Leprechaun Laughs #103 for Wednesday 8/24


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Or Tuesdays or Wednesdays or any other day with a ‘Y’ in it.

Well as Chucky would say..”I’m baaaackkkk!”  Been a tumultuous nearly two weeks since I last posted and very busy.

DL Offices Now

Finding new digs for our offices (see the snap shot for where I’m forced to work out of now) after I dutifully closed down most of DLE Headquarters  and sublet them as well as  finding staff has been extremely challenging as Impish mentioned.  Also, somewhat foolishly I severed several cyber Bridges shortly after Impish decided we were done by deleting a bunch of links and subscriptions. I think I have them all back now. Good thing for the moment this is a once a week thing or I never would have been able to get them all back in time.

While some things change, some remain frighteningly the same. We’re still in a serious drought here and beset with Killer heat, our streak of 100 plus degree days and Heat Index warnings now stretches to over 21 days.

I’m posting this to WordPress today (Monday) as my prophecy regarding the failure of my Laptop is close to coming true. The packaging for return to HP should be arriving Tuesday or Wednesday and I will be sending it back for a second warrantee repair. This means I will be with out it for some where around  two to three weeks considering repair time and shipping both ways plus then getting the Laptop back up to usable configuration and speed once its back.

I have an ancient tower from which I hope to post Leprechaun Laughs after this Wednesday, electrons & Bill Gates willing. I realize this is an inopportune time for this to be happening but I had a warrantee that was running out and in truth had exhausted all the non ‘ship it back’ fixes. Hopefully this will not interrupt Leprechaun Laughs at all.

NOW LET THE LAUGHING RESUME!

Iced Coffee 1

Hold the chocolate please and make it a tall boy

 

Given our 21+ day triple digit heat wave this seems totally appropriate and eerily accurate 

Dear Diary,

Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I’ve finally
found my home.. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and
rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to
the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By
the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the
size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells
like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this
heat. Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as
hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged
$200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I
can’t even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling
over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the
seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . .
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and
sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the
weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in
this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus
will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn
heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to
crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer
came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? “Hot enough for you today?” My
sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What
kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to
let you know how the trial goes.

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Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there,” pointing to the Jewish guy.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and calls to Peter and says, “Thank you.” This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, “Thank you.” So Peter says to the barman, “What’s the matter with that guy over there? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except that guy, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is something wrong with him or something?”

“Not at all,” replies the barman. “He’s the owner.”

 

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Knives seem like such simple tools. Making one, however, is a different story. You won’t believe how much work goes into a high-quality knife. Watch the entire process. Since I cannot see it I’m hoping it still works.

 

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Motorcycle Insurance

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. “Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?”

“I’ve got a kickstand,” he replied. “Is that the same thing?”

 

Burger King retires mascot ‘The King’

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PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — The King is dead, but the burger lives on.

Burger King Corp. on Friday said it is retiring “The King” mascot, a man with an oversized plastic head and creepy smile who in recent years has been shown in ads peeping into people’s windows and popping up next to them in bed.

“We won’t be seeing The King for a while,” Burger King spokesman BJ Monzon said Friday.

That Burger King is looking to its mascot for change is not surprising. Other restaurant chains recently have begun to use their longtime mascots less —— or ditched them completely —— to freshen up the brand.

 

Under scrutiny of its marketing to kids, McDonald’s has moved away from its emphasis on Ronald McDonald, its clown mascot festooned in red wig and shoes. And the Wendy’s chain no longer plays up in ads its Wendy character, which has red hair and matching freckles

Cohen, the marketing consultant for B-K, said a chain’s mascot should give a brand a better sense of identity by connecting it with consumers while entertaining them. The King, he said, did not do that. Cohen said others, such as Jack In the Box’s ball-headed “founder” and Jack or Chik-Fil-a’s black and white cows that encourage people to “Eat Mor Chikin,” do.

“When you think of it, the difference between the two, The King was creepy,” Cohen said. “There is a cool factor to the cow and there is a cool factor to Jack. They both come off with a wry sense of humor, which is appealing.”

Burger King has used The King mascot since 1955 when his image appeared on the sign at its first store in Miami. He’s taken various forms since then, including going animated in ads and running with a crew of other food-themed royalty like “Sir Shakes a Lot.”
This is not the first time The King has gone on hiatus. The company had him step down in 1989 to let a “Kids Club Gang” have a try. He returned in 2004 when the company hired a new advertising agency, Crispin Porter + Bogusky, which is known for its edgy work.

Since then, The King had become a more central —— and decidedly creepy —— part of ads. The mascot showed up in a variety of odd scenarios in ads, including lying next to a man in bed. But as sales fell, the company looked in a new direction.

The move is an effort by the struggling fast food chain to boost slumping sales by focusing its marketing on the freshness of its food rather than the funny-factor of its ads. It’s rolling out a new campaign on Saturday sans The King to tout its fresh ingredients and new products like its California Whopper, which has guacamole.

Gordon Bowen, chief creative officer at mcgarrybowen, said the new ads celebrate good taste and the ingredients Burger King uses. Piedra said the company and agency decided to make the ads food-centric after finding that the reason people love its brand is because of the quality of its food.

As for The King, Burger King said their mascot may not be banished from the kingdom forever. He may come back at in the future in a different form. In the meantime, the company will still carry paper crowns in stores.

 

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Certainly Puts a WHOLE new slant on Emeril’s Assertion That Pork Fat Rulez! Pork The Other White Meat!

 

A simple message about life

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man, that could have been me!”

So, today, bright & early, I went out & got a job as a truck driver.

Creatively Funding Municipal Services in Small Town America

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That trip to lock up now costs you $7.50 for the first 5 miles and $1.50 a mile after that. Don’t forget to tip the officer either or he won’t loosen those cuffs for you!

Texans will train Mexicans for the drug war

By CHRISTOPHER SHERMAN Associated Press Aug. 17, 2011, 4:36PM

LAREDO — U.S. law enforcement will train local and state police officers from Mexico as part of the next phase of the two countries’ joint fight against transnational drug cartels, a U.S. State Department official said Wednesday.

U.S. agencies have been training Mexican federal police on both sides of the border for several years. However, William Brownfield, assistant secretary of state for international narcotics and law enforcement affairs, said it is clear that local forces face the most concentrated violence, especially in northern Mexico, and are in the most need of training.

Brownfield was in the Texas border town of Laredo on Wednesday, signing an agreement outlining how deputies from the Webb County Sheriff’s Office could spend periods of three months, six months or more training their counterparts in Mexico.

It was the first such agreement the State Department has signed with a local law enforcement agency anywhere on the U.S.-Mexico border. Brownfield said more trainers are needed and the high rate of bilingual deputies with border experience made Webb County an attractive place to start such a program.

And the first damned thing we’re teachin’ ‘em his what a border is, what its for and how to recognize the feckin’ thing 5 out of five times!

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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent..” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

starbucks

America: You’re (Not) #1! (anymore)

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And, sources for those of you interested:

Democracy index
Freedom of the Press index as reported by Reporters Sans Frontières
Prison Population
Corruption Perception Index, Also reported by Transparency International
Quality / efficiency of education
Health Care Rankings done by the World Health Organization (WHO)
Source – Prosebeforehos

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At least A is still Apple!!!!

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Dear Weather.Com,

First, let me just say: Good going. You know what the temperature is and are reasonably accurate at predicting what it will be in the future. So, I guess that’s cool.

But you know what’s not cool? Your optimistic and unhelpful descriptions of the day’s weather.

For example, this was the forecast the other day:

This forecast seems to suggest that the sun is out and everything is great.

But your forecast is a deception at best, because it is summertime and the sun is a predator, lying in wait like a hot, fiery ball of ninja kicks to the face.

Going outside is like walking into a trap. Once you are a sufficient distance from shelter–just far enough away from the safety and protection of air conditioning and ceiling fans–the sun will shoot you down like a sniper, using a submachine gun loaded with crippling heat to burn away your very soul.

I mean, REALLY, Weather.Com. People are dying of heatstroke out there, and all you have to say is “sunny” with a little orange circle?

The next time it’s 98 degrees and “sunny” outside, maybe you should use this image instead:

Similarly, I’m disappointed by the images and descriptions you use during more extreme weather events. Like a couple of weeks ago, when I was driving from Florida to Georgia, and you showed me this forecast:

“Light hail”? Is that anything like being “lightly” stoned to death?

Seriously? “Light”? That sounds like the most delicate hail storm ever. Why not just show me this:

Oh! I know why! Because “light hail” is serious shit, and small chunks of ice are being hurled from the sky.

Here’s how that drive went, in case you were curious.

In the future, please use this image instead.

Also, I know you’re mostly in the “weather” business, covering things like rain and sun and shit, but given the extreme events our planet has seen recently, I thought you might want to branch out a little–to stay hip and current, of course.

Just in case, I drew a few things for you. Feel free to use the following images in the event of:

Brushfires or smog

Earthquakes

And tsunamis

But even if you don’t decide to use any of the professionally designed images above, I implore you to use the following for days when the weather is perfect. The next time the forecast is 75 degrees and sunny (with a delightful, soft breeze), please use this image.

P.S.

While we’re here, can I just say that I’ve had enough of your ever-growing collection of Cute-Casts? Things like “PetCast” and “PollenCast” should be erased from your site.

And, also? This needs to stop:

I find your recommendation to use hairspray and hair ties both meddlesome and offensive. (Also, why not just one hair tie? Why do I need “hair ties”–plural? Are you recommending pig tails? Or some kind of weird tri-ponytail? Because I fail to see how those styles would make me more beautiful.)

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barcode.php

This free website gives a rough estimate how long it would take a modern PC to crack a password that you have submitted. I’m not sure how accurate the estimates are but I had a lot of fun trying different combinations. If you take the results at face value some of the passwords I thought to be secure were in fact crackable and vice versa, some seemingly insecure passwords were more robust than I though. Whatever, I suggest you test out your common passwords. Some of you are in for a nasty shock.

www.howsecureismypassword.net

Wednesday's Wanton Wench

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No Impish! You cannot have her. No more ‘Impish’s Vale of Virgins’ until you have funds to pay for their up keep!

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Here’s a few short one liners.

The most famous inventor is an Irishman called Pat Pending.

Massachusetts Law- It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

The newest card game in San Francisco these days is something called pansy poker.
Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. Just ask ole Barrel Butt the dragon if you don’t believe it!

“Fathom the hypocrisy of a Government that requires every citizen to prove
they are insured……but not everyone must prove they are a citizen”

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I’d be in your hands all day.
Impish: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.

His self written obit appears this Saturday. Opposing points of view will be published next Wednesday.

 

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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, sold illegal drugs, and had passed on herpes to someone. I was appalled but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” he began, “in fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, never be late.

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Breaking News

Brought to us courtesy of K~Squared who comments: 

This is good news. Now, if the ACLU would only leave things alone, even for just 10 years, this could make a meaningful difference.

One down…..49 to go!!!

Florida is the first state – Hooray for Florida

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Florida is the first state that is now going to require drug testing for welfare! Some people are crying this is unconstitutional. How is this unconstitutional? It’s completely legal that every other working person had to pass a drug test in order to have a J-O-B that supports those on welfare!
Forward if you agree!! Let’s get Welfare back to the ones who NEED it, not those that WON’T get a JOB…..I AGREE!!!

http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-05/politics/florida.welfare.drug.testing_1_drug-testing-tanf-welfare-recipients?_s=PM:POLITICS

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘It’s golf balls’.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;
‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’

 

Last  Parting Shot Scope on Man

China Treasury Bonds

Closing Fine Soft Day

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ashamed of our President and think he is SO clueless and unqualified for the position as well as so much of an international embarrassment to the US as to warrant impeachment. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill I think its unconstitutional as it stands and will be challenged and found so by the Supreme Court. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice.
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5 Responses to Leprechaun Laughs #103 for Wednesday 8/24

  1. paul says:

    GREAT JOB – AS ALWAYS :)

  2. Ginny says:

    Great laughs Leprechaun….enjoyed and glad to see you back among the living. Good luck with your search of a new office LOL.

  3. Kris says:

    So glad BK is retiring that creepy king. He gives me more heebie jeebies than clowns!
    This was a great way to start my morning … welcome back :o)

  4. Don Maire says:

    The bride and I were overjoyed that Burger King dropped the plastic pedophile king. That’s what he reminded us of the first time we saw him jumping up and down in a bed full of young kids. We haven’t been to a BK since and we both liked BK since their beginning. Now that he’s gone we can go back………..backwoods Don from Missouri

  5. cloie says:

    gOOD SEND, LEPRECHAUN;

    NICE TO SEE YOU BACK ON-LINE.

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