We’ve got an especially good issue for you today. Lots to read and laugh about. Lots to ponder and think about.
Plus, as an added bonus, I want to give just a little hint at a special issue that is coming up this Monday, Labor Day, in preparation for the day of Remembrance that will be September 11th. The 10th anniversary of the cowardly attack of our country. We have something very special planned and a unique way for all of us to help out.
But enough of that…. for now, let’s get on with the day!
This is a classic…if you ain’t laughing, you ain’t payin’ attention!
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in our more advanced societies our government has developed alternative strategies that are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course…
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to
donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to kiss my ass. Anybody who fits into my clothes ain’t starving.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist.
We have received a special request from Sue, one of our regular camper contributors. Please do your best to help her out with this:
I have a prayer request. There’s a lady I’ve known forever. She’s very sick. On top of that, she’s being abused by those to whom she has given everything.. Lies about her abound, and seem to come from all sides. Just breaks my heart. Seems there’s nothing I can do alone. But maybe, if we join in and lift her up together we can heal her. She’s well over 200 years old, but way too young to die. Her name is* America* … and I love her.
Right there with you Sue!
Main St. In Margaretville, NY
Governor Cuomo’s car in Margaretville, NY.
One of the few American elms remaining in New York City was downed in Brooklyn.
Here’s another classic. The amazing part is, that there isn’t one dirty word in it, yet, it will have you laughing hysterically.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my Gosh!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
It was then Mrs. Smith fainted.
Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying
off when he looked in the mirror.
He noticed that he was white from the neck to the
top of his head. In a sheer panic and
fearing he was turning white all over, he called
his doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor advised him to come to his office
immediately. After an examination, the doctor
mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to
Barack, and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and said,
that tasted like “bull shit!”
“It was.” the doctor replied,
“You were a quart low.
One of my favorite “Old Man” jokes…
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ is the reply.
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay … How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how can you tell?’
The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’
‘I promise I won’t,’ she says.
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’
Another great video…
Today’s Last Word…The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
Annual Salary of House/Senate …………………..$174,000 FOR LIFE
Annual Salary of Speaker of the House …………$223,500 FOR LIFE
Annual Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders …… $193,400 FOR LIFE
Annual Average Salary of a teacher ………………… $40,065
Annual Average Salary DEPLOYED Military Member in AFGHANISTAN $38,000
A spacecraft orbits the planet in order to spy on the strange creatures who live there.
“Are you sure we’ll be able to listen and see what’s going on down there?”
“Yes Commander! These creatures use a primitive form of light ray manipulation, up and down the spectrum, to communicate to one another. Since we know that these waves travel in all directions, we can tap into their broadcasts and communications. They are especially fond of these few bands here and here,” he indicates several dials and gauges on his instrument panel that seem to expand for easier viewing as he touches them. “And with those we can watch their broadcasts and hear their voices.”
“Well, let’s get started then. As you are well aware, we don’t have much time before the main fleet passes through this part of the galaxy and as this is the only intelligent life form found, we have to determine if they can be welcomed into the greater Union of Peoples.” The commander smiles at her companion, “and as nice as it’s been exploring these planets with you and the sharing of body and spirit we’ve partaken of,” her faces loses some of it’s brightness, “I’m about ready to join up with the rest of the fleet. I find I hunger for the love and companionship of the larger family.”
“I agree ma’am. Not that I haven’t had a wonderful time slaving away in the heroic attempts at satisfying your every desire.” His hands stray to her hips and begin to caress their supple muscles. She playfully smiles and slaps his hands away. “But, I too find I miss the others. Humans were not meant to be such solitary figures. We are at our best when surrounded by family and friends.”
The adjutant goes back to adjusting dials and knobs. A picture builds up in the view screen and suddenly strange babbling emits from the speakers.
“Dammit number 2, turn that down! Can’t you get the translator on line? What is this we’re watching?”
“Well, according to their own reference material. All of these people here, sitting in the arena, are engaged in watching these others in some sort of sporting event.”
“All of them are just watching?” she said incredulously. “And these few that are actually participating, they are just playing a game? Are they children?”
“No. They are all adult forms. They are playing for the other’s entertainment.”
“Oh I see.” The commander gave an enlightened smile. “They must be incredibly wealthy and put on this display and paid the others to come and watch. We all know that games are for children and adults only play in for their own satisfaction.”
The second continued to read his displays, “Well, not quite. According to this you were correct in that they are all quite wealthy, but it’s because they others are paying them to play and for the experience of watching.”
“Watching? I don’t understand. These people would rather watch than do? This must be an anomaly, find something else.”
A new picture appeared in the viewer, an adult in the front of the room with obviously younger beings sitting behind tables. “Ah, now here is what is clearly a school. These must be the true leaders of the society. Passing on the wisdom of their experiences to the younger …”
“Um… excuse me for interrupting you ma’am, but according to my information, these ‘teachers’ aren’t passing on wizened instruction. They can’t be. According to these figures they are only worth about 1% or even less of what the people playing games were worth.”
“What? That’s preposterous! Keep looking. There! What are those? In the strange uniforms?”
“Those are examples of soldiers, sailors, police officers, members who put out fires, it says here they are called ‘servicemen’ and ‘servicewomen’. And…no…this must be a mistake, or this planet is completely backwards. It says that these people are worth less than even the teachers. In fact, they seem to be some of the least compensated of all.” The man seemed lost in thought. Suddenly he smiled. “Perhaps, they are so independently wealthy and civic minded that their pay is just an honorarium to their giving spirit and …. no. That can’t be correct. It says here that many of them must also do additional duties, second professions, in order to just support their own families.”
The commander was flushed and angry. “And next you are going to tell me that…that… that the politicians are actually paid, and paid better and longer than these ‘service people’ instead of being charged by the people for the dirty pleasure of politics.” She started laughing. “And that, the people actually listen to these politicians.”
The second began laughing too. “Yeah, right. And that they actually pay the lawyers, too. Instead of hunting them into extinction.”
The commander reached out and hugged the man close to her. “Thank you for that great laugh. Let’s head back. I think we can safely say that there is no intelligent life on this backwards little planet. What did you call it?”
The man looked into his files. “Well, we have it as designator Alpha 2116 C. But the denizens call it…let me see…ah Earth.”
“Okay,” the commander said, “break orbit, set up return coordinates to the fleet, transmit our final report. There is no intelligent life on Earth.”