Good Morning Campers
Today we have a very special opportunity to present to you. Since you’ve all been such wonderful guests and subscribers to our little production, we’d thought we’d give you a little special tour of the inner workings of some of the behind-the-scenes portions of our establishment. Let’s walk this way…
Impish leads you off the campgrounds and moves towards the buildings that lie on the outskirts of the major complex inside the mountain that is Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs Electronic Media. As you approach the first building, he begins speaking again. His voice magically enhanced so that even those of you in the back can hear clearly.
Today, we’re going to look at the process that a new applicant to DL&LL has to go through to join our little organization. This is the human entrance, where many of you would come if you were looking for a job. The magical and mythical entrance is…well…somewhere else. Somewhere that, if you were of a magical bent, you’d be able to locate easily.
It all starts with an application process on line. This requires an in-depth background check to include criminal, financial, personal, emotional and other more…um…let’s say “specialized” checks. We have one of the best investigative organizations in the world, using both mundane and magical methods we can find out just about anything about anybody. You want to know who else was on that grassy knoll? I could tell you, but we’ve made promises to certain government organizations not to reveal information that we’ve learned that could jeopardize the safety and security of our wonderful country.
Once someone passes the first set of checks they are invited to visit us here, at our first stop:
Okay, I hear you. You’re saying, “But Impish, what if I don’t want to apply for a member of your virgin harem?” Well, we used to have two intake centers. One for regular employees and one for the Virgin Harem. Over the years we’ve found out that since the overwhelming majority of applicants were for the inner workings of the organization, i.e. the Virgin Harem as they are called and such a small minority were applying for the much more mundane positions around the complex that don’t come in contact with the two primaries of the organization, myself and Lethal, that we could save a lot of money by combining the two. This way there is no misunderstanding that in order to work in the inner circle as it were, you have to pass and have certain criteria.
Okay, I can see by the looks on your faces that you don’t get what I am so delicately trying to describe to you. So, let me put it to you this way. In order to work directly with either myself or Mr. Leprechaun you have to go through the Virgin Harem intake process. Now, this does not mean that you must be technically a “virgin intact” sexual person. What it means is that you must have those appearances of the virgin. You must be unblemished, free from any outward lien on your emotional or physical person. You must be incorruptible by outside influences and have all loyalties without reservation be given onto us.
Now, you might think that some awfully stringent requirements, but in return for that, there is a compensation package that far surpasses the norm. Our employees are very well taken care of. The perks to these jobs are so overwhelming that we do not lack for applicants. On most days the line outside this building would be quite long, and remember, those are the ones that have already passed the first set of hurdles. There aren’t any lines today because it’s Saturday and we don’t work most of our employees on the weekend. The weekend is for partying, playing and enjoying yourself. And trust me when I tell you that we make that very easy to do here.
The few employees that do work the weekends, other than the service employees (we all still have to eat after all) are usually those individuals that work most closely with myself and Lethal. And those few are well taken care of.
Just to give you an idea, Bill Gates applied to work in our IT department. Because the compensation package was better than anything he could manage on his own. How’s that? Well, keep in mind, we do have access to magic, after all. What happened to Bill? He couldn’t pass the initial checks. We brought him in for a personal interview as a professional courtesy. I believe him and Lethal came to an “understanding”. That’s why you’ll occasionally see him on the grounds or enjoying the facilities. He even gets invited to the occasional poker game when one of the regulars can’t make it and we have an open chair. And of course he’s always invited to the invitational tournaments for charity.
Anyway, onward we go. As we walk to the next stop on our little tour, why don’t we enjoy some of today’s issue?
This guy is very good. Unless you speak the language (Japanese?) just ignore the commentary and the subtitles. Watch the video and enjoy!
Impish Dragon was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The dragon replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Impish replied, “That would be Mrs. Dragon.”
And here is another old pic of me. One of the earliest on record actually. I was just a young thing back then and hadn’t even learned how to change into my human form. Ah, the good old days.
The Tour Continues…
You come to a split in the hallway. You can go down the left hand corridor which is all sterile and industrial. Like a corporate bank building with carpet and tasteful art on the wall, but otherwise quite plain. Or the right hand pathway which is soft and plush. Deep pile carpeting is on the floor and subdued lighting brightens the hallway. Every so many feet down the hallway are plush furniture and little sitting areas. There are open doorways off the corridor which lead who knows where, but you can hear soft music and giggling coming from some of them. Impish remarks:
At this point the two career paths split. To the left are those more mundane jobs such as IT, financial, advertising, and such and to the right is the more esoteric type jobs such as entertainment, security, and research. So, anyone interested in the left hand corridor raise your hand…uh huh, not many, but those of you interested in continuing in that direction and anyone under the age of 18 … yes, I see you hiding back there and no you are not going to be able to go down this way with the rest of us. I don’t care if you have your parents permission or even if your parents are here with you. I WILL NOT be responsible for the corruption of anyone under the age of 18. If you’re older than 18 than my ability to corrupt you in on your head, not mine.
You will notice a stack of forms, as well as an iris scanner, fingerprint machine and a lab tech. Those of you who wish to proceed down either corridor will sign a binding non-disclosure agreement and trust me when I tell you that Lethal’s Legal Staff produced that document and it doesn’t get any more binding. You will also have your identity verified by iris scan and fingerprint and you will be tested for any communicable diseases. We can’t let you play with any of the toys if you have sort of disease. If you don’t wish to continue under those guidelines then the exit is behind us and you can finish reading the rest of the issue back at the campgrounds. No hard feelings either way.
And while the rest of us are getting the legal portions of this over with, let’s continue on with the issue. Oh, I’m sorry, a question? Yes? Who’s going to be leading the left hand tour? Well, If you look at today’s Fantasy Pic, you’ll be able to see a close up of her…one of our smaller, more magical members of the entertainment staff. She is an excellent tour guide and will take good care of you. Oh, and she wishes me to warn you that none of you youngsters are to get any ideas about getting out of line with her, the last time she was with a tour group, a snotty 15 year old boy got tried to slip off and get into trouble. She turned him into a mouse in order to keep him out of trouble, but before she could give him to a member of security to carry back outside, one of the many ninja cats on the premises ate him and it cost her almost a weeks salary to compensate the family for this kids lifetime of achievements that he could possibly have given to them. She also had to answer to the head of security for not taking care of her charges while on tour. I don’t believe she will be turning anyone into a mouse if they act up, but she does have our permission to take any means necessary to insure the safety and security of the rest of her people and to maintain good order. In other words, the offender will probably find him or herself in a very uncomfortable position until he can be returned to his parents upon the conclusion of the tour and or the weekend.
A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.
The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the politician spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
Yup, that was one of our newspapers running the stories. LOL. I thought the headlines were kind of catchy, but the Bishop didn’t have a funny bone in his body. Oh well.
This is Belinda, she will be leading the group on the left hand corridor and I’ll be leading the right. Shall we go?
As the two groups separate, there is more than one longing glance from some of the teenagers in the left hand group. The one thing about youth that all the rest of you know all too well, is that it does not last. It does not last long at all. And you get a bit of a chuckle out of the knowledge that they will learn the same truth soon enough.
You travel a short ways down the corridor and get a chance to look into some of the interview rooms. most of them have throw pillows and comfortable divans set up for very intimate interviews. At the end of the hallway you go through a door and into a full size gymnasium. There is every type of work out machine and device available as well as some that look more like they have medieval torture devices in their parentage somewhere. There is a full sized basketball court, racquetball courts, a pool and many other exercise areas. You are amazed that none of the devices seem to be in use.
This is the intake gym, also known as the small gym. It is used to measure new prospects physical abilities. Through the week this is a very busy place with many applicants going through the paces and being tested. The staff is allowed to use this gym during off hours, but all of them prefer to use the regular facilities in the entertainment cavern. That way they can be amongst their friends and co-workers without fear of outside eyes. Most of our members enjoy our relaxed dress codes and prefer to work out in either skimpy outfits or naked and they don’t like to parade their attributes around where outsiders might see.
You may have noticed that we have been going deeper underground as we go, but this area is still considered a “public area.” Those of you who are among our paying subscribers have been given access to our entertainment cavern and know what I’m talking about. And some of you, I might add, have even enjoyed the security and relaxed setting to dress…or undress…as you like with the knowledge that our security is the best in the world.
You might even get to meet some of our more famous or infamous guests, some of which have permanent residences in our deep caverns. I will caution you to keep in mind that all of you paying members have signed paperwork to the fact that you cannot hold us responsible for anything that happens to you here. If you piss off a minor deity and he turns you to dust, well you shouldn’t have bothered him at the pool. But, I will say that each of our guests know that when they are outside their own private areas that they too can be kicked out for causing trouble, so most of them will at least give you a warning growl before attacking you. Please take heed, but if you are invited to attend a “special” as they are known as, feel free to enjoy their hospitality knowing that you are protected under the accords of “guest” status.
Anyway, shall we continue?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know, he one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?‘
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Do I know her?’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!‘
The Tour Continues…
You exit out of the back of the gym and head enter right into another large room. This one is dark, with the exception of a small spotlight right over the entrance. As you step into the opening lights come on a short distance away where an amazing assortment of weapons are displayed in cases, on tables and in racks. Everything from an early stone axe to a modern sniper rifle are laid out. Swords, spears, shields, bows, slings, pistols, rifles…every make and model.
This, as you can well imagine, is our small arms training area. Here, let me get the rest of the lights. Normally, we only light up the section that an individual is working with at the time, thereby not allowing him an opportunity to see what his next obstacle might be, but I’ll light up the entire facility for you. Hang on.
Suddenly, overhead lights click on and as the glow brightens you can see that this room is much larger than you first imagined. It stretches back, with rough hewn walls of the cavern, as far as your eye can see. As you look around you see many different set ups. There is a bar scene, a jousting arena, a street corner, targets ranges, school rooms, more scenarios than you can even imagine.
This is our testing area. A larger version is available for our security people to train on. It is in a cavern off the entertainment cavern and that is where you, as a paying subscriber, can ask to be trained on some of the weaponry available by members of our security staff. Yes, a question in the back?
“This is the small arms area? Does that mean that there is a large arms area somewhere?”
Good question. Yes. There is an area that our security people can train and practice with tanks, laser weaponry, rocket launchers and the like. We take our security here very seriously and have some weaponry that many different and diverse countries would like to get their hands on. Even our own. We attract an elite fighting force who get to play with “toys” here that they would never even get a chance to see, let alone play with, somewhere else.
Some of you may even know of our … shall we say, Island Annexation Plan … that is a distinct possibility if our own country doesn’t straighten it’s ass out. But hey! No talk of politics today! Today is a fun day, so let’s go have some fun.
A door opens to the side and two dozen or so men and women walk in the room and stand at ease. They all are dressed in different forms of custom, but they all have on a black sash that says SECURITY in bold red letters.
These fine people are here for your entertainment. Any of you who would like to try out any of the weapons that are unlocked, which would be this cabinet here.
Impish points to a cabinet full of different pistols and long guns. As he says so, each security member takes a weapons and heads to a different part of the room where they set up in front of a range. A little neon arrow lights up over top of each of them indicating that they are ready for students.
There are about 20 stations set up around the room. If you’d like to try out any of the weapons our specialists will assist you and help you to have an enjoyable experience. No pushing, everyone will get a chance to play.
One of the remaining security specialists leans over and whispers something into Impish’s ear. You can’t help but notice the beautiful cleavage she shows as she leans into the dragon. You also take note that her sash has an additional star embroidered above the word security and you wonder what it might mean. Impish turns and whispers back to the woman and she points out one of the visitors who seems to be hanging back and watching everything. He occasionally seems to be whispering into the cuff of his jacket, but seems to be oblivious to the attention that the two are now sending his way. Impish nods his head and continues with the tour.
Hey now, no pushing or shoving, let’s be careful out there. Those are live weapons and everyone will get a chance. We have all weekend. Plenty of time.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
I hope this was written in jest. These days one can never tell. My problem? How can one pick only 4?
Medicare – Part G – Nursing Home Plan
Say you’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.
This means, of course, that you’ll be sent to prison where you’ll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They’re all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a home. And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you’re at it.
And now, because you’re a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes. Is this a great country or what?
The Tour Continues…
The woman with the odd sash brings the man she pointed out back over to Impish Dragon and you hear the following conversation.
Mr. Patroni, you know you aren’t allowed in here.
Yes Mr. Dragon, that is true, but since you’ve given us all “guest” status under the accords there is nothing you can do about it.
Well, that isn’t exactly true now, Mr. Patroni, now is it? You, yourself violated the accords by bringing recording equipment in here. Didn’t you?
What? That’s absurd. I would never…
Come now, sir. You must have known we would let you in here, knowing what you were going to do simply to get you inside so we could … ah … handle the situation.
You can’t do anything to me. Not with all these witnesses and you have no proof. You can’t violate my guest status by searching me! I have you over a barrel with your own morality!
Quite so sir. But I did, as a proper host, want to let you know that there is a scanner you will be forced to walk through to exit the premises, as will everyone else, just to make sure our secrets are kept. It is a very special monitor and you signed the agreement before you were allowed on the premises, just like everyone else.
And if I have, shall we say hypothetically, any recording devices on me, that I’ve been assured are undetectable, than again, hypothetically, there isn’t anything you can do about it.
Ah, you are quite correct in your hypothetical assessment. But, knowing the sophistication of my devices compared to the possible sophistication of your devices, I feel quite certain that I have nothing to fear. But you, now dear Mr. Patroni, you have to decide if it’s worth it to you. I do feel obligated to tell you, as a proper host, that any devices found by my scanner will be instantly destroyed in such a way that it tends to, shall we say, severely damage the carrier of such devices. Your death, all though not my responsibility at all, due to the paperwork you signed, will be disheartening to the rest of my guests, so I will, as a gentleman, allow you to make your own decisions about carrying any of your belongings through the scanner or perhaps depositing them in the amnesty box just prior. We are headed there next in preparation for our lunch, which I understand the chef has gone to great lengths to make enjoyable for us. It would be a shame to have so many of these lovely guests have their appetite’s ruined over your splatter. But certainly sir. The decision is yours.
Perhaps I am. Shall we go and find out.
Impish turns away and returns to his guests, while the woman takes Mr. Patroni by the arm and begins leading him through the cavern towards the exit where Impish is gathering the rest of the guests.
Did everyone have a good time?
A rousing cheer echoes in the large cavern.
Good, good. I’m sure all of you have worked up quite an appetite, so how about we go have some lunch? Chef has built up some exquisite samples for us to luncheon on. It will be buffet style so please feel free to try as much of as many different dishes as you like. I’m quite sure there will be plenty for everyone to find something to delight their palate.
As we exit, we will be going through this scanner which will monitor each of you for electronic devices. As you know, you were all asked to surrender all your devices before entering because we can’t allow any recordings of the goings on here to escape to the outside world. This device will render your electronics useless in a most stimulating fashion. I caution each of you to not stand too close to your neighbors as you go through so as not to get any body parts or blood splattered on you by someone who can’t follow the rules.
As a generous host, there is an amnesty box located just to the right there that you can relieve yourself of anything that your shouldn’t have brought in in the first place. Please feel free to dispose of them in there and before any of you can ask, no, you won’t be getting them back.
Those of you who are amongst the paid membership, please feel free to go around the scanner and have your cell phones and such checked by a member of our security department for any pictures that may have something on them that we can’t allow you to have. Any of the other pictures you will be allowed to keep.
Oh, and Elzabeth? Keep Mr. Patroni for last through the scanner. I don’t want him to spoil anyone else’s lunch.
The line starts moving through the scanner and there are the occasional thunks as someone deposits something in the amnesty box.
Everyone moves into the very large and very plush dining room where a spread of food is laid out the likes of which you have never seen before. As the last of your group enters and begins to mill around you notice the group that went on the other tour are already there.
Suddenly you hear a low order percussion rattle the room. As the china plates’ rattle begins to fade, a voice comes over the PA system…
Janitorial for clean up at the scanner, please. Janitorial to the scanner, please. Thank you.
Elsabeth walks in the room a moment later and nods to Impish who returns a shrug.
I’m not sure it’s possible to run out of stupid things to do. I’m a couple of hundred years old and I seem to do alright.
You could almost replace WD 40 with KY Jelly and have it work just as well.
Impish Dragon wonders around the dining room, answering questions and shaking hands. The food is fantastic, better than anything you’ve ever had before. Diaman comes up to Impish, puts her arm around his waist while he finishes his conversation with one of the guests and then pulls him off to the side to whisper in his ear.
He smiles a great big smile, hugs her to him, kisses her on top of the head and sends her off with a pat on her lovely posterior. He returns to mingling with the crowd, nibbling food off the buffet and occasionally nibbling off other people’s plates.
Shortly after that, Ginny comes in, pulls Impish away from his conversation, whispers in his ear and he turns bright red. Then laughs loudly, wraps his arms around Ginny, kisses her on the top of her head and sends her on her way with a pat on her posterior.
After watching this, you have to go over and ask him what that was all about. With a smile, Impish just shrugs and says, “Private joke.” He then turns to the rest of the guests and says:
Ladies and gentlemen, today’s tour has come to an end. I hope you enjoyed yourself. Please feel free to continue eating and enjoying each other’s company. As for myself, I’ve received a summons for a meeting that I can’t refuse, I’ll be leaving you now, but please, take your time and finish your meal. And until we meet again, I leave you with today’s Last Word. I promise it’s a short one.
He laughs and moves towards a door where you can see Diaman and Ginny waiting. He puts an arm around each and heads through the door which closes with a loud click. You notice a sign on the door that says FAMILY ONLY.
I have received this from several different sources and wish to include it here. As an ex restaurant manager, I can attest to the truth behind the sentiment. This is called the $20 hamburger:
$20 Hamburgers or minimum wage?
For those fast food employees striking for $15 an hour, let’s do some math.
At $15 an hour Johnny Fry-Boy would make $31,200 annually.
An E1 (Private) in the military makes $18,378. (According to the 2014 pay chart, an E1 makes $1531.50 a month or $9.57 an hour.)
An E5 (Sergeant) with 8 years of service only makes $35,067 annually. (According to the same pay chart, an E5 at 8 years, which means he’s at the end of his second enlistment, which also means that he’s volunteered at least TWICE to protect your ignorant ass, makes $2922.30 a month or $18.26 an hour. And that’s for a 40 hour week, which is a bunch of horseshit all on it’s own. More likely a 60 hour work week, which makes his pay $12.18 an hour. Oh no. There is no overtime in the military. You’re on duty 24/7!)
So you’re telling me, Sally McBurgerflipper, that you deserve as much as those kids getting shot at, deploying for months in hostile environments, and putting their collective asses on the line every day protecting your unskilled butt!? (I couldn’t have said it better myself…except to add…seriously?)
Here’s the deal, Baconator, you are working in a job designed for a kid in high school who is learning how to work and earning enough for gas, and hanging out with their equally goofy high school pals. If you have chosen this as your life long profession, you have failed. (Now, for my restaurant experience. As a restaurant manager, your bread and butter employees are the 16 and 17 year-olds that are looking to learn a little responsibility and to earn a couple of bucks. The whole industry is designed around this. And I’m not talking just your fast feeders either. Even in the high end restaurants, the grunt work is still done by the kids earning minimum wage. The ones who earn the most are the cooks and chefs who DESERVE the money. And a good waiter or waitress can make a bloody fortune in tips. And you want to talk about pay inequality…do you know that most wait staff still only makes $2.13 an hour? That’s tip wage and it hasn’t changed in over 15 years since I was in the business. I know, I asked my waitress the other day about it. And do you know why they make even that? So their employers have something to take away from them for taxes. Whether they make enough in tips or not. I could go on and on about THAT ponzy scheme!)
If you don’t want minimum wage don’t have minimum skills.
Again, the lazy, entitlement minded don’t want to earn a living, they want it handed to them! McDonalds is NOT intended to be a job to raise a family on! Hell, even the assistant managers are usually just kids that have a bit on the ball.
Now, I know, that there are some of you out there who, through no fault of your own, or maybe through fault that you are now trying to work your way out of, that you are stuck in a situation where you just can’t do any better. But you can.
I know for a fact, that when I had an employee who was hurting, there were things that I could do to make it better for them. But, there were the ones who always came in when I called them in their off time. The ones who always did a great job and gave a hundred percent when they were at work, the ones who always had a smile on their faces for the customers and would go out of their way to make the guest experience better. THAT’S how you get ahead in a job like that. I DID have some of those employees who I’d pay the equivalent of $15 an hour. Because when they were at work they were worth more than the two dumb asses working for minimum wage.
I’ll add an addendum to the last line of this essay… If you don’t want minimum wage don’t have minimum skills or give minimum effort!