I can tell I’ve had a rough week. Today is Thursday as I start this writing to you and I woke up feeling like crap so I called in sick, but looking at my calendar, I missed two birthdays this week.  Not that I would have done anything super special for them, but I would have at least texted to wish them both a happy birthday.  So, I messaged them both with a happy belated birthday.  (Sorry Stephanie) The mower is still in the shop with no word yet, waiting to hear from them.  And my poor Willow Dragon has pooped on the floor three times in the last couple of days which is COMPLETELY outside of her norm, so I’m wondering if she’s not feeling well either. 

My depression is over the moon right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing, but I know if I do that, then that is exactly what I will do.  So, I turned to Dragon Laffs and you guys to try to alleviate some of that gouging depression that is eating its way through my chest.  So, let’s do all of us a favor and

That’s a lot of friggin’ bananas!!!

This one is from Stephanie and it’s really interesting.  Thanks Stephanie…

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a mommy.”

“Oh.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

” I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy.”

Notice to people who visit my home.

1. The dog lives here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What’s your point?

4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.

5. It’s her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers.

6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you she’s a dog. To me she’s an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.

8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you…until you’re asleep

Dragons and fairies have been friends for a long time.

This is an old one, but worth replaying over and over again.

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?” 

And the Lord answered, “Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only two hands.” 

The angel was astounded at the requirements. “Only two hands!? No way! And that’s just on the standard model? That’s too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrowto finish.” 

“But I won’t,” the Lord protested. “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.” 

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. “But you have made her so soft, Lord.” 

“She is soft,” the Lord agreed, “but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”

“Will she be able to think?”, asked the angel. 

The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.” 

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.” 

“That’s not a leak,” the Lord corrected, “that’s a tear!” 

“What’s the tear for?” the angel asked. 

The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.” 

The angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.” 

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. 

They stand up to injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. 

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. 

They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. 


HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH. 

Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn’t get home till the wee hours.

They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, “Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?”

Doug replies, “No, but that didn’t keep her from talking for two hours.

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruise liner — first class all the way. The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn’t enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard.

A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent’s fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

“I’m telling you, I can get you as many as you want at 5 gold pieces each.”

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” 

Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”  She then prepared a bowl of soup. 

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.  

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, “I have such a terrible headache!” 

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!” 

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

– Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

That will bring some of you guys way back.

Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.

Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant Food Store.

Dad: “Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??”

Son: “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice.”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: “Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?”

Son: “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: “Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a country!”

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”

There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing 50 in a 35.

And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous. 

I often look at my children and can’t see me in them. 

Then they open their mouth and say something sarcastic and I’m like there I am!

My brother in arms Wheats asked me to pass this next one on, so that’s what I am doing.  I think it’s GREAT!!

People who say they don’t have time for my B.S. need to learn how to manage their time better. 
Wake up an hour earlier. 
Use better time management techniques.  

I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay?

They arrested me.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image.  Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s removed from the body.

You know you’re over 40 when you have “upstairs ibuprofen” and “downstairs ibuprofen”.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that “Take Out” can mean food, dating, or murder.

When you realize that 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918….

I’m just gonna need a minute…

A woman with a salad walked past me in the restaurant and said, “You know a cow died so you could eat that beef burger.”  I said, “If you weren’t eating its food, it might have lived.”

Hey, I want you to pay attention to this one…

Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

I AM SWIFT AS A GAZELLE.

An old one. 

With arthritis. 

Run over by a land rover.

Seven days ago.

And that’s it.  It helped…not as much as I wanted, but it helped.  May God Bless you and keep you until next time.

And just like that

It’s Saturday again.  The weekend is here.  I’m starting this one on the Sunday before, just because…um…I am starting this on the Sunday before.  I’m predicting it’s going to be an interesting week.  Mostly because I’ve got some really stupid…er…I mean, I’ve got some really important, yeah, important things to take care of this week.  So, unless I finish this tonight, which is doubtful, I’ll try and keep you guys updated. 

But, let’s start with some laughter and then get into some comments and some other stuff.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonald’s’.

I have SO MANY questions.

This is a cute one from Leah D.

Which word does not belong?

beekeeper, dumbbell, dumbstruck, untruthful

I’ll tell you in a second…

Answer to the little riddle…

Dumbbell.  All the other words have only one of the vowels (a, e, i, o, u)

“I NEED A PODIATRIST!!!  THIS INGROWN NAIL IS KILLING ME!!!”

(Okay, so I freely admit, it’s not my best work)

On a thundering rainy day, Mom went to pick up her six year old son from school thinking that he would be afraid of the lightning.  But she found him smiling at the sky for every lightning flash. 

She asks, “Why are you smiling?”

Her son replied, “God is taking my pictures and I need to look good.”

Life is simple.  We complicate it.

Finding out stripper poles spin in place instead of strippers around the poles, is the grown-ups finding out Santa isn’t real.

Is it not always that way with our wives?

I judge people by how they treat animals, how they treat the waitstaff at restaurants and what they do with their shopping cart when they’re done with it.

Dragon Laffs Northern Headquarters

Because we teach our kids that we always attack what’s different?

Sometimes, all you need is for someone just to be there, even if they can’t solve your problems.  Just knowing there is someone who cares can make all the difference.

That’s the same recipe that grief requires.  Someone to talk to and someone to listen.  If given the opportunity or the need, be one or the other…the one who talks or the one who listens.

I end a lot of my sentences with “just saying” because ending the sentence with “dumb ass” would probably be considered offensive.

Here’s a bunch of really cute ones by really little kids…

You will never understand the damage you did to someone until the same thing is done to you.  
That’s why I’m here.
–Karma

Know the difference between those who stay to feed the soil and those who come to grab the fruit.

Okay, that’s just wrong!!

I have now learnt the true meaning of old age.  Yesterday, as I lay basking on my verandah, my wife, who was engaged in some domestic maintenance, came to me and said, “Darling, what I need is a really long screw.”

Without a single thought, I went out to the shed to look for one.

Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as stupid as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.

I think we can conclude that the “Time Out” generation didn’t produce as good of citizens as the “Ass Beating” generation.

Inoculate your kids against socialism by having them clean the bathroom.  Pay them $10.  Then take away $7 and give it to their sibling who didn’t help.

Socialism won’t seem so attractive then!

Nothing says, “We’re lying our asses off,” quite like saying, “We’re going after the rich!” and then wanting to know everyone’s bank account activity over $600.

There’s not “A Wide Range Of Genders.”

There are Two Genders and a Wide Range Of Mental Disorders.

If your students know your political affiliation you have failed as a teacher.  Teachers are there to help students think for themselves not think like you.

If you believe a 3.5 trillion dollar spending bill will cost us “$0”, you are as dumb as they think you are.

97% of Scientists Agree with Whoever is Funding Them.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ”Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed…”

The mother interupts him. ”Stop right there!! Wait ’till daddy comes home!!”

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ”I’m leaving you.”

The father, bewildered, slowly asks ”Why!?! What did I do??”

The mother turns to Johnny and says ” tell daddy exactly what you told me today!”

”I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.”

I really like the picture of this squirrel.  Just as much as this one..

So, I have to play with it a bit, but…

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. “No doubt about it,” one deputy said to the other. “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” 

“You’re right,” the other deputy replied. “Double murder and suicide. But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say ‘it could have been worse’.” 

“No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn’t be worse. You’re on.” 

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw t! he man on the floor with the gun by his side. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. “But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.” 

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse??” 

“Yes it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!” 

Were it that easy.

“My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she’d have killed him if we hadn’t stopped her.” 

“He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?” 

“No, that’s not what made her the maddest.” 

“It’s not?” 

“No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains.” 

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: “Tower, I’m holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1.”

Second voice: “NO!!! You can’t be doing that! I’m holding at 3000 over that pad!”

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: “You idiot! You’re my co-pilot!”

I really like this picture.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

If McDonald’s sold hotdogs, would you be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it?

So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t.

That must be frustrating.

Someone said, “30 years ago” and my mind went, “Ah yes!  The 1970’s”, but they meant 1992, and now I need to lie down.

People giving directions like “Head South”…

Listen Lewis and Clark, do I turn at the Chick-Fil-A or go towards Target?

I don’t think that word means what you think it means…

The Correct Term for “gluten-free sugarless vegan brownies” is “compost”.

I concur.  That’s 209.66°F

And with that we’re going to call it a day.  Thanks for all your attention, wonderful comments and feedback, and support.  Until we meet again, may God Bless you and yours with Love and Happiness.

Life keeps getting interesting.  My lawnmower, a nice ride-on craftsman, is giving me problems.  Turned  it in to the repair shop, had a real nice conversation about religion and bibles with the owner.  He had a stack of bibles on the counter, so I took that as an opportunity to talk to him.  Spent more time talking about that then about my machine.  He’ll do me well.  But, I’m still worried about it. 

But, then I thought, it’ll all work out.  It always does because God always makes sure it does.  Even when I don’t think He does…He does.  He takes care of me, even when I don’t think He does.  So Lord, if you could see Your way clear to not kicking my butt too bad on the mower repairs, that would be Great!  

I feel like I got a lot of work done today, which is Saturday, by the way…today…Saturday…all I really did was turn the mower in, did a teeny-tiny bit of grocery shopping (only spent like $35 so that tells you how teeny-tiny it was), cut up a big box and put it out for the trash, did a load of laundry, vacuumed the floor, and now started this Thursday issue of Dragon Laffs.  I also started watching SEAL Team on Paramount + from the first season.  It’s actually a pretty good show, even if they’ve gotten the specs on the chemical weapons wrong, but … the average person wouldn’t know that.  It’s a good show.  It’s distracting me from doing this.  LOL! 

Have you heard of the crap that Jason Aldean is going through over his new song, Try that In A Small Town?  The song was blocked from CMT, people are calling him a racist, a bigot, and saying that he is making money off of bigotry.  I am mad as hell over it, because that is NOT what he is saying at all!  Now, anyone of you who knows me, knows that I am NOT a fan of country music.  Not in the least, but I’m putting his song up, right here for you guys to judge for yourself.

Now, you tell me.  How many of you have wanted to say the exact same thing?  “Wish they’d try that crap around here!  We’d straighten their butts out!”  That’s all he’s saying.  If any individual race, party or organization feels as though they are being singled out or discriminated against, then maybe they need to take a good hard look at themselves in the mirror, hit their knees and ask God for some forgiveness and direction.  Because I don’t see anything wrong with this man’s song AT ALL!!! 

Now, enough about that.  Let’s move on to other things, because right now, I’m mad as hell, I just got done having a yelling match at Izzy because, of course, my little communist takes the other side of things, and I need something to laugh about.

Okay, that last part sounds like a threat!

And if we’re going to do videos, here’s one that Ted sent me by Toby Keith called Happy Birthday America.  Why do they all have to be country music?  Thanks Ted!!

AAANNNDDD I guess we’re STILL doing videos because Leah D sends this email:

I’ve been thinking, you need a theme song.  What would someone else nominate?

I nominate Arrow’s, 1982:

So Leah wants to get a theme song for … not sure which.  Either Dragon Laffs or me, Impish Dragon.  We are almost synonymous, but not quite.  So, she is soliciting suggestions, nominations, or what have you.  What do you guys think?  She’s calling it, the Theme Song Challenge

[Ordering cake over phone] “And what would you like the cake to say?”

[Covering phone to ask wife] “Do we want a talking cake?”

“You know we’re going to have to fly down there and eat someone, just to make a point, right?”

“Yeah, I know…”

I’ve never wrestled an angry alligator, but I have taken off a wet sports bra in the middle of summer.  So…same thing.

He is really cute.

Him:  Tell me your wildest fantasy? 

Her:  Sleeping through the night, and waking up to a clean house, a fit body, no wrinkles, laundry done and put away, a full on buffet breakfast with no calories, and a million bucks in my purse.

Have y’all ever tried doing the speed limit and thought they can’t be serious!

Deadly and beautiful

U-Haul has the worst drivers of any company.

Research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.  So, now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping, while we have bears out there using Charmin?

I can look past most of your flaws.
Emotionally distant?  Okay.
Slight drinking problem?  Fine.
Killed a man once due to circumstances you can’t talk about?  Whatever.
But saying, “I seen,” instead of  “I saw,” is just something I can’t and won’t tolerate.

Pay attention to how people talk about other people to you in private.

Because that’s exactly how they talk about you to others.

Why’s it just got to be winter.  Why can’t we drive with cake all year round?

Shouldn’t be a real problem

Now see this one I get.  There is so little of it, that it is pretty important to take care of it.

20’s:  I hope I can be normal long enough for them to like me. 

30’s:  They can like me or not.  I don’t care.

40’s:  Maybe if I act REALLY weird they will leave and I can go to bed early.

I was winning an argument with the wife, but then she took her top off…

I was speechless, it was a booby trap.

Fact of the Day:

Hot Showers At Alcatraz

Alcatraz, the infamous island prison located in the San Francisco Bay, allowed its prisoners to take hot showers.  This wasn’t out of kindness, this was a deterrent to those thinking about fleeing by swimming across the much colder waters.

Yeah, THAT worked well.

I TRY TO BE A NICE PERSON… BUT SOMETIMES MY MOUTH DOESN’T COOPERATE.

Fact of the Day:

The Science of Kissing

The science of kissing has an official name.  And that name is Philematology.  

Don’t give up on your dreams

Go back to bed

If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.

Fact of the Day:

It’s About The Same Size

What do the city of San Francisco and Disney World in Orlando have in common?  They are roughly the same size, approximately 40 square miles.  

I have a pet manatee named Hugh.  I built him a house.  It’s a habitat for Hugh manatee.

Scientists discover how trees communicate.

They bark.

Okay, so with that sage advice, we’ll call it a day.  May God Bless and keep you all until next time.

And now it’s Monday.  Time is just flying by.  I really don’t know what to say to start today off.  So, maybe I’ll come back later and add to this, so for now…

But wait!  I’m back, with something to share…

I got this really wonderfully nice comment from Leah that I want to share with you right up front…

Mom: Your son brought a note home from school today.

Dad: What did it say?

Mom: They want a written excuse for his presence.

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

“It’s the one with all the broken windows,” said the clerk.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.   

• I read that 4,153,237 people were married last year.
  • Not to cause any trouble …. but shouldn’t that be an even number? 
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom …
  • Until they are flashing behind you. 
• When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies.
  • Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. 
• Relationships are a lot like algebra.
  • Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? 
• America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy …
  • But won’t cross the street to vote. 
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?
  • That’s common sense leaving your body . 
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
  • We’ll see about that! 
• I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer.
  • I saw it through my telescope last night. 
• Money talks …
  • But all mine ever says is good-bye. 
• You’re not fat,
  • You’re just easier to see. 
• If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive,
  • Try missing a couple of payments. 
• I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
  • Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” 
• I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penney …
  • Has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor” 
• The location of your mailbox …
  • Shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. 

Even the longest roads start with the first step.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
“Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.”
“I believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.”
“You’ve both got it wrong,” said the rabbi. “Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house!”

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don’t worry about it. You’ll pass eventually.

Liz: I’m the examiner!

“Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we’re going to get married next week!”

The bride-to-be was ecstatic. “Gee, honey, don’t you think you two should wait till he’s been practicing for a year or so?” cautioned her mother.

“Oh Mom,” said the bride with a blush, “we’ve been practicing.”

“I don’t know, he looks fairly harmless…”

Notes For The English Milkman

“Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.”

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

“Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it”

Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

“Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

“Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you ‘to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.

“My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.”

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

“From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”

My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

“Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

1. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one!

2. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

3. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

4. What does a sprinter eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

5. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

6. What do you call a fish with no eye?

A fsh.

7. Why are elevator jokes so funny?

They work on many levels.

8. What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?

Live stream it.

9. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

10. What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

And here’s a BONUS joke for the road….

I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat, it was obvious that she thought her cat understood her…I came to my house, I told my dog…we laughed and laughed.

This is a beautiful story sent in by Stephanie that you need to check out.  That’s Steph, for sharing with the rest of us. https://www.ladbible.com/news/us-news/paul-alexander-iron-lung-machine-usa-474412-20230719

Another good one from Stephanie.  This one is worth watching just for the laughs!  Thanks for another great share, Steph. https://www.facebook.com/reel/1242981943188006?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9

No amount of facts or reason can convince those who willfully choose to remain ignorant.

Life Hacks for 2023: 
1)  If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2)  If the news says it’s good for you, it’s not.
3)  If Klaus says you will be happy, you won’t.
4)  If the FDA says it’s safe, it’s probably not.
5)  If you’re being silenced it’s because you’re sharing the truth.

If people can go to prison for lying to congress, shouldn’t members of congress go to prison for lying to the people?

Once you understand that the “solution” wasn’t created to solve the “problem”, but the “problem” was intentionally created for the “solution” to be rolled out — then you will comprehend the magnitude of evil in the people behind everything.

I WON’

This one is from Joe and he says:

Subject: 1% ers  –  Hard to believe but this includes many of us. Shocking .

99% of those born between 1930 and 1946 (worldwide) are now dead.

• If you were born in this time span, you are one of the rare surviving one percenters of this special group.
• Their ages range is between 77 and 93 years old, a 16-year age span.

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE 1% ERS:

• You are the smallest group of children born since the early 1900’s.

• You are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war that rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.
• You are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to stoves.
• You saved tin foil and poured fried meat fat into tin cans.
• You can remember milk being delivered to your house early in the morning and placed in the “milk box” on the porch.
• Discipline was enforced by parents and teachers. 
• You are the last generation who spent childhood without television; instead, you “imagined” what you heard on the radio.
• With no TV, you spent your childhood “playing outside”.
• There was no Little League.
• There was no city playground for kids.
• The lack of television in your early years meant that you had little real understanding of what the world was like.
• We got “black-and-white” TV in the late 40s that had 3 stations and no remote.
• Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party lines), and hung on the wall in the kitchen (no cares about privacy).
• Computers were called calculators; they were hand-cranked.
• Typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon.
• ‘INTERNET’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.
• Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was broadcast on your radio in the evening (your dad would give you the comic pages when he read the news).
• New highways would bring jobs and mobility. Most highways were 2 lanes (no interstates).
• You went downtown to shop. You walked to school.
• The radio network expanded from 3 stations to thousands.
• Your parents were suddenly free from the confines of the depression and the war, and they threw themselves into working hard to make a living for their families. 
• You weren’t neglected, but you weren’t today’s all-consuming family focus.
• They were glad you played by yourselves.
• They were busy discovering the postwar world.
• You entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where you were welcomed, enjoyed yourselves.
• You felt secure in your future, although the depression and poverty were deeply remembered.
• Polio was still a crippler. Everyone knew someone who had it.
• You came of age in the ’50s and ’60s.
• You are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no threats to our homeland.
• World War 2 was over, and the cold war, terrorism, global warming, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life.
• Only your generation can remember a time after WW2 when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty.
• You grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better.
• More than 99% of you are retired now, and you should feel privileged to have “lived in the best of times!”
• If you have already reached the age of 77 years old, you have outlived 99% of all the other people in the world who were born in this special 16 year time span. You are a 1% ‘er”!

While visiting a museum with my kids, we were impressed with the very large dinosaur. I asked the guide how old it was.

“1 million yrs. and 94 days” he replied.

“How did you determine the exact age?

“It was 1 million yrs old when I started working here 94 days ago.”

Stephanie sent this to me in a format I couldn’t use and I love this one so much I tracked it down in YouTube that I can use…

Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888.

So when someone asks, tell them it’s 12345678 

Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great.  Thanks.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore.  I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, I realize that they didn’t care either.

Random Thought of the Day:

If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?

Technically, yes.

Doctor:  You need to listen to your body more. 

My Body:  You’re old and you want tacos.

And that’s it, my true and gracious friends.  May you be Blessed by God with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I’m not 100% sure, but I think today is Saturday…yeah…I’m pretty sure that’s what day it is…Saturday.  Well, Saturday when you guys are reading this, anyway.  Today is actually Monday, when I’m writing this, Monday.  Yup, I’m almost 100% sure that today is Sunday, no Monday, wait…yes, no, maybe almost quite assuredly one of the days of the week.  We’re going to settle on Monday.  Okay, now that that’s settled. 
How’s everyone doing? 
Good, I hope. 
I know you guys can’t answer me yet, but you aren’t reading this yet.  It’s still several days before you guys will be reading it, so let’s just pretend you’re reading it now, shall we? 
So how …. where was I?  Oh yeah, Sunday, NO!  Wait!  Monday!  Right, Monday.
Okay, I give up! 
Uncle! 
Pax! 
My friends with most of their ten kids, My son, with his dear wife and 3 of their 4 kids, (my grandkids) all came over to my house yesterday and spent about 4 hours doing yard work for me!  What a truly wonderful gift that was for me!  I’m getting a little too old to do the kind of stuff that these guys did for me.  Truly a blessing.  They worked their butts off.  I am truly grateful. 

Okay, it is time to get on with the laughter, we’ll get into other things as we go along.  

Experts issue reminder to check home air filters after Canadian wildfire smoke moves through area

“I looked very deeply at the coils, and I’m like, that is smoke. There’s no explanation other than the wildfire smoke,” said Graham.

Last week’s air quality levels were the worst in decades. It trapped Cincinnati in a haze dropped down by Canadian wildfires.

Matt Tyner with Thomas and Galbraith Heating, Cooling, and Plumbing said we should change our filter more often, especially with the poor air quality.

“A lot of that has to do with bringing in the fresh air through the intake, or if they have a fresh air ventilator, its purpose — sole purpose — is to bring fresh air into the home. And then as well as the normal opening and closing of doors,” he said.

Graham also noted that once she changed her filter, her house cooled by a degree in a matter of minutes.

“I didn’t realize my air conditioner was working that hard,” Graham said.

“When we start seeing that more and more contaminants are getting on the filter, the filter doesn’t stay as efficient as it was designed because it’s capturing more and more and more, it actually becomes more efficient in filtering; however, less efficient of letting the air through so that your system can breathe,” Tyner said.

Tyner said it’s good to check air filters monthly, but in cases when air quality is bad, weekly check-ins are a good idea.

Out of curiosity, WLWT News 5 Anchor Steven Albritton checked his filter, which hadn’t been changed in about six months. This is what he found:

Allison Rogers   

Meteorologist

“In my country, we have two parties. The stupid party, of which I am a member, and the evil party, which we oppose vehemently. Sometimes my party wins, in which case we get lots of stupid legislation. Sometimes the other party wins, in which case we get lots of evil legislation. Occasionally, the parties act together in what we call ‘bipartisanship, ‘ in which case we get legislation which is both evil and stupid.”

Nothing better than cuddling with a friend.

A couple of thoughts

Real friends are those who, when you feel you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

Before you ask why someone hates you, ask yourself why you even care.

It’s just a short jump to the castle…

Being a typical blowhard Narcissistic, Dennis thinks he is such the Mountain Man and Hunter. When I went to Wyoming to see him he started in bragging to me about it all. He told me about all the Elk hunting, all the Moose hunting and Deer and everything else he has hunted. Then he said “I even hunted bear last year, I bet you never hunted bear have you?” I said “no, but one time I went fishing in just my shorts!”

Frieda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.

“I’ve tasted fresher fish,” said Frieda.

“Not in here,” replied the waiter.

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. 

As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, “Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!” 

“I know,” replied Bernie, “but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.” 

“That’s great,” the Rabbi said. “I’m glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.” 

“Yep,” Bernie said proudly, “Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four.” 

Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.”

Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women.  Boys turn into bigger boys.

Suddenly, a cow runs out onto the road, and the limo driver hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, “You get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving.”

Boy, I know I do!

If the FBI can ID you at a protest in another country with facial recognition but can’t catch a person stashing coke at the white house with 700 cameras…Does anyone actually buy this crap?!

Men in the 1940’s lied about their age so they could go and help fight in WWII.

Men in 2023 lie about their gender so they can win medals in women’s sports.

Aren’t they so proud!!

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

“So things get larger when they get hot, do they?” he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.) “Yes,” I said, “that’s why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.”

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. “You know, I always wondered about that,” he said.

If Tarzan and Jane had been Italian, what would Cheeta have been? 

A:   The other woman.


If Tarzan and Jane had been Jewish, what would Cheeta have been?

A:   A fur coat.


If Tarzan and Jane had been Polish, what would Cheeta have been?

A:   A gifted child

HEY!!!!

Two Puns from Joe from NJ………..

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
That’s right…Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But, you probably have not heard of herbivore.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins.

So, here’s a short email from Leah D.

The chicken dinner chocolate bars reminded me:

I am watching the 1883 series of the Dutton family.  

Last night, the covered wagons came to a mostly tent city.  

When a cowboy, left to watch the cattle, was asked if there was anything he wanted from the town, he asked for a chocolate bar.

My mind did a ‘wait a minute . . . ‘.  I looked it up today:

In 1847, British chocolatier J.S. Fry and Sons created the first chocolate bar molded from a paste made of sugar, chocolate liquor and cocoa butter. Swiss chocolatier Daniel Peter is generally credited for adding dried milk powder to chocolate to create milk chocolate in 1876.

When were chocolate bars first sold in America?
Hershey, who had made his fortune in caramels, saw the potential for chocolate. He installed chocolate machinery in his factory in Lancaster, and produced his first chocolate bars in 1894. 

So, was that just a joke Kevin Costner played?  Or are the writers that dumb?

Good catch Leah.  I know I wouldn’t have caught that!

Great and good are seldom the same man.

-Thomas Fuller (1608 – 1661)

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft……………

Today, it’s called golf.

Mom got mad at Dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.

“Ten!” he hollered, “What could any woman want with ten new dresses??”

My mom calmly replied, “Ten new pairs of shoes.”

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, “You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

That’s it dear friends.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.