Leprechaun Laughs # 102 for Friday 08/12


LL Snow Banner

It’s not flashy, especially colorful or even remotely impressive but hey it makes me feel cooler!

great-weekend-2

YES! FROZEN DRINKS! ICE IN EVERYTHING! Gazpacho by the gallon please!

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Breakfast of the Coffee Gods. and a diabetics death sentence!

Coffee Travel kit

OH HELLS YEAH! I have GOT to get me one of these to go with my 12 volt portable drip coffee maker for the Tahoe! Brown Gold on the road!

 

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Dumb Stuff

 

With Summer Vacation season upon us I found this to be some good reading. These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”

“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”

“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”

“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

“All the mile markers are missing this year.”

“Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”

“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”

“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”

“Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”

“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”

“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”

“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”

“The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”

“Too many rocks in the mountains.”

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Sex With A Cowboy

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Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a blonde New Yorker),
confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State –
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And.
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy .
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
‘Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it’s ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!’
‘And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes… Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!’
They then asked, ‘Well tell us , did you have sex with a real cowboy?’
‘Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!’

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Hmm… appears to be about an Irish size medium.

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It was delivered with a complementary quart of “pork” lo mein.

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Reality show stops filming in Texas at 110 degrees

Associated Press Aug. 3, 2011, 3:41PM

Read more: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/7682096.html#ixzz1UYjWytrK

MINERAL WELLS — Even watermelons at a produce stand aren’t luring folks from their air-conditioned cars in one Texas town amid one of the state’s hottest summers.

Minerals Wells residents on Wednesday were staying indoors as temperatures soared to 110 degrees.

Outdoor antique shops in Mineral Wells were nearly deserted too, and nearby Possum Kingdom Lake had few boaters and fishermen. A reality TV show for the A&E network about Texans who hunt feral hogs had to suspend filming.

Apparently one of the less known Laws of Reality: Reality is suspended above 110 heat index.

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the
reason for your elongated penises?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm,
and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to
manage as best she could.”

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This fellow comes to confession. “Father Murphy, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asked, “What did you do, my son?”
“I lusted,” the fellow replied.
“Tell me about it laddy,” the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. “Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long red hair and eyes like emeralds.  She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in.”
“And, what did you do, my son?” asked the priest.
“Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted,” replied the man.
“Your sin has been forgiven,” replied the priest. “You will get your reward in heaven, my son.”
“A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?” the fellow asked.
The priest replied, “I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, ya bloody jackass.”

 

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This guy and his girlfriend lived in Austin and they decided to go and see the northern lights. They figured that they would just drive north on I-35 until they got to the end and that should do it. So, they set out on their trip and they’re both very excited. They are so excited that it is all they can talk about.
Well, after a couple of days they get to the end of I-35 just south of the Canadian border. They find a nice field to park in and the entire sky is lit up with the beautiful northern lights. The guy, who’s been driving, leaps out of the car at the wonder of it all; he’s jumping up and down like a little kid.
Meanwhile, his girlfriend is still sitting in the car and reading a magazine. He can’t believe it! So he says, “What’s the matter? Does the aurora bore ya, Alice?”

 

Moral Here

Man shoots self in genitals while holstering gun in pants

Associated Press Aug. 9, 2011, 10:31AM

Read more: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/7689846.html#ixzz1UYqcEy2y

CHANDLER, Ariz. — A suburban Phoenix man is recovering after police say he accidentally shot himself in the penis while putting his girlfriend’s gun in the waistband of his pants.

Chandler police say 27-year-old Joshua Seto and his fiancée, Cara Christopher, were walking toward a grocery store when the shooting happened last week. The gun fired, striking Seto’s penis and continuing through his left thigh.

The Arizona Republic reports a 911 operator told Christopher to apply direct pressure to the wound with a dry towel or T-shirt.

Chandler Police Detective Seth Tyler was unsure of the type of gun, or whether it had a safety that was off. He also says it’s unclear if Seto has been released from the hospital or suffered any permanent damage

In the wake of the shooting, Tyler warned residents to use holsters, not waistbands, if they’re going to carry a handgun.

The moral? Darwin was at least partially right. He got the Natural Selection Weeding Out The Inferior and Brain Dead part right!

Not fond of that one? How about Mother nature is a real bitch when it comes to chlorination of the gene pool?

STILL unhappy? ok try this last moral then: If you are dumb enough to put a fully cocked but (apparently) not locked pistol in the front of your pants sans holster sooner or later you WILL go off half cocked.

 

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Graciemj took a pretty hard whack at us guys yesterday and you shade tree mechanics in particular so it falls to me to defend you beer swilling backyard mechanic Bubba’s honor.

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Molly a.k.a. Mrs. Leprechaun was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told her.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ she asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ she asked.
‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, she said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…’

Molly said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for Lethal to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

DL Motivational Header

 

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Last  Parting Shot Scope on Man

 

Leprechaun_laughing

 

Irish Medical Dictionary

The Irish have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously …

 

Medical Term                                                       Irish Definition

Artery –                                                           The study of paintings

Bacteria –                                                           Back door to cafeteria

Barium –                                                What doctors do when patients die

Benign –                                                       What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section –                                     A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan –                                                                  Searching for Kitty

Cauterize –                                                       Made eye contact with her

Colic –                                                                               A sheep dog

Coma –                                                                      A punctuation mark

Dilate –                                                                             To live long

Enema –                                                                            Not a friend

Fester –                                                                Quicker than someone else

Fibula –                                                                             A small lie

Impotent –                                                             Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain –                                                          Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff –                                                            A Doctor’s cane

Morbid –                                                                          A higher offer

Nitrates –                                                    Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
                                                                         Normally more money than Days

Node –                                                                                      I knew it

Outpatient –                                                       A person who has fainted

Pelvis –                                                                         Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative –                                                             A letter carrier

Recovery Room –                                                    Place to do upholstery

Rectum –                                                                         Nearly killed him

Secretion –                                                                      Hiding something

Seizure –                                                                            Roman Emperor

Tablet –                                                                                  A small table

Terminal Illness –                                                 Getting sick at the airport

Tumour –                                                                          One plus one more

Urine –                                                                             Opposite of you’re out

Thats the Irish for you Closing

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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