The snow is falling steadily as you head for the campgrounds where Dragon Laffs is presented every Saturday. Thinking back, you don’t ever remember it being cold behind the mountain like it is this year. The only time it was ever snowing was during the annual ski trip and the winter festival. But, you also remember that although there was snow on the ground, and the snow was certainly cold as snow is wont to be, the air was always springtime warm and the sun always shined, even when it was snowing.
This year seemed different… more normal. Laughing to yourself you think: What’s “normal” like around THIS place?
As you round the mountain and approach the campground you see an amazing sight rising from the horizon. A huge ice palace where the campground normally sits. You immediately recognize it as Gustav Grave’s Icelandic Ice Palace in Die Another Day.
Cars and vehicles of all kinds are being parked by fairies, dwarves and other creatures. Instead of gun emplacements around the facility, you can see many of the staff frolicking in the snow, making snowmen, snow angels, having snowball fights. It’s pandemonium, but it all looks like so much fun you can’t help but jump out of your vehicle and join in the fun.
As you exit your vehicle, an ogre grabs your car from each side and with a two-step launch, sends your car sliding down the ice to another ogre who stops it and gently places it in a parking space. As you watch, a pickup truck slides towards the second ogre, who gracefully stops it and places it in its own spot. You recognize the ice flow from the movie and realize the ogres are sliding the vehicles along the ice to each other. It’s the strangest valet parking you’ve ever seen.
After getting pelted several times by snowballs, making your own snow angel and pelting others yourself, you look over and spy the lovely Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson building a snow dragon with Diaman and Ginny.
Just as you are pretty sure that it really is Halle Berry with the two iconic female figures of the DL&LL community, Impish steps out the front entrance to the palace and announces in a loud voice:
Good Morning and Welcome my fellow campers! It’s warm inside and today’s issue is about to begin. If you’d all like to finish up what you are doing and head …
Finally having spotted the snow dragon the girls are putting the final touches on, he continues:
Ah…finish up what you are doing and …. That looks NOTHING like me! It’s all wrong! It’s …
The poor blue dragon is suddenly pelted by hundreds of snowballs coming from all directions at once. It is a veritable rainstorm of snowballs. All hitting with amazing accuracy. He is driven back inside the palace doors and out of sight and the snowballs stop as magically as they started. You over hear someone say something about Lethal’s magical anti-whining dancing snowballs from hell and as you wonder about the anomaly of a snowball’s chance in hell, our blue hero pokes just his head out the front door and says:
And another thing….
When a much larger snowball hits him right smack on the nose, completely covering his face. As the dragon sputters, shakes his head to clear the snow, he announces quickly:
And whirls around so quick to get back inside that he slips and lands face first on the porch with a huge THUD! Well, sadly for our hero, that THUD! sets off a vibration that loosens a huge pile of snow from the eaves of the roof that falls and completely covers the dragon in a huge snow drift, blocking the entrance to the palace.
A hidden door suddenly pops open to the left of the main entrance and Ginny and Diaman are standing there holding the door open and signal everyone to come in that way while the huge snow drift heaves up and down seriously hindering the trapped dragon from escaping.
As you enter the palace, the warmth immediately embraces you and you again, give off your hats and coats to the fairies who are buzzing around for that purpose. Each coat, hat and scarf disappears as soon as you give them over and no coat check slip is given in return. But, remembering last week when the same thing happened and all your garments were returned, without harm, you’re not concerned with this bit of magic.
As you enter the main ballroom, you can see that it has been arranged with round tables spread throughout the room. There is a roped off section up towards the front of the stage with little place cards at each table. The tables are set with white table cloths, linen napkins, fine china and a scrumptious looking breakfast being served by scantily clad Fae folk. The males are serving the females and the visa versa. There is a lot of giggling and flirting going on.
The back, un-roped off section consists of fiberglass tables and booths and in the back of the room there is a McDougal’s Franchise doing business with microwaved breakfast sandwiches and bad coffee. An empty paper napkin dispenser sits beside an empty sugar and creamer.
Oh the benefits of being a paying patron of the arts, you think to yourself as a gorgeous Fae creature tucks a linen napkin suggestively across your front and you order your breakfast of a Belgian Waffle, two eggs over easy, sausage patties, hash browns and toast. Pitchers of hot coffee, several kinds of juices and all the normal condiments for breakfast are available on the table. As you begin to tuck in, Impish appears on the stage, looking non-the-worse for wear and says:
Good Morning Campers,
I hope you’ve enjoyed your morning so far, there’s much, much more to see and do. Please feel free to enjoy today’s issue and then mosey around the palace and see the sights, drive the cars, shoot the bad guys…with snowball guns, of course and just have a wonderful time.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.
The man said “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife”.
The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home”.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
“The gun was loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair.”
Thanks to Ginny for this video on Dogs that DON’T Fetch
Great workout Diaman, now let’s rest.
Okay, just a short little rant to throw the bullshit flag. The article was titled SHARPTON: BLACKS CAN’T ACT DECENTLY WITHOUT MORE GOVERNMENT PAYOUTS. it goes on to say that the asshat Sharpton went on Meet the Press and said that You can’t kill a jobs bill and infrastructure and then tell men to take care of their families. You can’t have it both ways. I can change the title of this article and make it a true statement by changing only one word: See if you can catch it. SHARPTON: BLACKS WON’T ACT DECENTLY WITHOUT MORE GOVERNMENT PAYOUTS.
This is pure bullshit. What you’re saying is that they won’t act with the basic level of human decency because we aren’t paying them enough? Really? REALLY! Like the author of the article said: But this sort of moral blackmail – the notion that black men cannot be expected to obey the dictates of fundamental morality without government support — has become commonplace among members of the left.
You want more of my money to act like a decent human being? Like paying a terrorist to not behead my brother or my son? What the hell is the difference between this attitude and terrorism?
Well, to each and every one of you who think that way, that you want to extort my money so you don’t burn down my house or my place of business, all I can say is: give it your best shot asshat.
Remember this one thing about dragons:
A golf joke from my dad. Papa Dragon Most Senior:
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and! said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!
How about a few more of those GIFs that everyone liked last week?
Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark!
As a former High School Wrestler, I gotta say, that’s one hell of a move!
Oh and don’t worry…there’ll be more GIFs sprinkled throughout the issue.
Okay, I’m really sorry. That was absolutely awful!
Okay, for any of you, like me, who get intimidated over wrapping presents…this is bloody amazing!
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he’d grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, “Well, I’m a Southerner, so I’d like one last plate of fried chicken.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, “I can die content.”
Charlie Gibson said, “I’m living in New York , so I’d like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.” The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, “Now I can die happy.”
The leader turned and asked, “And now, Mr. U. S. Marine, what is your final wish? “Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine… “What?’ asked the leader, ‘Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he had taken from a dead terrorist, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine stood before Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?”
“What?” replied the Marine, “and have you three liberal assholes report that I was the aggressor…..?”
the people who voted for Obama.
They all hang together, half of them don’t work, and the ones that do, aren’t all that bright.
When you really have that mechanic’s gene, it shows itself really early.
This is so cool. Taking dancing holiday lights to the next level. Not only is this my favorite song to do lights to, this is….well….you’ll just have to see it to believe it!
Okay, so I really don’t have a clue WHAT the heck is going on in this one…