Good Morning Campers! It’s another beautiful day in our neighborhood! I’ve got the day off (the first one in I don’t know HOW many days), my daughter and her family are coming over…at least that’s the plan so far…and I get to play with Grandbabies!, The weather shouldn’t be horrible, 50°F for the high, but no chance of precipitation, so that’s good. (Although I’m as sure as I am a dragon that the friggin’ wind will blow like a … well … let’s not go there, this is a family e-zine, after all. Anyway, it’ll be windy.
And then on Sunday, my littlest dragon is going to a birthday party at a bowling alley where all the kids and the adults are going to bowl, so THAT ought to be interesting. If you don’t count the Wii, I haven’t bowling since … um … since I was stationed at Spangdahlem AB in Germany, where the Gun Shop, where I worked, had it’s own team. I hesitate to tell you how long ago that was, but to give you a general idea, my thirty-something daughter (yes, the one who is bringing over the grandbabies, not the one going to the birthday party on Sunday) was born over there. So, it’s been a little while.
Also, going on this weekend, for some of you, anyway, it’s Daylight Savings Time again! Sunday morning, at 0100 hrs, through the magic of technology, we time travel one hour into the future. That’s right, at 12:59:59 am, with the next click of the second hand, it becomes 2:00:00! Now, if that’s not amazing time travel then I don’t know what is! The oddest thing though, most of the clocks don’t time travel with everything else, so you will have to manually switch your ancient time pieces ahead one hour. Either do it when you get up Sunday morning or, my suggestion, set them ahead before you go to bed at night. Whichever it is, the long and the short of it is we are being ripped off of one of our weekend hours! It’s not fair!
Oh well…speaking of time, it seems to me that it’s time for us to get our grin on! So…
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by Lethal Leprechaun. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in Dragon Laffs…
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my bookie last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
The inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
His/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
Access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
Wow, that’s not anywhere near fair! I’ve got like 5 more layers of recordings to get through before I ever reach Lethal!
Some Universal Thoughts from K²
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
You know, we’ve been accused so many times of bashing Obama, Democrats, Liberals and the like…even though to our way of thinking we are bashing liars, idiots, people without honor or integrity and politicians in general (but I repeat myself)…that I’m going to give the pundits out there an opportunity to rightfully complain with this very rare picture of the only time you will ever see a Muslim kissing a pig:
and so you don’t think that I’m the only one who feels like things aren’t going the way the people of this country feel they should be going, here’s an ad that was put in the paper by a doctor in the Panama City News Herald on 5 Feb 12:
and just because it fits in so well with the other two, here’s a political cartoon that explains the whole thing in a nice neat little package:
Oh my goodness!
What was that horrendous crash??!!
Was that the sound of the economy crashing through the ceiling and crushing us under an unbearable burden?
Now, by all means, light up the comments box!
If you think we are bashing, just to bash, with no reason or basis for doing so, then by all means, let us know. AND if you agree that not enough noise is being made by the people who’ve reached Popeye level then PLEASE, write in the comments section and raise your voice LOUD!
I am so to the point that I’ve had all I can stand and I can’t stand any more…just like the movie “Network”…I’m mad as hell…
An Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come
down to two finalists:
A) The university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal man.
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word
and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.
The word they were given on this occasion was ‘ TIMBUKTU ‘.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination – Timbuktu ..
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
The old aboriginal man calmly made his way to the microphone and
Me and Tim a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ..
The aboriginal man won.
This is fantastic! I want to live in this world!!! May I live long enough to see stuff like this come to pass! This IS the future:
And the same day…expanded with Glass 2
And here it is, broken down and explained. If you are as enamored of all this as I am, this one is the piece de resistance
Hilarious, if you get it…if you don’t, go on line to youtube.com and do a search for “cowbell” and “Saturday Night Live” and then you’ll get it.
Today’s Last Word comes to us from Frank J. Fleming…by way of regular camper Jeannie. Thanks for sharing this tongue in cheek article called:
It’s Time To Fix the Bill of Rights
Last Updated: 11:59 PM, March 2, 2012
Posted: 10:23 PM, March 2, 2012
So the Senate has voted down the effort to undo President Obama’s quite reasonable mandate that all employers have to pay for their employees’ contraception. I was shocked that there was a dispute about this — especially because of “religious objections.” Who knew that was still a thing?
Even worse, when I dug out a copy of the revered Bill of Rights to show someone how it guarantees everyone a right to contraception, I found no mention of that right!
In fact, the Bill of Rights doesn’t guarantee anything people need — not food, shelter or even broadband internet. The only things it mentions are a few nebulous rights of absolutely no market value. It’s rather pointless, really.
Why was the Bill of Rights thought out so poorly? It turns out it was written by these “Founding Fathers” long, long ago, in a much more primitive time. I’m pretty sure their first meeting to draft it was broken up by a woolly mammoth attack.
So it’s no wonder the Bill of Rights looks like it was written by a crazed, right-wing militia member living in an isolated compound. It’s all “Government can’t tell me to do this” and “Government can’t make me do that” and “I want to have guns.”
Obviously, we’re much more sophisticated now. We aren’t like the Founding Fathers, with their primitive fear of government and thunder. We need to update this silly, archaic Bill of Rights, which puts all this emphasis on “freedom” with no mention of the much more important “free stuff.” If we don’t act, other countries will make fun of us for it — and who wants to be tittered at by Belgium?
We want a strong government that guarantees us all the things we need, and we should have a new Bill of Rights that reflects that.
I propose that we have a meeting of all the great minds (college professors, A-list Hollywood actors, people who watch “Downton Abbey”) to list everything people need — basics like food, transportation, and smart phones.
The first section — the “free stuff” section — of the new Bill of Rights will guarantee that everyone gets all these essentials. After that can come the “freedom” section of less useful rights that don’t actually give you anything, like freedom of speech (but let’s leave out the one about guns — they’re dangerous; people will shoot their eyes out).
And the brain trust will make it clear that if the “freedom” section ever conflicts with the “free stuff” part, then “free stuff” wins out.
We should also have a big blank space between the two sections, so we can fill in more things as we realize people need them (as happened with modern contraceptives; those didn’t used to exist, and now we know everyone needs those). For instance, maybe in the future there will be great robot butlers, and we’ll want to make sure everyone can have them.
And if we fill up the blanks but need to add more “free stuff,” we can always erase some of the “freedoms” to make more room. Goodbye, freedom of religion — hello, free hoverboards!
This way we’ll have some real, tangible rights. And if we ever have a shortage of anything people have a right to, we can force some of those silly “religious objectors” to go to work and manufacture whatever we need.
There certainly won’t be anything in the new Bill of Rights to keep people from being forced to do what they don’t want — especially if it’s to protect someone else’s rights.
Frank J. Fleming is a political humorist.
Have a wonderful weekend my friends!