Well, it’s Monday…at least it is when you’re reading this.  It’s actually Thursday when I’m writing this and I haven’t left home yet.  When you’re reading this I arrived in Colorado Springs yesterday and since I’ve already got this issue planned out, this would have allowed me to maybe post a couple of pictures or given you guys an update on what has happened so far.  Not sure if I was able to do that or not, since it hasn’t happened yet, but it would be cool to get the regular issues posted ahead of time and then post some real time issues in between as things are going on, to let you guys know what’s up.  I’ll see if I can’t do that as time permits.  Like I might have mentioned already.  Lots of classified “Secret Squirrel” stuff going on.  For you younger crowd out there: 

 In 1965, Hanna-Barbera produced a sendup of spy flicks, which starred a squirrel wearing a trench coat. The cartoon was, of course, “Secret Squirrel.” For whatever reason—pleasing alliteration, most likely—the military adopted the phrase, and service members began applying it to all things classified

Anyway, that’s the layout.  So, let’s get on with the show, shall we?  We’ll probably talk more as we go on…

I’m pretty sure that loses something in translation.

Yeah, that one, too.

I overheard a friend telling his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.”

“What is she doing?” the pal asked.

“Waiting for me to get home.”

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada.

The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by.

“Och, whut’s thaaat?” he said.

His Canadian friend looked out and said, “Oh, that’s a moose.”

“Och! If thaaat’s a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?”

Personal Ads from Men 

What they really mean… 

* 40-ish… 52 and looking for 25-year-old 

* Athletic… Sits on the couch and watches ESPN 

* Average-looking… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back 

* Educated… Will always treat you like an idiot 

* Free Spirit… Sleeps with your sister 

* Friendship First… As long as friendship involves nudity 

* Fun… Good with a remote and a six-pack 

* Huggable… Overweight, more body hair than a bear 

* Like to cuddle…. Insecure, overly dependent 

* Open-minded… Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested 

* Physically fit… I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself 

* Poet… Has written on a bathroom stall 

* Spiritual… Once went to church with my grandmother on Easter Sunday 

* Stable… Occasional stalker, but never arrested 

* Thoughtful… Says “Please” when demanding a beer! 

Because he is adorable!!!

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. 

His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn’t want to miss a single one of his words. 

One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew’s bar mitzvah. 

Because he didn’t want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi’s sermon. 

In that way, he could listen to it when he got back. 

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. 

They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football. 

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi’s sermon. 

The Rabbi got wise to this. 

So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. 

His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi’s pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. 

This was believed to be the first incidence in history of “artificial insermonation.”

Boy, you can get an award for just about anything nowadays.

I rest my case.

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. 

“How was the exam?” asked his father.

“They asked quite a lot of ‘fill in the missing letter’ questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn’t good enough to get accepted,” the boy replied. 

“Well in that case I better take that exam myself,” the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. 

“How was the exam?” asked his son.

“They asked quite a lot of ‘fill in the missing letter’ questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one.” 

“Gee, Dad. Which question was that?”

“The question was…”, started the father, “What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?” 

“That’s easy”, the son replied. “The answer is pulse.”

“Oh, hell,” said the father,” I got that one wrong as well.”

This one is actually pretty cool to watch.  I have a personal deep interest in submarines…I don’t know why, but I do, so I found this especially interesting.  Thanks to Joe from NJ for sharing it with us:

“Darn it!  There’s always someone trying to take pictures when I’m trying to bathe!”

Now that I’m over 50 my Doctor says I should go out and get more fresh air and exercise.

I said … All right. I’ll drive with the car window down.

Me neither…

Personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just Buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening. 

It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night. 

So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. 

To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door. 

A female voice called out, “I won’t be a minute, darling.”

Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him — obviously as usual. 

Last evening, which would have been last Thursday night for you guys, Joe and I discovered something.  We don’t know if it’s intermittent or all the time now or if it’s going to go away…BUT, hotmail addresses when writing to the impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com email address are getting bounced.  When I consulted my IT department about it, they said it wasn’t anything they could do about it, it was on hotmail’s side.  And I’m sure if we consulted hotmail, they would say that it was on WordPress and Titan Mail’s side.  So, the work around is, that any of you who are sending stuff to me with a hotmail address and having it bounce, just go back to what we used to do and send it to my old address, which is still active, and I still check and some of you still use at: 

impishdragon@gmail.com
or
impishdragon@hotmail.com

I’m pretty sure I have @yahoo.com also, but it’s been so long, I’m not sure that’s hooked up to anything anymore…so don’t use that one.  I used to have it @aol.com also…but when I dropped aol like 100 years ago, I also lost that one.  My goal was to have impishdragon@ every platform available and for awhile, it looked like I was going to do it…at least all the major ones, and then so many of them came about that it just became impossible to keep up, so I quit. 

Okay, PSA is over, back to the show.

You could make a case that that is VERY SERIOUS putty

And here is another very interesting YouTube from our brother Joe

One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination.

After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage around Johnny’s arm.

“I think you’d better bandage around the other arm, doc!” asked Little Johnny.

“But, why? I’m supposed to bandage around the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it.”

“You really don’t know anything about how my friends behave!”

If a madman wants to kill innocent people he will always find a way. 
Madmen and killers don’t need guns to kill people.
Timothy McVeigh used fertilizer.
The 911 terrorists used box cutters and airplanes.
The Nazis used cynanide gas…
Taking guns from innocent people will not protect those innocent people. 
The problem is NOT guns. 
The problem is a Godless society.

We need to quit looking for intelligent life on Mars and look to see if there is any intelligent life in Washington D.C.

You sure can’t prove it to this Dragon!!!

You can change your clothes and powder your nose, but in the end your Maker knows.  A man can’t be a woman, and a woman can’t be a man, pretend all you want, but “you am” what “you am.”

They’re all a bunch of Chicken Littles

Perhaps they should look at forgiving medical debt for cancer patients instead of student loans.  Education is a choice, cancer is not.

Can I get an Amen to that?

NO IT DOES NOT!!  IT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT GIVING UP YOUR RIGHTS ANYWHERE IN THAT GLORIOUS DOCUMENT!  SO WHY ARE WE BEING FORCED TO?  AND WHY ARE WE SO ANXIOUSLY ACQUIESCING??? 

Yeah……and nobody cared……and the rest of us cried……

The day is coming, my dear friends.  You will be forced to choose.  I pray, every single day, that my friends and fellow campers will all be on the right side of the decisions that are going to have to be made.

Nooooooo!!!!!!

Poor Rabbit.  He was always the only sane one in the bunch.

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply “XX”. 

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. 

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. “Mr. Schwartz,” said the banker, “I need to ask you about this check. We weren’t sure you had really signed it. All these years you’ve been signing your checks ‘XX’, but we just got one that was signed with three XXX’s…” 

Mr. Schwartz answered, “No problem, my friend. It’s just that since I’ve become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.” 

One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied John, “you just cook better now.”

Since we’ve already gotten a bunch of YouTubes on here today, I’m going to go ahead and add another one.  This one was send in (kind of) by Sasquatch.  A huge friend of the show (see what I did there?) and I immediately fell in love with this song.  Now, you have to understand something.  I am NOT a country music fan.  That was my dear Mary’s forte.  So, when I downloaded this song to my phone and added it to my playlist for rotation during driving and lawn mowing and stuff for when I’m not listening to pod casts, this song now has the unique distinction of being the ONLY country song on Impish Dragon’s phone and play list.  So, sit back and get ready to listen to: 

As a matter of fact, I started playing it while I’m typing it.  I might even have to check out some of his other stuff.  Thanks to you my friend Sasquatch for showing me something new.

This is an old one, but I like it so much that I’m going to rerun it again here.  It shows ingenuity, hard work, outside the box thinking, and all those other buzzwords.  

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but wasn’t getting many. 

Then he discovered the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing by the road with a hand-painted sign which read, “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.

Now Joe says this one is an old classic, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it before…and I’m an old classic, so…

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method.

That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said.

Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method.

After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don’t have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, “Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one. 

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn’t help but notice the size of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. 

“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.” 

“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?” 

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. 

“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return. 

“He said, ‘Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?'”

Here are some “Facts” from brother Joe

If at first you don’t succeed you are running about average.

Life is the ultimate IQ test.

The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can’t be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.

Questions pile up at a much faster rate than the answers.

One cannot have too large a party.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

My first rule of a happy marriage: It’s better to be happy than right.

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

 

And again, thanks to Joe, here are some Broadcasting bloopers…

Broadcast Bloopers

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s come in his shorts.”

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed: “I had a good eight inches last night.”

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: “This year’s hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one.”

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”

RICHARD Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: “Ah, ‘erection’, let’s see it up please Carol.”

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: “You’re a bit of a knockers man.”   “Yes,” he replied. “I’ve come across quite a few in my time.”

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:  “Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: “Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room.”

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?”

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.”

STEVE Cram covering the men’s 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: “Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him.”

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: “That’s enough Dick for both of you.”

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: “This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen.”

BEST TILL LAST

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”

I have GOT to remember that one.  And with that, I’ve got another one locked away for next week.  I might be able to get one more done before I leave.  We’ll have to see.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again, my friends and remember…

Wow! I can’t imagine anyone who has to fly for a living!! What a complete and total cluster! I left home at 0400 for my 0800 flight. It takes an hour and a half to get to the airport and even with road construction the whole way, I still made it in an hour and a half because I was about the only person on the road at the ridiculous time of the morning.

So I got to the airport with 2 1/2 hours to spare. Then from my car to the gate took a little over an hour!! And they said they were slow on Sunday morning!!

I will say they know their job well.

Then my boarding pass had no seat assignment, even though I picked one when I was ticketed over a week ago. It just said “see agent”. She laughed, gave me a NEW boarding pass with a much different seat than I had the first time. Better seat. Window. Closer to the front.

Okay, well I tried to add an image and it didn’t work. I’ll have to check on that. For now, I’ll post this and talk to you guys soon.

Cheers

Impish

God Bless you all

And now I’m starting on Saturday’s issue.  I’m back to being pretty far ahead again, so I’m not really sure what I should be saying right now.  So, I’m going to leave the opening statements go for right now and jump into the laffs and see if maybe I can come back to this later.  If, on Saturday, you are actually reading these words because they are still here, then I apologize because either I forgot to come back and fix them or I ran out of time.  Either way …

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

An electrician didn’t get home until after 2am.  His wife asked, “Wire you insulate?”

He replied, “Watts it to you, I’m ohm, aren’t I?” …

Not saying it’s really hot, but I was sweating so much I hydroplaned off the toilet seat and landed in the bath tub.

Like surfboarding, but much more fun!!!

The police were at a crime scene.  The only thing found was a nose.

They’re calling it, nobody knows.

My wife and I both order stuff from the same Amazon account.

We’re Prime-mates

Where did the IT guy go?

He probably ransomeware.

“It was him!  He was the dirty beast that did this to me!”

WELL…Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally affected me financially.  In order to offset the extra cost for food, electricity, etc.  I have a need to make some extra money on the side…it is what it is.  So here’s to my new venture.

I am now proud to announce that I am selling ADULT TOYS.  I hope no one will feel embarrassed to ask for them.  I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs.  I can send pictures and dimensions etc.  Just ask.  Discretion is guaranteed!!  Ask for your anytime.  I have everything listed below: 

-Walkers
-Wheelchairs
-Oxygen tanks
-Walking sticks
-Adult diapers
-Teeth glue
-Heating glue
-Heating pads and more

What did the horse say after tripping in a pothole?

Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

Mike:  Hey buddy, what’s wrong? 

Paddy:  Just had a big fight with the wife.  That woman fights for no frickin’ reason at all. 

Mike:  Why? What happened? 

Paddy:  We were both very excited and were just about to start having sex.  She removed her jeans and then her top, when I asked, “Why are you wearing your sister’s bra?” 

And that’s how the fight started.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chuck Norris walks into a bar. 

The bar says, “Ouch”

It’s got to be a government board.  When I first joined the Air Force in 1977, they were in the process of enforcing the “Paperwork Reduction Act of 1976”.  This paperwork reduction act actually added one additional piece of paper to every set of aircraft forms on the flightline.  Perfect government sense.

We’ve probably all been the recipient of a butt-dial before.  Usually, it’s nothing particularly concerning unless the sound of the inside a purse or a sports bar happy hour is terrifying to you.  But for a man identified only as “Elijah,” he fired off one of the unluckiest butt-dials in history as far as both recipients and content are concerned.  He unknowingly dialed 911, where the operator then heard him playing the video game Rainbow Six: Siege, as he barked triumphantly into his headset that he’d “killed two.”

A couple minutes later, Elijah was treated to some real life CQB experience as a SWAT team showed up at his house investigating what they thought might have been a double homicide.  Luckily, once they realized that the only murder he’d ever committed was virtual in service of video-game objectives, everyone was left unharmed.

WHAT!?!?  To the point that doctors have to WARN people NOT TO DO THIS!?  

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

Why would anyone let their little girls go see that movie?

I just switched my “20 year Home Mortgage” to a “Student Loan.”

Follow me for more financial advice.

When someone suggests that I should “remember January 6th” I “remember gas was $2.19 a gallon!”

Instead of electric cars, I think we should bring back the electric chair.  It would solve more problems.

You think the media isn’t prejudiced?  Explain these figures:

It’s not a Booster!
It’s the 4th Shot of a Product That Already Failed Three Times

Just think!
If both the baseball teams worked together, they could score so many more points!!

I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper. 

He asked me what a hamper was.

I told him, “You know, where we put our clothes before we wash them.”

He got a big smile on his face, grabbed all his dirty clothes and threw them on the floor of my bedroom…but, on his daddy’s side of the bed.

Jon and I were sitting on the porch chatting last night when the subject turned to getting older and Jon said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.” “What do you mean?” I asked “Well,” he replied, “I can barely remember the last time I was able to get ‘excited in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!” I said, “Healthier? How is that?” He paused and then related, “Years ago, when we were both younger, almost every night before we went to bed she’d get these terrible headaches, and now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”

I have questions

Still…still, I have questions.

I remember the day after my son was born, I walked in the hospital room and they were changing his diaper. I looked at him and exclaimed ” man, Teri look at the size of his willy, it’s huge!” “I know, Pete” she replied…..”But at least he’s got your ears.”

That’s actually a pretty cool idea.  Weird, but cool.

After our honeymoon, I told Teri, I felt like a new man. She said she did, too.

 

Stephanie sent that one in and said that, “actually someone yelled at my husband, ‘BLASPHEMY!'” 

Feeling sick, my sister Lisa grabbed the thermometer from Mom’s drawer and popped it into her mouth.

“Uh, Lisa, that’s the dog’s thermometer” Mom yelled.

Lisa spit it out “Ewww, that was in Molly’s mouth?!”

Mom hesitated before replying, “Not exactly.”

Learn the ropes….

To understand how an organization works. It has a Nautical origin, where sailors had to learn which rope raised which sail.

To The Bitter End….

This phrase has come to mean the end of one’s endurance.The “bitt” is a post at a ship’s prow to which the end of an anchor’s cable is fastened. If all the anchor cable has been let out, you have come to the bitter end.

Pay Through the Nose….

When the Vikings invaded ninth century Britain, they brought with them their violent customs and imposed strict tax laws on the locals. (Aye, and you thought it was a scheme thought up by our current Government) any citizen refusing to pay would either have his nostrils slit open or his nose cut off. Only when English king Eldred beat Viking leader Eric Bloodaxe in 954 at the battle of Stainmore did the practice stop. However the phrase remained to imply paying dearly for something through the nose.

Keep your pecker up….

Remain cheerful. This is the English pecker, i.e. mouth, as opposed to the American, i.e. penis.

Kick the bucket …..

Die. The wooden frame that slaughtered animals were hung from is known as a bucket. The death spasms of the animals caused them to kick the bucket.

This little guy, pictured above is on his way to my house.  He is a gift, being sent to me by our own Stephen B.  You have seen his carvings here before.  And now, I am the beneficiary of his artistic skills.  All I can say, and say as publicly as I know how, is thank you very much.  Stephen, you are way too kind to this old dragon.

From here, nothing else seems anywhere near as important, so let’s jump into the laffs.

Most snakes crawl on the ground, but there are some snakes that walk upright and speak English.

I’m gonna quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!

I estimate I’ll be home again around 10pm this evening.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.  Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That’s how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice-versa.  These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1.  Liberals.

2.  Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called “vegetarians” which was an early human word meaning “bad hunter”) learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.  This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women while others became known as girlie-men.  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note:  many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals.  Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.  It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.  And that’s okay, we understand.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and also to just irritate a bunch of liberals. 

And there you have it.  Let your next action reveal your true self, personally, I’m going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!

Being VERY familiar with Border Collies, this is not near as far fetched as it looked.

“I want to know who the little brats are who are making so much noise this early in the morning!  I will eat them myself, one by bloody one!!!!”

Stephen B sent this one to us:

Who doesn’t remember Howard Cosell saying “Down goes Frasier, Down goes Frasier” in the Ali Frasier fight?

Check out these two videos on the Gardians vs the White Sox.

First video announcer says, “Down goes Anderson, Down goes Anderson”!

Second video shows the punch and how Anderson got stunned and fell down like he was KO’d.

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone. Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. 

One wizard told the King, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

Answer below ↓

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

M&Ms of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What on earth were you thinking?

 

I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 horsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15. 1000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

Companions forever.

Okay, this is something special.  My good friend, brother, and someone who I’ve come to count on for special stuff and good conversation.  There are a couple of you out there.  Joe sent me this and it hit me really hard.  There are some GREAT Words of Wisdom here.

Words of Wisdom

• Compliment three people every day.  This can never go wrong.  One of the greatest way to lead people is to catch them doing something right and them tell them about it.

• Watch the sunrise at least once a year.   More.  Watch other things of God’s making.  And then thank Him for that.  

• Be the first to say, “Hello.”

• Live beneath your means.  It is ALWAYS better to not live above your means.  Live as far beneath your means as you can. 

• Treat everyone like you want to be treated.  Matthew 22:39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  And there is a reason that is the second great commandment behind loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind.  You can NEVER go wrong with treating someone the way YOU would want to be treated.  Putting yourself in their position and reacting in the way you think they would want you to react.

• Never give up on anybody.  Miracles happen.

• Forget the Joneses.  If you are worried about what the neighbors think or trying to outdo them, you already are wrong.

• Never deprive someone of hope.  It may be all he has.

• Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.  That is wonderful advise at any time.

• Be tough-minded but tenderhearted.

• Be kinder than necessary.  Always

• Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.  This is very important to remember.

• Keep your promises.  At all costs!!

• Learn to show cheerfulness, even when you don’t feel like it.  A real smile goes so much further than anything else you can give.

• Remember that overnight success usually takes about 15 years.

• Leave everything better than you found it.  This will leave you with a GREAT reputation

• Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do.

• When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone’s day.

• Don’t rain on other people’s parades.

• Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.  Always great advice.

Thanks Joe!

Most snakes crawl on the ground, but there are some snakes that walk upright and speak English.

My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this!… 

Her:  You know that Gladiator movie that I got you? 

Me:  Yeah 

Her:  Wind it forward one hour, 16 minutes, and 28 seconds. 

Me:  Right, I’ve done that. 

Her:  Okay, you see that gladiator at the front fighting the lion? 

Me:  I can see that, yeah. 

Her:  Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other! 

Me:  Okay, I see them. 

Her:  Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a woman gladiator holding a spear.  

Me:  Yes!  I can see her! 

Her:  Right…!  Those are the Sandals I want for my birthday.

Fact Of The Day:

US President for Only 32 Days

William Henry Harrison was the ninth United States President and his term of office lasted for only 32 days, from March 4, 1841 to April 4, 1841.  Harrison gave a nearly two hour speech at his inauguration on March 4.  It was a rainy and cold day.  Harrison chose to ride on horseback and wore neither an overcoat nor a hat.  Thirty-two days later, he died of pneumonia.

That’s so sad…

I’m gonna quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!

I estimate I’ll be home again around 10 pm this evening…

We really picked a bad generation to start a World War III…they can’t even fight anxiety from being called by a wrong pronoun.

Yeah, that one’s been around for a LOOONNNGGG time.  But it is so worth repeating.

This is such an important question.  Why are we not shouting this from the rooftops?  At all the congressional and senatorial meetings?  Why are we not holding these idiots accountable? 

Crazy how Florida is hotter than California but Florida has electricity.

Lucky for me I don’t have enough friends for an intervention.

Fact Of The Day:

The Four Chicken McNuggets

Did you know there are four different shapes for the McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets?  Well now you do.  The four shapes are: Ball…Bell…Bone… and Boot.

The next time you dislike your life, remember it’s all about perspective.  I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time.  And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.

Mean people don’t bother me a bit.

Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me A LOT.

Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.

Where does Peter Pan like to eat out?

Wendy’s

My favorite allergy song is “Blowin’ in the Wind” by Peter Pollen Mary

My mate phoned me and said, “I’m in a quiz, could you help me?  What is the second largest State in America?”

I replied, “Texas.”

Thirty seconds later he sent a message to my phone saying: What’s the second largest State in America?!!

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils… they dilate.

And that’s it my friends.  I’m getting closer and closer to leaving for Colorado.  I hope I have an opportunity to carry on while I’m gone.  I’m leaving in the middle of the night Sunday morning. 

And by the way, our “Who’s the oldest and Who’s the youngest” contest is still going on.  Right now I’ve only gotten 4 entrants.  And if that’s all I get, then so be it.  Nobody has gone for the youngest yet.  I asked for 30 year-olds and nobody bit, so how about 40 year-olds?  Any takers? 

And in the mean time, May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

So, no complaints about Saturday’s issue being a crappy issue, so I guess you guys were satisfied with my super fast build.  Although somebody marked the email as spam and got me in trouble with Word Press.  They, of course, threatened to close down the website if I continued  to get “spam complaints” from people.  I wrote back to them and told them that the only people who were getting emails from my website were people who signed up to get email from my website.  If, after they signed up they then marked the email as spam then there wasn’t anything I could do about someone making a mistake or doing such things on purpose. 

I am now awaiting their response. 

Like a webserver is going to cut off someone who pays every year.  Sheesh.  But, I know that it was an automated email sent to me, but I am kinda curious to see if I get a response from them or not.

Anyway, it’s actually Saturday and I’m actually watching preseason football on TV. 

But Impish, didn’t you tell us that you cut off your TV service?

I did, as a matter of fact. But a buddy told me about a website called Streameast where ALL sports games are simulcast.  And I mean ALL sports games.  They have sports on there that I’ve never even heard of. 

So, I got to see the Colts get beat in their first pre-season game.  Which is one of the reasons that I don’t normally watch pre-season.  Most of the teams aren’t really trying, because they are too busy still checking out players under pressure.  So, they are putting in players and, more importantly, combinations of players, that they wouldn’t normally put in those situations.  And the Colts do that better (worse?) than a lot of other teams do.

But anyway, I digress and discuss silly stuff. 

My breakfast for Men’s Breakfast went very well.  It even came with a warning: 

Each batch, which was supposed to serve about ten people, but with those guys served about seven, had 15 eggs, 4 cups of cheese (3 different types), 1 lb. of thick cut bacon, 1lb. of sausage, and miscellaneous other stuff.  It went over pretty well.  Now, I just have to get 5 gazzillion things done this week before I leave for a week next week.  But, for now, let’s move on to the laughter, shall we? 

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “What a morning. I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs entering the subway. When I was on the ground two punks grabbed my wallet. I had to borrow subway fare from a stranger to get here.”

The boss responded, “And this took hour?”

Here’s one that’s really old and holds great meaning…

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming –WOW — What A Ride!

Queso = Spanish for cheese

K, so = Southern for here’s the plan and y’all probably ain’t gonna like it.

It’s good to keep a pet…ahhhh, but who is the pet and how is the owner.  Depends on which one you ask.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

People can have the same parents, live in the same house, and be raised by the same morals…but one still can be a crackhead and the other one a preacher, so you can’t say it was how somebody was raised.  It’s the decisions YOU choose to make!

Of all the things I lost, I miss my metabolism the most.

These new all body massage places are getting so high-tech!

Reading fiction is fun because for once the problems aren’t mine.

This is such an awesome cartoon

Heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, spleen, gall bladder, appendix. 

I thought you might appreciate my organ recital.

I bought my ex a chair, but the state won’t let me plug it in.

Me:  I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.

Boss:  You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.

I once got sent out of class at school for being too sarcastic.  The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?”

I replied, “Hello?”

Very few things upset my wife, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

Now that we know the grid is struggling to keep up with energy demands of a few hot days, it seems like the right time to evaluate the plan to plug in 25 million electric cars EVERY single night.

Weird how they found every Jan 6th participant…but no one knows who brought coke to the party.

I wish I lacked common sense.

They all seem so happy…

Vegan food ain’t that bad once you add meat and cheese to it…

Rest Your Mind

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies”, and “Pampers”. while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em, and Pamper’em.  When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit.

I TOLD MYSELF THAT I SHOULD STOP

DRINKING

BUT I’M NOT ABOUT TO LISTEN TO A DRUNK THAT TALKS TO HIMSELF

I was shocked to read in the papers today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed and I just thought to myself “How can anyone stoop so low?”

THE MOST TERRIFYING MOMENT IN LIFE IS WHEN THE TOILET REFUSES TO FLUSH AT SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE.

Do you ever get the urge to start organizing and then 2 hours later you’re just looking around at a mess like…

what the heck have I done?

Hired a handy man and gave him a list.
When I got home, only #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs! 

And that is it for today.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.