LeprechaunLaffs #80 For Friday 6/24


Leprechaun Laffs - Lethal Leprechaun

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Holy Mary Blessed Mother of Jayus b’gosh & b’gorrah! It actually finally rained here! When I say rained I mean steadily and gently for some where in the neighborhood of five or six hours straight.

We here in Texas have not seen any appreciable rain probably since January and that ‘tis nae blarney.

I woke up Wednesday morning rather abruptly to the notion that yet another fecking liberal was pissin on me and trying to tell me it was rain. Then there was a prolonged loud building shaking rumble, followed by the immediate express arrival of two very freaked out cats to my bed. I then thought that perhaps it was Impish pissin’ on me for any one of the couple jokes I had made at his expense in Wednesday’s issue and that the rumble was simply him ‘outgassing’ as he is want to do frequently.

A bright flash suddenly filling the strangely dim for the hour room prompting a flurry of run and hide activity from the cats on the bed (across me apparently being the most direct route to wherever) and made me realize that this was natural metrological phenomena rather than something man or dragon made. The TV weather guessers had finally come thru on their empty promises it was raining! Even better it was mostly a gentle but steady soaking rain as opposed to the frog strangling deluge we normally get where 90% of it runs off after damaging crops! While it sort of puts the axe to my plans to grill up a storm to keep cool when the heat returns I call it a fair trade.

If it keeps up for most of the day while not out of our drought problem (the worst its been in 10 years) we will probably be out of the dangerous grass fire situation that has been plaguing us around here (three major one and within 5 miles of me in the last 7 days) Now if you’ll kindly excuse me I’m going to go outside and pay mother nature for her benevolence by mowing the fecking lawn that has grown 2 inches almost overnight.

Let’s Laugh Our Way To An Early Quitting Time!

(Impish that does not mean you! Sit down and dummy up you big dummy!)

No fancy Orders

Dear Customer:

We apologize for the delay in getting your order to you.

However, your item is on back order at this time. We didn’t anticipate such great demand for this item, and we have simply been unable to keep them in stock!

28 million are currently on back order, and we should be receiving more from the manufacturer soon. We will ship your order at the earliest possible time.

We thank you for your patience, and for your continued patronage!

ABC NOVELTIES COMPANY.

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A Muslim kid can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “How the hell should I know?”

 

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My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume, which she planned to submit to a local fast food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later, she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, “The manager wants me to come in for an interview and she told me to bring my references.”

 

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The Polish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.  Impish is already in search of a kielbasa skin turban to wear and telling everyone to call him ‘sheik Dragon’. Word has it this was his ‘brilliant’ idea

 

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Wheelbarrow Bet

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in. “

 

DL PSA Header

Today’s Important PSA comes from Rick of WolfsWallpapers Yahoo Group: wolfswallpapers-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit their homepage: http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/wolfswallpapers/ where when not slaving for the dragon you’ll find me backstopping Rick and doing the Fantasy Friday Wallpapers.

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A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.
The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked, but if it would help solve her problem, she thought she had better do what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive ‘yes, yes’ type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.
Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.
“So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “my wife is right, a beard would suit me.”

 

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Ask about my 3 for 1 special and my satisfaction guarantee! Remember me lucky charms are magically delicious too!

( This offer only good for human females 18 to 60. credit check required for those over 50. Graciemj you quit that shoving & line cutting now! wait your turn  polite  and lady like!)

 

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DL Introspection Header

Five (5) pearls of Leprechaun wisdom to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle. (it’s even more comfy in a Rolls)

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name. (as well as his D.o.B, S.S.N and C.C. numbers, then give me a call. I’ll do the rest and for a reasonable 40% including the laundering too!)

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. (help him get into even deeper trouble however and he’ll avoid you like the plague)

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. (well that and they will not chlorinate the shallow end of the gene pool and require an IQ test before allowing them to breed. But seriously if they were not around who would we give the Darwin awards out to?)

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk. (so why take chances the milk might be spoiled or wasn’t pasteurized properly? I’ve yet to hear of a case of spoiled Irish whiskey)

 

soul removed 

Ronald Reagan tells joke about Democrats

 

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Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’ The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him, “You gonna try again.”


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Why Male Elk Have Long Antlers

 

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It’s a guy thing, regardless of Species

 

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Oops! is a word
That I don’t care
To hear as someone
Cuts my hair.

Another time
It’s not a thrill
Is when the dentist
Holds a drill.

An Oops! escaped
From pilot’s lips
Can do me in
On airplane trips.

But nothing’s worse
Than Oops spoken
When one finds out
The condom’s broken.

 

 

Dl - Hazmat Groaner

An Occupational Story

“You don’t measure up,” said the baker, deadpan.
“You’re such a drain on me,” said the plumber, plunging into the sea.
“I knew that would get a rise out of him,” the baker said, rolling over to cook his back in the warm sun.
The pro bowler, adjusting the frames of his glasses, noticed the split between the two men he thought of as pinheads.
“Please spare us,” said the bowler, “you don’t strike me as hostile…”
The architect surveyed the baker and the plumber, two pillars of the community, and tried to give them support. He shot the archer nearby a look.
“The baker has a point,” said the archer.
“But why must he needle the plumber like that?” asked the tailor, hemming and hawing.
“Oh, oh!” the plumber cried, wrenching in pain, his face growing flushed.
“Why is he yelling?” the shepherd asked, sheepishly.
“The plumber’s goose may be cooked,” the baker cried with mixed emotions.
The tailor was the next to realize that the plumber was hanging on by a thread.
“Save him,” the banker shrieked with interest, hoping the plumber would soon be safe.
“Help!” the plumber charged, his throat clogged.
“Someone should help him,” screamed the fireman, alarmed.
“He’s blue,” the singer noted, joining the chorus of onlookers.
The baker brushed by the painter and the dentist, swam quickly to the plumber and dragged him ashore with relish.
He cleared the plumber’s pipes.
“Tanks,” said the plumber, spouting off.
“Donut mention it,” said the baker, sweetly.

 

 

You're Doing It Right

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Home Security Sign

 

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and Impish were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when Impish said to her unexpectedly,

“When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” Mrs. Dragon asked.

“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at Impish intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Speaking of our fearful (of Mrs. Dragon) leader, it’s been a while since I posted a LIVE candid of him on a casual Friday at the office off the hidden security cam in his private lair. I figure its high time we corrected this oversight and so with a couple of mouse clicks…Eureka!

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and suddenly I remember why it’s been so long and why it’s going to be even longer until the next LIVE candid of him!

 

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good neighbor

Here is a picture of the apparently well satisfied wife which allegedly accompanied the article:

photo of neighbor

Ah huh, as DragonLaffs’ resident Doctor of Quackery, I think I see the problem. I’ll need to see her privately three nights a week for six months in a four star luxury suite to confirm my diagnosis however.

DL Larder Header

 

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These sound so good! Heaven help us…LOL!

1/2 bag frozen tater tots, about 40 pieces
1 pound sliced, lean bacon, about 20 slices

Preheat oven to 425.

Cut bacon strips in half making 2 equal size pieces, about 4 inches each.

(If you place each slice on a cutting board and run the back of the knife along it you can flatten and stretch the bacon so you can probably get three tots per piece)

Place a tater tot on the end of the half-strip of bacon and roll it around the tot, slightly overlapping by 1/2 inch. Cut off any excess bacon. Pierce with a toothpick and place bacon wrapped tot on a baking sheet. Bake until the bacon is crispy, about 15-20 minutes.

I put them on a wire rack so the grease drains while they bake. This also seems of cause them to be done closer to the 15 min mark too.

Leprechaun’s Hint:

Soak toothpicks in a bowl of water before sticking into the tots and hot oven.

  BE sure cardiologist Emergency Room and 911 are all on speed dialer then bid a fond fair thee well the the view of your toes before eating these.

Capture H

Career Choice

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible…
2. A silver dollar…
3. A bottle of whisky…
4. And a Playboy magazine…

‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself. ‘When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a Blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.’
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table…
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
‘He’s gonna run for Congress!’

Capture G

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old goddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”
She said “It’s President’s Day!”
She is a smart kid. So, I asked “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln … etc.
She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”
You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose…

Speaking of Obama….

Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of
a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said.. ‘They
derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and
refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to
every triangle’.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’ White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President – It is
believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

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Deadly To Dems Toxic Libs

Since I don’t have to say or add anything to this Last word  again I’m sneaking out of here while you read it. Friday please post the closing credits for me and then when they are done show the readers out please. Then join me in the hanger I’ll have the G-5 warming up for our little weekend get away… I mean fact finding trip!

When will Obama crack in public?

Posted: April 19, 2011 by Mychal Massie

[][]At a time when many Americans can barely afford Burger King and a movie, Obama boasts of spending a billion dollars on his re-election campaign. Questioned at a recent appearance about the spiraling fuel costs, Obama said, “Get used to it” – and with an insouciant grin and chortle, he told another person at the event, who complained about the effect high fuel prices were having on his family, to “get a more fuel-efficient car.”

The Obamas behave as if they were sharecroppers living in a trailer and hit the Powerball, but instead of getting new tires for their trailer and a new pickup truck, they moved to Washington. And instead of making possum pie, with goats and chickens in the front yard, they’re spending and living large at taxpayer expense – opulent vacations, gala balls, resplendent dinners and exclusive command performances at the White House, grand date nights, golf, basketball, more golf, exclusive resorts and still more golf.

Expensive, ill-fitting and ill-chosen wigs and fashions hardly befit the first lady of the United States. The Obamas have behaved in every way but presidential – which is why it’s so offensive when we hear Obama say, in order “to restore fiscal responsibility, we all need to share in the sacrifice – but we don’t have to sacrifice the America we believe in.”

The American people have been sacrificing; it is he and his family who are behaving as if they’ve never had two nickels to rub together – and now, having hit the mother lode, they’re going to spend away their feelings of inadequacy at the taxpayers’ expense.
Obama continues to exhibit behavior that, at best, can be described as mobocratic and, at worst, reveals a deeply damaged individual. In a February 2010 column, I asked, “Is Obama unraveling?” I wrote that it was beginning to appear the growing mistrust of him and contempt for his policies was beginning to have a destabilizing effect on him.

At that time, I wrote that not having things go one’s way can be a bitter pill, but reasonable people don’t behave as he was behaving. He had insulted Republicans at their luncheon, where he had been an invited guest. I had speculated that was, in part, what had led him to falsely accuse Supreme Court justices before Congress, the nation and the world, during the 2010 State of the Union address.

It appeared, at that time, as if he were “fraying around the emotional edges.” That behavior has not abated – it has become more pronounced.. While addressing the nation, after being forced to explain the validity of his unilateral aggression with Libya, America witnessed a petulant individual scowling and scolding the public for daring to insist he explain his actions.

But during an afternoon speech to address the budget/debt, he took his scornful, unstable despotic behavior to depths that should give the nation cause for concern. Displaying a dark psychopathy more representative of an episode of “The Tudors” television series, he invited Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., to sit in the front row during his speech and then proceeded to berate both Ryan and Ryan’s budget-cutting plan. Even liberal Democrats were put off by the act. MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough questioned the sanity of Obama’s actions.

Today, criticism is coming from all sides. A senior Democrat lawmaker said, “I have been very disappointed in [Obama], to the point where I’m embarrassed that I endorsed him. It’s so bad that some of us are thinking, is there some way we can replace him? How do you get rid of this guy?” (“Democrats’ Disgust with Obama,” The Daily Beast, April 15, 2011)

Steve McCann wrote: Obama’s speech “was chock full of lies, deceit and crass fear-mongering. It must be said that [he] is the most dishonest, deceitful and mendacious person in a position of power I have ever witnessed” (“The Mendacity of Barack Obama,” AmericanThinker.com, April 15, 2011).

McCann continued: “[His] performance was the culmination of four years of outright lies and narcissism that have been largely ignored by the media, including some in the conservative press and political class who are loath to call [him] what he is in the bluntest of terms: a liar and a fraud. That he relies on his skin color to intimidate, either outright or by insinuation [against] those who oppose his radical agenda only add to his audacity. It is apparent that he has gotten away with his character flaws his entire life, aided and abetted by sycophants around him. …”

With these being among the kinder rebukes being directed at Obama, and with people becoming less intimidated by his willingness to use race as a bludgeon, with falling poll numbers in every meaningful category and an increasingly aggressive tea-party opposition – how much longer before he cracks completely?

The coming months of political life are not going to be pleasant for Obama. Possessed by a self-perceived palatine mindset, that in his mind places him above criticism, how long before he cracks in public? Can America risk a man with a documented track record of lying and misrepresenting truth as a basic way of life, who is becoming increasingly more contumelious?

Mychal Massie is chairman of the National Leadership Network of Black Conservatives-Project 21 – a conservative black think tank located in Washington, D.C. He was recognized as the 2008 Conservative Man of the Year by the Conservative Party of Suffolk County, N.Y. He is a nationally recognized political activist, pundit and columnist. He has appeared on Fox News Channel, CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN, NBC, Comcast Cable and talk radio programming nationwide. A former self-employed business owner of more than 30 years, Massie can be followed at mychal-massie.com.

OK so I did think of one last thing to say, a warning to those Democrats and Liberals who are now foaming at the mouth and madly scrolling to locate the comment link:

Heed our warning! We welcome opposing view points if they are couched in facts ands truth not spun of bullshit and misquotes! A few of you are already in danger of being permanently muzzled for this and I have no compunction against making any other Dems or libs who try baffling us with bullshit look like lying ignorant clueless asses.

DL Closing Credits

What? Are you STILL reading this?! The bloody issue is done! Leave! Go Away! Get a life! No you can’t have any Brown Gold! Friday call security!

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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