Well, its still Saturday and I just finished Monday’s episode and knowing the way the week is going to go, I thought t’would be best I begin Today’s endeavor anon. 
T’would? 
T’wood? 
2wood?
AlsoWood? 
AlsoTree?
AnotherTree?
Two Trees?
A Forest?
I thought a forest be best I begin….that doesn’t work at all!!! 
What in the world is going on here?!?!
I think I broke my brain. 
So….
No!  No needles, no thread!
Moving on!

I’ve gotten some very nice comments.  Let’s look at a couple of them, shall we?
We shall!
Open the Shally Port!
(Oh dear, Impish is broken!)

Let’s start with the oldest one first…

I can remember when that film came out in 1971.  I was 12 or 13 years old when I first saw it and I can remember thinking, very specifically remember thinking, that little girl is going to get spanked by her parents.  And then I was actually disappointed in Hollywood when she wasn’t.  I thought they were trying to portray how a child becomes a spoiled brat, by NOT being properly punished and that SOMEBODY needed to give her a good whack on the bottom.  And it’s funny that I can still remember that now.

I’m not exactly sure where this picture came from, whether this is the one that a buddy sent me of his son/grandson or it’s one that I got from one of you guys and truthfully, it doesn’t really matter.  What matters is that it is absolutely ADORABLE!!

If she says she’s crazy, she’s probably harmless.  The real crazy ones never give you a single clue.

I hate it when people ask me, “Are you a dog or a cat person?”
I will pet a crocodile if I know the little sucker won’t bite me.

Okay, I was gonna throw the BS flag on this one…

But then I thought…it just might be…so after a quick search on line, this is what I found:

Butt (unit)

So, in one little article we see that the butt, the hogshead, the pipe, and the tun are all units of measure not to be confused with the imperial gallon, the US gallon, the litre, or the liter.  Sure!  It’s all perfectly clear to me now, thanks.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt Collectors are the worst.

This issue of Dragon Laffs is AMAZING!

When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend I need something and say, “Excuse me, do you work here?” just to help keep things real.

FINALLY found a reasonably priced mechanic who I actually trusted and now I have to find a new one. 
Sat outside his garage ready for war since 7:30am waiting for him to arrive at 8 because there’s been a banging in the car since he fitted shocks on my car 2 weeks ago.  After 10 minutes he handed me a can of Heinz beef broth that had been rattling around in the trunk.  He even took a photo of it which is bound to end up on his website.  If he names me I’m selling my house and leaving the country.  Bye.

Having had seven of those bad boys, I gotta say, that’s one heck of a way to pass!

I will never get the hang of gardening.
Steak is beef, but beefsteak is tomato.
And garden stakes hold plants up.
Tomatoes are grown in cages, but eggs are cage free.
Cabbages and lettuce have heads.
Corn has ears.
Potatoes have eyes.
Beanstalk.
Summer squashes but Winter peas.
Good gourd! It makes me want to wet my plants and soil myself!

Yes, it can!  You have been warned!

More trees from the Dragon Forest.

The problem with being an Uber Driver, is that there are times you show up and your fare has disappeared.

That is absolutely ingenious advertising. 

I was abducted by aliens.  They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. 

Turns out I was on the mothership.

This one is sent by our own dear Leah…

Small businesses need your help and this is one way to help ourselves too. Pull small draws of cash out at a time and use that instead of tap, credit, etc.

When this is put into perspective, imagine what each retailer is paying on a monthly basis in fees at 3% per transaction through their POS machine.

If they have, for example, $50,000 in sales & 90% are by Card, they are paying $1500 in fees in ONE Month. $18,000 in a year! That comes out of their income every month.

That would go a long way to helping that small business provide for its family!

Once Ishwarchandra Vidyasagar, Bengali poet and scholar, jokingly asked Michael Madhusudhan Dutt, an Anglophile poet of great repute, “As you are a Master in English, can you make a sentence without using a single ‘E’?”

Dutt, the genius, wrote this:
“I doubt I can.  It’s a major part of many, many words.  Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour.  It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap.  And, anyway, what would I gain?  An award?  A cash bonus?  Bragging rights?  Why should I strain my brain?  It’s not worth it.”

Absolutely brilliant!

I overheard a lady saying she won’t let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like “jumping in puddles”.  I watched Road Runner as a kid and I haven’t blown anyone up with dynamite … yet.

Why English is Hard to Learn

We’ll begin with box; the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is goose, and two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose is never called meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a house full of mice;
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
The plural of man is always men,
But the plural of pan is never pen.

If I speak of a foot, and you show me two feet,
And I give you a book, would a pair be a beek?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t two booths be called beeth?

If the singular’s this and the plural is these,
Should the plural of kiss be ever called keese?

We speak of a brother and also of brethren.
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him;
But imagine the feminine…she, shis, and shim!

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey…a deal’s a deal.

Why is it that no one is ever the right amount of whelmed?

What if, when you forget what you were going to say, it’s the author back spacing?

My mom kept trying to cheat at Scrabble, but I wooden letter.

That’s not what we call it…

My dog would throw a fit!!!

Awww, and it even comes with little play cigarettes.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night.  I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back.
Why were the lemons free?  Is something wrong with the lemons?  Are the lemons haunted?
Be suspicious of the lemons.

A LOT of you are not going to get that one.  That was old when I was young.  Okay, maybe not THAT bad.  Says it was released in 1972…only 51 years ago…HOLY CRAP!!!  That was 51 years ago.  Half a freakin’ century ago!

[Sky-diving]
Instructor:  Pull your chute!
Me:  My shoe?
Instructor:  Your parachute!
Me:  My pair of shoes?
[later]
Coroner:  Where’s his shoes?

Me:  I’m thinking about taking a trip.
Bank Account:  I highly suggest that trip be to work.

His moustache.

McDonalds called out order 867 and I yelled 5309.
Nobody laughed.
Then I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

My wife went to bed early and the dogs and I are not sure who’s in charge now.

I’m not sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque.  “Pastor, what is this?”

The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?”

Nutritionist:  You should eat 1200 calories a day.

Me:  Okay, and how many at night?

And that is it my friends.  I hope you got as much enjoyment out of this one as I did.  May God Bless you and keep you until next time.

Good Morning Campers, 

I’d like to start out by saying that tomorrow, Saturday, which is two days ago for you guys, would have been Mary and my 28th anniversary, so I’d like to take this opportunity to wish my dear departed wife a happy anniversary.  I miss you terribly but I know that you are in a much better place than we are and I envy you for that.  I KNOW you are happy and cherished and that’s all I need to know for me to be content.  As for the rest of you, thank you for giving me the opportunity to share that with you, the rest of my family and dear friends.  Now, on to the rest of the show.

Having raised three 4th graders, I can certainly understand the sentiment, but putting it on a sign is a bit over-the-top and gets the whole “premeditated” thing thrown around.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers…

She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me!

There we go picking on  kids again.

What were they used for?  How used are they?

Okay, you remember the Mexican Word of the Day Memes?  Well, here’s a whole website full of them.  31 of them to be exact.  Sent in by our own dear Stephanie.  Go ahead and click the link, it’s fun!  https://theawesomedaily.com/31-mexican-word-of-the-day-memes/

How do you spell garage?  Well, like Dodge, but with a G R…

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

– Two Italian men and one Italian woman
– Two French men and one French woman
– Two German men and one German woman
– Two Greek men and one Greek woman
– Two English men and one English woman
– Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
– Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
– Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
– Two Irish men and one Irish woman
– Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/ laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun   

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin’ nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a “hot rock massage”, and go shopping…

And you’ll only get THAT one if you’re a certain age.

I read books, I drink…or um…eat chocolate chip cookies and I know things.

Hillbilly Moms Letter

Dear Son, I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ’em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Mom

P.S. – I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.

John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.

Bill says, “Hey John, whats wrong?”

John says, “I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said ‘Black Tie’ only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!”

Does that mean that it puts MORE grass down?

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Inland Revenue and write on the envelope, ” Now you have everything.'”

I was definitely told that the bus stopped here.

Okay, this one is hilarious!  Stephanie sent this one, too.  When asked the A.I. What Europeans think that Americans from each of the different U.S. states looked like…this is the pictures that came up.  You have GOT to click on this link!  https://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/european-ai-american-list?utm_source=dynamic&utm_campaign=bfshareemail

A WHISPER – It is best to whisper!!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied, in a loud voice, “NO, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man’s table and said with a laugh: 

• “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?”

The man responded in a loud voice: 

• “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ….. I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: “I study law, and I know how to screw people”.

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. 

Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. 

“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!” 

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. 

“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly. 

“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.” 

“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely. 

“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued. “You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.” 

“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree… 
…and then I paint the target around it.” 

Puny Words 

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower 

Pharmacist: A helper on the farm. 

Polarize: What penguins see with. 

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. 

Relief:  What trees do in the spring. 

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife. 

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. 

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. 

A Marine fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital. 

His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister.   

Anything that touched his legs caused agony.  

The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room.  

The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. 

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?” 

The Chief replied, “It’ll keep the sheet off his legs.” 

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. 

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. 

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives. 

Sue says “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?” 

Sally replies “It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M.” 

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.” 

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.” 

As a military Vet who has served two tours in Afghanistan, and I’m still on active duty (though I’m now stationed locally in the US).  I don’t expect special treatment from civilians fro my service, but I do know that many stores offer discounts to active military personnel and so I usually ask cashiers if they offer the discount.  Today, I encountered someone really rude when I asked — and it wasn’t the cashier.  I had to say something.
Me:  Do you offer military discount?
Cashier:  No sir, we don’t.
Lady in line behind me:  Rude…
[Cashier and I stare blankly at her]
Lady:  All of you think you’re entitled because you’re in the military and deserve special privileges.  My God…
Me:  No ma’am.  It’s a discount, not a privilege.  A privilege is being able to go home to your family every night while living in a free country because some people willingly give up their “privileges” so people like you can have them.
Lady: …………………
Me:  [Turns to the Cashier] Sorry if asking for a discount offended YOU.
Man at the back of the line:  Here’s your military discount. [Pays for my meal]
Man’s Wife:  You deserve it…for having to put up with [EXPLITIVE]’s like her.
Honestly?  Made my night…
Feel free to share!
I just did brother!
Privileged!  I will tell you that it is a privilege to serve my country and to protect people like them, maybe not so much the lady in line behind him, although people like her come as part of the package deal.  You get the good and the bad.  We are privileged, but not like you think.  Well, not like she thinks.  Too much time away from home, away from family, away from loved ones.  I figured it out, that I missed Izzy’s 2nd through 7th or 8th birthday.  It just so happened that I got sent TDY every year that same time.  That poor girl thought I was leaving on purpose.  “Is Daddy gonna be here for my birthday THIS year?”  Yup, privileged.  But that 9th birthday when I was actually there!!  Her smile could’ve lit up all of downtown.  And you don’t even want to talk about the Christmases and Thanksgivings and … well, you get the idea.  And that’s just a tiny piece of the puzzle.  We won’t talk about the crappy pay, the long hours, the horrible working conditions, the whole, you know, being shot at.  Yeah, we are SO privileged.  

Of course we know now that the Secret Service and the FBI were unable to get any DNA or fingerprint evidence off of it at all.  Hmm, well, boys and girls can you say, “Cover up?”

The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.

Father Mouse jumped and said, “Bow-wow!”

The cat ran away.

“What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse.

“Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”

Mary and I were working for Little Caesars when this promotion came out.  As a matter of fact, Little Caesars is where Mary and I met.  Bitter Sweet.  And here I am, writing this on what would have been our 28th anniversary.  (Yes, it’s now Saturday)  It was 6 Baby Pans put together on one long box.

And in a quick throwback to Saturday’s issue.  You guys remember this old ad that I showed you on Saturday: 

Well, I got a very nice email from Friggin’ Pete about that particular ad.  It is really quite interesting.  And I’m sharing it with you guys.

 

Thanks Pete!  And it just goes to show you that we have the smartest readers of any website anywhere!

That is a pretty cool gargoyle.  

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all the aspects of their future.

“What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Hell, probably the same thing.”

Sure, you guessed it…it’s a roll-on anti-perspirant.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. 

“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively. 

“Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”

THE SITUATION

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent – without exception – forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities.

This experiment raised several questions: 


* In a common-place environment, at an inconvenient or inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
* If so, do we stop to appreciate it?
* Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?


One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made — how many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

Puns from an unexpected source.  It’s not usually Joe who sends us puns, but today it  is…

PUNS INTENDED 

1.  Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. 

2.  Practice safe eating – always use condiments. 

3.  Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery. 

4.  A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 

5.  When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination. 

6.  Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 

7.  Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

8.  Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana. 

9.  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

10.  A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 

11.  You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it. 

12.  Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. 

13.  Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under. 

14.  Banning the bra was a big flop. 

15.  A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. 

16.  A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 

17.  Shotgun wedding, a case of wife or death. 

18.  A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired. 

19.  What’s the definition of a will?  (Come on, It’s a dead giveaway!) 

20.  I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. 

21.  If electricity comes from electrons…  does that mean that morality comes from morons? 

22.  A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

23.  Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 

24.  Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? 

25.  Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 

26.  Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. 

27.  A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. 

28.  A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. 

29.  Without geometry, life is pointless. 

30.  Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. 

31.  Dijon vu – the same mustard as before. 

32.  When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. 

33.  A backward poet writes inverse. 

34.  In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes. 

35.  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

36.  If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. 

37.  With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

38.  Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor. 

39.  When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 

40.  The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 

41.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. 

42.  He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key. 

43.  Every calendar’s days are numbered. 

44.  A lot of money is tainted.  It ain’t yours and it ain’t mine. 

45.  He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 

46.  A plateau is a high form of flattery. 

47.  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

48.  Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall. 

49.  When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye. 

50.  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 

51.  Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. 

52.  Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

53.  The poor guy fell into a glass-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. 

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer’s

She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me!

A dog teaches a boy three very important things in life. Love, Responsibility and To spin around 3 times before laying down.

In case you were wondering, that is a fire extinguisher with the end knocked off when it hit the ground.  It then becomes a torpedo.  The same thing happens with compressed gas cylinders…but they are a lot bigger and deadlier.  

This is from Joe in NJ.  The Lambeth Walk.  A short propaganda film that outraged Adolf Hitler.  Joe writes: 

Edited from a German film that was pro Nazi. It was shown as a news reel clip in almost every US theater.

Three University students dodged exam because they did not study They came up with a plan, got themselves dirty using grease, then went to see the Lecturer” Sir we are sorry we couldn’t make it to the exam. We attended a wedding and on our way back the car broke down and we became so dirty as you can see”. The Lecturer understood and gave them three days to prepare. After three days, they went to the Lecturer very ready for the exam because they had studied. The Lecturer decided to put them in three separate classes with only four questions in the exam paper as follows: 1. Who got married? (25 marks) 2. Where was the reception held? (25mks) 3. Where exactly did the car break down? (25mks) 4.What type of car broke down? (25mks)

And that is it for today my friends.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until next we meet.

And just like that! [snapping of the fingers or talons if you are a dragon] we are passed the big issue number 2200 and now we have another ninety-nine to go before we reach another milestone.  Although, I suppose one could make a case for 2250 or even 2222…ahhh, the loveliness of numbers.  Aren’t they all just so…um…lovely.

Okay, so if it isn’t obvious, I’m reaching for something to start the conversation off with.  I shut my cable TV off because the only thing I was watching was the news and I was getting sick and tired of paying $136 a month for depression.  Izzy found us the Paramount + app for the TV which gets us all the shows we were slightly interested in watching for $4.99 a month and we end up saving $131 a month.  And no, I don’t miss it at all.  I read most of the time anyway.  The only thing I think I’m going to miss is NFL football this fall, but I can live without that.

So, let’s get started on the fun part of this and then we’ll move on to other stuff as the show goes on.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? 
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter. 
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father. 
B: I’m not. I’m her mother 

Boy, ain’t that the truth.  And the reason we have “dudes like that” is because some parent some where didn’t get their butt beat enough when THEY were a kid.

At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake’s edge and yelled through his megaphone, “Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up.” Several minutes passed, but the boat didn’t return. “Boat number 99,” he again hollered, “return to the dock immediately or I’ll have to charge you overtime.” 

“Something is wrong here, boss,” his assistant said. “We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.” 

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega- phone: “Boat number 66,” he yelled. “Are you having trouble out there?”

Amen!  The only one you need fear is God!  And when you do, you will fear no one else.

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” 

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camels”. Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Pakistani man replied, “Just try dem on, Saiheeb.” 

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years – raw sexual power. 

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani’s thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, “YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!” 

“Who put this miserable highway where my home used to be?!  You leave for a few hundred years to visit relatives and when you come back, everything is changed!  HOW DARE THEY!!!”

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. 

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. 

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he’s looking for. He looks up and says, “I’m afraid this is serious. We’ll have to operate!” 

“Operate?”, exclaims the fellow, “Why, Doc? What’s the problem?” 

“Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You’ve developed the same sort of thing. You’ve got a brothel sprout.”

No, I can’t do Snap Chat, or Tik Tok, but I can write in cursive, do math without a calculator, drive a stick shift, and tell time on a clock with hands.

Nah!  For a dumbass who breaks into the house, I don’t need to call 911, I need to call 811.
811?  Why do you need to call 811, Impish?
‘Cause I’m gonna need to know where I can dig.

Without Freedom of Speech, we would not know who the idiots are.

“Father, you need to kill him!”

I’ve never been sky diving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really fast.

I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to a guy who was in The Mamas & The Papas.

All the sleeves are brown, and the tie is grey.

Before you ask why someone hates you, ask yourself why you even care.

I’d like to say a very special thank you to 

Joseph H.     and     Henry S.

Who have both recently made very special donations outside of donation season.  Your kindness and generosity know no boundaries and are deeply appreciated.  Thank you. As I’ve said before, Dragon Laff Campers are the very best!!

If that’s the case, I have been killed many times and in some really weird ways…and that’s all I’m saying.

Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?” 

Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?”

There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.  

The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?” 

The psychology professor replied, “Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs.” 

No kidding!!!!

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totalling a substantial amount of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill was still outstanding. 

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying “We are unable to ship your new order until payment is received for the last one.” 

The following day, the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We are unable to wait that long.” 

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at once against his young wife.

“What’s the problem?”

“I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the magnate.

“I don’t know if that’ll fly,” replied the lawyer. “I mean, your wife isn’t a piece of property, you do not own her.”

“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!”

Heck, I know that one!

Storming Into the drugstore first thing Monday morning, the young man slammed a carton and a receipt down on the counter.  

“I came In here on Friday and purchased twelve dozen condoms,” he yelled at the druggist. “Well  I counted them. There’s only eleven dozen here.” 

Regarding the man square in the eye, the druggist said contritely, “So sorry  sir, to have ruined your weekend.

And that’s it my friends.  I have to call it quits.  I’ve got to get ready for my Jail Ministry and have too much to do.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Holy Crap!  Episode #2200!  We started this back in 2006, well, officially in 2006, actually further back then that, but let’s call it that.  Seventeen years.  Two thousand, two hundred episodes.  That’s 129 1/2 episodes a year (on average),  10.8 issues per month, 2.5 issues per week,  or finally, about 1/3 of an issue every day…or is that too much?  I’m sorry, I just can’t help myself when it comes to numbers. 

But,  2200 issues.  Wow.  You guys should be proud.  How many of you have been around since 2006?  From the beginning? 

Since we don’t go back to 2006 with WordPress, I can only go back so far, but I do have two subscribers who go back to November of 2010.  And 296 from 2011. 

Interesting stuff.

I want to take a minute to thank all of you who have said and offered prayers for my brother the Owl.  He is doing a little bit better, and I know that God performs miracles every day and is capable of anything.  Please continue to keep him in your prayers.

There are an awful lot of things I wish to share with you in this episode, so let’s get this party started…

Here’s another one of those really cool links that Stephanie has been happy to send us lately.   This one is especially fun.  Make sure you have the sound on.  https://www.facebook.com/reel/286705507048643?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9

“I’ve come to pay that bill I’ve owed you for so long,” said Jones. “That letter you wrote me would get money out of a stone. How did you ever think it up?”

Replied his creditor: “I didn’t. I selected the best parts from letters my son sends me from college.”

What are the lessons people most often learn too late in life?
**If it means something to you, fight for it till the end.
**You have to step out of your comfort zone to get success.
**Excuses make you weak.
**Travelling makes your soul alive.
**It’s ok to be different.
**Eagles never run in the race of dogs.
**Money isn’t the answer but it makes a difference.
**Do what you love and love what you do.
**Most people are scared of using their imagination.
**Perception is reality.
**Everything is temporary. Your good times are temporary and so are your bad ones.
**The best way to deal with toxic people is to cut them out of your life as soon as possible.
**Never take big decisions of your life on jealousy.
**Stop wasting your energy by reacting to toxic people comments.
**Crying isn’t a sign of weakness.
**Life isn’t fair, it never was and never will.
**Never compare your stars with somebody else sparkles. We all shine differently.
**Never stop learning and growing in life.
**Motivation comes from meaning. Everything comes from meaning.
**“When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside.”

My cousin had a small walk-on roll in the Hagar comic strip many years ago.

What the heck???

I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they’re holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

Driving to a new restaurant, Judy took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, “Why didn’t you tell me I was lost?”

“I thought you knew where you were going,” he replied. “You always know where you’re going when I’m driving.”

Because it is wicked cool!

The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

You have no idea what that last meme means, do you?  DO YOU?!  Well, Impish Dragon is kind, he is wise, he will SHOW YOU what it means…

There are two things I’ve learned: There is a God. And, I’m not Him.

We should all swap problems; everyone seems to know how to solve the other guy’s.

Jon and I were sitting on the porch the other night listening to music and talking and just enjoying the night. Well, being Healey’s we were soon talking about food. He was telling me how much he liked seafood and how it was so good for you. Then he said “ya know, eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil.” I told him, “I don’t like raw oysters, and to tell you the truth, I don’t have anybody I’m gonna be writing to anyway.”

Does no one edit anymore?

Jon and I went shopping and he was complaining that he always had to buy a dozen eggs when he only needed two or three. I showed him the store carried cartons of six, he was so excited…..he bought two cartons…..

Believe it or not, this is not a spoof.  This is, or was, a real place.

Morris, a  mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife Hanna; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so he gave him a book on assertiveness, which Morris read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. 

Morris stormed into the house and walked up to Hanna,  his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that   *I*  am the man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my hot bath so I can relax. And, when  I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” 

“Moscowitz…the funeral director,” said his wife. 

And would solve an awful lot of problems.

Oh, this ought to be fun to watch!

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. 

After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. 

The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.” 

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. 

“Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.” 

Two nuns were driving in the country and ran out of gas. They spotted a farmhouse to ask the farmer if he could give them enough gas to get to the next town. 

The farmer agrees, but says he has no container to put the gas in. He takes them into the barn to see if there is anything they can find that will do the job. 

Amidst a pile of junk one of the nuns spots a bedpan and says, “That will do just great! We’re used to using those bedpans in the hospital.” 

Farmer fills it with gas for them. The nuns take the bedpan full of gas back to their car. They pour the gas into their car’s gas tank when a car drives up. 

The window rolls down and a man leans out the window and says, “Sisters … I’m not a Roman Catholic … as a matter of fact I’m a Baptist clergyman. But I just had to stop to tell you how much I admire your faith that that’s going to work!!!” 

Michael comes home on payday and hands Sandra an empty pay envelope. 

Sandra says, “What happened?” 

“I’m not sure.” Michael replies. 

“Either they made a mistake in the payroll department or my deductions finally caught up with my salary.” 

Okay, here’s another “must watch” link from Stephanie.  You will definitely laugh.  That’s all I’m gonna say.  

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?extid=NS-UNK-UNK-UNK-AN_GK0T-GK1C&mibextid=2Rb1fB&v=572552604413223

This is a wonderful story that I sent many years ago. While long, it’s a very worthwhile read. …Joe
___________________
A story of an aging couple told by their son who was President of NBC NEWS.

This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed. Here goes… My father never drove a car. Well, that’s not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.
He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.
“In those days,” he told me when he was in his 90s, “to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it.”
At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in: “Oh, bull shit!” she said. “He hit a horse.” “Well,” my father said, “there was that, too.”
So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars — the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford — but we had none.
My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines , would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.
My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we’d ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. “No one in the family drives,” my mother would explain, and that was that.
But, sometimes, my father would say, “But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we’ll get one..” It was as if he wasn’t sure which one of us would turn 16 first.
But, sure enough , my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.
It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn’t drive, it more or less became my brother’s car.
Having a car but not being able to drive didn’t bother my father, but it didn’t make sense to my mother.
So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father’s idea. “Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?” I remember him saying more than once.
For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps — though they seldom left the city limits — and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.
Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn’t seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.
(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)
He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin’s Church.
She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish’s two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.
If it was the assistant pastor, he’d take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests “Father Fast” and “Father Slow.”
After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he’d sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I’d stop by, he’d explain: “The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored.”
If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out — and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, “Do you want to know the secret of a long life?”
“I guess so,” I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre. “No left turns,” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“No left turns,” he repeated. “Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.. As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn.”
“What?” I said again..
“No left turns,” he said. “Think about it.. Three rights are the same as a left, and that’s a lot safer. So we always make three rights.”
“You’re kidding!” I said, and I turned to my mother for support.
“No,” she said, “your father is right. We make three rights. It works.” But then she added: “Except when your father loses count.”
I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing. “Loses count?” I asked.
“Yes,” my father admitted, “that sometimes happens. But it’s not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you’re okay again.”
I couldn’t resist. “Do you ever go for 11?” I asked.
“No,” he said ” If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can’t be put off another day or another week.”
My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90. She lived four more years, until 2003.
My father died the next year, at 102. They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom — the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)
He continued to walk daily — he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he’d fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising — and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.
One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.
A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, “You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred.”
At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, “You know, I’m probably not going to live much longer.”
“You’re probably right,” I said.
“Why would you say that?” He countered, somewhat irritated.
“Because you’re 102 years old,” I said.
“Yes,” he said, “you’re right.”
He stayed in bed all the next day.
That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night. He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said: “I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet”
An hour or so later, he spoke his last words: “I want you to know,” he said, clearly and lucidly, “that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have.”
A short time later, he died. I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I’ve wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long. I can’t figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or because he quit taking left turns.
“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one’s who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it and if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”

Thanks Joe, that was an awesome story.  I really enjoyed it!

Here’s another one from Joe.  It’s an old one that he told from memory.  And like I told him, I saw the end coming from a mile away…

Two hunting friends negotiated with an Alaskan bush pilot to fly them to their very remote cabin for an elk hunt. He finally relented. After looking at the mountain of gear they were taking plus calculating the weight of an average elk and his rather small plane, he warned them they could only bring back ONE elk. They agreed and loaded the plane.

With the great skill that bush pilots have, he took off and managed to squeeze into the narrow clearing by the cabin. After unloading and getting ready to depart, the pilot reminded them again that they were limited to one elk. They nodded and he took off.

When he flew in the following week, he was shocked to see them waiting for him with TWO elks! He started yelling at them even before he got out of the plane. “I told you we could only take off with ONE elk! They both argued back: “But the pilot last year let us take two.”

The pilot’s ego got the best of him and they crammed the second elk in the small plane.

The pilot knew he was going to need every inch of the tiny runway. He held his brakes, gave the plane full throttle, released the brakes and at the last instant pulled back on the stick and got barely air-born.

However, due to the excess weight, instead of climbing the plane went down not far from the cabin.

Everyone got out safely. The hunters, Bob and Joe were eyeing the wreckage when Bob asked: “Gee, how far do you think we got?”

Joe looked back and replied: “I figure about a half mile farther than last year.”

Sasquatch sent me a video that I can’t put in, but it was of a man telling a wonderful story, so what I will do instead is write you out the story here:

The Donkey said to the Tiger the grass is blue.
The Tiger replied, no the grass is green.
The discussion heated up and the two decided to go before the Lion, the King of the Jungle.
The Donkey began to shout, your Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?
The Lion replied, True the grass is blue.
The Donkey continued, The Tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me.  Please punish him.
The King then declared, The Tiger will be punished with five years of silence.
The Donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way.
The Tiger accepted his punishment, but before he asked the Lion, Your Majesty why have you punished me?  After all the grass is green.
The Lion replied, In fact the grass is green.
The Tiger asked, So why are you punishing me?
The Lion replied, That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green.  The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a Donkey and on top of that come and bother me with that question.  The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions.  There are people who, no matter how much evidence we present to them, are not in the capacity to understand and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment and all they want is to be right even if they are not.

There is so much wonderful and beautiful truth in this story.  Read it again.  Meditate on it and then read it a third time.  Consider all parts of it.  Then read it again.  It is very apropos, we think (Sasquatch and I) that the one creature is a Donkey. 

And that is it for today my friends, be well and be safe until next time.  May God Bless you and keep you until then. 

I’m still staying ahead of the game on issues.  Okay, that doesn’t sound right.  Yes, I’ve got issues and I’m staying ahead of them, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  Today is actually Monday, July 3rd as I’m starting this episode, so I’m staying ahead because I know, at some point in time, I’m going to get blasted with something and fall way behind again.  So, it’s just as well that I keep up and keep going.  I hope everyone had a great week and have been enjoying themselves.  These last couple of episodes have been extra long and extra filled with stuff for your enjoyment.  And I hope you’ve taken the opportunity to do just that.  But, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten any feedback from anyone in the comment section or by email, so I wonder if we’ve run into another glitch in the systems where you guys have stopped receiving the episodes by email again…or maybe if I schedule them too far in advance, they don’t give you guys the proper email notification for them?  Hmmm?  Now, some other made-up thing for me to worry about.

I’m going to try an experiment.  I’ll be right back.

Okay, so not right back.  That was hours ago.  But, I did send out a fast message to you guys and you guys responded in form.  Thank you for that.  And I got an awesome response from John M. that I will share with you guys later that I’m sure you will enjoy as much as  I did.        

We owe them all so very much.  What we owe them most is the one thing that we hardly ever give them, and that is respect.

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!

Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

Alabama Law

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

A nervous attendant on a cross-country flight announced: “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”

When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”

Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!”

“But, Mom!  I don’t wanna take a bath!”

Okay, let’s do John M’s comment.  Keep in mind that I got this on the day before Independence Day…

Morris goes to visit his cardiologist in follow up after his life threatening heart attack.

The doctor explains to Morris that he would be able to resume his active sex life as soon as he could climb three flights of stairs without becoming winded.

Morris listens attentively and then says, “But what if I look for the women who live on the ground floor?”

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.” He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.

“Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cabdriver hit a parked car…

“Yes, my wingspan ratio is completely wrong for my body size, but that’s why magic is involved!”

The Total Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!

Let’s begin:

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here’s a list of suggestions: –Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. –Join every free banner exchange. –Get your own free-for-all links page. –Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. –Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. –Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. –Hire a bulk emailer. –Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings? A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Bob, when she burst into tears. 

“I’m afraid you’ll get the wrong idea about me,” she said between sobs. “I’m really not that kind of girl!” 

“I believe you,” Bob said, as he tried to comfort her. 

“You’re the first one,” Sarah repied. 

“The first one to make love to you?” Bob asked. 

“No, silly,” she replied. “The first one to believe me!” 

Papa Dragon Most Senior used to be a pole dancer like that.

A cop pulled me over and said, “Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?”

I replied, “Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?”

We laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

I think it’s disgraceful that after 50 years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is, or the type of trumpet he played.

Gotta be tough being a toddler.  You’re standing there, crying about something that feels super important, an adult walks up and immediately looks down your butt to see if you pooped your pants.

I just can’t help it…I am even a bad influence on myself!

Two Alligators

This is from Lynn:

We live in the greatest country on earth. She is on life support right now due to the evil that has taken up residence here.

America has seen better days but it has been through sickness before. We still have people who pray fervently every day for this country and its people. God hears our hearts and our cries. Praise be to God and the United States of America. We must never let those freedom bells stop ringing

As funny as this is, the truth is that my CPAP leaves the same marks on my cheeks, so let’s not jump to conclusions.  

Campers, if you haven’t figured out yet that we are under attack, with the implied consent of the people who are in charge of our country.  This is WRONG!

Instead of Conspiracy Theorist I identify as:

— Professional Noticer
— Connect the Dots Expert
— Spoiler Alerts Specialist

IF SHE SAYS SHE’S CRAZY, SHE’S PROBABLY HARMLESS.  THE REAL CRAZY ONES NEVER GIVE YOU A DAMN CLUE.

Did you notice that most of the proper household cleaning agents are Mr. Min, Mr. Muscle, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Clean…and women are complaining that men don’t help around the house.

Now this one is not THAT MUCH Cracked…while working my Jail Ministry, the inmates have access to these devices that look like bulky little phones.  The ONLY thing they can do is get text messages on them.  From what I understand, they get charged 10¢ a message up to 160 characters.  They are called “Chirping” devices.  And they look like this:

My wife went to bed early and the dogs and I are not sure who’s in charge now.

My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25¢ apiece.

Everyone called him Quarter Roy.

Holy cow!

What a wonderful piece and so beautifully said.  If you did not get that out of reading it, go back and read it again.

There has got to be a way to harness that power that is staying in one place and not going anywhere.

Today, I was so bored, I saw an ant in my kitchen and I placed a pinch of sugar in front of her.  She had some and went to tell her friends and I quickly hid the sugar because I wanted them to think that she is a liar.

There are so many, many, many possible things to say here…, but the one point I will make: TAKE THE WARNING SERIOUSLY!!!

Okay, the last one is just stupid

Yeah, it’s been done before, just not with a kangaroo.

Okay, now pay attention.  This link is well worth clicking on and the video behind it is well worth watching.  It has been sent in by Stephanie and believe me when I tell you that it is well worth it.  So do yourself a favor, click on the link and watch the movie.  It won’t take you that long.  https://www.facebook.com/watch/?extid=NS-UNK-UNK-UNK-AN_GK0T-GK1C&mibextid=2Rb1fB&v=610013967045826

SHE!  Oh no SHE didn’t!  No wonder we don’t get any respect.

One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn’t feel well. 

Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn’t something he had given her. 

A fellow worker piped up, “I sure hope not. She has morning sickness.” 

That actually makes sense.

Morris and Rachel are sweethearts. Morris lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. 

One day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. 

After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service. 

Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Morris to take an alternate route to the synagogue. 

The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. 

When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the chuppa. 

As the ceremony starts, the Rabbi whispers to Morris, “Pull down your trousers.” 

“Rabbi, I’ve changed my mind,” says Morris, “I think I prefer the traditional service.” 

Four old men were out golfing. 

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained. 

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others. 

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior. 

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!” 

A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank’s customer- service representatives. 

“I want to deposit my paycheck, but I’m not sure how to do it,” he said. 

“No problem,” said Linda as she took his check and passbook. 

There was a flurry of activity for a few moments, and then his passbook was handed back to him. 

The man looked at his book, noting the deposit and, smiling, said, “That’s it?” 

“That’s it. Just give your paycheck to me, and I’ll take care if it.” 

The man suddenly looked at her curiously. “Say,” he drawled, “are you my wife?” 

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him. 

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability. 

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row. 

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week. 

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.” Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday. 

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss 
calls him into his office. 

“What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.” 

Man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long.” 

“Your sister!?!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting!” 

Man says, “I *told* you I was sick.” 

Visiting the modern art museum an old lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?”

“No madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

MORRIS’ FIRST LAW: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

MORRIS’ SECOND LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

MORRIS’ THIRD LAW: Do not believe in miracles…Rely on them !

MORRIS’ FOURTH LAW: When in doubt, present lots of charts and graphs.

And that is it my dear campers and friends.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.