Dragon Laffs #1313


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Welcome and Good Morning Campers!
Welcome to Saturday.
I’m at work right now, and typing this with the power of my mind in real time, as you are reading this.
I am thinking the words just seconds before you’re reading them.
This is the first time…
<…coffee is great.  Thanks.  I just have to finish…>
…and then the words just appear…
<…okay, grab your gasmasks and be prepared to…>
…get around the fact that this is amazingly…
<…uncomfortable and due to the new filters it is much easier to…>
…see how cool this magic really is.  So, without further ado, let’s…
<…ALARM RED, MOPP 4, ALARM RED MOPP 4!  MASK! MASK!…>
…Get ready to LAFF!!!
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The joke itself is pretty lame, but the picture at the end is worth a million!!

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing
through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.”

“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even
need a driver’s license anymore. 
“The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a
driver’s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut
the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
‘You won’t need this anymore,’ so I thanked him and left!”
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Didn’t I tell you it was adorable!

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Poetry1

A gourmet challenged me to eat
A tiny bit of rattlesnake meat.
Remarking, “Don’t look horror-stricken,
You’ll find it tastes a lot like chicken.”
It did.
Now chicken I cannot eat.
Because it tastes like rattlesnake meat!

– Ogden Nash

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Observations

After his retirement, the pope is going to remain in Vatican

City, but will have to vacate the papal living quarters.  You

can see more about that on an upcoming HGTV episode

of Househunters


North Korea successfully set off an underground nuclear blast

on Monday, alarming the neighboring South Koreans. They’re

totally out of luck. The last thing the Obama administration is

going to do is support the South during Black History Month.


Pope Benedict, 85, is resigning because of his failing health.

Too bad, says Larry King, he’s such a nice young man.

Actually there’s a special coincidence with this story.

The last Pope to resign, Gregory XII,  did so in 1415.  He

was one of the first interviewees on “Larry King Live”


NASA scientists warned that an asteroid will whiz past the

Earth. The last major collision occurred eons ago and killed

all the dinosaurs. We’re about to come within seventeen

thousand miles of finding out if white male Republicans

can be turned into oil.


CIA Director-designate John Brennan told his Senate confirmation

hearing that he’s opposed to waterboarding terrorists but he’s

completely in favor of drone strikes. You know how government

bureaucrats are. When you kill somebody you’re done with it, but

torture produces information and that just makes more work for

everybody.


Warren Buffett bought Heinz, paying twenty-eight billion for

the food company that makes beans, Ore-Ida fries and

Weight Watchers entrees. That’s diversity. No matter which

side of your New Year’s resolution you are on, it is money

in Warren Buffett’s pocket.


Nancy Pelosi said that she opposes a congressional pay cut

because a pay cut will undermine the dignity of the job. It’s

just like clockwork. It only takes two years after an Anthony

Weiner scandal before House Members are bragging about

their dignity again.


The first passenger lawsuit has been filed against Carnival

over “horrifying conditions” on the Carnival Triumph that

caught fire. Apparently those sharks seen circling the

crippled ship was just a legal team.


The Department of Labor has suspended new enrollment in

the Job Corps. The program trains young people to get in the

work force. Which pretty much these days means learning

how to operate a Slurpee machine.


A Michigan woman claims she didn’t know she was pregnant

until she gave birth to a 10 pound baby. How obese are we

getting when a baby bump is mistaken for just another roll of fat?

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Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.

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On Christmas eve, a burglar broke into the home of a lawyer.The thief took all the lawyer’s Christmas gifts from under the tree but left the packages for the wife and children alone.

As the criminal was leaving the house, he was caught by a policeman. He confessed to what he did but told the policeman that he couldn’t be arrested.

The policeman asked why, and the thief responded, “Because the law states that I’m entitled to the presents of an attorney.”

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Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of
emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure…

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

LOVE~~the most powerful force in the world.

A wise man once said …There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.

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A very interesting and highly topical video.  The difference between an assault rifle and a sporting rifle.

There is a TON of hits on this one, so it might not play all the way through for you at first.  Try coming back at a different time if it’s not working properly for you.  Trust me … sound like a politician now, don’t I? … trust me, it’s worth figuring out!

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Bake Sales
Coke
common
crossed
honesty

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Pun Queen

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
 
A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and less money than you thought you had. I said, “Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and more money than you thought you had.”
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
 
I applied to join a kinky sex club which specialized in ‘Water Sports’. They told me, “You’re in!”
 
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
Sodomy puns are sexual in ur endo.
 
The gay man took two aspirin with his Viagra so sex wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass.
 
What do a condom and a woman have in common? They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.
 
Garbage men come once a week.
 
“So at the end of our first date, he told me he wanted me for a friend.” “All right.” “Yeah, but on the second date, he brought the friend!”
 
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to stir gently, and firmly. You’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
 
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
 
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
 
I’ve decided to call our bathroom the “Jim” instead of the “John” It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the “Jim” every morning.
 
ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
 
They made a movie about my wife’s sex life, ‘The Night of the Living Dead’.
 
Never take a nurse as a lover. They’re taught to wait until the swelling goes down.
 
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She’s 25, and her name’s Kathy.

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Welcome to the Last Word.  Today’s pictorial special is entitled:
”Are you afraid of heights?”
Did you know that the fear of heights is called Acrophobia from the Greek meaning “peak, summit, edge”  and “fear”.  It is an extreme or irrational fear of heights.  Most people experience a degree of natural fear when exposed to heights, especially if there is little or no protection.  Those who are confident in such situations may be said to have a “head for heights.”
Acrophobia sufferers can experience a panic attack at a high place and become too agitated to get themselves down safely.  Between 2%-5% of the general population suffer from acrophobia, with twice as many women affected as men.
What do you think about these people?  Do you think they are acrophobic or that they have a head for heights? 

e1

I want to know how they got the picnic table up that high!

e3I wonder who delivered lunch?

e4High School gymnastics sure has gotten tough since my day.

e5People really weren’t happy when they moved the smoking section.

e7

“Whatcha doin’?”
”I don’t know, just hangin’ around.”

e8This is just the height of laziness.
or
When a nap attack occurs at the wrong time.

e9”…fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the American Way!”

e15And we end today with the incredible power of absolute human stupidity.  The only up side to this one is that the shallow end of the gene pool tends to be self correcting.  If this doesn’t end up killing him, odds are that something else will soon.
Very, very soon.

Have a great day

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1313

  1. Hank says:

    Loved the video explaining the difference between sporting and assault rifles. Once again we are being misled by politicians and the National News Media

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