Dragon Laffs #1440


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Good Morning Campers,
Well, we have a couple of really important things to talk about today.  First of all, I want to thank Lethal for the wonderful write-up he had for me last Wednesday.  It truly brought a tear to my blue dragon eye.  Thank you my friend.  It was very, very nice.

Secondly, tomorrow’s Father’s Day.  Take a moment to call your dad and tell him you love him.  On a personal note: Dad, I’ll call you this weekend and whelpling, I’ll see you later today.  To all you fathers out there….I hope it’s a wonderfully happy day.

And Last, but certainly not least, tomorrow is our dear Molly’s Birthday.  For those of you who don’t know, Molly is my buddy Lethal’s better half.  Everybody who knows or have even heard of her knows she must be an angel, a saint and a psychologist all rolled up into one to put up with our dear Lethal.  I understand that the Vatican is asking for her for some sort of consulting job.

Happy Birthday dear Molly.  And when you get mad at me about this, just remember it was your dear Lethal who tipped me off it was your birthday.

Now…

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A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: “Sukitaki. Mojitaka!”
Wife replies: “Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!”
Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”
I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t
know Japanese.
You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex … You need serious help!
Sometimes I worry about you.

 

7

 

As I notice other people AGE, I REALIZE THAT: 

 
~I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
~Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
~I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
~My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
~The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
~When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
~The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
~Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
~If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
~When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
~At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 

 

1442

 

 

Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in….only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well as you only have two left.”

Seniors….don’t mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!

 

1443

 

 

Thanks to Jean for this look at the future of 911 calls:

 

 

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No more need said…except that they got a really “cute and nice” likeness of me.  I think it gives the wrong impression to how much of a mean S.O.B. I really am.

 

It doesn’t matter what party you belong to – this is good natured
political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian

said he misses Bill Clinton.
Yep, that‘s right – I miss Bill Clinton!”

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
He played the sax.

He smoked weed.

He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him … his wife works, and he doesn’t!   And, he
gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America ‘s
shelves this week with ” Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the
nations’ distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot
water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The DodgeDrafter will be built in Canada.When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
“I don’t know, I never had one.”

The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the
truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and
nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
Hanky Panky between the Bushes.

 

7a

 

There was an adult bookstore that opened right next door to a church.
 
The church members were unhappy about that, so they prayed that the store would go away.
 
Sure enough the store burned to the ground.
 
The bookstore owner took the church to court.
 
The judge after hearing the complaint said that she couldn’t comment on how the case would be settled but she thought it amazing the 525 church members didn’t believe in the power of prayer and one adult bookstore owner who did.
7b

and as funny as that is….it’s also so true.

 

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Consider yourself warned!!

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her, doctor?” the mother inquired. “Eventually,” said the doctor, “she will rise and shine!”

Groan3

My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, “That’s what it is supposed to do.”
 rimshot
Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.”
boomerang-bomb
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.
Frying Pan

1444

 

We were driving in my friend Larry’s new car. I asked him about its features. He listed the usual, then added, “It tells me to slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It points out solid no-passing lines.” I expressed my amazement. “But,” he explained, “these features work only when my wife is in the car.”
 
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Our version of pin-the-tail-on-the-dragon

 

 

When you vote for an incumbent you are perpetuating our government as it is now.  Nothing will change.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

   1.)   We are advised NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. 

   2.)   Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.

   How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money?  What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t. 

   3.)   Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping payments to illegal aliens such as monthly payments for each child, money for housing, food stamps, free education including college and also the right to vote?

 

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A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.
 
After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
 
He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?”

But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said,
“No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.
 
As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.”

The bartender said, “Your only son, I’m guessing.”

 

 

Lethal Leprechaun, the king of identifying scams and keeping us safe on line, dropped me a special line the other day about this.  We discussed it quickly and both of us agreed it couldn’t really wait until his next issue, so he put this together for special delivery for this issue.

6

Facebook scam promises free groceries
6a

Facebook has more than 1.44 billion users, which makes it a hacker’s paradise for posting scams. Even if only 1% of users fall for the scam at first, that’s still tens of millions of potential victims. And once they get hooked by the scam, it’s more likely some of their friends will as well, followed by those friends’ friends and so on.
 
Tell me if this sounds like a good deal to you: Spend $110 at Kroger, one of the nation’s largest grocery chains, and get $100 in free groceries. All you have to do is share that same coupon on your Facebook page. Here’s a photo of the coupon. Do you notice anything wrong with it?
6b

Sure, this looks like a real Kroger Coupon. It displays the company logo, there aren’t many obvious typos (but there are a few) or other telltale signs of a scam.

However, I noticed right away the absence of a barcode. These days every coupon features a barcode to be scanned at checkout that automatically credits the coupon’s value to your total.

If you were to click on this offer (which I highly discourage you from doing), you would be directed to this screen, asking you to share the coupon with your Facebook friends.

Simply put, DON’T DO IT! They say the best things in life are free, but all this is, is a free scam.

Here’s the official post from Kroger’s Facebook page, denouncing the fake coupon and scam:
6c

It reads:

Attention Kroger Customers: There is currently an unauthorized “Get $100 in Free Groceries when you spend $110 or more in one transaction” offer circulating on Facebook.

This giveaway is not affiliated with or supported by the Kroger Co. We recommend not engaging with the site that the offer links to, or providing any personal information.

Our team is actively working with Facebook as well as the domain service provider to address the concern.

Needless to say, this scam has already tricked a few thousand people. Please share this with any Kroger customer you might know so they don’t fall victim.

 

 

101

 

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf.

So, one of his co-workers asked him how well he did.

“I hit two of my best balls,” he said.

“Tell me about it,” said his co-worker.

“I stepped on a rake.”

 

1445

 

 

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply… “Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex.

However, we have a few alcoholics.”

 

 

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I don’t have proof, of course, but I suspect this is one of Lethal’s Kitties keeping his priorities in order.

a71

Again, I’m can’t be 100% sure, but I’d think that this might have been photographed at Lethal’s house and just happened to end up as a public service announcement.

 

a72

 

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard.

I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California’s Bay Area.

But what my father told his friend was, ‘She’s involved in some sort of escort service.’

 

1446

 

A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me.  The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”

The first woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

 

1447

 

 

‘Nice threads, man,’ commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit.

‘Where’d you pick ’em up?’ Richard beamed.

‘My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?’ ‘I’ll say. What was the occasion?’ ‘Got me,’ admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug.

‘I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.’

 

1448

That is no surprise to me at all!!!

 

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

One morning I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen counter that read, “STAMPS!”

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note. “STAMPS!” was crossed out.

Underneath it he had written, “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

 

 

1449

 

 

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching really large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.

He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed in at 22 lbs 10 oz.

 

1450

I can’t believe it!  He just gave the exact same briefing that I did yesterday at the staff meeting!

 

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, ‘Ma’am, this potato is bad.’

She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it.

Then she put it back on my plate and said, ‘Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.’

I agree 100%.  I would LOVE to have had this waitress in any of my restaurants that I’ve run.  She sounds like a real peach!

 

1451

 

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun.

After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went.

He was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun.

The Englishman inside said… ”Meow’.’ “Just cats,” he thought. He then prodded the second sack.

The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said… ”Woof’.’

“Just dogs,” he thought. As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say.

As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said… ”Potatoes!”

 

1452

 

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Humans2

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Humiliation

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Hummer H2

 

 

Turbo Encabulator

 

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
 
At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it.
 
She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
 
“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here.”
 
“How long is that?” asks the girl.
 
“About three hundred years.”

1448

 

 

!cid_9C9A0F3A696D49389189668ADE667166@LaptopJeff

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7 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1440

  1. Maggie says:

    wishing the Lovely Molly a wonderful and marvelous Birthday and my she get all that she wishes for

    • impishdragon says:

      “wishing the Lovely Molly a wonderful and marvelous Birthday and my she get all that she wishes for”

      My first thought was to tease Lethal and say, “damn dude, it was nice knowing you!” But I can’t really do that since I know what a truly wonderful relationship you and Molly have together.
      On this auspicious day, may we all raise a glass (mine’s coffee) and give a rousing cheer for Molly on her special day. Happy Birthday dear Molly, and may you have many happy returns.

  2. Ginny says:

    Another “outstanding” issue of Dragon Laffs! Happy Birthday to dear Molly…you are so right in saying the Vatican has some “SAINT” issues to discuss. The woman has earned a front seat in heaven for sure!

  3. Deborah Calhoun says:

    Have I missed something? This is like the second or third post that tells me that the page is not found. 

  4. John Z says:

    May MOLLY have a very happy & healthy BIRTHDAY & many more. As long as se an put up with you (snicker)

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      John we’re coming up on 12 years married now and 15 years of knowing each other.
      We’re not only each other spouse, we’re best friends, sou mates and in most all ways
      either each others equal or complimentary to each others strengths and weaknesses.

      According to Molly she doesn’t foresee letting me go ever as she sees me as something akin
      to a bottle of wine. She claims she’s spent too much time and effort stomping me into something
      acceptable to have dinner with to start over now.

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