Dragon Laffs #1375


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Good Morning CampersGood morning campers!  Welcome to another edition of the best e-zine on the internet.  Is it finally spring time?  It’s getting closer.  We’ve had 3 days in a row now that the temperature has gotten over the freezing point at least for a little while during the day.  I’m almost afraid, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I think we might be getting a taste of that other shoe tomorrow, though.  Our forecast calls for rain, freezing rain, sleet, thunderstorms and snow.  A more unholy combination of weather I don’t think I’ve ever heard of, unless youLivelovelaugh were to throw a tornado in there.  And in all honesty, in Indiana, with Thunderstorms, you ALWAYS have a shot at a tornado.  Should be good fun.  I can hardly wait to see what comes next!

So, I think at this point, it’s time to get set and ready to laugh, so, everyone set your coffee down and be prepared to properly time your swallows with NOT reading so as not to spew coffee onto your computer screens.  Because I would say that if you don’t find something to laugh at in today’s issue, you’re already dead.  You’re just waiting on the coroner.

 

The Russians sure have a strange idea of the proper way of towing a vehicle:

And why in the world would they not have someone behind the wheel to steer?

 

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And I agree, this one definitely deserves the title of…
groan

Why is it so damn cold??
Because almost every white person for 200+ years said,
“It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President.”
Enjoy the weather.

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DragonPapa1 (242)

Impish Dragon received the following text from his neighbor, Lethal Leprechaun:
 
I am so sorry, Impish.  I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.  In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
 
Our dear dragon, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot Mrs. Dragon and killed her.Hell
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:
 
Damn autocorrect.  Sorry dude, I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.

 

Okay, how many of you are as sick and tired of winter as I am.

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The Funeral

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothing like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost…. it’s a guy thing.

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Blow Frog…submitted by our own dear Ginny:

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet.  After looking around, she realized that all the pets were very expensive.  She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.  “I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive, ” she said.

“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.  Would you like to see it?”

“$50.00?!  For a frog?!!” asked the woman.

The clerk explained, “It’s a special frog.  It gives blow jobs.”

Well, the woman didn’t particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal.  She’d get her husband a gift he’d surely enjoy, and she’d never have to do that again!  The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was skeptical, but said for sure he’d try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night, relieved knowing that she’d never have to give another blow job.

Around two in the morning, she woke to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen.  She got up to go see what was going on.  When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

“What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?” she asked.

The guy looks up at her and says, “Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!”

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Impish Dragon was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer (who is also his best buddy Lethal Leprechaun) to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all of my money with me:”. At the funeral each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed ” I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery”. “Well since we are confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000″. Lethal Leprechaun was aghast. ” I am ashamed of both of you”, he exclaimed,” I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

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3hElephant Woof

I understand completely how that probably happened exactly as he explains.  Makes perfect sense to me.

 

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Yup, I have one of those at home.  She doesn’t beg, we wouldn’t allow that, but whenever anyone has anything to eat, she moves from her little bed to lay closer to the person with the food.  She lays back down, but continues to watch you with her eyes.  It’s really quite funny.

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Blonde, dumb

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said….

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

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Okay, so I know it’s probably strange to say and I’ll probably hear about it from you guys and from Lethal Leprechaun, but I like these videos, the blending is very well done and I like seeing how many scenes I recognize…

And watching the last video, I caught sight of one of my favorite all time dance numbers from any movie…I think you’ll agree that it doesn’t get much better than this!

843Boy, do I understand that one!  If it wasn’t for modern pharmacological chemistry, I probably would have been dead years ago…and if it wasn’t for post-modern recreational chemistry, I probably would have been a better man than I am now.
But, that’s neither here nor there.
Wait…
What were we talking about?

Not sure if you’ve seen this or not yet, Lethal hasn’t told me all the different places he’s posted it.  I’m sure it’s probably hit Monster.com, Mythical and magical placements, Terrorizing Temps and several other places.  But, this is the ad that was run:

POSITION AVAILABLE: SIDE KICK, STRAIGHT MAN, SECOND BANANA, CHIEF EXECUTIVE HENCHMAN/MINION
 
NEED: IMMEDIATE- MYTHICAL/MAGICAL OR LEGENDARY CREATURES ONLY NEED APPLY
 
DEMONSTRABLE EXPERIENCE AND PROVEN TRACK RECORD REQUIRED. Minor to Major Multidimensional/Realm Reputation a plus
 
Legendary Mythical/Magical mover and shaker in multiple dimensions/realities with sidekick/best bubby abandonment issues
seeks potential replacement for currently/frequently absent professional sidekick.
 
Compensation: commensurate with length of experience, past deeds and accomplishments.
 
Perks include: Profit sharing, Retirement fund, Free Private Cutting Edge Medical with generous compensation for lost time if injured on the job. Living quarters are possible for right applicant. Extensive Paid First Class Multi & Extra Dimensional Travel
 
Trial period is on call per dieum
 
Successful Applicant Will Possess Most/All of the Following Skills/Expertise/Personality Traits:
 
Ability to avoid/stay out of or get self out of trouble/predicaments of foreseeable consiquence
 
Strong entrepreneurial skills/desires/schemes.
 
Distain for thinking inside the box.
 
Seriously warped sense of humor.
 
A somewhat mercurial attitude towards laws, Social values and Mortal’s Morality
 
Their own networks of associates and contact applicable and appropriate to the work.
 
An unassuming non threatening appearance/disguise/alter ego
 
A seriously threatening intimidating and bladder voidingly frightening primary form/appearance/reputation/skill or power.
 
a portfolio demonstrating a proven and verifiable mastery of all the classic short & long cons.
 
A serious desire to learn from a proven master and improve his craft.
 
A clean rap sheet, no outstanding warrants, has no hits on any watch list in this or any other dimensions.
 
Clean unused unimpeachably backstopped identity, financial and travel documents sets for a minimum of 6 different identities.
Preference will be given for those who can produce said documents across multiple dimensions.
 
Can demonstrate a lack of current commitments/loyalties to any other criminal person(s)/organization(s)/domain(s)/ ruler(s)/head(s) of state.
 
CURRENT EMPLOYEES LOOKING TO MOVE UP ARE WELCOME TO APPLY.
 
Interested parties Respond to:
 
Sidekick Position
1 Keebler Tower
Mailstop: Admin
Green Giant Valley, Texas

I found it posted on the employee advancement board, so I don’t feel bad at all about reprinting it here.  I’m sure there’s been several of our current mythical employees who’ve already applied (see the last underlined sentence).  Not sure if he was bragging, but Lethal let it be known that several mythical, magical, fictional (and several combinations thereof) have already made inquiries or actually sent in resumes.  Now, I’m not going to go name dropping or anything, but some of them were some pretty big names.  At least one Norse God and a very famous dragon or three. I’m very flattered and quite apprehensive about competing for my own job!

So, any interested magical/mythical creatures out there interested in taking my job away from me?

 

Motivate

Geek girl

Hey, looks like I could get another gig fairly easily.  Any volunteers to be my librarian?

 

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And I was absolutely sure they were perfect the way they were!  Just goes to show you.

 

Ninjas

Well, my little baby dragon would say that dragons make the best parents in the world, but I can see as how Ninjas have a horse in the race.

 

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I repeat my earlier statement about perfection.  Is it any wonder that men have been infatuated since birth?

 

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quarter

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now what the hell would you say?”

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The Academy Awards on ABC drew the largest TV audience in ten years Sunday. There are always some hurt feelings after the show. The makers of Twelve Years a Slave accepted the Oscar for best picture without giving any credit to the Confederacy for making it all possible.
Matthew McConaughey stunned at the Oscars by thanking God in his acceptance speech Sunday. The world audience wasn’t what it might have been. Vladimir Putin canceled the Oscars broadcast in Russia and in the mood he’s in don’t get your hopes up for the Tony Awards.
Senate Republicans took turns blasting President Obama Monday for not confronting the Russians more directly than he has. Say what you will about George W. Bush, he wouldn’t have stood for Russia’s aggression in the Ukraine. He would have invaded New Zealand by now.
USA Today reported on a recent geography poll which found that sixty-four percent of the world’s young people can’t identify Ukraine on a map of the world. So Putin’s attitude is, who’s going to miss it? This is what happens when the Russians don’t win a medal in hockey.
The New Republic admitted Tuesday that Sarah Palin was right when she predicted six years ago that Obama’s foreign policy would result in Putin invading Ukraine. She has been hounded by reporters all week. They all want to know who she likes in the Kentucky Derby.

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Public

It’s that time of year again my fellow campers!  That one special day that you despise above all others!  The one day a year that robs most of us of the one thing we cherish above all others.  The day that the universe conspires to take from us the most sought after, desired possession.  More prized than gold, silver or sex…okay, so maybe not THAT prized.
What is this mystical thing that you are losing?
SLEEP!!!  TIME!!!  It’s Daylight Savings time again and that means that tonight, before you go to bed you need to set your clocks ahead by one hour…or, you can stick to the official time and get up at 2 am and set your clock to 3 am.Daylightsavingstime4

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This is such a touching and poignant video that proves that the youth of today still have some hope left in them.  If I could use this video to show in schools about the proper attitude and the right way to do things, I would in a heartbeat.  This young man is a credit to his family and the memory of his father.  Yes, I said the memory.  As you watch this video, you would be strongly advised to have a box of tissue available.
I felt this was important enough to be included as my Last Word for this week.

The whole idea of paying it forward is the kind of thing that I wish was more prevalent in our society.  Think of what could be accomplished.  We say, “What goes around, comes around” and “You reap what you sow”.  We’ve all heard these sayings over and over again.  Is that not the same as paying it forward? I know, I know, we normally associate those sayings with someone doing something wrong and it coming it back to bite him.  But, doesn’t it also mean that if you do something good, it will come back around to you? 

Have you ever had someone do something for you out of the blue and felt the need to do something for someone else?

When I was a young airman, I was driving from Indiana to New Mexico on a change of duty assignment.  Long story short, I was about as far into the middle of nowhere in the New Mexico desert as you could possibly get.  It was about 70 miles in any direction to the closest town.  I had lost one tire the day before and was driving on the spare, with just about enough money to pay for gas to get to Holloman AFB.  And wouldn’t you know it, I got another flat.  No spare, no money,  no cell phone and in the middle of the desert.  I had a family stop, his wife stayed with my wife and young daughter, he drove me the 70+ miles into town, paid for the tire to be fixed, drove me all the way back out and helped me change the tire, made sure we were on our way.

Who does that?  Took five hours out of their day, PAID for the tire, it was amazing!

So, it wasn’t a couple of months later when I was driving that I ran into a family with a flat tire, no spare and no money.  His tire had a gash in it and couldn’t be fixed.  So what did I do?  (I know, there’s a couple of you who are saying, “You drove on by!”  Ha, Ha!  No, I didn’t!) I drove him to town, bought him a tire, helped him change it and sent him on his way.  I felt obligated!  It’s not often that the universe slaps you in the face with Karma.  I had to do it.

So, why can’t we do it the other way?  Why can’t we do nice things for people, for no reason, with no expectation of payback and allow the universe to bless us in return?  Set it up so Karma can work in our favor instead of against us?  Do you realize that if enough people pay it forward, over and over again, that we HAVE to be paid to in return.  Over and Over!

What do you think?

I think it’s certainly worth a try.  We could even brag about it here.  What we did to pay it forward and how we were blessed by someone else.

Think about it.

Cheers2

Impish Dragon 5

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1375

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    Dude I know you think I’m going all out to find a replacement for you.Truth be told I don’t really need a sidekick, I have a competent staff. There was no way I was paying those sites you think I posted it on to list your job. I just Craig’s Listed your position for free.

    • impishdragon says:

      Pay? PAY?? Who said anything about you paying for anything? As a matter of fact, what I heard from the horse’s mouth is that those other websites offered to pay YOU for the chance to publish your ad. They only wanted the notoriety of having the great Lethal Leprechaun as a customer. I also KNEW that you’d be too cheap to pay for something you can get for free.

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        I’M TOO CHEAP??!! This from the guy who make me and/or his captive virgins always pick up the lunch tab by pulling a dine & dash to say nothing of either tell the guy using a hand truck to wheel in his pizza order that he’ll catch him next time and then next time give him a stock tip for penny stocks??!!

        MAYBE you should start thinking about other reasons I didn’t need to post on professional boards but chose a place reserved for used goods instead

  2. Ginny says:

    Just loved the DANCING IN THE MOVIES. As always, another great issue.

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