Impish stumbles out of the teleportation rift laughing insanely only to spontaneously erupt into his ‘happy dance’.
“I did it?
I DID IT!
I BEAT LETHAL LEPRECHAUN AT HIS OWN GAME!
But exactly where did I end up?”
Spinning around quickly to access his surroundings and determine a direction of travel to get as far away from the rift before Lethal can charge through after him, he fails to notice the tree trunk which he shakes with a solid impact from his tail WHAP!
“Ow! OW!” CRAP!
Impish clutches tail in one hand and head in the other and peers up to see what hit him.
“Palm trees? No! Well ok yes, but these aren’t just palm trees, those are coconut palms.
Huh. Cant smell anything but coconut oil. Might have over done that a bit.
Nope, but there is that strange clicking and scratching sound that’s pretty rhythmic.
Might have to check that out if I get a second, going to be pretty busy teaching
the women here how to party Dragon style though.” (He attempts to ‘bust a move’ only to trip and almost bust his butt instead.)
“Hey a path! Lets follow that for starters before the little green buzz kill shows up with
Hellboy or someone worse to rain on my tropical vacation.
What is that darn clicking sound? Seems like its all around and getting louder.
Nice a solar powered information kiosk! Maybe its a map and I can figure out where the beach and babes are.”
(Humming the tune ‘I Want to go Swimmin’ with Bowlegged Wimmen’)
”Huh! Nice- It’s electronic and interactive.” (presses button- screen lights up
(The sign reads)
Welcome to Giant Crab Key Aqua Farming Facility
A Sustainable Coconut and Tasmanian Crab Farming Experiment.
THIS HABITAT IS CLOSED TO ALL VISITORS AND MAY REPRESENT A PERSONAL SAFETY ISSUE!
“Damn! I hope I don’t have to deal with… EEP! “
(Impish screams like a 5 year old girl as he lifts and swings tail frantically before turning to look at it. A sort of crashing noise can be heard in the underbrush.)
“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
I umm…humm…must be all the excitement getting to me. For a minute there felt like there was a spider climbing my tail!
Should have worn a hard hat, by the sounds of things those coconuts are big and seem to fall a lot.”
[He returns his attention to the sign]
The coconut crab (Birgus latro) is a species of terrestrial hermit crab, also known as the robber crab or palm thief. It is the largest land-living arthropod in the world, and is probably at the upper size limit for terrestrial animals with exoskeletons in recent times, with a weight of up to 4.1 kg (9.0 lb). It can grow to up to 1 m (3 ft 3 in) in length from leg to leg. It is found on islands across the Indian Ocean and parts of the Pacific Ocean as far east as the Gambier Islands mirroring the distribution of the coconut palm; it has been extirpated from most areas with a significant human population, including mainland Australia and Madagascar.
The coconut crab’s claws are powerful enough to crack open coconuts, and can be used to lift weights of up to 28 kg. If coconuts are not readily available on the ground, the coconut crab can climb trees and cut them down.
[Clicking can now be heard louder and in two different distinct rhythms]
“OH MAN! I hope I can avoid those things! They’re creeping me out!
I don’t even like seeing the King Crabs on that Discovery reality show Deadliest Catch.
I should get a move on but I still haven’t seen a map yet. Maybe the next screen.”
The Tasmanian giant crab is one of the largest crabs in the world, reaching a mass of 13 kilograms (29 lb) and a carapace width of up to 46 centimetres (18 in). It is the only species in the genus Pseudocarcinus. Males reach more than twice the size of females. It has a white shell with claws that are splashed in red. The females’ shells change colour when they are producing eggs”
[Clicking is now heard all around Impish as is a scratching sound on the trees. He glances about nerviously.]
“Come on Come On! I need a map! A map damn it! I can’t take a chance on flying around to get the layout. Lethal is sure to have spotters watching for Dragons and those damned rail guns and dancing shellighis fricken hurt! Gimme a map please?” [Taps screen again]
BOTH CRAB SPECIES ARE CONSIDER OMNIVAURS. DO NOT ENTER HABITAT EATING OR SMELLING OF RECENTLY CONSUMED FOOD.
IF YOU HAVE BEEN TANNING WITH COCONUT OIL WE STRONGLY URGE
A SILKWOOD SHOWER PRIOR TO ENTERING THE HABITAT TO PREVENT YOU FROM BEING SEEN AS A POTENTIAL FOOD SOURCE!
“OH MAN! They literally put that stuff on me with a paint roller too, almost an entire 5 gallon buckets worth. I gotta…Oof!
AGHHH!! SOMETHING IS ON MY BACK- GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
OOOWWW! MY TAIL!”
Impish looks and sees several crabs on his tail and at least one more between his wings and well as another 6 approaching.
“Aggh!” He shakes himself like a dog trying to get them off to no avail. His attempt to unfurl his wings is thwarted by the fact the one on his back seems to have a death grip on them. Attempting the stop drop and roll maneuver gains him another across his snout.
“Mmmmph! Oooomm! Mmmmthal melp mwe!”
Seeing little choice as the one on his snout seems to be intent on giving him a pierced nose, Impish dashes head long willy-nilly back to the rift area which to his surprise is still open, the end of what he takes for Lethal’s Shellighi protruding from it and dives in head first.
As he emerges once again back at DL/LL HQ he gets a quick glimpse of Lethal removing his shellighi from the mirror with a stop watch in his other showing the result to Hell Boy who appears unhappy and in the process of reaching for his wallet before belly surfing across the stage only to become engulfed in a dense fog of CO2.
The rapid chilling to the giant crustaceans causes them to become stuporous, loose their grip and fall off Impish. The CO2 fire extinguisher wielding kitchen staff immediately treat the crabs to another burst of CO2 before seizing and stuffing them into a several very large coolers on a cart before firmly securing the lids.
“Welcome back Impish! Have a nice trip? Enjoy your 4 minute 20 second vacation? What did you think of Leprechonia, beautiful paradise isn’t it?
Oh, I think Hell Boy there is going to want to have a chat with you over his gambling losses once you’re off the floor He was sure you’d top the five minute mark and we’d have to come find you.
Also those crabs are $50 per pound and while I’ll get an official weight from the kitchen it appears you owe me roughly $400 per crab and you brought back 6.
We’ll discuss the fine for exporting them from Leprechonia without a license or permission later.”
[Leaning down he pats Impish on his still too stunned to speak head and lowers his voice so only Impish can hear him while producing his ever present hip flask.]
“Here now drink this.” Impish from his prone position regards Lethal suspiciously.
“Oh don’t be such a bleeding baby” Lethal takes a pull, then smiles so Impish tips his head for Lethal to pour some down his throat. “ ‘Tis nae but Brown Gold Espresso with Baileys and a wee nip o’ what passes in Leprechonia for poitin.” (Irish Moonshine for you non Sons & Daughters o’ Erin) “They call it okolehao and the mix should have you be right as rain in two shakes.”
Impish’s eyes snap wide open then buldge, his tail suddenly snaps out straight behind him and vibrates against the stage as he shakes his head like a dog several times. Impish seems more with it after this subsidies.
“Better now? Good told you you would be.
Be thankful it was just the crabs. I was going to rift in from the Artic Circle where the rift is located in a den used by Polar Bears to hibernate to make me point but they had 4 cubs and I didn’t want anything to happen to them.
My point was and still is when I say no I mean no. I’m not being mean or doing it to taunt you. This place and these people are not ready for the likes of you and your antics, particularly after 7 weeks of not being able to fly.
As soon as Leprechonia is ready for some one/thing like you you’ll get a comped weekend stay but not before.
NOW buck up, get up, go see the Vet and get those cuts scraps and claw marks tended to. Then get your checkbook, write the Government of Leprchonia a check for the crabs and I’ll see there’s a nice Pastrami sandwich and a big cuppa Brown Gold with Bailey’s hold the
okolehao waiting for you in your office when you get there.
I’ll be takin’ me mirror back to me office now if ya don’t mind. I’ve got to go catch up on 7 weeks of paperwork and finish the September 11th 15th Anniversary Tribute Issue.
I’ll see you for dinner in the Executive Dining Room later- courtesy of you we’re having crab 4 ways tonight.”