Dragon Laffs #1457


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Good Morning Campers,

As you remember, we left off with our heroes just discovering that the littlest dragon had gone missing…

“wait … where’s Izzy?” Mrs. Dragon suddenly asks.  No one else in the room looks around except Mrs. Dragon who is getting more and more upset.

“She is safe and about to experience her first, what I’d characterize as a ‘dragon sized’ teachable moment for head strong mythical mixed race adolescents. Not to worry, the teacher is an expert in such situations. While the lesson might scare her a bit momentarily, which I hasten to add is more or less the entire point, she’s safe, not far away, in no trouble, has 3 ninja cats with her she knows nothing of and willingly or not will be quite safe until we join up again shortly.  I promise.”

Mrs. Dragon quivering with anger, both at Lethal for allowing her daughter to leave the perceived safety of her  line of sight as well as at her daughter’s insolent sulking adolescent behavior. Glaring at Impish for allowing all of the above, she begins to go insubstantial as she starts transforming into her true Banshee form.

 Impish casually places his fingers in his ears as Lethal hurriedly reaches for a pair of Industrial Noise Canceling Head Phones and hastily blurts out-  “ Now before you go off in all finger nails on blackboard screeching fit o’ fury, ‘tis a few words in my defense I’ll be offering. I allowed it to happen as an exercise in reverse psychology and to show Lil Missy-Too-Big-For-Her-Black-PJs  that, regardless of her personal assessment of her skills, she’s a long way from being a reincarnation of Tomoe Gozen or a real life Jinx or Elecktra.”

He directs his gaze at Clan Mistress SC where she is perched on the table eyes half lidded next to Friday who is absently stroking her head. “The NKs will make it a point in the future, I’m sure, of strongly discouraging this sort of behavior or I’ll not permit the lessons to continue.” This comment causes SC to open her eyes a brief moment and respond with a “Merff!” before turning her head so the focus of Friday’s absent minded petting falls on one ear and her eyes return to a half lidded expression of pleasure.

“Now, if we had tried to exclude Izzy from the briefing she would have undoubtedly felt it mandatory to attempt to eavesdrop or otherwise gain knowledge of what was going on/being said instead of having lunch quietly with one of the sisters here. By including her, then allowing her to conclude it was a boring adult-stuff meeting where nothing exciting would happen and allowing her to slip out in what she thinks was unplanned and unnoticed to follow Mr. Boy, (whom I might add was a deliberate enticement to do so since I already knew what he was going to tell us) I achieved the desired end result of her being absent from the meeting and being escorted exactly where I wished her to be sans all the teen aged female angst and drama.”

Izzy Dragon was currently skulking down a corridor, swiftly moving from one shadow to the next so as not to be noticed.  She was very glad of the training she had been receiving from the Ninja Kitties and how they had taken her in as one of their own clan.  She was currently following the big red guy, whom she knew to be Hell Boy.  She wasn’t familiar with his backstory, but she knew he was important, just by the fact that he seemed to answer to her dad and uncle Lethal.  She chuckled quietly to herself as she thought about how easy it was to slip out past the parental units, the Week Day Girls and the cyberlethals from their stupid, boring meeting.  Nobody pays attention to kids, which makes her ninja skills even easier to use.

Hell Boy had just turned the corner up ahead and was momentarily out of sight.  She hurried to the turn in the corridor and as she peeked around she came face to face with his giant mug.  “Boo!”, he said and Izzy squeaked in surprise.  Before she could make a move, he snatched her up by the back of her shirt in his stone fist and stood with her, holding her up to look him in the eyes.

Speaking through the cigar, clamped tightly between his teeth he said, “Well, well, well, what have we here.  A tiny spy come to see what the big red guy is up to, huh?  You know what we do to  spies we catch, dontcha?  We torture and then kill them.”

Izzy struggled in his grasp, “Let me go!  Let me go!  I didn’t do nothin’! I’m not a spy!”

“Let me give you two points of advice, little spy, before I eat you for lunch.”

“I’m not afraid of you!  You wouldn’t be giving me advice if you were going to eat me! My Dad’s a dragon, you hurt me and he’ll spit roast you for his friends and make soup out of your tail.”

“Good points.  Except for the part about my being afraid of your Dad, I’ve been up against him before. So, we’ll just skip the advice.  Move right to lunch.  Like your Dad I’m thinkin’ spit roasted over a slow fire, with some mushrooms, sautéed onions, and a bit of my own steak sauce.”

“I don’t like mushrooms and onions!”

Hell Boy poked her once or twice in the ribs and said, “Yup, should be nice and tender.  Don’t matter what you like.  I’m the one that’s going to be eating them, not you.”  He continued to carry her towards the kitchen, describing in detail how he was going to fix her for lunch, with her squirming and arguing with him the whole way.

“Izzy is fine, she’s being well cared for.  She thought she slipped out, using the ninja skills the NK Clan have been teaching her. She’s currently down in the kitchen being lunch for Big Red.  Um…that is to say, she’s having lunch with Hell Boy, although he’s doing his best to convince her that she IS his lunch, but she’s not really buying it and she’s mouthing off to him and holding her own.  We’ll join them later.”

Mrs. Dragon seemed to visibly relax while Impish and Lethal shared a look and then chuckled together. “Okay, so then let’s get Intel in here and get an update on just what the hell seems to be going on.”

Lethal nods at Tuesday as he removes the headphones saying “My dear would you please tell No-name we’re ready for him now?” She nods and steps out of the room.

That’s about all we can share right now.  We’re past the time to get the issue started, so I’m very pleased to say:

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The funniest part about this next piece is that someone felt it necessary to put the word “satire” after the title!

Did anyone watch the democratic debates on Tuesday?  Here’s a recap.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Democratic Debate

—Satire

Anderson Cooper: Can anyone find Syria on a map?

Hillary Clinton: Well Anderson, as a woman…

Anderson Cooper: Can you find Syria on a map?

Hillary Clinton: As a woman…

Anderson Cooper: Syria on a map. Can you find it?

Hillary Clinton: As a woman…

Anderson Cooper: Never mind. Senator Sanders, do you agree with the Secretary?

Bernie Sanders: SYRIA? Why are we talking about Syria when 41 PERCENT OF 99 PERCENT of all the money is going to the 1 PERCENT.

Anderson Cooper: Can you just answer the question.

Bernie Sanders: Syria is CONFUSING. Lots of PEOPLE fighting. Economics is SIMPLE. You just take away all the money from all the people who have the MONEY.

Anderson Cooper: The question is about Syria.

Bernie Sanders: Right NOW the 1 PERCENT are eating BABIES. They have piles and PILES of babies in their MANSIONS and on Wall Street and they’re chowing down on them like hungry dogs.

Anderson Cooper: Governor Chafee, you recently suggested making Syrian dictator Assad into the Governor of New Mexico. Do you still stand by that idea?

Lincoln Chafee: I was always against the Iraq War

Anderson Cooper: This is about Syria

Lincoln Chafee: I knew the Iraq War was a mistake from the beginning.

Bernie Sanders: I knew the Iraq War was a mistake even earlier. You want opposition to the Iraq War, I was OPPOSED.

Jim Webb: One minute. I was opposed to the Iraq War in 1992.

Bernie Sanders: 1992? I opposed the Iraq War in 1922. I opposed the Vietnam War. I opposed WW2. I opposed WW1. I opposed the Mexican War. I opposed the War of 1812.

Lincoln Chafee: Edward Snowden is a hero. We should make a national memorial to the Rosenbergs. Let’s apologize to the British for Bunker Hill.

Bernie Sanders: I was opposed to Bunker Hill. I said back then that the Revolution is all about putting money in the pockets of the 1 percent like Paul Revere and George Washington… WHO EAT BABIES!

Martin O’Malley: I need to say something very important here… in a slow sonorous voice… as if I’m trying to sell you car insurance… over the phone. Somewhere in the audience… is Paul Bigmann who fought in the Iraq War. After the war… he couldn’t get a job… until I paid him to come here and applaud my speeches… if I am elected president… I will pay all Iraq War veterans to come and applaud everything I say. For America.

Anderson Cooper: The question is about Syria.

Martin O’Malley: Syria is a very serious issue… very serious. That’s why I’m committed to making all the electricity green by 2050.

Anderson Cooper: No one even knows what that means.

Martin O’Malley: We need to rip all the ugly dirty fossil wires out our walls and replace them with clean green wires made by a company that gave me a lot of money… So this never happens again.

Anderson Cooper: Does anyone have anything to say about Syria?

Hillary Clinton: I know all about Syria. I personally negotiated a ceasefire with Assad that ended the war. Because I get things done. I’m a progressive moderate who is consistently changing her views like any normal person who hides private email servers in a bathroom in the Fuhrerbunker.

Anderson Cooper: There’s no ceasefire in Syria. The fighting is still going on.

Hillary Clinton: When I flew into the Damascus airport under fire, I remembered what my late mother told me…

Anderson Cooper: None of that ever happened

Hillary Clinton: I had already negotiated an end to the fighting in Israel, Ireland and Yugoslavia…

Jim Webb: No, you didn’t.

Hillary Clinton: And so I said to Assad, cut it out. Stop killing all those people. Because that’s what real leadership is. And I’m a real leader. As a woman…

Bernie Sanders: SHUT UP. Look, this is real simple. Assad is the 1 percent. We kill all the 1 percent and there will be WORLD PEACE. We kill the 1 percent in America and Syria and all over the world in some sort of…

Anderson Cooper: International worker’s revolution?

Bernie Sanders: Exactly, for the middle class, which is the backbone of our country. Until we DEBONE them and put them in GULAGS.

Lincoln Chafee: I support twice as many gulags as Senator Sanders. And make them twice as cold.

Martin O’Malley: Under my leadership, we actually made gulags in Maryland. I passed the Right to Gulag Act and we had overflowing gulags. Except we called them prisons and they were full of black people and green electricity.

Anderson Cooper: Alright, what the hell. Secretary Clinton, do you believe we should send the middle class to Gulags.

Hillary Clinton: Anderson, as a woman and a leader who is respected by donors around the world, I believe that we need to come together around solutions that work. Gulags for the middle class are just not realistic. I appreciate Bernie’s passion for Gulags. I know he loves Gulags from my time working with him in the Senate. And I know many people think we need Gulags.

Anderson Cooper: Are you for or against sending the middle class to Gulags?

Hillary Clinton: It’s not a simple issue. I believe we can get the same effective results as Gulags without the Gulags by raising tax rates for everyone whose last name isn’t Clinton to 100 percent, abolishing the Constitution and forcing everyone to move to Madison, Wisconsin.

Anderson Cooper: The audience isn’t applauding. It seems to want Gulags.

Hillary Clinton: As I’ve always said, I’m for Gulags, but we can’t get the Gulags done without experienced leadership and no one has more experience with Gulags than I do. I’ve seen Gulags in North Korea and China and I believe we can do better. We don’t just need Gulags, we need Smart Gulags. We need Gulags that will be role models for our children as they are raised by the Gulags.

Bernie Sanders: TALK, TALK, TALK. A Bernie Sanders administration isn’t going to talk about sending political dissidents to GULAGS. It’s ACTUALLY going to do it. Bernie Sanders will fight to Gulag everyone opposed to his policies. Bernie Sanders will Gulag Wall Street. Bernie Sanders will Gulag the Wall Street Journal. Bill Sanders will Gulag you, if you don’t vote for him.

Anderson Cooper: Do you really think that sending everyone to Gulags is an electable platform?

Bernie Sanders: HELL YES. We just need millions of people coming together to Gulag everyone who doesn’t want to give them free college, free pot and free Gulags. RIGHT NOW there are 100,000 community organizers at centers around the country drawing up lists of who to Gulag.

Anderson Cooper: Do you see any obstacles to this plan to put 50 percent of the country in arctic prison camps?

Bernie Sanders: Global Warming. If the ice melts, how are we going to keep them in the Gulags?

And that about wraps it up.

 

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Medical Journal reported Friday Japanese scientists believe they have developed a male birth control pill. They discovered an organ transplant drug causes temporary infertility in men. Scientists in L.A. already developed a morning after pill for men, it changes your DNA and your phone number.

 

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Russian warships in the Caspian Sea continued firing long-range cruise missiles into Syria on Thursday to attack both ISIS and US-backed rebels in Syria. However four of the Russian cruise missiles fell short and they accidentally landed in Iran. That’s Russia’s story and they’re sticking to it.

 

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This is a picture of our day care in the offices.  All the kids always say they have a wonderful time.  Plus, any employee who doesn’t get their child back at the end of the day, get’s a one hundred gold piece bonus.

 

University of Texas students plan to protest a state law allowing students to carry handguns on campus next year by carrying sex toys instead. California banned open-carry of handguns last year. However the law exempts California hunting and shooting events, like changing lanes on the freeway.

 

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Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up…one minute prior to take-off, by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued…, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat,will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.
 
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later…“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”
To those people who are complaining that they don’t have any money:

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Fantasy Pix

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That’s one of our security experts posing for a book cover for a book that she wrote.  It’s not out yet, so I can’t tell you what the title is or what it’s about, but she did give me permission to use the picture.  Nice, right?

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Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

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Q: Why shouldn’t you lie to a woman with PMS & GPS?
A: Because she’s a bitch & she will find you.

 

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Q: What do toy railways and boobs have in common?
A: Both are made for children but it’s the fathers who play with them most.
 

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Women are like iPhones! You have to touch them all over before they respond…..Men are like Blackberry! Rub one ball and everything moves!
Oh come on!  That was funny! 

 

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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn’t like to call me at work.
 

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90% of women like men in pink T-Shirt. But ironically, 90% of men in pink T-Shirts don’t like women.

 

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Here’s a great example of how amazing our media is…

It’s hard to remember now, but when Nixon said he was tired of the damn Watergate investigation, did the press applaud and leave him alone?‪ – Denesh D’Souza

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In case you don’t remember, or are too young to remember, the answer to that question was a resounding “NO!”

 

Hillary Clinton enjoyed a winning night at the Democratic Party presidential debate Tuesday at the Wynn Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. She had more important things on her mind than the issues. For one thing, during the entire two-hour debate, Bill was unsupervised and in Las Vegas.

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Vermont Socialist Bernie Sanders brought down the house at the Democratic debate Tuesday by declaring that he’s sick and tired of hearing about Hillary Clinton’s damned e-mails. The senator wasn’t finished. Then he asked if anyone in the audience could please tell him what e-mail is.

 

Women are like volcanoes.
Both stay calm for extended periods of time before exploding and killing everything in their path.
Then they are calm again.

 

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Well, it’s time to leave us for today…but before we go, let’s take a quick peek back in on our friends and family.

Almost immediately, the legendary (but only known within the confines of DL&LL, Inc) No-name steps into the room.  Obviously he had been nearby awaiting his summons.  As he closes the door behind him, the room quickly quiets, the tension rising with the expectation of his report.

“Keep stirring those onions, they need to be sautéed in butter until they are almost clear, then we can add the mushrooms.” HB was standing over the littlest dragon as she stood at the stove.

“If you’re going to eat me, what am I doing cooking for you?”

Hell Boy had just thrown a couple of thick steaks on the grill as he answered, “If I make you work a little bit, it gets all the juices inside of you working a little bit and it makes for a much more tender and juicy baby dragon roast.  So, go ahead and throw those mushrooms in the pan and keep stirring like you have been doing.”

“I’m going to work so hard that I won’t be anything but tough and stringy for you!” She said as she stirred all the faster and harder.  She was a little startled when the big red guy just chuckled deep in his throat.

“Don’t worry you’re succulent little brain about it” dabbing a bit of the steak sauce he’d been working on on the end of her nose her continues, “that’s the thing about slow roasting, like braising it insures even tough and stringy meat becomes tender and stays juicy.”

Izzy began to wish she’d chosen to sit quietly through the meeting with Uncle Lethal and the ‘rents. Maybe Chai & SC had a point, ninja skills were sometimes no substitute for simple patience.

No-name had just finished his briefing and was being dismissed by Lethal.  “Thank you for that report, No-Name.  If no one has any more questions for him…?  Lethal glanced once around the table and receiving no further questions, proceeded, “Okay, thank you.  You may go, but stay close to your phone in case we have any more questions.”

Once the head of security left, Mrs. Dragon filled the silence, “So, why is that bitch, Hillary, trying to kill the two of you?  I don’t think I understood that part.”

Impish spoke up, “It’s not just Lethal and I her organization is trying to get to, it’s also any of our people, plus our families.”

Lethal added, “For the time being and immediately after this meeting, extra security will be placed around our families and anyone who wants can have their families stay at the resort area.  We might even make that a strong suggestion to all our members.  Call it a corporate vacation of sorts.  Everyone we can get inside of our facilities will be that many less we’ll have to have additional people in the field.  They will all be much safer here.”

“Well, you know dear,” she turns to look at Impish, “I have that charity event coming up this Thursday.  You know, the fund raiser for the poor children of MMFFPC (Magical, Mythical, Fantasy and Fictitious Persons and Creatures) coming up this Friday evening. And next weekend, you promised us a trip to Disney World.  Tinker Bell herself invited Izzy!  We just can’t miss those.”

“Before we discuss the security (nightmare)”, but that last bit was said under his breath, “Let’s go ahead and recap what we know so far.”

 1.) Liberals have absolutely no sense or concept of humor. Even the ones that are quintessential walking Liberal jokes and/or oxymoronic are not seen as funny by them

2.) Liberals hate facts and find them terribly inconvenient. They hate those who regularly use them to poke holes in their beliefs and arguments even more. Especially when this results in their true agenda being dragged out of the shadows into the light.

3.) They are desperate to to keep Obama’s legacy of moving us towards sharia law and socialism via importing as many resident aliens who they can entice to vote for them as they possibly can. The legality of the presence of these aliens is of no concern to them as they’re intent of granting the illegal one legal status. Should this policy allow terrorist cells to enter the US and/or successfully execute a planned terrorist attack as long as its not on them or their political support they really don’t care. After all it will only serve as a reason to strengthen the DHS and further their cause to disarm the American people.

4.) Hillary is intent on

    a.) Being elected the first woman President

    b.) Getting revenge on any one still in politics for what was done to her philandering meat puppet husband and herself while he was in office the first time.

    c.) Making as much money for her and their political cronies/ powerful backers (George Soros) as possible.

    d.) Continuing to erode the Constitution and all America used to stand for while simultaneously bankrupting us to bring about their desired new world order (and I don’t mean the farcical WWF one either)

    e.) Silencing any voice of reason or opposition by any and all means necessary. This includes the buying of media groups by liberals, seeing media icons discredited and replaced with those more easily persuaded or buying off those they cannot reach otherwise.

5.) When ever possible Hillary likes to make an example of those who oppose her & her husband. Walter Schieb, Charles Ruff, Tony Moser, James McDougal, John Millis and Ron Miller are all proof of this as well as their ability to manipulate the system in their favor to avoid prosecution or make prosecution go away. Since we are intent on standing in the way of #s 3 & 4 are guilty of being in the faction listed in #2 as well as shining light on Liberal Fallacies and Fantasies regularly use humor and facts to do so in direct affront of #1 we’re pretty high on the Liberal’s Wanted Dead or Mysteriously Dying list. Short of that, which so far has proven extraordinarily difficult due to my paranoid penchant for security and Impish’s uncanny dumb luck, they’ll resort to sending us a back off message by attempting to hurt/permanently injure or maim, or cause to die slowly &/or horribly someone close to us.

6.) This option apparently has become the preferred one since there have been several failed attempts, mostly on Impish which resulted in their agents meeting extraordinarily unpleasant ends. Additionally I believe they are focused on Impish and not me because of his involvement in the Kringle Washington DC Amicus Briefing Bombing Run of Feburary 2014. This saw the successful targeting of just about everyone in ASSHAT (Alphabet Soup Society Head Antagonistic Turds) and their key Minions the content of delivered package which was designed to insult and inflame them to more laughable heights as well as demonstrate that the Mythical Community was both backing us and would fight back in their refusal to be exploited by the Liberal powers that (for the Moment) be.

That’s it for now my friends.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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