Okay, it’s 1600 hrs. on Saturday.  I got home late last night.  My goal for this issue is three fold. 
#1 – To catch you up on what has happened since we’ve spoken last. 
#2 – To make you laugh, at least a little.
#3 – To publish this before I have to go and pick Izzy up from work at 2115 hrs.
Now, in order to accomplish those three things, it’s going to take coordination and cooperation amongst all of us.  First of all, it’s going to be a long story.  Second of all, by the time I get done, none of us may really FEEL like laughing, but we’re going to have to.  It’s a requirement.  And third, there are going to be other things that we’re going to have to do in-between as well.  Like answer the phone (that won’t seem to stop going off) feed the dragon (one of the things that got sorely ignored these last couple of weeks) and the dogs, stuff like that. 

So, are we ready? 

Okay, let’s do this.

We start right off with me leaving from Indianapolis Airport on Monday the 13th of November.  It seems like it was so much longer ago than that.  I had talked to a guy in Florida who rented cars on the Saturday before named Miler Acevedo at Miller’s Rental Car & More.  They are not a Big Name Place, this is a family run operation.  He told me he could have a car for me first thing Tuesday morning. 

Let me set the scene for you a little bit here.  Several people had keys to my brothers house.  At least five that I knew about, possibly more.  Friends, co-workers, neighbors, people that could come and check on him, take him to the hospital, or … whatever.  I don’t know.  One of those people, Lisa, a dear friend, co-worker, confidant, and someone who ended up becoming my “Girl-Friday” (if you don’t understand that reference…READ MORE!!!) while I was down there.  God used and abused this poor girl while I was there.  Lisa picked me up at the airport, drove me to Ken’s, gave me a key, helped me clean the house (it was a wreck!) changed the sheets on the bed in the room that Ken wasn’t using, washed a load of laundry, showed me where everything was, helped me break into the Wi-Fi, made sure I was settled in, and then left me alone.  We made arrangements for me to go to see Miler the next day to get a car because I had an appointment with the lawyer Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday morning, I got ahold of Miler and he said he was terribly sorry, but he wouldn’t have a car for me until late on Wednesday.  But, because of the way his business worked, he was really sorry.  I told him it wasn’t that big of a deal, I’d see if I could work something out, I’d move my lawyer appointment and of course I understood.  He was squeezing me in.  He knew the circumstances of my brother’s funeral, that we were both veterans and was already bending over backwards for me.  I called Lisa…oh, and I should say right now, that Lisa is British and has a very hard British accent.  It annoyed her a tiny bit and she also enjoyed the fact that, I was stationed in England for four years and her accent bothered me not at all.  But what I did find was that after just a short time, my own British dialect (?) (not accent, but word usage, not sure that dialect is the right word either) started coming out. 

Anyway, where was I? 

Oh yeah, I called Lisa and told her we weren’t picking up the car and she suggested we go to Budget where she normally goes when she needs to rent a car.  So I went on line, and they were reasonably priced, so I did everything on line, paid and got it set up.  All I had to do was go and pick it up.  Lisa came and got me and dropped me off and I was all set. 

No I wasn’t. 

When they put my driver’s license in the little machine that scans my license, the little light didn’t turn green, it turned red. 

The lady said, “I can’t rent you a car.” 

I said, “What are you talking about?” 

She said, “Your license, it’s no good.  I can’t rent you a car.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with my license.  I’ve already rented a car.  It’s paid for.  I gave them my license on line already.  They accepted it.  My license is fine.” 

“The light has to turn green.  Yours turned red.  See.” And she pushed my license through the machine again.  The light turned red.  She turned it over.  Red.  Flipped it around.  Red. 

I said, “Your machine is broken.” 

“No it’s not.” She grabbed another man’s license, pushed it in the machine, it turned green.

“There is nothing wrong with my license.  It’s almost brand new.  I work for the United States Government.  I’m down here for my brother’s bloody funeral! (See what I mean about the British words coming out?)  My ride is gone.  I’m stuck here.  I’ve already paid for this car.  Who can I talk to about this?” My voice, of course getting louder and angrier as I went.  And in the back of my head I hear, tiny voice saying: “Bob, you are a Christian man.  This woman is just following the rules the dumb company put before her.”  Meanwhile the lady is pointing to a customer service number that I can call.  So, no one to talk to here, but a number to call.

So of course, my first call is to Lisa, who is still trying to get to Disney so she can go to work.  Now I later found out that Kent, Lisa’s and my brother Ken’s boss, has told Lisa that she is to do anything for me that I ask for and he will make it right, because they are all, ultimately doing it for their brother, Ken. 

Lisa turns around and heads back to pick me up.  I call the “customer service” number and as calmly as possible explain the situation to the person who eventually gets on the phone after fighting my way through the seemingly unending battle of computer menus and she apologizes to me and tells me my money will be refunded to me in 3 to 10 business days. 

And at this point, I will admit to telling a little fib.  I asked her what I was supposed to do in the meantime?  Here I was, over a thousand miles away from home, here for my brother’s funeral, who is a veteran.  I am a veteran.  We’ve both already given so much for our country, and now the money that I was going to use to rent a car so I could get around and take care of and arrange his funeral is tied up because some stupid light wouldn’t turn green.  What am I supposed to do now while I wait 3 to 10 business days?  I think my money was put back on my credit card in about a day and a half.

So, Lisa picks me up and brings me back to Ken’s house.  I move the lawyer appointment to Thursday, figure there’s a bunch of other things I can do around the house.  Start looking through his papers things like that.

Jump ahead.  That evening Miler calls me and says he feels horrible about me having to change my appointments and everything and he’s not going to have a car for me until late on Wednesday or maybe even Thursday and before I can gasp for air thinking that if the driver’s license thing happened at one rental place, maybe it will happen at another rental place and I HAVE to rent at a local place just to be safe (I shoulda just realized early that God had a hand in ALL of this) Miler says, “So I feel really bad and I thought, I’m just going to be at work all day tomorrow anyway, so why don’t you just come in and I’ll let you use my car tomorrow and if the car I have for you comes in late today then I’ll call you and we can swap out or if it’s not convenient, we can do it first thing Thursday morning and I’ll drive the other car home from work.”

“So, you’re going to loan me your car for the day?”

“Yeah, we’ll just add it to the rental agreement and do it that way.”

WHO DOES THAT?  So I went over and got Miler’s car and drove it around for the day, really nice car.  He showed me how to hook up my cell phone to the car and it gave me GPS directions on the dash and stuff.  I saw where he had his cell phone connected.  When he cleaned the car up for me, he missed somebody’s toy in the back and grabbed it up real quick.  I got to run to the funeral home and make all the arrangements and such (I’ll talk about that in a minute).  And then later on that evening, just before he was getting ready to close, he calls me and tells me that he got a different car back early and he would really like me to have this car instead of the one that he was going to give me.  This one is extra nice for everything that I’m going through down here.  Another long story short, he gave me a 2023 Toyota Corolla, fully kitted out, with about 3,000 miles on it.  I have never driven such a beautiful car in my life.  That man treated me like family and I told him so.  God whispered in his ear.

Okay, it’s now 1719 hrs and it’s time to feed the dogs and the dragon, so I’ll be back shortly and we’ll talk about the funeral arrangements.  You know, the ones that I was so worried about.  Spoiler alert:  God was at work there, too.

So, when I went to the funeral home, you guys know I was really worried about spending a bunch of money on Ken’s funeral, and since it’s getting late, I’ll just cut to the chase.  God peeked inside my bank account and saw how much I had.  Then told Terry, the funeral director exactly how much to charge me so that he left me enough to get by on until I got paid back from Ken’s estate.  I didn’t have to withdraw money from my retirement fund or anything.  As a matter of fact, we had Ken cremated, had the use of the funeral home, had a very nice memorial service and everything, and it didn’t cost me as much as it cost me here in Indiana to just cremate my Mary. 

You should have seen Terry.  He sat at the table with me and he was talking to himself out loud, “Well, we’re going to give you this package, and let’s see, it costs this much, but your not going to use that part and that costs that much, so we’ll just subtract that from that, and you don’t need that, so that comes off, and that, and …” Then he writes down a number and turns the form around for me.  All the while I’m trying to figure out how I can talk him into waiting on the estate when he says, “I’m sorry to say in the state of Florida, the cremation has to be paid for before they can go ahead with it.” 

So, I say, “Well, how much is just the cremation and maybe we can…” and I look down at the form and I only see one number on there, and that number is less than $4,000 and I just stop talking because that’s like impossible.  

Terry said, “It’s a little higher because you picked out a bit of a more expensive urn (we got one with an eagle and a flag on it and I gather the package called for just a plain one) but I agree that it will go really well with the military funeral.”

And I said, “Ah…”

“We can take a check or a credit card.”

“I’ll write you a check, I just need to move money over from my savings account.” I didn’t tell him that I would have to move ALL my money over from my savings account.  But the important thing was, I HAD THE MONEY.  It was there.  It was covered.  It was there.  God made sure of it.  That was an absolute miracle.  We scheduled the funeral for the next Tuesday, because it takes time to do the cremation, there are time frames on everything and all that, and just like that, all the funeral arrangements were made.

So, the next day was the lawyer appointment where I got the lowdown on everything that had to do with Ken’s estate.  Here’s the Reader’s Digest Condensed version.  Ken and his ex-wife had wills.  Ken named his then wife as his executor and gave her power of attorney and named two of her relatives as his beneficiaries to get all his properties.  He has life insurance and other legal things that go to other people that don’t have anything to do with his estate.  They agreed when they got divorced that they were not going to changed their wills.  But, they did not get them legally ratified after their divorce.  

In the state of Florida, a divorce nullifies certain portions of a will, such as being the executor or power of attorney, unless you specifically go back and update your will after your divorce.  Just because you verbally agreed in front of your attorney at the time of your divorce doesn’t mean anything if nothing was done legally.  So, according to Florida state law, the executor has to be a relative (by blood or by marriage) a Florida state resident, or next of kin.  So, with his executor taken out of the picture, there has to be a personal representative assigned.  It’s basically the same thing as an executor, but with not as much flexibility.  The rules are the same.  Ex-wife can’t do it, even though she is the perfect choice, she still loves him to no end.  There is a long story there that I really don’t have time to get into here.  Then comes the beneficiaries.  Well, due to the divorce they are no longer relatives and they are not Florida residents, so they are out.  No kids, so that goes to next of kin.  My dad is out so that is me and my sister.  My sister made it abundantly clear that if she was asked, she would turn it over to me.  

So, me it is.

Then the lawyer tells me that I need to open a trust fund with $3100.  That is a fund that they draw from to conduct the legal end of this nightmare…or…um…I mean business.  Nothing can be started until that is done first.  But what about the $450 I already gave you?  That is for today’s appointment.  This is the only kind of law they practice.  Wills, estates, unbreakable trusts, and they are VERY good at what they do.  The $3100 is what their law firm charges.  Period.  She told me, unofficially, in their estimation, when their part is all said and done, she expects that the unused portion she will refund is $2500.  She said this is really a pretty straightforward situation.

Yeah, but I just spent my last penny, almost literally, on the funeral.  I’m living off my credit card until payday, and that’s pretty much going to go to pay off my credit card, so I can live on it again until I can get things caught up.  Where in the heck am I going to get $3100 from?  Okay God, this one is all yours.

Oh, and let me just throw this in here RIGHT NOW.  I wouldn’t have had money enough for the funeral if it wasn’t for Joseph P.’s donation.  You remember I thanked him for that back after Halloween.  Without that, I would’ve been short.  Just sayin’.  Answer to prayer brother, answer to prayer.  

Okay, and while I’m thanking, SINCE then I’ve also gotten help from Kevin C. and Lynn T.  Thank you guys SO VERY MUCH.  You guys are so special, so great.  I couldn’t do it without you.  It’s proven to me, time after time.

So, this is becoming a novel.  Move it along.  

So, Ken’s ex-wife makes it to town on Friday, she was in part of the lawyer meeting with me by speaker phone, we discover the possibility that she might still be on Ken’s account at the bank and that might be where we can get the $3100!  So she races right from the airport to pick me up to go to the bank at Disney…I kid you not, that’s another whole thing in and of itself…and ask to see the manager about 1 hour before they close for the weekend, lay it all out for him, ask him if he can check and see if she is still on his account and if it’s Ken “and” her then she is entitled to 50% of what’s in there and if it’s Ken “or” her she’s entitled to all of what’s in there and we can work it all out and … 

Nope, she’s not on there at all.  So I explain to him that I will be Ken’s Personal Representative and what am I going to have to do and he says I will have to fly back down and … and I interrupt and say, “I will have to come down and personally sign?”  and he says yeah, I have to sign and they have to hand me a cashier’s check.  Terrific.  

So, I’m about ready to stand up and leave and Ken’s ex says, “So, I still have an account here.  I’d like you to cut a cashier’s check for $3,100 and make it out to, what was the name of the law firm, Bob?”  And that is how God took care of THAT problem.  She understands that she will be paid back as part of the expenses when things start to settle out.  The expenses are paid first.  That was her nest egg that she was building on for her business.  And she found out that she was cut out of the life insurance and everything else that was supposed to come to her and she still did that.  That is how much she still loves that man.

The death certificates came in on Monday before the funeral so they and the $3100 check got dropped off at the lawyer’s office so they can start the process.  I will have to fly back down to close out his bank.  

The funeral on Tuesday was a great success.  My dad and his wife drove up from down south Florida.  That I will talk about another time.  The military honors were great.  And he will be enshrined at Canaveral Cemetery when a date is set.

Here is a picture of the … I don’t know what you would call it, but that is Ken’s urn in the middle. 

If you look closely on the left, you can see a white snowy owl.  Our dad carved that for Ken several years ago.  It was a good service.  Myself and two others spoke.  It’s still hard to talk about now, so I’ll move on.

Thursday was Thanksgiving.  I had turned the car in to Miler on Wednesday morning, early so that he would have a chance to rent it again to someone over the holidays so he would have the best chance to make more money off it.  I wasn’t going to need it.  I had a ride to the airport on Friday.  So, I spent Thursday cleaning, packing, doing laundry, straightening up.  Oh!  I had the locks changed on the house on Wednesday.  Talked to Izzy on the phone a little on Thursday, but mostly contemplated things.

Flew home on Friday, yesterday, got in, hugged Izzy for a very long time.  Found out that a dear friend was in the hospital, so went there this morning, as well as did a little business.  

And I think that about catches you up.

So, let’s take a deep breath, now and for just a little bit, 

I want to start off with a quick note that I got from one of our dear campers and also a dear friend.

Like I’ve told you before, nurse for 40 years. I did not know there was such a thing as Dragon Withdrawal…but there is. I’m going through it…please take care of everything ,but hurry back before the seizures start.

Okay, so you cracked me up.  And I’m doing the best that I can.  I don’t have much time left, but let’s see what we can get done.

QUOTES FROM WORK 

Quote from a recent meeting: ‘We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done’. 

Quote from the Boss… ‘I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.’ 

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

A direct quote from the Boss: ‘We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.’ 

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar territory. 

My Boss said to me ‘ What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.’ 

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. 

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too … but at least I respect him. 

He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. 

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. 

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: ‘ I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!’ 

HR Manager to job candidate ‘I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions. 

‘Quote from telephone inquiry ‘We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.’ 

Great minds have purposes, little minds have wishes.

-Washington Irving (1783 – 1859)

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.”

– Terry Pratchett (1948-2015)

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the cubicle set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests. One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, “Pete, how the hell do you do it? You’re a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what’s your secret?”

Pete was in a conversational mood. “I wouldn’t do this for everybody, Eddie,” he said, “but you’re a friend, so I’ll tell you my secret. Like all great plans, it’s really very simple. It’s all in the approach!  Tonight, take the 5:21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You’ll find dozens of women there waiting for their husbands. Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course.”

The system was indeed simple, and also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5:21 that night with Pete’s instructions fixed firmly in his mind. But he dozed en route and didn’t waken till Plandome, two stops after Great Neck. He got off the train in a hurry and was about to catch a cab back to his destination when he noticed an unescorted female standing on the platform looking very available.

He sauntered over casually, lit her cigarette, and asked whether she’d like to have a nice quiet drink with him.  “I’d love to,” she said, “but let’s go to my place. It’s near here and it’s very, very quiet.”

Everything went as planned. They had a small dinner at her place, some drinks, then they retired to the pleasures of the bedroom. They’d been enjoying themselves only a few minutes, however, when the door swung open and the woman’s husband entered.

“Dammit, Betty!” he cried. “What the hell’s going on here? So this is what you do when my back is turned… And as for you, you bastard-I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!”

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE!

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

 

Commandment 2.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

 

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

 

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

Either the car is new or the wife is.

 

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

 

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

 

Commandment 9.

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.

That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

 

Commandment 10.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

 

Bonus Commandment story.

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled.IT REALLY WORKS

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”

Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil. 

While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging.

“It’s a cat,” he told me, “but a truck ran over it.”

Sometime later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.

“What happened to this animal?” I asked.

Neil shrugged and said simply, “Same truck.”

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked. 

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied. 

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the dean much impressed. 

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.” 

We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.

Five of the six have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member,Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”

“That’s your father.”

“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”

THAT’S YOUR FATHER

I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming.

The guy looked at me. He went, “Shhhh.”

That’s it my friends.  That’s all I have time for.  I have to take the dogs out and then go and get Izzy.  You probably won’t get an issue from me again until Thursday at the earliest because I have so much to do.  I may have to take a look at how often I publish for a little while.  I have no idea how much time this estate thing is going to take out of me, but we’ll see how it goes.  For now, I’ll do the very best that I can.  Come to find out, some of you readers are working for Disney, too.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I am still in Florida…. When I finally do get back, you won’t possibly believe the story I have to tell. There are tears, so many tears in my eyes as I write this to you but for now, as I just now got this posted to the website, I wanted to share it with you. I have no idea why this makes it feel so much more final

https://www.collisoncareyhand.com/obituaries/kenneth-wydock

Today is Friday.  The official observant holiday for Veterans Day, even though tomorrow, the 11th of November is the official Holiday.  I am still in Indiana.  But, I am now leaving early next week.  Everything is worse today then the last time I talked to you.  I am not going to go into it except to say that I am going down there to straighten it out and it may cost me every penny I have in my retirement fund to do it. 

But he is my brother and I owe it to him.  Just pray for me that I don’t get taken advantage of, because I am relying on so many different people to be honest and straightforward with me.  And you guys know as well as I do what the odds are of that happening. 

So, as I’m sitting here, let’s put together an issue we can all laugh at, and keep our heads above our shoulders for a one more time before I go.  Understand that this is all just earthly stuff and that God has all the rest of it.  It’s all in His hands.  He’s got this!  And so for the rest of this…

Yup, doesn’t surprise me at all.  Where do you green freaks THINK the electricity comes from?  Magically out of the ground?

A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure.

After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading.

He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp.

Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate’s feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination.

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, “Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!”

Little Morris’ 2nd grade class was on a field trip to a local police station.  At the station they saw photos of the 10 most wanted criminals. tacked to a bulletin board.

Morris pointed at a photo and asked if one of the photos was really that of a bad criminal.

” Yes ” said a policeman, ” He is a very dangerous person and we want to capture him very badly.”

Morris looked puzzled and said, ” So why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? “

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

“Yes.”

“What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”

“Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”

“Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving” motioned the monkey.

All men make mistakes but the married ones find out about it a lot sooner.

Red Skelton  (1913-1997)

A hospital gown is like insurance.

You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

“Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. 

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one. 

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. 

“Do you have any questions?” she asked. 

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.” 

As an English teacher, my cousin spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students’ written work.

She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one really busy day when she was sitting at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Van Tine ?” –

Describing her emotional state, she replied, “Tense,”

After a slight pause the student tried again … “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? … ???”

A traveler afoot in the mountains came upon a terrifying scene.

In front of a lonely mountain cabin, a man was in deadly combat with a huge bear, while his wife sat on a stump nearby with a rifle across her lap.

“Why don’t you shoot that beast? cried the traveler.

“I will if I have to”, she replied tersely, “but he’s a drunken bum and I’m hoping the bear will save me the trouble.”

My dear friends and fellow campers,

Ted sent this to me and under normal circumstances I would save it for an opening or for a Last Word, but I am in a hurry to put this issue together for you guys.  I’ve already had SO MANY interruptions today and my mind is so scattered and on other things that I am going to put it right here because I just opened the email and found it. 

So, without further ado, here is “In The Last Quarter of Life” sent in by Ted.  Thank you Ted. 

“In the last Quarter of Life”

A lot of us are in the last quarter of life and I share without politics, religion, race cards. Just gentle thoughts:

You know, time has a way of catching you off-guard about how quickly it travels.

It feels like just yesterday that I was young and ready to start adult-life. And in a way it feels like eons ago, and I wonder where the years have gone.

I know I lived them all.

I remember all my hopes and dreams. I remember the plans I made.

And suddenly, here I am in the last quarter.

How did I get here so fast?

Where have the years gone and where did my youth go?

I can recall looking at older people, thinking how long it will take for me to get where they are. That I am still in my youth, that I have many years ahead. At that time I could not even think of being where I am now.

And yet, here I am.

My friends are retired, they all have grey hair, they move much slower than they did and when I look at them, I see older people. Some are in a better and some a worse condition than me. But I see the big difference. They are no longer the youthful, carefree, full-of-life friends.

Just like me, age shows. And we are now the older people we used to look at and thought it was still a long way off.

I find that these days, taking a shower takes its toll on my breath and energy levels. And an afternoon nap is not just a treat, it’s become a necessity. And if I don’t, I find myself sleeping in the same chair I started reading or watching television in.

Now I have entered this new season of my life, totally unprepared for the discomfort, aches and pains, loss of energy and strength and ability to do what I could, yet sometimes didn’t. At least I know that, even though I am in the last quarter and I have no idea how long this quarter will be, when my time on earth is over, a new adventure awaits too.

Yes, I do have things I wish I I had never done. Yet so thankful for those I did. It is all in a lifetime.

And if you are not in the last quarter yet, I want to remind you that it comes faster than you could anticipate. Do the things you still want to do as soon as possible. Do not procrastinate. Life runs on fast legs.

Do today what you can.

There is no promise that we will all see the seasons of life. Live for today. For now.

Say the words to the ones you love. Often.

Hopefully some will appreciate the things you did for them. And if they don’t, it is also okay.

Life is truly a gift. Just be happy. It is after all your choice.

And remember that health is a treasure, not wealth, gold and silver, property or your bank balance.

You may think that going out is the best, but believe me – coming home is better.

You may forget names and that is okay, because some have already forgotten that they knew you.

The things you cared about previously, you may lose interest in.

If you fall asleep in your favorite chair, stay there.

Growing older is wonderful. It is comfortable. It is loaded with memories that you never grow tired of. It is an absolute treasure.

Look after yourself.

It so much describes everything I am feeling right at this moment in my life….

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

                   BUT. . .

A woman must do what he can’t.

Iowa Law

One armed piano players must perform for free.

I thought that is the silliest thing that I’ve ever heard of and can’t possibly be true!  Then I thought, Impish, you’ve been dealing with Florida State Law for the last couple of weeks and how completely asinine THAT is and I never even bothered to check on the Iowa law.

Okay, it’s now 15 minutes later and I must confess, it was bugging me.  Because I almost always check.  And I shouldn’t have.  Because now I know even MORE stupid stuff.  Yes, it’s true….. ALONG WITH:

Mustached men may not kiss women in public

AND

It is illegal to sell drugs without the appropriate stamp.  And that one was done SPECIFICALLY to stem the illegal drug trade.  As if the illegal drug sellers are going to run out and get a stamp so their be … what?  Less illegal?  I really should’ve let it go.

So many things I’d like to talk about politically right now.  How disappointed I am in the young people of our country who don’t understand what’s going on over in Israel with the Hamas and how all roads lead back to Iran.  And how they all think that Israel has treated them all so poorly over the years and they haven’t, not at all.  God gave Israel to the Jews from the beginning of time.  If you don’t believe that, look in Genesis.  And I’d love to tell you how disappointed I am in how my own country, that I’ve agreed to give up my one and only LIFE for, is nothing more than an arms dealer by funding both sides of the same conflict.  Giving money to Iran and Israel.  By sending billions of dollars in aid to Ukraine with no accountability because most of it is coming back to line the pockets of the same crooked politicians who sent it over there to begin with.  So many, many other things I’d love to sit here and talk to you about, but instead, I’m going to throw some memes and cartoons at you and live to rant another day.  I’m sorry my friends.  Death and funerals and poor planning affect us all. 

Joe from NJ sent this one to me and told me it’s an Oldie… hence the Old E at the top of the story.  And I read through the story and I recognized it and thought, “Yeah, I’ve heard this before” but then I started thinking about it…and I’m not 100% sure, especially since it says it took place in San Diego, but I am almost positive I heard this story from one of the agents who said he was there. So…

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on “Global Organized Crime.”

The author who introduced the story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m a FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re a FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is a FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is a FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so.

CLICK.

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet.

“We haven’t got one of those here,” said the clerk.

“Oh, no!” I said, crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I’d called.

“Don’t worry,” he added helpfully. “I’ll contact our other outlets to see if there’s anybody out there sitting on one.”

Terms To Know…

TRAFFIC LIGHT

Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE

Postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER

Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE

Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.

SWIMMING POOL

A mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL

The ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN

Man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL

Person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC

A person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM

Any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.

OPTIMIST

Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE

Bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS

Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA

When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET

A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

       Forty-three (43) said yes,

       six (6) were undecided,

       and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. 

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. 

She  looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, “I  guess all those f**king lessons I took this winter didn’t help.” 

One  of the men immediately replies, “Now, you see, that’s your problem. 

You should have taken golf lessons instead.” 

This one is bad and quite a bit stereotyping.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb,” (fireworks are legal in

Alabama) “light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and Georgia, and possibly-Minnesota!

Don’t I wish!  Although my other roommate in Germany, not Wheats, but Smitty, from what I understand (because we lost touch) got a bunch of guys together in Rhode Island and bought an old F-4 … it would have to be an old C or D model and they were rebuilding it in order to fly it.  I’ve done searches before but could never find any information on anything.

A wife shows her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him, “Doesn’t this belong to your secretary?” 

“Where did you find that?” he stutters. 

“I didn’t,” she answers. “The mailman found it on your night-stand.” 

Okay, I gotta admit, this is weird, even for me.  And I ashamedly admit, that I watched this whole thing with rapt attention.  Thanks to Joe for sending this one in.  He called it, “How Long Did A Person Stay Alive After Being Guillotined?

And that’s it my friends.  I’ve run out of time for today and I want to publish today, so there it is.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we talk again.  I will try and give you updates while I’m gone, even if they are fast ones through my phone.  Be well.

Well……I’m still at home.  And that’s a very long story.  It looks like it’s going to be a bit before I can head down to Florida.  So, I’m going to try and put together a regular issue that we can all laugh at and so we can laugh together. 

Because my friends, this is honestly tearing me up inside.  I have cancelled so many different plans to head down to Florida and different plans to do … well … like I said, long story. 

So, right now I’m just waiting.  Monday I’m going back to work until I know something and I’m letting someone else handle things until they tell me that they need me to handle things…and when they do, I will.  If they don’t, even better. 

So, let’s start laughing.  Because laughter helps.  No matter the hurt.

Lynn has sent me this interesting article called “Will We See the Rebuilding of the Temple Before the Rapture?” and since enough of you have indicated an interest, like me, and since this is as topical as it is for so many different reasons as it is, and because it is of special interest of mine right now, I am sending it out to you guys with my special thanks to Lynn:

Restoration of the Jewish temple is tough to imagine. Sacred to Jews, Muslims, and Christians, the site of Herod’s ancient sanctuary stirs up conflicting claims and heated emotions. At present, Al-Aqsa Mosque occupies the Temple Mount. Israel’s Foreign Minister and Alternate Prime Minister, Yair Lapid, has vowed to maintain the status quo, saying, “Muslims pray on the Temple Mount, non-Muslims can only visit. There is no change, and there will be no change.”

But according to Scripture, the temple will be rebuilt by the middle of the Tribulation. Paul foresaw a day when the Antichrist will sit “as God in the temple of God, showing himself that he is God” (2 Thessalonians 2:4). In the Olivet Discourse, Jesus referred to the restored temple and its desecration: “When you see the ‘abomination of desolation,’ spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing in the holy place… then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains…. For then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no, nor ever shall be” (Matthew 24:15-16, 21).

Well, my answer to the question wouldn’t be that it would be the end, but the beginning.  If you are assured of your eternity than nothing else matters, but the author of this piece, whoever that might be, postulates some very interesting questions.  Questions that somehow seem quite timely right now.  Thanks Lynn for sharing.

And another interesting article from Lynn.  This one is called Sumerian Art.

Sumerians Looked to the Heavens as They Invented the System of Time… And We Still Use it Today.

 One might find it curious that we divide the hours into 60 minutes and the days into 24 hours – why not a multiple of 10 or 12? Put quite simply, the answer is because the inventors of time did not operate on a decimal (base-10) or duodecimal (base-12) system but a sexagesimal (base-60) system. 

For the ancient Sumerian innovators who first divided the movements of the heavens into countable intervals, 60 was the perfect number. The number 60 can be divided by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 12, 15, 20, and 30 equal parts. 

Moreover, ancient astronomers believed there were 360 days in a year, a number which 60 fits neatly into six times.

 The Sumerian Empire did not last. However, for more than 5,000 years the world has remained committed to their delineation of time.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
 
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
 
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus.
 
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
 
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven.
 
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” He replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.”
 
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
 
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
 
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
 
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… It was a brief case.
 
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
 
My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. I gave her an egg.
 
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
 
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right…Jack and the beans talk.
 
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
 
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That’s right. The steaks were pretty high.

I went to the paint store to get thinner.  It didn’t work.

I got nothing, but it is a cool picture.

This one is from Ted:

“In the last Quarter of Life”

A lot of us are in the last quarter of life and I share without politics, religion, race cards. Just gentle thoughts:

You know, time has a way of catching you off-guard about how quickly it travels.

It feels like just yesterday that I was young and ready to start adult-life. And in a way it feels like eons ago, and I wonder where the years have gone.

I know I lived them all.

I remember all my hopes and dreams. I remember the plans I made.

And suddenly, here I am in the last quarter.

How did I get here so fast?

Where have the years gone and where did my youth go?

I can recall looking at older people, thinking how long it will take for me to get where they are. That I am still in my youth, that I have many years ahead. At that time I could not even think of being where I am now.

And yet, here I am.

My friends are retired, they all have grey hair, they move much slower than they did and when I look at them, I see older people. Some are in a better and some a worse condition than me. But I see the big difference. They are no longer the youthful, carefree, full-of-life friends.

Just like me, age shows. And we are now the older people we used to look at and thought it was still a long way off.

I find that these days, taking a shower takes its toll on my breath and energy levels. And an afternoon nap is not just a treat, it’s become a necessity. And if I don’t, I find myself sleeping in the same chair I started reading or watching television in.

Now I have entered this new season of my life, totally unprepared for the discomfort, aches and pains, loss of energy and strength and ability to do what I could, yet sometimes didn’t. At least I know that, even though I am in the last quarter and I have no idea how long this quarter will be, when my time on earth is over, a new adventure awaits too.

Yes, I do have things I wish I I had never done. Yet so thankful for those I did. It is all in a lifetime.

And if you are not in the last quarter yet, I want to remind you that it comes faster than you could anticipate. Do the things you still want to do as soon as possible. Do not procrastinate. Life runs on fast legs.

Do today what you can.

There is no promise that we will all see the seasons of life. Live for today. For now.

Say the words to the ones you love. Often.

Hopefully some will appreciate the things you did for them. And if they don’t, it is also okay.

Life is truly a gift. Just be happy. It is afterall your choice.

And remember that health is a treasure, not wealth, gold and silver, property or your bank balance.

You may think that going out is the best, but believe me – coming home is better.

You may forget names and that is okay, because some have already forgotten that they knew you.

The things you cared about previously, you may lose interest in.

If you fall asleep in your favourite chair, stay there.

Growing older is wonderful. It is comfortable. It is loaded with memories that you never grow tired of. It is an absolute treasure.

Look after yourself.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

My wife and I went to a “Dude Ranch” while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn’t, she replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.”

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me… why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.”

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: “You American folk eat the whole bread??”

American (in a bad mood): “Of course.”

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t.

In France, we only eat what’s inside.

The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.”

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat jelly with the bread??”

American: “Of Course.”

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).  “We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states.”

The American then asks: “Do you have sex in France?”

Frenchman: “Why of course we do”, he says with a big smirk.

American: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

Frenchman: “We throw them away, of course.”

American: “We don’t.

In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France.”

How long have you been driving without a tail light, mam?” the policeman asked Cathy, a blonde.

Cathy jumped out, ran to the rear of her car, and gave a low moan. Her distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on her a bit.

“Aw, come now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”

“It isn’t?” cried Cathy. “What happened to my husband’s boat and trailer?

“My uncle ran for Congress last year.”

“Really? What does he do now?”

“Nothing. He got elected.”

Browsing through a magazine, John was caught by a story about chickens, which have yellow eyes, being fitted with red contact lenses, which “make them eat less, lay more, and stop henpecking.” That’s what it said.

John turns to Jill and says, “You know, once word of this gets around, rose-colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives.”

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I’ll give you a free beer.”

So the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her her name.

“Sarah,” she says. He looks at her incredible legs and realizes “Sarah’s Legs” would make a great name for the bar. He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar “Sarah’s Legs.”

The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks by and asks, “What are you doing out here, handsome?”

“Oh, he answers, “I’m just waiting for Sarah’s Legs to open so I can have a couple of quick ones.”

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.

Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said “Ya know Mahtha, Ah’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane”.

Every year Martha would say, “Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs… and ten dollahs is ten dollahs”.

So Stumpy says “By Jeebahs, Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, if I don’t go this time I may nevah go”.

Martha replies, “Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs”.

So the pilot overhears them and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won’t charge you, but just one word and it’s ten dollars”.

They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing…so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you holler out, but you didn’t!”

And Stumpy replies, “Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out…but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!”

I think the above is a picture of heaven.

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.

“What did you do?” asked the bartender.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he alked over to her, placed his hand up er skirt and began fondling her. 

She jumped up and slapped him silly. 

He immediately apologized and explained, I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” 

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she screamed.

“That’s funny,” he muttered, “You even sound exactly like her.” 

A factory owner said to a store owner, “Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you.”

“Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith. “You know that I argue every bill and always pay late.”

The factory owner said, “I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred.”

Well, that’s it my friends.  I’m going to end this here and publish it immediately.  Things, of course are falling apart again.  While I was writing this, more trouble has been caused.  I am so tired of it.  So, I’m going to say to you all, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.

My dear friends.  Today is Wednesday, as you will probably know if I can get this done today, and I am still sitting on my own couch in my own living room, because all of this has been such an incredible mess. 

I just went back and reread what I wrote in my last message to you guys and I’m going to try and basically pick up where I left off. 

A tiny bit of background first.  I think I told you guys that my brother, Ken was sick.  Well, not sick as much as suffering medically.  I won’t go into the issues he had, but suffice to say that he had medical challenges. 

Since I spoke with you last, I have spoken to so many people in Florida.  I truly believe that he told all his friends, “If anything happens to me call my brother in Indiana and here’s his phone number.” because I have gotten call after call from people that, for the most part, I’ve never heard of before.  And each and every one of them said a variation of the same thing to me.  They all said, “Ken was my best friend.”  Then they talked to me on the phone for quite a while and most of them cried. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT complaining.  I’m truly amazed and overjoyed.  Ken obviously touched an awful lot of people.  That’s a wonderful thing.  There were other things going on in his life also, but I’m not going to go into that here.  I’m going to focus on the great things in his life.  So many people loved him. 

And they all called me.

I take that back. 

I’m sure no where NEAR everyone called me.  Which astounds me all the more.  But there were a lot.

One of the ladies, who has been friends with Ken, who Ken told me several times was his best friend and whom he’s known for close to 20 years…let me call her … Ekater … (I’m trying to protect people’s names here if you haven’t already figured that out) has been so incredibly helpful from the start, was pretty sure she knew where all Ken’s important papers and will and DD214 and … you get the idea.  She wasn’t able to find it. 

Plus, on top of all that, legally, there is a legal hierarchy in who can make decisions.  Spouse is first (Ken is divorced) then comes children (he has none) then parents (Mom passed away many years ago, Dad has dementia) then siblings.  Funeral home needs letter from healthcare provider about Dad’s condition and then it falls to my sister and I, neither one having precedence over the other. 

In steps the drama.  And I would NEVER air any of this publicly, so we’ll just let it go at that. 

So, at this point in time, we still don’t have a will because we don’t know if Ken did a new will when him and his wife divorced at the beginning of the year.  We don’t know who is authorized to make decisions as far as arrangements are concerned, but I did find out that whoever signs the paperwork at the funeral home is responsible for payment in FULL prior to anything being done.  (I said, “I know when my wife passed away not quite two years ago, they waited for the life insurance…” they said in the state of Florida they don’t really do that, but they might be able to work something out with a bank and the life insurance beneficiary… but we don’t even know who that IS)  So, I may be taking money out of my retirement fund to pay for this, which will completely mess up my retirement.  But I know that God will take care of me.  [On a somewhat related side note, the way the world is going, the rapture may happen at any moment and all this is a completely moot point!  I keep reminding myself that these are all just earthly things!] 

Now, my plans were to fly down there, stay in his house, drive his car while I was there, no big deal, right?  That’s what I thought.  Well, after some VERY unexpected family drama, and not being able to find the will and other things, …wait, what was I calling her … oh yeah … Ekater pointed out that at this point, we have no idea who owns the house or the car or anything! 

I had bought a ticket to fly out Thursday morning, but with us not knowing anything and now not having a place to live, I’d have to book a room…outside of Disneyworld.  When I started pricing that, even using military discounts and such.  I almost maxed out my credit card before I even got done.  So, with everything up in the air and not being able to do anything once I got down there except sit in place and spend money that I don’t really have, I canceled my flight.

And the dear sweet agent at Allegiant Airlines was so understanding.  She told me that we have two options.  Change to a different date…I said I don’t really know…she said or I give you a voucher that you can use at another time.  I said that one!  So, even if it doesn’t line up that I fly out on Allegiant, I may have to fly on Allegiant another time and she dated it so that I have a whole year to use it.  I think I lost $25 on the deal. 

So, now I’m sitting here, 1,043 miles away trying to help as best I can, while not trying to overstep my bounds and staying in my own lane and keep everyone’s … his true best friend, his former wife (who still loves him very much), all his other best friends, all the people he worked with (I’ll show you that in a minute), what’s left of his family, but most of all and most importantly of all Ken himself …wishes and desires for Ken’s final send off. 

And trust me, my dear, dear friends when I tell you, that it is beating me down inside so badly that I can’t hardly take it.  I have counseled with my Pastor twice over this and he has been wonderful.  I have SO MANY people praying for me.  I can feel their strength.  And I need every bit of it. 

I won’t say this is harder than when Mary passed, because it’s not.  That was way harder emotionally and I didn’t have the same bond with God then that I do now.  This is harder different.  Earthly harder. 

So, okay…let’s move just a little off the dime, shall we? 

OH!  First I HAVE to say, thank you, thank you, thank you to EVERYONE who has sent so many GREAT emails and comments and even a phone call or two.  I am blessed by your friendship, your prayers, your caring, and your love.  Thank you. 

A very special thank you to Joseph P. for the truly, TRULY generous gift you sent.  Brother you made me cry.  I have no words.  (I know…all of you out there are saying to yourself, “yeah, right!”)  But truly, from the bottom of my heart, it will indeed help immensely.  You are solving problems my friend. 

Now, let’s move a tiny bit further off the dime.  One of the people that Ken worked with sent me this … I guess you’d call it an internal memo, maybe … at Disney where Ken worked.  I’m going to redact it a little, again protecting names, but I do want to share it with you.

Thank you sir.  That was from Ken’s supervisor, fellow veteran and good friend.  Notice I didn’t say “best” friend.  I spoke with him a few times and he never said they were best friends.  He told me and several others also mentioned it, that the two of them spent many hours talking and discussing many things, a lot of them military and the state of the military.  But, both being veterans, neither would ever dream of saying the other was the “best” friend unless they truly were.  That’s just the way veterans were.  There will always be a bond, just BECAUSE they are both Vets, but being good friends is very often enough.  Besides, Ken was Air Force and he was Army, so… LOL! 

But there is ALWAYS the brotherhood. 

The next question is do I dare try to throw in some laughter to this…thing that has become an issue in and of itself?   You know what?  Let’s do this:  I truly don’t feel much like laughing, especially after everything I just wrote.  And it seems a bit inappropriate to start adding memes and such to the end of this.  Here shortly I have to go and get ready for my Jail Ministry for tonight and I have to tell those guys that I’m going to be gone for possibly a couple of weeks.  So, I’m going to end this here, send it out and try, TRY mind you, to send out a kind of issue before I head out for Florida.  Unless things go batty crazy fast and I turn around and head right out.  But, if that’s the case I’ll try and let you guys know. 

So, for now, and until we speak again, know that each and everyone of you is loved, is deeply appreciated and may you all be blessed by God with Love, Happiness, and Laughter until we meet again.

Cheers! 

Impish Dragon