And there it is!  Another weekend, shot to heck!  Gone!  Obliterated… how do they go by so fast?  I just don’t understand it.  I feel like there is so much I want to talk about this morning and at the same time that I want to get into the laughter and jokes and at the same time that I want to … yeah, you get the idea.  It’s been one of those days.

So, what do you say we compromise?

Let’s start off and get into the jokes.  Everybody likes to start their day off with a laff, right?  We’ll throw in some serious stuff here and there and end with … who knows WHAT we’ll end with.

How does that sound to you guys?  I know.  You got nuthin’ to say.  This is not a democracy.  This is not even a monarchy.  This is one dragon to rule them all.  I know, I’m stretching an analogy.  So, let’s just get to this…

No…no, not really…

This is a really great discussion sent into me by Stephanie that I have been trying to find on YouTube so I can show it here.  But I can’t.  So, here’s what you are going to need to do.  CLICK ON THE LINK!!  It’s a Facebook reels or something like that, but you gotta watch it.  It makes SO much sense. https://www.facebook.com/reel/875585130791990

I can smell it, hear it, feel it…heck, I can TASTE it!  That little acrid taste on the tip of your tongue.  You younger guys have NO IDEA what I’m talking about, do you?

And THAT is why this dragon writes!

Our good buddy and fellow camper Stephen B. wrote an email that says:

You posted this…

Have you ever thought while walking down the street and you see someone that just needs to be slapped? Think Hillary!  She is the person I think of.

Oh brother Steve…you are SO right!!!

Well, officially, this is going to happen tomorrow I think.  Unless this is an old meme and this happened years ago and I look like an idiot for posting it now. (Yeah, I’m really THAT much of a sports fan anymore) I say tomorrow because I’m writing this on Saturday when I guess really for you reading this, it happened yesterday.  So weird.  Anyway, if it IS actually THIS Super bowl, I hope she does well.  You KNOW the MSM will hype it to no end.  She probably just loves the game and wants to be involved and couldn’t care less about the rest of the nonsense…or it’s all crap and I’m an idiot.

Another one from Stephanie called “The difference between Imagination and Reality”

Master of all I survey!

Leah just sent this to me.  It’s not funny, but it is worth thinking about…

Jesus told us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  And we’re told over and over to share what we have with those that need.  We all have people we know who put themselves in crappy positions.  I am of the acquaintance with some who, month after month are calling around trying to “borrow” $300.  Well, their own family won’t lend them money anymore so that tells you one thing.  There always seems to be enough money for beer and cigarettes, that tells you another.  And yet, almost every month they don’t have enough for rent? 

But there are others, that I would do without myself if they asked for help…and I have.  And there have been times myself, and some quite recently (and if this estate thing doesn’t work itself out soon, it will happen soon again!) where I’ve had to choose between medicine and food.  Most of us are one paycheck away from serious trouble and many of us are one paycheck away from homelessness.

This email from Leah hit me pretty hard, campers.  Be aware of what’s going on with your neighbors.  

Thanks to Ted for sharing this.  You will be missed, brother.

This one is from Paul K.  and we’re going to call it …

   MAYO CLINIC – DRINKING WATER, VERY INTERESTING!!! WATER AND ASPIRIN.

  A cardiologist determined that heart attacks can be triggered by dehydration. Good Thing To Know. From The Mayo Clinic. How many folks do you know who say they don’t want to drink anything before going to bed because they’ll have to get up during the night?

  Heart Attack and Drinking Water – Drinking one glass of water before going to bed helps to avoid a stroke or a heart attack.

  INTERESTING Something else I didn’t know … I asked my doctor why people need to urinate so much at nighttime.

 ANSWER FROM MY CARDIAC DOCTOR: Gravity holds water in the lower part of your body when you are upright (legs swell). When you lie down and the lower body (legs and etc.) seeks level with the kidneys, it is then that the kidneys remove the water because it is easier. I knew you need your minimum water to help flush the toxins out of your body, but this was news to me.

  CORRECT TIME TO DRINK WATER… VERY IMPORTANT.
FROM A CARDIAC SPECIALIST! 

  Drinking water at a certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body: 2 glasses of water after waking up – helps activate internal organs 1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal – helps digestion 1 glass of water before taking a bath – helps lower blood pressure 1 glass of water before going to bed – avoids stroke or heart attack can also add to this.

  My Physician told me that water at bedtime will also help prevent nighttime leg cramps. Your leg muscles are seeking hydration when the cramp and wake you up with a Charlie Horse. 

  MAYO CLINIC ON ASPIRIN – Dr. Virend Somers is a Cardiologist from the Mayo Clinic who is the lead author of the report in the July 29, 2008 issue of the Journal of the American College of Cardiology. Most heart attacks occur in the day, generally between 6 A.M. and noon. Having one during the night, when the heart should be most at rest, means that something unusual happened. Somers and his colleagues have been working for a decade to show that sleep apnea is to blame.

1. If you take an aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, take it at night. THE REASON: Aspirin has a 24-hour “half-life”; therefore, in most heart attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning, the Aspirin would be strongest in your system.
2. Aspirin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest; for years. (When it gets old, it smells like vinegar.)

  PLEASE READ ON. Something that we can do to help ourselves – nice to know. Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve instantly on the tongue. They work much faster than the tablets. Why keep Aspirin by your bedside?

  IT’S ABOUT HEART ATTACKS -There are other symptoms of a heart attack, besides the pain on the left arm. One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating; however, these symptoms may also occur less frequently.

  NOTE: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack. When the majority of heart attacks happen, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep. If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water.

  Afterwards: – Call 911. – Phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by. Say “heart attack!” – Say that you have taken 2. Aspirins – Take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door and wait for their arrival and …….DO NOT LIE DOWN!

  A Cardiologist has stated that if each person after receiving this e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably one life could be saved! I have already shared this information. What about you?

    DO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE. IT MAY SAVE LIVES!

There was ever so much that I learned from this article.  There was some that I was already doing right and some that I was not doing at all.  Thanks Paul for sending this in!  Share this with your friends, campers.

THIS!!!  THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!  This is why none of us can ever have nice things!!!

One of my all time favorites!

Okay, how many of you find it absolutely impossible to believe that 1984 was 40 YEARS AGO!!!

HOW TO FEED A PILL TO A CAT: 

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little b**tard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: 

Wrap it in cheese.

And if you want to make it exciting with the dog, wrap it in bacon.

This tree looks SO COOL!!  I would truly love to find out where it’s at and spend some time there!

Another one of those links from Stephanie that you should watch, because, like the title of the email that she sent it in, It Really Does…https://www.facebook.com/reel/307276849010345

That ought to do it!

I really try to see the best in people…

But there is a new level of stupidity out there that makes it downright challenging.

So, the CIA can hack into my TV and listen to every word I say, but McDonald’s can’t hear me say, “No Pickles!” through their drive-thru speaker?

ELECTRIC CARS: 
A plan that doesn’t work to fix a problem that doesn’t exist.

Folks, this is the sad, honest truth.  If the essay that is percolating in the back of my head comes to fruition before this gets published on Monday, you will see it in the Last Word.  If not, I’m sure you will see it soon.  Campers…my dear friends…NO ONE IS COMING TO RESCUE US.  And if I’ve figured this out correctly, even God has cut this country loose.  Not the Christian believers IN the country.  But America itself because it won’t obey God’s will.

Ponder this for a moment. 
The wind farm in Mt. Pulaski has been running for 3 1/2 years.  They have been replacing the generators in all the wind towers.  There are 100 of them in this wind farm.  So evidently the life span on the generators on these things is about 3 to 4 years.  It takes 12 semi trucks and trailers, a 9 axle 500,000 lb. crane, a 100,000 lb. crane, and 12 pickup trucks to change each generator.  That is a huge amount of diesel fuel being used to maintain these wind towers.
And the “Green Groups” would like you to believe they are all fueled by magic fairy dust.

I don’t care how you figure it…that has GOT to be a negative net worth for those wind farms.

That is the PERFECT analogy!!

A vote is not a Valentine.  You are not confessing your love for the candidate.  It’s a chess move for the world you want to live in.

Senior Advice  Some old some new, all of it’s good.

• The ability to speak several languages is an asset, 
  But the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
  
  
• Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision! 
  The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.  This is great advice for ANYONE.  One of the things that I taught ALL restaurant managers, and I teach new Emergency Managers, Emergency Operation Center workers, etc. Make a decision!  Get off the dime!  Right or wrong, usually ANY decision is better than no decision at all.  If it’s wrong, we can fix it.
  
  
• When I get a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children. 
  Just like the bottle says.
  
  
• Becoming an adult …
  Is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
  
  
• If you see me talking to myself, just move along. 
  I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
  
  
• “Your call is very important to us …
  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”

• Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, 
  Or is it just me?

• Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. 
  When I was 3, I ate mud.

• Tip for a successful marriage: 
  Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

• So, you drive across town to a gym …
  To walk on a treadmill?

• Old age is coming …
  At a really bad time.

• If God wanted me to touch my toes, 
  He would’ve put them on my knees.

• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. 
  We haven’t met yet.

• Why do I have to press one for English, 
  When you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

• Now, I’m wondering . . . 
  Did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself?

• You don’t need anger management. 
  You need people to stop irritating you.

• Your people skills are just fine. 
  It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

• “On time” is, 
  When you get there.

• Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – 
  But it sure does muffle the sound.

• It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, 
  Then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller.

• Lately, you’ve noticed people your age, 
  Are so much older than you.

• “One for the road” … 
  Means peeing before you leave the house.

My wife minored in psychology.  She’s always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, “Well, you know, you’re only firing him because he’s so young and good-looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you’re projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with.”

I said, “Honey…we don’t have a pool.”

How did “the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog” become the typical sentence that contains all letters of the alphabet and not “sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow” which is objectively a million times cooler.

I’m in Home Depot and some little kid called me an old fart…

So…if you’re missing your kid…he’s in the red LG dryer…aisle 17…learning some manners.

Son:  Hey Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend. 

Dad:  You can do better. 

Son:  Thanks, Dad. 

Dad:  I wasn’t talking to you.

I do!  According to what I just read, because I was curious as to whether it was a real memory or not, seatbelts started showing up in cars as early as the mid 1950’s, which would have pre-dated old Impish Dragon.  But weren’t federally mandated until the 1968 model, which would have put me at about 10 years old.  So yeah.  It’s probably a real memory.  My first car, a ’67 Plymouth Barracuda, which I adored, by the way, had seatbelts, but I wonder if they were factory installed or after market.  The article went on to say that even though they were installed in all cars as of the 1968 model year, many drivers and passengers simply refused to wear them.

This next one is, of course, from our own dear Stephanie…who else?  Click on the title and it should take you there.  If not, click here: http://The Worst Things For Sale The Internet’s most horrible items. A daily blog.

The Worst Things For Sale

The Internet’s most horrible items. A daily blog.

Since we’re getting very near the end of today’s episode and I recently got a couple of comments that I want to share and a few other things as well, I think…I say I think because I’m not really sure.  Today is Sunday and it’s been a really … um … filled Sunday.  I’ll let it go at that for now.  Anyway, first comment from Leah, I thought everyone had figured this one out.

I would have HAD to go ask.  That’s crazy.  Unless it went to a bunch of different carrier facilities in the same city to pick up more packages before starting the route for the day or something…but it starts at 0500 and goes until 1800!

Anyway, from Evan:

Again from dear Stephanie, this one will easily chase you down a rabbit hole if you’re not careful!

List of Unusual Deaths

Okay, I don’t get that one…someone wanna help me out, here?

A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords.

She got a pen and paper and said, “Thank God for that, what are they?”

Okay, I’m not going to get a chance to get to the other things I wanted to get to by the close of this episode.  The Holy Spirit is pushing me to write another essay and keeps whispering into my head about what to write and He is telling me and I’m writing it and I’m really not happy with the way it is coming out.  So, in the middle of like the third rewrite.  I was hoping to share it with you guys, but maybe for Thursday.  Anyway, be well, be happy, be Blessed until next time.

It’s Friday.  Yesterday.  And I finally have a day off.  Actually, I was going to go to the hospital this morning…no!  Not for anything like that!  To get some lab work done.  But, I kinda blew it off.  So, instead, I’ve just been sitting here, doing … stuff.  Catching up on reading, catching up on emails, catching up on other correspondences, that sort of stuff.

I finally heard from the lawyers in Florida and have started making headway on the estate.  I may have mentioned this in the last episode. I got emailed 6 official documents to sign.  They had to be, as the lawyer said, ink signed.  One had to be notarized.  Then they all get scanned back in and emailed back and all get put in the mail and the hardcopies get mailed back.

So, I emailed everything back and when I heard that they got everything in good shape then I would put everything in the mail.  So, they write back to me and tell me I have to take the notarized one back to where it was notarized and have the person who notarized it mark a box that she failed to mark that says whether the individual (me) signed in her presence or not.  Put a little X in the box.  I guess there is a way to do notary on line now?  I thought the whole idea of having something notarized was that the person who was a notary, who’s reputation was supposed to be above reproach, swore that they KNEW, either through personal recognition, photo identification, SOMETHING … that you were who you said you were and that you signed that document right in front of them.  How could you possibly do that on line?

Anyway, so my first thought was, “Why don’t they just check the box themselves?”  Then I thought, “Actually, that’s a really good thing that your lawyer has that much integrity that they wouldn’t even do that.”  Then I thought, “Well, why don’t I just check the box, rescan it and email it back, myself.”

… ?

… !

“Because,” I thought, “then I wouldn’t have as much integrity as the lawyers that I was just congratulating myself on having hired.”  So, I went back to the bank and explained the situation, had the really nice lady there check the box, thanked her very much and walked back out.  

And that pretty much describes what’s going on with the lawyers.  Or in other words…I have no idea, but it IS moving forward.

And a really nice comment from Evan follows…

Our dear Stephanie has been finding cool websites for us again.  This one is a list of conspiracy theories:https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_conspiracy_theories

This next one is scary as heck.  And it makes me want to gather up some people and try it myself.

Trained hunting dragon

This one is extraordinarily interesting.  Very long, but quite good.  Thanks to Leah for sending us this.

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house.

Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy’s mother looked straight into his eyes and said, “I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of cake.”

“No,” replied Tommy, “but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking.”

TEENAGER (NOUN)

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS). Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (See PARENTS) Very territorial. (See ITS MY ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.)

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF). The males of the species forage for food constantly (See MCDONALD’S) and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF).

The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development (See WONDER BRAS). Males indicate their approval by staring at the display (See FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF). The call of the female is complex and shrill, “Like, O m’ Gosh! O m’ Gosh!” Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory, “Yo. Yo. Yo. S’up? S’up? S’up?”

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, “I’m doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK.” The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios.

Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See FATHERS, LECTURES OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt, and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapien families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See STRESS) or more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life.

Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See COLLEGE).

2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. (“She’s a Teenager.”)

3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. (“I have a Teenager at home.”) Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

– Bobby Kelton (c1939-)

There’s a fairy tale going on here or something.

I’m going to have to get me one of those signs.

Many, many times.

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling “Mom! Dad! Come quick!

There’s a Franc in Stein!

Kansas Law

If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

A lovely young single girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition; marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying.

As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.” She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her.

The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. “YOU,” she shouted, “What’s it going to be?”

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand, “Please take a seat, Mrs. Howard. I’m making all the arrangements.  Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She’ll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week.”

The  mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?”

I haven’t done it often, but I have done it.

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok.  Right click again.  Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir.  Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure.  You told me to write ‘click’, and I wrote ‘click’.”

I have met this customer so many times in so many different places…

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: 

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'” 

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???” 

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.

Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. “Why are you using our telephone,” he yelled. “Why aren’t you talking on your own telephone?”

“I can’t,” she said, “because I’m expecting an important incoming call on my phone.”

And I have raised THAT teenager.  As I think most of us have.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
6. He’s fascinated by the details of you home security system
7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
9. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks
10. No toes

“Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.”

– George Eliot (1819-1880)

That may be one of my all time favorite quotes.

In the 1930’s, a map-making company put a “phantom settlement” called Agloe on their map, a location that didn’t really exist, but was included as a trap to catch anyone plagiarizing their work.

Two decades later, Rand McNally put out a map that included Agloe as well, and the original company sought to sue them for plagiarism.  However, to their astonishment, a tiny settlement had actually come together at that location and named themselves Agloe after seeing that name on the map.

I caught my neighbor stealing my socks off my clothesline. 

I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.

If you’re buying a watch from Amazon, BE WARNED.  I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Fact Of The Day:

First Baby in the Big House

President Grover Cleveland achieved many “firsts” in the White House during his term of office.  He was the first President to get married in the White House and he (and his wife Frances) was the first to have a baby born AT 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW.  To this day, no other child has been born in the White House.

New beginnings are
often disguised as
painful endings.

Happens to me ALL the time!

You only need to remember two things when you’re on Dragon Laffs.

1.  They’re just jokes.

2.  I don’t care if you disagree with me.

People landed on the moon before they figured out to put wheels on suitcases.  Macy’s sold its first wheeled suitcases in October 1970, and you surely know that Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon on July 20, 1969.

I’ve been saying that for years.

Before I close out for the night, I want to bring up one point point.  Today I found out that Joe Biden was determined to be immune from prosecution for mishandling of documents 8 years ago, when he WAS NOT the president and didn’t have the authority to even HAVE those documents.  Donald Trump IS being prosecuted for the same thing when he WAS president and DID have the authority to have those documents.  That’s not only selective prosecution, and a weaponized justice system (and illegal) it’s down right STUPID.  Now, why was it determined he was immune from prosecution?  Because 8 years ago he was an old man, mentally unfit, and probably didn’t know what he was doing.  That is what was determined.  And yet, we are supposed to believe 8 years later, that he is FIT TO HOLD THE KEYS TO THE NUCLEAR CODES?!?!  AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT HE IS THE ONE MAKING ALL THE DECISIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE?!?!  They just admitted that 8 YEARS ago he was unfit.  They admitted it.  And yet, the democrats want us to believe that he is the best person to run our country.  THAT’S the best the democrats have to offer us.  

Are we not so incredibly ashamed of ourselves.  Just like when Jerusalem turned it’s back on God in the Old Testament and God sent so many different other countries to try to drive them back to Him…and it wasn’t until they got a Godly leader before things started going their way again.  We have to open our eyes and STOP listening to evil people.  They are not even TRYING anymore.  If he was incompetent 8 years ago, he’s incompetent more so NOW! 

I saw this picture on someone’s profile on Twitter … I’m sorry … X today and I copied it because it scared the ever living daylights out of me.  

May our dear Heavenly Father Bless you all with Love, Happiness, Laughter, and Comfort.  And may He Protect us all.  Until next time my friends.  Keep laughing.

I really do like that header.  Kind of descriptive of our whole outlook on life here at Dragon Laffs.  So, it’s Monday and I’m getting ready to take my beasts to the vet.  If you guys don’t hear from me again, would one of you please check the county jail and see what my bond is.

In the meantime, I’ve got a bunch of stuff to pop in and talk to you guys about, but for now, let’s just go ahead and get this party started.

So, got this email from Stephen B. about the last episode of DL. 

I do have a problem with the link you sent on the Press Secretary…….I think the Military Wife insulted the intelligence of a bean sprout.

The show where Lenny and Squiggy were singing was Laverne & Shirley.

Why do you need a red dot on grenade launchers?  To scare the bejeezes out of the one it is being aimed at. KEEP ‘EM COMING!

I meant to bring this up at the time, but I believe it is the place of the military member, and their families to keep their mouths shut in regard to their feelings about the president and the administration.  That is their commander-in-chief.  And in and of the fact that I, too work for the military AND am a veteran, I should have the respect to not criticize because the president, no matter who he is, is my boss, and I should respect the office, if not the person.  But, what that press secretary said was SO insulting and SO degrading, plus just wrong and ADD to that the remarks of Kirby prior to that when he announced that “only 3 Soldiers were killed…” ONLY?  How can you minimize the fact that ANY American Military lives are lost?  That’s just degrading.  He of all people should be howling at the moon at lost military lives.  Well, after all that (plus so very much more from this piece of garbage administration when it comes to the military) yeah, I don’t have a problem at ALL with what that military wife said, nor with me presenting it here to you guys.

And yes indeed, I think bean sprouts everywhere should be insulted by comparison.  But the red dot on the grenade launcher to scare the recipient of the grenade?  Isn’t that a lot like the cat playing with  the mouse before eating it?  So…okay…I see your point.  Sounds like fun.

Are we going to start this again?

Aussie Pete, I blame this on you.  You being our Aussie Rep, that’s what you get.

You don’t hear much about the Bermuda Triangle anymore because it filled with so many sunken ships that it’s become a wrecktangle.

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.  There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, and proctologists, any place you have a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.  They make an entire career out of that hole.  And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why?
So he can make a new hole!

More and more.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.  This poor guy, possibly even a relative of mine, just needs to use the restroom and people are taking pictures of him!

My friend Ian used to be a Magician before he lost his Magic.

I really enjoy seafood

I just realized that the word “seven” has “even” in it.

That’s odd.

Oh come on!!

I KNOW he’s related to me!

I really do like crab cakes.

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

Accidently sprayed body spray in my mouth.  I now talk with an axe scent.

[baby crying on plane]

Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse than a baby crying on a plane? 

Me: [pulling out a kazoo] Let’s find out, shall we?

I forgot to put my ice scraper back in my car.  This morning I had to use a store rewards card.  It was ineffective, only took off 5%.

If you’re 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

FOR SALE:
Dead Canary.
Not going cheep.

I can cut a piece of wood in half, just by looking at it.

It’s true!  I saw it with my own eyes.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today with no iPhone, tablet, or laptop.  He just sat there…drinking coffee…like a psychopath.

Okay, so I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have been getting a plethora of political “surveys” in the mail.  They’re not really surveys, they are more very poorly written questionnaires and more blunt pleas for money.  I’ll give you a quick example of one I got today.  Here’s the question:

20.  Are you concerned about the rise in political correctness and left-wing radicalism on America’s college campuses, where conservative views are suppressed, and conservative speakers are harassed and even attacked?

Oh come on!  That’s such a lop-sided question.  And of course the choices for answers are yes, no and undecided.  That’s like asking someone if they have stopped beating their wife yet.  There is no way of honestly answering it and it’s not really asking a real question anyway.  I would really like to see a REAL survey.  

But the thing that really annoys me about these are that every single one of them is more wrapped up and spends more time trying to convince me to send them money.  And the one today just annoyed the daylights out of me.  It was from the National Republican Senatorial Committee.  The last page had the “Assessment Verification and Reply” where you verify that, yes indeed, these were my answers AND I am enclosing my most generous contribution of:

and then they have these boxes you can check.  I know you’ve seen them.  This particular one though had $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, $34*, $25, and Other: $_____.  Look closely at the $34 one and see that there is an asterixis behind that one.  If you look right below the box with all the numbers in you can read that:

*Your gift of $34 is just $1 for every Senate seat in 2024.  Like their saying, “You cheap bastard.  These poor starving baby Senators and all you can spare is a lousy dollar?  How dare you!  But if you think about, these poor senators get paid $174,000 a year.  That’s more than TWICE what I get paid.  Plus they get compensated for their staff, their office, their all kinds of stuff, I just read a minute ago that the average allowance for senators is OVER $3.7 million a year!  And!  AND they can gain a retirement after 6 years.  It’s not a great retirement at that point, but still.  I have to work for 20 years to get a not great retirement.  I’ll bet after 20 years theirs is pretty darn good.  And now they are going to shame ME for not sending THEM my money!  How about shaming them for being ridiculously over paid? 

I say we put them under the same pay scale as the military.  For crying out loud, they’re not even getting shot at for a living!!  Make them all E-1’s for their first year, make them have to work a minimum of 20 years in Government service to get a 50% retirement.  And at least once, they have to be deployed for a year and be shot at.  

I, Impish Dragon, so make a motion.  Do I have a second?

Oh, and before any of you ask, I did NOT send them a check.  But I am considering answering the questionnaire and writing in the margins and telling them how stupid each question is and how they could have reworded it to make it a worthwhile question.  And adding at the end WHY I’m not sending them a check and why they should strongly consider sending all of us one.

That really, Really, REALLY ought to tell us something.

I really want them!!!

Breaking News:  Local glass blower was rushed to the hospital this morning because he inhaled whilst working.

A hospital spokesperson said, “He’s okay, but he does still have a pane in his stomach and a glazed look on his face.”

Interesting fact:  Lumberjacks know EXACTLY how many trees they cut down each year.  Apparently they keep a log.

I got tired of being asked how I got the scars on my forehead, and finally answered:  “I’m married.  Those are beak marks from being hen pecked.”

Questions asked about….

The Pregnancy: 

 Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?

*Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.


Are birth control pills deductible? 

*Only if they don’t work. 


What is a chastity belt? 

*A labor-saving device. 


Should I have a baby after 35? 

*No,  35 children are enough. 


Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? 

*Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.


My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

Your therapist. 


 During The Pregnancy: 


How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? 

*If it’s the flu, you’ll get better. 


 I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?

*Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long. 


What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? 

*Childbirth. 


I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? 

*With any luck, right after he finishes college. 


 Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet  have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

*Yes, your bladder. 


Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

*Depends on what you’re doing with them. 


What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? 

*Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder. 


 My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

*Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. 


 When is the best time to get an epidural? 

*Right after you find out your pregnant. 


What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning? 

*It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you.


What are forceps? 

*Giant baby tweezers. 


 Does labor cause hemorrhoids? 

*Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. 


After The Pregnancy: 


 Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? 

*No, but your husband might get on your nerves. 


Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? 

*When it’s a girl, for starters. 


 Where is the best place to store breast milk? 

*In your breasts. 


 Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? 

*Yes, baby lips. 


What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? 

*It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. 


How does one sanitize nipples?* 

Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. 


 What are the terrible twos? 

*Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. 


What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? 

*When you see teeth marks. 


What is the grasp reflex? 

*The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts. 



What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away? 

*They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.


 Do I have to have a baby shower? 

*Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly. 


What causes baby blues? 

*Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos. 


What is colic? 

*A reminder for new parents to use birth control. 


What are night terrors? 

*Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again. 


Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

*When the kids are in college. 


Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? 

*Yes, pregnancy. 

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a “walk” and the students were free to leave – with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that “jumped” ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to “jump” ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely “absent-minded”). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them “You have 1 hour to complete”.

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully “jumped” the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worried about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”

The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?” 

The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.” 

Back in the old days, the USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans.

So they built and it was beautiful. When he came to test it, he looked through it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.

He said, “Is this the New York? Where’s that building they call Empire State?”

The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen. 

“What are those large photos on that building?” he asked.

The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.

“Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says.” More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos:

“Don’t grow beards like these! Use Gillette!”

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1.  Two World Wars and One World Cup

2.  Proper beer

3.  You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket

4.  You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events

5.  Union jack underpants

6.  Water shortages guaranteed every single summer

7.  You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8.  Bathing once a week – whether you need to or not

9.  Ditto changing underwear

10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH

1.  Yur nay English!

2.  Yur nay English!

3.  Yur nay English!

4.  Yur nay English!

5.  Yur nay English!

6.  Yur nay English!

7.  Yur nay English!

8.  Yur nay English!

9.  Yur nay English!

10. Yur nay English!

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business.

I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited.

We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear. When it did not, my thoughtful seven- year-old gave me a hug.

“It’s okay, Mom,” she said. “The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”

Okay folks, that’s it.  Time to go.  Love and happiness to you all.  Till next time.

Okay, I gotta share this right up front before I lose the link.  This was sent to me by buddy Sasquatch as a video that I can’t share with you guys.  It’s a tik tok  video and I can’t yet figure out how to put them on the blog.  I WILL NOT down load the app on my phone, laptop, tablet, etc.  because I do believe that it is a tool that the chinese are using to spy on us with…amongst many other things.  And yes, I know they are probably spying on me with so many other things that it is a moot point, but I’m not going to make it easy on them.  Anyway, I did find the video on another spot on line that I think might be safer…maybe… a little.  And it is so well said and so important that I want you guys to watch it, so please click on this link and if it asks you, just click on continue as guest.  https://www.tiktok.com/@theliftedpatriot/video/7329659467937697055

And now we can continue on with the rest of it.

Gonna try really hard to get SOMETHING put together for Monday.  So, let’s get to it!

I’ll second … all in favor?

Aussie Pete sent us this “Clever Ad”

I really like Michael’s idea…

Yup, definitely in favor of your ideas, Michael.

And another cool site from Stephanie.  I happen to have this App downloaded on my phone https://www.flightradar24.com/34.00,-89.54/6  Definitely worth checking out.

Yeah, good luck pal!

In the still of the night…

Wow…that brings me way back!

Banned in the USA: 30 Movies Theaters Refused to Show | Wealth of Geeks  

https://wealthofgeeks.com/movies-u-s-theaters-refused-show/

Match the arrestee with their alleged crime | The Smoking Gun

Can’t play on a phone because you have to click and drag the crime strangely addicting.  I spent way too much time going to the next one and the next one and the … https://www.thesmokinggun.com/time-waster/match-arrestee-their-alleged-crime-450317#

How many of you youngsters can even tell me what show this is from?

This is one of our husband and wife teams that work down in editing.

‘Everyone loved him’: Sylvester Stallone, Adam Sandler and other stars on Carl Weathers’ death

Rest in Peace Carl Weathers

(If you click on the title, is should take you to the article)

The world wants peace, but rejects the Prince of Peace.
The world wants love, but rejects the Author of Love.
The world wants life, but rejects the One Who gave His to save theirs.
The world desperately wants Jesus, but they’re too busy rejecting Him to realize He’s the answer.

Overheard a lady saying she won’t let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like “jumping in puddles”.  I watched Road Runner as a kid and I haven’t blown anyone up with dynamite — yet.

If by “CRUNCHES” you mean the sound BACON makes when you EAT IT, THEN yes, I do CRUNCHES!

I admit, my pervert level is WAY above the national average but…

I’ve learned to live with that.

Here’s a joke for all the mind readers out there…

…I know, right.

Like the “mostly peaceful” black lives matter demonstrations? or the “Insurrection and riot on January 6th?

Why don’t they just get someone with a modicum of brains?

THERE IS NO BLACK NATIONAL ANTHEM!
THERE IS NO WHITE NATIONAL ANTHEM!
There is the AMERICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM!!!
If THAT offends you…YOU are the problem in AMERICA!!!!

EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT CONSPIRACY MINDED,
SOMETHING IN YOUR

SOUL

HAS TO BE TELLING YOU SOMETHING
ISN’T RIGHT WITH ANY OF THIS!

Undertakers Reveal The Weirdest Things They’ve Ever Seen At A Funeral – George Takei

Okay, there is some weird stuff on this site…weird https://www.georgetakei.com/undertakers-reveal-the-weirdest-things-theyve-ever-seen-at-a-funeral-2640777237.html

The best excuses people give to get out of a speeding ticket 

Some of these are exceptional, also:https://www.police1.com/traffic-patrol/articles/top-20-best-and-worst-excuses-for-speeding-mZlu6DOU2nfwk87P/

Yup, milk money

I’m terrible with names.  It’s not my fault, it’s a condition.  There’s a name for it…

In the town where I grew up, there was a large statue in one of the parks, of a famous historical white colonizer.  I’m not going to say who specifically, suffice it to say that it was someone who wasn’t worth memorializing for their deeds.  And as you can imagine, this statue was a frequent target of vandalism, with paint or toilet paper or eggs on multiple occasions.  Now, the local council was generally pretty lax when it came to repairing potholes or other public damage in town, but every time, 24 hours after this particular statue was hit, the same person would always appear in a Hi-Vis vest, hat, mask and sunglasses, carrying a bucket of water, and wash it clean.  They would do it as quickly as possible, but always made sure the face and the name carved at the bottom were generously scrubbed.  This only encouraged people to do it again, and so it became a vicious cycle.

Within a year, the statue had sustained so much damage that it was unrecognizable and the lettering unreadable, so eventually the council came and took it down.  Also apparently, the person in the Hi-Vis vest didn’t even work for the council.  They were supposedly just some “good Samaritan” who cleaned it, often before the council even discovered it needed cleaning, so they just let them do it and ignored the problem.  They didn’t bother putting the statue up again.

Much later, we found out that the anonymous “Samaritan” had been deliberately washing the statue with a bucket of saltwater, which had dramatically corroded it, causing irreversible accumulative damage far worse than spray paint ever would have done.  It’s even theorized that they were also often the one spray-painting it, just so that they had an excuse to come back after a day to wash it.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Hey bartender, I’ll have a beer, and a mop.”

I walked into my bedroom, turned on the light, and there was a large picture of Barry Gibb on the bed.  Scared the BeeGeeses out of me.

Okay, I know all us older folks know what these are, but how about you youngsters?  Do you know what these are?

There’s a convent that only eats fresh lettuce salads.  The nuns there consider themselves Romaine Catholics.

I got fired from PC World yesterday.  A woman came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors…

I said a shovel.

And that’s it my friends.  I have to go.  Got this done just in time.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I just realized that I have no time this week.  LOL!  I know, why is this week any different than any other week?  Well, today is Thursday and I’m trying to get Saturday’s issue put together.  Here in just a little while I will be leaving for my Thursday night ministry.

Side Note:  That sounds wrong.  Thursday night ministry.  And it’s not really a Bible Study since we’re actually teaching a lesson out of a workbook.  We are studying Hebrews 11, known as the Hall of Heroes and, not surprising at all, the Lesson we are going through is called Biblical Heroes or Heroes of the Bible or something to that effect.  Let’s call it “Heroes of the Bible”.  I feel like it’s a ministry in that I’m drawn to it and feel led to do it.  I feel that the Spirit teaches…just like the Jail Ministry.  Anyway, I’m rambling.  It just doesn’t sound right.

So, as I was saying, leaving for Thursday night shortly, then tomorrow night, when I would normally be off and have time to work on Saturday’s issue, Miss Izzy Dragon has an appointment, so that will take up approximately 3 hours or so of tomorrow night.  So, I have to work quickly.

Then, this weekend is the UTA, so I will be working all weekend, with EXTRA stuff this weekend, so there may not (probably not) be an issue on Monday.  And both (BOTH!!!! Oh the dread involved in THAT word!!) of my puppy dogs have a vet appointment on Monday, so I could very well be in hospital by Monday evening.  So, pray for me on Monday.  I told the Vet when they confirmed the appointment the other day.  We’ll bring Pepper in first and you’ll love us because she’s so sweet and so nice.  Then I will bring in Willow…the beast…and you’ll tell us to never come back again.  Oh, did I mention that our old vet suddenly closed down with no warning and we had to start with a new vet and this is their first visit to said new vet?  And… AND…I’m going to sedate Willow.

Heavily.

And I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts that she STILL terrorizes the place.  And it’s only for one of two reasons.  She either loves you and wants to play and her idea of play is all out war or she is frightened of you and wants to protect Izzy and I and her idea of protection is… you guessed it, all out war.  Either way, I don’t think that sedation is really going to make that much difference.  Should be interesting though.  This is a 40 pound German Shepherd / Border Collie mix that can drag 180 pound me across the yard or back driveway while she is on the leash if she wants to protect me from the dreaded squirrel or bunny in the backyard.  Like I said, ALL OUT WAR.  At the same time, she will sit quietly and wait and drool, but not take a treat out of my hand, even though her sister Pepper is chomping away at hers, even though I am holding it directly in front of her mouth, and I tell her “easy”, she still won’t take it until I say, “okay” and then she ever so gently takes it out of my fingers.  And if she starts to become too aggressive I can gently say, “no” and she stops with her mouth open around it and backs right off.  It’s the most amazing thing, ever.  This female warrior when it comes to other people and creatures and gentle girl around Izzy and I.  Well, more so me than Izzy.  Pepper is Izzy’s girl.  Willow listens to me.

Anyway, let’s get started on the fun stuff, shall we?

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing.

He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water but you can’t make him hoarse.

A woman came into a chemist with a shopping list.

As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, the pharmacist inquired what size of each she wanted.

Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Enos.(Antiacid in England)

The pharmacist was surprised when, in response to his usual question, “What size?”

she said, “What size would you suggest? I’m only having four for dinner.”

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands” and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”
9. Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident… I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.  Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”

“Yum!  I love seafood!”

Got a really good comment from Evan..

I agree with you on the morally handicapped.  Much more difficult to tell at a glance, and hardly ever self-identified.  I agree with you on the F-35, and at some point in time would love to hear the story of the design of that.  But, I will tell you that to hear of the F-35 being slotted to replace the A-10 is ludicrous.  Just one dragon’s opinion…who has a LOT of experience loading weapons on aircraft.  

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.” “Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost? “

The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”

This letter is from one of our dear regular readers.  Thank you so much my dear friend, you made me laugh so very hard.  Subject line:  Football question

Not a foot ball fan, even less now.

Back in my day if you weren’t very swift it was a negative thing…now people are proud to be Swifties.

My question – Goggle says she dated 10 other football players – and we all know goggle is right – does that make them both wide receivers – definitely not both tight ends.

ROFLMAO!

I’m not saying this is another portrait of any of the people who you’ve met before.  I’m definitely NOT saying that.  But, it could be someone you know quite well…

Ummm…why?

Boy, ain’t that the truth.

This next one from brother Sasquatch is really good.  It’s called 20 Life Lessons From Mister Rogers

20 Life Lessons From Mister Rogers

Before there was Blippi and Blue’s Clues, there was Mister Rogers, aka Fred McFeely Rogers, the host of the eponymous children’s television series Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Rogers was the sort of TV host that both kids and parents trusted and enjoyed.

Known for his calm demeanor, friendly attitude, and astute life lessons, Rogers established himself as an icon for the more than three decades that the PBS show aired. He began each episode by changing into one of his trademark cardigan sweaters and slipping on some sneakers while singing the show’s theme song, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” And he concluded each episode with the song “Tomorrow.”

The series ran for 31 seasons, from 1968 through 2001.  Rogers dispensed timeless wisdom about how to be kind to others, how to feel good about yourself, and what to do when you’re up against your worst fears.

He used everything from puppets to songs to chats with friendly neighborhood pals to teach kids about the importance of empathy and compassion, encouraging his young viewers to dream big, explore the world, and above all else, be kind. Here, we’ve rounded up 20 of Rogers’ most memorable quotes,  reminders of the good old days of turning on the TV and spending an afternoon in the neighborhood.

ON KINDNESS

1.  All of us, at some time or other, need help. Whether we’re giving or receiving help, each one of us has something valuable to bring to this world. That’s one of the things that connects us as neighbors — in our own way, each one of us is a giver and a receiver.

2.  As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has or ever will have, something inside that is unique to all time.

3.  When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

4.  Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered, as a matter of course, just one kind word to another person.

ON LOVE

​​5.  Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like “struggle.” To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.

6.  Everyone longs to be loved. And the greatest thing we can do is to let people know that they are loved and capable of loving.

7.  Listening is where love begins: listening to ourselves and then to our neighbors.

8.  I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be.

9.  Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other’s achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain.

ON HEALING

10.  Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. Like all of life’s important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives.

​​11.  There is no normal life that is free of pain. It’s the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth.

12.  When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.

ON LIVING LIFE TO ITS FULLEST

13.  It’s not so much what we have in this life that matters. It’s what we do with what we have.

14.  The thing I remember best about successful people I’ve met all through the years is their obvious delight in what they’re doing, and it seems to have very little to do with worldly success. They just love what they’re doing, and they love it in front of others.

15.  It’s good to be curious about many things.

16.  You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.

ON INDIVIDUALITY

17.  If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of.

18.  We all have different gifts, so we all have different ways of saying to the world who we are.

19.  It’s really easy to fall into the trap of believing that what we do is more important than what we are. Of course, it’s the opposite that’s true: What we are ultimately determines what we do!

20.  The greatest gift you ever give is your honest self

That was such a GREAT episode and a really good show.  And I know, there are some of you youngsters out there who are saying…”A great episode of what?  What show?”  And it just makes me want to cry over what you all missed.

And this one is from Joe from NJ.  And it is also so very, very funny!

Proofreading Needed

Spelling and grammar errors found on review of hospital charts

1. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.  I was married to one who had that.
2. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.  Well, some doctors are emotional.
3. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.  Tallest man or shortest man?
4. The skin was moist and dry.  Must of been related to the guy in #3
5. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.   Well, that is where a lot of guys keep their brains.
6. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.  That is one of the ones that made me laugh out loud.
7. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.  And this one.  Although, I would of thought that a crappy guy would have given her diarrhea.    
8. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.  Well, if you don’t get her permission first, that’s a felony.
9. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.  Yeah, that would do it.
10. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.  I have had all kinds of physical therapy and none of it was EVER done under a car.
11. The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.  more felonies.
12. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.  Patient was alert and unresponsive.
13. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
14. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.  That’s going to be one smart turtle one day.
15. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.  Well, if you’ve ever been to LA that wouldn’t surprise you at all.
16. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.  I have SO MANY questions
17. She is numb from her toes down.  Down to what?
18. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.  Isn’t there a starfish or something who’s genitalia is on their feet?  
19. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
20. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.  Would have been better off with the bowel resection.
21. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.  Don’t we all.
22. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children  That’s really not as uncommon as you would think.

Always, Always, ALWAYS question the situation when the sounds of the forest stop for no apparent reason.  Because whether it’s apparent or not, there is ALWAYS a reason.  Think about it.  If the forest didn’t go quiet when YOU showed up, whatever it was that made it go quiet is bigger and badder than you are.

A woman  called up the fire department and said, “Look, I’ve just had a new rock garden built and I’ve just planted some new roses, and..” 

The fireman said, “Where’s the fire?” 

She said, “I’ve just spent a lot of money having my lawn mowed and my hedges clipped.  Some of my new plants are very expensive…” 

He said, “Look, lady, you don’t want the fire department, you want a flower shop.” 

She said, “No, I don’t.  The house next door is on fire, and I don’t want you clumsy fireman stamping all over my garden when you come over.” 

At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. 

“Rabbi?” asked little Melvin “there’s something I need to know.” 

“What’s that my child?” asked the Rabbi. 

“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?” 

“Right.” 

“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Uh … right.” 

“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?” 

“Again you are correct.” 

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?” 

“All that is correct,” agreed the Rabbi. “So what’s your question?” 

“What I need to know is this,” demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?” 

TEN TOP THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY 

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking. 

9. Today is our what? 

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events? 

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. 

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother. 

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s. 

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up. 

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love. 

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. 

However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. 

“Aidan,” said the neighbor, “I never knew you were so strong.” 

“Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I’d have thrashed him properly.”

Truer words have NEVER been spoken!! And it gives me a chance to build a  collage of some of my favorites to share.

This final little essay is sent to us by Sasquatch.   He had the attribution wrong, so I took that off, but the sentiment is dead on.  So, if you want to attribute it to someone, you can tell them that you saw it here on Dragon Laffs!

Everybody, whether republican, democrat, independent, whatever, need to see this. 

Just a little reminder of the stakes next November…

Here are some interesting points to think about prior to the November election, especially to my friends on the fence, like moderate Democrats, Libertarians and Independents and the never Trump Republicans and those thinking of “walking away” from the Democratic party.

Women are upset at Trump’s naughty words —  they also bought 80 million copies of 50 Shades of Gray.

Not one feminist has defended Sarah Sanders. It seems women’s rights only matter if those women are liberal.

No Border Walls. No voter ID laws. Did you figure it out yet? But wait… there’s more …

Chelsea Clinton got out of college and got a job at NBC that paid  $900,000  per year. Her mom flies around the country speaking out about white privilege.

And just like that, they went from being against foreign interference in our elections to allowing non-citizens to vote in our elections.

President Trump’s wall costs less than the Obamacare website. Let that sink in, America.

We are one election away  from open borders, socialism, gun confiscation, and full-term abortion nationally. We are fighting evil.

They sent more troops and armament to arrest Roger Stone than they sent to defend Benghazi. Did you hear that Hillary??

60 years ago, Venezuela was 4th on the world economic freedom index. Today, they are 179th and their citizens are dying of starvation. In only 10 years, Venezuela was destroyed by democratic socialism.

Russia  donated $0.00 to the Trump campaign.  Russia donated $145,600,000 to the Clinton Foundation. But Trump was the one investigated!

Nancy  Pelosi invited illegal aliens to the State of the Union. President Trump Invited victims of illegal aliens  to the State of the Union. Let that sink in.

A socialist is basically a communist who doesn’t have the power to take everything from their citizens at gunpoint … Yet!

How do you walk 3000 miles across Mexico without food or support and show up at our border 100 pounds overweight and with a fully charged cell phone?

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez wants to ban cars, ban planes, give out universal income and thinks socialism works. She calls Donald Trump crazy.

Bill Clinton paid $850,000 to Paula Jones to get her to go away. I don’t remember the FBI raiding his lawyer’s office.

I wake up every day and I am grateful that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States of America.

The same media that told me Hillary Clinton had a 95% chance of winning now tells me Trump’s approval ratings are low.

The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money….. Margaret Thatcher

Maxine Waters opposes voter ID laws; She thinks that they are racist. You need to have a photo ID to attend her town hall meetings  .

President Trump said, “They’re not after me. They’re after you. I’m just in their way.”

Now, go Back & Read this Again like your Future Depends upon it, Because it Does .

As Joe says, this one is an

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!”

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, “Can people predict the future with cards?”

His response was, “My mother can.”

The teacher replied, “Really?”

The young boy was quick to explain, “Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”

Four retired Army veterans are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says “Veterans Bar” over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn’t look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the ” book by it’s cover ” .

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?” There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis – shaken not stirred and says, “That’ll be 40 cents, please.” The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other – they can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and ordered another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with ! the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 more cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?”

The bartender replies, “No doubt you’ve noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain’t nothin’ to write home about. I don’t waste money on that stuff. But, here’s my story. I’m a retired Master Sergeant and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”

“Wow. That’s quite a story.” says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the! bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “Oh, those are retired Marines. They’re waiting for happy hour.”

That sounds like every Marine I’ve ever met.  And I don’t say that despairingly.   

There is so much truth in that last one.  God’s plans are always the right plans.  All we have to do is have the faith necessary to follow them.

Kentucky Law

By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.

A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an American Airlines pilot: “On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire state buildings stacked one on top the other.

“Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol.” “We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives.”

“In other words, we’re faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way of life!”

A pompous gentleman once asked the sharp-tongued actress, Mrs. Patrick Campbell, “Why do you suppose it is that women so utterly lack a sense of humour?” 

God did it on purpose,” Mrs. Campbell answered without batting an eyelash, “so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you.” 

What about those of us who stay up late and get up early?

Okay, so some of these are pretty good…

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

10.. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9.. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8.. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7.. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.

6.. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5.. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4.. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3.. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2.. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve…

1.. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.”  Now, you just KNEW that one was going to be in the list, right?

Wise Advice From a Farmer’s Wife

• Whenever you return a borrowed pie pan,
  • Make sure it’s got a warm pie in it.

• Invite lots of folks to supper.
  • You can always add more water to the soup.

• There’s no such thing as woman’s work on a farm.
  • There’s just work.

• Make home a happy place for the children.
  • Everybody returns to their happy place.

• Always keep a small light on …
  • In the kitchen window at night.

• If your man gets his truck stuck in the field, don’t go in after him. 
  • Throw him a rope and pull him out with the tractor.

• Keep the kerosene lamp …
  • Away from the milk cow’s leg.

• It’s a whole lot easier to get breakfast …
  • From a chicken than a pig.

• Always pat the chickens …
  • When you take their eggs.

• It’s easy to clean an empty house,
  • But hard to live in one.  Hard learned truth

• All children spill milk.
  • Learn to smile and wipe it up.

• Homemade is always
  • Better’ n store bought.

• A tongue’s like a knife.
  • The sharper it is the deeper it cuts.

• A good neighbor always knows …
  • When to visit and when to leave.

• A city dog wants to run out the door,
  • But a country dog stays on the porch ’cause he’s not fenced-in.

• Always light birthday candles …
  • From the middle outward.

• Nothin’ gets the frustrations out …
  • Better ‘n  splittn’ wood.

• The longer dress hem,
  • The more trusting the husband.

• Enjoy doing your children’s laundry.
  • Some day they’ll be gone.

• You’ll never catch a runnin’ chicken …
  • But if you throw seed around the back door you’ll have a skillet full by supper.

• Biscuits brown better …
  • With a little butter brushed on ’em.

• Check your shoelaces …
  • Before runnin’ to help somebody.

• Visit old people who can’t get out.
  • Someday you’ll be one.

• The softer you talk,
  • The closer folks’ll listen.

• The colder the outhouse,
  • The warmer the bed.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

And that is that my friends.  I can’t tell at this point in time whether there will be an issue on Monday or not.  I’m leaning towards not, so don’t be surprised.  So, until we meet again, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.