Leprechaun Laughs #256 for July 23rd 2014


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Telepresenct

<High speed electronic whirring is head mere moments before iLethal comes flying into the room. It skids to a halt, momentarily doing a pretty good impression of a Weeple- wobbling back and forth but not falling down, before neatly spinning around in an about face on its own axis.>

“Sod it all! This thing has no bloody hands! Quick! Before he can waddle down the hall! Someone close, lock and bar the door! If you want your issue anytime soon you’ll step to it quickly too before he works up a head of steam! Wait! Slide that blue box of tarts down the hall that will distract him and slow him down a minute until I can get to the podium’s controls!”

<iLethal pivots around and speeds off headed towards the podium. When it arrives it pauses a fraction of a second to line up on something before speeding at the podium full tilt. A click and snap are audible from the podium as well as a rumbling sound from just outside the now locked & barred door along with the scream of a frustrated Dragon abet through a mouthful of donuts box and all>

HA! Eat Portcullis You petulant pain in my electronic posterior dragon!

AHEM! Sorry about that entrance folks. I moved iLethal in here last night hoping to avoid at least Impish’s opening thrice a day whine & wheedle about telling him where I am or will be next. Seems he one upped me though and carried iLethal into his office in an attempt to hold it captive until I agreed to his joining me.

Fortunately his outweigh me by several tons and having to take care not to further injure his burnt tail worked against him and I was able to zip away before he quite realized I had remote connected to iLethal. Lucky for us  I opted for the electronic interface option and had the podium in here modified so iLethal can dock to it allowing me to use the Podiums controls remotely. The portcullis was originally installed and meant to keep him away from the Craft Table prior to you folks arriving, I never envisioned having to use it to keep Mr. Whiney Wheedle Pants out during an issue posting.”

<Rattling of the Portcullis is heard along with  a faint voice threatening impotently then whining to be admitted and promising to be quite- but only for the presentation of the issue before he continued his discussion with Lethal>

“Don’t worry! I’m going to allow your favorite Dragon in just as soon as I finish my opening remarks. You know in a way I feel bad because he is doing a halfway decent job of handling the day to day stuff while I’m gone. I’m sure he’ll appreciate todays issue very much since its rather bawdy and naughty. I figured we were going to reach this point soon anyway.

See its not so much the fact that Impish has to do actual work that is the problem, he did after all carry this e-zine for 6 years on his own before I came along. The problem is that I have become his chief procurer of virgins and well… lets just say when Impish peddles the come on bologna to ladies unless I’m supplying him the really good imported stuff he goes home frustrated. Sexually frustrated Dragons can’t sleep soundly, are cranky and exhibit bouts of paranoia. Think I’m kidding? Why you you think towns sacrificed so many of their pretty young maidens in the old days? You rather have a sleeping contented and happy dragon in your mountain or are restless cranky paranoid one?

<More rattling and whining are faintly heard from behind the door, though the noise does seem a bit diminished and less aggravated than previously.>

Weill I see those Peach Prozac tarts and the  Ambien Apple ones are taking effect. If those of you who so kindly barred the door before would very carefully and quietly unbar and unlock it I’ll wait until you are clear to raise the Portcullis so nobody gets trampled by a desperate to get its way Dragon run amuck.  Oh, and someone please move Diaman’s lounge up here on the stage where she’ll be safely out of the way? With her bad leg she doesn’t need to be trampled by Impish. Not only that, but when he finally returned to what passes for his senses he’d be very distraught that he’d caused her discomfort her being his number 1 groupie and all. Ok got it? Great. Here we go then everyone stand back for Impish’s arrival.”

<Two clicks are heard for the Podium. The rumbling of a winch laboring someplace under the floor can be heard in concert with the rattling of the Portcullis as it slowly rises. The sound of snickering and chuckling coming from iLethal causes a few to glance back to the Podium and see it swiftly descending into the floor.>

“What? I said I was letting him in I never said I was hanging around to give him another shot at kidnapping iLethal! I’ll catch up with you good folks further on down the road. Once Impish has calmed down and fallen asleep. I’ve arranged for him to be lightly sedated and left him a rather lengthy e-mail of come on lines to use on his next virgin & victuals tour that should make him livable for at least….

<A section of flooring sliding neatly into place where the Podium used to be cuts off Lethal’s final remarks just as  a rather perturbed Dragon with lips flecked in powdered sugar and jelly donut filling crashes through the now open, hanging off their hinges doors shouting>

“Once the issue is presented don’t you dare leave Lethal and none of that losing the satellite link  crap like yesterday either! It’s rude to run out on people who are refusing to take no for an answer, particularly electronically so they can’t catch you! I’m not though presenting my reasons why your being unfair about my join….

Where is he? Where did that little inconsiderate electronic leprechaun substitute get to?

Gone? Gone where? Gone how? ANOTHER secret escape tunnel that’s only Leprechaun sized? This is so unfair! Huh? Yawn! Yeah yeah go ahead start the issue.” <He flops down in his designated spot grumbling and carefully uses his tail to drag the craft table nearer to him>

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This was how I was served my coffee this morning, which is nothing compared to how I was served my lunch sushi yesterday. I made the mistake of emailing the lunch service photo (below) to Impish and that’s what made him so frantically insistent on joining me.

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Apparently Impish is under the firmly held impression that the table ware is supposed to be edible as well despite my best efforts to explain otherwise.

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I’m trying to decide which airline to invest in. Opinions?

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Oooo! I wonder if she demonstrates the ‘No Hands’ Oral Application Method’ Trick? Speaking of Condoms- the ads encouraging usage of them can be quite steamy and funny

Dick gone wild – Best condom ads

Anybody figured out yet how I’m going to calm Impish down and stop his insistence on joining my vacation because he’s suffering a dry spell with me gone? Yup I’m going to placate him with ribald and risky offerings to the point his sex drive shuts down…or to the end of the issue which ever comes first. If that doesn’t work I gave Diaman a whip to use.

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At least that’s what our self proclaimed #1 groupie told me.

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I honestly don’t know who’s worse nowadays, the Airlines or the TSA!

TSA Says Uncharged Gadgets Can’t Fly

By Jill Scharr July 7, 2014 7:00 AM – Source: Tom’s Guide US

Travelers flying into the United States from certain overseas airports will be required to turn on their cellphones and other electronic devices for the preflight scanning and inspection, the Transport Security Administration (TSA) announced yesterday (July 6).

People with a unpowered device will not be allowed to board their flights, the TSA said in an online posting, and those passengers “may also undergo additional screening.”

The increased security measure is a response to new intelligence about possible terrorist plots, a DHS official told CNN, adding that the affected airports are mostly located in the Middle East and Europe. The airports were not named.

The new regulation comes from a directive by Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson.

“DHS [Department of Homeland Security] continually assesses the global threat environment and reevaluates the measures we take to promote aviation security,” Johnson wrote in a statement on the DHS’s website last week.

Neither Johnson’s statement nor the TSA announcement yesterday specified what other kinds of electronic devices would be affected. TSA agents have occasionally asked flyers to power up their laptops, but the practice does not appear to be official policy.

Though this increased inspection is required in order to board your flight, U.S. citizens still do not need to divulge their device passcodes or encryption codes during border searches.

 

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Actually kid, I think that makes you a dickhead. Bet your parents are liberals! 

 

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Ooh! Almost lunch time on my current side of the world! Here comes my dining companion now!

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I find her so stimulating and she makes such great points!

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Microwave Corn on the Cob — No Shucking & Silk-Free!

 

Chocolate Brownie Waffles

I tend to follow Chef Alton Brown’s philosophy about allowing items into my kitchen, very few of my utensils or counter top appliances do only one dedicated thing.

Here is a way to make quick easy brownies in the summer getting double duty of that fall/winter only waffle maker and keeping your kitchen cooler at the same time.

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INGREDIENTS
  • 1 box brownie mix
  • 2/3 cup vegetable oil
  • 2 eggs
  • For variety, add raisins, walnuts, boozy berries, warm caramel, hot fudge or whipped cream.
PREPARATION

Preheat waffle maker to medium-low.

Prepare brownies according to mix directions, omitting any water or milk. Pour 1/2 cup of the mixture per square in the waffle maker. Bake for 10 minutes.

Once baked, open waffle maker and turn off the heat. Let brownies sit until slightly cool, about 3 minutes

Serve alone or with a scoop of ice cream.

Magic Dust Seasoning Mix

BestSteakSeasoning 210x300 RECIPE: The Best Homemade Steak Seasoning

Makes about 2 cups

Ingredients:

  • ½ cup Paprika
  • ¼ cup Kosher Salt
  • ¼ cup Sugar
  • ¼ cup Cumin
  • ¼ cup Granulated Garlic
  • ¼ cup Chili Powder
  • 2 tablespoons Mustard Powder
  • 2 tablespoons Ground Black Pepper
  • 2 tablespoons Cayenne Pepper

Instructions

  1. In a medium bowl, combine all the ingredients and gently whisk together. Using a funnel, spoon the mixture into 4oz mason jars. Cover and seal.
  2. Rub steaks with Olive Oil then, generously coat with Magic Dust Seasoning. Marinate 1 hour before grilling.

STONEGABLE SPICY BBQ RUB

I usually double or triple this recipe. 

1 TBS smoked paprika
2 TBS garlic powder
2 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp black pepper
2 tsp chili powder
2 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp cayenne
1 TBS dried chives
2 TBS brown sugar
1 tsp  kosher salt
1 TBS sugar

Mix all the ingredients in a bowl.  Pat meat dry and rub all over liberally.

Slow Cooker Creamy Swiss Veal & Mushrooms

Don’t skip this because it says Veal and Veal is expensive. Stew meat veal is generally fairly reasonable and I regularly substitute lean pork stew meat or boneless chicken thighs cut up for the veal. I’ll bet with a little finagling you could even wind up doing a Swiss meat ball or Meatloaf/home-style meat ball in this.

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What You’ll Need

1 3/4 cups  Chicken Broth or Chicken Stock
1 can (10 3/4 ounces)  Condensed Cream of Potato Soup
1 teaspoon dried thyme leaves, crushed
1 1/2 pounds veal for stew, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 package (8 ounces) sliced mushrooms
8 green onions, sliced (about 1 cup)
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/4 cup water
1 cup shredded Swiss cheese (about 4 ounces)
4 cups egg noodles, cooked and drained

How to Make It

  • 1 Stir the broth, soup, thyme, veal, mushrooms and green onions in a 3 1/2-quart slow cooker. Cover and cook on LOW for 7 to 8 hours or until the veal is fork-tender.
  • 2 Stir the flour and water in a small bowl until the mixture is smooth. Stir the flour mixture in the cooker. Increase the heat to HIGH. Cover and cook for 5 minutes or until the mixture boils and thickens.
  • 3 Stir in the cheese. Serve the veal mixture over the noodles. Season with black pepper.

I prefer using Cream of Mushroom or Golden Cream of Mushroom over the potato soup depending on what meat I’m using. I’ll also swap the stock for Beef when called for

Why Rednecks Aren’t Allowed to Join Country Clubs

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News of the Weird

Meth Head Arrested After Confusing Plymouth Prowler for Alien Spaceship

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BRYANT, AR – A Bryant man was arrested after police say he followed a couple around town harassing and threatening them because he thought the car was a spaceship and the driver was an alien.

The driver of the car was nervous enough to call police and feel threatened to the point he considered the concealed carry weapon he had with him.

The man arrested was James Bushart, 44.

When police stopped Bushart, he was found with meth, a pipe used to smoke meth and charged with DWI and Disorderly Conduct.

According to the police report, the officer conducting the traffic stop and field sobriety test says he was shaky and talking to himself throughout.

What the victim, Jay Ward, seems to think caused the problem was the car he was driving; a Plymouth Prowler.

He says Bushart followed he and his girlfriend around Bryant, at one point pulling in front of them at a stop, all the while making threatening gestures and demanding the “alien take his spaceship back to where they came from.”

“That was my biggest problem with what was going on was how upset he was. I guess in reference to the vehicle was the only thing I could think,” Jay explained. “I was a little upset about that mostly because I also had a passenger with me that was concerned for her safety as well.”

According to the police report Bushart claimed he was curious about the car because “it looked like a futuristic machine.” At one point he also told police that “he was a very big deal and had 100,000 Asian flowers.”

The victim here says he’s glad it didn’t escalate any more than having to call police.

Hmm..you know Impish’s narrator {memo to self post vacation find out who the hell authorized hiring a narrator for Impish’s issues!] said he was  talking to himself, hadn’t slept in days and had mistaken his own tail for a threat (alien?) you don’t suppose its not the sudden lack of female attention that has Impish whacked out? You don’t think has gone on the pipe do you?

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You know I always wondered what that Jungle Yodeling was all about. Here I thought maybe it was his version of a siren!

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As you know last week Impish celebrated his 19th Anniversary. His daughter (aka  the Littlest Dragon) wanted to contribute to the commemoration of this event and sent me this picture she  drew of Mr. & Mrs. Dragon’s Anniversary night festivities-

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The Littlest Dragon is a heck of an artist isn’t she? Drawing a candid is hard! You’ve got to be real fast before they spot you!

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<Impish can be heard breathing deeply and slowly, his head protectively over the end of his still singe evident tail. Diaman is seen gently caressing his eye ridges from her lounge, her eyes barely open as well. It’s obvious their respective medications are about to do them both into the land of nod. A low hum is heard and the tablet/head of iLethal appears to rise up from the floor pivoting around periscope like taking in the scene. The monitor screen behind the podium flicks to life with text>

I’ll take my victories with Impish where and when I can get them. For the moment he’s asleep. That seems like a good place to end this issue. If all ya’ll with gather up your stuff and quietly exit the room making sure not to disturb Diaman and Impish I’ll be sure to have one of the staff come and sit watch over them till they wake. Mean times it seems I’ll need to rush an order for a bunch more iLethals as I’m sure Impish is going to try to hold my telepresence captive the moment he so much as sees iLethal twitch the next time so I’ll have to play the shell game with him and have them hidden all over the mountain. Sleep well my friend here’s one more picture for you before I  board Shamrock One and wing off for the second 1/2 of my vacation.

The Living

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End

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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2 Responses to Leprechaun Laughs #256 for July 23rd 2014

  1. Lloyd Davidson says:

    I’d go with Virgin. An airplane eager to land on it’s back does not instill confidence. [image: image]

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