OK settle down and quityerbloodybitchin already! As you bloody well were!

If you’d kindly give me a second to explain before jumping to conclusions, those of you who thought this was going to be one of “those” issues where we whine about the sagging ratings, the lack of reader participation except by a core few, the lack of ANY sales at the Dragonlaffs store other than for the initial sales of our Sept 11th mug (which speaking of you have exactly 6 days from today to purchase before it is removed permanently from the store and all graphics destroyed   or that I was going to bemoan the current state of affairs political or economic in the U.S.A. are all bloody well way off the mark!

 This issue has literally gone to the dogs! I get so many e~mails in my inbox with animal related material that I decided to make a canine~centric themed issue to get rid of the best of it.

Ya ken the meaning o’ me banners now?

Geeze! I’ve seem less jumping to unsupported conclusions and going off half cocked out of the liberally biased media after a possible Republican candidate makes a slightly ambiguous statement!

Coffee May Prevent Depression

Women who drink two or more cups of coffee each day are less at risk of depression, according to a team of researchers at the Harvard Medical School. The study analyzed data from 51,000 women who participated in the Nurses’ Health Study from 1996 until 2006. During that period, 2,607 cases of depression were diagnosed; women who drank two or more cups of coffee a day, however, reported 20 percent fewer cases of depression—and the risk of depression fell with each additional cup of coffee she drank. Still, the study’s author advises women to not begin drinking more caffeine: More study is needed, he says, and very high caffeine levels can increase anxiety.

Read it at The New York Times September 27, 2011 6:37 AM

How many dogs does it take to……

These are the answers from dogs when asked “How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?”

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

The Perfect Day

His dog was dying. But they could spend one last day together.

By Jon Katz|Updated Thursday, Sept. 29, 2011, at 2:41 AM ET  This is excerpted from Jon Katz’s new book, Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die.

 It is possible to take something beautiful and lasting out of the heart-wrenching experience of seeing the animal you love move inexorably toward death. Nobody can take the grief away, nor should anyone try, but our love for animals is nothing but a gift, and it keeps on giving, even when they go home.

A man named Harry, an Iraq war veteran and tennis coach from Minnesota, hit upon a simple and profound idea to transform this otherwise sad experience into a blessed one.

It was a gray morning when the vet told Harry that his dog Duke’s heart was failing and that it wouldn’t be long before he died. Harry was not surprised, but still, the news depressed him. Listening to the vet, Harry later told me, he’d gotten an idea, one he thought would pay tribute to his life with Duke and give him something to feel besides sadness and loss.

“Tomorrow, I’m going to give you a Perfect Day,” he said quietly to Duke as they left the vet’s office. He would take the day off from work and create a sweet memory with his dog. It would be a special day, filled with all the things Duke loved most, as close to perfect as Harry could make it. He would take his Canon PowerShot along to capture some images of the day, to preserve the memories.

Read the reminder (with a full box of tissues) here: http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/heavy_petting/2011/09/the_perfect_day.html?GT1=38001

Sorrys! You hab use all da tissues! Dis my apartment now!

Ponderings for Idle Moments

– Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
– Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
– How come abbreviated is such a long word?
– If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
– Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
– Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
– Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
– If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
– When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
– Do fish get cramps after eating?

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

At last I can finally utter the phrase “WOW! will ya look at the SIZE of those melons” without being thought of as being sexist or degrading to women!

(Ok you’re totally right…that has nothing to do with Dogs. I just HAD to beat Impish to using the picture and making an off color comment plain and simple.)

When Good Dogs Go and Crossbreed

Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes (a favorite of politicians and weather forecasters)

Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly  (a favorite of cable news people)

Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller =
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed (another favorite of politicians)

The following ad appeared in a newspaper:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE

SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love: long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, riding in your pickup truck, fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call 555-2121 and ask for Daisy.

(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)

TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the ” Chrysler Beagle”?
Dear God: If a! dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 . I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it! up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.
8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Instructions for properly hugging a baby

(from a dog’s point of view):

1. First, uh, find a baby.

2. Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby, by employing classic sniffing
techniques.

3. Next, you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

4. The ‘paw slide’ = Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented ‘hug, smile, and lean’ so
as to achieve the best photo quality.

“Dog Haiku”

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts – I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy – come to kill us all –
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend – come to kill us all –
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader – come to kill all –
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man – come to kill all –
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor’s cat – come to kill all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot –
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain –
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot – no greater bliss – well,
Maybe catching cats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

Dig under fence – why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more – I call
Them a vocation.

My owners’ mood is
Romantic – I lie near their
Feet. I blow a big one.

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: “Because no one else will do it for them!”

Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

 I said the issue was not ABOUT the country going to the dogs. I never said I could not work a comment on the fact into a dog themed issue!

Dog property laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
BATH : If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous, and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!,” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require … especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.
CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

Mexican drug lords decry U.S. prison conditions

At least one judge agrees that some of the confinements are too harsh for crime bosses

By DANE SCHILLER, HOUSTON CHRONICLE Updated 12:18 a.m., Friday, September 30, 2011

Big-league Mexican drug traffickers imprisoned in the United States are contending that unnecessarily harsh conditions – locked up alone in ultra-high-security confinement – take a physical and psychological toll and may violate U.S.-Mexico extradition treaties.

The courthouse pleadings for relief come from men who cut their teeth and made their names in a criminal underworld that has carried out unheard of levels of brutality in Mexico, including murder by beheading, mutilation, hanging and massacre.

But at least one U.S. federal judge on Thursday conceded the claims have some merit. He ordered that Jesus Vicente Zambada Niebla, whose father runs the Sinaloa Cartel, a criminal syndicate in which Zambada was a ranking member, should be let out of his cell for outdoor recreation time on a roof top.

As Zambada waits to see if he’ll face trial, he has been largely confined to a windowless 10-by-6-foot cell for “18 months of isolation without seeing the sun or breathing fresh air,” contended his lawyers in a request to the judge. He and others admittedly are part of cartels that for decades have pushed tons of cocaine and marijuana into this country, and they have been sent to a U.S. justice system that is far tougher than that of Mexico.

“The word on the street in the United States is you can’t bribe your way out of prison or bribe your way into better living conditions,” said former Houston-based federal prosecutor Mark W. White III. “In other places, it might not be as uncomfortable.”

Such high-profile prisoners have many enemies, and officials have said they are kept in isolation to ensure their security. Zambada, for example, contends he should not be prosecuted because while trafficking, he served as an informant for U.S. agents by giving them the cartel’s intelligence on rivals.

Bureau of Prisons spokeswoman Traci Billingsly said the length of a prisoner’s sentence, as well as any history of violence and escapes, are among the factors considered when determining where and how they should be held.

In the supermax

Also, a federal appeals court in California is deciding whether it is legal to automatically hold Jesus Hector “El Guero” Palma Salazar, one of the Sinaloa Cartel’s founders, in isolated custody at the so-called supermax prison in Colorado.

“Supermax confinement is arguably in violation of international standards and numerous international treaties, many of which have been signed by Mexico,” his lawyers said in an appeal that was heard last month. Their argument is based on the premise that Mexico might have refused extradition if officials knew the cruel conditions prisoners would face.

The lawyers further say he is being kept there based on unproven allegations of murder and other crimes in Mexico, not on any misconduct in the United States.

They point to a Federal Bureau of Prisons notice that says Palma was placed in supermax because in Mexico he was involved in numerous acts of extortion, corruption of public officials and murders as well as ordering the slayings of a rival gang member’s children in retaliation for the murder of his own wife and children.

Additionally, the notice said that keeping Palma in any prison less than a supermax would pose a threat to safety.

Former Gulf Cartel boss Osiel Cardenas Guillen, who was extradited from Mexico to Houston in 2007 to face trial, was shuttled between a variety of state and federal facilities – always kept away from other prisoners.

Without public explanation earlier this year, Cardenas, a citizen of Mexico, was moved from a federal penitentiary in Florida to the same supermax where Palma is held.

Tables turned

In some rare instances, U.S.-style security is being used in Mexico for high-profile prisoners, said Houston lawyer Kent Schaffer, who is representing Edgar “La Barbie” Valdez, a Texan who reputedly rose to the top ranks of a Mexican cartel.

Valdez is under heavy guard and being kept alone as he waits to see if he’ll be sent to the United States to face trafficking charges.

He’s rarely let out and is only allowed to read the Bible, Schaffer said.

“Personally, I think it is just a matter of time until he gets worn down,” Schaffer said. “You can just imagine the effect it has on somebody being cooped up in there.”

Schaffer, said his time in isolation made him almost unrecognizable.

“It was horrible. For the first couple of weeks, he was fine. After that, he was a totally different person, and it all started with solitary,” Schaffer said. “Can you imagine what it’d be like to be locked up all day like that for weeks or months or years?”

Oh Lord! WHERE to even BEGIN with this load of DOG POO!

Lets start with that last thought first,

“It was horrible. For the first couple of weeks, he was fine. After that, he was a totally different person, and it all started with solitary,” Schaffer said. “Can you imagine what it’d be like to be locked up all day like that for weeks or months or years?”

Gee I don’t know, lemme think a second, maybe SLIGHTLY like being addicted to the chemical filth Valdez peddled across the border into the US? If he is only suffer what a single one of his victims is suffering then he is getting off too damned easy!

These people command armies of criminals and are the CEOs of vast drug empires and a host of other criminal activities. They continue to organize direct the actions of and continue to head these organizations from inside prison with only a modicum of difficulty. Being incarcerated and isolated within a Supermax prevents this from occurring and protects those who are responsible for trying these criminals, as well as the witnesses, their families and the jurors from reprisals. IF they think this is too harsh a price to pay for their actions, I say its apparently not harsh enough as its not deterring them or those who replace them from those actions.

They’re unhappy that the prisons are run by American standards and with bribable American guards? TOO DAMNED BAD FOR THEM! Mexico doesn’t approve of us putting the screws to those who have been putting it to us for decades? SAME ANSWER. In fact, find those Mexican nay sayers and securitize their bank accounts and life styles. I’m betting you’ll find extraneous sources of revenue not consistent with their jobs or positions. Then toss them in the Supermax too. If the Mexican government and Law Enforcement hand ANY integrity at all, the US would not be stuck cleaning up their mess and dealing with their criminals because of the crimes they commit on our soil and the chemical filth and misery they continually inflict on our people.

If it were up to me personally, I hook them all up to an IV of their chemical filth everyday until they were good and hooked on it them cut it back to the point where they never got unhooked by spent at least 20 out of every 24 hours in the agonies of withdrawal. Every time an act of violence was perpetrated against a US National I would inflict that exact same harm and suffering on them.

Mexico doesn’t approve and no longer likes us and our ways? No problem. Cancel NAFTA revoke all their privileges under it, stop looking for help and hand outs of ANY kind from us and they can build a wall at their border with us, I’d bet we’d even help pay for it! Otherwise take the whining of the criminals for what it is, a sign we are making it to painful and too costly to traffic illegally in ANYTHING in the US and across our border.

Have you thanked a soldier or helped a Troops Support group Lately?