Good Morning Campers,
Well, we have a couple of really important things to talk about today. First of all, I want to thank Lethal for the wonderful write-up he had for me last Wednesday. It truly brought a tear to my blue dragon eye. Thank you my friend. It was very, very nice.
Secondly, tomorrow’s Father’s Day. Take a moment to call your dad and tell him you love him. On a personal note: Dad, I’ll call you this weekend and whelpling, I’ll see you later today. To all you fathers out there….I hope it’s a wonderfully happy day.
And Last, but certainly not least, tomorrow is our dear Molly’s Birthday. For those of you who don’t know, Molly is my buddy Lethal’s better half. Everybody who knows or have even heard of her knows she must be an angel, a saint and a psychologist all rolled up into one to put up with our dear Lethal. I understand that the Vatican is asking for her for some sort of consulting job.
Happy Birthday dear Molly. And when you get mad at me about this, just remember it was your dear Lethal who tipped me off it was your birthday.
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: “Sukitaki. Mojitaka!”
Wife replies: “Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!”
Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”
I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t
You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex … You need serious help!
Sometimes I worry about you.
As I notice other people AGE, I REALIZE THAT:
~I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
~Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
~I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
~My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
~The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
~When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
~The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
~Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
~If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
~When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
~At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well as you only have two left.”
Seniors….don’t mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!
Thanks to Jean for this look at the future of 911 calls:
No more need said…except that they got a really “cute and nice” likeness of me. I think it gives the wrong impression to how much of a mean S.O.B. I really am.
political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian
said he misses Bill Clinton.“Yep, that‘s right – I miss Bill Clinton!”
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him … his wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he
gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America ‘s
shelves this week with ” Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the
nations’ distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot
water.Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The DodgeDrafter will be built in Canada.When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
“I don’t know, I never had one.”
The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the
truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and
nothing but what I think you need to know.”
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
and as funny as that is….it’s also so true.
Consider yourself warned!!
Our version of pin-the-tail-on-the-dragon
When you vote for an incumbent you are perpetuating our government as it is now. Nothing will change.
These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:
1.) We are advised NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
2.) Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.
How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t.
3.) Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping payments to illegal aliens such as monthly payments for each child, money for housing, food stamps, free education including college and also the right to vote?
So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?”
But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”
The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.
The bartender said, “Your only son, I’m guessing.”
Lethal Leprechaun, the king of identifying scams and keeping us safe on line, dropped me a special line the other day about this. We discussed it quickly and both of us agreed it couldn’t really wait until his next issue, so he put this together for special delivery for this issue.
Sure, this looks like a real Kroger Coupon. It displays the company logo, there aren’t many obvious typos (but there are a few) or other telltale signs of a scam.
However, I noticed right away the absence of a barcode. These days every coupon features a barcode to be scanned at checkout that automatically credits the coupon’s value to your total.
If you were to click on this offer (which I highly discourage you from doing), you would be directed to this screen, asking you to share the coupon with your Facebook friends.
Simply put, DON’T DO IT! They say the best things in life are free, but all this is, is a free scam.
Attention Kroger Customers: There is currently an unauthorized “Get $100 in Free Groceries when you spend $110 or more in one transaction” offer circulating on Facebook.
This giveaway is not affiliated with or supported by the Kroger Co. We recommend not engaging with the site that the offer links to, or providing any personal information.
Our team is actively working with Facebook as well as the domain service provider to address the concern.
Needless to say, this scam has already tricked a few thousand people. Please share this with any Kroger customer you might know so they don’t fall victim.
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf.
So, one of his co-workers asked him how well he did.
“I hit two of my best balls,” he said.
“Tell me about it,” said his co-worker.
“I stepped on a rake.”
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply… “Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex.
However, we have a few alcoholics.”
I don’t have proof, of course, but I suspect this is one of Lethal’s Kitties keeping his priorities in order.
Again, I’m can’t be 100% sure, but I’d think that this might have been photographed at Lethal’s house and just happened to end up as a public service announcement.
I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard.
I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California’s Bay Area.
But what my father told his friend was, ‘She’s involved in some sort of escort service.’
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
‘Nice threads, man,’ commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit.
‘Where’d you pick ’em up?’ Richard beamed.
‘My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?’ ‘I’ll say. What was the occasion?’ ‘Got me,’ admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug.
‘I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.’
That is no surprise to me at all!!!
For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night.
One morning I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen counter that read, “STAMPS!”
As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.
The next morning I found the same note. “STAMPS!” was crossed out.
Underneath it he had written, “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching really large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.
He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.
The baby weighed in at 22 lbs 10 oz.
I can’t believe it! He just gave the exact same briefing that I did yesterday at the staff meeting!
I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, ‘Ma’am, this potato is bad.’
She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it.
Then she put it back on my plate and said, ‘Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.’
I agree 100%. I would LOVE to have had this waitress in any of my restaurants that I’ve run. She sounds like a real peach!
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun.
After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went.
He was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun.
The Englishman inside said… ”Meow’.’ “Just cats,” he thought. He then prodded the second sack.
The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said… ”Woof’.’
“Just dogs,” he thought. As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say.
As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said… ”Potatoes!”