When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the
devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, “Since Obama took over, the country has gone
to hell, so it’s a local call.
Okay, this next one is just wrong! JUST WRONG!!!
Now, I’m not crazy about Green Dragons either, but I am equally not crazy about Red Dragons. Green ones are just so snobby that they aren’t welcome at ANY of the Barbeques, they want…no, DEMAND that their virgin sacrifices are brought to them on a silver platter. and the RED ones, geez, they’re just mean. They raze villages just for the heck of it. Now…us Blue Dragons. Well, we like our virgins, but we don’t often eat them, at least not in the traditional sense. We like our fires, too…but normally we prefer the ones needed for a hog roast. We can be assholes, we just prefer not to be. Ah, well. Let’s move on.
Some of you may remember me mentioning my old pal Wheats…some of you may remember some of his scathing essays and rants. Well, he’s expanded to a little minor photoshoppery, but the words are still worth a million.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called “Cinco de Career-o.”
- The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen?
- The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you’re eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business.
- Chris Christie said to his fork, “Shut up or I’m going to switch to my friend — spoon.”
- It’s being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive version of their iPhone. They’re calling it a Samsung.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be “Faith in America’s Future.” Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”
- President Obama’s team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars.
- Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC’s White House comedy, “1600 Penn,” which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, “Why’s everyone looking at me?”
- New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It’s unclear if they’re talking about the 2013 governor’s race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest.
- Last night the Spice Girls musical debuted in London. So it turns out the Mayans were off by just a few weeks
- According to the Census Bureau, white people will not be the majority in the United States by the year 2043. So this is even more bad news for the National Hockey League.
- Scientists say that they have found evidence of cheese being made 7,500 years ago. The evidence was found in a 7-Eleven nacho bar.
A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read,
“Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7.Sorry. No sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is rigged, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.
Hello again campers. My Last Word today was going to be about my surgery on Monday, but after having finished the rest of this, my pain level is way too high and I must call it a night.
So, I’m going to end this here and try and do a short bit about my surgery sometime prior to Monday. May you all be well and have a great weekend.
Cheers, my friends