I gotta tell you, first thing, out of the gate and I already have some people to thank for their donations!  You guys are something special.  I tell you what.  I mention, at the end of the last episode that it’s time for everyone to start thinking about throwin’ ole Impish the price of a cup of joe and before the electrons are even cold, you guys start tossin’ money around.  So, let’s go…

William E. – first one out of the gate and your generosity is overwhelming, thank you, sir.
Donald G.          Henry S.          and some promises from others already.  Thank you all very much.  It is deeply appreciated. 

For those of you who may be new and don’t get what’s going on, one time a year, I ask for donations to pay the bills.  Once a year there are a couple of bills that come due to keep this thing running the way it does.  Pays for the website space at dragonlaffs.com and yes, I know that most of you get it in your email box, but there is an actual website you can go to that has years worth of Dragon Laffs.  And it’s called…wait for it … dragonlaffs.com.  I know, amazing, right?

ANYWAY, the website costs money and is ad free and I promised would remain so because, don’t we all just hate ads?  And I have to pay for the domain name every year, even if everyone KNOWS it should be mine, right?  And the deal was, so long as the campers paid the bills, it showed that I was still wanted/needed and I would continue to do this crazy thing that started like more than 20 years ago in it’s original format, but 17 years ago here.  That I  wouldn’t try to make money off of it, or beg for donations throughout the year.  One time a year, when the bills come due in September, and that’s it.

So now is the time folks.  Time to pitch in.  Or is this the year that will be the end of Dragon Laffs?  No, I’m not preaching doom and gloom, it’s only the second day for crying-out-loud, just laying it out there.  I had to say something, right?

Enough about that.  Thanks to you guys and on to the good stuff.  It’s already late and I have a full day tomorrow, so let’s get some laffs tucked under our belt so I feel like I’ve accomplished something tonight before I fall asleep behind this keyboard.

And here’s another oldie but goodie, but it’s not from Joe in NJ it’s from Lynn and it’s called the Cynical Philosopher…

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Now this next one is from Joe and it’s a pretty cool story…

https://youtube.com/shorts/Kfybvr4u2cs?si=7tkte-_2Z96BqY6n

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

“Hello?  Anybody?  Hello?  Has anyone lost this wood nymph thingy?  Hello?  Anybody?”

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”

The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.

The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”

Awww, that’s just mean.  Funny…but mean.

Pheromones are the natural chemicals found in animals, including humans, that the body uses to attract the opposite sex. Fragrances, such as perfumes, are detected by the Olfactory Glands in the nose, The presence of pheromones are picked up by the vomeronasal organ which is located in the nasal pit directly under the nose. When the vomeronasal organ is triggered by pheromones, it sends a signal to the brain that creates a subconscious increase in desire for persons of the opposite sex.

So why am I telling you about pheromones? Well, I’ve been getting a lot of junk email lately about miracle pheromone treatments that can help me attract persons of the opposite sex. Honestly, I am happily married and am not interested in attracting anyone to me other than my wife.  However, I didn’t think that the makers of “Primal Instinct” needed to know this fact when I sent them the following email:

Dear Sir/ Madam,

I recently purchased a bottle of “Primal Instinct,” your most popular pheromone product. At first I was rather impressed with the product as I noticed that women were giving me more attention from the very first time I used it. I am in the habit of joining my friends at a popular nightclub on weekends and I was in the habit of always carrying my bottle of “Primal Instinct” with me right up until a most unfortunate incident that occurred last Friday night.

I decided to use a little more than my usual amount of the pheromone product and the night started off well with several women asking me to dance shortly after my arrival at the club. I decided to up the dosage a little more and ventured to the men’s room to do just that.  Unfortunately, the entrance to the men’s room is a bit close to the sink and mirror area and my elbow was bumped by another patron as I was applying a liberal dosage of “Primal Instinct” to my neck region. As a result, the entire contents of the bottle spilled down the front of me.

This is when the nightmare began. I attempted to go from the bathroom to the bar by the straightest path, which just happened to be directly across the dance floor. I reached the midpoint of the dance floor when I noticed what seemed to be an odd glow emanating from all areas around me. It was when I stopped in the middle of the dance floor that I realized that the glow wasn’t a glow at all but was the whites of the eyes of seventy-five women. I realize now that I should never have stopped walking.

The ensuing stampede was the most frightening thing I have ever experienced. Women were coming at me from all sides and their intentions were not to ask me to dance. They began ripping my clothes from me and I was just lucky enough to be able to crawl out underneath them as they converged into a tangled mass in the center of the dance floor.

I slipped outside without being detected but the prevailing winds were evidently blowing towards the nearby women’s college. As I walked home, I could see the eyes of hundreds of women as they approached me through a forest pathway. As cars would pass and their headlights shone on the woods, it was like looking at a massive heard of deer. I picked up my pace but that only made me sweat, causing me to leave a pheromone vapor trail. It was like a fast motion version of “Night of the Living Dead” except these women weren’t interested in my brain. I was able to make it back to my house but the scratching at the door continued for most of the night.

When I purchased your product, it came with a money back guarantee if not completely satisfied. I am dissatisfied but not because your product attracted more women than I had anticipated and its not the fact that I had to explain to my wife why five hundred women were scratching at the door. I’m dissatisfied more or less because of the effects caused by my wife getting a whiff of the pheromone stuff and letting five hundred women into the house.

Please send one half of the refund to Mercy General Hospital. Send the other half to George Garth, my divorce attorney.

There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. 

But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc. 

This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene. 

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. 

“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him. 

“Oh, relax,” says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.” 

“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again. 

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. 

She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,”wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.” 

“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. 

One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it? 

You know that pathway that Thor takes to get back home?  Yeah?  Well, this ain’t nothin’ like that!

There are a blonde, brunette, and a redhead at a maternity ward. 

The redhead says she’s having a girl because when she had sex she was on top. 

The brunette says she’s having a boy because the guy was on top. 

The brunette and redhead notice the blonde starting to cry. 

They asked her what was wrong and she said, “I’m having puppies. 

Told my doctor that my morning exercise program where I bend down near my feet and stand up again hurts my back. She told me to stop doing them.

Told her it’s the only way I can put on my pants.

Here’s another good, informative video from Joe.  And if the rest of you find something that’s worth sharing with the rest of the class, by all means, send it along.

As our dear Stephanie put it… we’re so glad that Chicago has some of the most stringent Gun Control Laws in the country!  And here they are, evidenced hard at work!

Chicago TV news crew robbed at gunpoint while reporting on a string of robberies

I’m not going to bother you with the details here, you can read the news article for yourself right here: https://apnews.com/article/chicago-news-crew-robbed-while-reporting-6bac099937b2435254d558792ede9b7d

Jill was a knockout but alas, she also was virtually brainless.

Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as John’s plans for the evening were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed to come up to his apartment for a night cap.

As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Jill explored the apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a book title, she didn’t quite understand. Finally she stopped dead in front of his fireplace.

“What on earth is that?” she asked pointing to a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.

“Oh, that. It’s African,” he replied. “They use them in their fertility rites. It’s a phallic symbol.”

“Oh, I see.” stated Jill demurely. “I’d hate to tell you what it looks like!”

Morris Epstein was taking an oral exam applying for US citizenship.

He was asked to spell “cultivate”. He spelled it correctly.

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence.

He brightened up and said, “Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”

Morris passed

Bud Light has dropped to 14th in America
Sound of Freedom just hit $100M at the Box Office.
“Try That In A Small Town” is the #1 song on iTunes.
Disney lost $900M+ on their last 8 releases.

The silent majority is real.

Campers, if you have not figured out that this is an invasion, that we are AT WAR…then I am very, very surprised at you.  Groups of military aged Chinese men, all wearing similar backpacks, crossing our southern border, several times a day…, known terrorists being caught at the border, how many are getting through?  It is not just Mexicans and South Americans coming across.  This is an invading military force.

The man has no integrity.  None.

None at all.

Our buddy Joe from NJ has some weird friends…

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.  She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

Also from Joe:

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I’m kinda with him on that one.

Every home should have one … can anyone tell me why?

That is so weird

Clerk in flower shop: “Sorry, we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets?”

Customer (sadly):  “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

Here’s an oldie, but goodie…and a quickie…

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”

I agree 100%!!!  Whoever invented those things should be hung by them!!!

There was a major sale at Victoria’s Secret and Thorn wanted to get his wife some really sexy lingerie. 

The store was packed with women for this big sale and before he knew it, Thorn was pushed and shoved by frantic women all trying to get at the merchandise. 

Thorn remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively and plowed through the crowd of women.

“Hey you!”, an angry female voice yelled out at him, “Try acting like a gentleman!”.

“That’s what I HAVE BEEN doing,” Thorn retorted, “But since that isn’t working out for me, I’m gonna now act like you ladies!”

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of Morrisons Store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure!  Just go straight down this street and at the end turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new minister in town.  I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday.  I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle.  “Awww, come on… You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

There was a Roman Emperor who never aged after he turned 19.

His name was Constant Teen.

And that’s it my friends.  Thank you all for your contributions to today’s issue.  Thank you for the wonderfully kind words that I’ve been getting in email and comments. And thank you again for the very generous donations that have come in so far to help pay the bills.  There’s only a small window for you guys to help me out, it doesn’t take much from each of you.  The price of a cup of coffee is all I’m looking for.  You can go to the top of the right hand column on the web page at dragonlaffs.com and click on the donation button or paragraph or whatever it is and that will take you right to the PayPal account where you can donate.  If you’d rather not donate through paypal you can do Zelle or send a check by emailing me and I can give you the instructions for that privately since I’d rather not blast that out over the interwebz for everyone to see.  And of course the best way to get ahold of me is impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com or impishdragon@gmail.com.

Have a wonderful weekend my friends.  Hopefully you will hear back from me on Monday.  Until then, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness.

Welcome to Thursday.  I’m running SO FAR behind.  Today (Monday) was my first day back to work.  I was gone for five days, right?  I mean, I didn’t imagine it was five days and it was really 35 days. 

[Checking calendar]

Nope.  5 days. 

I swear I had enough missed messages and emails, that you’d think I was gone a month.  I caught up on the important stuff, but haven’t even filed my travel voucher yet.

And then I finally get back to REALLY get back to my emails here and you guys have been GREAT!  I’ve got a gazillion emails to go through with enough material to keep me going for eons.  Well, maybe there’s a tiny bit of exaggeration going on there, but you get my point.  And even a couple of comments from a new guy…

Weird Temperatures

 After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?” “In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

Hey guys, Aussie Pete has a really special request for all of us.  I think we ought to do our best to help our brother out.

“Guys, pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible……

He said he’s an eighth theist.”

And this one comes from Friend of The Show Stephen B…

Thanks to George for this one…(click on “wing suiter meets his maker”)

Another wingsuit skydiver dies.   It’s unbelievable what these guys will try.

WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER

When we battle, even Nature reacts!

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his office and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. . . . He claims he’s invisible.”

The psychiatrist responded, ” O.K.,Tell him I can’t see him.”

A Public Service Message For Women To Better Understand The Male

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t, know where to start.”  We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.”  For all I know, these are the same thing.  And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If it has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.  (Though one time I was able to survive, by holding a calculator.)

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2023, I will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

I don’t know…I got nothing…but it is cool, right?

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

A man started to snore in his seat at the opera. “Please stop your snoring,” the usher pleaded. “You are disturbing the others.”

“Look, buddy,” the man said angrily, “I paid for this seat and I’ll do whatever I want.”

“Yes, sir,” replied the usher. “But you are keeping everybody awake.”

Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market.

It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern day Scrooge.

One day, during the winter, the lake froze over. The peddler realized he could cut two miles off his trip if he crossed over the lake.

He was spotted halfway across the frozen water by the tycoon, who came out of his mansion screaming.

“Get off my lake!” he yelled. I’ll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!”

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.

None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.

He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.”

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me … your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

Not only would I vote for the potato, I’d contribute to the potato’s campaign.

IF GUN OWNERS WERE AS CRAZY AS THE ANTI-GUN ADVOCATES CLAIM, THERE WOULD BE NO ANTI-GUN ADVOCATES LEFT.

A woman walked into a pet store.

“I haven’t got much money”, she told the clerk, “so I’d like to know if you’ve got any kittens you’ll let go cheap”.

“I’d let them, Ma’am.” said the clerk, “but they prefer to meow.”

Our dear Nursey friend Marsha sent me this…

I love Arron Lewis…never met him, but you know what I mean. Started with Am I The Only One..listen when you get time…I have changed some of the words to it though depending on where I’m at…am I the only one that can fill the ice cube trays or change the toilet paper role… if at work there is restock supplies, etc. Also like the new guy…something Anthony…I Want To Go Home….

Music is what keeps me sane, if this counts as sane.

Marsha.

I’ve listened to some of his music and, although it’s not really my thing, I do like what he has to say.  And yeah, Marsha, knowing what you do for a living, I’m not taking the high/low on sanity for you dear friend.

The Truth Behind Men’s Phrases

“Haven’t I seen you before?”

“Nice ass.”

 

“I’m a Romantic.”

“I’m poor.”

 

“I need you.”

“My hand is tired.”

 

“I am different from all the other guys.”

“I am not circumcised.”

 

“I want a commitment.”

“I’m sick of masturbation.”

 

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”

“You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

 

“I really want to get to know you better.”

“So I can tell my friends about it.”

 

“It’s just orange juice, try it.”

“Three more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

 

“She’s kinda cute.”

“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

 

“I don’t know if I like her.”

“She won’t sleep with me.”

 

“I miss you so much.”

“I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”

 

“Was it good for you?”

“I’m insecure about my manhood.”

 

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”

“Is my penis really that small?”

 

“I had a wonderful time last night.”

“Who the hell are you?”

 

“Do you love me?”

“I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

 

“Do you ‘really’ love me?”

“I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

 

“How much do you love me?”

“I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

 

“I have something to tell you.”

“Get tested.”

 

“I’ll give you a call.”

“I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”

“You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

 

“I think we should just be friends.”

“You’re ugly.”

 

“I’ve learned a lot from you.”

“Next!!!!”

 

“I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”

“I gotta turn on my answering machine.”

 

All I can say for this next one is, Joe, you should be ashamed of yourself!

There’s a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is known around the world for producing the finest stationery and paper anywhere. You want wine, you go to France; you want big waves to surf, you go to southern California; you want good paper, you go to Pfilzerplatz.

Anyway, nearby Munich had a growing problem — the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and were beginning to overrun the city. So the higher-ups of Munich organized a new department to get rid of the dogs. Soon enough, they had chased all of the dogs out of the city. No one knew where they went — they just went away.

A couple of days after the dogs disappeared from Munich, they appeared in Pfilzerplatz. And because Pfilzerplatz is so much smaller than Munich, the town was soon totally overrun with the dogs. So the town’s mayor decided that the town should be evacuated.

Everyone left the town, thus shutting down the paper mills. Well, a couple of days later, the townsfolk were watching the town from the hills, and they saw smoke rising from the smokestacks at the paper mills. Knowing that there weren’t any humans left in the town, they knew it was the dogs running the factories. And so the mayor rushed off to Munich, found Munich’s mayor and announced:

“You’ve got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!”

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle”?

“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”

“Not a chance!” replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So, the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and yells, “I win!”

And now…

…it’s time to bring up my pretty much most unfavorite time of the year.  And I didn’t even realize that it had come around until I got a warning from WordPress.  Seems that the bills are coming due and it’s that time of the year again for me to ask for your guys help.  So, to the part that I hate, I am now soliciting donations to help keep this site ad free.  So, for the month of September, consider donating a cup of coffee to Dragon Laffs.  If you think it’s worth it, you guys will cover the bills.  I do the work, you guys pay the bills.  That’s the way the deal works.  You will let me know when you no longer feel like it’s worth it.  And that’s when I’ll hang it up.  Until then and so long as you guys are still happy. 

Anyway, you guys get the idea.  It’s time to give if you want to.  And until the next time we meet.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.   

I’m back!  Thank God!  It was an interesting week, but a LONG week.  And my trip home was a nightmare.  Most of the week was spent in class that would have really been better spent by my military guys being there.  Not that I didn’t get a lot out of the week.  It was very interesting and enlightening, but it would have been much easier for my military supervisor to bring back the small amount of civilian information that I needed to me, than me bring back the huge amount of military information that I now have for him…if you get what I’m saying.

But Friday, we got to go to the place in the header.  The Cheyenne Mountain Complex.  Now THAT was way cool.  The amazing work that went into that place is totally mind blowing.  And nothing at all that I can talk about.  LOL!  But trust me, it was neat!

Anyway, back and you guys missed an issue and I’m sorry for that, but you know as well as I do that crap happens.  We all get it.  So, let’s get back on track and I’ll continue to give you guys the best that I can.

An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.  During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied, “You know, I don’t know.  I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.”

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices?  Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

I came out of the shower and my 4 year-old said, “Oh mummy, not your boobies again.”

So I told her she’d have boobies when she grows up and she said, “No I won’t because when I grow up I’ll be a flamingo.”

Well, that looks like a city to me.

“Now wait!  Hang on a second!  Can’t we talk this out?”

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child.  What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.  It is unopened by well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me…hide it under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go  first.  The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go.” 

I wonder if strippers look forward to getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

“Hey!  Nothing to see here!  Mind your own business!  Keep moving!”

Had an adult male patient who needed a Foley Catheter.  His mother was in the room, and they live together in the backwoods of Tennessee.  I informed them both of the order for a catheter, how it works, and why it was needed.  His mother stated, “Well, he’s still a virgin, and I’m not sure I’m comfortable with his virginity being taken in a hospital.”

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

Ancestral Mathematics

In order to be born, you needed:

2 parents
4 grandparents
8 great-grandparents
16 second great-grandparents
32 third great-grandparents
64 fourth great-grandparents
128 fifth great-grandparents
256 sixth great-grandparents
512 seventh great-grandparents
1,024 eighth great-grandparents
2,048 ninth great-grandparents

For you to be born today from 12 previous generations, you needed a total of 4,094 ancestors over the last 400 years.

Think for a moment — How many struggles?  How many battles?  How many difficulties?  How much sadness?  How much happiness?  How many love stories?  How many expressions of hope for the future?  — did your ancestors have to undergo for you to exist in this present moment… right here … right now… reading this? 

So…somewhere around the year 1560, God decides He’s going to make you, and to do that, he needs those 4,094 of your ancestors to line up JUST right…ain’t that something…

Although

Honestly

It was all decided much longer ago than that.

I have questions

Guys, close your eyes.

Imagine you have a daughter.

Imagine she is dating a guys just like you.

Did you smile?

No?

Then Change!

Always work on two projects at once.  That way you can procrastinate on project A by messing around on project B, and when you get tired of project B you can waste time by working on project A.  You will be twice as productive while doing nothing but procrastinate.

I had some snotty teenager (14/15 or so) screech at me for “misgendering” her.  I leaned in, took a very deep and loud sniff, looked her dead in the eyes and said, “nope, I can smell your estrogen and see your rather large breasts.  You are all woman.” And she flipped out!  They absolutely loathe it when someone doesn’t play into their fantasy.

This one was forwarded to me by Steve.  Thanks brother.

Biden Admin Giving Illegals $2,200 Per Month Welfare
Only $1,400 to US Retirees

For National Release: August 22, 2023

Army Colonel Douglas Macgregor’s interview with Tucker Carlson reveals many lies and deceptions aimed at the American public about the war in Ukraine and the Biden-Harris border disaster, where unprecedented numbers of illegals are flooding America with expectations for them to vote for Democrats in 2024.

The full video of the MacGregor-Carlson interview is available on Twitter (HERE), YouTube (HERE), and many other platforms.

While the interview focuses on the illegal war US elites are conducting against Russia in Ukraine, Colonel Macgregor mentions the invasion of America here at home, stating at 26:05 in the video…

“A person who works all his life and then tries to draw on social security can expect a monthly payment of probably $1,400 if they’re lucky. We hand every alleged asylum seeker illegal migrant pouring into the border in Texas… we hand them $2,200, and we put them on that 2200 dollar diet from there on out per month! Yet, somebody who works all his life… retires, and draws social security gets $1,400. The Afghans who were hanging on to the planes… they receive $2,200 per month.“

ALIPAC has isolated this clip and is launching the short version on social media at…

Illegals get $2200 but only $1400 for US Retirees (Youtube)
https://youtu.be/M1rTgBPOTqc

Illegals get $2200, but only $1400 for US Retirees (Twitter)
https://twitter.com/ALIPAC/status/1694041520737832973?s=20

Illegals get $2200, but only $1400 for US Retirees (Facebook)
https://fb.watch/mAHcckkDjR/

Tucker Carlson reprises this information near the end of the interview at 50.08 in the video, positing that Americans might ask, “I’m getting $1,400 bucks a month for in retirement that I paid into my entire life, and you just show up (illegally) from Congo and you are getting $2,200 bucks!?“

For more information about how American citizens are being harmed and abused in many ways by illegal immigration and the politicians and government employees supporting this invasion, please visit www.ALIPAC.us.

Nobody else is that stupid

And the really sad thing is, that as much as everybody with half an ounce of brains realizes that he’s full of crap, he still keeps spouting the same stupid lines. 

Bailong Elevator, also known as the Hundred Dragons Elevator, is a glass elevator located in the Wulingyuan area of Zhangjiajie, China. It is considered to be the world’s tallest outdoor elevator, standing at a height of 1,070 feet.

Here’s some quotes on aging, for all us old folks.  From our own Joe from NJ.  Thanks Joe.

• “We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars … more and more repairs and replacements are necessary. – C.S. Lewis  

• “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm.  Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” – Golda Meir 

• “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.”  – Bill Dana   

• “The older I get … the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain

• “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age.  Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” – Tom Wilson.

• “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully.  I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” – Rita Rudner

• “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller 

• “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg

• “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get”  – Robert Orben

• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann Landers

• “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist.

• When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric.

• Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labelled senile.”- George Burns

• “I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.” – Robert Brault

• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney

• “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzon

• “You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.” – John Mendoza

• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”  – George Carlin

• “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”  – Bob Hope

• “I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.”– Anonymous

• “Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth” – Conan O’Brien

• “I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to” – Albert Einstein

• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” – J. Norman Collie

• “You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.” – Hy Gardner 

• “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain

• “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg

• “The idea is to die young as late as possible. – Ashley Montagu

• “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

I’m about 99% sure we’ve seen this one before, but it’s worth looking at again.  It’s from brother Joe and it’s called, “How Politics Works”

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.” 

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.’
Bill Gates said, “NO.” 
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.” 

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.

 I enjoy math tricks. This one really works! It will take you only about ten seconds and amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie

I’m pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical calculations.

Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it IS my very favorite movie…EVER!

DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom.  You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is 

1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply that number by 3.

3. Add 3

4. Multiply by 3 again.

5. Your total will be a two digit number.  Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) on the list of 17 movies below:

 

Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joe Biden Resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubt Fire

Now,  isn’t that something!

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute.

He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”

They’re back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services : 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight : “Searching for Jesus.” 

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands. 

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you. 

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. 

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons. 

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.” 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to 
follow. 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours too! 

One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven.

Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.

Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

“Get the owner’s manual!” my daughter’s husband shouted.

“I can’t find it anywhere!” cried my daughter a short time later.

“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen.

 “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual’s burned to a crisp.”

This is an oldie, but I love it!

A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR’S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.  The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.00

This was to much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was Buried the next day

Yet More Church Bulletin Bloopers

*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

*Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

*Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”

*Newsletter! s are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary’s Cathedral.

*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.

*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

*For the word of God is quick and powerful…piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working…

Decisions, Decisions!

And speaking of decisions, I’ve decided that I really need to end this thing, but first…

Today is the final day for our age contest.  I don’t really have anyone entered in the youngest category, so we’ll let that one fall by the side of the road for now, and just stick with the oldest category.  I don’t think I’m letting too much of the cat out of the bag by saying that our current leader is 82.  So, if you can beat that number, write to me quick and let me know.  I’ll give you guys a couple of days and then we’ll start the rest of the project, which, if you remember correctly, involved the interview/questionnaire by email.

Okay, next point…

I’m a little concerned that someone may have switched my daughter with a robot or something while I was gone.  Now hear me out.  There are some things that you just can’t change about a person that fast.  Let me give you a little background to set the stage.  Okay, this is Izzy.  But worse … 

Over the tiniest little spider.  Okay?  Got the picture?  Yesterday, Sunday, I’m walking her out the door to send her walking to work and right by the front door she stops and says, “Oh look.”  And this is what she was referring to:

This honking big spider, about five inches from leg tip to leg tip on the side of my (horribly stained) house.  Then she leans in AND BLOWS ON IT so it spins around so we can see it’s back, in the orientation that it’s in in the picture and she nonchalantly says, “Oh, that’s a Yellow Garden Spider.”

I look her dead in the eye and say, “Who are you?”

And she LAUGHS at me!!! Then turns and walks to work.

I’m telling you…something ain’t right…

And the very best for last.  Remember that Stephen B was sending me a little dragon friend to come live with me?  Well, guess what was waiting on me when I got home…

 

And here he is!!!

 

 

He is truly adorable!  Thank you so very much!  I deeply appreciate him.

And with that I will end this episode of Dragon Laffs and begin the next.  So, until we meet again, May God Bless you all with love and happiness.  And remember…

I immediately closed the last issue and opened up this one.  But, isn’t that the way it usually works going from one issue to the next, never being done with one issue before you …

um .. oh. 

Hold on. 

I’m being told that that is not the kind of issues we’re talking about.  …

OH!  Ezine Issues!

Oh, well yeah, that, too. 

I have a lot on my plate right now.  (And I’m not just talking about this pizza, either)  So, you’ll have to excuse me if I seem a little distracted. 

Distracted could be my middle name. 

Impish Distracted Dragon. 

Would make a cool monogram, right?

IDD. 

Okay, so never mind. Let’s get back to where we were.  Where we started from.  I immediately started this episode from where I left off on the last episode.  It would be way cool to get one more in the bank before I left.  Then I could concentrate on other things while I’m gone and not let you guys down.  So, let’s jump into some laughter and see where this takes us…

I want to throw a snow blower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “What the heck is that thing?”  and then that’s where I will live.

Hey!  I know that guy!

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Do I really need to put any emphasis on this?  Kids are back in school.  Stop for the buses when the sign is out!  It’s important.  There is no excuse.

ar gu ment /noun/:  A discussion that occurs when you’re right, and continues until he realizes it.

And this one is JUST AS cute.

Cacoethes (16th century) Irresistible urge to do something inadvisable.  

So pretty much a normal day for Impish Dragon

This is such an EXCELLENT Quote!!

Facebook has taught me a couple of things.  First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world.  Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I’ve lost over the years.

Maybe being a trail guide wasn’t such a great idea after all.

And you think bicycle messengers are fast.  You ain’t seen fast!

Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition?  So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it.  By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field. 

Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.

In STAR WARS anyone can hop in any spaceship and knows how to fly it.

I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the headlights in a rental car.

Some of you should carry a plant around your neck to replace the oxygen you waste every day.

On Dateline, it’s always the person who “lit up the room” that gets murdered.

I’m glad I’m grouchy and unapproachable.

Fact Of The Day:

The Word “Ferret”

Have you ever wondered what the meaning of the word “ferret” is?  Admit it, you know you have.  The word ferret comes from the Latin word furitius, which means little thief.

If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed.
If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed.
If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it.
If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed.

The democrats are correct:
Outside of the bank records, the suspicious activity reports, the wire transfers, the Privat bank transactions, the LLCs, the texts, the emails, the WhatsApp messages, the photos of Joe with Hunter’s business partners, the voicemails to his son, the two business partners saying Joe is the “brand,” the “big guy,” and “the chairman,” the two whistleblowers testimony, the recorded phone calls between Biden and Poroshenko, the video of Joe Biden bragging about firing the Ukrainian prosecutor, and Hunter’s statements that he’s giving his dad half his income, there is NO evidence of Joe Biden being involved.

And THAT is an American hero, and where we’ll end this section for today.  You know, just to get the nasty taste out of our mouth.

OH MY GAWD!!!

I’m so broke, I owe myself money.

I would enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce.

Now you understand why Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up.

I’m not looking for a job but I send out applications periodically just so I can ask about the salary range and tell them it’s too low no matter what it is.  Doing my part to get the rest of you paid well.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.

The bar says “Ouch”

I’ve noticed that there’s more sex, filth and nakedness on the TV these days than ever before…especially when the wife has gone out!

One day Jack didn’t show up at the park.  Bob didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn’t know where Jack lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Bob approached the park and — lo and behold — there sat Jack!

Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, “For crying out loud Jack, what in the world happened to you?”

Jack replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

“Jail!” cried Bob.  “What in the world for?”

“Well,” Jack said, “you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Bob, “I remember her.  What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.  The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

We’ve probably all been the recipient of a butt-dial before.  Usually, it’s nothing particularly concerning unless the sound of the inside of a purse or a sports bar happy hour is terrifying to you.  But for a man identified only as “Elijah,” he fired off one of the unluckiest butt-dials in history as far as both recipients and content are concerned.  He unknowingly dialed 911, where the operator then heard him playing the video game Rainbow Six: Siege, as he barked triumphantly into his headset that he’d “killed two.”

A couple of minutes later, Elijah was treated to some real life CQB experience as a SWAT team showed up at his house investigating what they thought might have been a double homicide.  Luckily, once they realized that the only murder he’d ever committed was virtual in service of video-game objectives, everyone was left unharmed.

I gotta admit, that I laughed so hard when I read this that I scared the dogs.

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were “you’ve gotten fat,” but I know what she meant.

And that my dear friends is the end of another one.  Until we meet again, which may or may not be on Saturday, we’ll have to see what happens.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.  Be well my dear friends.

Well, bad news. I couldn’t bring my laptop so the only updates you are going to get this week are by my phone.

I did have one more Dragon Laffs saved that you will get on Thursday but after that you probably won’t get one until Monday if I can get one done over the weekend. I’m not due back in until very early Saturday morning; shortly after midnight.

Every thing is classified and I can’t even have my phone with me. I’m currently on a lunch break but wanted to update you guys.

As you can see it is beautiful here. It is a shame I’m not gonna get a chance to see much of it. LOL!

Anyway. Hope to talk to you guys soon.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish