So, today is Sunday, and I’m prepping for the procedure tomorrow.  Even though you aren’t reading this until Thursday, you should still be feeling sorry for me today.  It was a very interesting day…as in, “May you live in interesting times.”

I received a comment on Saturday’s issue that I was going to reply to in the comment section but decided it was a good enough comment to share with the rest of you guys, so here it is:

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.

ME: *pulls into rest stop*

DAUGHTER: Thanks.

ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.

DAUGHTER: I will.

ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.

DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.

ME: Exactly.

Telling a woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat.

Sometimes when those lights go out, in those remote locations, it’s really difficult to get them relit.

After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.  He looked at her for a while, then said, “You’re an alphabet wife…A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asks, “What the heck does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot.”

She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely, but what about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

Memorial Service will be held Tuesday afternoon.

My kids say the want a cat for Christmas.

Normally I do a turkey, but hey, if it’ll make ’em happy…

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead.  She’s at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died! 

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel!

Our security team can get you in so many different ways…

I was winning an argument with the wife, but then she took her top off…

I was speechless.  It was a booby trap.

That is such an excellent cartoon!!!

The four types of fear:

1.  Terror

2.  Panic

3.  Username or password is incorrect

4.  “We’re out of coffee!”

Instead of a condom, I carry a moist towelette in my wallet.

The odds of me finding delicious chicken wings are far greater than my chances of getting laid.

So proud of our six year old son!  He’s come out as a pirate.  We’ve known since he was two months old.

Children’s Hospital agreed to pop out one of his eyes for his patch, slice off one of his hands for his hook, and saw off a leg for his pegging. 

His pronouns are P and irate.

We ARGHHHH so proud.

HIS CHOICE

I had a thought, but unfortunately I had a second thought.  They ricocheted off each other and now I can’t find either one anymore.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Stephen B sent me a video that really cranked my nerves!!!!  I found it on YouTube and this is the perfect place for it…right here in the middle of Politically Incorrect!

He sure is.

So, it’s now Tuesday.  A couple of things have happened since we last talked.  First of all, the one I’m sure you’re all wondering about, yes indeed, I had the barium enema yesterday, and overall I have to say, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

IT WAS A HUNDRED TIMES WORSE!!!!

Now I am so thankful that I’ve always been knocked out for a colonoscopy.  The problem with this is that they need your active cooperation. 

What do I mean by that?

Okay, you are on a table, they put a tube up your butt, the doctor said they blow up a balloon first.  Now, I don’t know if that was a euphemism or for real, but I do know that it made me holler “OUCH!!!” in a very loud voice that I had to apologize for afterward.  Then they pump in the barium solution, then some air, then more solution and air as needed. 

Now, the doctor is looking at your intestines with a fluoroscope. A fluoroscope basically is just an X-ray that takes pulse pictures so it’s almost like watching a movie of your insides.  Anyway, he can see where the dye is going and how it’s covering the insides of your intestines.  He wants all the insides of your intestines coated so he has to move you around so that happens.  So, while you have this painful tube shoved up inside of you, he has you roll around in a circle and when that doesn’t work, he starts moving the table up and down so you are either standing up on your feet or kind of standing on your head. 

Once he feels like you are all nice and coated on the insides, he’s all done and then the technicians take over and they start taking real X-rays.  Position you, run out of the room, hold your breath, beep, breath, run back in the room, reposition you, repeat.

Over and over and over again.

All with a painful tube shoved up your butt.

All with this horrible, excruciating, grinding, continuous need to poop pounding at your gut.

And although the doctor who just left was an older guy, about my age, all the technicians are women; three of them trainees I guess.  Because he was explaining things to them the whole time.  And then the X-ray tech who stayed to take all the films at the end…the thousands of films at the end…she was also young and female. 

I suppose it’s a good thing the military uninstalled my modesty many years ago. 

So yeah, 1 star, would not recommend.

We’ll discuss more stuff in a minute. 

Hi again. 

The other thing that happened yesterday was that Monday’s Dragon Laffs dropped and in that was my Dragon Rant about Hamas (which I found out recently is an acronym…I did not know that).  I got a couple of messages that I found interesting.  The first one from our dear friend in South Africa…

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists.

Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas.

Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses’ station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother ‘bananas’?”

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.  Right away he began flattering her outrageously. 

The girl liked the young man, but she was taken aback by his fast and ardent pitch. 

She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

“Look,” she said.  “We only met a half hour ago.  There is no way you could be so sure.  We don’t know a thing about each other.”

“You’re wrong,” the young man declared.  “For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his accounts.

“Hello, you have reached an office that thought it was so smart getting all it’s employees cordless phones. 

The person you are trying to reach is here right now, staring at me as I answer this call and searching desperately for their cordless phone in the mess on their desk. 

It won’t matter if they find it since they didn’t leave it on the charger last night and the battery is dead. So you might as well leave a message with me and I’ll have them call you after the 4 hour handset recharge period is completed.” 

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds.  Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem.

The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill.  The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of… “dye a rhea.”

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, “What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator.”

“Oh my God,” said the bride. “He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years…

…I thought he meant his money!!”

Okay, for the record, I thought this next one was horribly misogynistic and sexist, but funny as heck, so I put it in here anyway and if it generates hate mail, then so be it.  If we can’t laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at.  I’m happy to entertain opposing view points.

Women think they already know everything, but wait…training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too 
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem…Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only 

I guess in certain places that could be a problem

Well, and I guess we’re running on a theme here…

Big Boobs vs. Little Boobs

Women with Big Boobs…

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash ..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner 
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Boobs…

..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public 
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out 
..never be accused of having implants.

Okay, so I’ll go open up the complaint window.  The line forms to the left.

And that’s it my friends.  Until next time.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

I have been fuming over something and didn’t think I needed to say anything, but, surprisingly, I find that I need to.  Maybe not for or to you guys, (I truly and deeply hope and pray that I don’t need to direct this at any of you guys) but maybe for me. 

I know that you have all heard about the horrible attack by Hamas on Israel.  This is so terrible for many, many reasons.  Beheading innocent civilians including old people, women, and even at least one infant.  That is absolutely disgusting.  The taking of hostages, raping said hostages again, including children.  Taking one older woman’s phone, filming her awful murder and putting it on her own Facebook page.  And it goes on and on.  

Hamas over the years has taken the money that many generous people have donated to the lawful and wonderful Palestinian people that was supposed to go to improving their housing, water, electricity and they’ve dug extensive tunnels under the Palestinian homes and THEY have good housing and water and electricity.  And if the Palestinians decide, well I’ll just dig my own well and get my own water.  The Hamas leadership tell them they can’t.

Everybody blames Israel all the time saying they shut off the electricity and water when they are the ones who were trying to help them.

Even now, Hamas kills and rapes and tortures.  The Israelis find out where the Hamas are hiding, they tell the regular Palestinians who are living there that they are going to attack that building or that neighborhood and that they should leave BEFORE they attack.  How is that a way to run a military campaign?  What other military force in the WORLD would do that sort of thing.  And then Hamas FORCES the Palestinians to stay, because they cowardly hide behind women and children.

Okay, so that paints my general picture.  That’s not the part that has me so fired up.  The part that has me so worked up is the insanity going on around the world where there is anti-Israel protests going on!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!  These people are trying to live on a tiny patch of land that’s about the size of New Jersey!  It’s the only place in the world they can call home.  It’s the land promised them by God in the Bible.  They are being so far past good it’s not even funny.  And THEY ARE THE BAD GUYS?!?!  

You protesters are brain dead.  I’m not saying that Israel’s leadership are all angels.  They’re not.  But in this…you guys are so wrong.  So very, very wrong.  One side is warning you ahead of time where they are going to be attacking and that you should probably not be there and the other side is raping and beheading children!  I’m sorry, if you can’t see the difference than you are not a human being, you’re an animal. 

And that’s all I really have to say about that. 

And now I’m going to go and take a break and come back.

Okay, I need to get some work done on this issue or it won’t get published.  I have the stupid enema on Monday, while you guys are reading this, I’ll be in the hospital with a tube shoved up my butt getting radioactive dye … okay, never mind.  Suffice it to say I’ll not be having a pleasant day.  And I’m worried about it and I have my church praying for me and I won’t even be able to go to church on Sunday because I’m working this weekend.  Yeah, life is difficult right now.

And for those of you who are about to say that God doesn’t ever give you any more than you can handle, that is NOT what it says in the Bible and that is NOT the truth of the matter.  That has to do with temptation.  You will never be tempted with more than you can overcome and there will always be a way back to forgiveness if you do fall into the sin of temptation.  That’s where that comes from.  God often gives you more than you can handle, for His glorification.  And nope, not gonna get into that right now because that is a MUCH longer conversation, but with a little bit of effort you can track down all of those answers yourself in the Bible.  For us, we need to laugh!

Spells that Work!

Spell to Get Measles

1. Find someone who has measles.

2. Lick them.

Spell to Turn Day Into Night

1) Stand facing a large tree or wall.

2) Close eyes tightly.

3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.

Spell to Breathe Under-Water

1) Attach concrete block to your feet.

2) Jump into water.

3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to “Flipper”.

4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.

Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants

1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.

2) Drink.

3) Repeat steps 1-3.

Spell to Attract Lightning

1) Cover yourself in metal: jewelry, chains, golf clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hub-caps. Etc.

2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.

3) Wait.

Spell to Stop a Runny Nose

1. Get two cotton balls.

2. Shove one up each nostril.

3. Tape them there.

Spell to Make a Person fall in Love with You

1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
   2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
   3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e.-roses without petals, a nice headless Barbie doll…).
   4. Follow them everywhere they go… careful, they’ll try to lose you!
   5. Don’t worry if they get that silly restraining order, that means the spell is working!

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast

1. Open Window.
2. Throw Computer out window.

(If the computer hit ground really fast, the spell worked.)

Spell to Save on Gas

1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really fast.
4. Scream “Yabba Dabba Do!”

Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!

A Spell to Go to the Bathroom

1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst.

2) Drink another glass anyway.

3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of Pepsi.

4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the  spell’s effect.

Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom

1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of Exlax.
3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!

WARNING:

Spells are not guaranteed. Use at your own risk.

An elderly lady hustled onto a crowded bus carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of a man and grabbed the overhead rail such that the picnic basket went hanging over the man’s head. The man politely offered the seat but the sweet lady declined saying she was going to get off soon.

Suddenly the man felt something dropping on his head.  He tilted his head to find out, the liquid was leaking and dripping, which went in his nose and ran down across his lips. He got the taste of it, looked up at the lady and asked with a smile, “Pickles, ay?”

The old lady replied, “No, no, puppies, dear!”

A minister is visiting his grandchildren to celebrate Christmas.

When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.

His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is. She replies, “Yes … it’s breakable.”

And that’s how Impish Dragon got sent to the principal’s office at least once.

They love me so much they even make sand art of me.

I understand Stephanie is quite the cook and not just in the fall.

I’m only kidding…and teasing her cause we’re friends…

She really can’t cook at all … no, no, no I mean, that’s not Stephanie!  Stop hitting me!!!

One of the best things about this time of year are those pumpkins.  Not a big candy corn fan, but those pumpkins…YUM!

And THIS stuff!!!!! 

I eat WAY too much of this!!

PICK-UP LINES FOR PIRATES

“I must be huntin’ treasure, ’cause I’m diggin’ yer chest.”

“Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber.”

“See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.”

“Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin’?”

“Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded.”

“I’ve hidden booty all over the Caribbean — but never have I seen one like yours!”

“That’s NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!”

“That’s a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there.”

“My peg-leg’s ribbed for your pleasure.”

“Why not climb my main mast and I’ll visit your crow’s nest.”

Those were bloody awful!!!!

A recent survey found that 85% of the guys who die while having sex are cheating on their spouse.

It’s not the sex that’s killing them.

It’s worrying about getting caught, they’re scared to death !

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. While shopping they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “Come in! Come into my humble shop.” 

Once inside the shopkeeper said, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.” 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them.  The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” 

The Pakistani man replied, “Just try dem on, Sahib.” 

After much badgering from his wife, he agreed to try them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes – something his wife hadn’t seen in many years…  raw sexual power. 

With a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, and yanked down his pants. 

The Pakistani began screaming: 

“YOU HAVE DEM ON THE  WRONG FEET !!! YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!” 

“I think we took a wrong turn in Newark.”
“I think we’re IN Newark!”

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. “You say you’re here,” he inquired, “because your family is worried about your taste in socks?”

“That’s correct,” muttered the patient. “I like wool socks.”

“But that’s perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks.”

“You DO?” exclaimed the man. “With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?”

I…okay…wait…what?

John and Greg driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. John says, “Let’s stop here, and have our picnic under that tree.”

Greg says, “No! Let’s have it right here in the middle of the road.”

They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

John says, “You were right! If we were under that tree, we’d be dead now!”

Sandra’s car was unreliable and she called Michael for a ride every time it broke down. One day Michael got yet another one of those calls. 

“What happened this time?” he asked. 

“My brakes went out,” Sandra said. “Can you come to get me?” 

“Where are you?” Michael asked. 

“I’m in the drugstore,” Sandra responded. 

“And where’s the car?” Michael asked. 

Sandra replied, “It’s in here with me.” 

No kidding!!!  I need a new fence and I want them to come over and build one for me just like that one!

I really, really, REALLY want to know the backstory behind this sign.  Why was it necessary to post it?  Why?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.  The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him find something.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

The salesgirl, obviously confused, says to the man, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this.  Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and rolling papers.  Because it is Sooooooo much cheaper.”

“So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”

Somehow I think this guy is going to be back and he’s going to be going to the tampon aisle AND the first-aid aisle.

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, “Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?”

“Because I’m a prostitute.”

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

“The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.” The guy paled.

“If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?”

“Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog’s vet.”

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. 

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception. 

“William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?”

“Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.” 

“Wow, fifty dollars!” exclaimed the bride, “the monks only used to give us an apple…” 

This next one was sent to me by our good buddy Joe, from NJ.  I remember this one.  It was a HUGE feather in the cap of every 462 (Weapons Mechanic, Load Toad, Bomb Loader, whatever you wanted to call us) out there.  That was our AFSC (Air Force Specialty Code) 462X0 or 462 for short.  Just like now, I am a 3E9.  Not sure what the Weapons Mechanics are now.  All the AFSCs have changed.  Anyway, like I said, I remember this…it was WAY COOL!

Paddy and Mick are in the pub talking about their sex lives. 

Paddy boasts, “The wife and me go at it like rabbits every night!”

“You lucky bum!” replies Mick.  “I only get it once a month, and I call it the Bruce Lee night.”

“Why in the world do you call it that?” asked Paddy

Mick replied, “Because it’s the only night, I enter the dragon!!”

My daughter asked, “I hope you’re going to shave off that stupid mustache before we go on holiday!  It’s embarrassing.”

I was stunned.  Bravest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say to the wife.

I hate when people are outside when I’m trying to parallel park.  I need some privacy.

A teacher asks her class, “Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says, “Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?  ‘Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen!'”

A man I sometimes chat to in the park when walking our dogs was telling me this morning about his new rescue chickens.  He pretty much made my day when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi, and Princess Layer.

I might be going mad, but are the two e’s in bee actually silent?

Okay, here’s another one from Joe…and this one is just plain nuts.  

A good relationship should make you feel strong, productive, and able to take over the world.

…Oh wait.  That’s coffee.  Coffee does that.

Got up at 5 am, ran 4 miles, came back, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast, did 2 loads of laundry, mopped and vacuumed floors, and that’s all I remember about my dream.

And with that complete and total ridiculous statement bouncing around inside my head, I’ll end this one right here.  Remember to keep me in your prayers while you are reading this and may our good Lord Bless you and keep you until we meet again. 

It’s Saturday morning and I have NO idea at this point, cause it’s currently Monday, what I will be doing.  That’s not normally like me.  I normally have everything planned out.  But this week has been so fluid, that I don’t know what’s going to happen.  So, all we have is today.  All the rest of it is in God’s hands.  And it’s all part of His plans. 

So, let’s move on to the laughter in our lives.  That is the fun part and the part that keeps the sun shining for us.

Here’s a great old joke sent in by Lynn.  I really like this joke because it joins so many different things together.  So, my dear camper friends, listen in and laugh along.

On a dark, moonless night, a captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.  He turns on his signal lamp and sends the following message, “Change your course 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed.  He signals, “I’m a US Navy Captain.  You must change your course, sir.”

The lone light is growing closer.  And soon it signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class.  You must change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is mad.  He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier.  I’m not changing my course.”

The light signals back a final message, “I’m a lighthouse.  Your call.”

Lynn sent me a video of Lego mechanics going over the new rules for mechanics.  But it was in a format that I couldn’t use.  So I went to YouTube looking for it and couldn’t find it.  But what I did find was the original video (comedy satire) it was based on.  So, I will show you that instead.

When you get to feeling your own self importance, remember this picture…send in by our own Leah D.

Photo of planet Earth (Pale Blue Dot) captured by Voyager 1 at a record distance of 5.9 billion km. (the radio signal took 5.5 hours to reach Earth), showing it against the background of space. This is absolutely mindblowing image of our home planet. Learn more about this image from here

https://www.futurespaceworld.com/voyager-1-captured-the…/

Another one of my baby pictures…

Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets inside of them. Moral of the story, don’t let what is happening around you, get inside of you and weigh you down.

What Shakespeare Really Meant

 While Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you’d never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare’s quotes into modern day English. It’s about time we  were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe. 

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies. 

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let’s kill all the lawyers. Really. 

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It’s OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would. 

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips. 

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once. 

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether. 

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you’re screwed. 

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she’s really a man, listen to them. 

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you’re desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex. 

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size. 

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup. 

I’ll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don’t expect me to call the day after. 

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country. 

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you’re telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot. 

‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock. 

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You’ve never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

Whatever happened to our favorite Disney characters? 

MICKEY MOUSE: Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said “No” for 50 years. 

DONALD DUCK: Served as a main course at Epcot’s China Pavilion.

PLUTO: Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed. 

GOOFY: Assassinated during first term as President of the United States. 

SCROOGE McDUCK: Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS. 

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE: Involved in an underground child pornography ring. 

CHIP & DALE: Extracted from Richard Gere’s colon.

SNOW WHITE: Fell for the “apple trick” again.

DOPEY: ’nuff said.

SNEEZY: Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY :Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY: Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC: Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans. 

SLEEPY: Never woke up.

BASHFUL: Now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS: Shot down over Iraqui airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH: Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570. 

PIGLET: Gunned down in a mafia hit.

RABBIT: Died of an aneurism while watching over his garden.

EEYORE: Committed suicide.

TIGGER: Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

PETER PAN: Christopher Robin’s lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL: Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid. 

And this guy…he tied up a lot of friends of mine.  Well, not tied up really, as much as put in some other “zone”.  Well, let’s just say that he tasted worse than he looked.

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. 

It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. 

This, of course, is the origin of the statement, “He who has a Tates is lost.”

Adulting be like:

Paycheck:  $624.42
Bills:  $597.63

A lady failed the written driving test four times.  At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. 

But the test had the same question, “You are driving at 60 mph.  On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff.  On the road you see an old man and a young man.  What will you hit?”

The woman walked up to to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, old man, and young man, yet I failed all four times.  How is this possible?  What am I supposed to hit??!?”

The examiner looked her right in the eye and replied, “The brakes!”

You guys are making me work.  You are sending me some really great stuff, but in formats that I can’t use, so I have to go out and find them in formats that I can use and it causing me way too much fun!  Let’s do this one from Leah D. first.

And now we’ll do this one from Stephanie.  The bad news is I have to give you the back story first because the video that I found doesn’t give you that.  The good news is that the video that I found gives you much more of the end story…so…

Here’s the back story.  Gainesville, Florida Police Officer Bobby White responded to a noise complaint.  The complaint was that there were kids being noisy while playing basketball in the street and the … um … “person” who would rather see them doing what?  playing video games?  smoking on the street corner?  robbing liquor stores? … who called it in thought that was a bad thing. 

When Officer White showed up, he obviously didn’t respond the way I’m sure the caller expected.  He played basketball with the kids for last little while of his shift, making good community connections, and even promised that he would be back after his shift to play a full pick-up game with them.

And that’s pretty much where the video picks up.  

And the video is right.  That’s a day those kids will never forget for the rest of their lives.  And maybe, just maybe it will make enough of a difference in their lives to actually make a difference in their lives.  But, who is the hero of the story?  Shaq?  For giving away $800 and a couple of hours of his “important” time, which I’m sure is worth much more than $800 an hour?  Nope.  Although what he did was truly a wonderful thing.  The real hero or heroes are Bobby White and the rest of those cops who handled that noise complaint the right way.  And built bridges instead of walls.  Who allowed  the kids to be kids.  Just like thousands of cops do every single day across this great country of ours.  Yes, I know, they’re not all like that, but the overwhelming majority of them are.  Most people don’t know it because it’s always the bad ones who get all the news coverage.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Even right here in our little county in northern Indiana.  I gather there was an article somewhere about the “Worst Cop in the US” who came from Miami County Ohio.  OHIO!  Well, these rocket scientists around here started flinging mud about our cops with a link to the article, even though the headline of the article said Ohio.  Someone would point out that it was an article about Ohio and then another person would pipe right in with another derogatory comment quoting the article again.  Time after time after time after time.  And it’s like, “Hey!  Genius!  You can’t look right above what you just posted to see the last dozen people said the exact same thing and got shot down?  Not to mention that WE DON’T LIVE IN OHIO!  We don’t have anyone on our force by that name and we don’t even have lieutenants in our rank structure.  All of which have been mentioned time and time again, if you would just READ!!!”  But they don’t.  Because it’s easier and more fun to cast blame or shame or negativity, than to say what a good job someone is doing.  And the majority of the cops are doing a darn good job! 

Okay, I gotta get off this soapbox or I’ll be here all day.  And I’ve got stuff to do.

And here’s another good one sent in by Joe from NJ.

Confused about the meaning of Service?

I become confused when I hear the word Service used with these agencies:

• Internal Revenue Service

• US Postal Service

• Cable TV Service

• Civil Service

• Federal, State, City, & Public Service 

• Customer Service

This is NOT what I thought Service meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to Service his cows.

BAM ! … It all came into focus.

• Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

Behold the warranty… the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.

― Tom Waits (1949-)

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

I’ll have to ask my farmer buddies if it’s getting close to corn syrup season around here.

A thief who tried to nick a fur hat in the north-eastern Russian town of Vologda is recovering from his injuries. 

When the man put his hand to the hat, the coat’s collar bit and scratched him so badly that stitches were required. 

The hat’s owner explained to the police that he was wearing his Siamese cat as protection against the sub-zero temperatures.

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it.  First kid says, “My daddy’s a baker. That’s b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat.”

Second kid says, “My daddy’s a banker.  That’s b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys.”

Next kid says, “My daddy’s an electrician. That’s e-l-a-k…uh, e-l-e-x…uh….”

Teacher interrupts, saying, “That’s okay, Rayford.  Think about it and we’ll come back to you.”  Turning to Little Johnny, she says, “You’re next, Johnny.”

Little Johnny says, “My daddy’s a bookie.  That’s b-o-o-k-i-e, and I’ll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don’t ever spell electrician.”

Here’s a whole bunch of different kinds of Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called “Spec Taters”.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called “Comment Taters”.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don’t want to soil their own hands.
They are called “Dick Taters”.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called “Agie Taters”.

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called “Hezzie Taters”.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called “Emma Taters”.

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called “Sweet Taters”.

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer:  “Whack!”  “Crap!”

Bad Skydiver:  “Crap!!”  “Whack!!”

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.

“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Okay, I know it’s a gif and it’s on a loop, but it still cracks me up!

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman’s bra.

That’s correct. While unfastening a woman’s stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that.

I got injured today while trying to undo a woman’s bra.

When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for  having used the same tests for the past 35 years. 

“Don’t you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what’s on the test before they sit for it?” 

“Doesn’t matter,” replied the professor. “You must realize that with a subject like economics the answers are different each year!” 

ROFLMAO!  So very, very true!

You just knew, the way things were going, I had to throw my two-copper pieces in at least one more time before this one was over, didn’t you?  I guess my lead in the other day…um…Monday, struck a couple of nerves, which is a good thing.  The one on the Christian website and Columbus / Indigenous Peoples’ Day.  You remember…  Well, I’ve gotten several comments about this and I’m going to share them and talk a bit…if that’s okay with you guys.

And if it’s not okay with you guys, I’m going to do it anyway. 

It’s Thursday!  (Well, actually, it’s Saturday, but work with me here) … ahem … It’s Thursday!  And what a week it’s been!  Monday was a holiday, Tuesday was the start of the Nuclear Leadership Course and Pepper Dragon had a doctor visit in the afternoon and darts of course that evening.

Wednesday was supposed to be day two of the NLC, but I didn’t go because Izzy had her special doctor’s visit for her Social Security determination, then it was the Jail Ministry that evening. 

And Thursday, today is the third and last day of the Nuc class, which I should be able to drop back into. 

This weekend is the UTA and I have classes to teach and it’s going to conclude with a wonderful Barium Enema on Monday!!  Yes, you read that right.  On Sunday, while I’m teaching class, I’m supposed to be prepping for this hose being shoved up my butt!  How am I going to work THIS out? 

Okay, so back to reality and it’s Saturday, a week before any of this is going to start and now that I’m thinking about all this stuff, it’s going to be tough to work out.  I’m probably going to have to get someone to cover the class I’m supposed to teach on Sunday. 

Yeah, it’s going to be an interesting week…and we’ve had THAT discussion before.

I know I’ve probably run that one before…but it’s just so true, I had to run it again.

I know I’m becoming a better person because I’ve been holding back some absolutely ruthless crap I could say to people.

Self checkout should include an employee discount.

I now present to you, the cheesiest joke every printed…I would love to take credit for it…but can’t.  So, prepare yourselves…

Where do Bad Rainbows go?

Prism
It’s a light sentence, and gives them time to reflect.

Told ya!

This is a wand of dragon droning.  It turns dragons into a drone.  Suffice it to say, we don’t like it very much.

It’s almost that time of year when other women look cute in their flannel shirts, and I look like I’ve misplaced my axe.

My brother works at a watch factory.

He stands around making faces.

You come from dust and you will return to dust.
That’s why I don’t dust.
It could be someone I know.

“Listen, I need you to take this message to the elves…if they don’t get out of that tree and bring me some cookies, they are going to sorely regret it.  You make that abundantly clear.  Do you understand?”

Okay, well I submit to you that she IS busy.  I’m busy when I’m reading.

Me:  Do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards? 

Librarian:  Stop talking

I’m just impressed by how ugly I’m willing to look in public these days.

Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window at me, “I’m gonna make your life a living hell!”

I yelled back, “Thanks, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

As promised, here’s more of these very funny memes…

His Last Bumpy Ride

ANOTHER WOODEN BALL!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?!

Rent A Boyfriend

Thanksgiving Packages

SILVER ($75 + a plate)
  – two hours at dinner
  – matching outfits
  – tell a few jokes

GOLD ($150 + a plate)
  – three hours at dinner
  – cute backstory on how we met
  – details about what I do for a living
  – call your dad “pops”

PLATINUM ($350 + a plate + a to-go plate)
  – all day
  – tell you I love you in front of the whole family
  – kiss your mom on the cheek
  – help clean up after dinner

People associate wearing glasses with being smart, but you have to fail a test to get them.  They even let you look at the answers.

Holy Cow!  Boy did I get sucked down a rabbit hole!  Okay, see the left side of the above picture?  I was sent something very similar to that by … someone. 

Some how I accidently deleted it and couldn’t find it in my deleted files, so, thinking it was interesting, I did a search for it on line and found the one that you see above.  And I thought, well, if it’s not true, then what IS true? 

An hour later and I’m writing this to you guys. 

Yup, I spent an hour looking at the history of Hush Puppies. 

And I’m a skoosh more intelligent and a LOT more hungry!  I really like Hush Puppies. 

Suffice it to say that they were NOT named by escaping slaves when they used them to throw to the hounds that were tracking them.  But, how there WERE named is kind of under discussion even still and … well … not very interesting. 

Frankly, I liked the slave story better. 

And there’s an hour I’ll never get back.

After 6 weeks, $140 in supplies, and daily watering, I’m only 5 to 6 weeks away from enjoying a $1.25 vegetable from my own garden.

I once lived just a stone’s throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries.

No doubt!

I laughed so hard over this.  Grandpa Pickles reminds me SO much of … well … ME!

What about for arms and legs.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off the front of my shirt.  Turns out it was deodorant…

So how’s your day going?

Heaven has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy.

Hell has open borders.

Let that sink in.

Only in America can you murder your child at birth but go to jail if you spank them. 

Liberalism is a mental disorder!

I just realized a lot of people don’t like to hold hands in public, especially if they don’t know you.

Stephanie sent us that picture…and an explanation  for that picture.

MyCn 18: The Engraved Hourglass Planetary Nebula
Image Credit & Copyright: NASA, ESA, Hubble, HLA; Processing & Copyright: Harshwardhan Pathak

Explanation: Do you see the hourglass shape — or does it see you? If you can picture it, the rings of MyCn 18 trace the outline of an hourglass — although one with an unusual eye in its center. Either way, the sands of time are running out for the central star of this hourglass-shaped planetary nebula. With its nuclear fuel exhausted, this brief, spectacular, closing phase of a Sun-like star’s life occurs as its outer layers are ejected – its core becoming a cooling, fading white dwarf. In 1995, astronomers used the Hubble Space Telescope (HST) to make a series of images of planetary nebulae, including the one featured here. Pictured, delicate rings of colorful glowing gas (nitrogen-red, hydrogen-green, and oxygen-blue) outline the tenuous walls of the hourglass. The unprecedented sharpness of the Hubble images has revealed surprising details of the nebula ejection process that are helping to resolve the outstanding mysteries of the complex shapes and symmetries of planetary nebulas like MyCn 18.

Many people reject Jesus because of bad experiences with religious people.

But, here’s the thing… Jesus had bad experiences with religious people, too.

In fact, they killed him.

People will let you down.

Jesus won’t.

Sometimes understanding what a woman wants is very difficult.  It’s like trying to figure out what color, the letter seven, smells like. 

When I die everyone must sleep at the graveyard, y’all can’t leave me alone the first night with people I don’t know!!

I’m not saying I’m old, I’m just saying my dinner time and my bedtime are getting dangerously close to each other.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.  For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that stuff up.

Important to remember:  When someone tries to trigger you by insulting you or by doing or saying something that irritates you, take a deep breath and switch off your ego.  

Remember:  If you are easily offended, you are easily manipulated.

Currently working on a diary full of lies.  I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like, “wait, what!?”

That’s it my friends.  Until Saturday when we meet again.  May you be Blessed with Love and Happiness.

It’s Monday!

It’s Columbus Day!

It’s Indigenous Peoples’ Day! 

I read an article today on a Christian website about how we should all celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day and about how terrible a person Christopher Columbus was.  How he came ashore in America, started killing people and how we stole this country from the people who were already here…the Indigenous People.  How you can’t “discover” a country that already has people living there.  How we should stop celebrating Columbus Day and ONLY celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day because that will make up to them all the horrible things that we did to them.

That WE did to them?

We?

Here we go again. 

Listen to me very closely. 

This is important.

Just like “we” don’t/didn’t own any slaves and will not pay any reparations, “we” didn’t come to this continent, kill or kick out or take advantage of any people, Indigenous or otherwise.  What all these people are doing is continuing to perpetuate the same ridiculous, racist nonsense by emphasizing the crimes of people from the past, that happened in the past.  The more we emphasize it and try to beat other people up with it or try to get a certain class, race, gender, nationality, or whatever to feel guilt about something that happened in the past by people who are no longer even alive, the more these types of things will continue.  We learn about them.  We learn FROM them so that we don’t REPEAT them and we MOVE ON.  Don’t write an article chastising me about how I’m supposed to feel bad about something that happened, not only before my (or anyone else’s) grandparents were born, but before any of my family ever lived on this continent.

I just read the above to Izzy and she made a very valid point.  When we were all in school, we were all taught that Columbus was this great guy.  “In fourteen hundred and ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue…” and other such Pablum.  Well, we should be teaching our children the truth.  Yes, Columbus discovered America…after Leif Erikson some 450 years earlier…and yes, you can discover a land that someone else is already living on.  If you sail off and find somewhere that you never knew existed before … well … you just discovered that place.  Right?  How many of you have “discovered” a new restaurant?  Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was there before you found it.

Yes, we should be teaching our children the truth.  Columbus was a jerk.  It’s part of our history.  Teach the truth.  But just the truth.  Doesn’t mean we beat ourselves up over it.  It’s a crappy part of our history.  You know what?  I’ll tell you a little secret…there are a LOT of crappy parts to our history.  We are humans.  We are sinners.  We do crappy stuff all the time.  The Nazis killed 6 million Jews.  That’s 6,000,000!  So, does that mean that all Germans are bad people?

I can hear everyone of you saying, of course not. 

So, then why does it work the other way?

Is it because we’re talking about certain minorities?  Are we really that racist?  

Yeah, I think we probably are.

Now, in a lot of cases, it is probably politically motivated racism.  But, racism none-the-less. More is the pity that so many of us fall into that trap.  Excuse the abhorrent behavior perpetuated on both sides.  Allow it to continue and become generational and therefore, moronic.

The Christian website made me feel ashamed because of what Christopher Columbus did.  Others try to make me feel shame because of what the white slave owners did.  Shame is a sign of sin.  I feel no sin for any of this.  Jesus came and took away ALL of my sins, but I feel no need to repent for any of this, so why then did this article imply that we, as citizens of this great nation, should feel sinful, for celebrating a day dedicated to the discovery of our great nation? 

No, Columbus was not a perfect man.  

But are any of us?

I am immediately reminded of Jesus’ counsel in John 8:7, dear Christian article: “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”  

Yes, please, by all means, teach the truth.  But do so without teaching or implying the shame.  They managed to do so when I was a kid…at least about slavery, maybe not about Columbus.  But that’s what we do when we grow up.  We become adults, both as people and as a nation.  We do things BETTER than we did before.  Not worse.

SO GROW THE HECK UP!!!

And for the rest of it…

Man, I’m wondering if maybe I parked in this spot?  I just got my car back from the world’s most expensive oil change.  Although I’m glad I did.  They found a stuck brake caliper.  Told them that I felt a shudder from the front of the car when I first applied pressure to the brakes at speed.  Anyway, long story short, stuck brake caliper tore up the ball joint boots, lost the grease, dried up the bearings, screwed up the tie rods, warped the rotors, I’m very lucky I had them look at when I did.  Could have been exciting at 70 mph going down the road.  I love my ten year old car, but at the rate I’m going, it’s going to be a brand new ten year old car shortly.  My oil change came in at right around $1400.  If you take back the 3% I get back on my credit card that would be about $42, so I’m already down to $1358.  If I can get it paid off by the end of the month there won’t even be any interest on it.  LOL!  I must’ve seen this sign SOMEWHERE!!!  
Meh!  It’s all good.

That is so WRONG!!

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, “Get out of here with that dog!”

The guy says, “But this isn’t just any dog… this dog can play the piano!”

The bartender replies, “Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay… and have a drink on the house!”

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.  Ragtime, Mozart… and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, “What was that all about?”

The guy replies, “Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”

Amen.

So, it’s amazing what will remind me of things to talk to you guys about.  I belong to this group called Miami County Living Free (MCLF).  One of the groups that I use to minister through.  In fact, it is that group that I use … or probably more properly, they use me for the Wednesday night Jail Ministry. Anyway, as part of that group, we belong to another group, the local Substance Abuse Prevention Council (SAPC).  The MCLF has monthly meetings at which the members attend.  The SAPC has monthly meetings and because our organization is a member of that organization someone from our organization must attend their monthly meetings so we normally take turns.  Okay, clear as mud?  So, this month, tonight as your reading this as a matter of fact, is the monthly SAPC meeting and they have asked all the members to ask their different organizations for donations for some of the different places they support.  One is a halfway house for women and the other is the local work release.  They have asked for Halloween Decorations, Colored Pencils, Crayons, Coloring Books, and Jigsaw Puzzles.  Once my Izzy Dragon found out, because I happened to read the email out loud, she wanted in on it and said that we could buy the stuff where she worked, she had a special coupon for Halloween Decorations, all the rest of the stuff she could get there and she would donate $20 towards the project.  I was never so proud of my little dragonette in my whole life.  Just thought I’d throw that out there.

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah…..” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think,” the man laughed. “I’m the father of THREE children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

So MANY of the kids will not get this one.

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, “He’s a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races.” 

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke. 

“So what do you do?” she asked. 

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, “I sell drugs.” 

Ummm…I have, what I feel, are very legitimate questions.

Well, I’m gonna have to see the waitresses first.

And yet another one where there are people out there scratching their heads…but at least with this one I think I can give you a visual…yup!  Found it right here:

“You must stop following me!”

“I’m only protecting the babe.  She will someday grow up to be quite important to me.”

Man and woman nude in bed together. Man reading newspaper with headline:  “Court rules same-sex couples can marry.”

Man: “It will make an absolute mockery of traditional marriage!”

Woman: “That’s just what my husband says.”

[Impish counting up to five on his talons] Um…should I tell him or are you going to?

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside.

He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. “Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you two.”

“We tried the other one,” a student said, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

Seriously, my dear campers, teaching young airmen every month, this story does not surprise me one little bit.  I now quote Impish Dragon in his human form at CBRN Defense training, “Why did you show up to Chemical Defense Training without your Chemical Defense Suit?”  And the sad part is that the answers that I get are myriad.  

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what  was wrong.

Bill said, “As you know, I am looking for employment.  I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare’s  Romeo and Juliet.  I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I  failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.  My copy of the script clearly said, “Enter Juliet from the  rear.”

See, I could easily see where that could lead to a misunderstanding!

This reminds me so much of my older daughter Valarie when she was pre-kindergarten years old and I was in the military and just an iddy-biddy airman first class (A1C) or maybe a senior airman (SrA).  A lowly E-3 or E-4 for you folks of other branches.  Valarie had started asking about something that she was calling her cunt.  And I may have told you guys this story before and if you’ve heard it before, please pardon the vulgar language, but she was NOT referring to that part of the female anatomy you might think she was referring to.  You see, she would tell us that she had lost her cunt and couldn’t find it.  Her mother (my ex-wife) and I had no clue what it was she was asking about.  She described it as black and white and furry and soft.  Thankfully, Valarie had blonde hair, otherwise… you see where I’m going with that.

Anyway, for weeks and weeks, this would come up.  Sometimes, like the children in the memes, to the point of tears, I can’t find my cunt.  Where is my cunt.  Thankfully, always at home.  And she was getting frustrated with us because she knew we had no idea what she was talking about.

Well, one day I had to take her to the pediatrician, on base.  And like most base doctor visits, they expect you to show up 30 minutes early and they are running an hour behind.  Even if you were the first patient of the day, they were behind.  I never figured out how they managed that trick.  Seating being at a premium, Val was sitting on my lap and we are surrounded by other parents and their children.  Some in uniform (as I was) some not.  I was not the youngest ranking person in the room, but I was pretty near the bottom.  There was a lot of brass in the room.  By the way the others were dressed, a lot of officer’s wives were in the waiting room.

So, Val is on my lap and we are looking through a picture book of animals and she’s pointing at the animals and telling me what each of the animals are.

“Elephant…lion…tiger…dog…”  I would turn the page and she would gleefully tell me what the next animal was.

And then I turned a page and I felt her suck in this big breath of air and she practically screamed, “THERE IT IS, DADDY!  THERE’S MY CUNT!”

You could have heard a pin drop.  I actually heard a female gasp or two.  I know, I KNOW that several of the officers were trying to get a look at my name and squadron patch to make sure I wasn’t in their unit and to see if they were going to have to take care of “this problem.”

In as calm a voice as I could manage, which I’m sure wasn’t that calm at all, and probably two octaves higher than my normal voice, I said, “No honey, that’s a skunk.  A SKUNK.” As I over emphasized the last word.

And in the most adult little girl voice I have ever heard, she looked directly up into my eyes and said like I was the biggest idiot who walked the face of the earth, “That’s what I said and have been telling you daddy, T H A T ‘ S     M Y     C U N T.”

And the whole place roared with laughter.  The receptionist, who was also an airman, everyone.  The whole place had come to a complete standstill.  Everyone holding their collective breath.  And suddenly everyone let it out in one huge burst of laughter…at my expense.  I wanted to crawl under the chair.

That is one of my most precious memories of Valarie.  I miss her so. 

I’ll  give you another batch of these reminders in the next issue.

I keep this wizard in a crystal ball on my desk.  This is the precursor to Alexa and Siri.  

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer’s excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new VERY young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress.

She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, “Absolutely not! I’m going to wear this dress; I’ll look like a million in it!”

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind dear. I’ll get another dress, after all it’s YOUR special day, not hers.”

Two weeks later another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.”

Sheila grinned and replied, “Of course, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!

An old, but such an incredibly luscious joke.

Things on the love landscape sure have changed over the years… 

SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER 

Dearest Samantha, 

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Saturday, the 17th of August 2013. 

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2013 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. 

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. 

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer. 

Thanking you in anticipation. 

Yours sincerely, Max 

MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER 

Dear Max, 

Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. 

However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. 

I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. 

Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the ‘VIP’. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order. 

Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest. 

Please also note that my sister is happily employed. 

Yours perhaps, Samantha! 

Please don’t ever let us get to that point.

Steve sent me a clip of Bob Uecker talking about his childhood in his unique Bob Uecker style.  Well of course I got a great laugh out of it, but couldn’t use it here, so I went in search of it on YouTube.  I couldn’t find it, but what I did find was the whole original speech which you’ll find below.  And if you are a Bob Uecker fan and if you’re not you’re going to laugh.

Some of you will get this 

Ways to piss a guy off ….

Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before you agree to do the horizontal bop.

Tell him his brother is a better lay.

Tell him his sister is better in bed than his brother is.

Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put the remote back together. Smile sweetly while he goes nuts.

Create an email account in his best friend’s name. Email him suggestive letters and sign it, Love, Floyd.

Rub his stomach. Say “Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck.”

Fake an orgasm while riding in the car and stopped at a stop sign. Double points if the car is parked outside his favorite bar.

Subscribe to Woman’s World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make the subscription in his name.

Call your mom. While he’s listening, invite her to move in with you.

Buy 1 ticket to his favorite, sold-out sporting event. Say, “It was the last one, but to prevent any hard feelings, I’ll just tear it up so we don’t have to decide who goes.” Burn the ticket.

Out of the blue, look him straight in the eye and say, “It doesn’t matter.” Ignore him for 30 minutes.

Tell him your pregnant and you *think* he’s the father.

Write a letter to another guy during sex.

Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer’s shorts the last time you went out for a night on the town with the girls.

Clean his tools with his favorite shirt.

Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blow job he’s ever had. Just before you start, say “DAMMIT! Chipped a tooth. Oh, well, it won’t matter.”

Tell him you’ve invited some friends over to play strip poker. Then say that his golf/fishing/hunting/poker/drinking/etc. buddies should be here any minute.

Tell him you’ve always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough money saved up for the operation. Triple points awarded if you say it in front of his parents.

Tell him you want to be closer to him all the time, so from now on your gonna use ONLY his razors to shave your legs.

Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.

Tie him to the bed. Paint his toenails bright red.

Tie him to the bed. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Do a striptease for him. Then have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him.

Tie him to the bed. Put on an adult movie with the sound on and the screen turned at an angle that makes it VERY difficult to see.

I just took a pamphlet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 82! 

I am so happy, because I live at 74…so it’s not that far to walk home afterwards!

It’s been a bit of a strange day!  
First I found a hat full of money.
Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…

When punishing kids, don’t take away their electronics.

Take away their chargers.  Then watch the agony as their battery slowly dies…

I am so old that, when I was a kid, we actually had to win to get a trophy!

A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed, and pulled the blankets over them.  She was shocked — he hadn’t been like this for 20 years.  Then her husband said, “Look!  My new watch glows in the dark.”

 Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying at home in his jammies.

I am not having the same result.

A man boards a plane with six kids.  After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, “Are all of those kids yours?”

He replies, “No.  I work for a condom company.  These are customer complaints.”

And that’s it my friends.  This was a bit of a longer issue than usual.  I will begin working on Thursday’s episode because this is going to be an interesting week for me.  And we all know about the Chinese curse about living in interesting times.  I do ask for all of you God’s Blessings of Love and Happiness until that time and always.  Be healthy and well my friends and keep laughing.