It feels odd to be coming to the campground on a Wednesday, rather than a Saturday this week. The place has a different feel to it today. You’re not sure if that’s because of the change of day or because of the blank stage that’s in front of you. There is nothing on the stage except a very ornate mirror on the left side of the stage.
You don’t have long to wait to find out what the mirror is for.
While coffee and pastries are being served to the MUCH smaller patron area, Impish comes out from behind stage right and he is a sight to behold. Dressed in dragon sized Hawaiian styled Bermuda shorts, dark sunglasses perched on his forehead, a spot of white sunscreen on the bridge of his massive nose (enough sunscreen for the entire body of at least three bathing beauties) and a puka shell necklace with a little charm dangling from it that says “Gnarly, Dude”, he looks like a caricature of a 1970’s surfer bum.
“Oh good! I’m glad you’re all here. I need witnesses.” He begins to rub coconut oil all over his body. “Today you will witness a historical first…or is it an historical first? A historical…An historical…” He turns and bellows off stage, “Terrance, find out if it’s a or an.”
“A or An what?” The voice gets closer to the curtain.
“Anwar Sadat, what?” Impish starts back towards the same curtain.
“You have to fart?” Terrance is right on the other side of the curtain.
Impish pushes into the curtain as both of them at the same time say, “What the fuc—” and they slam into each other with the thin curtain between them. Now, it’s not very well known, but trolls have the thickest and hardest bones of almost any mythical creature, so although Impish, even in his current smaller form, may have out massed Terrance, he didn’t out density him and as they smacked into each other there was a mutual moving away from each other because, as Einstein postulated, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And this action was pretty severe, therefore, so was the reaction as a double “THUD” was not only heard, but felt.
Several miles away, two seismologists jumped as the needle on the seismograph they were studying suddenly jumped.
“That was a 3.1!” said seismologist #1.
“And that could have only been a precursor!” said seismologist #2 “Where was the epicenter?”
“Oh, never mind. I recognize those coordinates. That was probably that stupid dragon crash landing again. A little stronger than most other times, but not out of the area of statistical probability.”
The “stupid dragon” was shaking his head and coming back around, thanks mostly to the bucket of ice water dumped on his head and the Boston-Crème Donut waved under his snout. “Okay, so where was I?” he asked while swallowing said Boston-Cream Doughnut and making his way back to the center of the stage where his pot of coconut oil lay on the floor.
As he absentmindedly begins to smear even more oil on his already sopping scales, “Right, um… historical day and all that. Right.”
He begins to enthusiastically point to the front of the stage and almost shouts in his excitement, “There! Right there! We’ll put up another monument. ‘Here on this day, Impish Dragon pulled a fast one on Lethal Leprechaun.’ We’ll have to fancy up the wording some but…”
Impish stops and looks out at the audience as if seeing them for the first time, “And I’m so glad you are all here to witness my huge success!” Impish looks down at his oil soaked watch, “In just a couple of minutes now, Lethal Leprechaun will be stepping through that mirror returning from his extended vacation in Leprechaunia. He never DID allow me to come and visit so I’m going to slip through the portal while it is open and he is … I did tell you that the mirror is a portal, right? No? Well, okay, the mirror is a portal and it’s connected to Leprechaunia. Now, I can’t open it, believe me I tried. But it HAS to open when he returns and if I time it right, I’m going to slip in as he steps through. I’ve even oiled myself down so I can slide right in as he steps out. And I WILL get my vacation! Surf, Sun, and bathing beauties! I can hardly wait!”
As he finishes his explanation, the edges of the mirror begin to glow and a strange swirling transforms the glass into a foggy mist. Impish sets himself in a stance like he’s ready to run the 100 meter dash, or, in his case, the 100 meter waddle. “Wait for it…”
“Wait for it…”
Finally you see a green clad leg begin to step through the mirror and Impish takes off at a run across the stage and towards the mirror. You have to give him credit, he is almost moving at a good clip. Just as Lethal steps through the mirror, he has just enough time to step out of the way as Impish launches himself in the air while screaming, “KOWABUNGA!” Sadly, he doesn’t sail very far at all in the air, but instead belly flops a foot or two in front of the mirror, but with the oil slathered all over the place and with a maniacal laugh he screams, “I DID IT! I BEAT YOUUUUUUUUU…..” as he slides through the mirror and disappears.
There is a long silence in the campground as Lethal looks at the mirror until the swirling mist turns back into glass mirror, then he turns to you all and says, “Well, that certainly was exciting. I did think the Kowabunga was a nice touch, though.” and begins to walk off the stage, when he stops and looks back at you all. “I’m sure you all know that things aren’t going to go quite the way my buddy Impish thinks they will, right? Well, allow me to check back into the business office and I’ll come back and give you…,” in his best Paul Harvey voice, “…The REST of the Story.”
He waves his hand dismissively at Terrance as he comes from behind the curtains rubbing his head, “You folks go ahead and go through Dragon Laffs. I know he finished the issue because I didn’t let him know of my return until I was sure he finished up. We’ll catch up later.”
And with that he walks off the stage. And all that’s left for you to do is….
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…
He hypnotized seven guys…
Then he dropped the mic on his foot and yelled…
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
It was a hell of a good Olympics!
Well, here it is…my final plead for donations. I have to pay the bill for the ezine very soon now and we really didn’t do well this year. Other than the vets, the disabled and the current service members, be they Law, Fire, EMT or Military (all of those who run TOWARDS the danger while the rest run AWAY) who have automatic Patron status, here are the New Patrons:
Steven H. Leah H. Henry S. Karl K. (K2) Virginia K. (Ginny)
Diamantina (Diaman) Henry C. Dan T. Jonathon J. Donald G. and James C.
Please, won’t you please consider one more time, a donation for our efforts for you each week?
Okay, that’s the pleas for this year. I will mention anyone else who donates, of course, but I’m done asking for money.
Here’s a GREAT essay on the redistribution of wealth! (aka taxes). It’s from:
Read the rest of the essay here: http://www.thenewamerican.com/reviews/american-principles/item/23907-what-s-wrong-with-the-redistribution-of-wealth and don’t forget to read the comments. They got into some really good discussions on the topic.
Okay, so here is your warning:
It was horrible, right? It’s going to be going through your mind for the rest of the day, “untweetable”. Right? So why the heck do you think I gave you the WARNING!? So don’t blame me if you can’t get rid of “untweetable”.
“Good luck with that offering, pal. It sure doesn’t look virginal to me. What? Gold? Okay, we can discuss this.”
This one is from 2014, but it is so very true still today. You really gotta love this senator from South Carolina.
Yeah, like CNN is anything other than the Controlling News Network.
That is the way of Obama
As I was getting in bed, she said, “You’re drunk.”
I said, “How do you know?”
She said, “You live next door.”
A bunch of people are out there looking for Pokemon, but won’t look for a job.
Go ahead, let that sink in.
Just a random shot of one of our team members’ kid.
I did learn something very interesting last weekend. Apparently RSVPing back to a wedding invitation, “Maybe Next Time” isn’t the correct answer.
Heck, I thought that was a good answer.
And that is the honest truth!
Well, apparently, you should have been more precise.
Okay, okay, I can feel the hate mail coming over this one right now. Let me just tell all you complainers one thing…IT’S A JOKE! Lighten up for crying out loud.
Yes, and the others of you who are outraged over this one…see the previous instruction.
This is just an example of Ninja Kitty School hazing gone horribly wrong.
And that, my friends, it what any other fellow officer would do.
Our old grouch friend Paul K9 writes in to us to tell us a story.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, he spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and he smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again!
Okay, truth in advertising here…that’s all just bullshit! I LOVE MY KINDLE! I have almost 16,000 books in my electronic library (thanks in huge part to my best buddy Lethal Leprechaun) (****The following is a mandatory statement based on a legal mutual agreement between Mr. Leprechaun and Mr. Dragon****) (Yes Lethal, I am your book bitch) … ahem, as I was saying, I have almost 16k books in my electronic library, can anyone imagine how much paper that would take and how much room it would take if they were all real, live books.
If we assume that the average width of a book, paperback and hardback is half an inch, which I think is a little on the low side, 16,000 books X .5 inch = 8,000 inches or 667 running feet of shelf space. Now, assuming a normal book shelf (at least normal for me) is 6 feet tall, has five shelves that are 28 inches across. That means that each book shelf can hold about 11 running feet of books. So, my electronic library would need at least 61 book shelves.
Looking around my house, if I moved every single piece of furniture out, and used every single inch of wall space, and in the rooms that are large enough putting some of the shelves in the middle of the room and not even on the wall, I’d still be putting a handful of them in the backyard due to a lack of room. But, that would be okay, since that’s where all the furniture is, anyway.
It would be a really cool set up…until the first time it rained…or got cold…
Well, that little snippet got a little out of hand. I think it’s time to get back to …. um …. what ever it was we were doing before I started talking about books.
I think motivational posters are in order.
But, it’s Dairy Queen!
Yeah, that’s pretty much been my experience as well.
Cow udder excretion.
Okay, another video. This one is just too good to pass by.
I want to take the opportunity to talk about something that pissed me off for the last week or so since I heard about it. And in some ways I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, but I have to get rid of this anger.
Colin Kaepernick sitting during the National Anthem in protest to the inequalities being perpetrated on different, selected minorities in our country.
Yes, there are some terrible things going on in our country right now. I would submit that they are happening to all classes and types of peoples, but be that as it may, we agree that there are horrible things going on.
And yes, the exact country he is protesting against, allows him the right and the freedom to express himself as he sees fit.
Having said all that, he has picked a truly horrible and insulting way to express his feelings.
Our National Anthem, our Flag, our Country has paid the price in the blood of the patriots who not only fought for our freedom, but continue to fight and protect the rest of us here at home.
Standing for the Anthem and the Flag is an acknowledgement of the sacrifices of greater people than ourselves who have given their all for us. Failing to stand politely is saying that what those others gave up means nothing to you.
And I submit to you, Mr. Kaepernick, if your parents haven’t taught you to be thankful for the freedoms that were given to you, if you can’t acknowledge a great sacrifice that was done FOR you, then sir, I suggest you find another country to call home and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!
I AM The Impish Dragon and I’ll hold the door for you as you leave!