Dragon Laffs #1320


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Good Morning Campers!  Welcome to another edition of your favorite e-zine!  Or is it a blog?  Or something else entirely?  You know, that’s a really good question.  What exactly are we?  Well, we are a font of information, a plethora of laughter, a tidal wave of obfuscation, and damn great read at an excellent price.  So, without further ado, …

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Dungeons and Dragons was invented 39 years ago, tomorrow…can you believe that?  I used to live for this game.  The group I was with on one of the bases I lived on at the time (no, I won’t mention the base, nor the people for fear that the statute of limitations may not be up yet.) would start playing Friday Night after work and usually stop playing sometime early Sunday morning.  We did that every weekend, except those that I had weekend duty.  We had a LOT of fun.

Here’s a little history about this great game.  Dungeons & Dragons is a fantasy, role-playing game originally designed by Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson and first published in 1974 by TSR (which I only recently found out stood for Tactical Studies Rules, Inc.)  The game has been published by Wizards of the Coast since 1997.  D&D has been widely regarded as the mother of all other modern RPGs and the entire RPG industry.
D&D departs from traditional war gaming and assigns each player a specific character to play instead of a military formation.  These characters embark upon imaginary adventures within a fantasy setting.  A 001Dungeon Master serves as the games referee, creator, storyteller, god and handles the role of most of the other people the characters may run into (called NPGs or Non-Player Characters).

The Player Characters form a party to interact with each other, these NPGs (anything from weapon-smith to drunken townsperson) and the Dungeon Master (DM) himself to solve problems, engage in battles, gather treasure, slay monsters, rescue damsels in distress, learn knowledge and anything else the devious DM can come up with.

In 1977, the game was split into two versions: the relatively rules-light game system002 of Dungeons & Dragons and the more structured, rules-heavy game system of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. AD&D 2nd Edition was published in 1989. In 2000, the original version of the game was discontinued and the AD&D version was renamed Dungeons & Dragons with the release of its 3rd edition. These rules formed the basis of the d20 System that is available under the Open Game License for use by other publishers. Dungeons & Dragons version 3.5 was released in June 2003, with a 4th edition in June 2008.

As of 2006, Dungeons & Dragons remained the best-known and best-selling Gworf2role-playing game, with an estimated 20 million people having played the game and more than $1 billion in book and equipment sales. The game has been supplemented by many pre-made adventures as well as commercial campaign settings suitable for use by regular gaming groups. Dungeons & Dragons is known beyond the game for other D&D-branded products, references in popular culture and some of the controversies that have surrounded it, particularly a moral panic in the 1980s falsely linking it to Satanism and suicide. The game has won multiple awards and has been translated into many languages beyond the original English.

440Even as youngsters, Impish Dragon and Lethal Leprechaun got in more than their fair share of trouble.  Usually with Lethal (seen here on the left) forcing Impish (the one with his ass hanging half out of the doggie door) into some sort of trouble.
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The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself with Indian Names.

The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name to the Washington Foreskins in honor of all the pricks in Washington DC, effective immediately.

dragon pic11d31One of the absolute worst things about this Sequestration and the subsequent furloughs is that I’ve had to give up my HBO and therefore my beloved Game of Thrones.  Sniff!  I know that I’ll eventually catch  up with them…someday…but it still hurts.  My plan, such that it is, is that next year, when things are (hopefully) back to normal, HBO usually shows all the previous seasons shows on HBO on demand prior to the start of the newest season.  At that time I will have the opportunity to watch the entire season at one time, all in a row.  It could be a Game of Thrones weekend! 

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This was just sent to me by one of our stalwart contributors and Bill, I have to say…I could indeed see this happening to any one of us.  Anyone of us men, especially if the surveyor was a woman…


I  hate it when people forward bogus warnings…but this one is real, and it’s important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday.

I feel so stupid now.

441True story…how was I supposed to know he was talking about my license and registration?  Lethal?  Can you, um…. come bail me out?  Soon?  I know it’s only been a couple of days, but working on Dragon Laffs while in jail is really hard!

And yet another one from good old Bill.  Bill, buddy, I’m not sure what’s going on with you, but you need to take a deep breath and count to ten or something before you jump into these things with both feet…
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To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
 
I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me … oh, well, I’ll see you on the bus!

 

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f2009062201Wow!  My kind of woman!  I’ll bet SHE plays Dungeons and Dragons!  Probably with real Dungeons and real Dragons.  I definitely volunteer for the role of the dragon!

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The Associated Press removed the phrase illegal immigrant from its style-book this week. The editors feel the label is stigmatizing. From now on, all Associated Press reports will simply refer to an illegal immigrant as a person diagnosed with Happy Feet.
Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.
Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed.  See, I ain’t the only one!
President Obama will give back 5% of his salary in a sign of solidarity over the sequester. Now if all the members of Congress would give back their entire salaries, it would only take 172 years to pay off the $16 Trillion debt they created. Under any other circumstances, I would say that this was a great thing, since not many others have stepped forward to show integrity and solidarity with the federal works who are losing their pay, but several of them have offered to give back the same 20% that the rest of us are losing.  The man is making $400K a year.  Give back 20%, like the rest and I would be willing to write it up here in Dragon Laffs and even say what a great guy he is…at least for that!  But 5%?  Come on!  Where’s the leadership?  Where’s the lead by example?  The integrity?  Yes, 5% is better than nothing.  And yes, it’s more than he had to give back, but still….others making a lot less a year than he is is giving back a lot more.  Yeah, yeah, I’ll stop bitching now.
China News reported a new outbreak of Bird Flu in China when two people died in Shanghai last week. It threatens to infect all of Asia. North Korea’s leader Kim Jung Un
heard about the outbreak of Bird Flu and launched missiles towards the Canary Islands.

A NY judge overturned a 2011 FDA decision to require a prescription for the morning after pill for girls under 17, saying it must be available to people of any age. Some are decrying this loss of parental control. Thinking if a girl needs the pill, she’s a bit past that point.

 


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There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, “It could have been worse” after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.

One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

“No doubt about it,” one deputy said to the other. “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

“You’re right,” the other deputy replied. “Double murder and suicide. But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he’s going to say ‘It could have been worse’ as he always does!”

“No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn’t be worse. You’re on.” said the first deputy.

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on
the floor with the gun by his side. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. “But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse!!”

“Yes it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!”

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A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.


That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “take the dog for a walk.”

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Okay, I’ve got to jump in here and say something…I just read that John Kerry declared that he will donate 5% of his Secretary of State salary to charity as a sacrifice for the sequester budget cuts.  What the hell is it with all these damn politicians giving up 5% of their 3 or 4 hundred thousand dollar a year salaries when they are bloody well taking 20% of my $49,000 salary!  Not even counting the overtime that I am no longer allowed to draw.  I have to work the weekend and just adjust my schedule to take additional time off during the week.  Gee, you can’t spend time with your family because we are going to make you work the weekend, but we’re not going to pay you anything special for it.  Plus we’re taking 20% of your regular pay.  Well, Mr. and Mrs. Politician giving up 5% of their huge paycheck, I would just like to say:
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Check out the bling on these guys!!!
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North Korean officers… Could be easily defeated with a giant magnet…

 

Since I’m working the whole weekend, I thought we’d finish out today’s issue with some laffs.  Goodness knows I’ll need them when I’m at work, wondering what in the world I’m doing there on the weekend… so let’s wrap it up.

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Funny and sad at the same time?  Yup!

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That’s it for today my friends.  Have a great weekend and remember to keep those cards and letters coming.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1320

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    About that leathery ass problem buddy- If Kerasal lotion can soften a woman’s nasty scaly heels and (allegedly) soften alligator hide I suggest parking you leathery butt in a barrel of it

    • impishdragon says:

      But Lethal, if I do that, it just doesn’t sound right saying “Kiss my silky smooth and cute soft blue ass!” It just doesn’t have the same gumption as “Kiss my leathery blue ass!” But for you, buddy, I’ll take it under advisement!
      Cheers,
      Impish

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