Okay, so it’s been a tough weekend.  I know you are reading this on Thursday, but I’m falling behind in my getting ahead of dragon laffs.  I have the one for tomorrow, Monday, ready to go … and that’s it!  Not that long ago, I had three ahead.  Now, I’m behind. and I have to try to get caught up again so I have some saved up for when I’m gone for a week.  I’ll be gone from the 20th to the 26th.  I HOPE I’ll be able to do some while I’m gone, but since I’ve never been here before and since I’ve never been to this type of conference before and since it’s touted as being this super secret squirrel thing…who knows what I’ll be able to get accomplished?

So, I’m gonna try to get ahead…but right now I’m going to quit for a little bit.  Feed the dogs, feed the Izzy dragon and come back in a little bit.  While you’re waiting for me to come back, why don’t you guys laugh at a couple of funnies…

A quiet little man was brought before a Judge. The Judge looked over the charges, then peered down at the little man in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” asked the Judge.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.”

“Yes, go on,” said the Judge.

“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to check them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. The lady there gave me some forms to fill out. I filled out the forms and got in another line to get my new card.”

“And?” prodded the Judge.

“And then the guy behind that counter said, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ So I stabbed him.”

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”

“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo”.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “the curlers are on the house.”

Well, I was right, it’s been one of those weeks.  It’s now Wednesday.  I went home early from work today because I feel like crap.  I have a meeting with a lawyer this afternoon to work on my Will, then I have my Jail Ministry tonight and Izzy is working tonight so I have to pick her up late, technology still hates me, but in much more subtle ways.  About two weeks before I have to go to Colorado, so I hope I have time to do Dragon Laffs while I’m there.  It’s all just AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tolkien was a genius when it came to us dragons.  One of the few humans who “got” us.

Here’s an old one that’s been told many different times and many different ways.  Well, here it is told another time and another way:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

‘Janie, do you have a story to share?’

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Boy, isn’t that the truth.  I go to bed at night almost cold and sometime in the middle of the night, someone throws on the blast furnace and suddenly I’m sweating to death.

Thanks to Sasquatch for sending me this next article.  Quite interesting…

Illinois Gov. Pritzker allows non-US citizens to become police officers with new law: ‘Fundamentally bad idea’

Critics slammed the law allowing eligible foreign nationals to become police officers as ‘madness’

Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker signed a bill into law that allows non-U.S. citizens to become police officers in the state, angering critics who slammed the idea of foreigners arresting American citizens as “a fundamentally bad idea.”

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.foxnews.com/media/illinois-gov-pritzker-allows-non-us-citizens-become-police-officers-new-law-fundamentally-bad-idea

Mike Rowe on Shark Week

Last year, sixteen people were killed by these ridiculous looking birds – twice the number killed by sharks. Don’t be fooled by their goofy looks. Ostriches are dinosaurs – just like sharks. They stopped evolving a long time ago. They can go from 0 to 45 mph in a few seconds. They can kick with 2,000 pounds of force. Their razor sharp talons can disembowel a man in the blink of an eye, and their breast bones are thick enough to stop a bullet. Plus, they walk around with that crazy, jacked up “backward knee-thing” popular with aliens and ghouls who crawl across ceilings in bad horror movies. Couple years ago, I saw an ostrich charge into a door that someone left open on an F-150. Tore the thing right off its hinges. Ostrich Week – I’m telling you, it’s a ratings grabber, guaranteed.

Or what about snakes? Whenever I got bitten by a snake, ratings went through the roof. Like sharks, snakes come in hundreds of species, live mostly out of sight, and inspire a deep-seated, primal dread. But unlike sharks, the fear inspired by snakes is somewhat justified. Snakes kill over 50,000 people every year, and maim a whole lot more. I know this because I just narrated a video for The World Health Organization, which officially freaked me out. I’m telling you, a snake bite from a cobra or a viper will make you yearn for an encounter with a Great White. Snake Week = Ratings Gold.

Of course, for sheer death, the best creature to feature would have to be the mosquito. Last year, mosquitos killed over 750,000 people. That’s 749,992 more than sharks. True, a mosquito won’t bite you in half, but aside from killing with impunity, they’re annoying in ways a shark can’t begin to match. A reporter from Outside Magazine once asked me to identify the most terrifying sound in the animal kingdom, expecting me I guess to invoke the growl of tiger, (which kills hundreds,) or the trumpeting of an angry elephant, (which also kills hundreds,) or maybe the mournful howl of the timber wolf, (also deadlier than sharks, by far.) But I went with the high-pitched whine of a mosquito vectoring in on my neck, moments before falling asleep. Not only does that sound remind me of every blood-borne disease there is, it requires me to leap out of bed, turn on the lights, and embark on a relentless quest to kill the little bastard with my slipper before going to sleep. I simply can’t rest with a mosquito in the house. Mosquito Week would be a real eye-opener.

When you finally turn on to that last street and you can see your driveway after a long trip or a hard day at work…

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?

Chocolate chimp cookies.

Our very good friend of the show, and fellow camper Joe from NJ sent us these “Trueisms” 

* Money can’t buy happiness… but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re ok…

* Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.  (Or a bad example)

* The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

* Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

* Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will NOT be evenly distributed.

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why.

The waiter said “Chopsticks were provided only on request.”

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chop-sticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

That’s actually not a bad explanation

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. 

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. “I need to borrow two hundred dollars” he says. 

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.” 

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father. 

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly.” 

The father says, “Good. YOU send him the money!” 

Sandra’s wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and she wasn’t going to allow anything to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. 

Her mother, Theresa, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! 

Several days later, Sandra was horrified to discover that her stepmother, Caroline, had purchased the same dress. She asked Caroline to exchange the dress, but Caroline refused. “Absolutely not! Caroline exclaimed. “I’m going to wear this dress and I’m going to look like a million in it!” 

Sandra told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear, I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s YOUR special day, not hers.” 

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Sandra asked her mother, “Mom, what are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.” 

With a sheepish grin, Theresa replied, “Of course, I do, dear! I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!” 

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high blood pressure.

“The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,” Joe said,

“Well, did you quit,” asked Jack.

Joe replied, “Sure did. You think I’m a dummy or something? I haven’t had a drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since!”

I want to share a comment that one of our friends of the show, fellow camper and I guy I’ve been corresponding back and forth with has sent in.  He’s a great guy, we agree on a LOT of different topics and where we disagree, we behave like grown up adults (Washington D.C. are you paying attention?!) and we talk about it!  We debate … with the goal of expressing our point of view in the hopes (however delusional) of changing the others mind.

John,  we agree more than either one of us would probably admit and disagree more than either of us would like. 

I disagree on the Obamas.  I think the upper ranking democrats have their own agenda as their top priority and the benefit of the United States is WAY TOO FAR down the list of priorities if it even appears on there at all.

I think Chris Christie, DeSantos, and several other people would be better Presidents than Trump.  The problem is, I don’t believe that any one of them are electable unless or until Trump is knocked out.  Plus, Trump is a proven commodity.  He did a great job the last time he was president, even if he was a bit acerbic.  But, I do believe he is past his prime.

I agree with you almost completely on the song and could probably be easily persuaded to your side on the rest with further discussion.  What pisses me off about it all is the idiots screaming about it being a racist song.  It is not.  If you see it that way then you need to examine the person in the mirror for racism.

I do not agree with you completely on Jan 6, as we both know, but I also have insider information that you may not have (that sadly, I can’t talk about here) that sheds completely different light on the whole situation.  Trump didn’t incite anything, he told everyone to behave themselves.  But, the fact that he was dumb enough to think that once the fix was in on the election there was anything that he could do about it after the fact was awfully naïve for a business man of his caliber.  And if nothing else, the way he behaved from that point forward shows me that he is no longer ready to be president, but he is still better than what we have now.

And I agree, he is in just as crappy shape, if not worse physically as Biden.

Why is it we can’t get a decent younger (45-50ish?) man or woman.  We all know that there has to be some really smart, dynamic people out there who would do a GREAT job.  The problem is that they won’t play ball with the political machine and they aren’t super rich.  The two requirements needed in today’s politics.  And that is going to be the downfall of this country.  We need a God fearing individual to take the reins to do what’s right, for the right reasons.

And lastly, to your history lesson, I would say that for some reason those buildings were either protected or of no interest.  No interest because there was nothing of value in them or nothing worth burning or protected in that politically protected, gang protected, etc.  At that point in time I was a YOUNG teenager living on the other side of the country (New Jersey) and had very little idea of things that were happening in our world. 

Thanks for your letter my friend.  I enjoy talking with you.  I think if I was feeling better and had more time, I could’ve given you more of a response.  

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.  She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. 

She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time.” 

The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. 

It’s a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.” 

The blonde interrupts with, “Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?” 

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.

“Oh,” sobs the old lady, “I want to have a look  the frozen puddings but, as you can see,  there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”

“No problem,” says Olaf, lifting her onto his back, “I’ll take you.”

Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back.  She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.

At the other end the old lady’s husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

“I’d really like to thank you,” says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, “but I don’t even know who you are!”

Olaf just smiles, waves and walks off.

“I was really worried about you,” says the old lady’s husband.  “What have you been doing?”

She replies, “Well, I’ve been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.”

Yup!

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.

Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs.

Dr. Frankenstein had been noticing for several years that his “monster” seemed to be lacking a certain “je ne sais quoi” in his life.

He and Mrs. Frankenstein were discussing the problem one day, and the Missus suddenly had a bright idea. “Maybe he needs a mate.”

“Good idea, my dear,” said the doctor. “Let’s create him a mate, and he can make love to her for the first time this coming Valentine’s Day.”

So, they worked day and night and finally got the lady “monster” ready in time to “wake her up” on Valentine’s Day.  The original creation was there beside Dr. and Mrs., just jumping from one foot to another in eager anticipation of the solution to this cravings.

As the electricity snapped and popped, Dr. Frankenstein shouted, “Look! She about to speak!”

The new creation sat up and croaked in a broken voice: “Oooooo —oo! Head—-ache!”

A group of scientists in Britain announced that they have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very first time.

This is great news for dentists, and even better news for guests on the Jerry Springer Show.

If men are from Mars
And women are from Venus
I can only assume the “other genders” are pulled out of Uranus.

The Modern Toolbox

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. 

Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. 

Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. 

Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. 

Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. 

Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. 

Halogen Light – A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. 

Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. 

Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. 

Chain saw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. 

Vise Grips – A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice 

Try Coffee

Power corrupts.  Absolute power is really kind of neat. 

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 

Press to test. <click> Release to detonate! 

Professionals are predictable… amateurs are dangerous 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 

No they really aren’t.

A couple of final things to wrap things up.  

I’m cooking Men’s Breakfast at church on Saturday morning and tomorrow…well, today, while some of you guys are actually reading this, I’m testing out my experimental breakfast on a smaller scale for the guys at work.  I’m making this recipe up…well, not completely, but adapting something I found … and I think it’s going to be really good.  But, if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll have 24 hours to find something else.  I’ll let you know.

You remember in the last episode we started a … contest?  Not really a contest, but more of a survey, looking for the oldest and the youngest camper that we have amongst us.  Here it is from Issue #2211

A lot of you youngsters aren’t gonna get that one.

I wonder if we even have any youngsters on here.  I know we have some oldsters on here.  I know for a fact that there are several of you out there in your 70s.  So let’s do a poll.  In fact, let’s do two polls.  Here’s the first one.

If you are in your 80s or over and are a regular reader of Dragon Laffs send an email to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and tell me how old you are.  And in case of a tie, send me month and year of birth.  Oldest person I’ll send a questionnaire to or something and do a profile of them in Dragon Laffs (if they are willing) to share them with their fellow campers.

Same thing for the youngest regular reader.  That one is going to be a little tougher.  I’m just guessing here.  Let’s say for youngest let’s start with anyone in their 30s or below.  And same deal.  I’m come up with some sort of way of doing a profile on you for Dragon Laffs…again, if you’re willing.  

Put either “oldest” or “youngest” in the Subject line of the email.  And let’s do a cut off of say August 28.  That’s 3 weeks from today and the Monday after I get back from Colorado.  How does that sound to you guys?  This could be great fun!

Well, I only got 3 responses so far, so let’s keep those cards and letters coming!  And right now, I have GOT to go.  You guys be well, be safe and May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It’s Monday…well, it’s Monday that you are reading this, it’s actually Wednesday that I’m writing this.  You’re reading this after I’ve worked all weekend teaching CBRN Defense tactics to a bunch of Traditional Reservists.  I’ve got about 3/4 of a class scheduled for Sunday or about 15 people.  I’m hoping for a good class.  It’s the best part of my job…my day job.

You guys are the best part of my night job.  I love doing this job.  I would rather spend time doing this, pushing out dragon laffs, talking with you guys than just about anything else.  My church ministries are about the only thing I get more satisfaction out of. 

So, we’re going to jump in on the laffs right away and we’ll talk some more as the issue goes on.

Kids aren’t afraid of the full moon, they’ll play in it’s light.
Kids aren’t afraid of the water, they will learn to survive it as infants.
Kids aren’t afraid of Clowns, the real Clowns, they will laugh for hours.
Kids aren’t afraid of people, they will walk up to strangers and talk.
Kids aren’t afraid of Ghosts, they are the ones who see and hear them.

Kids aren’t afraid of Magic, they will look for it everyday.

MOM’S SPECIAL BROWNIES

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. “no, no.”

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.

Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

FROSTING

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.

Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

Yeah, I got no idea, but it’s a cool picture

So, let’s do a little mail.  I got this one from … well, just read it yourself:

This link is cool as heck!  It’s from Stephanie, of course, and I don’t have a chance in heaven of being able to follow it!!!! https://www.facebook.com/reel/3497159433902389

The funny thing is that’s EXACTLY what her expression looks like!!!

When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area.

After window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only customer.

The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing.

The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and silver.

It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

It was nice for a while…but then she got to be really high maintenance.

And while we’re talking about high maintenance and stuff…Stephen B., one of our regular regulars, sent me this out of the blue confession that really threw me for a loop.  Of all of our regular campers, I really didn’t expect it from him.  This is what he wrote.

I better admit it before you hear it from someone else. 

Some years ago, I made a sex tape. 

I was desperate for money. 

Please don’t think bad of me.

I don’t think badly of you, brother, we all do things we aren’t proud of when we get strapped for cash.  Some of the things I’ve done, I’m not really proud of.  But this is your confession, not mine.  Well, then in an attempt to come really clean and bare his soul, he sent me a still from the thing!  I wasn’t sure what to do with it, but then I  thought I ought to share it with you guys, so… here it is.  I will give you a chance to get the kids out of the room first.  It’s right below the arrows.

Hey!  It wasn’t my Sex Tape.  I just gave it a little extra hype.

Royal chairs are rarely throne out

A good way to get smarter is “by degrees.”

“Mommy likes Microsoft Windows ’cause she never has to wash them,”

Whats the definition of a farmer? A man who is outstanding in his field.

“Aren’t the sounds of the brook lovely?” Tom babbled.

The doctor who treats anorexics says, “My patients is wearing thin.”

Man who run in front of car, get tired.

Man who run behind car, get exhausted

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children and appeared in a newspaper article.

Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and me.

Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you must have had lots of equipment.

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you have now?

Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has millions?

Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now?

Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw your feet. Did I really?

Dear God: I know there’s a God because I go to His house on Sunday and see all the cars parked there.

Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?

Dear God: I’m afraid of things at night more than in the day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a good thing.

MOM’S SURVIVAL TIPS

1. Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you’re taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.

4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

6. When a politician says, “let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won’t.

7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

8. If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.

9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

10. Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

A week or so ago, maybe two, I put an old cooks thermometer in my car to see how hot it got sitting out in my parking lot at work.  I hit an all time high the other day…

And that wasn’t even the hottest part of the day.

A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!”

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

“I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

As I normally am, but only with my dear friends and fellow campers

Instead of locking up merchandise in stores, we should be locking up the people who steal it.

Just saying…

Can someone please update me on what’s offensive today. 

It’s hard to keep up.

Yeah, I ain’t buyin’ it either, kid!

NOTHING!!!!!

And that makes perfect sense to them and we are supposed to accept that with a smile on our faces.

And that’s because John Kerry is the PERFECT example of…

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Get ready folks, that’s your President before the 2024 election.  You know the democratic party is going to get rid of Joe before the election so that he doesn’t have any possible chance of running in 2024.  They are in the process of undermining him right now.  That puts that moron as the first black woman as president.  Which opens the door for the first ELECTED black woman for president.  And guess who that’s going to be.  Michele Obama.  Yup, we were talking about that at work today and the more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  (Yes, I know.  I want a DNA test, too to prove she’s a woman, but that’s how they are going to present her)  You know THAT election is already rigged.  She will be controlled by her husband, George Soros, and the entire democratic machine.  And you can kiss this country goodbye.  We have GOT to change the voting laws in ALL the states to outlaw these stupid electronic voting machines because they are FAR too easy to manipulate.  Otherwise this country is doomed.  And you remember where you heard it.  RIGHT HERE ON DRAGON LAFFS!

That’s an old trick that my mom taught me YEARS ago!

A lot of you youngsters aren’t gonna get that one.

I wonder if we even have any youngsters on here.  I know we have some oldsters on here.  I know for a fact that there are several of you out there in your 70s.  So let’s do a poll.  In fact, let’s do two polls.  Here’s the first one.

If you are in your 80s or over and are a regular reader of Dragon Laffs send an email to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and tell me how old you are.  And in case of a tie, send me month and year of birth.  Oldest person I’ll send a questionnaire to or something and do a profile of them in Dragon Laffs (if they are willing) to share them with their fellow campers.

Same thing for the youngest regular reader.  That one is going to be a little tougher.  I’m just guessing here.  Let’s say for youngest let’s start with anyone in their 30s or below.  And same deal.  I’m come up with some sort of way of doing a profile on you for Dragon Laffs…again, if you’re willing.  

Put either “oldest” or “youngest” in the Subject line of the email.  And let’s do a cut off of say August 28.  That’s 3 weeks from today and the Monday after I get back from Colorado.  How does that sound to you guys?  This could be great fun!

It surely doesn’t happen very often!

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

THE NEW MATH

NAME____________________

GANG NAME______________

1. Ramón has an AK-47with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 – 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Monday at work, Maury was asking Pauly about Pauly’s date with Sandy the previous Friday night.

“So, how did things go?”

“It started out really well. We went to a fancy restaurant and had a great meal. Lots of good conversation, the music was nice and a perfect start to the evening.”

“So how was Sandy?” asked Maury, winking slyly.

“Stunning!” replied Pauly.

“I knew that she is a really good looking woman, but stunning?”

“Absolutely!” answered Pauly. “Right after I suggested we spend the night together, she hit me with the taser.”

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out aughing.

She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove Swelling”.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

He won the case.

Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you’re perfect? 

Father: She does? Wow! How do you know? 

Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith. 

Father: When was that? 

Young son: Just before she used the word idiot. 

That’s it my friends.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

And it’s Saturday and it’s August and it’s running right around again. 

I will be missing out on some time later on this month.  I have to go to Colorado Springs for a week.  And before you guys ask, I can’t tell you why.  It’s one of THOSE things.  I’ve never been there before.  I spent 6 months at Denver WAY back in 1977 for my first Tech School as a Weapons Troop.  I haven’t been back since.  And I’m going to pay a visit to brother Owl in September to help get him back on track after his stroke, so I may miss some time there as well.  So, we’re going to get as many laughs in as possible between now and then.

69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

Fred, Junior has been asking those questions again; about the difference between Classic Rock and Disco.  Maybe it’s time to have that little talk with him; about the Byrds and the Bee Gees.

We have the ability to hide in plain sight.

All          the          time.

Brilliant marketing scheme!

PLAGIARISM:  Getting in trouble for something you didn’t do.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
My legs for always supporting me.
And my fingers because I can always count on them.

Useless/Useful Fact #1:  The word “shark” was first used to describe an evil or nasty person long before it was the name of the animal.

Useless/Useful Fact #2:  The word “escalate” didn’t exist until about 30 years after “escalator” (it was formed by lopping off some letters from escalator).

One of Dragon Laff Embassies 

This next one is a creation by my buddy Wheats.

And this one was sent to me by Izzy because it perfectly represents our two dogs.  The bus is our good older dog Pepper and the train is our beast Willow.

I’m outdoorsy — 
as in I like drinking on patios

People think I go out of my way to piss them off…

Trust me…

…it’s not out of my way at all.

“PLANT BASED”

is the newest meaningless marketing term used to dupe people who know very little about nutrition but who “kinda-sorta” want to eat better.

THINGS THAT ARE PLANT BASED:

sugar, vegetable oils, flour, kid cereals, cocaine, heroin, Jack Daniels…

Truly, the human race is doomed.

FACT OF THE DAY:

Go to the Owl Cafe

Around late 2016 or early 2017, something new started popping up in Tokyo, Japan…Owl Cafes!  Jusat as the name implies, these are cafes where you can go to enjoy some coffee while in the company of owls.  You are allowed to interact with the owls and are even encouraged to pet them.

I have a friend of mine who was killed while riding a motorcycle who hit a dark horse on the road at night on a back road.  The police are sure he never even saw it, or if he did, he never had time to do anything about it.

Somebody needs help and shouldn’t write signs.

Doomed.  Just doomed.

My friend kept telling me vegetable jokes, I yelled, “Stop! PEAS!”

I would love to know what this tag was actually attached to.

I agree wholeheartedly with TheBlackSavageOne

Reminder:  Monopoly ends when no one can afford to live on the board anymore.
At that point, everything becomes worthless.  The money means nothing.  The hotels sit abandoned.  The only thing left is to restart the game and do it again.
It’s unsustainable.  It’s what we’re doing right now.

Izzy sent this last one to me.  I think there is a point where we can go too far, extreme far right nut-case person in Florida.  Back up a little, how about.

Oh please!  And we’re supposed to believe THIS stupid picture?

And how many of those 5 million jobs were actually people going back to work to the same jobs you morons took away during COVID?

Statistics:  The OTHER Side

When the lotter hit $1.6 billion: 146 million people bought tickets.
In the 2016 Presidential election, 136 million people voted. (10 million less)

To get more people to vote…

Every election we should pick one voter to win $1.6 billion

NAACP issues warning to African Americans to avoid visiting Florida; employees in restaurant and tourism industry brace for 0.00% drop in tips.

Daughter:  Dad, why does Ariel wear seashells? 

Me:  Well, because b shells are too small and d sh– 

Wife:  Stop!

I bought my daughter a handbag from Iraq.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”

Biscuits and gravy is a weird dish.

It’s pretty much just really wet flour on really dry flour.

* 1 in 4 car accidents are caused by texting and driving *
People:  Won’t be me!

* 1 in 302,575,350 chance of wining in Mega Millions *
People:  You never know!

I’ve just bought an original Van Gogh painted coffee table.  I know it’s an original because there’s a bit of veneer missing!

I have come to the conclusion that I have a memory like Etch-A-Sketch.  I shake my head and forget everything.

I have so many questions…

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.  When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, “Where is everybody?”

The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”

“Hanging?  Who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete”, the bartender replied.

“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.

“Well,” says the bartender, “He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes.”

“How bizarre,” said the cowboy.  “What are they hanging him for?”

“Rustling,” said the bartender.

Okay, if you didn’t see that coming from about 1/3 of the way through the joke, you really weren’t paying attention.

Actually, I know how this one happened.  I saw something similar in real life.  Either didn’t go in park or didn’t engage the parking brake.

I consider myself to be a generous person.  I won $5,000 in a local raffle and donated a quarter of it to charity.  I’m going to Hawaii with the other $4,999.75.

And that’s it my friend.  May God Bless you and keep you until you join with us again next time.

I’m really not sure what I was trying to say with the header today.  Squash the White House…piss on the politicians…we are above the Bidens…something to that effect.  It’s been a tough couple of days living in my head.  Depression is trying to beat me up and I know that it has a lot to do with me needing to get out of my head and keeping my priorities straight.  It seems that everywhere I turn I am reminded of being alone. 

But, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start looking at life from a different perspective.  Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:8 To the unmarried and widowers I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. It’s not that I’m looking to get remarried, I’m really not.  He was specifically addressing the problem of sexual urges, I’m addressing the problem of companionship and loneliness.  I am content to remain single for the rest of my life, I’m just really tired of being lonely.  And thinking about it, this is probably the wrong venue to be speaking about this.  Probably a better one would be with my elders at church.  But, this is the place where my fingers walk where my mind wanders.  Wow, I really like that.  This is the place where my fingers walk where my mind wanders. Gonna have to remember that.  Anyway, with that golden nugget stuck firmly in our little brains, let’s do some laughing, shall we?  We’ll worry about Impish’s depressive personality disorder some other time.

WAIT!

Is that a new acronym?

DPD?

Depressive Personality Disorder?  I’m going to just scream if that is such a thing.  Hang on a second…

Now it may be that Google is just paying way too much attention to what I’m writing, but I started typing dep… and immediately depressive personality disorder came up as the top choice, but it led me to a web site with the acronym of MDD which stands for Major Depressive Disorder, which is just too darn scary for me, so we’re going to go and laugh instead.  How’s that sound to you guys?

So, we start with the theme songs… we’ve already had, I Look Good Naked Anymore, which I didn’t bother looking for a YouTube video for.  And then there is this one..

This one was supposed to be a theme for a dragon, but ended up being … well, you’ll see

Regardless of anything else, I’m impressed.

Then of course there’s this one, which you would think would be an obvious choice

Just another example of why this species is doomed.

I am the master of ….why the heck is this hill tipping over???

Then there is this entry.  One of the greatest storytellers in music ever!!!

Then there is this gem!  One of the greatest rock songs ever played!  And what could almost be a one hit wonder!  Except I don’t know if it was ever a hit except for us stoners in the 70s!

And just for fun, here is a live version on the Midnight Special.  Any of you remember that show?

 Wow!  I actually found the pilot from the Midnight Special.  August 19, 1972.  John Denver was the first act.  Then the first episode wasn’t until February 2, 1973.  Six months later.  Looks like John Denver is hosting the pilot and not Wolfman Jack.  He would have been 29 years old, but to look at him, he looks like he’s 16.  Too much fun.  I just lost 2 hours playing with past episodes of The Midnight Special.

Really needs something in that message

Those are awesome directions!!
And this next entry into the theme song competition I can honestly say that I’ve never heard of before.  Although I was only somewhat of a fan of their music.  I did like Jane;.

A huge and special thanks to Aussie Pete for this one.  I had to track it down on YouTube so I can show it to you.  He said I would love it and I did and I have to share it with you guys, it is absolutely awesome!!!!

AIN’T NO WAY!  There will definitely be one less mouth to feed, cause I am not going to eat a diet of bugs!  Virgins, fleeing villagers, fine and dandy.  Not bugs.

Charlie was lying on the couch, when his wife went over to him and removed his glasses.

“You know, dear,” she said tenderly, “without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

Grinning, Charlie replied, “Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”

The witness: “Yes, sir.”

The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”

The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”

The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”

The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

This one is from Joe from NJ

Long but funny.
_______________
HORSE RACE Line up and odds:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to 1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 to 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1

AND THEY’RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It’s Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE TURN

Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE STRETCH:

It’s Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide

AT THE FINISH

It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head
Bare Belly shows
Thighs continue to fall back
Heavy Bosom pulls up
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

Morris Siegel, the owner of a small Kosher New York
deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax
return. He had reported a net profit of $60,000 for the
year.
“Why don’t you people leave me alone?”
the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my
family helps out, the place is only closed three days a
year. And you want to know how I made $60,000?”
“It’s not your income that bothers us,”
the agent said. “It’s these business travel
deductions of $125,000. You listed ten trips to Israel for
you and your wife.”
“Oh, that?” the owner said smiling.
“Well….we also deliver.”

Went to the bathroom without my phone…

Just like my ancestors used to do.

That sounds like the entire democratic party and everyone on the left

Yes I would.  BUT!  If it’s OUR justice system that proves treason, it’s completely backwards.  Our justice system is in the pocket of the democratic party, the Clintons, the Obamas, and the Bidens.  The honest upstanding, hardworking, AMERICANS, don’t stand a flippin’ chance!

This is called misdirection.  Magicians use it all the time.  Look at the right hand and pay no attention to what the left hand is doing behind their back.  It’s not like they’ve lied to us (although they do that to us all the time when they can get away with it) no, this is more of a “hide the big stuff behind something even bigger and flashier, even if we have to make it up or stretch it out.  It’s been a LONG time since the news service actually gave us the true news, because EVERYONE is in SOMEONE’s pocket

No, it’s not a typo, but it is incredible stupidity.  The PERFECT example of woke nonsense.

Amen, Ma’am.  I agree with you 100%!  Ms. Watson you have it right.  And every MAN out there will also agree with you.  

She don’t know nuthin’ ’bout nuthin’!

Get caught up on some of our mail…

Jerry, far be it from me to start calling you a racist, nor any of the other campers here, when I would bet that most, if not all of them agree with you.  I know that I do.  The color of your skin does not give you permission, an excuse, or a free pass for behavior that would be unacceptable from any other group of people.  A sin is a sin and we are all exactly equal in God’s eyes.  All He asks is the same from us.  I have heard similar stories where mothers are upset because it is dangerous for their “babies” to rob a grocery store because the owner might have a gun to defend themselves.  How dare they have a legal gun when their child has an illegal one!  I don’t care what color you are, an attitude like that is wrong and it’s time for the upstanding citizens in the community to band together to put an end to it.  And THAT is what Jason’s song is all about.  Because in the small towns, where everyone knows everyone else, that is really likely to not happen.  And if someone does try it, they are NOT going to like the consequences.  It’s not going to be a slap on the wrist like these asinine democrat  controlled (or non-controlled) big cities.  So, go ahead and try that in a small town.  If anyone equates that with racism, then they are probably the racist (and don’t tell me you can’t be a racist if you are black.  That’s as much horse crap as I’ve ever heard.  There’s more black racist then there are white) and they need to take a good long look in the mirror.

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to defuse a bomb.

Glad I wasn’t born a honey bee!!!

I love it when my pets sigh.

Like, what ails you my little unemployed freeloader?

5-year-old:  [walks up behind me when I’m on the computer]  What game are you playing? 

Me:  Pay the bills.

5-year-old:  Are you winning?

Me: No.

A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords.

She got a pen and paper and said, “Thank God for that, what are they?”

GO TO CHURCH ANYWAY

If you’re having sex before marriage, go to church anyway.
If you are a drug addict trying to beat addiction, got to church anyway.
If you were out drunk all night the night before, go to church anyway.
If you aren’t sure what gender you prefer, go to church anyway.
If you can’t quit that disgusting habit, go to church anyway.
CHRUCH is a HOSPITAL for the BROKEN, LOST, EMPTY, CONFUSED, DESPERATE, and REJECTED. 

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

My phone just filed a 3 hour documentary about life inside my pocket.

Woo Hoo!!!!
I won $2.00 in the Mega Millions Lottery!!!
Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

Dear Paranoid People who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.  If you DO find one, what’s your plan?

This sounds a little rough!!!

And with that I’m going to call it an issue!  It’s been fun!  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I can tell I’ve had a rough week. Today is Thursday as I start this writing to you and I woke up feeling like crap so I called in sick, but looking at my calendar, I missed two birthdays this week.  Not that I would have done anything super special for them, but I would have at least texted to wish them both a happy birthday.  So, I messaged them both with a happy belated birthday.  (Sorry Stephanie) The mower is still in the shop with no word yet, waiting to hear from them.  And my poor Willow Dragon has pooped on the floor three times in the last couple of days which is COMPLETELY outside of her norm, so I’m wondering if she’s not feeling well either. 

My depression is over the moon right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing, but I know if I do that, then that is exactly what I will do.  So, I turned to Dragon Laffs and you guys to try to alleviate some of that gouging depression that is eating its way through my chest.  So, let’s do all of us a favor and

That’s a lot of friggin’ bananas!!!

This one is from Stephanie and it’s really interesting.  Thanks Stephanie…

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a mommy.”

“Oh.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

” I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy.”

Notice to people who visit my home.

1. The dog lives here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What’s your point?

4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.

5. It’s her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers.

6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you she’s a dog. To me she’s an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.

8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you…until you’re asleep

Dragons and fairies have been friends for a long time.

This is an old one, but worth replaying over and over again.

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?” 

And the Lord answered, “Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only two hands.” 

The angel was astounded at the requirements. “Only two hands!? No way! And that’s just on the standard model? That’s too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrowto finish.” 

“But I won’t,” the Lord protested. “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.” 

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. “But you have made her so soft, Lord.” 

“She is soft,” the Lord agreed, “but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”

“Will she be able to think?”, asked the angel. 

The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.” 

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.” 

“That’s not a leak,” the Lord corrected, “that’s a tear!” 

“What’s the tear for?” the angel asked. 

The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.” 

The angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.” 

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. 

They stand up to injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. 

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. 

They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. 


HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH. 

Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn’t get home till the wee hours.

They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, “Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?”

Doug replies, “No, but that didn’t keep her from talking for two hours.

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruise liner — first class all the way. The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn’t enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard.

A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent’s fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

“I’m telling you, I can get you as many as you want at 5 gold pieces each.”

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” 

Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”  She then prepared a bowl of soup. 

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.  

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, “I have such a terrible headache!” 

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!” 

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

– Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

That will bring some of you guys way back.

Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.

Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant Food Store.

Dad: “Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??”

Son: “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice.”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: “Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?”

Son: “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: “Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a country!”

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”

There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing 50 in a 35.

And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous. 

I often look at my children and can’t see me in them. 

Then they open their mouth and say something sarcastic and I’m like there I am!

My brother in arms Wheats asked me to pass this next one on, so that’s what I am doing.  I think it’s GREAT!!

People who say they don’t have time for my B.S. need to learn how to manage their time better. 
Wake up an hour earlier. 
Use better time management techniques.  

I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay?

They arrested me.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image.  Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s removed from the body.

You know you’re over 40 when you have “upstairs ibuprofen” and “downstairs ibuprofen”.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that “Take Out” can mean food, dating, or murder.

When you realize that 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918….

I’m just gonna need a minute…

A woman with a salad walked past me in the restaurant and said, “You know a cow died so you could eat that beef burger.”  I said, “If you weren’t eating its food, it might have lived.”

Hey, I want you to pay attention to this one…

Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

I AM SWIFT AS A GAZELLE.

An old one. 

With arthritis. 

Run over by a land rover.

Seven days ago.

And that’s it.  It helped…not as much as I wanted, but it helped.  May God Bless you and keep you until next time.