Hey!  Welcome to Thursday!

On Monday I got a great letter in the mail addressed to my brother’s estate.  It was from some initialed LLC out of Minnesota.  They said they had a financial matter they needed to discuss with whoever was handling the estate and they were sorry, but due to legalities, they couldn’t give any details until they determined who that was and if I knew who that was, could I please write back and let them know or if I was REALLY kind I could give them a call.

Of course, it was a collection agency for Verizon phone company.  Yeah, the same ones who said they would cancel out his last bill.  I explained to the very polite man who finally answered the phone what the situation was and he was actually the nicest collector I’ve ever dealt with.  So, I didn’t get to tease him at all.  He’s going to send me a letter, acknowledging what’s going on and will check back with me in about 60 days.

So, with that as the start of today’s issue…

I googled my symptoms.  Turns out I just needed to go on a vacation.

Here you go youngsters, here’s a hint… “Come and knock on our door…”

I got 10 out of the 15

A genie granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy.”

Now I’m living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. 

Follow me for more money saving tips.

“Tell me ‘No’ again and I will slap you into next week…”

My teacher said, “Don’t worry about spelling.  In the future there will always be autocorrect.”  For that I’m eternally grapefruit.

As has been the case lately, this site is from Stephanie…

Freedom of Information Act Electronic Reading Room | CIA FOIA (foia.cia.gov)

I do get sucked into rabbit holes.  https://www.cia.gov/readingroom/home

Truly a very interesting website. 

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” he says.

“She got in the back seat by mistake.”

You guys remember the scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where the apes discover the violence that can be had with a stick?  For some reason this picture reminds me of that scene. 

And here’s another one from Stephanie…

Amazon price tracker, Amazon price history charts, price watches, and price drop alerts. | camelcamelcamel.com

https://camelcamelcamel.com/

I haven’t checked on this site at all yet.  So, check it out and let me know what you think.

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412 

 The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!” 

House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544,completed 1618.

Heck boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!” 

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there?” 

Darned if I know, wasn’t there yesterday…” 

And another one…

GeoGuessr – Let’s explore the world!

My husband got lost in this game for about 3 years. Once got within 10 feet of the locale. https://www.geoguessr.com/

And finally, one last site from Stephanie…and this one is pretty neat.

Tip of My Tongue – Chirag Mehta : chir.ag

Go here: https://chir.ag/projects/tip-of-my-tongue/

An attractive older woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks for a Scotch with only two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today!”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too,” The old woman says, “Thank you for your kindness. Mr. Bartender, I’ll have a Scotch with only two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes her second drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one too.” The old woman says, “Thank you for your kindness. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch with only two drops of water.”

Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink the bartender says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The woman replies, “Kid, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole different issue!”

I don’t like to think before I speak…

I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what I say.

I don’t know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak.

Having a teenage daughter is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses when you try and be nice to it.

Never make a woman mad.  They can remember stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!

Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons…

When batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?

For the past 25 years, my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

This anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste tube.

I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally, yesterday while having dinner, she turned and looked at me and said, “Why have you stopped brushing your teeth??” 

Marriage is a difficult relationship, I tell you.

Lastly tonight, I’d like to share this comment from our dear friend from South Africa…

Great comment Wouter.  Much appreciated and that is an awesome page.  The article made me laugh.  Loved the snakes, but I still want a flame thrower.  Can you imagine the rude guy who cuts you off in traffic and you pull up beside him rolling down the highway and set that thing off?!?!  I laugh just thinking about it!  Almost as much fun as this!…

Except in my human form!  Way too much fun!  Oh, by the way, there is a really good video of the flame thrower at work on the link Brother Wouter sent us.  Thanks, Wouter.  Groete!

And that’s it my friends…until next time!

Welcome to Monday!  I’ve got some interesting stuff to talk about this morning.  I’ve got some praise to give out!  Let’s do that first.

A dear friend of mine whom we’ve been praying for who has had some very weird problems medically.  I don’t want to say more than that because of privacy issues and such, but suffice it to say, that through lots of prayers and apparently through very little medical effort on the doctor’s part, he is healed.  It is a truly wonderful and miraculous thing.  Praise God and I’m so happy for him and his dear wife.

Been talking on line and through email to several friends.  Counseling and reaching out.  There are several people I know who are sick, who have had someone close to them pass away, who are going through some sort of problem, financial dilemma or mental issue and I get this questionnaire in the mail asking me if I think things are better or worse since Biden has taken office.  My mind immediately thinks, “I don’t know a single person, I haven’t heard of a single person, I haven’t seen a single person, other than these left wing democrat liberals who can say that they are better off now than they were when Trump was in office.  And in all honesty, and I do mean truthfully and honestly, most of those democrat liberals that I’m talking about, those TV people, media people and government people, are liars, thieves, and evil people.  They are either outright lying about being better off or they ARE better off by stealing our money.  So no…silly question.  I do not think things are better since Biden has been president.  And now he’s breaking the Constitution.  He’s committing TREASON.  The real question hasn’t anything to do with him committing treason, it has to do with NO ONE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!  

Someone, I don’t remember who, said that he ought to federalize the Texas State National Guard.  I’m not a lawyer, I don’t know whether he can do that or not.  But what I do know is that every National Guardsman, everywhere is supposed to take an oath.  And that oath, that I just read, says that they are to support and defend the Constitution of the United States and the State of whatever state they are in.  They will defend them against all enemies, foreign and domestic and will bear true faith and allegiance to them. They are to obey the orders of the President, the Governor, and the officers placed over them according to law and regulations.  First priority is to support and defend the two Constitutions.  So, if the President is not obeying the Constitution, he immediately voids himself from any other consideration in the chain of command.  He has to.  Because he becomes a threat to your first priority.  Your second priority is bearing true faith and allegiance to the two Constitutions.  You all know what “true faith and allegiance” means, right?

Words like dedication, devotion, fealty, fidelity, obligation, duty, honor, faithfulness… Putting the welfare of the group, the whole, the country ahead of your own.  The stuff the veterans held up their hands and swore to do and the rest of you might be struggling to come to grips with.  

My point in all this is that even if the President WERE to Federalize the Texas National Guard in order to open the border for the crossing of more illegal invaders, my thought is that I don’t believe it would be a lawful order, because it goes against the Constitution which says it is the Federal Government’s responsibility to defend the state’s borders against invaders, which they aren’t doing.  It also says that if the federal government doesn’t or won’t do so, then the state’s can do so, which is what Texas is doing.  And if the federal government tries to take away their ability to defend themselves, that is tantamount to treason.  And under U.S. Code Title 18 the penalty is … well … severe.

And this is now the third time today that I have gotten on a tangent when writing to someone (or someones) and have gone WAY further than I intended.  So, I’m not going to go any further on this or I’ll end up with emails from people saying that all I talk about is politics and religion when all they want to do is laugh and forget.  Well, all I can say to the ones who just want to laugh and forget is, skip past the words and get to the memes.  For the rest of us who want an intelligent conversation, that’s why I write.

Observations on Growing Older

• Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them … 
  • But your grandchildren are perfect!

• Going out is good.
  • Coming home is better!

• When people say you look “Great” …
  • They add “for your age!”

• When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
  • Now you get discounts on everything …movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

• You forget names … but it’s OK because … 
  • Other people forgot they even knew you!!!

• The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 …
  • And you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

• You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. 
  • Especially golf.

• Your spouse is counting on you to …
  • Remember things you don’t remember.

• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do,
  • But you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

• Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
  • It’s called his “pre-sleep”.

• Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”?
  • Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

• You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married …
  • Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

• You miss the days when everything worked …
  • With just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.

• When GOOGLE, iPad, email, modem were unheard of …
  • A mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

• You used to use more 4 letter words …
  • “What?”…”When?”  ???

• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, 
  • It’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

• You read 100 pages into a book …
  • Before you realize you’ve read it.

• Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet … 
  • 2 of which you will never wear.

• But old is good in some things:
  • Old songs
  • Old movies
  • And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

“Frank was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank’s scrotum and wrap very fine wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank. 

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Frank.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.” 

I once got sent out of class at school for being too sarcastic.  The teacher yelled at me, “WHAT WOULD YOUR PARENTS SAY IF I CALLED THEM?”

I replied, “Hello?”

She can do nothing without me.

Yes indeed, we did.

Okay, so remember the article from Stephanie on Saturday about the 35 things about  Mississippi they never taught you in school, right?  Well, our dear friend Wouter from South Africa wrote in to throw the flag on #15 which said:

15. The first heart transplant surgery in the world was performed by Dr. James D. Hardy at the Mississippi Medical Center in 1964.

Dad was saying a local English teacher recently convicted of overusing commas…She’s been told to expect a long sentence.

Oh, and speaking of and remembering old cartoons, remember this one from Saturday’s issue…

I was corresponding with Pop Smith about that one this morning and we were both saying how we’ve had days that have started that way.  But to realize that this was part of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, well, that’s what we used to call them, Warner Brothers cartoon, that used to play on TV for little kids on Saturday morning, and nobody thought anything wrong with it…can you IMAGINE this playing now?!?!  I shutter to think of the poor sheltered parents with the poor sheltered kidlets who would be so horribly traumatized by seeing such a thing. 

(Now you know I’m over here laughing so hard that the tears streaming down my face are almost blinding me from being able to see, right?)

Sigh…too much fun…

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Um… Wouter?

Many people have written in to ask what different members of the team that I have mentioned in the different issues look like.  What Stephanie looks like or Joe or even Sasquatch or … well, you get the idea.  Well, this…

…

…

this isn’t any of them.

(What?  Do you think I’m crazy?  I’m not going to out ANY of them!  They’ll all gang up and hunt me down in the middle of the night!!)

I KNOW!!  I hate it when that happens!  You empty it, you make a new pot!!  The rule is in my office, the boss gets off at 1500 hrs.  If you empty the pot before 1400 hrs., you make a new pot.  If it’s the weekend and the boss is here until 1600 or even 1700, which normally happens, then up to one hour prior to his departure, there better be coffee in the coffee pot.

Oh, did I mention…I’M THE FLIPPIN’ BOSS!!!

And if I empty the pot, I’m more than happy to make a new one.  I say more than happy, because then at least I know it’s made correctly.

What a great picture!

In my mind I’m still 24,
but my back is 65,
my knee is 77,
and my left hip turns 89 next week.

Isaiah 11:6-8  The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox.  The  infant will play near the cobra’s den, and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.

I saw that picture and that scripture just hollered out at me.

Just got another message … comment from Evan and I’ve got to share it.

Yup, we’ve run many similar memes in the past.  It’s truly amazing to me when the stats are actually presented.  And yet the anti-gun crowd still think it’s the guns that are the problem.

Stephanie sent this great link to the story behind a great old psychedelic rock song of the sixties.  

Incense And Peppermints by Strawberry Alarm Clock – Songfacts

Okay, here’s the link  https://www.songfacts.com/facts/strawberry-alarm-clock/incense-and-peppermints

And that allows me to do something that I LOVE to do… THIS:

To all you youngsters out there…to the question you are about to ask, the answer is “yes”.  These are the kinds of songs we listened to when we were young.  And the answer is also “yes”.  To the other questions you were thinking of.  This was 1967 when it came out, so of course we were pretty much baked while listening. 

That is WAY TOO Funny!!!

BENEFITS OF A GOOD VOCABULARY!

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment.”
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin…
and muffins are healthy.
You’re welcome.

Me in high school:  Eats a supreme pizza, a dozen donuts, and a 2-liter bottle of coke at midnight…loses three pounds.

Me now:  Goes up a pants size every time I swallow my own spit.

And he’s doing a damn fine job of it so far!!!

They have the nerve, the absolute gall, to stand up on the podium, in front of the cameras and say that the reason they need to cut the barb wire in Texas is so that the Border Patrol can get in and Patrol the Border to make sure that there are no illegals crossing into our country.  And what do the do when the cut the wire?  They let illegals cross the border into our country.  LIARS!!!

Yeah, I know it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny.

I got this email from Pop Smith:

A few weeks ago you posted a pic of a melted candle.  I knew I had a similar one saved somewhere that I had taken

your pic

One I had taken after a hot summer

Pop Smith

That is way cool.  I like your melted candles much better, Pop! 

And while we’re talking about emails, I got this one from Vincent:

The “ DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE ? “ was said, on Channel 5, at 10pm , just before the 10 o’clock news, many years ago, if I remember correctly; in NYC.

Vi

And that may have been where I heard it too since in Central Jersey we got the Philly and the New York channels.  Especially after Dad had a telephone pole installed in our backyard (he worked for Jersey Central Power & Light, Co. after all)  and put our antenna on top with the newest thing at the time…a rotor.  A rotor was a little motor attached to your antenna so it would turn and face the direction you wanted and fine tune your signal.  These were the days before cable TV.  

And now, a couple of Dart-centric entries curtesy of Stephen B.

Trying is NEVER failure!  Giving up, ALWAYS is.

The missus asked what I was doing on the computer.

I said I was looking for cheap flights…

She got all excited, which is strange as she’s never shown any interest in Darts before!

In High School I was so excited to become a Senior.

I’m not too excited now.

That has GOT to be a little intimidating!

Texas Rangers?

THE FIRST RULE OF THE OCD CLUB IS TO HAVE A SECOND RULE SO THERE IS AN EVEN NUMBER OF RULES.

I know this person.

Canadian Fun Fact:  It is illegal to lock your car doors in downtown Churchill, Manitoba Canada in case someone needs to escape from a polar bear.

You know, that’s probably a very good law.  A better law though would be, DON’T LIVE IN CHURCHILL, MANITOBA CANADA BECAUSE OF THE POLAR BEARS!!!  Just sayin’

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that fact at my daughter’s school concert.

Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched for “ninjas”.  The computer told me, “Ninjas cannot be found.” 

Well played ninjas, very well played.

You never know what I have up my sleeve.

Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.

“I’m looking for the girl-next-door type.  I’m just going to keep moving house until I find her.”

Okay, so having just listened to a podcast where they talked apologetics this last cartoon made me laugh until tears came rolling down my cheeks.  But with that my dear, dear friends, we’re going to call this episode complete!  

It seems my normal state of affairs lately is “running late”.  Here it is again, Friday night, and I’m just now starting tomorrow’s issue.  And I only have a few hours to put it together.  I really don’t like this.  I like putting more time and effort into my work.  Especially when I have stuff to talk about.  

Like Texas and the complete screw up that our Government is making of the border situation.  Biden was actually recorded saying that they can’t stop the flow of military aged men coming across the border.  That sounds an awful lot like treason to me.  We have no idea how many terrorists and people that wish us ill have already crossed, but I do know that it’s more than 40% of the ones who’ve crossed.  They actually had an interview with the head of one of the Iranian terror groups, who had freely walked across the border and he told the interviewer, “You have no idea who I am…but you will.”  And now that they do know who he is, they have no idea where he is.  And he was ballsy enough to say that, while being recorded, to someone who was interviewing him.  Plus he stood there and pointed out everything that America was doing wrong.  Governor Abbott of Texas has set the perfect stage with his letter to Washington and there are an awful lot of other state Governors who are backing him up.  This is an invasion and it is the Federal Governments sworn duty, by the Constitution to defend the States borders from invasion.  And if they won’t do it, then the Constitution gives the states the power to do it.  Not only is Biden’s administration NOT doing it, he is helping the invaders.  That is treason by any sense of the word.  Fellow campers, if you haven’t realized it yet, we are at war…and not just in Ukraine.  We are at war in Iran, Israel, and in our own country.  And it’s all being backed by China and Russia and sanctioned by our own leadership.

Please, I beg of you, if you haven’t made yourself right with God and Jesus, do so soon.  This is all leading up to the final days.  I can feel it.  It might not happen in my lifetime or even in my grandchildren’s lifetime.  But it might happen before I get done writing this next sentence.  Christ could return and take up His faithful followers…and we would be the lucky ones.  Although, I shouldn’t say lucky ones.  But, compared to all those that will be left behind to suffer through the next seven years, whoa baby.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to turn this into a proselytizing session. But sometimes I just can’t help myself.  If anyone would like to talk about that some more, you’ve got my email.

There are other things that we need to talk about, there’s a great, infuriating, but great, article that Stephen B. just sent me that I want to share with you guys, and a 30 minute … um … discussion (?) that I just had with the Social Security Administration about my brother that I really want to share with you guys, but for now…

Okay, to lead us off, here’s a pretty cool article sent to us by our own dear Stephanie.  Thanks sweetheart.

Once every 221 years: What to know about the rare 2024 cicada emergence

While 2024 has already been dubbed the “Year of the Cicada,” the title is especially apt for Illinois as a dual explosion of cicadas will hit parts of the state, with an overlap of two major broods and an emergence that hasn’t been seen in centuries.

The rare event, which could bring billions of cicadas to the surface, only occurs once every 221 years.

Read the rest of this article here:  

I don’t know where they got this gif of me…

Stephen B. sent us this article in answer to the question I asked, no this is not the article I was talking about in the opening, that’s a different article I’ll get to in a minute, this is the question I asked about the recharging road in Sweden.  Actually a couple of others also sent me articles, but I got his first and I liked this article and the other article wanted me to shut off my ad blocker and accept cookies and other things that I don’t like doing so you guys are getting this link.

Sweden’s building an electric road that could charge EVs while driving

And like Stephen pointed out to me, I’ll point out to you, notice the word “could”.

Electric vehicle sales are expected to grow hugely over the next few years, so European countries are now racing to install enough infrastructure to keep them charged. 

Sweden is planning to build a first of its kind, permanent electrified highway by 2025 that would enable EVs to charge while on the go.

And again, read the rest of the article here.  (You are supposed to click on the word “here” and it’s supposed to take you there.  I’m trying something different this time and it should work.  If it doesn’t, my apologies and I’ve ruined the whole thing.  But, we’ll fix it next time, I guess.  But from all appearances, it SHOULD work.  So, go back and click on the word “here”)

And this one is from Stephanie again… and you’ll never guess where Stephanie is from?  I’ll give you one guess.

Mississippi: 35 Facts They Never Taught You In School

https://www.movoto.com/blog/35-mississippi-facts-they-never-taught-you-in-school/

That one’s kinda subtle.  But think about it…try singing it.. there you go!

Just because he is adorable!

This one comes to us from Leah and admittedly it’s a little weird.  No, I’m not making any connections there and you shouldn’t either.  Here’s the headline and the first bit of article:

Stinky situation: Farting passenger on plane allegedly causes flight to turn around

A gassy man apparently caused a big stink aboard an American Airlines fight, according to a viral social media post.

The plane eventually turned around and the passenger was asked to get off the plane, Reddit user lamgalatx wrote.

We all breathed a sigh of relief when he was removed,” lamgalatx noted.

The stinky situation reportedly happened on Jan. 14 during a flight from Phoenix, Arizona to Austin, Texas.

Okay, you’ll have to click here to get the rest of it.  It’s a cute, quick, short read.  Thanks Leah.

Lynn sends us this one.  And I wonder if there is a difference between the Humane Society and the Humane Society of the United States?

You’ve probably seen ads from the Humane Society of the United States: Slow, sad music and pictures of needy dogs and cats that your donation will help—supposedly. In reality, these ads are perpetuating a massive deception on animal lovers. Only 1% of the money raised by the Humane Society of the United States is given to local pet shelters, and HSUS runs zero pet shelters of its own. Despite calling itself a “humane society,” it is not related to the numerous humane societies in towns and counties across America. Thanks to name confusion and misleading ads, however, HSUS collects millions from unsuspecting donors and local shelters get shortchanged.

How little of the money raised by HSUS goes to pet shelters in your state? The map below, which was made using data from HSUS’s tax return to determine the amount of grant money going to help local shelters care for pets. And if you’re wondering where the money does go, here’s a start: Over $100 million in Caribbean “investments,” a multimillion-dollar bribery lawsuit settlement, and a big fat paycheck for CEO Wayne Pacelle.

When I did a google search of “Is my local Humane Society affiliated with the Humane Society of the United States, I got this answer from the Humane Society of the United States:  Local Humane Societies and SPCAs are independent entities and aren’t run or overseen by the HSUS (or any other national entity).  The HSUS works with and supports local shelters in many ways, but running local animal shelters is not why we were founded.  So, do not take out your frustration of the HSUS on your local Humane Society of (fill in the blank) County that you have been supporting all this time.  Thanks Lynn!

AHHHHH ANOTHER EXCUSE TO PLAY MY FAVORITE…..!!!!!

YES!

Okay, so THIS is the article that Stephen B. sent me that I wanted to rant about!!!  But, I’m now REALLY short on time and I’m not even half way done with this issue.  So, I’ll  tell you what the subject line of the email he sent me was:  WHAT??????????   And my response was:  Unbelievable!!!!!!!!  And here’s what he sent me:

Seattle has agreed to pay $10 million to 50 demonstrators who sued over the police department’s heavy-handed response to racial justice protests in 2020, in a settlement announced by attorneys from both sides Wednesday.

Now, here’s the link: LINK  And now, you must go and read the article, because when I tell you that the police may have used a little bit of excessive force to the MOB, but I really don’t blame them.  They were NOT peaceful protestors.  This is pure craziness and just another example of  everyone buying into the whole craziness.  Sure, let’s all agree how great the emperor looks in his new clothes.

“These stupid scavenger hunts get worse every year.”

It has been said that, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times.

That’s something to keep in mind next time you’re looking for a used car.

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his five- year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather……………and unto the Soonnn………and into the hole he gooooes.”

RING! RING! RING!

* Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave…

       Is this the water department?

* Yes Ma’am, for most of this area…

       Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water…

* I’ll try and help…

       Why are my nipples getting so hard?

* You’re not really serious…

       I AM SO!!  My nipples… they’re hard and they have this white coating on them!

* Uhhhh, huh… hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh… stuff…

       Not only that, they’re getting warped!

* I see…

       They used to be soft, pink and round!

* I’m sure they were…

       Now they really look disgusting!

* I’m sure they do…

      So I want to know what you’re going to do about this!

* I really don’t think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?

       Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!

* I see… uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?

       He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that

* Sounds painful… can’t you just sponge them off?

       Painful?!  THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I’M TALKING ABOUT!

* Now I understand…

       Are you going to buy me new ones?

* Why would we do that?

       Because your water ruined these. My baby won’t suck them anymore. He’s been sick and I think it’s from the white stuff… he used to really suck…

* May I ask how old your baby is?

       He’s six, going on seven

* Six… and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he’s getting a little old for the bottle…

      DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!

* I wasn’t. How long have you been using these nipples?

       Since he was born

* Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water… kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple… and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years…

So! You are refusing to pay!

* Well, that’s not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.

       THEY WOULDN’T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!

* There is really nothing more I can do for you…

       JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?

* Well, why don’t you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim…

       What good would that do? Will they give me the money?

* They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not…

       Well, you sure haven’t been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?

* Just show them your nipples!

I got Goat on a Boat…anybody got anything different?

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here’s a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads. 

A child’s behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent. 

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time.  Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. 

The choice of a preschooler’s best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. 

A child’s enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent’s enjoyment. 

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. 

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year—unless it is the only food in the fridge. 

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor. 

Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Catfood dish replaced with a trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.

It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.

Has more chins than lives.

Joe from NJ sent me this form in email…I’m kinda hoping it was a mistake…. Joe…you got something you need to talk about, buddy?  A country you’re planning on overthrowing?

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. About you.

[_] Mr.

[_] Mrs.

[_] Ms.

[_] Miss

[_] Lt.

[_] Gen.

[_] Comrade

[_] Classified

[_] Other

First Name: …………………………………………

Initial: ……..

Last Name:……………………………………………

Password: ……………………….. (max. 8 char) Code Name:………………………………………..

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ………. ……….

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20.. /……./…..
4. Serial Number:…………………………………..
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalogue / showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / maneuverability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Miscellaneous Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal check

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveler’s check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defense Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers; please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilization / overthrow

[_] Defaulting on loans

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDonnell DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division.

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged, or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor, or irrational religious beliefs.

If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email; although the Collie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert.

Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk, and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

NHL player who refused to wear the pride rainbow, Ivan Provarov had his jerseys completely sell out on NHL Shop and Fanatic.

America Hates Wokeness.

Does anyone remember…way back…when one of the channels on TV every night at 10 pm would come on and say, “It’s 10 p.m.  Do you know where your children are?”  I almost want to say it was NBC because I seem to remember it with the peacock.  Just checked and according to Wikipedia, which I don’t trust as far as I can throw it, from the late 60’s to the late 80’s and on a lot of different channels, so the whole peacock thing for me might have been a local thing.  And it all started because most cities started to enact a curfew in response to a rise in crime.

This is from brother Joe.  Some of this are old, but they are all cute as can be.

What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something completely innocent and they are so serious? These have to be original and genuine – no adult is this creative.

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. 
Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you just look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.  She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, ‘How much do I cost?’

MARK (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at the older lady for a while and then asked ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked, ‘What happened to the flea?’

CHARLOTTE (age 5) was the only young girl taking a karate course with a class of little boys. One night after a karate session her father noticed she was limping in pain. When he asked what was wrong, she replied, ‘I think I got kicked in the nuts.’

This particular Sunday sermon…
‘Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, ‘Without you, we are but dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four- year-old-girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

Supreme Court Rules Texas Must Replace Barbed Wire With Giant Red Carpet

U.S.·Jan 23, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

NOGALES — In yet another 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that Texas must remove all barbed wire along the border and replace it with a massive, plush red carpet.

“How will migrants be able to get in the country if there’s barbed wire in the way?” said a visibly confused Justice Sotomayor. “They might get hurt! An elegant red carpet makes much more sense. It’s soft and red and can helpfully point the way to gaps along our border and make our new migrants feel welcome. It says that in the Constitution somewhere. Like, in Section 3 Article B or whatever.”

The border patrol responded to the ruling immediately and is now hard at work cutting gaps in the barbed wire fence and rolling out a red carpet across the border. “Hooo boy! This is just like in the Hollywood picture shows!” said one officer while rolling out a carpet for a small band of Al Qaeda operatives and Somali pirates. “Welcome to America, friends! You’re all stars to us!”

The ruling also specified that migrants be supplied with limousines, bodyguards, and expensive gift bags filled with face creams and jewelry. “It’s the least we could do,” said Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. “It says that in the fourth paragraph of the 38th Amendment, I’m pretty sure.”

At publishing time, Texas Governor Greg Abbott had desperately attempted to deter migrants by lining the red carpet with bear traps.

Sounds just like Orlando

Bride: “The two best things that I cook are meat loaf and apple dumplings.” 

Groom: “Which is this?”

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.

It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.

The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but I’m positive I have the right number.”

SAN ANTONIO, TX — With the Biden administration challenging Texas’ right to defend its own border, Governor Abbott has ordered razor wire placed around The Alamo in preparation for a final stand against the feds.

“This is why we remember The Alamo,” said Governor Abbott as the wire was unrolled. “Because you never know when a senile President will refuse to allow us to defend our border from invasion. Also, because it’s a really handy marker if you get lost in downtown San Antonio. The Riverwalk gets so confusing.”

Though some questioned Governor Abbott placing The Alamo at the heart of his defenses, Texas has rallied around the governor’s plan. “Sure, the Alamo fell once,” admitted local woman Mandy Timmons. “But Davy Crockett didn’t have razor wire, or a massive, heavily-armed citizenry. I like our chances.”

According to surveys, Texans have for decades now been praying for something to finally trigger secession. “Pretty much every Texan wants to secede, we just needed a reason,” explained local man Raul Gonzales. “It always seemed like secession would be such a hassle, what with all the paperwork. I’m so glad we finally got the little nudge we needed.”

At publishing time, dozens of Texans had reported that the ghost of Davy Crockett had been seen lurking on The Alamo walls at night, watching the horizon.

“Four years ago, my cousin ran for a Member of Congress.”

“What’s he doing now?”

“Nothing. He got elected.”

Prayer for Husbands

Dear God, Keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they do not need and bargains they cannot afford.

Lead them not into temptation, for they know NOT what they do!

Prayer for Wives

Almighty Father, Keep our Husbands from looking at other women and comparing them to us.

Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and nightclubs.

Above all, please do NOT forgive their trespasses for they know EXACTLY what they do.

A rich man went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you”. The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. “It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man. “No expense was spared.”

And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back.

“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

 “You just wait until Sunday,” the rich man said.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at  the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

“Wonderful!” said the vicar, “Marvelous!”

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into  his text and, when 12 o’clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight.

Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

“Wonderful!” said the congregation, “Marvelous!”

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, “Get back in there, and don’t come out until you’re told!”

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

I LOVE that one!!  And that is oh so true!

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month programme that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to faithfully practice these techniques.

The following year, the program was declared a complete failure; the birth rate had actually increased.

The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following the birth control techniques; 79% of the men were taking the pill every day, and 98% of them were carefully putting a condom on their index fingers before sex – just as demonstrated on TV.

Dear Alcohol…

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you’re even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.  Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips. (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it’s completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures:

This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don’t like when I’m sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles:

If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I’m with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m.-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan.

Joe, we really have to talk, my friend.

So, it’s now very late, I got home from picking up my Izzy Dragon a little while ago and I am ready for bed.  I was SO Mad this morning.  I had just started to have this dream about Mary and my alarm went off!  I actually shut it off and laid there and tried to go back to sleep to get back into the dream and figured I’d be late to work or even call in sick or whatever —

And I couldn’t fall back asleep.

Wow…what a disappointment.

Anyway, I got a letter from the Social Security Administration today addressed to my brother and I guess, according to the letter, he applied for disability and was approved.  According to the letter he was to start getting checks in the amount of two thousand and some odd dollars a month beginning in February.  So, of course, my first thought is they don’t know he died.  So I call and have to fight my way through their computer menu first: “Customer Service!”

“I understand you’d like to speak to someone, but if you tell me what your call is about, perhaps I can assist you quicker.”

“Um… okay… report a death.”

“Okay, I understand you’d like to plan a murder.  For pre-planned murders, press 1, for accidental deaths, press 2, for pre-planned that appear to be accidents, press 3, for suicides, press 4, for all other deaths, press 5, for something else, press 6, to hear this menu again, press the star key.”

So I press 6

“Hello, welcome to the Social Security Administration help line.  How can I be of assistance today?”

“I want to speak to a human being!”

I understand that you’d like to reek of string beans.  I’m sorry.  I’m going to have to connect you with a customer service representative since I don’t know how to handle that request.

After a truly ridiculous amount of fake computer clicks and snaps and transfer sounds like I was being switched to a switchboard on Mars and back again…I swear I wouldn’t have been surprised to have heard Lt. Uhura’s voice ask if I needed to be beamed up…another computer voice comes on and says:

We’re sorry, all of our representatives are busy helping other customers at the moment.  Your current estimated wait time will be approximately 45 minutes.  If you’d like to leave a call back number press 2 or you can stay on the line.  If you leave a call back number, you will not lose your place in line.

Now, I’ve never had great luck leaving a call back number so I almost always hang on the line and let the hold music play, but theirs’s was some truly horrendous and scratchy hold music.  So I took a chance, recorded my name and they already had my number and I hung up.  I figured if I did get a call back it would be twice what they told me.  But surprisingly, right at around the 45 minute mark, (I didn’t really time it all that accurately, but it was fairly close) I got a call back and was put on hold again for about 5 minutes and this great guy named Michael came on the line.  He actually was helpful and nice, spoke English and actually joked back at me when I cracked wise with him.  So, that’s the good news.  The bad news is that SSA screwed up big time.  Because when I told Michael what was going on, he told me that they already knew my brother was dead.  I said, “Oh good.  So you guys have a handle on this and I won’t worry about it.”  He he said no, I’m going to put you on hold for a minute and check on something.  That proceeded to be me on hold for 25 minutes on and off for the next 30 minutes of our phone call.  The bottom line being that yes, they knew he was dead, but somebody decided to send him payments every month anyway.  Now, they owe his estate back pay for when he was still alive, but they haven’t even figured out yet how much that is.  This was not back pay they were sending him.  This was his regular monthly disability pay.  Even though they knew he was dead.  Like Michael told me, if I hadn’t called them and got this stopped before it started and the checks started showing up, the paperwork mess for his estate (for ME!) would have been HUGE!  Even though it was them that messed up.  He said the only thing he can figure is that some new kid at the local office messed up and did the wrong paperwork.

I told him that would have been in Florida, and Florida is such a screwed up state that it wouldn’t surprise me at all!  It is SO bad there, I can’t see how anyone lives there!

And there was a long pause on the phone and I said, “I’m gonna feel really crappy if you live or are from Florida.”  and he comes back with, “Tallahassee”.  And there’s another long silence on the line and then he starts cracking up and he says, “Nah, I’m just kidding.” and we both laugh and that’s what I mean that he poked back, which I thought was GREAT!

Anyway.  That was my adventure with the SSA today, and now I’m falling asleep and you guys are going to be able to read this in about 2 hours so I need to hit the rack.  May God Bless you and Keep you until we can meet again.  And may Goodness and Mercy follow you all the days of your life.

And like Yukon Cornelius told me just a little while ago, read your Bibles people!  And pray!

So, I started putting this together and before I got anywhere at all I got sucked down a YouTube rabbit hole of  Karens being arrested and stupid drivers and stuff like that and before I knew it the whole hour I was going to dedicate to this was gone.  And now I have to take the dogs out and go and get Izzy from work and go to bed so I can get up and go to work in the morning.  We are at the beginnings of an ice storm for over night so maybe I’ll get a base delay or maybe even a base closure for tomorrow and I’ll have some time to work on this tomorrow morning…we’ll see.  So, until then.  God bless you my friends.

So, where was I … oh, yeah, well, we did get delayed this morning, but not enough for me to do any work on this.  It’s not Tuesday night and I have to get this finished tonight or it won’t get done because I have jail tomorrow night.  We did get an ice storm… sort of.  It wasn’t as bad as everyone worried, but it was still pretty bad.

Anyway, long story short, I need to get this issue going so you guys have something to read on Thursday.  I’ll try not to rant too much, but there are a couple of things I want to talk about, so we’ll see how that goes.  In the mean time…

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.” So she did. “Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room.” So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, “OK now crawl reery fass to me.” So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.”

Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

This is from Stephen B.

I saw your post about the Loch Ness soup ladle.    Here is a picture of a Loch Ness Monster I made for my son at the request of my daughter in law…..(it is carved in 4 different parts.)

I think it is adorable!

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say,

“Oops, gotta run!”

I really need to check into this!  Or even better, have one of my many Dragon Laffs fact checkers out there check on it for me.  Any takers?

Just because it’s a beautiful pictures

Two girls were discussing pranks they had played on people in the past while waiting for a bus.

After they boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the other, “Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.”

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.

“My dear Mr. Wilson,” she gushed, “fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you. Why, you’re almost a stranger. My, but I’m tired.”

The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before, but he rose and said pleasantly, “Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn’t often I see you on washday.

No wonder you’re tired. Being pregnant isn’t easy. By the way, don’t deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the Lawyer’s office to see whether she can get your husband out of jail.”

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it

I was greeted with ” is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss” not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, “get really good pictures of the body and all the blood” then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shakey voice.

I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, very enjoyable.

Okay, before someone else points it out, this is quite obviously a rip-off of Tom Mabe from the famous Bob and Tom show out of Indianapolis.  Right here:

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

When asked what he would do if released, he replied, “I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place.”

Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. “I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place”

Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.

The patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out.

But this time he was ready. He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down.”

“Good,” they said, and then what?”

He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”

They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?

“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed.”

“Yes?”, the board said excitedly.

“Then I am going to gently remove her panties,” he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked, “Then what are you going to do?”

He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!”

“We are willing to purchase ALL the girl scout cookies you can acquire … and we don’t care HOW you acquire them!”

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business.

Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds.  Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem.

The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill.  The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of… “dye a rhea.”

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

-Voltaire (1694-1778)

YEAH BABY!!!

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as “living-impaired.”
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

And I deal with some of these strategies every single day.

Absolutely the PERFECT response!!

A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job.  

He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 

Upon his arrival at the workers’ compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.  

Assessor:  “I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, I feel really sick.” 

Assessor:  “All right then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.” 

Assessor:  “And what about the cabin in which you drive?”
Trucker:  “Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.”

Assessor:  “What about the waste itself?  Where is that kept?” 
Trucker:  “Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.” 

Assessor:  “Let me see if I get this straight.  You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, that’s right.  All lead.” 

Assessor:  “Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.” 
Trucker:  “I’m not suing for radiation poison.  I claiming for lead poisoning!” 

Women always say some snide little comments when they catch their guy looking at a cute girl.

Bills wife caught him last week. She said, “You look like a kid in a candy store!”

Thank God Bill is witty. He came right back with, “Yeah, well, I’m married now so, I’m a kid with diabetes in a candy store.”

TEN THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a hoot.
3. How about “never?” Is “never” good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

“You filthy pervert!” she shrieked. “What makes you think I’d let you do a thing like that to me?”

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, “Unless you’re the s.o.b. that stole my diary…”

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed,” many women still sleep with their husbands.

I loved that one!

Sometimes you might feel like no one’s there for you, but you know who’s always there for you?

Laundry.

Laundry will always be there for you.

Nostalgia was a lot better back in MY day.

“Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”

[Terrible joke.  Only three stars.]

You can’t hang with me if you’re going to cry every time they handcuff us.

Guess who cleaned their house today!!

Not me, but someone did and I’m proud of you!

Just got my shot for Shingles.  
Just to be safe I got one for Vinyl Siding, too.

“Allow me to slip into something more comfortable.”
[Gets in my car and leaves]

Not me!  That’s crazy!!

Okay, so I want to bring one more thing up.  Did you guys hear about the two Navy Seals who drowned?  Even the American Legion is apparently buying into this farce.  Why farce?  Well, supposedly they tell us that one of them fell over board and the other one went in after him to try and save him and they both disappeared and can’t be found and are presumed drowned.  That was the first story that came out.  The American Legion email that I got referenced a Stars and Stripes article that says that the Seals seized an unflagged ship carrying illicit Iranian-made weapons.  While boarding the ship, one of the Seals went under in the heavy seas and a teammate went in to save him.

Now, add to that the article states that the seals were backed on this mission by drones and helicopters.

And it comes out today when they identified the men that one was 37 years old with like 10 years of being a seal and the other was 27 with a couple of years of experience.  Both of them were highly decorated.

Here’s where I as a surfer, sailor and someone who spent a LOT of time on the water as a younger person, and apparently MANY in the SEAL community have a problem with this “story”.  Seals wear floatation devices.  They also wear locator beacons.  Seals spend half their life in the water, if one of them were to fall in the water, why would another feel like he had to go in after him?  And if they had so much gear on that they would sink quickly, like some had postulated, they would be trained in how to quickly get out of that gear.  It also doesn’t explain why they couldn’t be located since the locator beacon is also an integral part of their uniform.  Heck, as an old man, I could stay afloat for several hours with NO floatation device in any kind of seas even now and these guys spend, like I said, half their breathing hours in the water and are in the best shape of their lives!

So, I’m sorry.  I’m throwing the BS flag on this play.  Someone is lying to us about something.  This did NOT go down the way they said it did.  

Anybody care to argue with me over this?

And that’s all I’ve got for today my friends.  Time to call it a night.  I’ve still got a ton of stuff to do before I can call it a night.  My Love to you all.  May our God Bless you with Peace and Comfort until we meet again.

Another Whelpling special…but the others that I have are a bit of the same, so this may be the last header featuring strictly the Whelpling art for a bit…unless he suddenly dumps some more on me…or someone else would like THEIR artwork featured (HINT!  HINT!)  (I really can’t be any more subtle than that!!!) 

Anyway, more snow on the ground…and to think I used to really like this stuff. 

I got my Wednesday Jail Ministry stuff all set up and ready to go, but I still need to get my Thursday Ministry stuff ready, and I have a doctor’s appointment Monday afternoon where I hope to be able to unburden myself to my doctor about a few things.  I need to finish this up today (Saturday) and tomorrow so that it will be available to you guys on Monday otherwise you won’t get it until Thursday.  If I can get it ready fast enough, I can work on Thursday’s … and therein lies the problem.  I’m not having enough time to do all of this at the same time.  So, I’m thinking I’m going to have to realign my Dragon Laffs delivery schedule.  Here’s how it sits right now:

Monday   Work   Dragon Laffs Publish

Tuesday   Work   

Wednesday   Work   Jail Ministry

Thursday   Work   Thursday Ministry   Dragon Laffs Publish

Friday   Work

Saturday   Dragon Laffs Publish

Sunday   Church

And on those weekends where I have to work, it REALLY throws a wrench into things.  I had a meeting with my counselor the other day.  Yes, I still do that, not on any kind of regular basis.  Our deal is that if she feels like it’s been too long and calls me and “suggests” a meeting, I say yes and make a time work.  If Izzy says, “You need to talk to your counselor (I won’t use her name because I don’t have permission to use her name and that’s my rule, although anyone who works on base knows who I’m talking about) then I take Izzy seriously and strongly consider setting up a meeting.  If I think I need a meeting, I call her and she makes a spot for me within a day or three.  Usually the next day and even on that day.

Anyway, as I was saying, I had a meeting with my counselor the other day that I called, first one in a little while and I told her about things and she told me that she was concerned because I wasn’t taking any me time.  I told her, “What are you talking about?  I do all kinds of stuff.  I’m busy all the time.”  She said, “Yeah, helping other people.  You’ve got the Wednesday night thing, the Thursday night thing, the Grief Group on base two Wednesdays a month at lunch time, bible study the other two Wednesdays a month, you’ve got a couple people you are grief counseling individually, you are on the security team at the church…” I interrupted and said, “yeah, but that’s like an hour…”  she interrupted me back and said, “Don’t interrupted me.  But it still takes time away from you.  Sure, you are busy and fulfilled and I can tell by talking to you about it that it brings you satisfaction, but it brings you satisfaction by helping other people.  When do you allow other people to help you?”

“You are still waiting on this estate stuff for your brother to go through, you just got sued and that didn’t go well at all for you, you had to put so much of your own life on hold, including your own TEETH so you can’t even eat properly.  You’re holding all this together by the skin of your teeth, that you don’t have I might add…”

“Very funny.”  I threw in.

“So I’m asking you, when is it your turn?”

So I sat there and I thought about it.  I thought about it for a lot longer than I thought I would.  I’ll tell you what I told her in a minute, but I’ll be honest with you guys, cause you’re family and loved ones and there’s very few people that I can share things with like I can share with you…I’m STILL thinking about it.  I’m thinking about it a lot.  And what I think, that I didn’t tell her, but what I’ll share, a little bit with you, just between us girls…

What else have I got to do?  That’s also why haven’t really pushed too hard for my retirement yet.  I think I NEED a reason to get up in the morning or I’m not sure I would.  In my personal life I’m really pretty lonely.  Most of my emotional interactions are right here, on line, and delayed.

What I told her was a bit like that, not as in-depth.  I know, I didn’t really go in depth with you guys, but you should have seen what I wrote and deleted and wrote and deleted and wrote and … you get the idea. lol.

Okay, and I am beginning to realize this is turning into a whine and not an opening, so let’s get back to the topic at hand and that of realigning the publication….

I take Saturday and Sunday to work on Monday’s issue.
Monday and Tuesday night to work on Thursday’s issue.
That only leaves Friday night to work on Saturday’s issue.

I will also use the weekend to get Wednesday night and Thursday night’s classes ready.

I don’t see as how I can do any better than that.  So…we’ll let it go for now and see how it plays out.  It was easier when Lethal Leprechaun was around.  We split the duties.  I had Saturday, he had Wednesday and we would throw out an occasional special issue here and there and it all worked out.

So enough of this verbal wondering in circles., let’s get to the other stuff.

I know, you are probably already tired of listening to me, but I wanted to share something with you before I forgot the math. 

Yes, we are going to talk about math.

So, Sasquatch sent me a link to a twitter … sorry … X (that’s so stupid and we’ll get to that rant another time) feed called “something to think about going all electric” and the guy on the video does some fast math and I don’t trust anyone else’s math, so I looked up the figures and did some of my own.  Follow along with me:

The average house (I used Indiana since that is where I live and it also happened to be the highest of the examples that were given) uses approximately 1.4 kilowatts of electricity per hour to run.  That is an average over a whole year.  Of course there are going to be times it’s higher and times it’s going to be lower.  The AVERAGE is 1.4 kW

The new super fast car chargers can charge up to 350 kilowatts per hour.  Now that’s not saying all the cars can handle charges that fast, but looking on line I found a few that can…the new modern economical ones can, so let’s give them the absolute benefit of the doubt.  The very BEST that I found was that one of the cars could go from a 10% charge to an 80% charge in 18 minutes.  Now, before anyone gets on me about how batteries don’t charge evenly across time, I know that, but we’re talking averages here.  By the math, that would take a battery about 25 minutes from completely empty to completely full.

So, in that 25 minutes that’s it’s going to take to charge that car, it’s going to use about 147 kw.  Which means, in that same time period, we could run 222 houses in Indiana (for that 25 minutes) or, 105 houses for an hour, or one house for one family for 105 hours or 4 days and 9 hours.  How many miles are you going to get on that full charge?  Oh…and how many charging stations are normally going at the same time?  In the video that I saw there were six.  And the example he used was much more pessimistic than my numbers. So let’s see 6 stations, that’s 630 hours per really great vehicle, longer for most of the other vehicles, that’s now almost a month worth of electricity for one lucky family just for 25 minutes at the charging station.

And we can’t keep the lights on in some states NOW.  What are we going to do when the idiots tell us that’s the ONLY kind of vehicle we are ALLOWED to have?

When are we going to stop letting the morons run the country?

Okay, I’m done.

Okay, Ted sent in this, as he put it, “Interesting Article” and I agree.  It is an interesting article.

The gripping true story behind Masters of the Air, the new Band of Brothers show starring Barry Keoghan

Sadly, I can’t cut and paste it right here, I have to give you a link to it, so here’s the link, click on it and read.  It is a good article.  Especially if you have Apple TV+ and if you enjoyed the old HBO classic Band of Brothers https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/the-gripping-true-story-behind-masters-of-the-air-the-new-band-of-brothers-show-starring-barry-keoghan/ar-BB1gYQPs?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=866e6fb75b314de1d2967c4662f62864&ei=5

Some of you youngsters probably won’t get that one.

I wanted so much to be able to just have this next one play for you guys, but it wouldn’t work.  You have to click on the link because it’s a Facebook reels video.  But it is well worth it.  Thanks Ted for sharing this one with us.  It is excellent.https://www.facebook.com/reel/1245574433498208

https://www.facebook.com/reelhttps://www.facebook.com/reel/1245574433498208/1245574433498208

Remember the nursey rhyme about little fuzzy wuzzy?  There’s one about little scaley waley too.

And that’s gonna be with about 5 minutes of commercials.

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session but here we are.

I was laying in bed last night. 
My wife said, “Honey, make me scream with one finger.”
So I poked her in the eye.

A good woman is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her in the first place.

Look for it…you’ll see it eventually.

And you think your high school year book pictures were weird

As I fold my third load of laundry, I contemplate becoming a nudist.

Then I remember what I look like naked, and keep folding.

And that EXACTLY describes the problem

The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said, “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played sasshole, well played.

There are so many great lines…

Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner.  It’s going to save you money on Christmas gifts. 

Follow me for more holiday tips.

And now into 2024

I’m not a 10. 
I’m more like two 5s held together by mashed potatoes.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

It doesn’t.  And it also doesn’t say to bring in millions of illegal aliens to stuff the ballot box.

So basically, the people who claimed Trump would crash the economy and start World War III have crashed the economy and started World War III.

In 2018 Democrats shutdown the government and stopped Trump from getting $5 billion to build the wall.

This year, New York City is spending $10 billion to house illegal aliens…people who broke the law and are continuing to break the law to be here.

And that’s just one city in one year.

Y’all some kind or special stupid.

And you realize…it’s OUR money they are spending, right?  RIGHT?

I’m pretty sure I used that one already.

But do you know why Boeing is having such problems?  Because they are more concerned with equity hiring than they are with professional hiring.  That’s right.  Right now, the executives at Boeing have 40% of their pay based on whether they hit their diversity hiring goals.  It doesn’t matter if these people can do the JOB.  Just how much pigment they have in their skin, whether they are attracted to the same sex as they are or the opposite sex, whether they feel they were born the wrong gender, or some other non-sensical stupidity that matters not a whit as to whether they can build and maintain a safe and reliable aircraft that you and I trust ourselves and our families to travel in.  And yes, that is worthy of another Dragon Rant, but I’m about ranted out at this point.  

I heard another tidbit of information that has got my steam rising about “climate change”. (notice the quotes.  They are there for a reason)  I don’t have the time, but one of you fact checkers out there could track down the veracity of this for me I would be grateful.  I heard that the percentage CO2 in our atmosphere that all these alarmists are so upset about is 0.03%.  They are upset, and say that the CO2 emissions have caused the CO2 in our atmosphere to go up by 50% is technically true, but so factually dishonest that it makes me want to track them down and breath fire on them.  They are never quoting real numbers to you because they are technically correct.  The CO2 levels did go up by 50%.  From 0.02% to 0.03%.  Oh golly gee!  You know, just off the top of my head, there might be a bit more CO2 around because we breath in oxygen and breath out CO2 and trees take in CO2 and create oxygen.  There are more people now than there used to be and because we keep cutting down trees and not replacing them, there’s obviously going to be more CO2.  I’ll bet, if you look, over the same time period, there has been an ever so slight decrease in the oxygen level.  I’ll go back to the earlier statement of “Y’all some kind of special stupid!!”

Now, if all this turns out that I had my facts wrong, I’m going to be quite the red-faced dragon.

Only the weakest of males want to physically compete with women.

Only the weakest of intellect celebrate them.

HOW INFURIATING!!! 

I got two comments from Leah on Saturday’s issue.  One I’m going to post here and the other I’m going to respond to in my Last Word since the other was in  reference to Saturday’s Last Word.  This one first, that I absolutely LOVED!

As you travel from PooPoo, Washington headed to PeePee Point, make sure to go through Slickpoo, Idaho! See What Cheer, Iowa, and dont miss Hell, Michigan and Satan’s Kingdom, Vermont.
So many weird town names: Hot Coffee, Mississippi
Tightwad, Missouri; Ding Dong, Texas; Difficult, Tennessee; Intercourse, Pennsylvania
.right next to Blue Ball; Bumpass, Virginia; Knockenstiff, Ohio
See Why, Arizona; Whynot, North Carolina; Humptulips, Washington; Candy Kitchen and Pie Town, New Mexico; Zigzag, Oregon; Pray, Montana and Loveladies, New Jersey; and No Name, Colorado.

Okay, I grew up in New Jersey and have NEVER heard of Loveladies.  And once I looked it up, I understood why.  And I laughed and laughed.  Loveladies is not a city, it is a place inside a city.  Well, it’s actually several places inside a city, the city of Long Beach, which I know VERY well.  Lots of parties and lots of surfing and … well … let’s say that a lot of my misspent youth was misspent on Long Beach.  Anyway, there is a Loveladies Harbor, a Loveladies Cove, and a Loveladies Lane.  I’m sure I’ve been to at least two of those and possibly all three.  Thank you Leah for bringing back some wonderful memories, making me laugh, and wondering what the individuals in the memories are doing today…okay…the girls…wondering what the girls are doing today.  And yes, I will still continue to think of them as girls.  

Next topic!

I will admit, it took longer than I am comfortable with for that burger to appear.

There is a great video floating around the internet of this guy going up and down the street, snow blowing the sidewalk in front of everybody’s house in the neighborhood.  That is a FANTASTIC attitude!

Some of these have been around for a while, some are new and original.  Most all of them are funny.

Points to Ponder

• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t.  
  • That must be frustrating.
• Still trying to get my head around the fact that …
  • ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing … 
  • So, I’m probably just one strong cough away from complete paralysis.
• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers …
  • If you do find one, what’s your plan?
• The older I get, the more I understand …
  • Why roosters scream to start their day.
• Being popular on Facebook is like …
  • Sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
• How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when … 
  • The rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and … 
  • The turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives over 200 years.
  • So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!
• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon. 
• When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.  
  • He said, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise.  
  • But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life …
  • Has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced …
  • So that stupid people won’t be offended.
• When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” …
  • That’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns …
  • They would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages … 
  • Metamucil and Ensure.
• Weight loss goal: 
  • To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• After watching how some people wore their masks, 
  • I understand why contraception fails.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. 
  • Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version …
  • It doesn’t listen to anything.
• I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad,’ 
  • And I know darn well that Dad has no idea what’s inside.
• Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…
  • Next week …Turn Signals.
• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”  
  • I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• The pessimist complains about the wind.  
  • The optimist expects it to change.  
  • The realist adjusts his sails.
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. 
  • Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
• Reading gives us someplace to go …
  • When we have to stay where we are.
• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
• Exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. 
  • I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.

 

I must not be the average human body.  Takes like 5 for me.  

Thanks to Ted for this next one.

I love this next one!!!

You’ll have
Good Days,
Bad Days,
Overwhelming Days,
Too Tired Days,
I’m Awesome Days,
I Can’t Go On Days.
And Every Day You’ll
Still Show Up.

I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspaper…

The Times are rough

The 3 stages of life:
Wanting stuff
Accumulating stuff
Getting rid of stuff

I’m on stage 3

I KNOW THAT FEELING WELL!!!!

We all know where the big apple is, but does anyone know where the …

Minneapolis. 

A man gets pulled over for speeding!!

As the cop approaches the car, the man asks if he can get out of the car and the cop says okay.  The cop then asks the man why he was speeding.

The man says, “You see the woman sitting in the passenger side front seat?  That’s my wife!  You see the woman sitting in the back seat?  That’s my mother-in-law!  And she has been living with us for three months now and this morning they had a big fight and my mother-in-law insisted we take her home and I’m trying to get her there as quickly as possible before they make up and she wants to come back home with us!!!”

The cop looks at the man and says, “Get back in your car and I will give you a police escort with lights and siren and we will get her home!!”

Without making any statement other than the following picture…

I go to work,
I make my coworkers wonder what is wrong with me, 
and then I clock out.

I got this comment from Leah on my Last Word from Saturday which you may remember was my essay on my epiphany on why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  In hindsight, maybe the title wasn’t the best.  Here’s her comment.  I feel fine putting it here because the comment section is open to anyone who wants to click on it and read it.