Dragon Laffs #1195


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Good Morning Campers!
Per usual, I’m right up against the last minute here, finishing up today’s issue of, the Greatest E-zine on the internet.  I had a Last Word all prepared about how the media is reporting the B.S. of the upcoming election and debates and what not, and NOT reporting any real information.  But then, I read this article about the administration not releasing a picture of Bin Laden’s dead body.  It really started me thinking about what is the right or wrong answer to that question and hopefully, I explored both sides of that question a little bit in today’s Last Word.
Thank you to all the junior alchemists out there who sent me in curative potions for the Dragon’s Bane poison that I suffered over the last couple of days due to Lethal being pissy about sharing his coffee.  I have since made a determination that NO employee will be allowed to come to the executive suite to get coffee.  I know that’s sad, and it makes it less of a “family” atmosphere, but I can’t afford to have any more poisons introduced into my system, so we’ll have to do things the way our co-partner has demanded.
To make up for this, at the company’s expense, I have built and opened a coffee lounge on the 32nd level.  It has many amenities that I think all the employees will find quite satisfying.  I especially like it because, if you remember, level 32, on the east side, opens out onto that really cool ledge over dragon’s teeth gorge, I’ve made that into a coffee/cigar lounge (so the second hand smoke won’t bother any of the non-cigar people).  Anyway, be sure to go down to that level, look around and enjoy.  The coffee is on me.

Now….

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I know this sets a bad precedent, but let’s start with a handful of groaners from our pal Zack….
Groaner Zack

“I heard about a college girl who went to a fraternity beer party, got drunk, spent the night with one of the frat boys and soon discovered she was pregnant.

“After her baby was born, she decided to write a book about her experience.

She chose to call: “From Beer to Maternity”

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There was a family, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their baby. Who was the biggest?

The baby. He was a little Bigger.

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Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?

A: Lost.

Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?

A: Nice belt



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A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had eggs.

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Short, funny essay…

The expert just left the office after telling me to check in the morning to see if they were still there or gone with the hope being they’d vanish just like plans for a sensible economic recovery.

He couldn’t find ‘em but said it’s quite possible they were hanging around in some dark corner he couldn’t see into. The “they” I refer to is not a collection of lawyers and politicians hiding in the dark waiting to swoop out on unsuspecting citizens while screaming “TAX HIKES!” and “FOUR MORE YEARS!”

Great. Now I have scared myself so badly I won’t sleep at all tonight. Sorry if I scared you, I’m just trying to set the stage here for the real problem.

Anyway, we had bats in the building and not the kind the Atlanta Braves use to lose critical games against every other team in the league. I mean the kind of bats with wings and not the kind chased by a guy with a bad makeup job (the Joker) although I suppose you could get a bad makeup job and chase bats. Far be it from me to judge how you spend your leisure time as long as you leave my spandex neon lederhosen alone.

For a while we have suspected the building had bats. Why did we suspect this, you ask? Finding a dead bat every so often inside the building either meant we had bats in the building or … well there is no or. We had bats in the building. Dead bats, but bats. As dead bats generally don’t move around on their own, I assumed the bat was alive at some point and died in the office. Unless they were zombie bats which is even more scary than Sarah Palin becoming a liberal.

Then, we absolutely verified bats in the building. We did this by allowing a large brown bat to fly around the front office, land on Robin’s head (no, I am not kidding and I do not know if she wears colored tights and jumps from building to building in her off time), swoop around menacingly and hover in a doorway eyeing me like a T-rex watching a truckload of sirloin steaks. Obviously the bat was more than insane because I outweighed the bat several hundred to one and if it attacked me there is no doubt about the outcome. I’d scream like a girl,
panic and run into a wall, knock myself out, fall on the bat, killing it, be arrested for killing a federal protected species and then get sued for harassment by some organization claiming to represent the civil rights of office walls.

So we called a bat removal expert . The expert did not wear a cape or a hat with pointy ears, at least when I was watching. Maybe he put that on later. He verified the presence of bats through a complex scientific
process involving immense amounts of detective work, a detailed examination of the building and pointing to a pile of bat poop on the floor.

At this point everyone in the office was extremely relieved. Bat poop is considered a toxic substance, which meant everyone is permanently excused from sweeping the floor at least until it has been decontaminated, torn up and replaced with a non bat poop-contaminated surface and we relocate to another building on the bat-free side of town.

The removal expert told us how he’d get rid of the bats. It is very simple. He’d simply fill holes in the building and put screens over larger openings after dark. Since the bats could not get back in come morning, they’d find somewhere else to live.

STOP THE PRESSES!  I know how to solve Washington DC. We just get a giant can of spray foam, plug the holes and stretch fence across the larger holes and SUCCESS! If the politicians can’t get back in, they’ll
find somewhere else to live. I understand Japan has some prime real estate available right now.

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What I want to know is, how many do you have to have right to qualify…

You are a Nerd If…

– If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
– If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
– If you have more toys than your kids
– If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
– If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
– If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
– If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
– If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it
– If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
– If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

 

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I was sure this was Lethal until I read it all the way through..

A woman in Texas who couldn’t afford new curtains, decided to dye her old ones blue.  She got out a vat, mixed some brilliant blue dye, and set to work. 
       While the woman was hanging her curtains on the line, her little white lamb fell into the vat.  He was fished out, unhurt, and went scurrying off to dry in the sun.  A passing motorist observed the bright blue lamb, thought he’d discovered a new species, and came up offering twice the market price.  The woman decided she had a pretty good thing.
       Next day she dyed a second lamb.  It, too, sold almost immediately at a fancy price.  From this start she developed quite a business — buying, dyeing and selling lambs.  She turned out to be the biggest lamb dyer in Texas.


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Who do you give a gift like this to?  Your female boss?  Your MALE boss?  I can’t imagine a single person I could give this to and have it work out.  It sure is funny though.

I found these really neat coupons that are good for one gallon of gas at ANY gas station.  Yup.  Can you believe it, any gas station.  Now, to be honest, I’ve seen these around before, but never thought to take advantage of them, I suppose I never realized their actual worth.
You probably have one or two of these coupons lying around somewhere and don’t even know it!  I’d hate to see you lose the opportunity to use them, so before it becomes too late, find and redeem these special coupons good for one gallon of gas at practically ANY gas station in the country.  But hurry.  They are being devalued every day:
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You know the honeymoon is over
when the comedians start.
 

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree…and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
–Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
–Jay Leno


Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
–Conan O’Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
 
–Jay Leno


Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
–David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
 
–Jimmy Fallon


Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. 

–David Letterman

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What has been sheened

Well

waterparks

One of my favorite lists of all time.  We here a Dragon Laffs aspire to be this good, but it is doubtful we ever will be.  These guys are The BEST!

When Insults Had Class…….
And don’t you wish you had thought of some of these at the right moment.

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband, I’d give you poison,” and he said, “If you were my wife,  I’d take it.”

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: “Sir, you  will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That  depends, sir,” said Disraeli, “On whether I embrace your policies or  your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” –  Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston  Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to  the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I  know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”  -Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring  a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” -Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing  trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”  – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” -Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”  – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” -Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support  rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” –  Groucho Marx


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Public Service 1
I had no idea this was going on.  Thanks to Jeannie for sending me the video and with a little bit of effort (truly a tiny bit of effort) I found out that, although the video is from New South Wales, the product is currently used here in the United States.  Now, if the European Union is trying to ban this, you know, the guys that allow new drugs to hit the market only after an extensive 48 hour testing period, if they are trying to ban it, that scares the hell out of me for what the heck are we eating here?  Watch and Learn:

Meat Glue

The industry-wide secret butchers don’t want you to know about: The special product called Meat Glue sticking your steak together.

http://au.todaytonight.yahoo.com/article/8989315/consumer/meat-glue

So, when you are done with the video, if you still want a bit more info, here’s a nice link to follow: http://www.gobeyondorganic.com/Weekly-News-Tips/meat-glue.html 

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Okay, our dear camper Jeannie sent us this quiz as well.  She says that she bees smart cause she got 28 out of 30.  I bees not as smart, but still passed at 25 out of 30.  How’d you do?

Independence Day Quiz

 
Lady LibertyThe 4th of July is the time when we celebrate our nation– a time to reflect on the freedoms which we believe are not granted by our government, but are self-evident rights for all humankind.  Time for the Independence Day Quiz which asks,  “How much do you really know?”  Every day thousands leave their homelands to settle here in the land of the free.  Before they become citizens they are required to take a citizenship test and score 80%.  Could you pass this test if you took it today?  

Our quiz is made up of 20 questions which were once used on the actual citizenship test.  We’ve added a few curveballs– The last ten questions may be a bit harder, but a score of around 24 out of 30 is considered a passing grade. 

http://games.toast.net/independence/

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Salty

GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS – GOD BLESS EVERY SOLDIER.
 
 
Combat Coffee

A how to instructional video on how Canadian troops make coffee in Afghanistan under combat conditions.

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Now I have to poke my eyes out with hot skewers!  Dang!  Washing my eyes out with bleach just won’t work.

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This is amazing!

After Pei Wei Illegals Raided by Arpaio, Americans Line Up For Jobs 

http://www.diggersrealm.com:80/mt/archives/003513.html

Now I want the politicians to tell me, again, how Americans won’t do the jobs illegals do…!

 

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What Those Acronyms Really Mean

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

CA = Constant Acquisitions

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.

SCSI = System Can’t See It

DOS = Defunct Operating System

BASIC = Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW = World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

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WARNING: The following rant is not politically correct, not socially gracious nor is it humanitarianly harmonious and designed to fit nicely in ANYONE’s pocket.  Continue at your own risk. 

I demand the release of pictures of the death of Osama Bin Laden.
No, I’m not a conspiracy theorist.
Neither do I disbelieve that the animal is dead.
I demand to see the pictures of the bastard’s demise for a simple reason.
Closure.
If we had to endure pictures of people jumping to their deaths from a burning and collapsing World Trade Center; people forced to take their own lives rather than burn to death; then I want to see that piece of slime’s shattered face splashed all over the news, TV, computer screens, newspapers and wherever else we can find to post it. 
The Administration says no.
 
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said Wednesday that the president consulted his national security team and ultimately decided it would be too risky to release any images of the body. Obama also determined the administration already had proved bin Laden is dead, he said.
So, what are we? Still letting this S.O.B. control and scare us?  What are we afraid of?
Rep. Mike Rogers, R-Mich., chairman of the intelligence committee, earlier put out a statement opposing the release. He told Fox News he’s using a simple test — if the release of the photo would make a village elder in Afghanistan less cooperative and less likely to snitch to U.S. troops about potential attacks, then he’s against it.
Yeah……….okay……..so that’s a valid point.  BUT STILL…..
But Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., said in a statement Wednesday afternoon that not releasing any images is a “mistake.”
“I know bin Laden is dead. But the best way to protect and defend our interests overseas is to prove that fact to the rest of the world,” he said. “I’m afraid the decision made today by President Obama will unnecessarily prolong this debate.”
I agree.  I believe the sooner we get this out, over and decided, the sooner we can get closure and move on to other things… 
Sen. Kelly Ayotte, R-N.H., who has seen a photo of a dead bin Laden, disputed the notion the image is too gruesome for the public to see.
“Nobody wants to see a disturbing photograph, but for closure purposes, it should be released,” she told Fox News. “We don’t want to see conspiracy theories develop, particularly among the terrorists.”
I say bullshit to the too gruesome.  Pictures of everybody else’s dead body have already been leaked, along with pieces of the crashed helicopter, lots of blood, dead bodies and really, come on, can it be any worse than the crap that is being put out by Hollywood and called “art”?
Ayotte has since said she is not sure the photo was authentic but still believes it should be released..
Oh, now THAT was the perfect friggin’ thing to say!  “We’re worried about conspiracy theories” so let’s just start it off by saying SENATOR OF THE UNITED STATES BELIEVES PHOTO OF BIN LADEN’S DEATH A FAKE! Is she grabbing for headlines?  Trying to start trouble? or just an ordinary idiot?  You can’t possibly make me believe that Americans elected somebody so obviously stupid!  These people are supposed to be representative of OUR COUNTRY.  I don’t give a rat’s-ass WHAT you believe you have to understand that everything you say is going to be used as a sound bite….or maybe … that was the idea.  Nice way to get your name in the paper?  Jack-wad!
Sen. Saxby Chambliss, R-Ga., told Fox News that regardless of whether somebody in the administration makes an official decision to release an image, the image will likely get out at some point, potentially by leak.
“It’s likely to happen at some point in time anyway,” he told Fox News.
(Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/05/04/concerns-mount-potential-backlash-ubl-photo-release/#ixzz1LTWGd1g7)

Gee, if it’s going to happen sometime….what are the odds it’s released at the right time for the administration?  Right around the election?  Accidently, of course….
Nah!  They wouldn’t do that on purpose.
Would they?

 

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6 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1195

  1. Jeannie says:

    I’m with you on this one, Impish. Show us the damn picture(s)!! Once again, Obama is playing all of us. He *wants* controversy with every single thing he does, so as to take the focus off of how he’s screwing us once again. Seems to me, he’s worried more about other’s “feelings” than Americans. My kid’s video games are more gruesome than anything he could show us! Quite frankly, I have a hard time believing just about anything that comes out of his mouth. He’s going to have to *prove* to me that Osama is indeed dead.

  2. George Sadler says:

    Impish
    Come on ID you tell us how important breast cancer is and we can help and then you omit the link. WTF. George

  3. lynn fux says:

    Well hi Guys,just got back from down underand started catching up on my 5000 Emails by starting with DL and LL first. Ah,tis a good thing to be back home with my mates IDand LL,still atit and still funny!!! Lotsof love to you both,Lynn

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      George you that blind you cannot find the link on the right side of the blog page where Impish announced it was moved to a PERMANENT location, right opposite his scrolling banner and above the search bar, OVER A WEEK AGO ( COINCIDENTALLY coinciding with you last nit picky whine over it) or you just a jackass desperate for something to harass us about?

    • impishdragon says:

      Did she call us a tit? I think she did!

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        If she did I’m a generous C cup and your an over flowing FF cup Crisco

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