Good Morning Campers… Saturday? It is Saturday, right? I’m sorry if I seem a little bleary this morning, Lethal Leprechaun has been renting space out in my head for multiple voices and personalities and we had a huge influx last night. We were all up very late moving them all in and getting them all settled. I think he over did it a little, it’s pretty crowded in here now. Plus, there’s a whole group of them inhabiting a space that was supposed to be for one…I’m pretty sure they’re illegals. I think I may have to talk to an exorcist to get them evicted.
(Hey! Pipe down! I’m workin’ here!)
They’re really noisy, too.
Okay, listen, you campers go ahead and start in on today’s issue of Dragon Laffs
(No, you don’t get control of the dragon! EVER!)
Anyway, go ahead and start on today’s issue and I’m going to go get an Icee and drink it real fast to give myself brain freeze to discipline these voices and try to get a little order going in here. I’ll catch up with you later.
I’m told you have to be from Wisconsin to really get this joke. Well, I’m not from Wisconsin and I think it’s funny just the same.
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so. It’s an 18 hour drive.”
“Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
“Oh Dad,” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington …
“Honey,” Dad complains, “You know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer?”
The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.”
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s dad and mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States
The Senator whispers back, “You bet I do.”
Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”
Somebody dug up an old baby picture of mine. That’s me with my pet boy. We had lots of fun when I was just a wee dragon. I was probably, oh, I don’t know, only 30 or 40 years old there. Fun times.
Lethal Leprechaun, whom we all know is a married Irishman, went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
Lethal said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’
The Leprechaun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
Lethal replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
Just one more example of how LL got to be as rich as he is.
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
Puns by Diaman…
But for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
Two astronauts who were dating put an end to it because they both needed their space.
“When the automatic gas pumps ask me to select a grade I usually give a B for quality and an F for pricing.”
The Baseball Umpire Union felt safe in calling more strikes.
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re beautiful.’ Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re cute.’ The wife was disappointed because instead of ‘beautiful,’ it was now ‘cute.’
She asked, ‘What happened to beautiful?’
The man replied, ‘The drugs are wearing off.’
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘Do you know a Lethal Leprechaun?’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Wife: ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied, ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.‘
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. ‘Your horse phoned’
Brilliant marketing idea by Carlsberg Beer! Read the short article then watch the video at the end.
Sorry, excuse me!
- The University of Chicago is hosting an academic conference called “Jersey Shore Studies.” Meanwhile in Korea, students are learning something called “math.”
The worst case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) ever seen!
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex!
Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her…
Today’s Last Word…starts out with an email I received and my comments are at the end. I’m sure you’ll be able to tell the difference.
This was sent to me, I am forwarding it because it does touch a nerve in me..
This is another example of what Rick Perry called
“TREASON in high places” !!!
Get angry and pass this on!
Remember, not only did you contribute to Social Security but your employer did too. It totaled 15% of your income before taxes. If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that’s close to $220,500.
If you calculate the future value of $4,500 per year (yours & your employer’s contribution) at a simple 5% (less than what the govt. pays on the money that it borrows), after 49 years of working you’d have $892,919.98.
If you took out only 3% per year, you’d receive $26,787.60 per year and it would last better than 30 years (until you’re 95 if you retire at age 65) and that’s with no interest paid on that final amount on deposit! If you bought an annuity and it paid 4% per year, you’d have a lifetime income of $2,976.40 per month.
The folks in Washington have pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madhoff ever had.
Entitlement my ass, I paid cash for my social security insurance!!!! Just because they borrowed (stole) the money, doesn’t make my benefits some kind of charity or handout!!
Congressional benefits —- free healthcare, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days, now that’s welfare, and they have the nerve to call my social security retirement entitlements?
We’re “broke” and can’t help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless
In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey . And now Pakistan ……home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!
Our retired seniors living on a ‘fixed income’ receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour Hundreds of Billions of $$$$$$’s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!
They call Social Security and Medicare an entitlement even though most of us have been paying for it all our working lives and now when it’s time for us to collect, the government is running out of money. Why did the government borrow (steal) from it in the first place? Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave ‘US’ the same support they give to other countries.
I included the above first so that would let you know what I read that started me thinking about different things.
The above article about social security is accurate in as far as it goes, but there’s so much more. There are states that are trying to do something about the problem of illegal aliens and the administration is doing all it can to shut them down at every turn. Entitling them to my hard earned money (and I’M the greedy one?)
There are families that make a career out of living on welfare; year after year after year, passing it down from parents to children; the family business; making NO effort to make their own way in the world. And our administration is doing virtually nothing to stop it. Even when a state wants to enact law that says they have to have a drug test, which we ALL know is of overwhelming support by the people (the people who are working for the money, not the ones with their hands out) and the administration is blocking it, saying that’s it’s unfair and biased. Geez, doesn’t seem unfair and biased when my employer hands me a little cup and tells me to fill it so I can MAKE the money. (and I’M the greedy one!)
Let’s see what else we can take away from these greedy bastards who are willing to work for a living and give it to the good, honest, upstanding citizens who, due to their poor circumstances in life, can’t fend for themselves. I know! Full digital cable (all the channels of course) and cell phones, they need cell phones! And if my cable gets shut off or my cell phone because I’m trying to make ends meet….well, like my president said, maybe it’s because the car I’m driving isn’t fuel efficient enough!
I’m so sick and tired of all these hypocritical asses (on both sides of the aisle campers!) more worried about catering to who’s got the most votes than what’s RIGHT … it makes me sick!
A year plus away from the next election and we have an absentee president because he’s too busy campaigning! Is this the HOPE and CHANGE YOU voted for?
They may have voted him in, but it’s going to be up to all of us to get our asses out of this fix we are in. I hope you are all paying attention.