Wow! I can’t imagine anyone who has to fly for a living!! What a complete and total cluster! I left home at 0400 for my 0800 flight. It takes an hour and a half to get to the airport and even with road construction the whole way, I still made it in an hour and a half because I was about the only person on the road at the ridiculous time of the morning.
So I got to the airport with 2 1/2 hours to spare. Then from my car to the gate took a little over an hour!! And they said they were slow on Sunday morning!!
I will say they know their job well.
Then my boarding pass had no seat assignment, even though I picked one when I was ticketed over a week ago. It just said “see agent”. She laughed, gave me a NEW boarding pass with a much different seat than I had the first time. Better seat. Window. Closer to the front.
Okay, well I tried to add an image and it didn’t work. I’ll have to check on that. For now, I’ll post this and talk to you guys soon.
And now I’m starting on Saturday’s issue. I’m back to being pretty far ahead again, so I’m not really sure what I should be saying right now. So, I’m going to leave the opening statements go for right now and jump into the laffs and see if maybe I can come back to this later. If, on Saturday, you are actually reading these words because they are still here, then I apologize because either I forgot to come back and fix them or I ran out of time. Either way …
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
An electrician didn’t get home until after 2am. His wife asked, “Wire you insulate?”
He replied, “Watts it to you, I’m ohm, aren’t I?” …
Not saying it’s really hot, but I was sweating so much I hydroplaned off the toilet seat and landed in the bath tub.
Like surfboarding, but much more fun!!!
The police were at a crime scene. The only thing found was a nose.
They’re calling it, nobody knows.
My wife and I both order stuff from the same Amazon account.
We’re Prime-mates
Where did the IT guy go?
He probably ransomeware.
“It was him! He was the dirty beast that did this to me!”
WELL…Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally affected me financially. In order to offset the extra cost for food, electricity, etc. I have a need to make some extra money on the side…it is what it is. So here’s to my new venture.
I am now proud to announce that I am selling ADULT TOYS. I hope no one will feel embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs. I can send pictures and dimensions etc. Just ask. Discretion is guaranteed!! Ask for your anytime. I have everything listed below:
-Walkers -Wheelchairs -Oxygen tanks -Walking sticks -Adult diapers -Teeth glue -Heating glue -Heating pads and more
What did the horse say after tripping in a pothole?
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.
Mike: Hey buddy, what’s wrong?
Paddy: Just had a big fight with the wife. That woman fights for no frickin’ reason at all.
Mike: Why? What happened?
Paddy: We were both very excited and were just about to start having sex. She removed her jeans and then her top, when I asked, “Why are you wearing your sister’s bra?”
It’s got to be a government board. When I first joined the Air Force in 1977, they were in the process of enforcing the “Paperwork Reduction Act of 1976”. This paperwork reduction act actually added one additional piece of paper to every set of aircraft forms on the flightline. Perfect government sense.
We’ve probably all been the recipient of a butt-dial before. Usually, it’s nothing particularly concerning unless the sound of the inside a purse or a sports bar happy hour is terrifying to you. But for a man identified only as “Elijah,” he fired off one of the unluckiest butt-dials in history as far as both recipients and content are concerned. He unknowingly dialed 911, where the operator then heard him playing the video game Rainbow Six: Siege, as he barked triumphantly into his headset that he’d “killed two.”
A couple minutes later, Elijah was treated to some real life CQB experience as a SWAT team showed up at his house investigating what they thought might have been a double homicide. Luckily, once they realized that the only murder he’d ever committed was virtual in service of video-game objectives, everyone was left unharmed.
WHAT!?!? To the point that doctors have to WARN people NOT TO DO THIS!?
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.
Her actual words were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
Why would anyone let their little girls go see that movie?
I just switched my “20 year Home Mortgage” to a “Student Loan.”
Follow me for more financial advice.
When someone suggests that I should “remember January 6th” I “remember gas was $2.19 a gallon!”
Instead of electric cars, I think we should bring back the electric chair. It would solve more problems.
You think the media isn’t prejudiced? Explain these figures:
It’s not a Booster! It’s the 4th Shot of a Product That Already Failed Three Times
Just think! If both the baseball teams worked together, they could score so many more points!!
I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper.
He asked me what a hamper was.
I told him, “You know, where we put our clothes before we wash them.”
He got a big smile on his face, grabbed all his dirty clothes and threw them on the floor of my bedroom…but, on his daddy’s side of the bed.
Jon and I were sitting on the porch chatting last night when the subject turned to getting older and Jon said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.” “What do you mean?” I asked “Well,” he replied, “I can barely remember the last time I was able to get ‘excited in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!” I said, “Healthier? How is that?” He paused and then related, “Years ago, when we were both younger, almost every night before we went to bed she’d get these terrible headaches, and now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”
I have questions
Still…still, I have questions.
I remember the day after my son was born, I walked in the hospital room and they were changing his diaper. I looked at him and exclaimed ” man, Teri look at the size of his willy, it’s huge!” “I know, Pete” she replied…..”But at least he’s got your ears.”
That’s actually a pretty cool idea. Weird, but cool.
After our honeymoon, I told Teri, I felt like a new man. She said she did, too.
“I wouldn’t mind being the last man on Earth – just to see if all
of those girls were telling me the truth.”
Stephanie sent that one in and said that, “actually someone yelled at my husband, ‘BLASPHEMY!'”
Feeling sick, my sister Lisa grabbed the thermometer from Mom’s drawer and popped it into her mouth.
“Uh, Lisa, that’s the dog’s thermometer” Mom yelled.
Lisa spit it out “Ewww, that was in Molly’s mouth?!”
Mom hesitated before replying, “Not exactly.”
Learn the ropes….
To understand how an organization works. It has a Nautical origin, where sailors had to learn which rope raised which sail.
To The Bitter End….
This phrase has come to mean the end of one’s endurance.The “bitt” is a post at a ship’s prow to which the end of an anchor’s cable is fastened. If all the anchor cable has been let out, you have come to the bitter end.
Pay Through the Nose….
When the Vikings invaded ninth century Britain, they brought with them their violent customs and imposed strict tax laws on the locals. (Aye, and you thought it was a scheme thought up by our current Government) any citizen refusing to pay would either have his nostrils slit open or his nose cut off. Only when English king Eldred beat Viking leader Eric Bloodaxe in 954 at the battle of Stainmore did the practice stop. However the phrase remained to imply paying dearly for something through the nose.
Keep your pecker up….
Remain cheerful. This is the English pecker, i.e. mouth, as opposed to the American, i.e. penis.
Kick the bucket …..
Die. The wooden frame that slaughtered animals were hung from is known as a bucket. The death spasms of the animals caused them to kick the bucket.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo (2.2lb) of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Beer = Health Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .
And that my dear, dear friends is the PERFECT place to end this one for the day before I leave for my trip. I will have time to at least put together Monday’s episode before I leave, but after that I have no idea what’s going to happen. If I’m really lucky I’ll be able to give you guys a SITREP on a daily basis. But, we’ll see. I’m able to update from my phone, but they are crappy little updates, but they ARE updates.
In the meantime, may Goodness and Mercy follow YOU all the days of your life and may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
This little guy, pictured above is on his way to my house. He is a gift, being sent to me by our own Stephen B. You have seen his carvings here before. And now, I am the beneficiary of his artistic skills. All I can say, and say as publicly as I know how, is thank you very much. Stephen, you are way too kind to this old dragon.
From here, nothing else seems anywhere near as important, so let’s jump into the laffs.
Most snakes crawl on the ground, but there are some snakes that walk upright and speak English.
I’m gonna quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!
I estimate I’ll be home again around 10pm this evening.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice-versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called “vegetarians” which was an early human word meaning “bad hunter”) learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women while others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. And that’s okay, we understand.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and also to just irritate a bunch of liberals.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, personally, I’m going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!
Being VERY familiar with Border Collies, this is not near as far fetched as it looked.
“I want to know who the little brats are who are making so much noise this early in the morning! I will eat them myself, one by bloody one!!!!”
Stephen B sent this one to us:
Who doesn’t remember Howard Cosell saying “Down goes Frasier, Down goes Frasier” in the Ali Frasier fight?
Check out these two videos on the Gardians vs the White Sox.
First video announcer says, “Down goes Anderson, Down goes Anderson”!
Second video shows the punch and how Anderson got stunned and fell down like he was KO’d.
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone. Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the King, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?
Answer below ↓
M&Ms of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 horsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
Companions forever.
Okay, this is something special. My good friend, brother, and someone who I’ve come to count on for special stuff and good conversation. There are a couple of you out there. Joe sent me this and it hit me really hard. There are some GREAT Words of Wisdom here.
Words of Wisdom
Compliment three people every day. This can never go wrong. One of the greatest way to lead people is to catch them doing something right and them tell them about it.
Watch the sunrise at least once a year. More. Watch other things of God’s making. And then thank Him for that.
Be the first to say, “Hello.”
Live beneath your means. It is ALWAYS better to not live above your means. Live as far beneath your means as you can.
Treat everyone like you want to be treated. Matthew 22:39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. And there is a reason that is the second great commandment behind loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind. You can NEVER go wrong with treating someone the way YOU would want to be treated. Putting yourself in their position and reacting in the way you think they would want you to react.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen.
Forget the Joneses. If you are worried about what the neighbors think or trying to outdo them, you already are wrong.
Never deprive someone of hope. It may be all he has.
Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage. That is wonderful advise at any time.
Be tough-minded but tenderhearted.
Be kinder than necessary. Always
Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. This is very important to remember.
Keep your promises. At all costs!!
Learn to show cheerfulness, even when you don’t feel like it. A real smile goes so much further than anything else you can give.
Remember that overnight success usually takes about 15 years.
Leave everything better than you found it. This will leave you with a GREAT reputation
Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do.
When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone’s day.
Don’t rain on other people’s parades.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. Always great advice.
Thanks Joe!
Most snakes crawl on the ground, but there are some snakes that walk upright and speak English.
My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this!…
Her: You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?
Me: Yeah
Her: Wind it forward one hour, 16 minutes, and 28 seconds.
Me: Right, I’ve done that.
Her: Okay, you see that gladiator at the front fighting the lion?
Me: I can see that, yeah.
Her: Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!
Me: Okay, I see them.
Her: Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a woman gladiator holding a spear.
Me: Yes! I can see her!
Her: Right…! Those are the Sandals I want for my birthday.
Fact Of The Day:
US President for Only 32 Days
William Henry Harrison was the ninth United States President and his term of office lasted for only 32 days, from March 4, 1841 to April 4, 1841. Harrison gave a nearly two hour speech at his inauguration on March 4. It was a rainy and cold day. Harrison chose to ride on horseback and wore neither an overcoat nor a hat. Thirty-two days later, he died of pneumonia.
That’s so sad…
I’m gonna quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!
I estimate I’ll be home again around 10 pm this evening…
We really picked a bad generation to start a World War III…they can’t even fight anxiety from being called by a wrong pronoun.
Yeah, that one’s been around for a LOOONNNGGG time. But it is so worth repeating.
This is such an important question. Why are we not shouting this from the rooftops? At all the congressional and senatorial meetings? Why are we not holding these idiots accountable?
Crazy how Florida is hotter than California but Florida has electricity.
Lucky for me I don’t have enough friends for an intervention.
Fact Of The Day:
The Four Chicken McNuggets
Did you know there are four different shapes for the McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets? Well now you do. The four shapes are: Ball…Bell…Bone… and Boot.
The next time you dislike your life, remember it’s all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.
Mean people don’t bother me a bit.
Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me A LOT.
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
Where does Peter Pan like to eat out?
Wendy’s
My favorite allergy song is “Blowin’ in the Wind” by Peter Pollen Mary
My mate phoned me and said, “I’m in a quiz, could you help me? What is the second largest State in America?”
I replied, “Texas.”
Thirty seconds later he sent a message to my phone saying: What’s the second largest State in America?!!
When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils… they dilate.
And that’s it my friends. I’m getting closer and closer to leaving for Colorado. I hope I have an opportunity to carry on while I’m gone. I’m leaving in the middle of the night Sunday morning.
And by the way, our “Who’s the oldest and Who’s the youngest” contest is still going on. Right now I’ve only gotten 4 entrants. And if that’s all I get, then so be it. Nobody has gone for the youngest yet. I asked for 30 year-olds and nobody bit, so how about 40 year-olds? Any takers?
And in the mean time, May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
So, no complaints about Saturday’s issue being a crappy issue, so I guess you guys were satisfied with my super fast build. Although somebody marked the email as spam and got me in trouble with Word Press. They, of course, threatened to close down the website if I continued to get “spam complaints” from people. I wrote back to them and told them that the only people who were getting emails from my website were people who signed up to get email from my website. If, after they signed up they then marked the email as spam then there wasn’t anything I could do about someone making a mistake or doing such things on purpose.
I am now awaiting their response.
Like a webserver is going to cut off someone who pays every year. Sheesh. But, I know that it was an automated email sent to me, but I am kinda curious to see if I get a response from them or not.
Anyway, it’s actually Saturday and I’m actually watching preseason football on TV.
But Impish, didn’t you tell us that you cut off your TV service?
I did, as a matter of fact. But a buddy told me about a website called Streameast where ALL sports games are simulcast. And I mean ALL sports games. They have sports on there that I’ve never even heard of.
So, I got to see the Colts get beat in their first pre-season game. Which is one of the reasons that I don’t normally watch pre-season. Most of the teams aren’t really trying, because they are too busy still checking out players under pressure. So, they are putting in players and, more importantly, combinations of players, that they wouldn’t normally put in those situations. And the Colts do that better (worse?) than a lot of other teams do.
But anyway, I digress and discuss silly stuff.
My breakfast for Men’s Breakfast went very well. It even came with a warning:
Each batch, which was supposed to serve about ten people, but with those guys served about seven, had 15 eggs, 4 cups of cheese (3 different types), 1 lb. of thick cut bacon, 1lb. of sausage, and miscellaneous other stuff. It went over pretty well. Now, I just have to get 5 gazzillion things done this week before I leave for a week next week. But, for now, let’s move on to the laughter, shall we?
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “What a morning. I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs entering the subway. When I was on the ground two punks grabbed my wallet. I had to borrow subway fare from a stranger to get here.”
The boss responded, “And this took hour?”
Here’s one that’s really old and holds great meaning…
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming –WOW — What A Ride!
Queso = Spanish for cheese
K, so = Southern for here’s the plan and y’all probably ain’t gonna like it.
It’s good to keep a pet…ahhhh, but who is the pet and how is the owner. Depends on which one you ask.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
People can have the same parents, live in the same house, and be raised by the same morals…but one still can be a crackhead and the other one a preacher, so you can’t say it was how somebody was raised. It’s the decisions YOU choose to make!
Of all the things I lost, I miss my metabolism the most.
These new all body massage places are getting so high-tech!
Reading fiction is fun because for once the problems aren’t mine.
This is such an awesome cartoon
Heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, spleen, gall bladder, appendix.
I thought you might appreciate my organ recital.
I bought my ex a chair, but the state won’t let me plug it in.
Me: I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.
Boss: You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.
I once got sent out of class at school for being too sarcastic. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?”
I replied, “Hello?”
Very few things upset my wife, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Now that we know the grid is struggling to keep up with energy demands of a few hot days, it seems like the right time to evaluate the plan to plug in 25 million electric cars EVERY single night.
Weird how they found every Jan 6th participant…but no one knows who brought coke to the party.
I wish I lacked common sense.
They all seem so happy…
Vegan food ain’t that bad once you add meat and cheese to it…
Rest Your Mind
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies”, and “Pampers”. while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em, and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit.
I TOLD MYSELF THAT I SHOULD STOP
DRINKING
BUT I’M NOT ABOUT TO LISTEN TO A DRUNK THAT TALKS TO HIMSELF
I was shocked to read in the papers today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed and I just thought to myself “How can anyone stoop so low?”
THE MOST TERRIFYING MOMENT IN LIFE IS WHEN THE TOILET REFUSES TO FLUSH AT SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE.
Do you ever get the urge to start organizing and then 2 hours later you’re just looking around at a mess like…
what the heck have I done?
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs!
And that is it for today. May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
Okay, here’s the deal. I am SOOOOO far behind. It is now 1800 hrs. (6 pm) on Friday night and I am just NOW starting today’s (Saturday’s) issue. I was supposed to have all day long to work on this. I took today off work to do so. But then I had the world’s worst night sleep last night and ended up not getting out of bed until after 0900 this morning, was dragging REALLY bad, then remembered I was supposed to meet a buddy for lunch so I could help him with his resume so he could get a new job working on base with me to get out of the pure crap job he has now, didn’t home from that until 1400 (2pm) and then Izzy reminded me that I promised to take her shopping this afternoon and I wasn’t going to break my promise to her, so we grabbed a pizza on the way home and … here we are. And even under normal circumstances it STILL wouldn’t be a big deal, except I am scheduled to make breakfast for “Men’s Breakfast” at the Church tomorrow morning. My one time a year and have made arrangements to have the door to the Church unlocked at 6 am so I can be ready by 0730 when everyone is expecting to eat, which means that bare minimum I am waking up at 0530. And after the crappy night last night. I gotta get some serious sleep tonight. SO! I am going to give you guys the very best issue that I can give you in two hours time and then I gotta call it. I’m going to apologize right now because I KNOW it’s not going to be up to my usual high standards, but I also know, that you will get some laughs and that’s what counts, right? So, ….
Performance Appraisals Revisited
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ……= Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ……= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ……………= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED …= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ………= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY …………….= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ……= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER ………….= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING ……………..= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER …………….= Won’t make a decision
AGGRESSIVE …………………= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS …= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ……= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL .= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES …….= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT …= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR ………..= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ………………= Back Stabber
LOYAL ……………………..= Can’t get a job anywhere else
From England:
QUIZ CONTESTANTS CONTINUED
National Lottery Jet Set Eamonn Holmes: What’s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.? Contestant: William Shakespeare.
Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er… Mexico?
Family Fortunes 1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword 2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon 3) Name the Capital of France? F 4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell 5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar 6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital 7) What is Hitlers first name? Heil 8) A famous Scotsman? Jock 9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde. 10) A dangerous race? The Arabs 11) Something that floats in a bath? Water 12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse 13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair 14) A famous Royal? Mail 15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine? A bicycle with wings 16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet 18) Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate 19) A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on 20) Something associated with pigs? The Police 21) A sign of the Zodiac? April 22) Something people might be allergic to? Skiing 23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep 24) Something you put on walls? A roof 25) Something Slippery? A conman 26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish 27) A Jacket Potato topping? Jam 28) A food that can be brown or white? A potato 29) Something sold by gypsies? Bananas 30) Something Red? My sweater
The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,
“Mary had a little pig — An scrawny little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary’s Clothes And smelled her little . . .”
He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, “Do you want poetry or prose?”
“Prose!” the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, ” . . . Asshole.”
Relaxing with friends
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
And therein lies my secret…
Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: “Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug.”
The man protested, saying he never drank.
Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: “Drink!”
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. “God! That’s awful stuff!”
“Ain’t it, though?” replied the hillbilly. “Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig.”
Here’s an oldie but very much a goodie. I first heard it as an American Service Member being our hero of the story.
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, “Ma’am, please move your dog. I need that seat.”
The English woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, “You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little FiFi is using that seat?”
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there?”. I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant….Imagine!”
The American didn’t say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
And … Ahhhhh! … Just as I remember it. A most satisfying ending.
Dragon Dreams and other fantasy stuff!
And my dearest, what if you soar?
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pmand ask, ” Did I wake you ???? “
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Also Forward this to every one you can remember
A young missionary on his first term in Africa is out away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom.
This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him, so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.
He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy.
He closes his eyes, praying … but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.
Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading.
As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.
Moral of the story:
Don’t try to read between the lions.
A quiz program contestant had to identify famous slogans.
After several correct responses, he was asked, “Which company originated the phrase ‘ Good to the last drop ‘?”
The contestant thought for a moment and replied, ” Otis Elevator? “
Not surprising. Secretly, ALL girls love dragons. And why not? We’re irresistible.
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn’t keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.
“Three times,” gasped Manny admiringly. “How’d you do it?”
“It was easy.” Joe looked down modestly. “I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten- minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I’ll tell you.”
“I gotta try it,” said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. “What’s up, Boss?” he asked. “I’ve been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren’t going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?”
“What twenty minutes?” growled the boss. “Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?
This next one is from our good friend and fellow camper, Joe from NJ
Critical info you should know before getting solar. ESPECIALLY if you’re putting it on your roof. I would not trust anything a door to door salesman said. Watch this entire report!
…Joe
My friend asked me where he could meet women who scream loudly in bed…
I took him to a maternity ward.
Whoever has my Voodoo Doll, can you please take some stuffing out of the stomach area?
That is EXACTLY what’s going on!
And THAT is exactly what’s going on! Why can’t people SEE IT!!!!!!!!
Too Many Of These!!! BLIND TURNIPS!!!!
If there really is an alien invasion…does that mean the dating pool has expanded? Because at this point…maybe it’s worth a shot.
I admire those with hairstyles. I don’t have a hairstyle. I have hair. Most days, it has zero caterpillars in it. That’s as good as it gets.
I regret to inform you that my brain will think it’s the year 2000 until the day I die. When is 30 years ago? 1970. How long ago were the ’90s? 10 years ago.
Thank you for your understanding in this matter.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
We were driving past a cemetery and my Dad said in a dead serious quiet voice, “I know something you don’t know about this place. The people living in the town aren’t allowed to be buried here.” And I was really confused so I asked why and he said, “Because they’re still alive.”
Have you ever thought, “I’m fat. I’m old. I’m worn out.”
I was young once. To all my female friends from 50 years old and up: Most of us are going through the next phase of our lives. We’re at that age where we see wrinkles, gray hair, and extra pounds. We see the cute 25-year-olds and reminisce. But we were also 25, just as they will one day be our age. We aren’t the “girls in their summer clothes” anymore. What they bring to the table with their youth and zest, we bring our wisdom and experience. We have raised families, run households, paid the bills, dealt with diseases, sadness, and everything else life has assigned us. Some of us have lost those that were nearest and dearest to us. We are survivors. We are warriors in the quiet. We are women, like a classic car or a fine wine. Even if our bodies aren’t what they once were, they carry our souls, our courage, and our strength. We shall all enter this chapter our our lives with humility, grace, and pride over everything we have been through, and we should never feel bad about getting older. It’s a privilege that is denied to so many.
Amen and well said.
Paddy goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with Jack’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
Mike doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to Jack, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally Jack gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confessed to Jack, “Paddy is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
Jack smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago.”
Please ignore the “Best Before Date” on a can of baked beans.
They are the WORST thing you can eat, before going on a date.
And that my dear friends has got to wrap it up! Don’t forget about our contest. I haven’t had ANYONE try for the youngest reader yet. No one’s willing to go out on t hat ledge? Okay, don’t we even have any 30 year old readers? Come on folks!!!! I’m really trying here!!!
Until Monday, everyone of you, stay blessed of the Lord.
Dragon Laffs 