<Lethal comes dashing into the room deftly executes a controlled slid/slide to a stop in front of the podium and starts machine gunning out words like Impish sweetened his coffee with amphetamines and No-doze and some how snuck Crack into his hash & eggs>

Hi. Good morning. Nice to see you all here.

Get it if you want it and quickly park it if you please so we can get  right down to it.

<Lethal pulls out a pocket watch and stares at it. 10 seconds elapse>

OK social proprieties observed, host duties executed. Moving right along.

I got lots to do for Friday’s Issue and our 4th of July BBQ. As usual Impish’s big contribution seems to be he’ll be available to light all the hard wood grilling pits and annoy the hell out of the prep staff with his taste test inspections.

I have one announcement: Since last weeks Summer Music feature got more than a few positive comments (wish more of them were placed in the comments section and not private) we’ll be continuing with that on and off for a few weeks. While all the songs might not have summer in the title or lyrics but they are all song I remember from my happier summer time memories or made it big a particular summer. I’ll try to spread out the era in each issue I do them so there should be something that everyone can smile over and remember fondly.

<Lethal’s tablet chimes indicating some sort of event going on. He pauses looks up excitedly and rapid fire continues>

Lot’s to do. Gotta go. My new mobile smoker & grill system has just arrived and I have to go inspect it and sign for it. Wander by a little later and check it out. We’ll be giving it a real work out all weekend.

Enjoy the issue. Tootles. Catch ya later- maybe. Gotta dash!

<Lethal exits in a flurry of briefing papers from the podium. Shouts of dismay can be heard and the runs down the hallway shouting “Clear the hall! Make Way! Hold that down elevator or your fired…and I do mean from a cannon!”>

<Lethal almost immediately comes running back into the room and up to the podium.> I have one late arriving announcement of some import.

Impish & I had been concerned over not hearing from a devout reader and regular contributor for over a week now. We recently receive word that she had been involved in personal mishap resulting in her sustaining multiple injuries of a semi-severe nature requiring long term healing.

Our injured but on the mend loyal reader is none other than our Lady of the Limericks & Princess of Poetic Puns Diamen. Please join Impish and I in wishing her a speedy and full recovery.

So you don’t have to suffer at the hands of Obamacare or the VA Diamen we’re sending our very own Doctor of Quackery’s nurse out to treat you and assist you in attending the weekend’s festivities.

Don’t worry, he’s a (more or less almost) trained nurse. I mean what could possibly go wrong?

She should have that terminal case of blushing you’re currently suffering well under control by the start of the festivities and besides laughter is the best medicine of all!

Get well Diaman and get back to the virtual voodoo you do so well soon!

OK that’s all I have time for for the second time. As you were. <Lethal again dashes from the room and shouts of panic are heard as he again flies down the hall.>

Catholic Honeymoon

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed.

When her husband wasn’t shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him — and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her.

“I thought you realized,” he replied. “It’s Lent.”

“What?!” she shrieked, almost in tears. “Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”

“Well, you asked, and that’s the answer,” he said, going back to his book.

“But…” she said. “Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”

Alice Cooper – School’s out 1972

Probably should have gone with this one last week but better late than never!

The Man’s Guide To Female English

(The Woman’s Guide To Male English will be next…. )

What She Says
What She Means

We need
I want

It’s your decision
The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want
You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk
I need to complain

You’re…so manly
You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight!
Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting!
I’ve got my period

This kitchen is so inconvenient
I want a new house

I want new curtains
and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…

I need wedding shoes
the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there
No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise
I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me?
I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me?
I did something today you’re not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute
Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt too big?
Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate
Just agree with me

Yes
No

No
No

Maybe
No

I’m sorry
You’ll be sorry

Do you like this recipe?
It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it

I’m not yelling!
Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish
It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Absolutely Beautiful Engraving!

I love a picture with a message …
Engraving is an enduring way to display the message.

The time and cost to engrave can have such a meaningful impact.

[Particularly in larger calibers!]

Kenny Chesney Summertime

Dancing in the Street – Martha Reeves and The Vandellas

Before we get to cooking I figured this would be an appropriate time and place to show off my new Mobile Smoking and Grilling System. a real beauty isn’t it?  I designed it personally for maximum party potential. By the time the party starts the other half will be here. The follow on vehicle not contains a refrigerated section for perishables but  tanks for Beer, coffee iced tea ice and water…as well as a portable fold out bar set up and an extra long drain hose with nozzle and pump so we can use the run off from the melting ice for the wet t-shirt contest. [Hey! I had to do something to keep Impish’s mind and nose out of the cooking area or you guys would have starved!

Independence Day is just 2 days away. This year I’m not going to try and persuade you to make something new, innovative, reimagined,  exciting or different. Today we’re going to focus on a couple quick easy but slightly different sides and some easy sure to be appreciated desserts

Tomato, Onion, and Cucumber Salad

Lettuce wilts fast in the sun and heat and nobody wants to eat soggy salad (wait-actually isn’t that what Cole Slaw is?) Here’s all the things you love about a salad w/o the lettuce.

Total Time: 5 min
Prep: 5 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

5 medium plum tomatoes, halved lengthwise, seeded, and thinly sliced
1/4 red onion, peeled, halved lengthwise, and thinly sliced
1 Kirby cucumber, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced
A generous drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil, about 2 tablespoons
2 splashes red wine vinegar
Coarse salt and black pepper

Directions

Dress the tomatoes, onions, and cucumber with olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt, and pepper.

Let stand while you prepare dinner, about 20 minutes. Re-toss and serve salad with crusty bread for mopping up juices and oil.

‘Kirby cucumbers are also known as pickling cucumbers which are just small immature large ones. If you can’t find them use refrigerated Kosher, Garlic or Half Sour Pickles. A little dill goes well in this too. I like some atop a hotdog sort of Chicago style.

This is one of those salads that gets better the longer it sits. One trick is to make this in a bowl tossing to combine everything then to pack it into recycled jars to store in your fridge w/o taking up a lot of room. Glass spaghetti sauce & pickle jars work well but I like to use well washed mayonnaise jars. aside from having a wider mouth which makes filling and getting some out easier most of them are now plastic which means transportation to a picnic family gathering excreta is easy worry free and you don’t have to worry about getting your bowl back either! No Jars you say? I’ve resorted to using doubled up Ziploc gallon bags to assure no unpleasant surprises in transport

Add your own signature to this salad by finding different dressings and additional add ins. Go Greek by adding olives & feta while substituting the juice of a large lemon for the red wine vinegar and a pinch of oregano. Use Ranch dressing in place of the vinegar & oil and toss in a handful of crumbled bacon. Use Caesar and blue cheese crumbles,  or artichoke hearts and Italian dressing.

Healthy Chopped Slaw

Total Time: 1 hr 30 min
Prep:  25 min
Inactive: 1 hr
Cook: 5 min
Yield: 6 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1/2 head green cabbage (about 1 pound), shredded on a box grater
1/2 head purple cabbage (about 1 pound), shredded
Kosher salt, plus 1 teaspoon
1 carrot, shredded (1 cup)
1/2 teaspoon celery seeds
1/2 cup low-fat mayonnaise
2 tablespoons whole-grain mustard
3 tablespoons dark brown sugar
3 tablespoons pineapple juice
1/2 cup low-fat buttermilk
Freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne

Directions

Mix the 2 cabbages together in a large colander. Salt cabbage generously and put in the sink to drain for about 1 hour. Rinse cabbage under cold water and pat very dry. Mix the carrot with the cabbage.

Toast celery seeds in a dry skillet over medium heat; cool. Whisk the mayonnaise, mustard, brown sugar, pineapple juice, buttermilk, celery seeds, 1 teaspoon salt, pepper, to taste, and cayenne in a large bowl. Add the cabbage, tossing to coat. Serve immediately or refrigerate until needed.

Another good hotdog topper besides being an excellent side dish. You know that left over Red Onion from the Tomato Cucumber and Onion Salad? Goes in here pretty good too.

Apple Pie Packets

What more American (aside from Mom) than Apple Pie? Here is a crustless individual version you can make on the BBQ while you’re busy enjoying the other fruits of your grilling labors.

Ingredients:

1 apple, cored and sliced
1 tbsp. butter
1 1/2 tbsp. brown sugar
1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon
1 tbsp. dried cranberries or raisins (optional)
1 tbsp. chopped pecans (optional)

Directions:

Preheat grill (to medium heat)
Cut a 12×18-inch sheet of nonstick foil.
Place apple slices on foil along with butter, brown sugar and cinnamon and dried cranberries.
Wrap packet securely with double-fold seals, allowing for a bit of room for heat expansion.
Place packet on grill; cover and cook for about 15 minutes over medium heat.

WARNIG!: Be careful when removing from the grill.

I just use a grill-safe spatula and gently scoop up the packet and put it on a plate.
Use caution when opening packets because there will be hot steam as you open them.
We serve right in the packets.  There will be juices on the bottom of the packet.
Just gently stir your apples around a bit in those juices.
And eat! So good!
This recipe is for one serving. So it’s easy to take this recipe and make as many as you need for your crowd.  This would be fun to set up as a baked apple bar.
Set all the ingredients out for your guests and let them top with whatever they like.

Note: This is delicious put into a bowl and a little ice cream served on top! I will take the extra juices from the foil packet and drizzle it over the ice cream. Mm mm. Mm mm. French Vanilla or Rum Raisin Ice Cream makes this a seriously decadent dessert

Easy S’more Cookies

Faith & Begorrah! This next one is nothing short of bloody brilliant! It’s so easy it doesn’t even have a recipe just a photo. If you’re any sort of a baker Molly assures me all that you need it the photo and the admonishment those are mini marshmallows being used.

Warm them gently in tin foil on the grill using the indirect heat method or by placing the package on the warming rack while the  Tin Foil Apple Pie Packets cook.

In theory I suppose you could also accomplish this with store bought cookies, though I expect it’s a little harder to make and messier to eat.

The Woman’s Guide To Male English

Make sure you didn’t miss The Man’s Guide To Female English, above!

What He Says
What He Means

I’m hungry
I’m hungry

I’m sleepy
I’m sleepy

I’m tired
I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie
I’d like to have sex with you later

Can I take you out to dinner?
I’d like to have sex with you later

Can I call you sometime?
I’d like to have sex with you later

May I have this dance?
I’d like to have sex with you later

Nice dress!
Nice cleavage! (or butt or legs or all the above)

You look tense, let me give you a massage
I want to fondle you (until I can con you into sex later)

What’s wrong?
I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this

What’s wrong?
What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I’m bored
Do you want to have sex?

I love you
Let’s have sex right now

I love you, too
OK, I said it — we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair
I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair
$50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

Let’s talk
I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me (or I’m desperate to know wtf you hid my remote)

Will you marry me?
I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

I like that one better (while shopping)
Pick any frigging dress and let’s go home!

Road Rage

A man noticed he was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. Not wanting to let the crazed woman push him, he stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by flooring it.

The tailgating woman slammed on her brakes, then her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, the jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

“I’m sorry for this mistake,” he says. “You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.”

“Yeah, so?” she says.

“Naturally,” he concluded, “I assumed you had stolen the car.”

You’re getting off pretty easy again this week- I’ve got a ton of work to do for Friday’s Independence Day Issue as yet and not really any time to devote to a Parting Shot. So instead we’re going to have a little eye opening quiz on political quotes. I’m going to be honest the reason for my posting this isn’t because I just needed something to post here. I could have just said no Parting Shot this week either and I’m sure none of you would have bee overly disappointed.

My reason for posting it is actually the fact that I totally miserably failed the test. Not a single correct answer did I get. You’ll see why this got me publishing this when you get to the correct answers after taking the test (NO CHEATING!!)

Who said  it?

1) “We’re going to take things away  from you on behalf of the common good.”
    A. Karl  Marx
    B. Adolph  Hitler
    C. Joseph  Stalin
    D. Barack  Obama
    E. None of the  above

2) “It’s time for a new beginning,  for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the  few…… And to replace it with shared responsibility, for shared  prosperity.”
   A.  Lenin
    B.  Mussolini
    C. Idi  Amin
    D. Barack  Obama
    E. None of the  above

3) “(We)…..can’t just let  business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from  some people.”
    A.   Nikita  Khrushev
    B.  Joseph  Goebbels
    C. Boris  Yeltsin
    D. Barack  Obama
    E. None of the  above

4) “We have to build a political  consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own  … in order to create this common ground.”
   A. Mao Tse  Dung
    B. Hugo  Chavez
    C. Kim Jong  II
    D. Barack  Obama
    E. None of the  above

5) “I certainly think the  free-market has failed.”
   A.  Karl  Marx
    B.  Lenin
    C.  Molotov
    D. Barack  Obama
    E. None of the  above

6) “I think it’s time to send a  clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the)  entire economy that they are being watched.”
   A.  Pinochet
    B.  Milosevic
    C. Saddam  Hussein
    D. Barack  Obama
    E. None of the  above

[Scroll down for  answers]

Nope your right- the two graphics above have nothing to do with the Parting Shot’s subject matter. I didn’t trust some of you not to scroll down and check the answers before taking the quiz. That’s why they are there! GO ahead grumble all you want here’s the answer key now:

Answers

(1) E. None of the  above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton  6/29/2004
(2) E. None of the  above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton  5/29/2007
(3) E. None of the  above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton  6/4/2007
(4) E. None of the  above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton  6/4/2007
(5) E. None of the  above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton  6/4/2007
(6) E. None of the  above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton  9/2/2005

Want to know something  scary? She may be the next president if  we all don’t vote.

See you Friday for our Big Independence Day Issue Cook Out & Fireworks Display!