FAIR WARNING! With the stir the CEO and face of the World’s Largest (by assets) untaxed in any Nation Multinational Corporation has created by stepping down and asking “So what’s my retirement package like? None of my predecessors (literally) have touched it in 600 years, must be pretty sweet by now huh?” has caused some of you MIGHT find today’s issue a wee bit heavy on the religious humor.
Why’s that? Simple. That “World’s Largest (by assets) untaxed in any Nation Multinational Corporation “ I was referring to is in fact, the Catholic Church!
You know, those guys who are forever crying “Separation of Church & State!” anytime talk of making them register as a Special Interest Lobby, Taxing them or any other talk of making laws that pertain to every other institution (especially labor laws) comes up while they constantly and incessantly attempt to intervene and interfere in our governmental process to promote their beliefs issues and agendas!
On another note, today’s issue is somewhat of a rarity with me as it is almost completely humor based with very little in the way of serious subjects being addressed and those only lightly with the exception of a PSA Safety Tip on being Personally Emergency Ready and an extremely interesting Youtube you’ll not want to miss.
SPEAKING of being ready….
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
‘What may we do for you! my son?’
He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’
‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’ ‘
‘Of course, child. What may I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?’
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’
When they got to Customs, she let the Priest go first. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father.
Emergency tip that could save your life
Information courtesy of a KimKommando Tip of the Day
Any cellphone with a number keypad has one-button emergency calling. This is usually the “9” key. Just press and hold to dial 911. Check your phone’s manual to verify the key and to make sure it is turned on.
Smartphones have an emergency call icon on the lock screen. This connects you directly to 911 without taking the time to unlock your phone. If you don’t see this icon, consult your smartphone’s manual.
Your phone isn’t just useful to make an emergency call, though. You can actually make it into a medical alert gadget.
First, keep a copy of your phone’s passcode in your wallet, near where you keep your ID. That way, first responders know how to unlock your phone to get to your ICE contacts. If you have an ICE card, put your phone’s passcode on that.
Next, create special contacts with an “ICE” prefix on your phone, so something like “ICE Bob” or “ICE Alice.” This saves first responders crucial time in contacting the people you need them to. There are also ICE apps like ICE 123 for iPhones and ICE for Androids.
Some people even create wallpaper with their ICE contacts and set it as the background of the lock screen.
Of course, there is the chance that your smartphone can lose power or be damaged in a disaster.
It helps to have this information in as many places as possible. Most medical professionals recommend having an ICE card in your wallet or purse in addition to all the tips above. AAA has a free template you can print and fill out.
Both apps and the AAA Pdf are free, so there is no reason for not using them, unless of course you have a Windows OS phone or a Blackberry.
A couple personal thoughts on the AAA ICE card:
I printed them out fairly large so I have plenty of room to write neatly and legibly.Then I took it to Kinkos and had is reduced and printed on card stock with archival inks and laminated it. I thought this a bit expensive but a worthwhile investment in our safety. I made double copies of them all and keep a spare set in a double zip Lock bag with our Hurricane Season/Emergency Departure bags.
Molly however pointed out I could have achieve the same thing cheaper by filling out the form and then taking a careful photo/scan of it and having it printed out at a Kodak kiosk, 3×5 for the car and wallet sized for the personal one. Which I then could still laminate. The Kodak kiosks will even do the scanning for you.
This idea is particularly brilliant because you can get copies of the scans/photos as jpegs and place them all in a file with other important scanned documents you might need. I did this compressed the file, password protected it and them uploaded the file to an on-line file sharing service that allows only the uploader to access their files. This means that anytime I have secure internet access anywhere in the world I can obtain this information in a couple minutes if I lose the copies I carry with me.
Speaking of laminating I double laminated a small version of the car one on the heaviest stock I could buy that it fit on and using a zip tie attached this to our spare key which we have one of Molly’s relatives that lives close enough to us keeping for use, in case of, you guessed it- an emergency. Not only does it label the key but it gives them snatch and dash capability.
Next week we’ll talk tech about a few more Smartphone apps to help keep you and your pets safe in everyday life and while traveling.
I’m guessing he was speaking with the voice of long experience!
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke, (skull cap), steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account.” “If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.” “However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”
All is silent at this point, then mother placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and told him, ‘You’ll have sex with her again.”
MEMORY TEST! My score is 20/20
Have a paper and pencil handy to record your answers. Your mind isn’t as sharp as it once was! (It’s just gotten older, that’s all.)
This is NOT a pushover test. It’s a Baby Boomer era test!
There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. This one will be difficult for the younger set. (DUDE!)
Have fun, and no peeking! (Answers are at the end of the issue to prevent it)
Good luck, youngsters!
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was…
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and…
A. It’s you
B. He is us
C. It’s the Grinch
D. He wasn’t home
E. He’s really me and you
F. We quit
G. He surrendered
4. Good night, David…
A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night, Irene
D. Good night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve
5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went…
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend…
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar…
A. You’re a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I’m telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights never ending battle for truth, justice and…
B. Lois Lane
C. TV rating
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s time to do your homework
C. It’s Howdy Doody Time
D. It’s time for Romper Room
E. It’s bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scooby Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears….
B. Oh, no
C. Gee whiz
D. I’m scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let’s run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone…
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don’t know
F. Who says, ‘Trust me’
G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings…
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Staubach
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway
A. Smear it on
B. You’ll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It’s a dream
F. We’re your team
G. A little dab’ll do ya
14. I found my thrill…
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the window sill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by…
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carrey
G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles…
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who…
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?
18. I’m strong to the finish…
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I’m the hero
E. And don’t you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bluto
19. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today.
A. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you’re on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we’re watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you’re a hit
G. Smile, you’re on TV
20. What do M & M’s do?
A. Make your tummy happy!
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors
Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa .
6) It is always available as needed.
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it…
(Not nearly enough)
(Only because they don’t check for Caffeine)
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes
To people who don’t have to pass a urine test.
So, here is my question:
Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check
Because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.
I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT—-doing drugs while I work..
Can you imagine how much money each state would save
If people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
I guess we could call the program”URINE OR YOU’RE OUT”!
P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!….
Congratulations, You’ve met a Liberal then.
OK folks, here is that promised Youtube, but first I need to explain what makes it so great.
This clip is from the testimony being offered in front of the Connecticut State Legislature regarding the myriad of gun control proposals that have sprung up in the Connecticut General Assembly post Newton. It is being offered by a dad who had a kid at the school that day… what a great video!
I wonder why we didn’t see this on the national news over and over and over like the other side of the argument.
This father is focused and addressing the true issue If someone that close to the issue can see the base issue so clearly, why in the hell can’t the liberals and lawmakers even begin to have a clue?
I received another crop of them…this time from Impish himself!
On the golf course, the husband did say
To his wife, “I am horny.” “Okay,
We will screw,” she replied,
“When we get back inside.
So this round for us both is fore play.”
An old hooker would frequently crow
She preferred to give head in the snow
And would say with a sniff
They’re continually stiff
Before and after they blow.
There was a boxer from Kansas
Who got knocked out by wife, Francis.
It was the night before
She caught him with a whore
And now he’s big man on canvas.
An elderly bride in the hall
Married ‘Stretchy Tri-Testicle Saul’.
’Twas her last day — they say
One went down the wrong way;
Well, at least she died having a ball.
There once was a woman, Monique,
Who proclaimed an efficient technique,
“One f*ck daily’s just right.”
She did seven one night,
And then found that it made her hole weak
Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I’m SO going to hell in a hand basket. Pfffht! Been there done that, been threatened with it about a dozen times now. If this banner is the thing that sends me there you Catholics and religious types got a really weird scoring system when it comes to sins.
We got editorial rules here at DL/LL Enterprises. Things that (hopefully) make LL distinctive from DL. One of which is the fact I do ‘The Parting Shot” as opposed to Impish’s Last Word. Another is that Part Shot banners always have a firearm or projectile weapon of some sort in the banner, along with (hopefully) some other graphical representation that relates to the subject matter of the commentary.
Keep those rules in mind just for a second YOU try finding a base graphic which to convert into a Part Shot Header when dealing with the subject of the First Pope in 6oo years to abdicate the position in favor of the hitherto unknown and untested Pope’s Retirement Package!
Yeah that’s just about what I thought would happen to those objections.
Pope would fit right in if he chose South Florida as his retirement spot
By Frank Cerabino Palm Beach Post Staff Writer http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/news/local/cerabino-pope-would-fit-right-in-if-he-chose-south/nWMwp/
First of all, congratulations.
As a wise man once said: Nobody on his or her deathbed has ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.”
So props to you, Benedict XVI, for being the first pope in 600 years to realize that.
When you become a retiree at the end of the month, you’ll need a new place to stay.
Have you considered moving to Florida? Everyone else has.
I read that the church is planning to move you to a fixer-upper monastery at the Vatican, where you will be downsized to Cardinal and made to live near your replacement.
That’s never a good idea. First it’s like, “Oh, we’re so glad to have you around for your counsel, blah, blah, blah …” and within a few months, your calls are going straight to voicemail and you’re getting all your papal news from Twitter.
Do yourself a favor and make a clean break.
And when you do, there’s no place better to land than a South Florida condo.
You’ll fit in. Trust me.
Half of the adults-only developments here have Italian-sounding names and were built in the style of the Vatican. And nearly all the landscaping work is done by Catholics.
So think about it. You don’t have to commit.
At first, just come for the season.
I guarantee you, once you get here and feel that warm sunshine radiating through your mitre, you’ll want to take off all your shmatas and sit by the pool in a bathing suit for deep reflection, a little contract bridge and maybe a late-night cigar.
Which brings me to something else. You probably could use some sharpening of your leisure skills.
I’ve read that your plan for retirement is to pray. Which is like Tiger Woods saying he’s quitting the tour so he can play golf.
Seriously, your Holiness, coming to Florida may be God’s way of having you experience some of His most remarkable creations: Like the all-you-can eat buffet at Golden Corral followed by a musical review performed by the Kings Point Players.
We here in South Florida are living in the land of miracles, and I’m not just talking about hip replacements.
A lot of prayers have been answered here.
Which reminds me, you’re gonna have to watch out for the ladies.
The adults-only communities are teeming with them, and many are still on the prowl. It’s like being surrounded by an army of Mary Magdalene’s grandmothers.
So I wouldn’t flash a lot of that fabulous jewelry around the clubhouse, or mention your vow of celibacy in any way that might be misconstrued as a challenge.
As a last resort, you’ll be able to keep them away with your golden staff.
I know you’re feeling old and tired now. In your retirement announcement, you spoke of a recognition that you were losing the “strength of mind and body” to do your job.
Fortunately, you don’t need either to enjoy South Florida living. And after a few months in the condo, your immersion into shared experiences will rejuvenate you, even if it’s mostly just stimulation by agitation.
Instead of wasting away in that hush-hush monastery atmosphere, you’d be part of the hustle-bustle among other people, who like you, also consider themselves infallible.
Who knows? This might lead you to imagine that you still have some of that papal mojo left. If so, you might consider joining the condo board, where you can enforce rules that make the Inquisition look progressive.
So, think about it, Your Holiness. There’s no reason to feel cast aside and too old for the world.
That’s why God made Florida.
Below are the right answers to the Babyboomer Game:
1. D – Wonder Bread
2. G – Cassius Clay
3. B – He Is us
4. A – Good night, Chet
5. G – When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D – Maynard G. Krebs
7. C – Pants on fire
8. F – The American Way
9. C – It’s Howdy Doody Time
10. E – Oh my
11. D – Over 30
12. C – Joe Namath
13. G – A little dab’ll do ya
14. G – On Blueberry Hill
15. B – Mary Martin
16. G – John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D – Who wrote the book of Love
18. B – Cause I eats me spinach
19. A – Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
20. F – Melt in your mouth not in your hand