Impish is attending his friends funeral service today and will be returning not a moment too soon for me tomorrow.
Young Lethal was an absolute nut on physical fitness. Every morning before his early breakfast, unless the weather was unusually cold or foul, he put on his gym suit and jogged around the reservoir in the park. That done, he would indulge in calisthenics of some sort.
One morning, when the sun was peeping over the horizon and the dew lay refreshingly cool on the grass in the deserted park, Lethal, his jogging done, threw himself down behind a line of hedges and began a strenuous series of push ups.
That same morning Impish was also in the park, wending his way home; but for him it was still the evening before. His tuxedo was incredibly rumpled, his hat unimaginable askew; and there emerged from him in every direction a powerful aroma of some alcoholic beverage. His tottering footsteps somehow brought him behind the row of hedges, and he stopped short as he watched Lethal at his push ups.
After a few moments, he extended his cane uncertainly and managed to tap Lethal on the shoulder. “Yo Lethal,” he said, “I hate to be a bearer of ill tidings, but if you will take a close look, you will notice that your girl is no longer there.”
The Greatest Letter Ever Printed On NFL Team Letterhead
In 1974, a Clevelander wrote the Browns complaining of the menace posed by the then-fad of throwing paper airplanes, and implicitly threatened litigation.
The Browns’ response is just about the most awesome thing ever committed to paper!
A One-Wish Genie
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold ‘a genie’ appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for… a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see that map again…”
10 Part Irish Introspection/Extra – Oddest Stories of 2010 #4
The Taliban insurgents who were training Kalashnikov-armed macaques and baboons to shoot at US troops. (you just can’t make stuff like this up!)
A report in China’s People’s Daily indicated that the Taliban is creating an army of monkey mujahideen. The story that appeared in July 2010 in the Chinese People’s Daily suggested that insurgents used a reward-and-punishment system to train macaques and baboons to target soldiers wearing U.S. military uniforms. The Taliban supposedly “taught monkeys how to use the Kalashnikov, Bren light machine gun and trench mortars.” But a researcher who has spent his career studying the social life of non-human primates casted a highly critical eye on the story.
“They can be trained to do things like turn off lights and open faucets and so on, but eventually that breaks down,” said William Mason, a psychologist and professor emeritus at the University of California. The Chinese story cited unnamed British journalists and U.S. military sources when discussing the idea of insurgent monkeys. By contrast, the U.S. Stars and Stripes news source interviewed a NATO spokesman who said the notion had no basis in reality. (Link)
Today’s Last Word comes from reader Mike R. I had been waiting for the Dragon to use it, but since he’s away I don’t have to wait anymore. I fear that this scenario may prove too close to the truth for comfort one day.
The Ghost of Thanksgiving Yet to Come
By Arnold Ahlert Wednesday, November 24, 2010
“Winston, come into the dining room, it’s time to eat,” Julia yelled to her husband. “In a minute, honey, it’s a tie score,” he answered. Actually Winston wasn’t very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington . Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its “unseemly violence” and the “bad example it sets for the rest of the world,” Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn’t nearly as exciting.
Yet it wasn’t the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another TofuTurkey. Even though it was the best type of VeggieMeat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce and mince-meat pie), it wasn’t anything like real turkey. And ever since the government officially changed the name of “Thanksgiving Day” to “A National Day of Atonement” in 2020 to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims’ historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.
Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the TofuTurkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats-which were monitored and controlled by the electric company-be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.
Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family.
Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of live-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort.
“The RHC’s resources are limited,” explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. “Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I’m sorry for your loss.”
Ed couldn’t make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines-for everyone but government officials.
The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn’t want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.
Thankfully, Winston’s brother, John, and his wife were flying in. Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids. Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added “inconvenience” was an “absolute necessity” in order to stay “one step ahead of the terrorists.”
Winston’s own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022. That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for “unequal scrutiny,” even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine. Almost.
The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact. “A living Constitution is extremely flexible,” said the Court’s eldest member, Elena Kagan. ” Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example,” she added.
Winston’s thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.
His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism or any of a number of other calamities were “just around the corner,” but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility.
It didn’t help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being. Winston paid the $5000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13.
The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to “spur economic growth.” This time they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.
Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement.
At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life “fair for everyone” realized their full potential. Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn’t happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.
He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2010, when all the real nonsense began. “Maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today if we’d just said ‘enough is enough’ when we had the chance,” he thought.
Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.