As you enter the Conference room you once again find Lethal conspicuously absent and his iLethals and CyberLethals filling in for him. The video screen is part way down and displaying this sign:
and a hastily added post script in Lethal handwriting:
Right after I hit the ‘Submit Exam’ button for the final time I’m going to need to blow off some serious steam. I’m talking Mount St Helen’s levels of steam here. You’d better have plenty of the 4 B’s (Beer, Booze, Babes and BBQ) standing by. You’ve got 4 maybe 6 hours to get ready.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carols.”
Bellame Brothers- Old Hippie Christmas
For all you aging hippies!
Diaman suggest that I might be addicted to coffee as she felt I hit all the following marks. You’ll find my rebuttal and/or confession at the end.
15 Signs You Love Coffee Just a Bit Too Much.
Funny Ways to Spot a Coffee Addict.
Some people don’t like coffee but if you’re anything like me, you need a good cup of joe to start your day, and a second one to help you finish it. Some people are even more dependent on coffee, and for them it’s an obsession and even a way of life. With these signs you’ll be able to tell if you, or your friends, really are crazy about coffee…
1) The first thing that comes to your mind in the morning is how to get your coffee.
2) And when you yawn, everyone knows what to do.
3) Everyone can tell if you had your morning’s cup of coffee yet.
4) And everyone knows how to handle you when you drink it.
5) You define Your love life with coffee.
6) But you should never be asked to hold your word about it.
7) You display your mug collection like a work of art.
8) You think it gives you super powers.
9) When it really just gives you Illusions.
10) And still you can’t work without it.
11) You are willing to try coffee in new bizarre ways.
12) And if it was possible you would even take an energizing coffee bath.
13) But it’s still something you don’t take lightly.
14) This Your Monday shirt.
15) And this is your philosophy for life.
OK, for the record and in order presented:
1.) No. Generally its 3rd or 4th on the list. Priorities usually run glasses, head call, pants, coffee.
2.) Yes but only until about 2-3 PM. I have to stop usually after that or be up all night.
3 – 6). Guilty. Molly knows I can to the brain thing before I have coffee in hand and don’t do it well until after at least ingesting 1/2 a cup.
I have the plaque about Loving Molly more than coffee but begging not to prove it. She bought it for me.
7.) NEVER! My mugs (there are 4, two house and two travel) are MINE. Display them and some idiot will think its ok to use them!
8.) In so much as God invented whiskey and gave the recipe to the Irish along with a thirst for it to prevent us from taking over the world…YES, it combats the whiskey effects.
9.) Nope. In as much as I’m a Marine I already harbor unrealistic expectations but make them a reality on a consistent basis. Coffee is just ‘achievement lubricant’.
10.) Too bloody right, subject to #2 above.
11-12.) Generally not. I view it as coffee abuse and a waste of coffee respectively. There are a few exceptions, some cold coffee drinks, coffee ice cream (and gelato !), coffee crème filled dark chocolate truffles, Coffee cookies. For a while I used to be able to get something like a Dove Bar with Coffee Ice Cream flecked with Espresso bean bits and covered in dark chocolate. They were about $3 each but practically orgasmic. While I have been know to occasionally use caffeinated soap, the caffeine in it has been artificially created and not derived from coffee.
13.) Too bloody right!
14.) Nope, that’s every day not just Monday, though arguably Monday might be a double mug straight away situation.
15.) Sort of, its Whiskey, Beer or Ale however not wine.
Idina Menzel & Michael Bublé – Baby It’s Cold Outside
I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers, since they have no church.
When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about………
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my head and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”
I told him I was not paralyzed.
He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing:
“By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen!
KNEW I should have never gone to Ferguson! Speaking of which….
THAT is the REAL message out of Ferguson. Ferguson’s Black Community thinks not only are they above being held accountable for their crimes but that they have a right to physically threaten police officers and expect them to back down. Unfortunately the point of view is not limited to just Ferguson but endemic to all black communities.
Now here is my message. Would that I could take credit for it, but it was actually a letter sent to the Editor of my hometown newspaper which I couldn’t have said better myself.
The president and our attorney general owe the American people an apology for their intrusion into the crisis in Ferguson.
While saying that violence could not be condoned; they both subtlety suggested that they “understood the feeling” given the conditions in Ferguson in spite of the Grand Jury investigation.
They are both lawyers, members of the bar, and officers of the court in spite of their political positions, knowing full well that nothing in our criminal law system trumps a Grand Jury in spite of the strong feelings of the crowd. To undermine the spirit of a Grand Jury goes against the very foundation of our criminal justice system and should never be done and shows a complete lack of gravitas.
Oh, believe it or not, the author is a Democrat.
O Come, Emmanuel – Christmas Version – ThePianoGuys
Told you I’d have another present for you big guy!
There ya go Impish there is another one for ya pal!
A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, “Cry Sunday”, one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:
“I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month.
He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”
The congregation gasped in horror.
The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
“Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident.
He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food.
He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it.
He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need.
Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations.
He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.
I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.”
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, “there but for the grace of God go I.”
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation,
worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking,
then leaned over and said to the congregation:
“My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.
That word is: STERNUM!”
This week we’re talking one of the key players in any party’s successful spread of noshes, namely dips. Here are three that are sure to stand out amid the store bought Ranch and French Onion dips.
New Orleans Barbecue Shrimp Dip
Make this ahead then just slip it in your oven or your hosts oven to finish before serving.
Total Time: 5 hr
Prep: 15 min
Inactive: 4 hr 30 min
Cook: 15 min
Yield: 8 to 10 servings
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter
1/4 cup chili sauce
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
5 cloves garlic, smashed
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon cayenne
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon hot sauce
1 1/4 pounds peeled and deveined large shrimp, tails removed
4 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1/2 cup sour cream
3 scallions, white and green parts separated and thinly sliced
1/2 cup loosely packed fresh parsley leaves, chopped
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Crackers and crunchy rustic bread for serving
Special equipment: 5-cup broiler-safe casserole dish
Special equipment: 5-cup broiler-safe casserole dish
Melt 4 tablespoons of the butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Whisk in the chili sauce, lemon juice, garlic, Worcestershire, cayenne, oregano, paprika and hot sauce. Bring to a low simmer and cook, stirring frequently, until slightly reduced, about 5 minutes. Add the shrimp and cook until they are pink and just cooked through, flipping once, 4 to 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and let cool.
When cool, place the shrimp mixture in a food processor and pulse until roughly chopped. (The shrimp mixture can be made up to a day in advance and refrigerated.)
Combine the cream cheese and sour cream in a large bowl and stir vigorously with a rubber spatula until smooth. Add the shrimp mixture, scallion whites, parsley, 1 1/4 teaspoons salt and a few grinds of pepper and stir to combine. Place in a 5-cup broiler-safe casserole dish and spread evenly.
Melt the remaining 4 tablespoons of butter and pour over the top of the shrimp dip, making sure to cover the entire surface with a thin layer of butter. Sprinkle with the scallion greens. Chill for at least 4 hours and up to overnight.
Just before serving, position an oven rack in the top third of the oven and preheat the broiler. Broil the dip until the butter layer just begins to melt. Serve with the crackers and crunchy bread.
Layered Crab Rangoon Dip
Total Time: 20 min
Prep: 20 min
Yield: 10 to 12
Two 8-ounce packages cream cheese, at room temperature
1/3 cup milk
1 pound fresh lump or jumbo lump crabmeat
One 8-ounce can whole water chestnuts, drained and chopped
3 tablespoons hot Chinese mustard
1 red onion, finely chopped
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon low-sodium soy sauce
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup sweet-and-sour sauce
1 small romaine heart, thinly shredded
1 bunch scallions, thinly sliced
1 cup loosely-packed fresh cilantro leaves, chopped
Fried wonton skins, shrimp chips or rice crackers, for serving
Beat together the cream cheese and milk in a large bowl with an electric mixer until smooth, about 2 minutes.
Combine the crabmeat, water chestnuts, mustard, onion, Worcestershire, soy sauce, lemon juice, 1/2 teaspoon salt and a few grinds of pepper in a medium bowl and toss gently to combine.
Spread out the cream cheese mixture in an even layer in a 9- by 13-inch baking dish. Spread the sweet-and-sour sauce on top, leaving about a 1-inch border of cream cheese all around. Spoon the crab mixture on top of the sweet-and-sour sauce. The dip can be prepared up to this point and refrigerated, covered, overnight.
Just before serving, scatter the lettuce, scallions and cilantro over the crab, leaving a 1-inch border all around. Serve with wonton skins, shrimp chips or rice crackers.
Pita chips and unflavored tortilla chips also work well and Molly likes this with Triscuits. Though I have not tried it yet I see no reason why it would not be good on bruschetta as well.
Buffalo Chicken Dip
This has all the great flavors of Buffalo chicken wings without all the fat of the chicken skin and oil. Want to make it lighter? Feel free to use light cream cheese.
Total Time: 35 min
Prep: 10 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
8 ounces cream cheese
1/2 cup finely chopped celery
1/2 cup hot sauce (recommended: Frank’s)
1 rotisserie chicken, shredded
1 cup crumbled blue cheese
Crackers, bread or carrot sticks, for serving
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.
In a medium saucepan over moderate heat, melt the cream cheese until smooth, about 3 minutes. Add the celery, hot sauce and chicken and mix well. Transfer the mixture to a 9-inch pie plate and sprinkle the crumbled blue cheese on top. Bake until hot and bubbly, about 25 minutes. Serve with crackers, pita chips or carrot sticks.
The reason I recommend using Frank’s Hot Sauce for this are several;
a.) that’s what was originally used to make the first buffalo wings.
b.) It is make with Cayenne peppers not Tabasco peppers so the heat is milder, more even and not so up front which means more people with enjoy this.
c.) Many sauces use a lot of vinegar. The acid in the vinegar pulls the capsaicin oil out of the hot peppers. Franks uses a limited amount. In cooking and certain other situations such as BBQ sauce the vinegar might be a welcome component or be cooked out. However when using a 1/2 a cup of hot sauce in a dip its going to stand right out and overpower
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Balls
Total Time: 1 hr 15 min
Prep: 10 min
Inactive: 1 hr
Cook: 5 min
Yield: 3 to 4 dozen balls
Cookie Dough Balls:
2/3 cup (1 1/3 sticks) butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup dark brown sugar, packed
1/4 cup applesauce
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon fine salt
1 cup mini semisweet chocolate chips
12 ounces dark chocolate wafers or semisweet chocolate chips
6 blocks chocolate-almond bark, such as CandyQuik
For the cookie dough balls: In an electric mixer, beat the butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, applesauce and vanilla together until smooth. Sift the flour, baking soda and salt together, and with the mixer running, slowly add to the butter mixture. Mix in the chocolate chips. Scoop out the batter using a mini ice cream scoop and roll it into balls. Place the dough balls about an inch apart on a baking sheet lined with wax paper and transfer them to the freezer for 30 minutes to let the dough set up.
For the dipping chocolate: While the dough is chilling, melt the chocolate wafers and chocolate-almond bark together in a heavy-bottomed saucepan over low heat, stirring constantly. Remove the chilled dough balls from the freezer. Using two spoons, dip the balls one at a time in the melted chocolate, rolling them to coat fully. Returned the dough balls to the wax paper-lined baking sheet and refrigerate until set, about 30 minutes. Store in the fridge for up to 2 weeks.
The Top 5 Things Overheard During Black Friday Sales
5.) “Let go of that waffle iron, bitch! Oh!, sorry, Mom.”
4.) “Screw it; I’m sending in my drone to nab an Xbox One.”
3.) “Man, this is nothing compared to the deals I got when I was hitting the stores in Ferguson last week —- those were a total STEAL!”
2.) “Free concealer with every black eye!”
And the Number One Thing Overheard During Black Friday Sales…
1.) “It’s too dangerous here at the mall. I’m deploying back to Afghanistan.”
Copyright © 1994–2013 Chris White
Angels We Have Heard On High – Pentatonix
The music from Today’s issue can be downloaded as MP3s here.
The songs are in a compressed file. You’ll need to be able to download it and decompress it your self using a program such as WinRar or 7Zip to access the MP3s.
DO NOT ASK FOR TECHNICAL SUPPORT HELP FROM US!
Those who do will get a decidedly naughty reply full of attitude from Marine Gunnery Sargent Grinch!
In addition I will remove the music downloads the next issue.
You’re Shit Outta Luck, Virginia
by Chris White
“Is there really a Santa Claus?”
It’s the holiday season question posed by every child at some point. Once a kid has gotten old enough to develop a healthy sense of skepticism, the whole Santa Claus story seems a tad suspicious. Even more fishy: No reputable journalist had EVER attempted a thorough investigation of this red-suited charlatan. Until I did, that is. I recently decided the time had come to poke around the North Pole and see if this Santa scenario held water. Or egg nog, in this case.
I started by carefully considering what we think we know about this mysterious gift-bringer, apart from his expert-level breaking and entering skills. According to Wikipedia, he is “a fantasy figure with legendary, mythical, historical and folkloric origins.” Then again, that describes other figures whose existence is equally questionable, such as the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, unicorns and honest members of Congress.
We know that this Santa Claus character operates under various pseudonyms: Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas and Kris Kringle. In many parts of the world, he is said to bring gifts to good children between midnight Christmas Eve and dawn on Christmas morning. I suppose it’s merely coincidence that the Dutch mythological figure Sinterklaas also leaves presents for children — though Sinterklaas leaves candy or Mandarin oranges in the shoes of the kids. Try leaving an orange as the sole gift for an American kid and you’ll wind up the subject of a lawsuit faster than you can say “breach of promise.” I have a theory that little Charlie Manson never got over finding an orange under the tree on Christmas morning instead of the G.I. Joe he’d asked for, and the rest is history.
British folklore character Father Christmas is another Santa clone, though Father Christmas wears green, rides a goat and brings alcohol, and to be honest, that describes half the participants in a St. Patrick’s Day parade. Italy actually has a witch, La Befana, who comes down the chimney and brings gifts. Talk about potential for scarring little psyches: the person responsible for judging young Luigi’s behavior and dropping off his loot has a sour, twisted, evil face and cackles like a maniac. I’ll lay even money no one has ever seen La Befana and Ann Coulter in the same room.
Here in the states, Santa Claus is generally depicted as a joyous, rotund man with a flowing white beard, a red velvet outfit with white trim and a black leather belt and matching boots. He loves all children and carries around a large sack filled with toys for them. Remove the beard and add a little clown makeup and you’ve just described John Wayne Gacy.
So this questionable Santa character supposedly spends most of the year making a list of children, categorized by behavior. The “nice” kids are given toys and candy and the “naughty” ones get coal (presumably “clean” coal, so as to neatly sidestep any EPA regulations). His many accomplices in this endeavor include toy-making elves and flying reindeer — which also happen to be (along with the incessantly babbling ghost of Jim Morrison) the most common hallucinations experienced during LSD trips.
We’re expected to believe that Santa’s North Pole workshop employs tiny pointy-eared humanoids, who happily work 24/7 so that rich little 6-year-old Tyler Worthmore III of Greenwich, CT, can find a working mini-Ferrari with a 5-horsepower motor parked under his tree come Christmas morning. And that Santa’s delivery system of choice is not FedEx, but a team of hooved marauders who somehow manage to land on the roofs of hundreds of millions of houses without dislodging a single DirectTV satellite dish. With nary a criminal trespassing charge filed, to boot. Does that sound plausible to you?
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.
Let’s take a closer look at that Elven sweatshop run by Mr. Claus. The working conditions there are bound to be deplorable, but strangely, not a single complaint has ever been filed with OSHA. Management positions are non-existent, too. Sure, there’s a Head Elf, but that’s less a job title than a description of the manner in which the poor little schmuck is expected to service the jolly fat man.
Every December, kids take out pen and paper and write letters to Santa, detailing the gifts they’d like to receive. At least most kids do. My mom had me rip pictures out of the Sears catalog and send them to Santa. I’m convinced Santa stopped bringing me presents because he thinks I’m an illiterate, lazy turd with horrendous taste in department stores.
On Christmas Eve, children traditionally leave Santa a glass of milk and a plate of cookies. In Britain and Australia, he is often given sherry or beer and mince pies, while in Sweden and Norway, children leave rice porridge. In Ireland, it’s Guinness or milk, along with Christmas pudding. Jesus, no wonder the guy is overweight. He outsources all the manual labor to his North Pole leprechauns 364 days a year, then on the one day he actually gets off his fat ass and does some work, he replaces every calorie he spends by stuffing his face with 1000 more.
You’d think Christian leaders would denounce Santa Fraud, but oddly, most of them simply look the other way as he steals Jesus’s birthday. Not all, though: The Calvinists hated the very thought of Santa Claus. Then again, it’s hard to take seriously the rants of people who base their entire faith on a cartoon child with a stuffed tiger.
At one point, my investigation was getting nowhere and I realized it would be necessary to find this Mr. Claus and talk to him in person, face to face. Since his North Pole compound is mysteriously hidden, I chose to intercept him at one of his many hideouts: department stores and malls. That’s right, like many mob bosses, Santa hides in plain sight, idly passing the time talking to children who wait hours to sit in his lap and either gush about the presents they want or scream bloody murder until an embarrassed parent snatches them away and stammers an apology. I recall one such episode from my own childhood, when I, seated in the lap of a particularly obese Santa, whispered into his ear: “My daddy says you’re not REALLY Santa.” He smiled his benevolent smile and said, “Ho, ho, ho! I hear he’s not REALLY your daddy!”
So I decided I’d approach this jerk at Christmas Ground Zero: Macy’s in New York City. Every year, he arrives at the store by sleigh on the last float of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and proceeds to take over an entire floor of the store. Day after day, I waited patiently in line, only to be unceremoniously evicted from the premises every time by security guards long before I could get a single answer out of that fat asswipe.
In fact, the thousands of calls I’ve made to department stores and malls in an attempt to arrange an interview with Santa have resulted only in a stack of cease-and-desist letters from lawyers with surnames ending in -berg and -stein. Why would Jewish people feel the need to protect someone who ignores their children every December 25th? My theory: Santa Claus is an evil man who strikes fear in the hearts of everyone who crosses his path.
So to answer your question, Virginia… Yes, there is indeed a Santa Claus. But he’s one shady, shady character. You’d be better off placing your hopes for holiday joy on some other rotund, kind-hearted person who has a reputation for bestowing gifts on people. Like Oprah Winfrey.