Dragon Laffs #1378


Dragon Laffs 16
Good Morning Campers!  How’s everyone doing this morning?  Man, have we got a fun-filled e-zine for you this morning!  I hope spring is finally here, although we still have snow in our friggin’ forecast!  At least we didn’t get our asses kicked by a mudslide like Tom went through.  So, here’s Tom:
NORTHWEST WEATHER:  Our Spring Break weather has been lousy and in some areas, devastating. Lows continue to be in the low to mid- forties with highs in the mid-fifties. Rain, heavy at times with few sun breaks. No change in the near future is forecast. Two feet of new snow is expected in the mountains over the weekend.

The heavy rain has caused landslides in the area, closing some roads and highways. A major slide northeast of Seattle totally destroyed the small community of Oso Washington. So far, 25 people have been found dead and at least 90 are still missing and presumed dead.Washington Mudslide
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The pictures show first responders searching some of the ruins left behind by the mudslide in Oso. Nothing was left in the area and the mud is 30 to 40 feet deep. Maybe we cou
ld all help the victims and their familie
s with a little prayer. It won’t cost you anything and only takes a minute.
 
Tom, in Turner Oregon. 3f

Wow.  That sounds bad in so many different ways!  Since Tom’s is the only full update I received this week, I’ll just tell you that here, in North Central Indiana, we’ve got a possible high of 41° and a low of 25° with a 50% chance of snow.
Snow!
It’s almost APRIL!!!
This is now entering the ridiculous stage!  Bordering on the insane!
Although, the saying in Indiana is, if you don’t like the weather, wait an hour.

So, after all that, I don’t know about you, but I SURE NEED a laff!  Whadda ya say?  Shall we get started?

Yes?

Then…

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Chris Hadfield “There is no problem so large in space, that you can’t make it worse…” A great talk by a modern day hero.

Do dogs react to magic?  Watch as magician and mentalist Jose Ahonen vanishes some dog treats under their noses. 

By the way, they say that all the dogs got treats before and after the trick.

 

Don’t we all have that “special” brother or nephew or uncle?  This guy could be one of mine…

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.
In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put “trying to do
the job alone”, as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter
that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details
will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my
work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel, by using a pulley, which fortunately, was attached to the side
of the building, at the sixth floor.

SECURING THE ROPE AT GROUND LEVEL, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the brick into it.  Then, I went back to the
ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent
of the 500 pounds of bricks.  You will note in block number 11 of the
accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
PRESENCE OF MIND and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

SLOWED ONLY SLIGHTLY, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two-knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground – and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Devoid of the weight of
the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.  As you might
imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and
lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three
vertebrae were cracked.

I AM SORRY TO REPORT, however, that as I lay there on the bricks – in
pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above
me — I again lost my presence of mind —

I LET GO OF THE ROPE

 

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dragon pic

DragonPapa1 (252)

 

Montana Bows to Pressure from Anti-Gun Lobby
 
Hard to believe Montana did this, but Montana has followed that idiot newspaper in New York and released a map of the location of all gun owners in the state. 
 
Their locations are marked in red:3b

Oh payback is SUCH a bitch!  Why you should never, EVER prank your dad.  He’s got years more experience at being devious, wicked and evil and can give a whole lot better than he gets.  Here is revenge like you’ve never seen it before!

 

Breaking News!

WASHINGTON In what was described as a major ramping up of sanctions, Secretary of State John Kerry announced on Tuesday that the United States had frozen Russian President Vladimir Putin’s Netflix account, effective immediately.
“Unless and until Mr. Putin calls off the annexation of Crimea, no more ‘House of Cards’ or ‘Orange Is the New Black’ for him,” Mr. Kerry said. “The United States will not stand by and reward the annexation of another sovereign nation with a policy of streaming as usual.”
While all of the sanctions Mr. Kerry announced on Tuesday were Netflix-related, he warned Mr. Putin that “nothing is off the table.”
“I’m sure I don’t need to remind the Russian President that ‘Game of Thrones’ is about to come back for another season,” he said. “As I have said, this thing could get very ugly, very fast.”

 

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WWII Facts

  You might enjoy this from Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Retired and a history buff.  You would really have to dig deep to get this kind of ringside seat to history:

1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), The first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940);  The highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old: Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age.  His benefits were later restored by act of Congress.

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced ‘sink us’);  The shoulder patch of the US Army’s 45th Infantry division was the swastika.  Hitler’s private train was named ‘Amerika.’  All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps.  While completing the required 30 missions, an airman’s chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target.  For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi   Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a big mistake.  Tracers had different Ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing.  Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction.  Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was pee in it.  This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

8. German ME-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but they decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

10. Among the first ‘Germans’ captured at Normandy were several Koreans.  They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands.  21 troops were killed in the assault on the island… It could have been worse if there had actually been any Japanese on the island.

12. The last marine killed in WW2 was killed by a can of spam.  He was on the ground as a POW in Japan when rescue flights dropping food and supplies came over, the package came apart in the air and a stray can of spam hit him and killed him.

3c

When Impish Dragon was just a small boy and hadn’t even discovered his dragon side yet, he came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.  Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back
with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Impish said,”Dad, our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”
His father thinking quickly said, “Son that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”
“Gee Dad that’s great,” said our young dragon.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Impish rushed out to meet him yelling, Dad, Dad, we almost lost Mom today.!!
“What do you mean?” asked Dad
”Well, Dad, I got home from school early today, and went up to our bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,  ‘I’m coming, I’m coming, oh God, I’m coming!’ and if it hadn’t been for Uncle
Guido holding her down, we’d have lost her for sure!”

 

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I don’t frequent the bars very often but I felt compiled to entertain myself at the Texas Rose last night, and while I was waiting for a beer, a butt-ugly, I mean BUTT UGLY, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, “Have you got a pen.”

She said, “I sure do.”

I said, ” Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday

 

3d

 

Okay, so we haven’t heard anything from Wheats lately, and I know some of you have gotten worried.  Not to fear, Wheats is fine.  He’s actually working on a super secret really special project for me that I will happily share with all of you when it is complete!  In the meantime, here’s his latest submission.  I think it’s utterly fantastic!

3g

 

Okay, so as I’m typing this up on Friday night, my beautiful wife says, “Did you hear that?”  I said no and she continued, “Subway has a new “Flatizza”.  She started to describe it as a pizza like thing, but all I saw in my head was a small boobed, pole-dancer who is one of the few who doesn’t put out.  Are you with me?

My head hurts.

Motivational

game

Another one of the toys I used to play with

 

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they

this is why

 

A very, VERY unusual event has been captured on film.

Something so rare, I could find no other pictures of it anywhere!

So, prepare yourself to be shocked and overwhelmed!

Here for the first time…

An actual documented picture of Democrats in a brainstorming session…

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3h

3i

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4a

853

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854

 

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1It’s Saturday morning, the issue has already posted and I’m adding in this last word to show you how crazy life is…this is what I woke up to this morning:photo (2)And although you can’t really see it in the picture, it’s still snowing!  And these are my poor tulips trying to make a go of it!  Hang on guys!  You can do it! photo (1)Silly damn weather.
Have a great weekend!

Ending

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