Marriage

Ginny and Paul were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. “What a peaceful and loving couple.” A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained  Paul. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule.
We hadn’t gone too far when Ginny’s mule stumbled.  Ginny quietly said, ‘that’s once.’
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more Ginny  quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

And we lived happily ever after.

I always wondered what she meant when she’d say that to me.  Every now and then while I was working or doing something around the offices I’d ask Ginny something or ask her to do something for me, or disagreed with her and I’d hear quite faintly under her breath, “That’s once.”

I’ve actually even heard “That’s Twice” several times.

But, I think she is all words and no action because I know I heard her say, “That’s Three-Times!” But, she didn’t shoot me.

See…no follow through.

But you know, there was something odd about that time.  I remember it well because Diaman was there and as soon as I heard Ginny say, “That’s Three-Times!” Diaman leaped from the side of the hallway where she happened to be standing and started wrestling with Ginny.  Now, I love a good girl wrestling match as much as the next dragon, but I had important pastries transcripts to taste-test proof-read so I couldn’t stick around.  But as I was walking away, and this is the part that was odd and stuck in my memory,I did hear a loud pop sound from a broken light bulb from where they were  horse-playing around in the hallway.

So…..I …. um …. forgot the point I was trying to make…so, let’s move on!

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videos

So, I just had to stop and put this category in right here because I found something so cool that I just had to share.

Wasn’t that great!?  I just wished they could’ve showed it a few more times.  But wait…then this one pops up and it looks awesome, too!

A lot more stuff being shot in not only slo-mo, but in extreme close-up as well.

Okay, okay, settle down.  Put the guns and cameras away.  I know that ws cool, but you can’t recreate some of the scenes from the movie yourselves.  Okay, to settle the mood back to where it’s supposed to be, let’s watch this one.

Top 5 Brutal Facts About Getting Shot!

Better now?

Good.

Then, let’s move on.

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Okay, just one video (on a different topic) that I thought was pretty cool!

breaking news

New Sports Bra Announced

Saturday, October 8, 2016

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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a Professor of Sports Medicine at Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling and bouncing, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
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At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

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I told you once before that Ginny has been sending me these Health Capsules and this one is a doozy!
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motivational

As a thank you to Lethal Leprechaun for the wonderful recipe for lasagna soup.  Well, you already know how I feel about that.  LOL.  Here are some Motivational posters that he should find close to his heart.

Marine Pride

Marines

Marines2

Marine Bordom

marine death

marine hitching

marine leathernecks

Okay, that’s sufficient for now.  I’m sure Lethal knows how I feel about him plus, gotta save some for the Marine Anniversary in November.

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I’m sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor’s offices on everything from tissues to note pads.

This one should get First prize…
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I e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend;
he e-mailed back:
“If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.

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There ought to be a number you can call, as a husband, to give you real-live emergencies that you HAVE to get to, so you can get out of these things.

How about if you “said” you were a volunteer fireman in your local town.  Then, anytime you got stuck in the mall for the passing of day 4, or whatever your limit is, you can use the excuse that there is a fire you have to go help put out.

It could work.

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a great idea, but you don’t have to sit back there and laugh so hard.

Groan

That’s it!  That’s all the warning you’re going to get…

 With all this stuff going around about Clown attacks,
always remember this:
If you are ever attacked by a gaggle of Clowns,
always, “Go for the Juggler”.

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I warned you.  See, it even startled the clowns.

This next joke I actually got from both Ginny and Diaman…

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious…

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page:  I agree with our Native American population.  I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.  One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.  We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.  If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60’s alive.  Gone.  It’s offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.  Do you see a team named for the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names.  Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged.  We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.  The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits.  Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic.  Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates.  Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers.  Well that goes without saying.  Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should.  Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California.  Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers?)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them.  As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.

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And that ought to do it for another day.  Until we meet again.

come back

Cheers Impish

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1507

  1. Ginny says:

    Well with your opening, I admit I was checking the date on my computer along with various calendars, I didn’t know what day it was.. I confess it doesn’t take much to turn me around….since retiring everyday is Saturday. I loved all the jokes and videos….this issue was jammed packed with enjoyment for all of us.

    Loved the video with Meg Ryan….it pretty much shows how I feel after the WEAK KNEES
    recipes. Always keep that joke about the mule…in the back of your mind….if I whisper “THAT’S TWICE” Glad you enjoyed when the JERSEY GIRLS got into a wrestling match.

    Do keep us up to date after your X-Ray….if need be your Jersey girls will be at your front door with our magical fingers to run over your body to ease your pain!

  2. In ref to your cramps,: I am a retired letter carrier. I had the same pRobles with cramps until my Dr tolDe to take 800 units of Vitamin E each day. It didn’t cure things totally, but it sure does help. I still tale it to this day. I still get them, but not as often or ad bad. Give it a try and see if it helps you out

    • impishdragon says:

      Larlet,
      Sorry it took me so long to get back to this comment, but, as you can imagine, it’s been a long couple of days. I will talk to my doctor about the vitamin E and see if it would be alright to take it along with the gazzillion other things I take and if so, I’ll give it a try. Thanks very much for your comments and concerns.
      Impishj

  3. lethalleprechaun says:

    Impish-
    Don’t worry. I explained to the judge that lewd and lascivious behavior with a lasagna is a misdemeanor especially in your case. I told him the more you missed it the meaner you’d get.
    He’s agreed to a small fine and a lasagna for himself in restutuion.

    As for the root cause of all this…you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!
    Next week- LASAGNA FOR BREAKFAST RECIPE!

  4. Maggie says:

    Dear Impish,,, loved this issue,, as well as all the others
    Maggie

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