Well, it’s Saturday.  I made it this far with my new…teeth.  I hesitate to call them teeth, but they are supposed to be used that way.  Right now they are just red.  Red with pain.  But, I am beginning to start eating food.  I had oatmeal for breakfast and right now, I’m eating like a school kid, eating canned mini-ravioli.  It’s soft and it’s food.  Kind of.  But at least it’s filling and it will put something in my stomach.

I had a couple of … well, I won’t call them complaints, instead I’ll call them observations … I had a couple of observations about this morning’s issue.  It was said that the link in the email didn’t take them to the issue for today.  I have no control over the email that goes out.  That’s all controlled by Word Press.  I post the episode to the website and Word Press sends out an email saying it’s up.  So, my recommendation to everyone when something like that happens is, just go to the website and read it there.  It’s really easy, just go to dragonlaffs.com https://dragonlaffs.com/ and the issue will always be right there….plus all the old issues. 

Oh!  And in reply to Gene M. I know I replied in the comments section, but AFTER I replied there, I did go and check them out at Amazon and was very impressed with the write up and the reviews, so I did order a pair, caught a special coupon to go along with the special you were talking about and got an extra 15% on top of everything else and even beat the $22.76 price you were talking about.  Couldn’t pass them up after getting the personal recommendation from a long time reader…I should have them next week!  Maybe I’ll even wrap them and put them under the tree for myself as a present!  Thanks again!

Now…

You younger ones won’t even get that one.

Okay, admit it…how many of you have had conversations just like that one?

Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together.

For their 30th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.

For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.

For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it’s quiet and has a nice view.

For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it’s wheelchair accessible.

For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they’ve never been there before!

A friend who lost her mate several years ago developed a friendship with a man who had also lost his spouse. They seemed a perfect match, and all their children agreed they should get married. This was their invitation: 

Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father. Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents! 

Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony. 

In a high school science quiz, there was the question,

“When water becomes ice, which of its physical properties increases?”

Everyone answered,

“Its volume increases.”

Well, almost everyone. One wise guy wrote,

“When water becomes ice, its price increases.”

So nicely done!

I dunno…the only thing I can think of is, “Batter Up!”

A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Here are some of the lines she received.

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful 

There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. 

The one day that he really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his step. 

The little mouse was so upset that he couldn’t leave. 

While he was trying to figure it out, he heard a dog barking. 

That’s when he got a great thought. He said to himself, “Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there’s no cat I can go for my walk.” 

So he strutted on out of his hole. 

All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him.

Then the cat said, “Wow, it’s great to be bilingual!” 

A monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across an elephant.

“Hello, Mr. Elephant”, he says, “what a fine day it is. Would you like to see my cock?”

Slightly startled the elephant says, “Good morning Mr Monkey. Why on earth would I want to see your genitalia?”

“Oh, it’s absolutely amazing”, came the reply, “you won’t regret this” and with that the monkey whips out his member which, as promised, amazed the elephant. There were FOUR tips to this particular monkey’s monkeyhood.

“My word!” said the elephant, “aren’t you the lucky one”.

The monkey continued his jaunt through the jungle when he happens upon a giraffe. “Hello up there Mr Giraffe. Let me show you my cock!”

Spluttering out the leaf he was munching the giraffe protests but he is equally as stunned as the elephant when he sees the monkeys’ four headed knob. “Incredible!” he states.

And off trots the monkey until he encounters a jaguar asleep under a tree. “Mr Jaguar! Mr Jaguar! Look at my extraordinary penis!”

Stirring from his sleep the jaguar wakes to find the mutant cock before his eyes, which he promptly bites off. 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH”, screams the monkey, “What did you do that for?”

“Because I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar” 

We do have very strange slumber parties.

If you can walk, you can dance, if you can talk, you can sing.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

– Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

What’s the difference between the Government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized.

This is actually so very true…I have seen this next “joke” in action:

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.  Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”  So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”  So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”  So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman. 

Actually, it’s a lot of the time…

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” she explained. “It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”

Okay, that bothers me just reading about it.

Umm… How do they know?

Now THAT is a beautiful quote!!

That’s a good one, too.

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy his dream spread in Wyoming.

“So, what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit

“We had a heck of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” his friend was impressed. “So where are all the cows?”

“None of ’em survived the branding.”

I give huge props to anyone who has the guts to get on this elevator!

You know, it might be completely incorrect, but it’s still gonna be funny…or wretched…or both.

Gee…that sounds awfully famil…I’m sorry, who are you guys?  You’re here to do what?  Change what I’m writi…XXXXXXXXX

That never happened.  That doesn’t sound at all familiar.  I don’t know what you are talking about.

Okay, so I was just kidding.  For now…

On this day in 1775, the British demanded we surrender our weapons. 

We shot them.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Whoever is making the comment, “How dumb can the democrats get?”  Please stop.  They are taking it as a challenge.

Yeah, welcome to modern day America.

Boy, ain’t that the truth.  Especially if your best friend is God.

Yeah, and you shouldn’t have said “FREE GIFT”.  Aren’t all gifts, by definition, free?

Iowa, Fort Madison Law

The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Izzy Dragon would agree with you 100% on that…and then politely ask you to hold the pumpkin pie.  You think I’m kidding?  She told me that while I was gone in Florida and we “celebrated” Thanksgiving separately, her dessert was Cool Whip.  I said, “On what?”  She said, “Just Cool Whip.”

THE PERKS OF GETTING OLD

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

You can’t remember who sent you this list.

You find yourself nodding in agreement as you read down this list.

That is my dog

Definitely something we would have tried in the dorm in Germany.

Remember when……..

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note. 
A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the night
Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2″ floppy you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you’d be in jail for a while.

I’ve worked for this guy.

Okay, if you didn’t get the last one, try singing it.

 

Yup!  There you go!

THAT IS AN AWESOME SIGN!!!!  I’m a Christian man and I would beg God’s forgiveness for stealing that sign!  An awesome group!  You younger folks are honestly sitting there going, “Who?  I’ve never heard of them.  Who are Emerson, Lake and Palmer?”  Let me help.”

One of my absolute favorites, but not really representative of their music…but maybe it was… Keith Emerson and Greg Lake died in 2016 and by way of modern computer science, Carl Palmer put together a reunion tour in 2023 to FANTASTIC reviews.  But this one…this one is much more emblematic of ELP’s music and who knows, maybe you’ll even recognize it.

So, it was a short tour, but I hope you enjoyed it.

Okay, going to be a little offensive here, but you can’t be a Christian and hate gay people.  You can’t be a Christian and hate people of a different skin color.  You can’t be a Christian and hate people for living differently than you.

To put it very bluntly, you can’t be a Christian and hate PEOPLE.

No, you don’t hate people.  Some people would say that you hate the sin and not the sinner, but I  won’t even go that far.  You understand that it is God’s Word that tells us what is right and what is wrong and it is ALSO God’s Word that tells us that it is not up to us to judge or to seek revenge.  Those are His tasks.  Our job is to love everyone.  That’s hard sometimes.  But that’s what God wants us to do.  We also have to forgive.  That’s even harder.  Okay, being led off on a tangent here, I don’t know why, but follow along with me. 

So, we’ve spoken before of Matthew 22: 37-39 – And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

So, our neighbor is everyone.  So, we are supposed to love everyone like we love ourselves. 

Now it gets harder, we are supposed to forgive everyone.  Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. 

And one more, just for emphasis.  Luke 6:27-28 – “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” 

Sounds tough, doesn’t it.  Now, I give you a scenario.  I want you to picture a child abuser…[dramatic pause] … someone you know, maybe you are friends with … [longer dramatic pause] … maybe someone you even invited into your home because they needed someplace to stay … and they abused one of your children. 

Now, you are not being asked, you are being told, by God that you need to 
■  Not seek revenge on this person  (Romans 12:19)
■  Forgive this person
■  Love this person

Now of course, you have free will.  God gave you that, too.  So, it’s all up to you.  And looking back at Ephesians, you may think that you are supposed to forgive people because of all the things that God forgave you over, but  now you are saying to yourself “Hey!  God never forgave ME for Child Abuse!  So why should I have to forgive this slimy animal who did this horrible thing to MY CHILD!!!”  Well, for one thing, you aren’t doing it for the slimy animal, you are doing it for you.  And if that person can come before God, truly repentant, be sorry for what he’s done, he, too can end up in eternal glory, in Heaven.  Just like the murderer on the cross beside Christ. No, you aren’t doing it for this person, you are doing it for YOUR salvation.  Same with the not seeking revenge (look up heaping hot coals on his head in the bible and then figure out what that REALLY means) and the same with loving this person.  

And I’m not saying it is easy.  I’m not saying I could do it.  (I pray, please God don’t EVER test me with something like that.)  But, that is what He is telling us we need to do. 

Could you? 
Could you NOT seek revenge? 
Could you forgive? 
Could you love this person?

Eventually.  If I’m being honest.  God has been so good to me and has PROVEN Himself over and over to me.  So yes.  I think, for me…eventually.  But God, I’m gonna need some help. 

Okay, that went further afield than I thought it would with a simple meme.  Yeah, you can’t be a Christian and hate.  There.  Got it.  Let’s move on.

I’ve seen this next one before and it is absolutely marvelous!! Thanks Joe for bringing it back around again!

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26.

He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

      1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
      2. it is a major component in acid rain
      3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
      4. accidental inhalation can kill you
      5. it contributes to erosion
      6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
      7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked fifty (50) people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
       Forty-three (43) said yes,
       Six (6) were undecided,
       And only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?” 

TEACHER SAYS

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
   Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.
   
   
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
   Really means: The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes.
   
   
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
   Really means: He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.
   
   
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
   Really means: The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term.
   
   
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
   Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.
   
   
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
   Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.
   
   
7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
   Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.
   
   
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
   Really means: He’s a bully.
   
   
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
   Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.
   
   
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
    Really means: She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers.
    
    
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
    Really means: He must have written the Whiner’s Guide.
    
    
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
    Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.
    
    
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
    Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

A baker is just getting ready lock his front door when a man rushes up. “I need to have a cake made right now!”  he exclaims.

“I’m sorry,” replies the baker.  “But I was just closing up.  I’ve dismissed my staff; I’ve shut down my machines; I’m afraid you’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait until tomorrow!”  insists the man.  “It’s absolutely imperative that this cake be made right now!”

The baker always liked to think of himself as a nice guy, so he says, “All right, I’ll see what I can do.”  He goes inside and turns all his appliances back on.  He then approaches the counter and ties on his apron.  “Okay, what is it you need?”

The man whips out a sketch from his pocket.  It’s a very well drawn depiction of a cake.  “It has to look just like this,” says the man. “Exactly one foot wide, one foot long, and six inches tall.  White frosting, blue icing, and a red cursive “S” in the middle.  Just like this.”

Somewhat startled, the baker ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies.  “I think I can do that.  It will be ready in about half an hour.”

“Half an hour!?”  exclaims the man.  “That won’t do.  I need this in fifteen minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes?”  responds the baker.  “I’m not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough.  It wouldn’t taste as good but…”

“I don’t care.  Just get to it, please,” blurts the man, while checking his watch frantically.

So the baker goes back and makes the cake.  He works faster than he ever has before, and somehow produces the cake in just under fifteen minutes.  He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven.  “Will this be sufficient?”  he asks.

The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket.  He checks the length, width, and height very carefully.  He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face.  “No no!”  he exclaims.  “The ‘s’ is the wrong shade of red!  It has to be the same shade as the sketch.  Oh, what will I do now??”

“Calm down,” says the baker.  “If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it.  It may take a few more minutes…”

“You can?”  asks the man anxiously.  “Well please, get going!”

So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new “S”.  A few minutes later he brings it back to the visibly distraught man.  “There you go.  Is this what you were looking for?”  he asks.

Once again the man scrutinizes the cake, checking every detail.  He compares the shades of red, and this time decides they’re all right. “Okay” says the man quickly, “this is good.  Can I pay you now.”

“Of course,” says the baker, hastily readying the cash register. “Now, the boxes we have available are over here.  Do you want to pick one out?”

“Oh no, that won’t be necessary,” answers the man.  “I’ll eat it here.”

How hugely, completely, and overwhelmingly disappointing of a joke

I found this next one quite interesting

Yup, that one looks really familiar.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good, either.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said his physician, “I can cure pneumonia.”

No kidding!!!

The young woman really thought she’d been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, “So . . .  how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?”

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, “Thrown.”

And that my friends brings us to the end of another episode.  I hope you all have a wonderful Monday morning.  I hope this went to all your inboxes and the link worked like it was supposed to.  Remember the email address is impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and the donation button in the upper right corner of the page still works…not that I’m asking for money, I’m not….just sayin’.  Also, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.  And until that time…

I have had a doctor appointment or some other kind of appointment of one kind or another every day this week, trying to catch up from stuff that I had to put off while I was gone to Florida.

Monday, I had to meet with my counselor.

Tuesday, I had my semi-annual podiatrist appointment so I can get my good diabetic shoes.  Even though my insurance is not paying for them anymore.  They changed my plan.  But it’s still the only way to get them and I WANT THEM!  They don’t make my feet hurt.

Wednesday was the sleep doctor (I don’t have sleep apnea anymore), my grief group on base at lunch time, and my Jail ministry Wednesday night.

Thursday, today, was my eye doctor appointment and I took Izzy to the store for a big grocery shopping to get ready for tomorrow when…

Friday I go to the dentist where they are going to rip out all of the remaining teeth I have left on the top and while my gums are still raw and bleeding they are going to shove a denture in my mouth, called hot denturing or something like that and then I’m going to be miserable for the rest of the weekend.

So, it’s been one of those weeks and I am already exhausted.  So I don’t know about you guys, but as for me… I NEED TO LAUGH!!!!!

Some of these I think I’ve used before because they look somewhat familiar…

Our buddy Sasquatch corrected one of the memes that we had from last issue…In a comment he writes: 

Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly Inland Revenue officer confronted him.

“It says here that you’re a bachelor – yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake.”

Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, “Yep, it surely was.”

Three ministers – a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned.  The next thing you know, they’re standing before St.Peter.

As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, “I can’t let you in.  You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny. ” St. Peter waved sadly, and poof!  Down the chute to the ‘Other Place’ they went.

Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in either,” said Saint Peter “You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!” Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and whang!  Down the chute went the Methodists.

The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “It ain’t looking good, Fanny.”

Sometimes it’s nice to just sit by yourself and relax and think.

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.

“What would you like for dinner, love?  Chicken, beef or lamb?”

He said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”

“Not you,” she said. “You’re having soup.  I was talking to the cat.”

This is such an adorable picture!!!!

And that one, too.

Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.

     Keep going!

This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted to record on their school telephone answering system. Too bad they can’t actually use it…

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did  not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual  answering machine message for the school 

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:-

To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2

To complain about what we do – Press 3

To swear at staff members – Press 4

To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -Press 5

If you want us to raise your child – Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8

To complain about bus transportation – Press 9

To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your children’s lack of effort… hang up and have a nice day!”

Downtown right outside Dragon Laffs, Inc.

Let’s put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: 

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing and eat for free;
The fifth would pay $1: 
The sixth would pay $3; 
The seventh $7; 
The eighth $12; 
The ninth $18. 
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. 

That’s what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement — until one day, the restaurant owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20.” 

So now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six — the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his “fair share?” 

The six men who had to pay realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.

But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being *paid* to eat their meal.

So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same proportion he had been paying. He proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay based on how they paid their taxes — and so: 

The fifth man paid nothing (he had been paying $1) 
The sixth pitched in $2 (instead of his usual $3), 
The seventh paid $5 (instead of his usual $7) 
The eighth paid $9 (instead of his usual $12) 
The ninth paid $14 (rather than his usual $18) 
Leaving the tenth man with a bill of $50 instead of his previous $59.

Each of the six was better off than before, and the first four continued to eat for free. 

As they left the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth and grumbled, “But he got $9!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. 

It’s unfair that he got nine times more than me!” 

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man, “Why should he get $9 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

The eighth man grumbled, “He got three times as much back as I did, it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair at all.” 

The ninth man screamed, “He got more than twice what I did.”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. 

“We didn’t get anything at all, the system exploits the poor, it’s unfair, it’s based on prejudice!” 

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. 

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. 

When it came time to pay the bill, they each chipped in their revised amounts for the $80 tab and discovered something very important.

They were $50 short! 

And that, boys and girls, journalists, college instructors (and teachers in general) is how the tax system works. 

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction

A MAN’S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? 

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?

Our brother Joe from NJ would like to make a holiday announcement….

If anyone is alone with no one to spend Christmas with, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

Okay, so I’m back from the dentist and man does my mouth hurt.  He pulled one tooth from the bottom and the five or six teeth remaining on the top.  Filled one cavity on the bottom and slammed the new denture in on the top.  He finished up about 3 hours ago and I still don’t have feeling back in my mouth all the way, I can’t eat or drink yet, my mouth is full of blood, I feel like crap and my day just keeps getting better and better.  

My poor Izzy gets a message from her boss that she can no longer wear shorts to work, she has to wear jeans.  Izzy HATES wearing pants.  She wears shorts all year long, even if there’s snow on the ground, this girl wears shorts.  This is just another example of Dollar General hurting their employees.  She wants to quit so bad she can taste it.  But, she can’t drive so she has to be really careful to get a job that she can get to.  I’m working on getting her a job on base.  But until then, I want her to hang on to what she has…but I’m really tempted to just let her quit.  

And I found out just a few minutes ago that I’m being sued.  Many years ago, Mary and I went through a 5 year thing where we used a legal firm to pay off all our debts.  We had a lot of them because of medical bills mostly.  We were paying our medical bills and food and everything on credit cards and being a poor government employee and not making much money, we got in really deep.  Well, this company helped get us out and at the end of the five years there were a couple of the debts that were written off.  I gather that one of those written off debts was sold as a batch to a company who is now trying to collect on those debts by taking people to court over them.  I haven’t even received the summons from the Sherriff’s office yet.  I got one of those advertisements in the mail from another legal office saying, “Public Records show that a lawsuit was filed against you, what happens next?” so I went on line to the state website and sure enough there is was.  And I downloaded a pdf of the summons, the complaint, all of it.  And if I remember it correctly, it was an old credit card bill.

So, I texted a dear friend who works with me in the Miami County Living Free Ministries who is a lawyer and she is going to look into it and see what it will take to settle.  Like I told her, just keep it out of court because that could cost me my job.  I’m ready to retire, but not yet.  

So yeah…it just keeps getting better and better.  And I still haven’t heard anything from the lawyers down in Florida about opening up my brothers estate!  Man, let’s go back to laughing.

This one is from Sasquatch and it’s called Comments from State Trooper on EVs

From an anonymous State Trooper in Wisconsin. I’m not a fan of all electric vehicles. Too many variables affecting battery consumption. Definitely not suited for cold climates. The following experience just cements my distaste for EV’s, especially Tesla.

I get sent to a motorist assist the other day, at the start of our snow storm. Tesla on the side of the interstate, dead battery. So I arrive on scene and the occupants have the right-front door open. They tell me that they can’t open any other doors, because the battery is dead. Sure enough. Can’t open the doors from inside or outside. The driver also can’t get her license out of the glove box where she put it during their trip. Because the glovebox opens electronically… and the battery is dead. You actually have to use the computer in the center of the dash to open the glovebox.

They said they had 10% battery left, should’ve been plenty to get from that location to the charging station nearby. Then all of a sudden the whole car shut off and they coasted to the shoulder.

So now I have to find them a tow. No one wants to tow EV’s. Finally found one company to do it. 8 mile trip to the charging station in Tomah. $1,000! Normal vehicle on the flatbed would’ve been $150.

So now we’re at the Tesla superchargers. 

Guess what. Can’t open the f’n charging port because the battery is dead!!! The ports open, you guessed it, electronically!!!. And we also can’t open the doors now (had to close the one open door when it was loaded onto the wrecker). The owners manual is in the on board computer, but the battery is dead.

I got the occupants to a store where they’d be warm while calling the rental company to figure out how to charge this POS, so I’m not sure of the outcome. I had to leave for a crash report.

I’ll stick with my dinosaur burner.

But if you’re like me and end up bend over, with your hands on your knees, trying not to pass out, it’s kind of obvious and the binoculars won’t help.

Here’s another one from our hairy friend called

Gun Logic

1 – Eleven teens die each day because of texting while driving.  Maybe it’s time to raise the age of “smart phone” ownership to 21.

     (FACT)

2 – If gun control laws actually worked, Chicago would be Mayberry, USA.

     (CHICAGO AND CALIFORNIA PROBABLY NEED TO PASS A LAW THAT STATES THAT CRIMINALS HAVE TO OBEY LAWS – OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE LAW)  (Isn’t that already the law?  Just asking)

3 – The Second Amendment (protects the right to keep and bear arms) makes more women equal than the entire feminist movement.

     (STOP AND THINK ABOUT THIS – THE “GREAT EQUALIZER”)

4 – Legal gun owners have 300 million guns and probably a trillion rounds of ammo. Seriously, folks, if we were the problem, you’d know it.

5 – When JFK was killed, nobody blamed the rifle.

6 – The NRA (National Rifle Association) murders 0 people and receives ($ 0) nothing in government funds.  Planned Parenthood kills 350,000 babies every year and receives $500,000,000 in tax dollars annually.

     (FACT)

7 – I have no problem with vigorous background checks when it comes to firearms.  But don’t be a hypocrite … let’s do the same when it comes to immigration, Voter ID, and candidates running for office.  (Amen and Amen!!)

8 – Folks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot, and probably has a trillion rounds.  The other side has crying closets, and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that would work out ?

9 – A man who left 300,000 guns, and $ 78B of military equipment, for the Taliban is lecturing folks on gun control.  NO JOKE !!!

Don’t be afraid to share this.  There’s more logic and common sense expressed here than probably anything you have seen on the news today.

And it’s amazing that they are using the same lines now.

That is wrong on so many levels

I’ve always understood that one.

That one may have been misfiled under political…but it’s still pretty darn funny.

It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands  of people who pay no price for being wrong.

~ Thomas Sowell

Just like the other parasites of our world…illegals living in luxury apartments, congressmen and senators that are multimillionaires, people perfectly capable of working who are on welfare, illegals on social security who never paid in a day of their lives, need I go on?  Now, I don’t consider people incapable of working, or all congressmen and senators, etc. to be parasites.  You know who they are.  They know who they are.  God wants us to work (Izzy and I just had this conversation) to pull our own weight, to help out our fellow man (and woman) when they can’t help themselves.  Not when they won’t help themselves.  If they won’t help themselves, then they deserve to starve.  2 Thessalonians 3:10 – For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat.  And why should it be any different now?  Notice it doesn’t say can not work, it says will not work.  In many other places it talks about helping your neighbor and feeding and clothing your brother, when they can not do it for themselves.  It is when they will not do it for themselves that we allow them to go hungry.  Okay, I’m done discussing parasites.  One of my least favorite creatures on the planet.  

Another reason why I love my 223 year old house.

David Sutcliffe writes:  

Remember when everyone knew pro wrestling was fake and they finally admitted it and the fans didn’t care and continued to watch anyway?

We’re almost there with politics and the media.

Another reason why you should always listen to your wife.

HOLY CRAP!!!! THEY MADE A CHAIR OUT OF COUSIN BILLY!!!!
I’m only kidding…it is a cool chair though.  I’d really like one for my backyard.

Thanks to Joe for sending in this next one.  I really didn’t think I was going to enjoy this one, but I found myself really getting into it by the end.  Lots and lots of good information here folks.

And since Sasquatch is sending us so much stuff this issue, here’s some more stuff from him… some..

Very Unimportant Facts

Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

I would think that one about the red lights would be worse if you spent most of your life in a big city.

No kidding!!!! I’d really like one of those chairs, also!!!

Things that make you go AWWWW!!!

And this next one is just plain fun.  Thanks Joe!

This one is called Doctor Code and it too is from Joe and a fantastic good read, especially for someone from the military who lives for acronyms.

THE doctor purses his lips, looks at you pityingly over his half-moon spectacles and quietly writes something on his clipboard, something short, sharp and authoritative. He turns away to answer the phone and you seize the diversion to sneak a look at your case notes. He has written: “Plumbum oscillans.” 

What disease can this be? It sounds contagious… maybe even fatal… Is it time to phone friends and family and say farewell? Is your will up to date? 

Relax. 

Plumbum oscillans is no threat to health – it is Latin for “swinging the lead,” and it is the doctor’s discreet way of concluding that you are a malingerer, someone seeking a sick note to take time off work.

These and other terms are part of a secret language, indecipherable to outsiders, that doctors use with each other to convey a truth that is otherwise unsayable, especially to the patient. 

The slang can be cruel, insulting and highly inventive, says Adam Fox, a specialist registrar at the Child Allergy Unit at St. Mary’s Hospital in London, who has put together a dictionary of the terms. 

They include British emergency-room acronyms such as UBI (for “Unexplained Beer Injury”), PAFO (“Pissed And Fell Over”) and ATFO (“Asked To F… Off”), not to mention Code Brown, referring to a fecal incontinence emergency. 

Then there is DBI, for “Dirt bag Index.” This is a formula which multiplies the number of tattoos on the patient’s body by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total of days he has gone without a bath.

Relatives of patients on the critical list may blanche if they knew what CTD, GPO or Rule of Five mean on their loved-one’s records. 

The first means “Circling The Drain,” the second signifies “Good for Parts Only” and “Rule of Five” means that if more than five of the patient’s orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance. 

A patient who is “giving the O-sign” is very sick, lying with his mouth open. This is followed by the “Q-sign” — when the tongue hangs out of the mouth — when the patient becomes terminal.

General practitioners may use LOBNH (“Lights On But Nobody Home”) or the impressively bogus Oligoneuronal to mean someone who is thick. 

But they also have a somewhat poetic option: “Pumpkin positive”, referring to the idea that the person’s brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into his mouth will make his empty head gleam like a Halloween pumpkin. 

If a doctor is stumped for what is wrong with his or her patient, they may record GOK, for “God Only Knows.” 

As for genetic quirks or inbreeding, FLK means “Funny Looking Kid” and NFN signifies “Normal For Norfolk,” a rural English county. 

Fox says he has a list of more than 200 terms used by medical practitioners in Britain but his collection shows that doctors around the world make up their own versions. 

In Brazil, for instance, physicians use the acronym PIMBA for what can be translated as “swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar.”

Fox agrees that some terms are offensive and even cause confusion to other doctors who are not in the know. 

But he asks at least for critics to understand the stress that doctors face every day. And in any case, the colorful language is under threat of dying out because of fears of lawsuits. 

“The use of medical slang helps to depersonalize the distress encountered in doctors’ everyway working lives,” Fox told the British Medical Journal (BMJ) last year. 

“It is a way of detaching and distancing oneself from patients’ distress through loss, grief, disease, dying and death. Often someone else’s pain is too much for us, so we cut up…”

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn’t always fair. 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). 

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place-

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; 
Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; 
And a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement. 

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, His wife, Discretion; His daughter, Responsibility;  and his son, Reason. 

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, “Excuse me, sir, what time is it?”

The old Jew doesn’t answer.

“Excuse me, sir,” the young Jew asks again, “what time is it?”

The old Jew still doesn’t answer.

“Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won’t you answer me?”

The old Jew says, “Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don’t know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You’re handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you’ll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch.

Okay, so Joe sent me this next one.  It’s entitled You’d NEVER Guess What Happens and then he wrote, “Found a great new sport for you!!!”  I’ll admit, I was a little intrigued, but in the end, I had to watch it twice, because the title is quite correct.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van near Trenton Prison. 

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.” 

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: 

Slowly across the desert sand 
Trekked a lonely caravan; 
Men on camels, two by two 
Destination Timbuktu. 

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: 

Me and Tim a huntin’ went. 
Met three whores in a pop up tent. 
They was three, and we was two, 
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. 

The redneck won hands down! 

And that, my dear friends, is that.  I hope to have an issue for you on Monday.  It is now Friday dinner time, I think I will be having ice cream for dinner tonight.  The problem is that I really want to take out this denture, but I can’t for 24 hours.  But I will get some sleep, and I will take another pill.  Not that it is helping much, but every little bit helps.  

May you all be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.  And above all else, remember…

I got such a warm welcome back from so many of you guys on last Saturday’s issue.  Thank you so much!  Really made me feel special.  I am starting this one on Sunday.  I got off work a little while ago and I’m going out to meet with some of my dart friends to let them know what’s going on.  I have pretty much abandoned them and they have been so good to me, that I need to sit down with them and let them know what’s up.  That’s on my agenda for tonight, but before I go I want to put a little time in here, with you guys and try and push out some laughter.  We all need some laughter, right?  So, what do you say we jump right in to some of that, shall we?

The Real Meaning of Hotel slogans

Old world charm …………………………… No bath
Options galore …………………………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary
No extra fees ………………………………. No extras
Nominal fee ………………………………… Outrageous charge
Standard ……………………………………. Sub-standard
Deluxe ………………………………………. Standard
Superior …………………………………….. One free shower cap
Cozy …………………………………………. Small
All the amenities ………………………….. Two free shower caps
Plush ………………………………………… Top and bottom sheets

Okay, we’re not doing this again.

I wouldn’t trust it.

A pirate captain was on the lookout for buried treasure.

After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading.

He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp.

Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate’s feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination.

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, “Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!”

Yeah, that worked out so well.  Now they’re changing it back.

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.

“Aw, Dad, it’s okay” the son said. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”

Me, stopping and asking for directions.

Presented to us, by Joe from NJ are Science FACTS!!

SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread- consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Note: Bagel holes seem to be relatively safe…and inexpensive, too.

I’ve finally given into the pressure and have posted a picture of me in the shower…

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. “Don’t worry,” my husband reassured me. “I’ll have him trained in no time.”

I watched for several days as my husband patiently “trained” our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”

He got the following reply.  “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.  I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her.  And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.  Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”

Modern day MOPP gear.  Some of you will get that.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices. 

-Edward R. Murrow (1908-1965)

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid; the other was eating fireworks. 

They charged one and let the other one off. 

Georgia  Law 

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.

This surprises me not at all having just come back from Florida, which is Georgia’s stupid little brother.

The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When … 

She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish. 

The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. 

You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. 

She starts every sentence with the words “To whom it may concern.” 

Your mail comes addressed to “Current Resident.” 

The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. 

Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. 

You are urged to stir your coffee “very well,” before drinking it. 

Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. 

All of your shirts have a target painted on them. 

People are already referring to her as the “widow.” 

You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.

Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads “Eat At Dick’s Place.”

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

“Lady,” one of them explained, “we’re on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.”

“Wow,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?”

“Our baby-sitter’s boyfriend.”

RELIGIOUS DEFINITIONS:

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone agrees with.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending church.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

BAPTISMAL WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in churches.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at church often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left or are putting on their coats.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.  What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it Lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. 

Then came the shit. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table… everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own Pocket. 

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. 

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ….. Quiet, serene…. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see…… our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegal’s came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English. 

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ”ours” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. 

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.  

If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the shit!

After many years, Morris, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family in Israel.

“But…where is your beard?” asks his mother upon seeing him.

“Mama,” he replies, “In America, nobody wears a beard.”

“But at least your keep the Sabbath,” mama asks.

“Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.”

“But only kosher food you still eat?”, asks mama.

“Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.”

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, “Morris, tell me, are you still circumcised?”

Beware of the dreaded Amish Flu!

First you get a little hoarse. Then you get a little buggy.

Indiana Law

If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices

Okay, I live here and this surprises me, not at all.

A plumber attended to a leaking tap at a neurosurgeon’s house.

After a 2-minute job, he demanded $100.

“I don’t charge this amount even though I’m a surgeon.”

“You’re right — that’s why I switched from surgery to plumbing!”

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: 

“Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.” 

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: 

“Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.” 

And that’s it my friends, I hope you had as much fun reading as I did putting it together.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

So, if this works out right, it’s Saturday Morning and you are reading this, and it’s a complete, whole and perfectly funny issue.  All we can do is hope, right?  Have faith.  I just read that a minute ago, and although it was written about God, it can apply here, too.

“Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1 

And since it is Thursday night, and I’m just starting this, I have the faith that it will be complete for you by Saturday morning, when I will be at work, teaching GIs how to stay alive in crappy environments.  Like this.

Yeah, just like that.  

Uh huh… sure.

Anyway, that’s how it’s all supposed to work out.  I have the faith that you guys are going to be readying a complete issue even though from my perspective, there is no evidence of that seen right now. 

So, what do you say we get some of that started, shall we?

Yeah, I can’t wait for you to try it out, either.

A silly joke from Joe…

A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar.

In walks an elephant (told you it was silly) who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly the elephant starts to cry.

“There, there”, says the pianist “Do you recognize the song?”

“No, no,” says the elephant ” I recognize the white keys.”

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s  you and me stop in and have a drank.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Junior. “We’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside. “Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.” “But, we’s privates,” says Junior. “You blind, boy?” asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now.”

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a  hooker comes up to Bubba. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you some place and make you feel good but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?” “Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. 

– Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959) 

I had an old friend and mentor when I was growing up.  He was a good guy.  Ended up being in a movie or two.

So much truth.  Can’t be soon enough.

A man comes to the birth registration office to register his newborn son. 

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: “Euro.” 

 The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency. 

Says the father: “There were no objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank.” 

The really sad part is, they are probably lined up out the door for the “sale”!

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. 

“Have you ever seen one of these before?” one asked. 

“Yeah, my mom have one,” the other replied. 

“What’s it for?” 

“It’s a cussing machine,” the second boy answered. 

“Every time she stands on it she gets really mad.” 

I really need to try that, just to see if I can get someone to do it.

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came the veteran’s turn. “Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!” 

“What did you do?” asked his friends. 

“Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engines before any major damage was done.” 

Well, that’s just like our brother Sasquatch to pull those kinds of pranks.  

Okay, you guys know what I do for a living, most of you know what I’ve done throughout my life, so when I say this, know that I say it with the voice of an absolute professional…

THAT’S DISGUSTING!!!

“Hey!  Oi!  Excuse me!  Down here!  Right, Can I ask a big favor of you?  Yeah, you.  I would really appreciate it if you would STOP PEEING IN MY LAKE!  I LIVE DOWN HERE FOR CRYING-OUT-LOUD!!!  Thanks big guy!”

That was me this morning.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. 

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” the angel said, “that I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. 

The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. 

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces. 

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head!” 

Yeah, we don’t really have many bones, do we?

Oh yeah!  I want one of those!  But it wouldn’t just be up for Halloween!

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, “Are you eating your little sister’s grapes?” I demanded.

“No,” she innocently replied, “I’m helping her share.”

REJECTED NURSERY RHYMES

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET Sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It had not been the spider that crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON Met a Pieman going to the fair Said Simple Simon to the Pieman “What have you got there?” Said the Pieman unto Simon “Pies, you dumbass!”

HUMPTY DUMPTY Sat on a wall Humpty dumpty had a great fall All the kings horses and all the kings men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, The cat did a piddle, All over the bedside clock, The little dog laughed to see such fun When it died of electric shock.  

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them too, ’cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL who had a little curl! Right in the middle of her forehead And when she was good, She was very very good But when she was bad she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.

The plane was loaded with people & it made a refueling stop.

They were told they would be on the ground for 1 hour and they could leave the plane while they refuel.

They all got off except for a blind man and his dog.

The pilot went to the back of the plane and saw the blind man.

He had known him from his travels before. He approached the man and said, “Keith, would you like to leave the plane and stretch your legs?”

“No, thank you,” the man said, “but my dog would.”

The pilot was seen passing through the gate with dark sunglasses and the dog.

Most passengers changed their flight.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

– John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960)

I love this one…it’s like the perfect joke.  The one above that is.

Georgia  Law

Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.

Okay, if that’s loose gravel, then I’m a salamander in a dress!!!!

AMEN!!!

The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids.  She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts!!  Such pests. They give me no rest and I’m half way to the funny farm.”

“What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said.

So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

“Superb!  I can’t believe it,” the young mother said.  “I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don’t bother me for hours!”

Pick Up Lines

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I’d rather have the money.

HE: I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must’ve been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don’t you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I’ve already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I’m a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I’ll be the rest of your life – in your wildest dreams.

My first thought is that this is a vehicle that drives on an airfield and that is a magnet to pick up what we call FOD.  FOD are those little bits and pieces that can be metal, that can get sucked up into a jet engine and destroy them.  So, it makes sense that FOD stands for Foreign Object Damage.  The only real problem with this is that most FOD on an airfield comes from those little bitty rocks that get stuck in the tire treads of the vehicles that drive on the active airfield.  But, every little bit helps.  That’s my official Air Force Dragon supposition.  

An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.

“Where are you from, pal?” asked the Scotsman, after they had chatted for a while.

“I’m from the finest country in the whole wide world.” Said the Australian.

“Are you?” said the other, “you have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman.”

There is a back story behind that picture that I would just LOVE to hear.  I know that it has got to be GREAT!

I loved that one.  That’s IKEA really knowing its own reputation.

This one is brought to us by our brother Sasquatch

Please, take special care when you drive this holiday season. A recent  joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of  Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by drivers who just drink tea, coffee, lattes, sodas, juices, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink  alcohol. They cause three times as many  accidents.

This message  is as a Public Service Announcement because we care about your well-being this holiday season

Okay, this is an absolutely hilarious email, sent to me by our good buddy Joe from NJ.  I laughed so hard while reading this.  Thanks brother, this one was great!

A PLEA FOR HELP FROM A GROUNDED AUSTRALIAN PILOT TO HIS FRIEND

Hi Mate,

I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot’s license back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts.  Well now’s your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I’m bloody desperate. But first, I’d better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA examiner.

On the phone, Ron (that’s the CAA dickhead) seemed a reasonable sort of bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property, and let me operate from my own strip.

Naturally I agreed to that.

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the ALA (Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead it was more convenient than the ALA, and despite the power lines that cross about midway down the strip it’s really not a problem to land and take-off because at the half-way point down the strip you’re usually still on the ground.

For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So although I had done the pre- flight inspection only four days earlier I decided to do it all over again. Because Ron was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two. My effort was rewarded because the color finally returned to Ron’s cheeks. In fact, they were a bright red.

In view of Ron’s obviously better mood, I told him that I was going to combine the test with some farm work as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol’ Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron started getting on to me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that thing was a waste of time because calves like to move around a bit, particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground. So it’s bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn’t worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure that we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.

Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunned her to 2,500 rpm. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded that I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can’t be moved now but it doesn’t matter because it’s jammed on “All Tanks” so I suppose that’s okay.

However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on a vibration from a steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. “Hell”, I thought, “not the starboard chalk again.” The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness.  He looked wildly around just in time to see a rock thrown by the propwash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore.

While Ron was ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the ALA and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn’t say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, then he bloody screamed his head off. “Oh God!  Oh God! Oh God!” “Now take it easy, Ron” I told him firmly. “That often happens after take-off and there is a good reason for it.” I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up.

Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine if you know how to coax it properly. Anyway, at this stage, Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I didn’t think that anybody was a Catholic these days.)

I selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet. I don’t normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know getting fax access out here is a friggin joke and the bloody weather is always 8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340 I might have to change my thinking on that. Anyhow, on leveling out I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels and always carry a loaded .303 clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards.  We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out the effect on Ron was friggin’ electric.

As I fired the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron’s reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.

Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick.  Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet and 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushing up the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment on this unusual sight but Ron looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the fetal position and was screamin’ his freaking head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo.  You should have been there, it was so bloody funny.

At about 500 feet I attempted to level out. For some reason we continued sinking. When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothing happened; no noise, no nothin. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor’s voice in me head saying “carby heat, carby heat”. So I pulled carby heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you. Then mate, you’ll never guess what happened next!

As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R. You would’ve been bloody proud of me as I didn’t panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired. (Something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now.) Suddenly Ron’s elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened wide, very wide, but no sound emerged. “Take it easy,” I told him. “We’ll be out of this in a minute.” Sure enough, about a minute later we emerge; still straight and level and still at 50 feet.  Admittedly, I was surprise to notice that we were upside down and I kept thinking to myself, “I hope Ron didn’t notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing”.

This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again. By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. “Ah!,” I thought, “there’s an omen. We’ll land right there.”

Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap.  Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut it’s circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply into a 75 foot final and put her down with a real thud.

Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again. Halfway through our third loop Ron at last recovered his sense of humor. Talk about laugh. I’ve never seen the likes of it. He couldn’t stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow. I then began picking clumps of dry grass.  Between gut wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft.

Can you believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter.  I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution- poor bugger.

Anyhow, mate, that’s enough about Ron. The problem is, I just got a letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test. Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can’t see what else I did that was so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin’ license.

Can you?

Well, Bill” said God, “I’m confused on this one. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. “I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!” 

Mr. Gates replied “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?” 

God said “You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?” 

“Sure!” said Bill. Let’s go!” Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect! Bill said “This is great! If this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven!” 

To which God replied “Let’s go!”and off they went. 

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. “God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell.”

“As you desire” said God and Bill was gone! 

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. 

“How ya doin’, Bill?” asked God. 

Bill responded with anguish and despair. “This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?” ” 

OH THAT!” said God…………….”That was the screen saver!” 

Didn’t we all see that one coming?

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn’t have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, “I can’t drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest.”

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, “are either of them showing any life signs?”

The farmer then said, “well, that first one was ’til I turned his head around the right way.”

And that my friends is a complete and total issue!

I’m so glad I was able to do that.  I had a great deal of fun doing this and I feel so much better after doing it.  So, probably next issue will be on Thursday…I hope.  And may God bless you all with Love and Happiness until then.

Okay, so here’s the deal…I really thought that I was going to have time to publish a real issue for today.  Right, I didn’t put one out on Monday.  I seriously didn’t have time for that and didn’t really think I would.  Then Sunday came around and I had promised Izzy the day, since it was her first day off since I got home and I went to church in the morning and had to stay over afterward to not only catch all my brothers and sisters up, but to get caught up on everything.  I may have have told you that a dear friend is in the hospital and she is not doing well.  She is a sister from the church.

Then Monday and I had to go back to work and wasn’t THAT a treat and catching up on like two weeks of stuff that I was behind on and staying over late and then Monday night I worked on some for my brother’s estate and Izzy tells me she hates her job.  We talk about that and what she can do, since she can’t drive and with her autism and social anxiety issues and we talked into the evening and then, suddenly, the night was over. 

Tuesday and we’re back to Izzy’s problem, but I had an idea the night before and talked to a guy I know on base and that might be an answer so that she could ride into work with me and work on base cleaning rooms over at lodging, so we worked on her resume and put it on USA Jobs and well, long story short Tuesday is shot.

Wednesday, tonight and I had an eye appointment this afternoon that was put off from when I was gone and I have my Jail Ministry in about an hour and a half and … well … that catches us up and the whole darn week is gone already!

Plus this is a UTA weekend, which means I’m working all weekend, so that leaves Monday without an issue.  But, I should be able to get a REAL issue done for Saturday.  (Please God, let me get a real issue done for Saturday.  These wonderful campers have been so good and so supportive of me…)

On different news, my Pastor called me yesterday.  Seems that there is a Christmas Concert Saturday night and our dear sister who is in the hospital had a ticket for said concert, with dinner, that is already paid for and we would like you to use the ticket.  It’s already paid for.  Would you please do us the honor of joining us?  There is a big group of us that are taking the church bus (really just a big van) and driving up together and we’d really like you to join us.  Now I ask you…how can I possibly turn that down?  I’m sorry Pastor, I just have too much to do?  Yeah, I don’t think so.  So I am joyfully going to a Christmas Concert on Saturday night and still getting up at 0500 so as to be out to the base at 0600 to get ready to teach Chemical Warfare Training (nowadays called CBRN Defense Training) at 0800 to a group of about 20 Air Force members on Sunday.  Not sure when, if ever I’ll catch up on my sleep.  It hasn’t happened since I’ve been home.  Okay, I take that back.  I slept all the way until 0800 on Saturday on my first night back home.  Only because it felt so glorious to be in my own bed again.

So, that’s my whining and complaining for the day.  I hope you found it interesting.  So, with the time I have left, let’s see how much of this we can do! 

Yeah, you gotta understand a little history to get this one.  And a little bit of religious history at that.

I see a slap in that guy’s future.

Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods.

On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

“Why don’t you use an old ball?” his friend Sam asked.

“I’ve never had an old ball,” Morris said.

The following questions and answers were collated from last year’s SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas to 16 year old students!

  Q: Name the four seasons.
  A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

  Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
  A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes  large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

  Q: How is dew formed?
  A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

  Q: What is a planet?
  A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

  Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
  A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.

  All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.   I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

  Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
  A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

  Q: What are steroids?
  A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

  Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
  A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

  Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
  A: Premature death.

  Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
  A: Keep it in the cow.

  Q: What does “varicose” mean?
  A: Nearby.

  Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
  A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

  Q: What is a seizure?
  A: A Roman emperor.

  Q: What is a terminal illness?
  A: When you are sick at the airport

  Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
  A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

  Q: What is a Hindu?
  A: It lays eggs

Sounds like some of the places I’ve worked.

Is it my imagination, or do most people meet the right one after they’ve married the wrong one?

Great Aunt Perillas prior to the devastating ransacking of ’04 

Oh come on!

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?

A: Say something

NO!

I said NO!

I ain’t buyin’ it.

Carolyn’s car was in for service so her son picked Miss C up from work one evening, and she seemed a bit irritated.

Carolyn complained that the day hadn’t gone well, and on top of everything else, a young customer had addressed her as “Ma’am.”

“I’m not that old! !!” Carolyn insisted. ” I deserve more respect.”

Miss C continued to vent the whole way home while hitting the scan button on the radio.

 Finally her son asked, ” Mom what are you looking for?”

Carolyn replied, “The oldies station.”

Okay, now that one!  That’s just my cousin Irving acting the fool!

And okay, that one…I could buy that one.

Three absent-minded professors were talking together in a bus terminal.  They got so engrossed in what they were saying that they didn’t notice the bus had pulled in.

As the driver sang out,”All aboard,” they looked up startled and dashed from the platform.  Two of them managed to hop on the bus, but the third didn’t make it.

As he stood sadly watching the bus disappear into the distance, a stranger tried to cheer him up, saying, “You shouldn’t feel too bad.  Two out of three made it, and that’s a pretty good average.”

The professor shook his head.  “But THEY came to see ME off.”

Friends and Family Special

Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, “Is something bugging you? You look anxious.”

“Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,” she explained.

“Oh, that’s too bad,” the other girl sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.”

“Yeah, I am,” she said. “He’ll really miss me.”

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds.

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

This one is an oldie…but I love it all the same

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Well, I’m afraid that I’m out of time my friends.  I hope for better on Saturday.  May you all be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.  And remember…