You know, I’m getting really tired of telling you guys about the crappy week I’ve had and then apologizing for not having the time to do a good job on the issue I’m currently working on.  I got letters in the mail this week about foreclosing on my brothers house unless I catch up the mortgage to the tune of about $3500.  The paperwork still isn’t done due to … something that I really shouldn’t talk about here because I don’t really understand what her issue is and I don’t want to say things that may not be true and all I’m trying to do is the best that I can do.  I get nothing out of it.  NONE of the estate goes to me.  Nothing, nada, zilch.  I am working only towards the beneficiary and I just can’t afford to put any more money into this.  I don’t HAVE any more money TO PUT into this and it’s almost to the point that I’m ready to wash my hands of the whole thing and lose the $10,000 that I’ve already put in, but I want to do the right thing.  I KNOW God will take care of me.  And I KNOW that I shouldn’t be, but I’m worried about it.  I’m losing sleep over it and it’s starting to affect my job. 

So, like I said, I’m tired of that being the thing I end up talking about every single time I talk to you guys, so I’m done.

I did get a huge blessing the other day.  Our own dear Stephanie, who has been a dear friend for many years, although we’ve never met face to face, wrote something for me, that has really helped.  I want to thank her publicly for her support and her love and maybe I’ll share what she wrote to me later.

I also want to thank ALL of you for the love and support I’ve gotten from all of you.  I’ve gotten some great emails and some comments that I’ll be sharing, 

We have an exercise that starts on Thursday and runs through the weekend, so I’m not sure how many episodes you’ll get over the next week, if any.  I will do my best to put stuff out and to let you know what’s going on.  

I know you guys are used to it and that it happens to me every now and again and we’ll just pick up when we exercise put the world back together again.  We are doing an exercise this weekend to get ready for a big inspection/exercise at the beginning of April, but if we do well in April, we should be good for a while.  If we do BAD in April, you may not hear from me for several months because it will be HELL around here.  LOL!  I shouldn’t laugh because that won’t really be far from the truth.  But, we should be fine.

Anyway, let’s get this train out of the station, shall we?

Sigh!  Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of…

This first video is absolutely amazing!  Thanks to Joe for this one.

You’re going to ask about $60 toilet paper and not say a word about THOSE TOES!?!?

At a party, a woman walked up to Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) and said, “My husband bet me I couldn’t get three words out of you.”

Coolidge replied “You lose.”

Indiana Law

Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

Wow.  And to think I was breaking the law for so many years…

Sure, this seems legit.

That’s a pretty good trick…from Indiana

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.

She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door- bell rang.

There stood her date.  He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late–and you’re still not ready?”

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. 

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, “I know that in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork… but have you really never even tasted it?” 

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, “I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.” 

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: “I know that in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate, but…” 

The priest interjected, “Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice.” 

The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while. 

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?” 

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. 

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. 

They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. 

“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. 

Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. 

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer. 

LOVE – When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST – When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.
                 

LOVE – When intercourse is called “making love.”‘
LUST – When intercourse is called “screwing.”
MARRIAGE – When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer.

“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African  jungle. 

“Can you imagine,” he demanded, “people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? 

And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?”

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast.”

Roy Rogers and Trigger wended their way home after a most satisfying day at work tending the boundary fences on Roy’s large spread.

About a mile from the homestead Roy noticed a cloud of dust rising from the trail that led from home to the main gate.

As he approached, he saw that it was a large squad of cavalry soldiers led by Major Ted.

As he came up to the column of troops Major Ted called, “Whoa!” and addressed the famous cowboy.

“Good evening, Mr Rogers,” he said.

“Good evening, Major,” replied Roy Rogers.

“Are you’ heading home, Sir?” asked the Major.

“I am indeed, yessir, I’m looking forward to a real meal.”

“Just before you go, Mr Rogers, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”

“Like what, Major?”

“Well, sir, the Indians have been on the rampage over at your homestead.”

“My God! I’d better get over there right away!”

“Just a minute Roy, there’s more. There’s not much left of your house I’m afraid”

“That’s terrible, I’ve got to get home to my family”

“Hold on Roy, there’s more. I’m afraid they scalped your five children and appear to have raped the girls beforehand.”

“Those savages!! I’ve got to get home to my wife, she must be beside herself with grief!”

“Sorry Roy, but there’s more. They also raped your wife and mother before killing them. All the cattle are gone and they put an arrow through your dog Bullet. Most of the house is burned to the ground and they put poison in your water supply.”

“Oh my God! This is the worst day of my life! But still, I’d better get over there and see if there’s anything at all I can do”

“Hold on, Roy – there’s just one more thing . . .”

“Yes Major?”

“Before you go. How’s about a little song for the boys?”

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. 

A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.

Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning “Alarm will sound if opened,” failed to deter people from using it.

One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: “Wet paint.”

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath THEOREM When the body is immersed in water , the telephone rings.

LAW of the RESULT When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Aliens:  Take us to your leader. 

Humans:  No… You’ll laugh at us.

Give a Democrat a fish and he’ll eat for a day.  Teach a Democrat to fish and he’ll steal your rod, take your wallet, sexually assault the fish, and then blame President Trump.

It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong.

Did you hear about the blonde that…

….Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.

….Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.

….Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.

….Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.

….Thought that “no kidding” meant some form of birth control.

….Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.

….Thought that “Moby Dick” was a venereal disease.

….Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.

….Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn’t find the left guard.

….Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.

….Studied 5 days for a urine test.

….Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.

….Thought fetus was a character from “Gunsmoke”.

….Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.

….Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.

….Put 75 holes in her face?…she was learning to eat with a fork.

Character is like a tree, and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.

-Abraham Lincoln (1809 – 1865)

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK.  Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK.  He can’t write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn’t for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left.

Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.  We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It get pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn’t even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Jordie

PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

And with that pleasant thought, I have to end here.  Be blessed until we meet again.

Seaside Heights, New Jersey.  That’s an old picture of Casino Pier, and it’s winter time, you can tell because no one is around and the surfers are in wet suits.  There is an ever so slight possibility that one of them is actually me.  I don’t remember having my picture taken, but who would have stopped to get permission from a couple of kids back in the 70s.

Memories.

I’ve got to get ready to go pick up Izzy from work.  Got to take the two beasties out first.  I’m considering something.  And right now I’m just rambling and not making much sense.  I’ve got this article written and no place to publish it.  It’s too big for Facebook, where I’ve put stuff before.  Too small for a book, by any STRETCH of the imagination.  Too controversial for most of the mainstream Christian magazines and websites.  I need a niche publishing site.  You guys got any ideas?

Alright, gotta go, talk to you guys later..

This one is from Aussie Pete and like the little meme says, it’s an oldie but goodie.

If You’re Outdoors, Wear a Bell Please

 “Important Announcement: In light of the rising frequency of human – grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”

First, in any discussion, it’s essential everyone agrees on definitions, otherwise the discussion will go round and round and get nowhere, like a hamster jogging away fruitlessly on its wheel. 

The word “eternal” defines something that goes on and on and on in time, that persists forever within a timeline. By contrast, the word “timeless” defines something that exists outside of any timeline. 

Most people don’t recognize this all-important distinction and therefore end up creating utter confusion. It doesn’t help that most English translations of the Bible use the word “eternal” to describe the nature of God; but God is timeless, not eternal. 

He doesn’t exist within any timeline – and certainly not the timeline that confines us mortals.  According to the Bible, God created time (and space, matter, and energy), so he exists outside of time (and space, matter, and energy). 

Scientists used to believe that the cosmos was timeless; therefore, there was no need for an agent of creation. But what we’ve discovered in cosmology since 1929 now does require us to believe in an agent of creation. That’s the enormous challenge for today’s Atheists. A person is certainly free to believe that the agent of creation is a timeless singularity; but such a belief: (A) isn’t part of science’s modern standard cosmological model (not even Steven Hawking believed in such a thing), and (B) isn’t any less supernatural – doesn’t require any less faith; in fact, arguably requires more faith – than a belief in the timeless God of the Bible. In fact, using the language of science, one could define the God of the Bible as a timeless singularity! 

Bottom line, the recent discoveries in cosmology make the existence of a timeless, sentient Creator more credible, not less. The awe & wonder of the natural world!

– Love, Dr. Michael Guillén PhD

So, thanks to Lynn, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of Dr. Michael Guillen.  I’ve done some investigation in to him and listened to a couple of his podcasts and he’s a very interesting guy.  Scientist and Christian.  He’s worth looking into, and this statement, makes a heck of a lot of sense.

I’m not 100% sure, but I really thought the truck part was supposed to stay on the ground.

I’m sure (I hope) that its a fake, but what a great joke (I really hope)

From one doctor to another:

“I just lost my best patient.”

“What did he die of?”

“He didn’t die…he got well.”

Wow!  Just…Wow!

Illinois, Chicago  Law

It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.

Not sure exactly what the lead-in to this is, but I think we can all figure it out…

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

– The future of “I give” is “I take.”

– The parts of speech are lungs and air.

– The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

– A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

– Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

– The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

– The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

– We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

– A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

– The climate is hottest next to the creator.

– Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

– Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

– In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

I suppose that is one way to get a seat to yourself

Democratic history book?

One of my favorites

There has to be a GREAT story behind this.  But, I can’t see as how it was that pickup that lost the couch.

Only in Chicago

One day a little Johnny was at school. In Social Studies class, his teacher was talking about people’s last names, about how in the old days their last names used to indicate their occupations.

She gave examples like Baker, which meant he was a baker for a living; Miller meant that person worked in a paper mill, and so on.

Then little Johnny raised his hand, and the teacher said, “Do you have an example for the class?”

He said, “Not really, more of a question.”

“Well, what’s your question?” the teacher asked.

“Well,” said little Johnny, “what did John Hancock do for a living?”

For every twist bolt, there’s a screwed up screw somewhere.

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong. 

One day while they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver. 

The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on its roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed that they were alive. 

As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.

The Priest shouts, “Praise Be! You’ve seen the Light!”

“What?” said the Rabbi. 

“You-you’ve crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful.” 

“Cross myself?!? No no no ! Not me, I was just checking if everything was still in place . . . .Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.” 

Wait until you see it.

A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner.

A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner now!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

Pretty good, “replied the veteran, “Considering this is a bus stop.”

Don’t worry about not having a valentine on Valentine’s Day.  You probably didn’t have a groundhog on groundhogs day either.

If Joe Biden is unfit to stand trial, 

he’s unfit to be president. 

It’s that simple.

I’ve seen these stats over and over again, and yet they still amaze me.

Oh come on.  They got close!

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&” looks like a person dragging their butt across the floor?

Wow, and I couldn’t draw a straight line…I’ll tell you guys that story some time.

That moment when you have something really important to say but you’re waiting for the person who is talking to stop talking, but when they do, you forget what you were going to say.

That is awesome!

I laughed so hard when I read this!  That is God telling you not to play with stuff you shouldn’t, you silly man, you!  Just like the Turkish diplomat who said that allah would destroy Israel while he was on stage and he didn’t get more than a step and than collapsed.  

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.

I’m going through her list looking for stuff to argue with…check back with me later.

It takes 6-8 pallbearers to lift you up when you’re deceased.  Imagine what you can accomplish if you had 6-8 people lifting you up while you are living.

The visual that brings to mind is hilarious!  

The man who turned water into wine can also turn YOUR suffering into Joy!  
AMEN.

This one really made me think:

I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.

Wow….

Dear February,

I don’t want any trouble from you.  Just come in, sit down, don’t touch anything, and keep your mouth shut!!

ENGLISH IS A DIFFICULT LANGUAGE.  IT CAN BE UNDERSTOOD THROUGH TOUGH THOROUGH THOUGHT, THOUGH.

Despite setting up a business using my lathe to make religious figures out of wood, I still haven’t managed to turn a prophet.

And that’s it for another issue my friends.  May you have a blessed week until we meet again.

Today is Saturday…a nice relaxing Saturday.  I’ve already opened all my emails, downloaded pictures and memes, and helped a buddy.  And it’s not even noon yet. 

It’s a beautiful day!

And that’s going to last for …

3

2

1

…

…

Oh, okay, for a while then.  

Anyway, let’s get going with the rest of the stuff.  I’ve also already watched the Equalizer 3 and the first two episodes of The Brothers Sun.  So…relaxing…

Although this doesn’t surprise me, in the grand scheme of things, this is not really a bad plan.

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

“Honey?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”

“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected.

So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my sake?”

“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll do it for you. But for Pete’s sake, give me more than one!”

I agree!

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it.

The doctor says to him, “Well, it must be your diet. What sort of greens do you eat?”

The man replies, “Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods.”

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, “Well man, that’s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up!!”

The guy says, “But for how long? I mean I really like peas!”

The doctor replies, “Forever, I’m afraid.”

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he’s at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed, and one of the reps says, “Well, ashully, I’d love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up.”

Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, “Really, I haven’t had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!”

The businessman says, “Thas nuvving, I haven’t ad a pea in 6 years.”

The barman jumps up screaming, “Okay, everyone who can’t swim, grab a table…”

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.

The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc.

When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts.

At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them……….”Moosellaneous”

Popping through the veil to make an impression!

That is so sad.

Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.

Louisiana Law 

Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.” 

And water, don’t forget the water.

KIDS’ KITCHEN TERMS 

BOIL: 
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted. 

CASSEROLE: 
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together. 

DESSERT: 
The reason for eating a meal. 

EVAPORATE: 
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes. 

FRUIT: 
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert 

REFRIGERATOR: 
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery. 

SODA POP: 
Shake ‘N Spray. 

TABLE LEG: 
Percussion instrument. 

So very, very true.

This is a tremendous bit of Orange…or…um…art work!

A young  man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. “I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” 

“Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.” 

“Yes, and it’s lucky you have,” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.” 

I LOVE the eyes on the cow!

Rules: 

 1. If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 

 2. If you don’t like the answer, you should not have asked the question. 

 3. When all else fails, read the instructions. 

 4. When in 
     a.  doubt – mumble 
     b.  trouble – delegate 
     c.  charge – ponder 

 5. When the weight of the paperwork, equals the weight of the equipment, the equipment will work 

 6. After adding two weeks for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected unexpected delays 

 7. It does not matter if you fall down, as long as you pick up something from the floor when you get up 

 8. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

 9. There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it twice 

10. It works better if you plug it in 

11. Only Robinson Crusoe had every thing done by Friday 

12. Never admit anything.   Never regret anything.   Whatever it is, you are not responsible 

I picture the conversation going like this:

Supervisor:  Go put soap in the soap dispenser.

Worker:  But we’re out of …

Supervisor:  Don’t give me excuses, just get it done!

Worker:  Okay, boss.  [mumbles under his breath] jackass…

And this one probably went along the same lines…”but we’re out of all the tags except…”

An American was knocked unconscious in a serious accident while traveling in Australia. 

The ambulance took him to a local hospital for treatment. 

While he finally woke up he asked the nurse, “Was I brought here to die?” 

“No,” said the nurse. “You were brought in here yesterday.” 

Oh please!  Don’t give the “Flat Earthers” more ammunition!

Yeah, I looked.  I couldn’t find it.  I did all kinds of deep dives on it.  Even called some friends I have.  Hang on, someone’s at the door.

 

…

 

Funny, I didn’t order anything from Ama-Zone…what the heck is Ama-Zone?  And besides, the mail has already been deliv

 

 

 

 

 

What?  You don’t think I’m bright enough to put two and two together and leave out the escape tunnel as SOON as there was someone at the door?

Anyway, where were we?  Oh yeah…

A bit over done, but it is funny

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. 

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. 

The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. 

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem,the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. 

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.” 

Um….?   No, never mind.

Yeah, probably from someone’s point of view.

I wish I could use Google to search for things in my house.

You know, I’m a HUGE FAN of Vanilla, Fruit Punch, and Blue Razzberry, Vodka comes to mind…

But not hot dogs!!!

Never be a prisoner of your own past.

It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.

That would be an excellent total for most any woman.

I’ve seen this or similar pictures like this one before and I’m always stunned when I do.  The human race is doomed.

With today being President’s Day, and you’ll notice that I left that out, up till now, let’s start with that theme here…

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “Do you know what today is?”

Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s President’s Day!”

She’s so smart, so I asked her, “What does President’s Day mean?”

She replied, “President’s Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull crap.”

You know, it really hurts when steaming hot coffee spurts straight out of your nose.

If I know someone with dementia that has nuclear weapons, should I report him under the Red Flag Law?

With war breaking out in the Middle East, it’s good to know we have a full strategic oil reserve in case fuel becomes an issue…oh wait…My mistake, Biden drained it so he could (artificially) lower gas prices for the midterms.
Carry on.

John Rich

Okay, let’s switch themes

And now we have people who have SO MUCH more to be grateful to this country for, who won’t even stand!

AND THEN YOU’VE GOT THIS TRAITOROUS WITCH!

Okay, let’s move on before I really get upset!  And I’m trying so hard not to.  One more just because it’s for us older folks and because it’s SO FUNNY!

I gotta go with the Captain on this one!

Yeah, that’s just really poor sign placement.

Everybody’s talking about hijacking a UFO, but they can’t even drive a stick-shift!

Okay, I have overdrawn my account before, but this…this is pure artform!

Wow!  Just….Wow!

I just flew in from a Ravioli convention…

-Boyardees arms tired.

The best I could do was 210 sq ft of light brown.  I was only able to get 75 feet of medium and 87 1/4 feet of the dark.  Even together it doesn’t come up to the 200 they were looking for.

Has anyone else turned on the wrong burner and cooked absolutely nothing for 20 minutes?

Not only that, but when I was done cooking, I’ve shut off the wrong burner and come back an hour later and found one lone burner running all by it’s lonesome heating up the kitchen…or just failed to shut it off completely.  Carried the pot over to the sink or something and just … forgot about the burner.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!!  
Seriously?
Know your workout equipment!

I won $2.00 in the Mega Millions lottery.  Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

Is there a word that uses all the vowels including Y?

UNQUESTIONABLY.

Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee.  But, I like being able to remember things like how to use words and put on pants.

Humble enough to know I’m replaceable.  Cocky enough to know it’s going to be a downgrade.

I overheard a lady saying she won’t let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like “jumping in puddles”.  I watched Road Runner as a kid and haven’t blown anyone up with dynamite – yet.

And with that idea planted firmly in everybody’s head, that’s where we’re going to call it quits for this exciting episode of Dragon Laffs.  Thanks for being here with me.  May God Bless you all until we meet again.

It’s Friday!  Well, it’s Saturday for you, but for me, right now, it’s Friday!  And because it’s a holiday on Monday, today is a “Family Day” and it’s a Liberal Leave day, which means that we can take leave and not worry too much about staffing in our offices.  Which is a good thing because my deputy…the only other guy in my office right now because we’re STILL trying to get the third position hired (don’t let me get on THAT soap box!!!) is away on the “dark side” right now.  So, it’s just me in the office.  So I took the day off!

Yay!

And Izzy Dragon immediately filled my day up!

After I had it all neatly planned out.  Spend the day with you guys and writing and relaxing…sigh.

But now I’m still going to do some of that.  But it seems I’m also going to go to the hospital to get blood work done for both of us, which means I’m now fasting.  I’m also taking her out to breakfast/lunch immediately afterward because … you know … fasting.  And possibly lunch because that young dragon will never get up early.  And I’m taking her shopping.  And I’m taking her to her counseling appointment.  And then I can get back to what I had planned.  About 6 this evening.  It’s such a good thing I love that kid.

Anyway, let’s jump in and start with some laughter and we’ll get to other stuff as we go along.

Just please don’t tell me it’s outside of a school or a library or something like that.

Maybe some letter separation or a different font?

I think maybe they’re asking for a lot here…

So, Stephen B. sent me this email, and I followed the link and it says pretty much what he has in the email.  The only thing that I wish to add is that it just goes to prove that the our country is going crazy.  It plays right into the essay (article? pamphlet? book? sermon? movie?) that I am writing (more about that later).  We are becoming such a stupid country.

Apparently this happened in 2019….

https://www.iwf.org/2019/10/03/urinals-banned-as-sexist/

Has the time come to stand up for the urinal?

Portland, Oregon is spending $195,000 to replace urinals with something more gender-neutral in remodeling the Portland Building. This is just for the replacements, and doesn’t include the cost of the work.

A local TV station reports:

In an email to employees last February, Chief Administrative Officer Tom Rinehart wrote:

“We will continue to have gender-specific (male and female) multi-stall restrooms that are readily available to any employee that prefers to use one. But, there will be no urinals in any restroom in the building. This will give us the flexibility we need for any future changes in signage.”

The city has redesigned all the bathrooms to be gender neutral– which means urinals are banned even in the men’s room.

If you think that Portland is going to a lot of expense and trouble to rid the building of urinals, the report helpfully points out that urinals are “a big deal when it comes to those who are transgender or gender fluid.”

Talk show host Lars Larson is standing up for the urinal:

“I think it’s ridiculous. First of all I know that it already makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Secondly, it’s gonna take up a lot more space and third- anyone whose ever been to any public event – have you seen the line at the ladies room? Do you see any line at the men’s room?”

Lars also claims that urinals use less water than toilets.

But the city administration stands behind the new arrangement:

The Chief Administrative Officer Tom Rinehart wrote to employees:

“I am convinced that this is the right way to ensure success as your employer, remove arbitrary barriers in our community, and provide leadership that is reflective of our shared values.”

The TV station reports that the Portland Building’s 1st, 3rd and 15th floors will have “large multi-stall bathrooms that men and women will use together.”

Some floors will have separate men’s and women’s bathrooms, while every floor will have at least one “any gender” bathroom.

I can see this being quite confusing if you’re in a hurry and forget which is which.

If I lived in the separate country of Portland and they were spending MY tax dollars on something as asinine as this, I’d be a little upset.  Thanks Steve for sending this our way.

True Love

Boyfriend: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Robert. I don’t have a mansion like Gary. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.”

Girlfriend: “Oh dear, I love you too… what was that you said about Martin?”

This was sent to me a couple different times under the heading of “Riddle”.  It annoyed me to NO END.

There are 30 cows in the field, 28 chickens. How many didn’t?

How many didn’t what?  It’s stupid, right?

I’m sure a bunch of you got sent this as well, right?  By a show of hands, how many of you got sent this supposed riddle?

Okay, now.  How many of you were able to figure out this stupid thing?

Oh…

That many, huh…

Wait!  How many were able to figure it out, WITHOUT going on line and searching or having someone else tell you the answer or something like that?!  Be honest!

Yeah.  That’s more like it.

I had to google it.  Then got mad when I found out the answer.

Stupid riddle.

WE ARE DOOMED.

Another one sent to me that is just cool

What the heck?

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. 

Billy Crystal (1948-)

I couldn’t possibly find enough stupidity memes to satisfy my utter contempt and disbelief for that last … whatever it was.  Coffee is racist.  Oh     my     heavens!  I have to let this go…

Father says to his son 

You are mature enough now. I allow you to start smoking if you want to.

Thanks dad, but I quit two years ago.

I think I dated this guy’s sister once.  Oh, come on!  She was cute!

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Mandy, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: “Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.” 

“Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear” 

“Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?” 

“Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.” 

“That’s right. Over and out.” 

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. “Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.” 

“Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.” 

“OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?” 

“Yes, when we’ve landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.” 

“That’s right, Pig 2. Over and out.” 

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again. “Houston here, Mandy, come in. Mandy do you read us?” 

“Mandy here, reading you loud and clear.” 

“Mandy, do you remember your instructions?” 

“Yes,” Mandy says, “I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off the buttons.” 

Wow!  Classic power struggle!  Somebody PLEASE, just pay the check!

I never noticed before how the reflection is so different.

Um…I have questions?

Anyway, you guys remember this picture?

I had made the comment that I thought it was cool and wondered where and what it was at.  CJ wrote back and told me it was a mora plant.  When it translates to English…are you ready for this…it’s a blackberry or mulberry fruit!  Yeah, not in MY backyard!  LOL! That’s not at all really what it is, though.  Just what the word translates to.  From Wikipedia:

Mora is a genus of large trees in the subfamily Caesalpinioideae^[2] of the legume family Fabaceae, (or in some classifications the family Caesalpinaceae of the order Fabales).

There are six species, all native to lowland rainforests in northern South America, southern Central America, the southern Caribbean islands, and Hispaniola.^[1] These are large, heavily buttressed rainforest trees up to 130 feet (40 meters) in height (to 190 feet (58 meters) in the case of M. excelsa ).^[3] The genus is particularly noteworthy for the exceptional size of its beans, which are commonly acknowledged to be the largest known dicot seeds, in the instance of M. oleifera being up to seven inches (18 cm) in length, six inches (15 cm) in breadth and three inches (7.6 cm)in thickness,^[4][5] and a weight of up to 2.2 pounds (1,000 grams).^[6] These very large beans develop out of tiny flowers with a pistel only one millimeter wide ^[7] involving a growth of over 2,000,000 fold. The beans of Mora spp. are edible if boiled, and are also the source of a red dyestuff.^[8] The species M. excelsa is one of the few rainforest trees to grow in pure stands.^[9]

Some of the species are important for timber production. Mora excelsa and Mora gonggrijpii are also known as nato, and are commonly used in guitar body and neck construction.

When a church changes their values to match current culture, they’re no longer following the Bible, they’re following the lost.

Why should we want to laugh at the natives and why shouldn’t we laugh at the natives?

That’s pretty specific.  Is there a reason or is it purely sarcasm?

“You heard me!  Just no!”

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside: The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” 

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” 

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” 

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.” 

Well, it’s not surprising when you realize it’s CNN.

Got a really nice comment from Evan to share with you guys…

That’s a pretty good point, actually.

SUNDAY SCHOOL STUDENT BLOOPERS 

FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT 


In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree. 

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. 

Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears. 

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. 

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. 

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles. 

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. 

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. 

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. 

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. 

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him 

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times. 

Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 


FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT 

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. 

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. 

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before- they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.” 

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. 

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. 

The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. 

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 

I laughed SO hard!

Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer 


10. You have to pedal it. 

9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud “burp” follows. 

8. Lower corner of the screen has the words “Etch a Sketch” on it. 

7. The manual contains one sentence: “Good Luck!” 

6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito. 

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.

4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk. 

3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board. 

2. There’s a “AA Batteries Not Included” sticker on the front.

And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer…

1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur. 

What a day!  When I last left you, it was like 1130 in the morning, it is now going on 10 at night!  I did end up taking Izzy dragon to all the places I told you I was going to take her and in the midst of all that, it started to snow

and snow

and snow.

Not real heavy or anything, but just continuous.  And the roads froze over.  And people have no idea how to drive on slick roads.  We finally got done with everything around 5:15 and what would normally have been about a 30 minute drive home took almost 3 times that.  There were about a dozen slide offs that we saw and one really gnarly wreck with an inverted car that really slowed down and backed up traffic for miles and miles on the highway.  And sure enough we didn’t see the backup until after we had passed the last exit before the backup.  Izzy pointed out one really weird fact, with the exception of one vehicle, all the other vehicles involved in all the slide offs and wrecks were all white.  It was so weird.  But the highway was an ice rink.  All I kept doing all the way home was praying and talking to God.  But, He got us home safe and sound.

Then we had to take the dogs out and they were just plain stupid, that took another half hour just to get them out, fed, clean up the snow that they tracked in, all that nonsense.

Then I get ready to sit down to finish Dragon Laffs with you guys and what happens?  The Holy Spirit says, “Hey, I been thinking about that article and I think we oughta…” 

And Impish replies, “Sure, sure.  Let me just finish what I’m working on over here.”

The Spirit says, “Yeah, yeah, no problem.  But hear me out for a sec.  If you change the paragraph that says…”

And then he wouldn’t quit.

Two hours plus later and I’m finally getting back to you guys.  So, let’s be…

That one cracks me up, especially with what we know about Boeing’s hiring practices.

I keep reading this stupid stuff and I keep thinking, “this has to be satire, right?  … right?”

Okay, that’s it for this issue, because that’s almost all I have under the Political folder.  I’m sending out an urgent request campers… I need political memes and jokes and cartoons and funnies!  HELP!

This is an old joke, but still quite good and perhaps, very timely as well.

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. 

One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East.

To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: “Once my people were many, now we are few.”

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, “That’s ’cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet.”

I wish, at this time, to make a Dragon Laffs Public Apology.  It has come to my attention that a term that I have been using, to whit, “TOWEL HEADS” is not only politically incorrect but also insensitive.  And since we all need to be more sensitive in the use of our words and I have been informed that the scum sucking Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us all, do not like to be called “TOWEL HEADS” and since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, more closely reminiscent of a small folded sheet.  Therefore, from this point forward, I am, and I am highly encouraging you to also, referring to them as “LITTLE SHEET HEADS”.  Thank you so very much for your support and acceptance of my apology in this hugely humbling matter.

Taco Bell will do that to  you.

Doctor: “Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.”

Man: “Exactly what’s my problem, doc?”

Doctor: “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Kansas Law

It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.

President George W. and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old Town Square in Prague.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”

The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”

Bush says, “We’re planning WW III.”

The guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.”

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?”

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis.”

Holy cow!  Someone put his back half on upside down!

The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services.

About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.

Mike was apologetic. “I’m collecting for the roof, Father,” he said. “Every one of the neighbors I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription.”

The priest was shocked. “Are there no teetotalers in the parish, Mike?”

“Oh, yes, to be sure,” said Mike. ” I’ve written to them.”

Boy, “roughing it” sure doesn’t mean what it used to.

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.” 

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?” 

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!” 

After a very long day of listening to a visiting businessman from Texas brag about his state a New Yorker decided to show the guy the Empire State Building.

When the Texan then put down New York’s well-known landmark by saying “Heck, that’s nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!”

The New Yorker responded with, “Well you no doubt need them!”

More proof that some people have more money then sense.

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector.

Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

“You’ve been on for five miles–that’ll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase.”

The Scotsman responds, “I ha’not, I want a ha’penny fare, just got on this vera moment.”

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman’s suitcase and hurls it out of the bus.

It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, “Not only are ye tryin’ to overcharge me for the ticket–but now ye’ve gone an’ drowned me boy Angus!”

Sigh!  I repeat my earlier statement.

Anyway dear friends, that’s it for this one.  Didn’t get to everything I wanted to get to, but with a little luck and a fair wind, we’ll see to it this weekend.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.

Okay, so here’s the deal.  It’s Tuesday and my week is already spiraling out of control.  It’s late already today and I have to work, of course, I have jail ministry tomorrow night and Bible Study on Thursday night and I can’t see how this is going to get done by tomorrow night for you guys to get it by Thursday morning.  So, what I am going to do is get as much fluff out tonight in the next hour or so so you have something for Thursday morning and then have a regular issue on Saturday.  

Someone mentioned that they are looking forward to reading my essay…well, see, that’s part of the problem.  The Holy Spirit won’t leave me alone.  I’m now on like the 4th draft.  I never do four drafts.  By this time I’m polishing and posting somewhere or getting ready to send it to a publisher or something.  But, I sent the first draft to my Pastor and he suggested a scripture.  A …. scripture…. which pushed me to the next draft and then we had a phone call the next night and he suggested a book.  I told him there wasn’t a book there.  And the Spirit said, “hold my coffee and watch this!”  And that’s where the third and fourth draft has come from.  And today, I thought I was done.  

Sitting here writing to you guys ABOUT the piece is making me THINK about the piece and I’m coming up with other points I want to MAKE IN the piece and I know there is at least a fifth draft… so now I’m at least up to …what?  A pamphlet?  A booklet?  Instruction guide, handbook.  I DON’T KNOW. 

But it has been occupying a lot of my time.  And I’m really sorry.  I don’t mean to take time away from you guys, but I can’t help it.  But for now, 

Stephen B. sent this one in.  I agree with him.  I didn’t watch much of the Super bowl either.

I did not think much of the super bowl commercials but the one with Christopher Walken was great, especially his facial expression when he was walking his dog.

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery. 

“You’ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. 

He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away.” 

The desk sergeant said, “Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?”

“What’s the difference?” asked the jeweler. “Well,” said the sergeant, “an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears.” 

“Come to think of it, I couldn’t see his ears,” said the jeweler. “He had a stocking over his head.” 

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: 

General Practitioners know nothing and do little. 

Surgeons know little and do everything. 

Internists knows everything and do nothing. 

Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.

Looks right to me.

This is an old one…but funny!

Lil’ Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. 

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Pop, why are you doing that?” 

“Because I’m buying horses. I have to make sure they are healthy, and in good shape before I buy.” 

Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we’d better hurry home right away.” 

“Why?”, asked his father. 

“Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he definitely wants to buy Mom.”

This one was sent in by Joe and it’s absolutely amazing.  Please share it with as many people as you can…

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does love mean?’ The answers they got were broader, deeper, and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined!

‘When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore… So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’ Rebecca – age 8
‘When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’ Billy – age 4
‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’ Karl – age 5

‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’ Chrissy – age 6
‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’ Terri – age 4
‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.’ Danny – age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.’ Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)
‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.’ Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.’ Noelle – age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’ Tommy – age 6
‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’ Cindy – age 8
‘My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’ Clare – age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’ Elaine – age 5
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’ Chris – age 7
‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’ Mary Ann – age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’ Lauren – age 4
‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ Karen – age 7
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross…’ Mark – age 6
‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’ Jessica – age 8

And the final one: The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry.’  I needed one of those.  It would have been a lot easier.

Yes indeed!

Seven Stages of the Married Cold 

Stage 1: Sugar Dumpling, I’ve really been worried about my baby girl. That’s a bad sniffle, and there’s no telling about these things with all the strep that’s going around. I’m going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food’s terrible, but I’m going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini’s. I have it all arranged with the floor supervisor. 

Stage 2: Listen, Darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’m going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for Papa. 

Stage 3: Maybe you’d better lie down, Honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I’ll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup? 

Stage 4: Now look, Dear, be sensible. After you’ve fed the kids, and gotten the dishes done, and the floor mopped, you’d better lie down for a while. 

Stage 5: Why don’t you take a couple of aspirins? 

Stage 6: Why don’t you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening? 

Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me? Are you trying to give me pneumonia? 

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.  He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.  “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. 

“At this fantastic new bar,” he says.  “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.  It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works hell, even the urinal’s gold!” 

The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.  She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. 

“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. 

“Yes it is,” bartender answers. 

“Do you have huge golden doors?” 

“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” 

“Most certainly do.” 

“What about golden urinals?” 

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!” 

Top 5 reasons why computers must be female

1. No one but their creator understands their logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Top 5 reasons why computers must be male

1. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
2. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.
3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.
4. They’re typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they’ve already invested so much in the damn machine that they’re compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
5. They get hot when you turn them on, and that’s the only time you have their attention.

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. 

When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. 

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. 

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. 

He came in after another 5 minutes and said “honey my hands are cold again.” 

So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. 

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “Honey  my hands are cold again.” 

She then said, “Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?” 

And that’s it.  I gotta end this here.  I’m out of time and strength.  Until Saturday.  Be blessed, be happy,