#1471–23 Jan 16


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Good Morning Campers!

Today is January 23rd, and it’s also…. drumroll please!

A spotlight appears focused on the back of the darkened stage.  Terrance the Troll is sitting behind a drum set with a huge grin on his face.  He nods once and begins a drumroll.

…Measure Your Feet Day!1a

Terrance follows up the drumroll with a rim shot! Everyone in the crowd laughs politely, while Impish makes a cutting gesture across his throat and the spotlight goes out.  Impish pauses a second and just as he begins to speak again, from the back of the darkened stage comes the unmistakable sound of the drum tease: bah-dump-bump.

As I was saying, today is Measure Your Feet Day… another rim shot from the back…okay Terrance, knock it off.  When we investigated this holiday, (we checked one website, Holiday Insights) we found this incredibly in-depth information:

Measure Your Feet Day

Date When Held : Event is always January 23

Measure Your Feet Day is a day to, well it’s a day to measure your feet. At this point, we stop and ask ourselves…why? We pondered this question for a while. Then, we decided it was best not to even speculate.

Celebrate today by measuring your feet. Both of them. Measure the length. Then, measure the width. For a little fun, see if you can measure someone else’s feet.

Note: We are so glad that congress did not spend the time to declare this a “National” day…..yet


Origin of Measure Your Feet Day:

Sorry,  but our research failed to discover who created this day, when it was created,  or why in the world it was created. We sure would like to meet them, and his/her feet.

We did find some reference to this day having once been on January 30th.

A holiday to celebrate indeed!

Monday: As I’m writing to you today, it is Monday, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  It is 1° F outside, but with the blowing wind, if feels like -14°F.  The kids were on a 2 hour delay as of last night, but then this morning the school called and cancelled school all together due to the bitter cold. 

I have the day off.  Thanks Martin.

As you can tell from today’s header, it’s not a good idea to remind Lethal how … um … odd it is for someone who lives in Texas to complain about the cold.  I was given lines to write on the chalk board and the picture shows me as I just finished up the last of them.  It doesn’t show you the other 225 chalk boards in the rest of our school that I had to fill first.

Anyway, My fish pond is completely froze over.
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As you can see, the pond is completely froze over except for the fountain, which has created it’s own partial ice dome and the heater, which keeps a hole in the ice so carbon dioxide can escape and oxygen can get in because, believe it or not, all my little fishes are alive under there.  Which has got to be one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.  They are some tough little fish.

I’m wearing a black armband today and probably for the rest of the football season because my Packers lost on Saturday night.  It was a really good game, right up until the 2nd play in overtime. 

Sigh.

So now the final four are:
New England Patriots at Denver Broncos
and
Arizona Cardinals at Carolina Panthers

I’ve got nobody left to cheer for.  I don’t like…let me change that…I DISLIKE both the Patriots and the Broncos and I’m ambivalent about the Cardinals and the Panthers.  I suppose I could cheer for the Cardinals in the spirit of “the team that beat my team” kind of thing, but …. I don’t know.  We’ll have to see.  Maybe Mrs. Dragon has a favorite and I can cheer in sympathy with her.

But, one thing is for sure, the Broncos / Patriots game will be an exciting one with the Manning / Brady rivalry.  And it could be Payton’s last game.

 

 

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This one just cracked me up!  What a GREAT picture!

 

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are badly damaged, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 1c

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says: “Wow, look at our cars – there’s nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other.”

The man replies: “Oh yes, I agree with you completely.”

1dThe woman points to a bottle on the ground and says: “Here’s another miracle. Somehow this bottle of whisky from my back seat didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink it and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks: “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies: “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police – I’ll let them decide whose fault it is.”

Women are sneaky, evil, cunning and not to be trusted.  Wait.  That’s politicians.  Politicians are sneaky, evil, cunning and not to be trusted.

Women are fun to play with.

 

 

1b

Sounds really familiar.

 

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel , to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem . “I’ve just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right, about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that read, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

 

1e

 

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“I found him.  Can I keep him?”
But is it the boy or the dragon who asks?

 

1f

 

The Olympic Colors

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms.
 
Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife.
 
“Olympic condoms?” she asks him. “What makes them Olympic, exactly?”
 
“Well,” answers her husband, “They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks with a smile.
 
“Gold, of course!” proclaims her husband proudly.
 
“Really,” ponders the wife, “Why don’t you wear Silver?”
 
“Why silver?” asks the husband.
 
Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

 

1g

 

Public

This has been announced several times, but people are still being sucked in by this…so here again is a STRONG WARNING!

Event: IRS Warns of Phone Scam

Location: Nation-wide

Source: RTV6

Synopsis: Beware! The Internal Revenue Service is warning of a widespread and troublesome phone scam. This tax season, criminals are masquerading as representatives of the IRS and are calling taxpayers demanding payments, and threatening prison time. The scammers are relentless.

As RTV6 was interviewing 80-year-old Virginia Cristoph, she received her third scam call of the day. She has been ignoring the threats. “Common sense tells you in today’s world you have to go ahead and be careful, watch out for yourself. When you’re 80 years old, you have to act like you’re 80 years old with some sense,” Cristoph said.

Since 2013, at least 5,000 victims have paid out more than $26 million.

According to the IRS, they will never call you and demand immediate payment. The real IRS will never threaten you, whether that is a threat of foreclosing your house, deporting you, or sending the police out to arrest you.

So, understand, that if someone calls claiming to be from the IRS, just hang up.

 

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I’ve told you before, that Pizza is God’s food, one of the few food items you’ll be able to get in heaven.

 

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE….It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are over 65 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
 
 
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
Answers:
 
 
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
 
 
You got all 6 wrong…didn’t you?
The good news is:
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.  You are a pervert.
Okay, so yes, I did get each of them wrong.  And yes, I know already, I am a pervert.
10

Snopes says that this story is undetermined, so you can take the truthfulness of it with a grain of salt.  Some of the descriptions don’t ring true, but heck, it is a FUNNY story.

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below..

Hi Sharon,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

10a

 

Fantasy Pic

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This is an action shot of one of our security team in action.  The male security guard is pretending to be completely overwhelmed by the evil female spy. 

Although, I must admit, he did too good a job of pretending and she ended up breaking all the way in to our facility and was stopped by other members of the security detail.

 

I like top ten lists.  And this one is especially good.  And I admit that I agree with just about every one of these.

Top Ten Things Men / Women Would Do If They Woke Up With A
Vagina / Penis For A Day:

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10.  Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9.  Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8.  See if they could finally do a split.

7.  Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6.  Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5.  Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4.  Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3.  Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2.  Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1.  Finally find that damn G-spot.



Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10.  Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9.  Get a blow job.

8.  Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7.  Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6.  Determine why you can’t hit the bowl consistently.

5.  Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4.  Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3.  Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2.  Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1.  Repeat # 9.
10b

I’d say it’s worth a try!

 

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?

 

10c

 

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10d

 

And now it’s Friday.

Big snow coming to the East Coast.  From New York to the Carolinas it’s going to snow!  Washington D.C. is supposed to get 2 feet!  Hee, Hee, Hee!  I can’t help it.  Those damn elected officials don’t do anything anyway, but now they’ve actually got an excuse…except no one will be there.  They will have already left.

A dear old friend, from the beginning days of Dragon Laffs when it was still emailed out somewhat daily, Jeannie who goes by Gracie…or is it Gracie, who goes by Jeannie.  Not really sure because I think she’s been messing with me all these years, but anyway, she writes:

It’s crazy here on Long Island.  I heard the shelves are bare.  Panic mode has set in.  I was done Wednesday, I’m not going near the supermarkets!!  (I even returned my library book that I finished so I don’t get charged that terrible 5 cents a day!) hehehe
My friend Pat in North Carolina has 8+ inches and it’s heading our way.  PLEASE let’s keep our power!!  Please please please.  It’s too cold out!  Winds up to 60 mph tomorrow.
Whee!!  Here it comes!!

5

See, I don’t understand that.  Why is it that every time it snows, the grocery stores immediately sell out of Milk, Eggs and Bread?  Why is there such a strong desire to make French Toast just because it snows?  You’d think that snow shovels, salt and warm clothes would sell out, but no.  It’s breakfast.

10e

 

Good question!  It would’ve prevented a lot of the suicides as well.  But that would have just been an added benefit.

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HILLARY’S CAMPAIGN DEEPLY DAMAGED: ACCUSES OBAMA APPOINTEE OF SABOTAGE

The Clinton campaign is scrambling.

The Washington Times – Hillary Clinton is vehemently disputing new charges that she sent top-secret information from a nonsecure email account while at the State Department, but analysts say the scandal has already damaged her so deeply that her presidential ambitions are at risk.

Mrs. Clinton’s messages contained some information classified above “top secret,” the intelligence community’s inspector general said in a letter to Congress this week. Fox News reported Thursday that the information is so sensitive that even senators, who already have clearance, must go through additional hoops if they want to see some of what she was sending. (Keep in mind, boys and girls, that Gen Petraeus was prosecuted for one (1) single instance of this, and the information he released to his ghost writer (and mistress) was not classified anywhere NEAR this high.  Clinton has hundreds, if not thousands of instances!  And she’s STILL running for president?!)

The Clinton campaign responded by accusing the inspector general, I. Charles McCullough, appointed by President Obama, of politically motivated leaks to sabotage her campaign. (Sure, because if nobody found out, she wouldn’t have done anything wrong.  It’s only wrong or a lie if you get caught.)

Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders’ ‘likability’ factor has garnered him a continual rise in his poll numbers. Clinton has been working to paint a picture of him as likable – yes – but, not able to deliver on his promises.

“In theory there’s a lot to like about some of his ideas, but in theory isn’t enough. A president has to deliver in reality,” said Mrs. Clinton of her opponent in a recent speech. (Just like you delivered in Benghazi!  Bitch!)

Sorry Hillary – the ‘reality’ for you is – the voters don’t trust you.   You don’t belong in the presidency. You belong in jail. (And I ask you, dear Campers, and in extension, you, the American public, why the hell isn’t she IN JAIL?)

10f

 

So…if you think the North Koreans Are Stupid…

6

Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general.

This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership.

He hadn’t even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon.

So he is made the “Beloved Leader” Of North Korea

Terrific!!! 

Oh crap!  I’m sorry…

I just remembered that libtards did the same thing.

 

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Stephan Pastis is such an ass!  LOL!  But he’s my kind of ass!  I love this guy!

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10g

 

BBC News – Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda and ISIS announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. Spokesmen for both groups said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers  concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. ” It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England , Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star,  Susan Boyle.  Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages
 A group of Imams suggested they use the same virgins over & over.  “They’ll never know”, one Imam said.  It’s been rumored that the Imam group  has Liberal-progressive tendencies.

10h

 

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Iron Man

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I think for today, I’ll let one of my favorite Americans have the Last Word:

“Socialism only works

in two places:

Heaven where they don’t need it

and hell where they already have it.”

-Ronald Reagan  

 

‘Here’s my strategy on

the Cold War:

We win, they lose.’

– Ronald Reagan

 

‘The most terrifying words

In the English language are:

I’m from the government

and I’m here to help.’

-Ronald Reagan

 

‘The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.’

-Ronald Reagan

 

‘Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the  U.S. was too strong.

– Ronald Reagan

‘I have wondered at

times about what the

Ten Commandments would

have looked like if Moses

had run them through

the U.S. Congress.

-Ronald Reagan

‘The taxpayer:

That’s someone who works

for the federal government

but doesn’t have to take the

civil service examination.’

– Ronald Reagan

‘Government is like a baby:

An alimentary canal with a

big appetite at one end and

no sense of responsibility

at the other.’

– Ronald Reagan

‘The nearest thing to eternal

life we will ever see on this earth

is a government program.’  

– Ronald Reagan

‘It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.

I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.’

– Ronald Reagan

‘Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.

If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And if it stops moving,

subsidize it.’

– Ronald Reagan

‘Politics is not a bad profession.

If you succeed,

there are many rewards;

if you disgrace yourself,

you can always write a book.’

– Ronald Reagan

‘No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.’

– Ronald Reagan

‘If we ever forget that we’re one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under.’

-Ronald Reagan

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9 Responses to #1471–23 Jan 16

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    You left out my favorite quote from the Gipper Impish!

    Ronald Reagan — ‘Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don’t have that problem.’

    God Bless his memory I miss him so much! We sure could sure a lot more of his gun boat diplomacy and common sense right about now.

  2. Jeannie says:

    P.S. – The eggs are for eggnog. The milk is for white russians, and the bread, well the bread is for sammiches!!!

  3. Jeannie says:

    As usual, another great issue!! Here on Long Island we have at least a foot and the snow just keeps coming down. Good thing Hunter, my dog, is a redhead or he would’ve been lost out there! He “allowed” me to go first so he could walk in my path. As long as we keep power, I’m good!
    My sister has had a pond for years. It’s amazing how the fish survive! One year we actually think the whole pond, including the fish, froze and they were all alive after the thaw! They’ll be fine, Mr. Dragon!
    Once again, great issue! Love, Gra…. ummmm Jeannie

  4. Rodney says:

    Nuther great issue. However, regarding the Kim Jon Un/Obama comparison, I should remind you that while N. Korea, and other dictatorships, only appoint their unqualified leaders after the death of the previous one, you folks elect a new one every four or eight years.

  5. Ginny says:

    Take your bows for another outstanding issue. I’m sitting here in NJ watching the wind BLOW and the white shit falling to give us roughly 10-1/2 inches. I agree with your giggle over what DC will get today. Thanks for the fun and laughs. Also happy to hear your pond aquarium is alive and surviving.

    • impishdragon says:

      Thanks Ginny,
      Having never owned an outdoor pond with live fish I’m very surprised the little guys are still alive swimming around in there. It’s actually pretty neat to see them swimming around under the ice.
      Thanks again for your very nice comments.

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