I’ve decided, as you all probably already know, with as busy as everyone is, especially this particular dragon, that there won’t be an episode published this Thursday and instead, I’ll use what little time I have to put together a special issue…this one…for Saturday, or possibly even Sunday…Depending on when you are reading this.

And I wrote that above many days ago and since then have gotten many things done FOR this issue, but not ON this issue.  I have gone through over 200 emails at the impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com email address, I have downloaded and sorted so many pictures that I’m sure I’ve lost count.

Plus I’ve done the normal gone to work, wrapped presents, done my grief group, and my jail ministry.  I have an eye doctor appointment this afternoon and have been invited to a special “Longest Night” church service at a friend’s church tonight for grieving people and people who don’t like the holidays because of  having lost someone or being alone for the holidays or something like that.  I think I’m going to go for two reasons.  The first is that I have lost someone and I don’t care for the holidays.  I think I may have mentioned to you guys before that if it wasn’t for my dear Izzy Dragon I wouldn’t celebrate ANY holiday.  At least not in the traditional sense.  And the second reason is that I am a grief counselor and perhaps I can either help or learn something.

Speaking of celebrating Christmas, I don’t want to give you guys the wrong idea.  For the first time, ever and I mean about EVER, I sent out Christmas cards this year.  And I felt led to do so.  Mary often sent out cards, but I never did.  Maybe to my dad and to my kids and my brothers and that was it.  And not always them.  But this year, I had a whole list.  And it wasn’t just signing my name to a card.  I wrote an individual message to each person in every card. 

Why did I do that? 

I don’t do that.

Stephanie wrote a lovely message in the comments section and it goes like this:

Let’s start out with Stephen’s latest wood carving.  Here’s his description:

This little gnome is about 5″ high and 2.5″ across.  

The glasses are made from 18 gauge copper wire.

I think he’s adorable!  A true classic.  You are quite the artist Stephen.

I gotta go to DQ and get me one of those!

That’s gotta be the Canadian version

Why The Heck … Does Green River, Wyoming, Have An Intergalactic Spaceport?

It is a good little article, and at the bottom there is a bunch more “Why the heck…” articles about Wyoming.  Check it out right here:https://cowboystatedaily.com/2023/11/12/why-the-heck-does-green-river-wyoming-have-an-intergalactic-spaceport/?fbclid=IwAR3Jn-AWpP_d42qlpGon4NwiUCDjaQxjMzY77TfIDaqSqWxjB5D8CHV9lqo

And here’s another funny link sent in by Stephanie.  I wish there was a way for me to play it for you here, but you have to click on it.  Trust me, it’s worth it.  https://www.facebook.com/reel/1349375572658728

This one definitely deserves this tag.  I know that I’ve ran this before, but it’s been a long time, so it might be new to some of you.  Regardless, it is still one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

I laughed the whole time I read this.   Here’s your sign…

DEER HUNTERS. 

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

        I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.  The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.  I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

       I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.  They were not having any of it.  After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up– 3 of them.  I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.  The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

      The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away.  I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.  The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.  The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.  A deer– no Chance.  That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.  There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.  As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.  The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up.  It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison.  I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

     I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer.  At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.  Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.  I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

     Did you know that deer bite?  They do!  I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ….. I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.  Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go.  A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a big dog.  They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.  I tried screaming and shaking instead.  My method was ineffective.

    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.  I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

   That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet.  They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp… I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse –strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.  This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

   This was not a horse.  This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.  In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.  I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.  I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.  What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.  So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope……to sort of even the odds!!

   All these events are true so help me God…An Educated Farmer

I know, it’s on a lot of Christmas wish lists every year.  But there are only so many of us to go around.

This one is from and for Leah

We really do need to remember the soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines over the holidays.  You have no idea how many of them are away from home right now.  It’s tough.  Been there, done that, as I know many of you have, too.  Stop and say a little prayer for them for God’s comfort and blessing.  And yeah, Leah, I’m not a Country music fan, but a song like this is probably best song this way.

Okay, this one is too funny.  YOU HAVE GOT TO CLICK ON THIS LINK AND WATCH THIS VERY SHORT VIDEO.  It is perfect for this time of year.   https://www.facebook.com/share/r/mpXhFQtYo46PTjph/?mibextid=D5vuiz

No thanks, malls.  
I shop from home, without pants, like a normal person.

Just because it’s adorable!

Here’s a great little story from Lynn called: 

How “Rudolph” Came To Be

“As the holiday season of 1938 came to Chicago, Bob May wasn’t feeling much comfort or joy. A 34-year-old ad writer for Montgomery Ward, May was exhausted and nearly broke. His wife, Evelyn, was bedridden, on the losing end of a two-year battle with cancer. This left Bob to look after their four-year old-daughter, Barbara.

One night, Barbara asked her father, “Why isn’t my mommy like everybody else’s mommy?”

As he struggled to answer his daughter’s question, Bob remembered the pain of his own childhood. A small, sickly boy, he was constantly picked on and called names. But he wanted to give his daughter hope, and show her that being different was nothing to be ashamed of. More than that, he wanted her to know that he loved her and would always take care of her.

So he began to spin a tale about a reindeer with a bright red nose who found a special place on Santa’s team. Barbara loved the story so much that she made her father tell it every night before bedtime. As he did, it grew more elaborate. Because he couldn’t afford to buy his daughter a gift for Christmas, Bob decided to turn the story into a homemade picture book.

In early December, Bob’s wife died. Though he was heartbroken, he kept working on the book for his daughter. A few days before Christmas, he reluctantly attended a company party at Montgomery Ward. His co-workers encouraged him to share the story he’d written. After he read it, there was a standing ovation.

Everyone wanted copies of their own. Montgomery Ward bought the rights to the book from their debt-ridden employee. Over the next six years, at Christmas, they gave away six million copies of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer to shoppers. Every major publishing house in the country was making offers to obtain the book.

In an incredible display of good will, the head of the department store returned all rights to Bob May. Four years later, Rudolph had made him into a millionaire.

Now remarried with a growing family, May felt blessed by his good fortune. But there was more to come. His brother-in-law, a successful songwriter named Johnny Marks, set the uplifting story to music. The song was pitched to artists from Bing Crosby on down. They all passed.

Finally, Marks approached Gene Autry. The cowboy star had scored a holiday hit with “Here Comes Santa Claus” a few years before. Like the others, Autry wasn’t impressed with the song about the misfit reindeer. Marks begged him to give it a second listen. Autry played it for his wife, Ina. She was so touched by the line “They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games” that she insisted her husband record the tune.   

Within a few years, it had become the second best-selling Christmas song ever, right behind “White Christmas.” Since then, Rudolph has come to life in TV specials, cartoons, movies, toys, games, coloring books, greeting cards and even a Ringling Bros. circus act.

The little red-nosed reindeer dreamed up by Bob May and immortalized in song by Johnny Marks has come to symbolize Christmas as much as Santa Claus, evergreen trees and presents. As the last line of the song says, “He’ll go down in history.” 🎵

There is so much truth to that.  I know that I am so very thankful for all that I have.  My life is so very hard right now.  But I am blessed with so much.  Not the least of which are so wonderful friends like you guys.

Now, here’s some trivia from Lynn.

‘A SHOT OF WHISKEY’ – In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash, he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a “shot” of whiskey

 BUYING THE FARM – This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you “bought the farm” for your survivors.
   
  IRON CLAD CONTRACT – This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.
   
  RIFF RAFF – The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a “riff” and this transposed into riff-raft, meaning low class.
   
  COBWEB – The Old English word for “spider” was “cob”.
   
  SHIP STATE ROOMS – Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.
  
  SLEEP TIGHT- Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a crisscross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.
 

 SHOWBOAT – These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small towns along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie “Showboat”, these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating”.
    
   OVER A BARREL – In the days before CPR, a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel, you are in deep trouble.
   
  BARGE IN – Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they “barged in”.
    
   HOGWASH – Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off were considered useless “hog wash”.
   
  CURFEW – The word “curfew” comes from the French phrase “couvre-feu”, which means “cover the fire”. It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu” which later became the modern “curfew”. In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew”.
   
  BARRELS OF OIL – When the first oil wells were drilled, there was no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.
    
   HOT OFF THE PRESS – As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press, it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

Here’s another great little story from Lynn

This is a wonderful, true story and you will be pleased that you read it, and I believe you will pass it on.  It is an important piece of American history.

 It happened every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun resembled a giant orange and was starting to dip into the blue ocean.

 Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier. Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now.

Everybody’s gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts…and his bucket of shrimp.

 Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier.

 Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds. As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, ‘Thank you. Thank you.’

 In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn’t leave.

 He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place.

 When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs, and then they, too, fly away.

And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home.

 If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water, Ed might seem like ‘a funny old duck,’ as my dad used to say. Or, to onlookers, he’s just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp.

 To the onlooker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty.

They can seem altogether unimportant … Maybe even a lot of nonsense.

 Old folks often do strange things,

At least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters.

 Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida. That’s too bad. They’d do well to know him better.

 His full name: Eddie Rickenbacker. He was a famous hero in World War I, and then he was in WWII. On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his seven-member crew went down. Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft.

 Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they fought hunger and thirst. By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water. They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were or even if they were alive. Every day across America millions wondered and prayed that Eddie Rickenbacker might somehow be found alive.

 The men adrift needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle. They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged on. All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft…

 Suddenly, Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap.

It was a seagull!

 Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next move. With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to grab it and wring its neck. He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal of it – a very slight meal for eight men. Then they used the intestines for bait. With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait . . . And the cycle continued. With that simple survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were found and rescued after 24 days at sea.

 Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot the sacrifice of that first life-saving seagull… And he never stopped saying, ‘Thank you.’ That’s why almost every Friday night he would walk to the end of the pier with a bucket full of shrimp and a heart full of gratitude..

 Reference: (Max Lucado, “In The Eye of the Storm”, pp..221, 225-226)

 PS: Eddie Rickenbacker was the founder of Eastern Airlines. Before WWI he was a race car driver. In WWI he was a pilot and became America ‘s first ace.. In WWII he was an instructor and military adviser, and he flew missions with the combat pilots. Eddie Rickenbacker is a true American hero. And now you know another story about the trials and sacrifices that brave men have endured for your freedom.

More truth.  Think about the things you’d really like to have…how many of them can you go out and buy?  Not many.

And this one is from Aussie Pete

The Cop and the Fight

A police officer was on patrol at night and saw two men fighting in the middle of the street in front of a house. He flashed his police lights, hopped out the car and pulled the two men apart. He cuffed them both and sat them apart from each other on the sidewalk. “Enough! Explain what is going on here.” The policeman said to the first man.

“Well,” the first man sighed, “It all started a few nights ago when I thought my girlfriend was cheating on me. I came round to her place to surprise her and found her watching a movie with two suspiciously empty pizza boxes next to her. She said she was just hungry, but who the hell orders two large pizzas for themselves?”

“A valid point,” the policeman nodded.

“Anyway,” the first man continued, “I decided to stake out her house. So I’m waiting here out in the street, watching to see if anyone goes into that pink house on the other side of the road. I have my mate at the pizza shop deliver me a pizza while I wait. Everything’s quiet and I’m just about to start eating my pizza. Until I see that dickhead over there come creeping around the side of the house.”

“That man over there?” The policeman asked.

“Yes! So naturally I confronted him and he denied seeing my girl. Next thing you know we’re in the middle of a brawl and then you arrive.”

The policeman thought for a moment, then undid the cuffs. “Here’s the deal, give me your pizza and I’ll let you drive away with a warning.”

The first man nodded grumpily, hopped in his car and drove off. The policeman placed the pizza in his car and then walked over to the second man. “That guy says you are sleeping with his girlfriend,” the policeman stated.

“I did no such thing!” The second man roared.

“So what were you doing?” The policeman asked.

“Well…” The second man mumbled, “darn, you’ll catch me anyways when you search me. Alright I was trying to rob the place!”

“That’s hardly any better,” the policeman replied.

“The windows were locked up tight, so I decided to give up. Next thing I know some guy is screaming at me, saying I’m having a thing with his girl. We ended up in a fight. Then you turn up.”

“Empty your pockets,” the policeman said. The second man pulled out lockpicking tools, a skeleton key and a pair of diamond earrings from the last house he had robbed.

“I’ll take those,” the policeman said, “But because I’m in a good mood, I’ll let you go.”

The second man couldn’t believe his luck. He skipped away down the street.

Suddenly, the lights at the front of the house turned on. A woman came marching out, “What the hell is going on out here?!” She asked the police officer.

The policeman turned around, “Nothing babe, just got you a pizza and some new jewelry.”

Santa’s elves listen to wrap music as they work.

It used to be a Christmas tradition for our whole family to go to the local pub, come home after several hours and deck the Halls.  To be honest, I can’t understand why the Halls stayed our neighbors for so long.

Stop asking Santa for the perfect man!  I almost got kidnapped three times this week!

I was there for that.  In fact, I took this picture.

Home Depot is putting their Christmas decorations on the second aisle of housewares.  So in other words: Aisle B home for Christmas.

Before I lose my phone, end up naked, and/or arrested I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

For anybody else that’s getting coal for Christmas, maybe we can link up and get the grill going or something.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example…

If you have a  rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which  you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house. 

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?” 

Paul, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. 

The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?”

“22,” Paul replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn’t get the job. 

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. 

The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. 

The boss shrugged and said, “Well, you were the closest.”

Thanks for the next one Joe, you’ve even got Santa and the reindeer dancing!

This goes back a few years, but just because he’s not here any longer, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t feel the exact same way.

Dear Santa,

I’ve been good all year.
Okay, most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never  mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

If your lady wants something with diamonds in it for Christmas, get her a deck of cards!
Follow me for more relationship advice.

Overheard child singing: “He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice…”

A couple were Christmas Shopping.

The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”

He replied, “Well, I’m in the bar next door.”

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?”

He said, “Aisle B, back.”

A woman is taken to court.

The judge asks, “What were you charged for?”

The women replied, “Doing my Christmas shopping too early.”

When the judge asked her how early, she said, “Before the store opened.”

Looks like Santa has had too much eggnog

That is awful!!!

If you are out shopping today, be nice to the retail workers.  It’s not their fault you waited until Mary’s water broke to shop.

Not to brag, but I’ve already picked out the sweatpants I’ll be wearing on New Year’s Eve.

Not sure how this is going to work.  I mean, how many political Christmas memes can I have, right?

Okay, so they weren’t all “Political” per se, but…well, you get the point.  And while we’re on a more serious subject, there are a couple of other things we ought to talk about.  Some other memes that I have intermixed in my HUGE collection of Christmas stuff.

Yeah, not very eloquently said, but people try. 

The point is that some of us have a hard time over the holidays.  This dragon included.  Keep that in mind, especially with people that you don’t know well.  You never know someone’s complete story.  Not everyone is merry and bright.  And be available to your friends and maybe even your not friends.  Remember what we have said about loving your neighbor and your enemies.  Maybe, just maybe being the ear that listens is enough to take that grumpy old man next door from an enemy to a friend.  I know that sounds an awful lot like a Hallmark Christmas special, but seriously…take it from a Dragon who knows, most times someone who is grieving, or lonely, or depressed…

When we are walking through the Valley of Shadows, and the darkness is pressing in close around you.  You trod forward, putting one foot in front of the other in a never ending, unendurable trudge with no light ahead.  The two-hundred pound backpack of depression pushing down on you, the hobbles of grief slowing you down and making you stumble, but the worst of it is the loneliness that chains you to this path.  The loneliness that you hate, but with everything you do and say you foster at the same time.  You don’t want to be around people.  People remind you.  Even though you try to forget, it’s all you can think about anyway.  You don’t want that interaction with other people, because they aren’t the right people.  But, what you want more than anything, what you need more than anything, is just somebody to talk to.  To just have somebody listen.  To really be there and listen.

Yeah, it’s like that.  So, if you are given that opportunity, that blessing, to be that person to listen, to walk with that person through that valley and help them find the light at the other end, please take it.  Some of us are just putting up a good front. 

Okay, now, let’s get back to the laughter, I still have SO many that there is now way I’ll get to them all.

I just cannot believe it. 
I just got home and every door and window is open. 
They have taken everything. 
There is nothing left at all. 
What sort of a person would do that to an advent calendar so early on?

Psst… I have Santa’s Naughty List.  You ALL owe me big time!

I’m so old, I remember what it was like to get Christmas presents like socks ang gloves and be grateful for them.

One of my favorite things to do is to put things in other thing’s boxes.

Based on my checking account balance, it looks like everyone is getting a text message for Christmas.

If anyone is alone with no one to spend Christmas with please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

I was at the bookstore when a copy of “A Christmas Carol” fell of a shelf and landed on my foot.

It hurt like the Dickens!

I don’t have an advent calendar, so I’m just opening cupboard doors and eating whatever’s in there.

If I could get three ghosts to swing by on Christmas Eve and teach me what I’m doing wrong that would be great because I have LOTS of questions.

Boy, now there is an illustration of life in one, very simple cartoon.

It’s all fun and games ’til Santa checks the Naughty List.

---

My husband is going to be so surprised when he sees all of the Christmas gifts he bought me.

Currently helping my wife look for the Christmas cookies that I ate last night.

It may take you a little bit to get this next one.

And that’s it my friends.  I can’t possibly squeeze any more into this giant issue.  There are so many more cartoons and memes I’d like to put in here, but I’m really worried as it is now that the website won’t be able to post this as it is.  Plus I have no idea how you guys who get it emailed to you are going to deal with it.  Let’s hope it all works.

I’m going to go ahead and set this to post on the 23rd, which is Saturday because I figure that most everyone will be busy on Sunday the 24th and then again on Monday Christmas day.

I wasn’t really going to talk about this, but I guess I’m going to.  I’m one of those people who are not going to have a good Christmas weekend and this one is going to be a little worse than most.  Most of you know of the enormous stress and problems and what-not that I’ve been dealing with lately, none of which have been settled as of this time.  Add to that missing my wife, which is actually worse this year than it was last, which they said might happen, but it is odd.  Add to that my sweet Izzy is working all this weekend extra hours, right up and through Christmas Eve and I will be alone through most of it.
Oh…and Christmas Eve…is also my birthday.  Not that I’ve EVER done anything special on my birthday.  I have no idea what it’s like to have a special birthday, because I’ve never had one, so it’s not like I’m missing anything, that’s not my point.  My point is, that’s it will not be a good weekend for me, so I’m asking you guys, if you think about it, just keep this old dragon in your prayers.  That’s all I’m asking for for Christmas.  If it wasn’t for Izzy being here with me, I wouldn’t even have Christmas.  Not in the traditional sense.  I would, of course, celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.  That is the real reason for the holiday, anyway.

Okay, enough.

I don’t do this.

Just keep it in mind for me, please.

Now, may you all have a truly wonderful and God Blessed Christmas holiday, until we meet again next week!  My love to you one and all.

As you will find out when there is no issue on Thursday…there will be no issue on Thursday because I’ve decided not to publish an issue on Thursday.  With all the hustle and bustle of everything going on this week and as far behind as I am with … well … everything, and rather than trying to put together two or what is supposed to be three really, although I’m sure none of you really expected an episode on Christmas Day, somewhat good episodes, I’m going to concentrate instead on one Christmas issue (The Good Lord Himself knows I have enough issues about Christmas as it is now!) and try to find the time to make it as good as I possibly can.  I am going to shoot for having it ready on Saturday, the day before the day before Christmas, but you may even get it on Christmas Eve!  Wouldn’t that be a lovely gift on Sunday!  I happen to know that it’s someone very special’s birthday on the 24th. 

Anyway, fair warning to all of you.  No issue on Thursday. 

Now, go wrap presents or something. 

Wrap presents…

wrap …

holy crap I still have to wrap presents! 

Cheers! 

Impish 

Good Morning My Friends and Fellow Campers,

It’s Saturday Morning and I’m bound and determined to get Monday’s episode done on time!  My Sunday is pretty much tied up.  I’m playing security at church tomorrow, so that means going in about an hour early…AND we have a community … wait … what are they calling it … Miami County Christmas Celebration.  Every year all the churches in the community get together and put on a Christmas service in one of the bigger church buildings (definitely not ours, lol) but since our band is the best they ALWAYS have a special place in the presentation and our Pastor is always part of the service again because he is…well, you don’t want to say your pastor is the best, so let’s just say because he is a respected member of the community.  So, anyway.  What I’m trying to say is that Sunday is very busy.  So this episode needs to be done today.

So, what’s on the table?  Anyone have any old business to bring up?  No new comments from today’s episode, even though it was absolutely slammed full of cartoons and stuff.  That’s fine.  (Sniff!) It’s okay (Sniff!)

Okay, new business?  Anyone have any new business?  Yes?  In the back?  Speak up please? Uh huh… No, we are not doing Secret Santa this year.  Have we EVER done Secret Santa?  You realize that we are all digital here right now, right?  So, what am I going to give you if I’m picked as your secret Santa?  A random electron?  Am I going to wrap it?  Who are you, anyway?  Does anybody recognize that mook?  He’s a what?  A spy for the liberals?  Well, leave him alone.  Maybe he’ll learn something.

Anyway, with nothing new to bring up, let’s move on to the important stuff.  The laughter.  But before I do, I want to bring one thing up.  There was a meme that I saw the other day and I wanted to post it on Facebook until I realized how over done it was, even if I had never heard it before.  It was:

“When God put a calling on your life, He already factored in your stupidity.”

That’s the most comforting thing I’ve ever heard.

And I thought, I HAVE to share that with EVERYBODY!  That is SO TRUE.  It is SO ME!  And I thought, “do your due diligence Impish.  Check it out and find out who wrote it, if you can.”

When I started looking around, it’s not only been around for a little while, but there have been actual sermons written about it. 

But, the best reference of all, was actually God, Himself.  1 Corinthians 1:26-27 Where Paul says, For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth.  But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise;  God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong;  

Now we’re getting to it!  If anyone is foolish, it’s me. 

I know there are plenty of folks out there who are thinking that, “yeah, I know there are just a few wise people, but surely I must be one of them.”

Not me.  I definitely fall into the foolish category.  (look around you!!) 

And absolutely not powerful by any stretch of the word.  Any of you who have been following along with the trials and tribulations of Impish Dragon can attest to that!!

(I’m now laughing to myself here as I’m typing just as fast as my fingers will move to get these thoughts down as fast as they will come out!!)

So, when it says that God takes into account our stupidity, what it’s saying is that He takes into account ALL of our weaknesses, our foolishness, our fears our inability to speak in public, our difficulty in understanding, our shyness, our lack of funds, our lack of time, our physical limitations, I could go on and on.  He takes ALL that into account AND CALLS US ANYWAY, BECAUSE IT’S ALL PART OF HIS PLAN.  All WE have to do is follow along with it confidently because we have the faith in Our God to KNOW that if it’s His plan then it is a perfect plan.

What an awesome God we serve.

Now…

That is kinda what it looks like…

I had a waitress who worked for me in one of my restaurants who came up to me and said, “There is a customer who is asking for Farmer John Cheese.”  It took the longest time for me to work out what she was asking for. 

Here is a GREAT Top 10 List sent in by our good buddy Joe from NJ.

Top 10 Things Men Know about Women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They Have Breasts.

Now THAT is a GREAT Shirt!

I can hear it now, “Grandpa, what’s a Blockbuster?” or even worse, “Grandpa, what’s a video store?”

I’m gonna order a few for the front lawn.  You know…so I can…um…keep the lawn clean.  Yeah, keep the lawn clean.

There would be holes in whatever is in back of that.

The Science Teacher

The 6^th grade Science Teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

• “Which human body part increases to 10X its size when stimulated”?

No one answered … until little Mary said,

• “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal who will then fire you”!

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,

• “What body part increases to 10X its size when stimulated”?

Little Mary’s mouth fell open, then she said to those around her,

• “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble”!

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

• “Anybody”?

Finally, Billy stood up and said nervously,

• “The body part that increases 10X its size when stimulated is the PUPIL of the eye”. 

Mrs. Parks said, 

• “Very good Billy”.

Then she turned to Mary and continued,

• “As for you young lady, I have three things to say,

1. You have a dirty mind!
2. You didn’t read your homework.
3. One day you are going to be VERY, VERY, DISAPPOINTED”!

You know, there is so much truth in that.  I used to see it so much more in my old job as a 911 dispatcher in how the calls increased around this time of year and now as a counselor I am seeing it again as well as living through a portion of it myself.  To some of us, this is a pretty crappy time of year.  Keep that in mind as you go through your days.

You gotta love modern engineering

Do you ever look at all your kids and think…

That one will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home.  That one will be paying for it.  That one will visit me the most.  And that one?  He’ll be sneaking me in the good Jameson and cigars.

I know, I know.  It looks really bad.  But it was a staged advertising photo for Santa.  Him and I are actually very good, old and dear friends.  Now, the advertising campaign never did come off.  I even forget what it was for.  I think he was trying to start his own cologne or shampoo line or something…who knows with that guy.  But that picture is still floating around and every year around this time it pops up somewhere and I get blamed for ruining Christmas for someone and I thought this year I’d just get ahead of the whole thing and reveal the picture myself.

Indiana, Beech Grove Law

It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

I used to live in Beech Grove for a short time…never heard of this law.

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the “Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World.”

Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini.”

The giant nodded.

“If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?” Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.

“Are you sure?” the deputy asked.

The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.”

“In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.”

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. 

They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.

After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.

Then the landlord asked the usual question: “How many children do you have?”

The father answered with a deep sigh, “Seven … but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.”

He got the apartment.

Doing my little part to help

A mission statement is defined as “a long awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.”
All good companies have one.

-From The Dilbert Principle, 1996

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“ONE CENT!” exclaims the guy.

The barman replies “Yes.”

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,  “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”

“Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy. “4 cents,” he replies.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?” The bartender replies,

 “Same thing I’m doing to his business.”

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. 

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, “Don’t forget to use wooden spoons.” 

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. 

I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. 

“Why wooden spoons?” I asked. 

“Because,” she replied, “if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I’ll go nuts.” 

Makes perfect sense to me.

And this next one is dedicated to all you crafters out there…

A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys?

So the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job”.

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?” Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “Duke and me, we got three in.” The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!”

“Yeah,” said Bubba, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground!

My dogs exactly!

So remember when I said that one of my Pastor’s favorite lines was that “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car.”?  Well today, I got this email from our buddy Joe:

Bob, a lot of younger people use quotes from famous people without knowing who actually said it first. Billy Sunday was often quoted. 

    …Joe

Billy Sunday Quotes

• The world is wrong side up. … 
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. … 
• Temptation is the devil looking through the keyhole. … 
• Home is the place we love best and grumble the most. … 
• Hypocrites in the Church?

and he gave me a link to a website with all kinds of Billy Sunday quotes.  And I replied to his email and basically said why have I never heard of this guy, but as I started to look around the website and read some of the quotes I figured out why.  Here’s one of his quotes that really stuck out to me:

The rivers of America will run with blood filled to their banks before we will submit to them taking the bible out of our schools.

I thought, “Where’s this guy been?  They did that a long time ago!”  Then I looked around some more and saw:

American Clergyman – November 19, 1862 to November 6, 1935

That explains an awful lot!  But he had a wicked wit!  Here’s just a couple I’ll leave you with:

○  Home is the place we love the best and grumble the most.
○  Hell is the highest reward the devil can offer you for being a servant of his.
○  What have you given the world it never possessed before you came?
○  If there is no hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretenses.
○  Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.
○  I do not exercise personal liberty if it impinges on the liberty of others.

There are more and if you are interested, here is the quotes website.  https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/billy-sunday-quotes

I would pay good money to find out how many left handed screwdrivers they sell.  Per month, per year, ever.  I really want to know.

It’s been such a joy being home with my wife the past 3 weeks.  We’ve caught up on all the things I’ve done wrong the past 30 years.

It doesn’t?

Bro, do you want this pamphlet?

Yeah, Brochure.

That is too funny!!!!

We get quite a few nasty snow storms around here every year.

No!  There is not a man alive who would say that those are his favorites.  

I signed up for a zoom workout that was too advanced for me, so when the instructor said to “do a plank, and then bring your knee to the opposite elbow,” I did a modified version, where I turned off my computer, and made pancakes.

Apparently there are people out there who wash, dry, iron, fold, and put away their clothes – all in one day.
Yeah, I know.
I’m confused, too.

Just so you’re not confused.  The next picture is only a training exercise.  One that we conducted with Santa to prepare him to enter the left controlled cities with all the really good gun control laws.  You know the ones with the highest gun crime rates.

When I look in the mirror and see gray hair, tiny wrinkles, and dimming eyes I think, “They sure don’t make mirrors like they used to.”

I was going to end this issue right here, but then I saw one more that I think really needs to be added in.

Marriage is not about a beautiful wedding, fancy homes, cute kids, nice cars and white picket fences.

Marriage is hospital stays, working long hours, fighting through struggles, paying bills, and keeping the faith and staying together through it all.

Not just staying together, working together, as God intended.  He never, ever said it would be easy.  He only said it would be worth it.  Merry Christmas Mary.  I love you and miss you and I can’t wait until I see you again. 

I was just about to send this when my phone dinged.  I need to say thank you to Steve H. for the very generous donation.  It is deeply appreciated, much needed and will come in very welcome right now.  Thank you brother, I am very grateful.

And for the rest of you, May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again and remember:

Good Morning Campers,

I’m not really sure when this one is going to get published.  Today is Tuesday and I’m going to shoot for Thursday, but …. it’s doubtful.  My life is beating me about the head and shoulders right now.  I know that God will take care of me.  And I’m relying on Him to take care of me. 

Anyway 

You guys don’t want to listen to me complain

I don’t want to listen to me complain

I do want to thank you guys for the comments you sent in on Monday’s episode and for some of the private messages that I got from some of you.

_________________________

Okay, so let’s catch up.  It’s now Thursday, and you guys all know that this didn’t publish on Thursday…so now I want to thank you guys for understanding and the really nice messages that I got from you about what’s going on.  You guys are so great.

So, everything that has been going on, is still going on.  

MY MOUTH HURTS!!!

I went back to the dentist this morning.  They refit my denture again this morning.  I have a “bone spur” that is poking up through the gum that the dentist wants to leave alone for now, that is irritating the CRAP out of me.  I have a sore spot like blister in the very front that they tried to adjust around.  So, for the time being, I am leaving the denture out, trying to let my gums heal and I’m eating non-food.  Oatmeal, yogurt, ice cream, soup, stuff like that…and it’s making me sick.  I haven’t had real food in about a week now.  

I came home early from work today to take my Willow Dragon to the Vet.  About an hour before I was ready to go, the Vet calls and says that the owner of the company had walked in the door yesterday and told them that as of Friday they were closed for good.  So, we couldn’t go to the Vet today and had to call a new Vet and make an appointment.  This is not a big area and having the Vets in the local area are having to pick up the patients from this office is putting a strain on the other offices, so the next appointment they have for new clients is February.  Pepper is fine, but Willow is behind in her shots.  But, she’s a healthy dragon, so she should be okay until then.

I had to pay $260 the other night to keep the lights on at my brother’s house in Florida the other night.  The Holy Spirit bumped me and I thought, you know, I haven’t seen an electric bill from Ken’s house.  I called them when I was down there and told them to take his account off of paperless billing.  But when I called them the other night they of course told me they had no record of that.  Long story, short…after going through a bunch of higher and higher supervisors, I finally got to somebody who did take it off paperless billing, did tell me everything I needed to know about the status of the account, did stop the shut-off order that was being enacted two or three days hence, but only if I paid the $260 that was back due…and she told me what I needed to know to do that, too.

But that is just another example of the way things have been going for me.

And you guys have sent me such a nice bunch of messages and emails telling me to not worry about you guys and to take care of myself.  And I truly and deeply appreciate that. But you have to also understand that part of taking care of myself is sharing this with you.  So, let’s do some of that and maybe I’ll share some of the messages and stuff that I got from you with the rest of you.

I actually should have started doing this much earlier to try to get all my Christmas cartoons in.  I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do that, but I’m going to give it the old dragon try.

Let’s go ahead and start with one from our own Aussie Pete!

This is a lead-in to a really great article sent in by Stephanie called:

50 Times Tattoo Artists Took Their 3D Tattoos To A Whole Other Level (New Pics) | Bored Panda

And here is the link address: https://www.boredpanda.com/3d-looking-tattoos-casting-shadows/

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself?  I need it for a school project.”

I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was … “The oldest thing in my house.”

So much truth!

The boss called one of his employees into the office. 

“Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year.

You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. 

Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?” 

“Thanks,” said the employee. 

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?” 

“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”

My second cousin Woo has a great gig in a garden in Japan.

Here’s a really good one sent in by Joe from NJ

https://youtube.com/shorts/qK3ZBOB34X8?si=B5M5SHLT9QKrVrRU

I want to do a couple of these real fast… And let me start with a conversation that Gene and I had about shoes…

Thank you Michael.  I will look up “The Shack”.  I think it might be helpful to some of the members of my Grief Group and possibly even some of the members of my Jail Ministry. 

I also want to make something else clear that a few people brought up.  By advocating forgiveness, not seeking revenge and the like, I was in no way suggesting that the individual not receive punishment for their crimes.  Justice must prevail.  And God supports that as well.  Up to and including the death penalty.  Exodus 20:13 says: “You shall not murder.” (NKJ, ESV, NIV)  The King James Version says “Thou shalt not kill”, and the Amplified Version says: “You shall not commit murder (unjustified, deliberate homicide).”  and in the notations it says that “The Hebrew word also covers causing human death through carelessness or negligence.”  When the state decides that a person is guilty of a crime bad enough that they deserve to be put to death, that is not a sin in the eyes of God, if it was done righteously.  And just because I have forgiven the person who abused my child doesn’t mean that I believe they should not get the punishment they deserve.  I had made that clear in the past, but since it was brought up, I wanted to make it clear again now.  Okay, onward…. 

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

This Christmas, I’m just giving all my family members a card that says, “A donation has been made in your name to my therapist.”

I’ve got spies everywhere.

Yukon Cornelius and Helen, thanks for the advice on the dentures.  It is appreciated.  I’m trying to bear (bare?) through it.

This one is from Joe, just on this side of being really wrong, it is quite old and so very, very funny!!!

Catholic Coffee …

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.
Peters Square …

• The first Catholic man tells his friends, 

  • “My son is a priest.
  • When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

• The second Catholic man chirps,
  • “My son is a Bishop. 
  • When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’“
• The third Catholic gent says,
  • “My son is a Cardinal. 
  • When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
• The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
  • “My son is the Pope. 
  • When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, “Well … ?”

• She proudly replies,
  • “I have a daughter, slim & tall, 40″ D breasts, 24″ waist and 34″ hips. 
  • When she walks into a room people say ‘JESUS’!

When I retire and start my real writing career, that’s what I want to live in.  I’m gonna need a driver.

That time has already come.

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies. 

– Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 

Oh so true!

After hitting his tee shot deep into the woods, the golfer turned to his caddie. 

“Did you see where that one went?” he asked. 

“No sir, as a matter of fact I didn’t,” replied the caddie.

“Well, why didn’t you watch where it went?” snapped the angry man. 

“Frankly, sir,” said the caddie, “I was quite unprepared for it to go anywhere.” 

I’ve been telling people for years…but do they listen?

Jack: “The actress from Legally Blonde stabbed her husband yesterday.”

Tom: “Witherspoon?”

Jack: “No, with a knife.”

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 

“I’ll have a gin…………………………. and tonic.”

The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?” 

The bear says, “I dunno, I’ve always had them.” 

So much truth coming out today.

Having never visited or been a fan of Joel Osteen, I don’t have an opinion.  But from the tone of the meme…I’m gonna guess that it doesn’t go well for ole Joel.

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking sound when going around corners.” 

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car’s trunk, and soon discovered the problem. 

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: 

“Remove bowling ball from trunk”. 

You really have to wonder sometimes, how many true stories like this that mechanics have.  Just like I can tell you aircraft stories and bomb loading stories all       day       long.

Yeah, I’m going with Dad on this one.  Around here, Santa likes Jameson and a good cigar left out for him.

Do you want to hear a little secret?  Just between us for the holidays?  I’m finding out that it’s beginning to be Politically Correct to be a little Politically Incorrect lately. 
I know, right!

Aliens are going to be super confused when they show up, threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all super stoked and offer to help.

Yeah, those are the idiots that want to outlaw and do away with ALL coal and oil fired electrical plants.  You guys do realize that more than 60% of your insufficient, limited and poorly located charging stations for your “soon to be mandated” and almost useless electric vehicles are currently run by … wait for it … coal and oil fired electrical plants. 
Yeah, go figure. 
Morons!

Put on there for the same reason probably that McDonald’s has to now put “Caution: Hot” or some such on their coffee cups.  Because some nimrod ate it, got sick, sued and their excuse was, “Well, there wasn’t a warning.”  I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I learned at a very young age that:
Coffee is hot
Don’t eat paper
Or glue
Or … anything that isn’t food!
(Okay, if we’re now going to start making jokes about girls, I submit to you that they could, in general, be classified as food, in a sexual or dragon sort of sense.)
Okay, enough!

Or standing in a garage makes you a car

Or sitting in a church makes you a Christian (as my Pastor likes to say)

(Actually, what he likes to say is, “Sitting in a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”  And I REALLY like that saying.)

Why am I not amazed that this sign is even required?

Some of you younger ones may not get that one.  I don’t know if that’s still a thing or not.

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in Canada, both liked to hunt.

They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them.  It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. 

The Scotsman was shaken. “Hoot mon, wit was that?!!?” 

“That was a moose”, the Canadian replied. 

“A moose?  Good Lord, I’d hate to see yer Rats!” 

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

But, I suppose for jokes like that last one, what I really need is a brand new symbol.  One that looks like this one:

Yeah, work on it…you’ll get it.

Hey!  Whatever works.

I so truly often wonder if Jubal was based on himself.  My very own dear sweet favorite author of all time.  He would be considered a radical, subversive even by today’s standards…both the author and his characters.  You can get as many quotes from Jubal as you can from Lazarus and many others. Robert Anson Heinlein.  Rest in Peace.

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon have a teenage daughter….

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the ‘product’ to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

*To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. – Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

*If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the “Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain Behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between The words “clean” and “neat.” Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers and or baths that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because “like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use.”  When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and don’t have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These ‘others’ are called “parents.”

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because, “It is like so disgusting.” She doesn’t want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, “Like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents.” Either order take-out food or just give her the money.  If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, “OHMIGAWD!  HE IS SO HOT!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy!

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE

Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: “High,” and “Ultra High.”  Of course, YOUR daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t be enough, and whatever you try, won’t work.

WARRANTY

This product is not without defect because she has “your” genes, for heaven’s sake!  If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, and as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there – you just have to look for her.  Go ahead, try it — you just might find her!

That is absolutely hilarious.  And I can tell you from experience, not even close to being true.  It’s so much worse.  Boys are so much easier.  They truly are.  Not when they are younger.  Little girls are GREAT!!  But, as teenagers.  Boys over girls ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!!!

Illinois, Chicago  Law

It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck.

It always makes you wonder WHAT brought this law about?

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth.

Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband’s key in the lock. 

“Hurry,” she said to the repairman, “you’ll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.” 

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. 

The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. 

Inside the TV, the repairman was all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. 

Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. 

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, “I didn’t see the referee send that guy off the field, did you? 

And that’s it!  We did it!  We made it through and got it done.  Now I gotta go.  Love and happiness to you all.

Well, I tried to find the time, but there just wasn’t enough.  I’ve had doctor’s appoints and vet appointments and stuff every single day this week.  And follow ups for this stupid denture that is bloody well KILLING me.  There won’t be an issue tomorrow.  I’m going to hope and pray that there will be one on Saturday.  I’m going to really try, but this pain is debilitating.   And I can’t take any more time off work.

I’m so very sorry guys.

Cheers

Impish