Special Impish on Wednesday Issue Addendum READ REGULAR ISSUE FIRST! The Story of Impish in Leprechonia.


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Impish stumbles out of the teleportation rift laughing insanely only to spontaneously erupt into his ‘happy dance’.

“I did it?
I DID IT!
I BEAT LETHAL LEPRECHAUN AT HIS OWN GAME!
WHAA WHO!
But exactly where did I end up?”

Spinning around quickly to access his surroundings and determine a direction of travel to get as far away from the rift before Lethal can charge through after him, he fails to notice the tree trunk which he shakes with a solid impact from his tail WHAP!

“Ow! OW!” CRAP!

Impish clutches tail in one hand and head in the other and peers up to see what hit him.

“Palm trees? No! Well ok yes, but these aren’t just palm trees, those are coconut palms.

White sand?
Check.

Blue water.
Check.

Tropical breezes…SNIFF…
Huh. Cant smell anything but coconut oil. Might have over done that a bit.

Island music?
Nope, but there is that strange clicking and scratching sound that’s pretty rhythmic.
Might have to check that out if I get a second, going to be pretty busy teaching
the women here how to party Dragon style though.”
(He attempts to ‘bust a move’ only to trip and almost bust his butt instead.)

“Hey a path! Lets follow that for starters before the little green buzz kill shows up with
Hellboy or someone worse to rain on my tropical vacation.

What is that darn clicking sound? Seems like its all around and getting louder.

Nice a solar powered information kiosk! Maybe its a map and I can figure out where the beach and babes are.”

(Humming the tune ‘I Want to go Swimmin’ with Bowlegged Wimmen’)
”Huh! Nice- It’s electronic and interactive.” (presses button- screen lights up

(The sign reads)

Welcome to Giant Crab Key Aqua Farming Facility

A Sustainable Coconut and Tasmanian Crab Farming Experiment.

THIS HABITAT IS CLOSED TO ALL VISITORS AND MAY REPRESENT A PERSONAL SAFETY ISSUE!

“Damn! I hope I don’t have to deal with… EEP! “

(Impish screams like a 5 year old girl as he lifts and swings tail frantically before turning to look at it. A sort of crashing noise can be heard in the underbrush.)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
I umm…humm…must be all the excitement getting to me. For a minute there felt like there was a spider climbing my tail!
Should have worn a hard hat, by the sounds of things those coconuts are big and seem to fall a lot.”

[He returns his attention to the sign]

The coconut crab (Birgus latro) is a species of terrestrial hermit crab, also known as the robber crab or palm thief. It is the largest land-living arthropod in the world, and is probably at the upper size limit for terrestrial animals with exoskeletons in recent times, with a weight of up to 4.1 kg (9.0 lb). It can grow to up to 1 m (3 ft 3 in) in length from leg to leg. It is found on islands across the Indian Ocean and parts of the Pacific Ocean as far east as the Gambier Islands mirroring the distribution of the coconut palm; it has been extirpated from most areas with a significant human population, including mainland Australia and Madagascar.

The coconut crab’s claws are powerful enough to crack open coconuts, and can be used to lift weights of up to 28 kg. If coconuts are not readily available on the ground, the coconut crab can climb trees and cut them down.

 

[Clicking can now be heard louder and in two different distinct rhythms]

OH MAN! I hope I can avoid those things! They’re creeping me out!
I don’t even like seeing the King Crabs on that Discovery reality show Deadliest Catch.
I should get a move on but I still haven’t seen a map yet. Maybe the next screen.”

[Taps screen]

The Tasmanian giant crab is one of the largest crabs in the world, reaching a mass of 13 kilograms (29 lb) and a carapace width of up to 46 centimetres (18 in). It is the only species in the genus Pseudocarcinus. Males reach more than twice the size of females. It has a white shell with claws that are splashed in red. The females’ shells change colour when they are producing eggs”

 

[Clicking is now heard all around Impish as is a scratching sound on the trees. He glances about nerviously.]

“Come on Come On! I need a map! A map damn it! I can’t take a chance on flying around to get the layout. Lethal is sure to have spotters watching for Dragons and those damned rail guns and dancing shellighis fricken hurt!  Gimme a map please?” [Taps screen again]

BOTH CRAB SPECIES ARE CONSIDER OMNIVAURS. DO NOT ENTER HABITAT EATING OR SMELLING OF RECENTLY CONSUMED FOOD.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN TANNING WITH COCONUT OIL WE STRONGLY URGE
A SILKWOOD SHOWER PRIOR TO ENTERING THE HABITAT TO PREVENT YOU FROM BEING SEEN AS A POTENTIAL FOOD SOURCE!

“OH MAN! They literally put that stuff on me with a paint roller too, almost an entire 5 gallon buckets worth. I gotta…Oof!

AGHHH!! SOMETHING IS ON MY BACK- GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

OOOWWW! MY TAIL!”

Impish looks and sees several crabs on his tail and at least one more between his wings and well as another 6 approaching.

“Aggh!” He shakes himself like a dog trying to get them off to no avail. His attempt to unfurl his wings is thwarted by the fact the one on his back seems to have a death grip on them. Attempting the stop drop and roll maneuver gains him another across his snout.

“Mmmmph! Oooomm! Mmmmthal melp mwe!”

Seeing little choice as the one on his snout seems to be intent on giving him a pierced nose, Impish dashes head long willy-nilly back to the rift area which to his surprise is still open, the end of what he takes for Lethal’s Shellighi protruding from it and dives in head first.

As he emerges once again back at DL/LL HQ he gets a quick glimpse of Lethal removing his shellighi from the mirror with a stop watch in his other showing the result to Hell Boy who appears unhappy and in the process of reaching for his wallet before belly surfing across the stage only to become engulfed in a dense fog of CO2.

The rapid chilling to the giant crustaceans causes them to become stuporous, loose their grip and fall off Impish. The CO2 fire extinguisher wielding kitchen staff immediately treat the crabs to another burst of CO2 before seizing and stuffing them  into a several very large coolers on a cart before firmly securing the lids.

Welcome back Impish! Have a nice trip? Enjoy your 4 minute 20 second vacation? What did you think of Leprechonia, beautiful paradise isn’t it?

Oh, I think Hell Boy there is going to want to have a chat with you over his gambling losses once you’re off the floor He was sure you’d top the five minute mark and we’d have to come find you.

Also those crabs are $50 per pound and while I’ll get an official weight from the kitchen it appears you owe me roughly $400 per crab and you brought back 6.

We’ll discuss the fine for exporting them from Leprechonia without a license or permission later.”

[Leaning down he pats Impish on his still too stunned to speak head and lowers his voice so only Impish can hear him while producing his ever present hip flask.]

“Here now drink this.” Impish from his prone position regards Lethal suspiciously.

“Oh don’t be such a bleeding baby” Lethal takes a pull, then smiles  so Impish tips his head for Lethal to pour some down his throat. “ ‘Tis nae but Brown Gold Espresso with Baileys and a wee nip o’ what passes in Leprechonia for poitin.” (Irish Moonshine for you non Sons & Daughters o’ Erin) “They call it okolehao and the mix should have you be right as rain in two shakes.”

Impish’s eyes snap wide open then buldge, his tail suddenly snaps out straight behind him and vibrates against the stage as he shakes his head like a dog several times. Impish seems more with it after this subsidies.

“Better now? Good told you you would be.

Be thankful it was just the crabs. I was going to rift in from the Artic Circle where the rift is located in a den used by Polar Bears to hibernate to make me point but they had 4 cubs and I didn’t want anything to happen to them.

My point was and still is when I say no I mean no. I’m not being mean or doing it to taunt you. This place and these people are not ready for the likes of you and your antics, particularly after 7 weeks of not being able to fly.

As soon as Leprechonia is ready for some one/thing like you you’ll get a comped weekend stay but not before.

NOW buck up, get up, go see the Vet and get those cuts scraps and claw marks tended to. Then get your checkbook, write the Government of Leprchonia a check for the crabs and I’ll see there’s a nice Pastrami sandwich and a big cuppa Brown Gold with Bailey’s hold the
okolehao waiting for you in your office when you get there.

I’ll be takin’ me mirror back to me office now if ya don’t mind. I’ve got to go catch up on 7 weeks of paperwork and finish the September 11th 15th Anniversary Tribute Issue.

I’ll see you for dinner in the Executive Dining Room later- courtesy of you we’re having crab 4 ways tonight.”

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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3 Responses to Special Impish on Wednesday Issue Addendum READ REGULAR ISSUE FIRST! The Story of Impish in Leprechonia.

  1. Maggie says:

    ah,, the Blue fella just will not learn,,, ya don’t never mess with the Green fellas,, ya never know what they will do Looking forward to the 9/11 issue.. hope you both had a good summer
    Maggie

  2. Ginny says:

    When you two get going with a tale, makes me think you both have missed your calling, Instead of reading books, you should co-author one.

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