Dragon Laffs #1401


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Good Morning Campers,

I need to start off this morning with an apology to Lethal Leprechaun and Paul Bader.  See had I known they wanted something specific on the off chance that anyone ever found a magic lamp with a genie in it, I would have made much better decisions when I was at the Jersey Shore last weekend.  See, I was flying up and down the coast, looking for Ginny; I didn’t realize that she had switched out her Santa Sleigh Ride for a fellow Jersey Boy’s El Dorado; Well, I got a little hungry and figured I’d drop in to Toms River and grab a Shianno’s Pizza.  The BEST pizza in the world.

Anyway, I landed on Seaside Beach to take a short break and grab a little saltwater taffy and as I was headed toward the boardwalk I spotted this lamp in the sand that you see above.  Well, I thought it looked cool, picked it up, buffed it against my flying scarf and sure enough had a genie pop out.

Well, as it happened, I was still really hungry, but I now didn’t have to go to Toms River to get a Shianno’s pizza, I could just wish for one.  So, I wished for a large meat special, one of my favorites, and it was SO good.  I realized that one large is never enough for me, so I wished for a dozen more. 

Then I got thirsty and well…the water in the ocean is salty, plus it’s not beer.  and you have to drink beer with pizza, it’s the law in New Jersey.

Seriously, had I known that Lethal and Paul had such a strong desire to be granted a wish, I would’ve just walked to the bar on the corner of the boardwalk.

So, I’m sorry about that guys.

Onward to my next bit of news.  I will be out of touch through the entire weekend.  Not like I’m doing anything fun, I’ll be in a windowless room with a bunch of other people working an exercise.  12-14 hour shifts, so therefore, this is being posted on Thursday to be presented on Saturday.  I hope nothing exciting happens over the next couple of days so I don’t end up missing out.

Finally, a great comedian, actress, commentator and a wonderful woman passed away today.  We’ll miss you Joan, and as a final tribute, instead of my usual “Let’s Laugh” we have…

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Let’s start with a golf joke for my dad and the rest of you golfers!golf2

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said, “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes.”

The Frenchman said, “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.”slap1

Then the Aussie said, That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y’know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.”

The astonished Italian and Frenchman asked, “Two full hours? Wow, that’s phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?”

The Aussie replied, “I wiped my greasy hands on the curtains!

 

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You know, we’ve talked a lot about ALS and MS lately in Dragon Laffs.  Well, our resident Jersey girl sent me this, her favorite MS video.  I have to tell you that I’m really astounded by this video.  It really opened my eyes.  Thanks for sharing Ginny.

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Perils of a Catholic Upbringing

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for Mass my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to “care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked”, I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person’s condition.         

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out,         

“Reach out….

reach out . . .

and touch this person!”

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So I did.

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I won’t be at Mass this week.

 

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Okay, for all you space nuts…which includes me…here’s a video from NASA which follows the jettison-able fuel tanks on the space shuttle from launch, up to space, back to the atmosphere and to touch down in the ocean.  Incredible footage.

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Those GoPro Cameras are really becoming popular and taking some fantastic videos.  Here’s one of a guy on a jet ski on Lake Powell in a canyon…I strongly suggest full screen for the best view of this one.

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This little pictorial is called “Why Mothers Yell!”

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Yeah, I guess I can understand the title a little better now.  LOL!

 

 

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning.

The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, “Hey, Mom, what’s this?”

“Oh, that’s an old typewriter,” she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

“Well, what does it do?” they queried.

“I’ll show you,” their mother said. She went downstairs and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

“WOW!” the boys exclaimed, “That’s really cool — but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?”

“There is no plug,” she answered. “It doesn’t need a plug.”

“Then where do you put the batteries?” they persisted.

“It doesn’t need batteries either,” she continued.

“Wow! This is so cool!” the brothers exclaimed. “Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”

 

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Admiral William H. McRaven graduated from the University of Texas at Austin over 30 years ago, and now he’s returned to share great advice with the class of 2014.  Listen to the 10 lessons he wants to share that he learned at Seal School…

Let’s review:

1) Start each day with a task completed.
2) Find someone to help you through life.
3) Respect everyone.
4) Life is not fair.
5) You will fail often.
6) Take some risks.
7) Step up when the times are toughest.
8) Face down the bullies.
9) Lift up the down-trodden.
10) Never give up.

Great lessons for life of all kinds.

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Here’s a great visual illusion that you have to see to believe.

 

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The fourth stooge!

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Just the fact that I want to comment, that I have all these great lines running through my head, and that it is my blog doesn’t mean that I’m going to lower myself by … ah hell, who am I kidding!  That’s just too funny of a sign. 

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What a great place to end today’s issue.  I can’t think of a better way.  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1401

  1. Ginny says:

    I’m glad you were looking for me in my new wheels. Perhaps, Lethal and Paul could work out a deal with my new driver from HELL. Don’t feel bad you deserved Schianno’s pizza from Toms River, you did come a very long way. Great issue again Impish and sorry you are doing those grueling operations in a windowless room. I’ll put an order into Schianno’s listen for the bell.

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