Dragon Laffs #1243


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Tresspasser2_thumb1_thumb_thumb_thum[2]Good Morning Campers… Saturday?  It is Saturday, right?  I’m sorry if I seem a little bleary this morning, Lethal Leprechaun has been renting space out in my head for multiple voices and personalities and we had a huge influx last night.  We were all up very late moving them all in and getting them all settled.  I think he over did it a little, it’s pretty crowded in here now.  Plus, there’s a whole group of them inhabiting a space that was supposed to be for one…I’m pretty sure they’re illegals.  I think I may have to talk to an exorcist to get them evicted.
(Hey!  Pipe down!  I’m workin’ here!)
They’re really noisy, too.
Okay, listen, you campers go ahead and start in on today’s issue of Dragon Laffs
(No, you don’t get control of the dragon!  EVER!)
Sorry…
Anyway, go ahead and start on today’s issue and I’m going to go get an Icee and drink it real fast to give myself brain freeze to discipline these voices and try to get a little order going in here.  I’ll catch up with you later.
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I’m told you have to be from Wisconsin to really get this joke.  Well, I’m not from Wisconsin and I think it’s funny just the same. 

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin.  A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so.  It’s an 18 hour drive.”
“Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One.  And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know.  Everybody will be so fancy.  What would your mother wear?”
“Oh Dad,” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington
“Honey,” Dad complains, “You know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer?”
The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Dad.  The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington.  I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.”
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s dad and mom.  Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States
The Senator whispers back, “You bet I do.”
Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”


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Boy and Toy

Somebody dug up an old baby picture of mine.  That’s me with my pet boy.  We had lots of fun when I was just a wee dragon.  I was probably, oh, I don’t know, only 30 or 40 years old there.  Fun times.


Yu Muroga was doing his job making deliveries when the 11 March 2011 earthquake hit in Japan .
Unaware, like many people in the area, of how far inland the Tsunami would travel, he continued to drive and do his job. The HD camera mounted on his dashboard captured not only the earthquake, but also the moment he and several other drivers were suddenly engulfed in the Tsunami. He escaped from the vehicle seconds before it was crushed by other debris and sunk underwater. His car and the camera have only recently been recovered by the police. The camera was heavily damaged but a video expert was able to retrieve this footage.


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Lethal Leprechaun, whom we all know is a married Irishman, went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’ 

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ 

Lethal said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’ 

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’ 

The Leprechaun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’ 

Lethal replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’ 

Just one more example of how LL got to be as rich as he is.


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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’ 
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’ 

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’ 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’ 

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’ 

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’ 


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Puns by Diaman…

But for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

Two astronauts who were dating put an end to it because they both needed their space.

“When the automatic gas pumps ask me to select a grade I usually give a B for quality and an F for pricing.”

  The Baseball Umpire Union felt safe in calling more strikes.

When the general went to bed, his pillow became his head quarters.
 
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
 
You know what happens after you miss math class? It starts adding up.
 
A good mystery is bound to have a novel ending.
 

I was once camping in the mountains, when it rained. I had to runoff.
 
When it comes to helping you out I will stop at nothing.
 
Purchasing tires made me aware of inflationary pressures.


696a


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re beautiful.’ Then he fell asleep again. 

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re cute.’ The wife was disappointed because instead of ‘beautiful,’ it was now ‘cute.’ 

She asked, ‘What happened to beautiful?’ 

The man replied, ‘The drugs are wearing off.’ 


696b


Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’ 

‘It is!’ 

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’ 

‘I can!’ 

‘Do you know a Lethal Leprechaun?’ 

‘I do!’ 

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’ 

‘He is!’ 

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’ 

‘He will.’ 


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Marriage Humor 

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ 

Husband: Nothing. 

Wife: ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ 

Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’ 

——————————- 

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’ 

Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’ 

Wife: ‘Yes or no.’ 

——————————————————– 

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’ 

Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’ 

Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’ 

—————————— 
Son: 
‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’ 

Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ 

Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’ 

________________________________ 

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ 

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’ 

———————————————————— 

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’ 

————————————————————————

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

‘What was that for?’ the man asked.

The wife replied, ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. 

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. ‘Your horse phoned’


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Brilliant marketing idea by Carlsberg Beer!  Read the short article then watch the video at the end.

http://www.simplyzesty.com/advertising-and-marketing/carlsberg-pull-brilliant-guerrilla-marketing-stunt-in-cinema/


705

Yeah, yeah, another stereotyping joke about dragons.  Real friggin’ funny! Like we’re all so dumb that we set ourselves on fire.  Very Funny!
(hiccup!)

dragon Fire
Sorry, excuse me!

  • The University of Chicago is hosting an academic conference called “Jersey Shore Studies.” Meanwhile in Korea, students are learning something called “math.”

Jimmy Kimmel


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John Cleese

let me guess

Motivational Funny Kid


The worst case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) ever seen!

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.  Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex!
Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her…


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Today’s Last Word…starts out with an email I received and my comments are at the end.  I’m sure you’ll be able to tell the difference.

This was sent to me, I am forwarding it because it does touch a nerve in me..
This is another example of what Rick Perry called
“TREASON in high places” !!!

Get angry and pass this on!

Remember, not only did you contribute to Social Security but your employer did too. It totaled 15% of your income before taxes. If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that’s close to $220,500.
 
If you calculate the future value of $4,500 per year (yours & your employer’s contribution) at a simple 5% (less than what the govt. pays on the money that it borrows), after 49 years of working you’d have $892,919.98.

 

If you took out only 3% per year, you’d receive $26,787.60 per year and it would last better than 30 years (until you’re 95 if you retire at age 65) and that’s with no interest paid on that final amount on deposit! If you bought an annuity and it paid 4% per year, you’d have a lifetime income of $2,976.40 per month.
 
The folks in Washington have pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madhoff ever had.

Entitlement my ass, I paid cash for my social security insurance!!!! Just because they borrowed (stole) the money, doesn’t make my benefits some kind of charity or handout!!
 
Congressional benefits —- free healthcare, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days, now that’s welfare, and they have the nerve to call my social security retirement entitlements?

We’re “broke” and can’t help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless

In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey . And now Pakistan ……home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!

Our retired seniors living on a ‘fixed income’ receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour Hundreds of Billions of $$$$$$’s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!

They call Social Security and Medicare an entitlement even though most of us have been paying for it all our working lives and now when it’s time for us to collect, the government is running out of money. Why did the government borrow (steal) from it in the first place? Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave ‘US’ the same support they give to other countries.

I included the above first so that would let you know what I read that started me thinking about different things.

The above article about social security is accurate in as far as it goes, but there’s so much more.  There are states that are trying to do something about the problem of illegal aliens and the administration is doing all it can to shut them down at every turn.  Entitling them to my hard earned money (and I’M the greedy one?)

There are families that make a career out of living on welfare; year after year after year, passing it down from parents to children; the family business; making NO effort to make their own way in the world. And our administration is doing virtually nothing to stop it. Even when a state wants to enact law that says they have to have a drug test, which we ALL know is of overwhelming support by the people (the people who are working for the money, not the ones with their hands out) and the administration is blocking it, saying that’s it’s unfair and biased.  Geez, doesn’t seem unfair and biased when my employer hands me a little cup and tells me to fill it so I can MAKE the money.  (and I’M the greedy one!)

Let’s see what else we can take away from these greedy bastards who are willing to work for a living and give it to the good, honest, upstanding citizens who, due to their poor circumstances in life, can’t fend for themselves.  I know!  Full digital cable (all the channels of course) and cell phones, they need cell phones!  And if my cable gets shut off or my cell phone because I’m trying to make ends meet….well, like my president said, maybe it’s because the car I’m driving isn’t fuel efficient enough!

I’m so sick and tired of all these hypocritical asses (on both sides of the aisle campers!) more worried about catering to who’s got the most votes than what’s RIGHT … it makes me sick!

A year plus away from the next election and we have an absentee president because he’s too busy campaigning!  Is this the HOPE and CHANGE YOU voted for?

They may have voted him in, but it’s going to be up to all of us to get our asses out of this fix we are in.  I hope you are all paying attention.

Impish

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13 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1243

  1. paul says:

    KEEP YOUR POWDER DRY

  2. Have an acquaintence who worked the polls for the last presidental election. She said she was “terrified”, and that she believes nearly every polling rule was broken. The voters in the princinct she worked were followed from the sign-in table to the poll-booth and told who to vote for, and all of the poll workers were afraid they would get beaten up if they picked up their mobiles to call the election officials.

    I’m wondering how many other city polling areas that took place in. We can show up in masses to vote with our brains, but when the Obama supporters are strong-arming voters in inner-city areas, I’m thinking we might be outnumbered again.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      We might be out numbered Angelia but luckily we’re more or less Conservatives which means we’re not out gunned! May well be time for a 2nd American Revolution/Civil War if we get another 4 years of this crap!

      • I attended a tea party in Fort Worth couple of years ago, mostly to listen to some interesting guest speakers, and to support Debra Medina, who was running for governor. I think the number in attendance was 23,000. Debra Medina was the only candidate who showed up for the event. Rick Perry & Kay B.H. sent a tent with campaign workers.

        Other than the speakers, the most impressive thing about the event was that it poured rain, allllll day. And yet, even in the downpour, loads and loads of veterans showed up anyway. Many were old enough to be my grandparents, or even older than that, vets standing, vets in wheel chairs, vets on oxygen – packing their portable tanks. They ignored the rain and stood their ground, and danggg …. I’d have rather been there seeing them than anywhere else I could think of to be. It was one of the biggest privileges I’ve ever had.

        I overheard chitter-chatter at the tents about exactly what you’ve mentioned, Lethal, Revolution and Civil War. Those talking about it said that those of us who want to maintain our freedoms are being pushed towards it every day, and that government is hoping that’s what will happen, and then they can call in the UN military forces and mow us down where we stand. Sounds terrible, but I’m continuing to develop a MUCH bigger appreciation for Patrick Henry’s attitude.

        By the way …. my new Dragon Laffs mug looks great on my desk. 🙂

  3. Dan from NYC says:

    Fun issue and I agree on the SS Last Word. We keep getting told that it isn’t making payments to non-contributors but I say hogwash! They have treated our Social Security funds like they were general funds and spent them away. Just the other day California passed it’s Dream Act legitimizing aid to illegals. Medi-Cal is just an Orwellian Newspeak re-branding of Medicaid in California. 62% of all funds spent by the program over the last two years came from the money we sent to Washington in the first place. I expect we’ll be on the hook for this new Moonbat B.S. as well.

    So now that these jackwads have left us nothing but vouchers they can’t pay so they have to borrow from China to pay the debt they already owe us. Since that is a real “Inconvenient Truth” now – after all these years – they want to play that Newspeak crap and re-brand the retirement fund that they took before we got one penny of our earnings so they can claim it was never intended as that and we were just imagining it all.

    Most of us will fall for it because we can’t process the fact that the American government sees us as expendable pawns so the misunderstanding is all ours. It’s all BS and either we stand for the truth or we will fall from their lies.

    Vote very carefully in 2012 but stock up. We’re in for a very rough ride.

    • impishdragon says:

      Tom,
      I’m flattered … er … um … I mean horrified, sir, just HORRIFIED that you confused me, a tall, regal, honorable dragon, with that short, green, curmudgeonly leprechaun! By my mother’s pancakes, man! We’re not even the same color!
      But seriously, I understand the reference you made as to the validity of our social security payments actually being for our retirement and that there is no guarantee… however, having the Supreme Court bless the theft of our funds makes it neither “right” nor “honorable”. Taking money from those that work, and giving it to them that won’t is wrong.
      And Dan, I agree…California is already broke….beyond broke…and they are going to pass a Dream Act making it legal to give our money to illegals? Where the hell is THAT money supposed to come from? Through the changing of a few hands, it will be our money, monies gathered from the entire country, that will pay for this program….it’s the first toe-hold to grant voting status to the millions of illegals who drain our economy.
      We need to take our country back people!
      Vote with your brains in 2012!
      We can’t take 4 more years of this B.S.!

  4. theginster says:

    Anoher great issues! I particulary liked the Last Word…and copied and pasted to send to all that I know feel the same way. Hope and Change my a$$….

  5. Tom says:

    Sorry Lethal, but I must point out at least one error in the Last Word, one that is so commonly expressed and yet such a glaring error that I can’t let it pass. In 1960, in Flemming v Nestor, the Supreme Court ruled that Social Security is neither an entitlement (as I understand the term, it would mean that the recipient has a legal right to it), nor an insurance system. Nor is it to be treated in the same way as an annuity, with recipients receiving a guaranteed payout over their lifetimes without fear of changes.

    The court ruled that there is no inherent right to receive money paid into the system at all, that Congress has the right to increase, decrease, or otherwise modify the terms of the payments and program and may do so legally at will. Four justices joined in that without further comment, but Justice Felix Frankfurter went further and called Social Security system a “social welfare plan” with the tacit agreement of the rest of the majority. If they had objected, he could not have added that statement to the majority opinion.

    Further, I have recently read that the writers of the Social Security program stated at that time that they did not believe that it would be acceptable to the Supreme Court as being a constitutional law, and fully expected the Supreme Court to rule against it. Apparently the threat of increasing the number of members of the Court had it’s desired effect since the majority of the New Deal legislation that reached the top court after that time was allowed to stand.

    So in my opinion, here’s a fix for the SS system. We set a sunset date and end the program altogether for persons born after that date. No further enrollments in Social Security, same with Medicare, end both programs since both are being paid from general tax revenues, and if you’ve ever paid your own SS tax from self-employment, you know it goes not into a special fund for SS but directly to the IRS. Pay for the system with the same general revenues that are collected in all taxes, and as the population ages and the recipients die out of the system, use the eventual savings to pay down the government debt. There are enough private retirement plans to make sure anyone who works and saves (401k, IRA, Roth IRA, etc) should be able to provide for his/her own retirement. And just maybe, without government mandates, the cost of health insurance could become more affordable, making the free market do it’s job. But as long as the feds, and the states as well, are involved in requiring and or paying the insurance, the free market is non-existent and costs will continue to rise

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Tom~

      Seriously? Do I LOOK like I have bat wings a lizard tail and breathe fire?

      Am I 30 tons or 3’0″ in height?

      Do I post on Saturdays or Wednesdays?

      Do I speak with a brouge or belch fire?

      Seriously? You can’t tell me from Impish? Seriously?

      The header at the top of the page and the commentary being labeled ‘Last Word’ vs “Lethal’s Parting Shot” is not a dead give away which one of us authored the issue? Seriously?

      Dude I’m sorry to say I think your sun already set a while back.

  6. lethalleprechaun says:

    VOTE DRAGON-LEPRECHAUN 2012!
    Because seriously folks how much more
    could 2 mythical patriotic creatures POSSIBLY
    screw this country up? Seriosuly, what have you
    got to lose?

  7. Danny says:

    Good stuff, Guys. i look forward to every issue.I especially like the blurb on Social Security. Keep ’em coming.

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