There are many things that are presented on this site that are funny, controversial, personal, … but the thing that amazes me more than anything else, is the way that you guys respond to what gets posted.  Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about.  Here’s just a couple of comments that I read just a few minutes ago before I started this issue:

Thanks Evan,  I’m glad you enjoyed the issue.  And yeah…the lawsuit…which is still hanging over my head.  My lawyer friend has called them, left messages with them, emailed them, and as of the writing of this current line, they have not gotten back with her.  So…I don’t know what to do.  She’s doing this as a favor.  I guess if I don’t hear from them by the middle of next week, I will call their office and let them know that we have repeatedly reached out to them to resolve this issue and they have not responded, so I will write back to the court and let them know the same thing.  That we tried not to waste the court’s time and this is the response we got.  See if that doesn’t rattle some cages.

Anyway, the caring and understanding that you guys show to me is way above what I think other web owners get.  And I appreciate that to no end.  So, without further ado…

Oh Great!  Here we go with this stuff again.  You really expect us to believe that These things really exist?  I know I’m just a simple dragon…well…now that I think about it, my cousin Eddie was rumored to have had an affair with a common sparrow…

Now this one…I think my ex-wife kept this one as a pet…just for me.

This next one is so good!  

Thanks Stephanie!

Me either!

And this tree looks absolutely terrified!

Not sure if you’re into this sort of thing, but here’s an article that gives you a short little description on Creepy Urban Legends From Each U.S. State. https://www.insider.com/urban-legends-us-2018-1

Yes, yes it did!

Yes, it’s a mean joke, but doesn’t mean it isn’t funny

If it were only so…

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer guy and still think they are sexy.

Another mean but funny one

Okay, for this next one, we tried, truly we did, to find this on YouTube because we really wanted you to watch it and we didn’t want you to have to expend any more effort than necessary to go and find it.  But, we couldn’t…find it on YouTube that is.  So, you are going to have to click on the link.  And you are being HIGHLY ENCOURAGED TO DO SO!!!  It is well worth the watch.  And read the captions.  It is GREAT!  Thanks to Stephanie for sending this one in.   https://www.facebook.com/share/r/fDH3TBjQAYCKH36y/?mibextid=D5vuiz

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just  can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

  ~ Hemant Joshi

Well, how do you send interoffice memos at work?

Okay, the above little meme doesn’t do this next joke justice.  And me jumping up and down and yelling, “I love this one!  I love this one!  I love this one!” Doesn’t really do it either.  This is absolutely one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever read in my lifetime.  If you’ve never read this one before, you are in for a treat and if you have, you are still in for a treat:

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Poor planning indeed!  I laughed so hard!

Bernie had never been on a deep-sea fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful?

With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, “Don’t worry, young fella.  Nobody ever died of seasickness.”

“Oh noooo!!” Bernie wailed… “You’ve just taken away my last hope for relief!”

I’ve known many people who get motion sickness.  And apparently Joe, who sent in this one, is one of them because he entitled his email, “Been There”.  Izzy suffers from it.  On a long car ride she will have to occasionally ask to pull over so she can jump out and throw up.  Personally, I don’t get it myself. 

I’m the guy that loves the monster rollercoasters and stuff.  In fact, I had a chance to have an incentive flight in a T-38 when stationed at Holloman AFB, NM. 

They told us not to eat a greasy breakfast, to just eat something bland because they knew how mean the pilots could be.  Not me, I had bacon and over easy eggs and hash browns for breakfast.

Well, unbeknownst to us, the pilots had a bet that whoever couldn’t make their rider puke had to buy the beer. 

We were a five ship flight, that is to say a four aircraft flyover for a retreat ceremony with an inflight spare.  I was in the spare.  So while the other four jets were flying really close to the ground in formation over the flag, my jet was way up high in an over watch position.  My pilot said, “There they are, can you see them?”  I said no, so he flipped the jet upside down and pointed up out of the top of the canopy at the ground and we flew upside watching downward through the top of the canopy as they flew over the flag.  I thought that was cool.  He was upset that it didn’t bother me, but he wasn’t done playing tricks. 

After the flyover the five jets flew out to the desert to play dogfight and chase each other through the sky.  We were all maintenance guys doing the ride alongs and we were made of pretty tough stuff…or so we thought. 

Well, it got to the point that the pilots were getting desperate when none of us were puking, so #1 asks the controller for permission to  do a loop.  You have to ask permission because of the changes in altitude that you do.  A loop is pretty tough on your stomach because you pull all kinds of gees going up into the loop and then suddenly you’re weightless at the top and coming down the other side for just a short little while and then you’re hit with even more gees as you pull up out of the loop.  When you drive down the highway at high speeds and you hit the dips in the road and your tummy goes whoop.  Like that only multiplied by a gazillion. 

Anyway, #1 does a loop and then we hear over the radio, “My guy’s puking!”  Then #2 does a loop and “My guys puking!” same for 3 and 4.  Well, now it’s our turn and my pilot asks me over the intercom if I want to do a loop and I say, “Sure!” And we do a loop and he’s listening for the sounds of retching and what he hears instead is, “Let’s do it again!”  He did barrel rolls, and stuff I’ve never even heard of trying to get me to throw up.  It was the greatest ride I’ve ever had.  Needless to say he bought the beer.  It was like the world’s biggest rollercoaster.  He let me fly for a little bit.  It was great fun. 

So yeah, I don’t understand the whole seasickness thing or motion sickness or whatever.  But, I think it has to do with growing up on boats and surf boards and the like.  Maybe that’s the key.  Start when you’re little.  I don’t know.

Yeah, I’m not sure…maybe it was supposed to go along with a story or something.

People wonder why are they paid so much for just being on the phone. Take a look:

—————————————————

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer “No.”

Tech Support:: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

—————————————————

Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”

Tech Support:: “Did you install the update?”

Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

—————————————————

Customer:: “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft  Word.”

Tech Support:: “Tell me what you’ve done.”

Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP’.”

Tech Support:: “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me  what it says.”

Customer:: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and  Recovery disk’.”

Tech Support:: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”

Customer:: “What?”

Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”

Customer: “No…”

—————————————————

Customer:: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”

Tech Support:: ?!%#$

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”

Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from  there?”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What type of computer do you have?”

Customer:: “A white one.”

——————————————————————–

Tech Support:: “Type ‘A:’ at the prompt.”

Customer:: “How do you spell that?”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “Is your computer on a separate telephone line?”

Customer: “No.” (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech Support:: “Well then we can’t-“

Customer:: “It says ‘no dial tone’.”

Tech Support: “That’s because you’re on the line  with me right now. You need to-“

Customer:: “No, that’s not it. It does this all the  time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through.”

Tech Support:: “No, ma’am. It’s not even trying to dial right now because you’re on the phone with me.”

Customer: “It must be busy. I’ll try again later.”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “What’s on your screen right now?”

Customer: “A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store.”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What operating system are you  running?”

Customer: “Pentium.”

—————————————————

Customer: “My computer’s telling me I performed an  illegalabortion.”

—————————————————

Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.”

—————————————————

Customer: “How do I print my voicemail?”

—————————————————

Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”

Tech Support: “What does it say?”

Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a  floppy inside?”

Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.”

Customer: “Is that Eastern time?”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What does the screen say now?”

Customer: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”

Tech Support:: “Well?”

Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

While in a very exclusive jewelry store, the shoplifter was caught attempting to steal a watch.

“Look,” said the shoplifter, “Neither of us want any trouble. How about I just buy the watch and we can forget all about this?”

Agreeing, the manager made up a sales slip. The shoplifter looked at the slip and said, “Actually, this is a little more than I had intended to spend. Could you show me something a little less expensive?”

Sasquatch sent this one with the subject line of “Wow….”  and I agree with him…100%

Ever since I was a child I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, “I’ve got problems, every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.” 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.

“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street, he asked, “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

With a bit of an attitude he said, “Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.

And environment that is not safe to disagree in is not an environment focused on growth – it’s an environment focused on control.

~ Wendi Jade

When the conversation is about guns, they pretend to care about “the children.”

When the conversation is about abortion, they can’t kill “the children” fast enough.

Scientists have discovered several new species of Poison Ivy:  Harvard, Yale, Penn and Princeton.

The Media went through Kavanaugh’s High School Yearbooks but they can’t be bothered with Hunter’s Laptop.

Last week there were 36.82 million deer hunters running around with guns.  NOT one mass shooting took place – FACT!

SO NOW BURING A GAY FLAG IS CALLED A “HATE CRIME” but burning the American Flag is FREE SPEECH!!!

I actually got this suggestion from several different people.  And rather than having someone threaten to sue me … again, I’ll just give you a tease and you’ll have to click on the link to read the rest of it.

The Babylon Bee’s Predictions For 2024

Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.

And remember, it’s just an election year. How crazy could it be?

January 3 – Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow

January 4 – Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency

January 6 – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again

January 9 – David French publishes revolutionary op-ed “The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes”

January 23 – Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable

So, that’s January… for the rest of the year’s predictions, go here:  https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bees-predictions-for-2024?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=email

Okay, so I think I’ve found another favorite joke of all time.  Thanks for this one Joe.

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent’s house on Christmas Eve.

I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.

I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong.

Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. “I know these family things can be a little weird,” I told her, “but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve.”

“Sounds fine to me, ” Karen said.

I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I’d be bringing Karen with me. “She’s a very nice girl and she’s really looking forward to meeting all of you”

“Sounds fine to me, ” my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me’s. What more could I want ?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the entire year – an Italian woman’s raison d’etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn’t clean. She doesn’t cook. She doesn’t bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.

I brought her anyway.

7:00 PM we arrive. Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.

My father equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, “She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.”

7:30 PM Others arrive – Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts.

We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone and anchovies

When I offer to make Karen’s plate she says “Thank you. But none of those things, okay?” She points to the anchovies. “You don’t like anchovies?” I asked. “I don’t like fish,” Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling, and simmering in the next room

My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable.

Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says “Knockwurst.”

My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen’s chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, “Knockers?” My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot.

None of this is turning out the way I’d hoped.

8:00 PM Second course – The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines on the crab sauce and says she’ ll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my “Merry Christmas” napkin from my lap, and place it on the “Merry Christmas” tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to start any trouble”, my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. “But if she pours this on my pasta, I’m gong to throw acid in her face.”

“Come on,” I tell her. “It’s Christmas. Let her eat what she wants.”

My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder.

“Tell me the truth,” she says, “are you serious with this tramp?”

“She’s not a tramp,” I reply. “And I’ve only known her for three weeks.”

“Well, it’s your life”, she tells me, “but if you marry her, she’ll poison you “.

8:30 PM More fish….My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that are always three times larger that the plants they hold.

All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who instead lights up a cigarette.

“Why don’t you give them a little hand?” I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

“Dear, you don’t have to do that”, my mother tells her, smiling painfully.

“Oh, okay,” Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she re-enters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says “Whoops.”

I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. “Whoops?” No. “Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft.”

More fish comes out. After some groaning, Karen tries a piece of scungilli which she describes as “slimy, like worms.”

My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.

Aunt Mafalde does the same. Karen, believing this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest.

My Uncle Ziti doesn’t know what to make of it. My father’s dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 PM Coffee, dessert …. Expresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

“This is fun,” Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer – even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder and says, “Get the bitch out of my house” 

Sounds fine to me.

As opposed to,,,???

Christmas Oddities

In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit.

In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the streets to be blocked off on Christmas eve so that the people can roller-skate to church.

An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.

It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.

In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.

Epstein List Hangs Itself Moments Before Release

U.S. — In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities.

“This is such a tragedy for many of us who desperately wanted to know who was on that list,” said former Presidential candidate and document security expert Hillary Clinton. “Now we’ll sadly never know. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of this ‘Epstein List,’ may it rest in peace.”

Authorities confirmed the list was found hanging by a rope tied to an overhead beam, and that it had killed itself completely of its own accord.

The list was cremated and buried this morning.

OUCH!

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus traveling in a lift of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $50 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!

My wife told me, “Sex is better on vacation.”

Not the best postcard I’ve ever received!

Her:  I wish you would just grab me, throw me up against the wall, tear my clothes off and choke me while you….” 

Me:  [interrupts] …Do you have any idea how many felonies that is?”

Umm…okay, sure!

Every day around midnight, I’m shocked to find out it’s only 6 pm.

I’ve got a couple working in my building you can have.

I can’t afford an Ancestry DNA Kit to learn about my relatives.  So instead, I posted online that I had won the lottery.

That is one big ugly dog

You think you can hurt my feelings? 

I used to hold the flashlight for my Dad.

And that my fellow campers, brings to a close another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs.  I want you to remember…

And I want you to remember that I am always praying for you to have God’s Blessings upon you and that He might bring you Happiness and Love, Health and Comfort all the days of your life.  So, until we meet again.  Be well my dear friends.

Welcome to another issue of the greatest ezine on the internet.  

Yeah, that’s all I’ve got to say this morning.  I figure I’ll get this issue started before I start in on my prep this week for my jail ministry and my soon to start Thursday night ministry.  The new one is called Heroes of the Bible.  It’s a study of Hebrews 11.  If you aren’t sure, go and re-read that chapter and it should become clear.

Anyway, 

We are all putting an awful lot of faith into 2024.  Let’s pray to God daily and keep Him on our side and that can only help.

umm… I’m not sure…

Okay then.

We received about 20 inches of snow this week. So………. 8:00 am: I made a snowman. 

 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman. 

 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 

 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere. 

 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snowmen instead. 

 8:22 – The transgender man / woman / person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts. 

 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not to be used to decorate snow figures. 

 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow person is white. 

 8:30 – I used food coloring to make the snow person a different color and be more racially inclusive. 

 8:37 – Then I was accused of using a black face on the snow person. 

 8:39 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered. 

 8:40 – The police arrived saying someone had been offended. 

 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 

8:43 – The ‘council on equality’ officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 

 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now a sexist. 

 9:00 – I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 

 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 

 9:29 – Far left protesters, offended by everything, marched down the street demanding that I be arrested. 

 9:45 – The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media 

 10:00 – I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman… 

 Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes.

Now see!  There is a man who has been married for a while and knows exactly the right thing to say at the right time.

I wish pets lived longer and life wasn’t so expensive and cake didn’t make you fat and people weren’t idiots.

Boy aged 4:  Dad, I’ve decided to get married. 

Dad:  Wonderful, do you have a girl in mind?! 

Boy:  Yes…grandma!  She said she loves me.  I love her, too…and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world! 

Dad:  That’s nice, but we have a small problem, there!! 

Boy:  What problem?!  

Dad:  She happens to be my mother.  How can you marry my mother!!  

Boy:  Why not?!  You married mine!!!!

These are the alarms that protect our doors and portals at Dragon Laffs, Inc.  If you don’t have the correct passwords, these little guys make sure you do not pass through.

I found out that saying, “There, there little girl” to a pissed off grown man only makes things worse.

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today.  I have a wee cough.”

He said, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really?  Thanks boss, see you next week!”

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.  She was a mathemachicken.

We are protected from the sea as well.  My third cousin on my mother’s side run’s the naval protection.

I’m beginning to think my chiropractor
is manipulating me.

And the sad thing is the comparison between THIS meme and the “Meanwhile in Australia” memes.  Not only is it embarrassing, but it’s worse because probably true somewhere.

Well, you can tell that whoever wrote the above does not have a clue about us.  Hoard useless, shiny things?  The last time I checked, gold isn’t useless.  And eating too much?  How is that even possible?  The rest of it, maybe.

That is AWESOME!!!

On HGTV, people can flip a whole house in a month.  Meanwhile, I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for a week now.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

That’s because of Bidenomics.  The democrats are taking such good care of us.  Oh wait…only if you’re an illegal that is.

Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones.
  Those *&#!&*!#s are up to something!

If there is a wrong place and a wrong time,
I’ll be there.

And so very much of it was weird.

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is going to suck.

Oh come on, man!  Not the fish!

Nope…not saying it…it’s just way too easy.

Here’s an article sent to me by Lynn that I’ve been holding on to until after the holidays.  It’s worth reading.

Biden protects bloated bureaucracy over those they serve

The Biden administration is setting a booby trap in case a Republican wins the presidency in 2024.

The White House unveiled a proposed rule Friday that would make it even harder than in the past for an incoming Republican president to wrest control of the left-leaning federal bureaucracy and actually implement the conservative policies promised to voters.

Of the 2.2 million federal workers, only 4,000 are presidential appointees.

The rest stay in their jobs, from one administration to the next, protected by rules making it nearly impossible to discipline or replace them. 

They overwhelmingly favor the left. (Maybe in the upper echelons they do, but us grunts in the lower ranks…not so much)

A staggering 95% of unionized federal employees who donate to political candidates give to Democrats, according to Open Secrets.  (But how many actually give?  I don’t give to political candidates.  I give to causes…as I think most republicans do)

Only a tiny 5% support Republicans.

Some federal workers in high positions slow-walk or even derail a Republican president’s agenda — and get away with it.

Why bother to vote if the left-leaning deep state stays in charge no matter who wins the presidency?

GOP candidates Donald Trump, Vivek Ramaswamy and Ron DeSantis are vowing to conquer this obstructionism.

Everett Kelley, union president of the American Federation of Government Employees, claims GOP contenders want to “politicize routine government work.”  

Nonsense. We’re not talking about mail carriers.

It’s time to make lawyers, PhDs and other top-level career bureaucrats implement the president’s agenda, not their own.

After Trump won in 2016, they went to town neutralizing him on almost every policy front.

Career lawyers in the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division flat out refused to challenge Yale University’s discrimination against Asian-American applicants.

Trump had to recruit lawyers from other divisions.

After Biden became president, the DOJ dropped the case.

But the same career lawyers made the losing argument favoring affirmative action at the US Supreme Court. 

Career health officials like Dr. Deborah Birx circumvented Trump’s instructions to moderate COVID lockdowns. 

Environmental Protection Agency lawyers pursued cases against fossil-fuel producers and withheld the information from Trump appointees.

Trump mandated that new federal buildings be designed to please the public, which prefers classical forms. 

Instead General Services Administration architects chose modern designs they like. One result is the new federal building in San Francisco, the ugliest edifice in the city.

(That is one ugly building!)

It goes on, including weaponization of the FBI against the president himself.

In October 2020, President Trump issued an order that federal workers who make policy should be reclassified as at-will employees who can be terminated.

But before it could be implemented, Biden became president. Biden canceled it immediately, knowing the bureaucrats were on his side.

The rule announced Friday would slow a president’s ability to reinstate Trump’s order.

Democrats in Congress are going further, pushing to eliminate the president’s authority to reclassify jobs altogether. 

The New York Times announced, “Biden Administration Aims to Trump-Proof the Federal Work Force.”

Vivek Ramaswamy vows to do more than Trump, eliminating half or more of civil-service positions.

He says, “Speaking as a CEO, if somebody works for you and you can’t fire them, that means they don’t work for you.”

New York magazine facetiously claims holding employees accountable is a threat to good government and warns a Republican victory will mean “a new class of federal appointees charged with a partisan agenda.”

Democrats and their media allies falsely romanticize civil service, claiming it protects “merit” over patronage.

Merit was the intention when the 1883 Pendleton Act created the civil service. But merit is largely gone. 

Scramble those five letters and what you’ve got is the “timer” system.

Federal workers get bigger salaries and fatter benefits than private-sector workers doing comparable jobs.  (WHAT?!?!  Since when?  Maybe at the top level.  But for the job that I’m doing, I could make two to three times more in the civilian market. The people who do the REAL work don’t do it for the money, they do it to serve their country.  But then again, I don’t REALLY work for the government, I work for the military.  The United States Air Force to be exact.  That’s a big difference.)

And they almost never lose their job, no matter how derelict they are.  (Sigh)

They put in their time and skate to a gold-plated retirement package.  (Don’t I wish.  If that were the case, I wouldn’t still be working after 30+ years of service)

It’s a gravy train, paid for by John Q. Public. (Well, John Q. Public includes us, too)

That’s sickening enough. But it’s even worse when these civil “servants” put their own leftist leanings ahead of the president and public they’re paid to serve. 

Bravo to the GOP candidates pledging to take on the deep state — replete with deadbeats and lefties — and return government to the people. It’s a worthy fight.

Shame on Biden for protecting bureaucracy instead of democracy. 

Not in America.

Betsy McCaughey is a former lieutenant governor of New York.

I do understand the point of the article and I agree.  The problem with her article is that it makes it sound like ALL government employees are in the same boat.  We’re not.  You’re really talking about the top 5 or maybe…MAYBE 10%.  All the rest of us are UNDER paid for the work that we do and don’t get ANY of those perks.  Nor do we have any say-so in anything that goes on.

Okay, so I think it might be a legitimate plan…

YOU wouldn’t surprise me at all!

And the scariest part:  Why is no one asking questions?  She’s not bright enough to pull that crap off on her own!!

Come on…work it out.

Seen on the NY Subway…that is a great name for a ball team!

And here’s a GREAT Letter of Resignation sent to us by brother Joe from NJ

Letter of Resignation

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary math still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In aworld of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers birthday”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

Never screw with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely

Ponder these Proverbs…

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good

It was Super Bowl, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long before game time.  As he called the play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth. The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out what was going on.

“Pardon me, sir,” the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. “Do you happen to know why this seat is empty?”

“Yeah. It’s my wife’s seat.”

“And why is it empty?”

“She died.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. But couldn’t you get a friend to come to the game with you today?”

“Impossible,” the man said. “They’re all at her funeral.”

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm… “I’d like to buy a horth” he says.

“What sort of a horse?”, said the owner.

“A female horth.” The owner shows him a mare.  “Nithe horth,” says the dwarf, “can I thee her eyth?”

The owner picks him up, shows the eyes.

“Nith eyth,” says the dwarf, “can I thee her teeth?”

The owner picks him up and shows him the teeth.

“Nith teeth,” he says, “now can I see her twot?”

The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out.  The dwarf shakes his head and says, “Perhaps I should weefwaze that…can I see her wun awound?!?!”

I’m letting everyone I know I’m heterosexual.

So, feel free to praise me for my courage and incredible bravery.

I think this next one is a GREAT idea…

Teachers should wear body cams like police so parents can see how their children act…

I have a riddle:
If you’re going down a river at 2 mph and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I would just like to thank the person who told my daughter that when she lies her eyes turn a different color.  Now she squeezes her eyes shut every time she lies…and my job just became a whole lot easier.

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.
We haven’t met yet.

It’s perfectly okay to talk to yourself and it’s perfectly ok to answer yourself.  But it’s totally sad that you have to repeat what you said because you weren’t listening.

And that is it again for another issue my friends.  Until next time, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I’m not really sure what day this is.  Well, I’m sure what day I’m writing this, I’m just not sure what day YOU will be READING this.  Because I haven’t decided when I will be putting this one out there.  But you know, come to think of it, I really don’t ever know what day you guys will be reading this, ’cause you guys can read it anytime you want to.  

Anyway, I’ve gotten a couple of notices that some people, occasionally can’t seem to get the whole issue through email.  Now, understand that I have no control over the email aspect of this whole process.  It wasn’t until fairly recently that I even knew that so many of you were even reading it by email.  I though that everyone was just getting an email notification that the episode was posted and that everyone was going to the website to read it.  So, on those occasions when the email does mess up, you can always go the way that I thought you guys were going in the first place and go to the website and read it the old fashioned way.  Just go to:

I mean, it is why I pay for the domain name every year…right?

So let’s jump into today’s issue.

This could get really exciting.

This is disgusting!

And this next one is crazy … funny, but crazy.

Entire Driveway Stolen in Central Florida

A woman in Reddick, Florida, didn’t even have to open her front door to realize she had been robbed. That’s because thieves stole her driveway. Well, the brick pavers that made up the driveway to be exact.

And here is the rest of the article  https://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/entire-driveway-stolen-in-central-florida-6526367

My cousin, Susan, says that teaching a Sex Education class has its own special problems.  

She complained. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don*t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.” 

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.

The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman,

in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”

To which the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one!”

Dancing till dawn

Well, the perfect end to the perfect … whatever.  I’m sitting here, working on Dragon Laffs, watching a little TV.  It’s about 7 at night on the 30th of January, Saturday night.  I’ve just finished dinner, yet another can of chili with a PB&J cut into little squares so I don’t have to bite into the sandwich cause it hurts.  Oh, and just for the record, I had oatmeal for breakfast…again.  That’s the same for three weeks in a row, now.  Oatmeal for breakfast and canned chili for dinner.  Oh, I’ve had the occasional can of beef ‘o roni thrown in here and there, but for the most part… you get it.  

Anyway, so I’m sitting here and the door bell rings and there’s a Sheriff’s Deputy at the door with a summons for the lawsuit that has been hanging over my head.  So now I’ve got twenty days to get it worked out.  So I called my lawyer friend again and she’s going to reach out to them again.  But of course my heart is racing, my head is pounding…the perfect end.

Dear Father in Heaven, this next year has to be better than the last two have been.  Please Father.

This one is from Ted.  Jim Stafford plays Classical Gas at Branson, MO.  But, it’s not what you think..

Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank teller’s cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and so it went, day after day, year after year.

Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded.

There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane’s engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint , Saint Francis.

He pleaded, “I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this should be, I don’t know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?”

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth’s surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. “My son, I can save you, if you have in truth called upon me.”

“Yes, I called on you,” cried Johnson. “I called on you, Saint Francis!”

“Ah,” said the heavenly voice, “Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi. Which?”

Just another cool picture

Definitions you won’t find in the dictionary!

ADULT:

1. A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOR:

2. A place where women curl up and dye. 

CANNIBAL:

3. Someone who is fed up with people. 

CHICKENS:

4. The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

COMMITTEE:

5. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST:

6. Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST:

7. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

GOSSIP:

8. A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 

HANDKERCHIEF:

9. Cold Storage. 

INFLATION:

10. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO:

11. An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN:

12. Grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET:

13. Something you tell one person at a time. 

TOOTHACHE:

14. The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW:

15. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 

YAWN:

16. An honest opinion openly expressed. 

WRINKLES:

17. Something other people have. You have character lines

I try to find the good in every situation.
Wait.
That was a typo.
I meant “food”.
I try to find the food in every situation.

If women just use you for dinner dates, you are a foodie call.

Only on the New York Subway

Working at an unemployment office has to be a tense job…knowing if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 94,239 times, you’re a WEATHERMAN.

I don’t jog…
because I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know that’s how you end up finding a dead body.

The bad part is that there are probably some of you out there who have NO IDEA what that last meme is about AT ALL.  I can’t possibly be that old, can I?

Mike Gallagher, the 8th most recognized talk radio personality in the U.S.A., is heard by over 2.25 million listeners weekly. He compiled and wrote the following essay entitled, “Obama: It was You.”

* It was you who spoke these words at an Islamic dinner – “I am one of you.”
* It was you who on ABC News referenced – “My Muslim faith.”
* It was you who gave $100 million in U.S. taxpayer funds to re-build foreign mosques.
* It was you who wrote that in the event of a conflict- “I will stand with the Muslims.”
* It was you who assured the Egyptian Foreign Minister that – “I am a Muslim.”
* It was you who bowed in submission before the Saudi King.
* It was you who sat for 20 years in a Liberation Theology Church condemning America and professing Marxism.
* It was you who exempted Muslims from penalties under Obamacare that the rest of us have to pay.
* It was you who purposefully omitted – “endowed by our Creator ” – from your recitation of The Declaration Of
Independence.
* It was you who mocked the Bible and Jesus Christ’s Sermon On The Mount while repeatedly referring to the ‘HOLY’ Qur’an.
* It was you who traveled the Islamic world denigrating the United States Of America.
* It was you who instantly threw the support of your administration behind the building of the Ground Zero Victory mosque overlooking the hallowed crater of the World Trade Center.
* It was you who refused to attend the National Prayer Breakfast, but hastened to host an Islamic prayer breakfast at the
White House
* It was you who ordered Georgetown Univ. and Notre Dame to shroud all vestiges of Jesus Christ BEFORE you would
agree to go there to speak, but in contrast, you have NEVER requested the mosques you have visited to adjust their decor.
* It was you who appointed anti-Christian fanatics to your Czar Corps.
* It was you who appointed rabid Islamists to Homeland Security.
* It was you who said that NASA’s “foremost mission” was an outreach to Muslim communities.
* It was you who as an Illinois Senator was the ONLY individual who would speak in favor of infanticide.
* It was you who was the first President not to give a Christmas Greeting from the White House, and went so far as to hang
photos of Chairman Mao on the White House tree.
* It was you who curtailed the military tribunals of all Islamic terrorists.
* It was you who refused to condemn the Ft. Hood killer as an Islamic terrorist.
* It is you who has refused to speak-out concerning the horrific executions of women throughout the Muslim culture,
but yet, have submitted Arizona to the UN for investigation of hypothetical human-rights abuses.
* It was you who when queried in India refused to acknowledge the true extent of radical global Jihadists, and instead
profusely praised Islam in a country that is 82% Hindu and the victim of numerous Islamic terrorists assaults.
* It was you who funneled $900 Million in U.S. taxpayer dollars to Hamas.
* It was you who ordered the United States Postal Service to honor the MUSLIM holiday with a new commemorative stamp.
* It was you who directed our UK Embassy to conduct outreach to help “empower” the British Muslim community.
* It was you who funded mandatory Arabic language and culture studies in Grammar schools across our country.
* It is you who follows the Muslim custom of not wearing any form of jewelry during Ramadan.
* It is you who departs for Hawaii over the Christmas season so as to avoid past criticism for NOT participating in seasonal
White House religious events.
* It was you who was uncharacteristically quick to join the chorus of the Muslim Brotherhood to depose Egypt’s Hosni
Mubarak, formerly America’s strongest ally in North Africa; but, remain muted in your non-response to the Brotherhood
led slaughter of Egyptian Christians.
* It was you who appointed your chief adviser, Valerie Jarrett, an Iranian, who is a member of the Muslim Sisterhood, an
off-shoot of the Muslim Brotherhood.
* It was you who said this country is not a Christian nation.

And is it you, as so many of us think, that is still behind the current democratic administration?

I was just sent this story by Joe from NJ.  We both agree that it’s a bit of an oldie and in fact, I do believe that I’ve used it before.  Now, I’m not saying that it’s a TRUE story, but I am saying that it COULD BE a true story.  I have certainly seen God do much harder things that people have prayed for.  So, I choose to believe that somewhere at some time, in some small way, a child received an answer to a prayer by a small kitten falling from the sky in front of them and that kitten becoming a most loved on friend for a very long time.

An Answered Prayer

Br. Jim’s kitten climbed a tree in his backyard and wouldn’t come down. The tree wasn’t sturdy enough for Br. Jim to climb it to rescue the kitten or even to prop a ladder against it to climb up. He didn’t want to bother the fire department. He wasn’t even sure they really came out to rescue kittens anymore. Besides, he prided himself on figuring things out on his own. The first thing he figured out was that kitten wasn’t coming down on her own. So he pitched a rope up into the tree and looped it around some of the branches. Then he hooked the other end of the rope to his car bumper. He figured he could carefully bend the little tree over until he could reach up and rescue the kitten. 

Things started out fairly well. He eased the car forward. The tree bent over. But the kitten, clinging tighter than ever to the branch he was wrapped around, still was a bit too high. So Br. Jim pulled the car up a bit farther. Then disaster struck! The rope broke. The tree went “boing!” and the poor little kitten went sailing through the air out of sight.

Needless to say, Br. Jim felt awful. He searched all through the neighborhood, but nobody had seen a stray kitten. Finally he said a prayer,  “Lord, I just commit the kitten to your keeping,” and  gave up to go on about his business.

A few days later he was in the grocery store and met one of his church members. He was amazed to see cat food in her shopping cart. This woman had always been very vocal in her dislike of cats. So he asked her why in the world she was buying cat food since she hated cats so much.

“Br. Jim, you see it’s like this,” she explained. “My little girl has been begging and begging me for a cat and I kept saying no. Finally I told her if the Lord gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” The woman’s face changed, got a look of awe, as she went on. “Well, my little girl went out in the yard, got down on her knees and started praying for the Lord to send her a kitten.” The woman slowly shook her head. “Preacher, you are never going to believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of my little girl.”

Never under estimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.  Proverbs says a merry heart worketh good like a medicine. I hope the story made you smile, but we can be pretty sure that poor little kitten used up one of its nine lives on that flight through the air.

Yup!

Yes, that is Dolly as a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a 1/3 pound burger at a lower price.  The product failed because most customers thought the 1/4 pound was bigger.

This is why I don’t argue on line.

Women have only 2 problems:

1.  Nothing to wear.
2.  No room for all their clothes.

Someone said to me, “You’re hard on your kids.”

Yeah, that’s why they aren’t little jerks.

And sometimes it’s the internal voice of approval when you give it over to God…and then LEAVE it there.

I’m thinking of taking the wine box back to complain.  It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it only lasted me 3 hours.

I have to ask the Whelpling if that was him

The older you get the more you realize how precious life is.  You have no desire for drama, conflict, or stress.  You just want good friends, a cozy home, food on the table, and people who make you happy.

“I gave you life; You give me your Reese’s; That’s the deal.”

~ Every Mom on Halloween

I know this one isn’t him.

Burglar:  [points gun at me] Alright buddy, just show me where your valuables are and I won’t hurt you.  

Me:  Ha ha, sure thing dude – ALEXA, CALL THE POLICE 

Alexa:  Shuffling songs by The Police

[Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times]

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets.  Sharon is not up for a good time.

What an awkward phone call that was…

My wife sent me a text that said, “Your great”

So, naturally, I wrote back, “No, you’re great”

She’s been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

If you’re asking that question, I have one for you…How long have you been married?

Today is the last day of 2023 as I’m sitting here writing this and I’ve got a lot on my mind right now. 

First, let me say thank you to all of you who have wished me and mine a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all the rest.  I do appreciate it.  I also appreciate the many kind words about understanding for the fewer issues coming out with my busier schedule of late.  That is much appreciated as well.  I have received many comments, emails and messages from you guys and they have almost all been well wishes and words of understanding.

Again, today is the last day of the year, New Year’s Eve, and I have NO plans to do anything tonight.  My dear Izzy Dragon is working tonight, so it’s not like I can go too far from home, I’m not a big drinker and I won’t drink and drive and this is a real dangerous night to be out driving.  Besides all that, I’m of an age that New Year’s Eve parties just don’t hold the same appeal to me that they used to.  

But, this is a time for contemplation.  One of the things I’ve been contemplating lately is the eight different words that the Greeks had for the concept of love.  It intrigues me so much that I’m in the middle of writing an essay on it.  Imagine the deeper the understanding of the bible.

I’ve contemplated the difficulty in giving things over to God that I want so much to try and control myself.  There are SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS going on in my life right now.  And not a single one of them do I have complete control over.  Most of them I don’t have ANY control over.  On my way into church today, I had one of our elders, whom I hadn’t seen in a while because he and his wife have been ill, ask me, “So have you gotten all those issues worked out since I’ve seen you last?”  I replied to him that absolutely nothing had been worked out yet, except my brother’s funeral…and he’s not even “buried” yet.  And he doesn’t even know the extent of ALL the issues I’ve got going on right now.  You guys know more than he does. 

I’m a worrier.  It used to keep me up at night.  But now, since I’ve learned to give things over to God, I know there is a time when it will be my turn and until then, just let it go…but that is hard.  I sit here and I feel like there ought to be SOMETHING that I should be doing.  But God’s time is not my time and I know that all things work out for His good.

I contemplate not having Dragon Laffs come out as often as I would like.  I know that many of us use humor to get through the day.  To help us with the hard times.  The sorrows and the griefs.  That is one of the  main, if not THE main purpose of this publication.  This is my own “worst time of the year”.  You would think that it would be over now, but it’s not.  It’s working it’s way to a peak.  On January 8th it will hit a peak for me and THEN it will go down.  Hopefully.  I also contemplate why it seems to be worse this year then it was last.

The lawsuit will be decided soon now that I’ve been served.  I’m hoping they will settle for a reasonable amount since I have everything tied up paying for my brother’s estate stuff.  I try not to worry about money.  I have REFUSED to worry about money.  It is hard, when I’ve spent my whole life not having any and virtually living paycheck to paycheck.  God has ALWAYS made sure we’ve had enough, but I’ve always had to do my part, too.  At one point in my life I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet.  When Mary was so sick.  Of course I was a much younger man then. And it’s that part of my life that’s coming back to bite me now because one of the MANY credit cards that we had that we were trying to lump sum pay off, got tired of waiting their turn and wrote it off and then sold off the debt.  And now THAT company that bought that old debt is taking us to court.  I suppose I should be glad they waited until I could afford it.  And if this stuff with my brother wasn’t going on, I could probably just take the money and pay them off.  Or more likely make them a decent offer, since I’m sure they bought the debt for pennies on the dollar and pay it.  But of course, this is happening at the worst possible time.

And now all I’m doing is complaining and that’s not what this is for, this is for contemplating, but these are the things that I contemplate and much more.

But more than anything, I hope to be there for you guys in the coming year and beyond.  I want you to know that you are there for me as much as I am for you.  More so.  I need this as much as you do.  

Rereading this I can tell that my mind is in a dark place, so I’m going to end this and get it set up to publish on Thursday.  I may revisit it before than or I may start working on Saturday’s issue.  Regardless, my prayer for all of you is for God’s blessing of love and happiness for you in the coming year.  May you all feel His Peace and Comfort in your lives.

 

Here it is, New Year’s.  The start of a new year.  A chance for a new beginning.  In all honesty, every morning we are given a fresh start, a new beginning.  We don’t have to wait for January 1st to start anything.  God tells us as much.  Read Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”

I will hope in the Lord every morning, because his mercies are new every morning, so we can get a fresh start with the Lord every morning.  That beats the heck out of a New Year’s resolution, doesn’t it!

But, we are still going to celebrate the New Year today.  I don’t have a heck of a lot of New Year cartoons, but I do have some.  One of the resolutions I have had for the past couple of years is to read my Bible all the way through in a year and I have a new plan for that again this coming year.  We do this together as a church and this year’s plan is a little different.  It’s called Navigators Bible Reading Plan and, if you’re interested you can download a copy of the plan here: http://navlink.org/bible-reading-plan

It looks to be a bit different than previous plans.  If you download the pdf, it explains the whole thing on the front page.

Anyway, let’s move on to the other stuff, shall we?

This is an amazing essay sent in to us by Lynn.  It’s called “Giving” and it’s written by Katharine Hepburn.  Some of you younger folks may not know who that is.

Katharine Hepburn’s childhood, in her own words.

“Once when I was a teenager, my father and I were standing in line to buy tickets for the circus.

Finally, there was only one other family between us and the ticket counter. This family made a big impression on me.

There were eight children, all probably under the age of 12. The way they were dressed, you could tell they didn’t have a lot of money, but their clothes were neat and clean.

The children were well-behaved, all of them standing in line, two-by-two behind their parents, holding hands. They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns, animals, and all the acts they would be seeing that night. By their excitement you could sense they had never been to the circus before. It would be a highlight of their lives.

The father and mother were at the head of the pack standing proud as could be. The mother was holding her husband’s hand, looking up at him as if to say, “You’re my knight in shining armour.” He was smiling and enjoying seeing his family happy.

The ticket lady asked the man how many tickets he wanted. He proudly responded, “I’d like to buy eight children’s tickets and two adult tickets, so I can take my family to the circus.” The ticket lady stated the price.

The man’s wife let go of his hand, her head dropped, the man’s lip began to quiver. Then he leaned a little closer and asked, “How much did you say?” The ticket lady again stated the price.

The man didn’t have enough money. How was he supposed to turn and tell his eight kids that he didn’t have enough money to take them to the circus?

Seeing what was going on, my dad reached into his pocket, pulled out a $20 bill, and then dropped it on the ground. (We were not wealthy in any sense of the word!) My father bent down, picked up the $20 bill, tapped the man on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, sir, this fell out of your pocket.”

The man understood what was going on. He wasn’t begging for a handout but certainly appreciated the help in a desperate, heartbreaking and embarrassing situation.

He looked straight into my dad’s eyes, took my dad’s hand in both of his, squeezed tightly onto the $20 bill, and with his lip quivering and a tear streaming down his cheek, he replied; “Thank you, thank you, sir. This really means a lot to me and my family.”

My father and I went back to our car and drove home. The $20 that my dad gave away is what we were going to buy our own tickets with.

Although we didn’t get to see the circus that night, we both felt a joy inside us that was far greater than seeing the circus could ever provide.

That day I learnt the value of giving.

The Giver is bigger than the Receiver. If you want to be large, larger than life, learn to Give. Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything.

The importance of giving, blessing others can never be over emphasized because there’s always joy in giving. Learn to make someone happy by acts of giving.”

~ Katharine Hepburn

What a great story.  And no, I didn’t fact check it, because it doesn’t matter.  Regardless of the truth of it, it is still a true story in that it teaches a wonderful lesson and it’s beautifully told.

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. 

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! 

We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.” 

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. 

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is At home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home. Admiring her new car, reading the manual.” 

They all turned to the last guy in the group and He is staring at them like they have lost their minds. 

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ and she said, “Take a sweater!”

“I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real blast. After I’d been there a few hours (and several, several drinks), I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side. She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist. 

She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was built!  The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and smiling. 

Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck. Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.  

I went over and stuck up a conversation with her (don’t remember about what, but it had to be very interesting). 

Well, one thing led to another and she invited me back to her place and being the gentleman I am, I said “OK.” 

I’m not going to go into all the details of the night (mainly because I don’t remember), but I awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying. I thought now this is great! I think I might have a keeper here. I got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen.

When I got there her mom (looked to be in her 80’s or 90’s) was standing at the stove. 

Embarrassed, I stammered, “Where’s your daughter?” 

She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said, “I don’t have a daughter.

You know it will work and you know they won’t do it.

This is how we do snow removal 

This may be true, I just wish as I’ve gotten older, it would make up it’s mind.

Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave – I’d say I’m having a very good day.

Grandma once said, “Sometimes you have to hug people you don’t like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.”

There is a serious problem in the matrix!

This generation will never understand what that Sears Roebuck Christmas Catalog meant to us 40 years ago.

Keeping watch over the Valley of the Shadow of Death

Yeah, it was from last year…but you can figure the same thing applies, if not more so for 2024

It sure couldn’t hurt!

Trust me when I tell you that THIS is the only thing that allows me to sleep at night.  NOTHING in my life that I have been talking to you guys about lately has been worked out.  ALL of it is still balancing in the air and it seems like daily, more is being added.  I would have told you if I had gotten any of it worked out or managed.  Although I will say that my new dentures do feel about 10% better.  I go see the dentist again on Tuesday (I think).  Someone I talked to lately said that when he had it down it took him about 2 months before he felt a decent amount of relief.  And now there is even more being added to my plate.  Without me being able to confidently say, “God, I know you have got this and I’m giving ALL of this over to You.” I have no idea how I would be coping right now.

This one is from Aussie Pete

The Mourning Visitor

 A big, burly man knocked on the door of the pastor’s house one day and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman known for her charity work and her love for the poor and helpless. 

The woman opened the door and saw the man had tears streaming down his face. “Oh, whatever is the matter?” she cried out.

“I come to you today, dear woman, for the purposes of doing charity and good work,” said the man in a hopeless voice.

“Come in, come in!” The woman admitted him inside and they sat in her living room.

“Madam,” said the man in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.  The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.  They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”                 

“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife.  “May I ask who you are?”

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.  “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

To say that I am concerned…nay, frightened, is probably an understatement.

And here is yet another great story from Lynn

Such an incredible, mostly unknown story.

In 1933, a beautiful, young Austrian woman took off her clothes for a movie director. She ran through the woods, naked. She swam in a lake, naked. Pushing well beyond the social norms of the period. The most popular movie in 1933 was King Kong. But everyone in Hollywood was talking about that scandalous movie with the gorgeous, young Austrian woman.

Louis B. Mayer, of the giant studio MGM, said she was the most beautiful woman in the world. The film was banned practically everywhere, which of course made it even more popular and valuable. Mussolini reportedly refused to sell his copy at any price.

The star of the film, called “Ecstasy,” was Hedwig Kiesler. She said the secret of her beauty was “to stand there and look stupid.” In reality, Kiesler was anything but stupid. She was a genius. She’d grown up as the only child of a prominent Jewish banker. She was a math prodigy. She excelled at science. As she grew older, she became ruthless, using all the power her body and mind gave her.

Between the sexual roles she played, her tremendous beauty, and the power of her intellect, Kiesler would confound the men in her life including her six husbands, two of the most ruthless dictators of the 20th century, and one of the greatest movie producers in history. Her beauty made her rich for a time. She is said to have made – and spent – $30 million in her life.

But her greatest accomplishment resulted from her intellect, and her invention continues to shape the world we live in today.

You see, this young Austrian starlet would take one of the most valuable technologies ever developed right from under Hitler’s nose. After fleeing to America, she not only became a major Hollywood star, her name sits on one of the most important patents ever granted by the U.S. Patent Office. Today, when you use your cell phone or, over the next few years, as you experience super-fast wireless Internet access (via something called “long-term evolution” or “LTE” technology), you’ll be using an extension of the technology a 20-year-old actress first conceived while sitting at dinner with Hitler.

At the time she made Ecstasy, Kiesler was married to one of the richest men in Austria. Friedrich Mandl was Austria’s leading arms maker. His firm would become a key supplier to the Nazis. Mandl used his beautiful young wife as a showpiece at important business dinners with representatives of the Austrian, Italian, and German fascist forces. One of Mandl’s favorite topics at these gatherings – which included meals with Hitler and Mussolini – was the technology surrounding radio-controlled missiles and torpedoes.

Wireless weapons offered far greater ranges than the wire-controlled alternatives that prevailed at the time. Kiesler sat through these dinners “looking stupid,” while absorbing everything she heard. As a Jew, Kiesler hated the Nazis. She abhorred her husband’s business ambitions. Mandl responded to his willful wife by imprisoning her in his castle, Schloss Schwarzenau. In 1937, she managed to escape. She drugged her maid, snuck out of the castle wearing the maid’s clothes and sold her jewelry to finance a trip to London.

(She got out just in time. In 1938, Germany annexed Austria. The Nazis seized Mandl’s factory. He was half Jewish. Mandl fled to Brazil. (Later, he became an adviser to Argentina’s iconic populist president, Juan Peron.)

In London, Kiesler arranged a meeting with Louis B. Mayer. She signed a long-term contract with him, becoming one of MGM’s biggest stars. She appeared in more than 20 films. She was a co-star to Clark Gable, Judy Garland, and even Bob Hope. Each of her first seven MGM movies was a blockbuster. 

But Kiesler cared far more about fighting the Nazis than about making movies.

At the height of her fame, in 1942, she developed a new kind of communications system, optimized for sending coded messages that couldn’t be “jammed.” She was building a system that would allow torpedoes and guided bombs to always reach their targets. She was building a system to kill Nazis.

By the 1940s, both the Nazis and the Allied forces were using the kind of single frequency radio-controlled technology Kiesler’s ex-husband had been peddling. The drawback of this technology was that the enemy could find the appropriate frequency and “jam” or intercept the signal, thereby interfering with the missile’s intended path.

Kiesler’s key innovation was to “change the channel.” It was a way of encoding a message across a broad area of the wireless spectrum. If one part of the spectrum was jammed, the message would still get through on one of the other frequencies being used. The problem was, she could not figure out how to synchronize the frequency changes on both the receiver and the transmitter. To solve the problem, she turned to perhaps the world’s first techno-musician, George Anthiel.

Anthiel was an acquaintance of Kiesler who achieved some notoriety for creating intricate musical compositions. He synchronized his melodies across twelve player pianos, producing stereophonic sounds no one had ever heard before. Kiesler incorporated Anthiel’s technology for synchronizing his player pianos. Then, she was able to synchronize the frequency changes between a weapon’s receiver and its transmitter. On August 11, 1942, U.S. Patent No. 2,292,387 was granted to Antheil and “Hedy Kiesler Markey,” which was Kiesler’s married name at the time.

Most of you won’t recognize the name Kiesler. And no one would remember the name Hedy Markey. But it’s a fair bet that anyone reading this post of a certain age, will remember one of the great beauties of Hollywood’s golden age – Hedy Lamarr. That’s the name Louis B. Mayer gave to his prize actress. That’s the name his movie company made famous. Almost no one knows Hedwig Kiesler – a/k/a Hedy Lamarr – was one of the great pioneers of wireless communications. Her technology was developed by the U.S. Navy, which has used it ever since.

You are probably using Lamarr’s technology, too. Her patent sits at the foundation of “spread spectrum technology,” which you use every day when you log on to a wi-fi network or make calls with your Bluetooth-enabled phone. It lies at the heart of the massive investments being made right now in so-called fourth-generation “LTE” wireless technology. This next generation of cell phones and cell towers will provide tremendous increases to wireless network speed and quality, by spreading wireless signals across the entire available spectrum. This kind of encoding is only possible using the kind of frequency switching that Hedwig Kiesler invented.

Again, you can just over print the 2023 on top of the 2020.

Okay, so I tried to find the video on YouTube but couldn’t so I’m going to transcribe what they said here if I can work it out.  Let’s try:

Check this out with the 165 billion we gave to Ukraine. 

We could have built 6 border walls to stop illegal aliens from pouring across our southern border.
We could have fixed Flint’s water system 215 times over.
Could have given every homeless Vet $2 million.
Could have given $50 million to every family impacted by the Maui Wildfires. (and they got $700 each)
According to HUD, they think it would take $20 million to end homelessness in America today. So we could have ended homelessness 8 times over.

We have got to get our priorities in order!  It’s outrageous! 

So think about that campers.  When we KNOW that most of that money is going to line the pockets of our and their dirty politicians, that is just a VERY FEW of the wonderful things that COULD have been done with the money that is ALREADY GONE.  How about one more really good example.  So there is a retention problem in the military, do you think a decent pay raise would bring a few more of them in?  I KNOW that the ones that DO serve, don’t do it for the money, but it sure would be nice to pay the men and women who serve our country, the ones who are willing to lay down their lives for US, it sure would be a good thing to pay them what they are worth.

Watch this next one closely.  They didn’t realize they had gotten a Ninja Kitty.

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a “little” stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning.

The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: “The first mate was drunk today.”

“Captain please don’t let that stay in the log”, the mate said. “This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself.”

“Is it true?” asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

“Yes, its true” the mate said. “Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That’s the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion” said the captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate’s turn to make the log entries.

The first mate wrote: “The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today.”

I was teaching my 6-year-old granddaughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.

She asked, “Do I click the square?”

I said, “Yes.”

She asked me, “Single click or double click?”

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really,” he said, “have you tried mouthwash?”

A poor couple sat down in their living room and the man said, ”I’m going down to the bar for a bit, so put your coat on.”

The woman replied, ”Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?”

The man replied, ”No, I’m turning the heat off.”

I had heard that Alice Cooper had found God, but it is still surprising after listening to his music when I was younger.

Below are a few resignation letters written by staff to their managers good read!!

 

An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me to stay with your company.

A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here.

What a shame.

Our group has worked well but, as yet, has been criminally overlooked.

Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

—

Dear Unpersonable Bitch

As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here. It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company.

It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration.

However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realize that you couldn’t manage your way out of a paper bag.

Glad to be gone,

—

Dear Editor,

I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.

Yours,

————————————————————————

Dear John:

Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from, effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than the next two weeks.

It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.

God’s speed, and may the Force be with you.

Sincerely,

I wanted to share this incredible story with you guys because I’ll bet it didn’t make any national news because it’s a good news story.  I got it as an email press release at work.

DATE: December 26, 2023

 
 
 

Two Fisherman Find Man Trapped in a Crashed Vehicle

*Portage-* This afternoon at 3:45 p.m., the Porter County Dispatch Center received a 911 call reporting a crash on I-94 at the Salt Creek overpass.  This is one mile east of the Portage exit.

Two local fishermen were walking Salt Creek, scouting for fishing holes when they spotted what appeared to be a crashed vehicle. Out of curiosity, the made their way to the vehicle and observed what they thought was a lifeless person. However, when one of the fishermen touched the occupant, he turned his head and began to speak to them.  The Good Samaritans immediately called 911 and requested help. The Portage Fire Department and Burns Harbor Fire Department both responded and after a lengthy extrication process, were able to remove the driver from the vehicle. During their extrication efforts, it was determined that the crash had more than likely occurred sometime around December 20th. The driver was subsequently flown by Lutheran Air to Memorial Hospital in South Bend for treatment of severe, life-threatening injuries.

Preliminary investigation shows that the driver was operating a 2016 Dodge Ram truck, and he had been traveling westbound on I-94 when it left the roadway for unknown reasons. The vehicle drove into the north ditch, missing a protective guardrail. The truck then overturned into the creek, coming to a rest under the I-94 bridge. The driver was pinned inside of the vehicle and was unable to call for help.  Had it not been for the two individuals that were walking the creek this afternoon, this incident more than likely would have had a different outcome. There had not been any prior reports of a crash in this area prior to the fishermen finding the vehicle.

The driver of the vehicle has been identified as Matthew R. Reum, 27, who currently resides in Mishawaka, IN. A family member of Mr. Reum has been notified.

This crash is a reminder of the importance of always letting someone know if you are traveling, the route you are taking, and the need to always have emergency items in your vehicle. The will to survive this crash was nothing short of extraordinary as it was also determined that Mr. Reum was able to drink rain water for hydration in order to survive for such a long period of time while being exposed to the elements.

Well, the way it pasted I hope you guys can read it.  He crashed on the 20th and wasn’t found until the 26th.  My question is, why didn’t anyone notice him missing on Christmas Day?  But then again, if it wasn’t for Izzy, no one would notice if I was missing on Christmas Day…I’m sure there are others as well.

There is an incredible laziness factor, childish factor, and a big question about urinating…  When did men stop being men?

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on “The Sea.” Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. 
(Kelly age 6) 

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don’t get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. 
(David age 7) 

Oysters’ balls are called pearls. 
(James age 6) 

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.  If you don’t have sea all round you, you are in continent. 
(Wayne age 7) 

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more.
 (Kylie age 6) 

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. 
(Billy age 8) 

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. 
(Millie age 6) 

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. 
(William age 7) 

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6) 

I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. 
(Amy age 6) 

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7) 

My mom has fish nets, but doesn’t catch any fish. 
(Laura age 5) 

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. 
(Kevin age 6) 

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. 
(Lauren age 7) 

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. 
(Emma age 5) 

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. 
(Valerie age 6) 

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. 
(Becky age 8) 

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7) 

And that’s it my friends.  There may or may not be an issue on Monday.  I would expect your next one will be Thursday.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.  And I pray God’s blessings for a wonderful happy, healthy prosperous New Year for you all.  It has been a difficult holiday for me, thank you all for being there for me.  This next two weeks will be very difficult as I come up on the anniversary of the passing of my wife and my daughter.  I’m sure over the next couple of issues I’ll be forced to talk about it to get rid of it, but for now.  My love to you all.

So, I really like the header that I built for today’s issue.  I’m sitting here on Christmas Eve Eve, watching 7 hours of Rankin/Bass Christmas specials on YouTube with Izzy Dragon before she has to go to work and I thought since you guys got the Christmas episode of Dragon Laffs this morning, that I would start on the post Christmas Issue for next Thursday while I had a little time.  Not sure how much I’ll get done, but I’m sitting here and I hate not multitasking. 

Right now we are watching Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  That’s the one with the Burgermeister.  We started  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and then the Little Drummer Boy.  I have forgotten so much about these shows.  But they are fun.  Very formulaic, but fun.

Anyway, let’s go have some fun, and then maybe we’ll come back and talk some more.

See!  I like that option.  It’s got to be cheaper and easier than even cremation.  I tried to convince Mary to just dump my body in a dumpster (hence the name) somewhere.  She insisted that she wanted a burial and stuff so there was a place where she could come visit me.  Even though I told her that wasn’t me anymore, that I wasn’t there.  She insisted.  So, I told her that was fine, because you know that burial services and such are for the those that are left behind, not for the one who has departed.  

But chopper!  Now THAT’S the way to go!  

Probably not sanitary or healthy though.

Absolutely!  We should outlaw high speed trains.  Electric cars are fine though.

This one was sent to me by brother Wheats.  One of my oldest and dearest friends.  My roommate in Germany that goes back 42 years.  (HOLY CRAP!  42 years!!!)  

And this one was sent to me by Stephen as a video clip that I couldn’t use and I’m ashamed to say I laughed so hard and watched it over and over again and laughed and laughed.  So, I looked and found it where I could use it and show it to you guys.  It is funny.  Cruel, mean, but funny.

Simple but elegant. 

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. And, to his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. His Bishop, however, was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. And this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

I do have some unusual friends.

Here’s a surprising one from Joe.

https://youtube.com/shorts/IMfLGkEnlcs?si=oI8ONX-IzK-PizjT

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

– Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old.”

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday.”

Again, just because it’s cool.

I received a handful of late Christmas cartoons/memes and want to share them with you before it becomes too late.  So, here they all are, in one hilarious grouping.

I really like that one.  Now THAT is my true meaning of Christmas!

That’s right!  Dealing in memes is a dark and dangerous undertaking.

They don’t.  I’ve tried.

That’s not a new one, in fact it’s an old one, but to me, it’s probably one of my favorites of all time.

And finally, to all of you who sent me special Christmas and Birthday wishes, I’d like to say:

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programing…

It would sure help

The Good Samaritan

 As Mrs. Jones went to the market, she realized upon arriving that she had lost her purse somewhere along the way. Feeling very upset, she started to walk back in the scant hope that it will still be where she dropped it.

However, after 2 minutes, a boy comes running at her, holding her purse in his hands. “Is this yours, lady?” He cries at her

“Yes it is!” She cried in joy. She was so happy she hugged the boy and opened the purse to see everything was there. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “Well, the last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward…”

There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya.

On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic.  

As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. 

She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home. 

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, “Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?” 

Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, “If you boil the water, you won’t get dysentery.” 

That’s even worse than when Mary and I would drive in the car and a song that I liked would come on the radio and I would start to sing and Mary would turn the radio up to drown me out.  I know … I KNOW  I can’t sing, but dang!

Leon, a supervisory aerospace engineer, had been retired three months before he visited his old work place.

He wandered into one office and found a draftsman laboring earnestly. He hardly looked up the whole time he chatted with Leon.

Sensing that he was interrupting an important project, Leon was about to excuse himself when the draftsman threw down his instruments and sat back.

“For Pete’s sake,” he said, “it’s just dawned on me that I no longer have to look busy when you appear.”

That is such a wild picture.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 

• “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: … “Well, doc, it’s like this – 

• First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. 
• Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 
• Then I asked my wife for help. 
  • She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
  • She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 
• We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, 
  • First with both hands, then an armpit, and 
  • She even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! 

• “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, 

• “Yep. And none of us could get the jar open!

This next one is too funny.  I’ve always wondered what would happen… thanks Joe.

Now, before you get mad at me over this one, this one is from Joe.

Illinois, Guernee Law 

It is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts. 

(I’ve never seen a horse wearing shorts!)

He may have just now noticed.  Some men are like that.

Maybe started the last roll from the bottom instead of the top?

Nobody ever does.

Guess I had more political Christmas memes hiding away.  Should’ve used those in the last issue…oh well.

Political Quotes . . 

1. *Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
         — Mark Twain

2. *We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

           — Winston Churchill

3. *A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

           — George Bernard Shaw

4. *A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

           — G. Gordon Liddy

5. *Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

           — James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6. *Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

           — Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown Uni. (1992)

7. *Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

           — P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. *Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

           — Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9. *Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

           — Ronald Reagan (1986)

10. *I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

            –Will Rogers

11  *If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free.

           — P.J. O’Rourke

12. *If you want government to intervene domestically, you’re a liberal.

      If you want government to intervene overseas, you’re a conservative.

      If you want government to intervene everywhere, you’re a moderate.

      If you don’t want government to intervene anywhere, you’re an extremist.

           — Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)

13. *In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

           — Voltaire (1764)

14. *Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.

           — Pericles (430 B.C.)

15. *No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

           — Mark Twain (1866)

16. *Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.

           — (Meandyou)

17. *The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

           — Ronald Reagan

18. *The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

           — Winston Churchill

19. *The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

           — Mark Twain

20. *The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

           — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

21. *There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. 

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.” 

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

“Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.” 

Pure genius!

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. 

“Hoot mon,” he said, “in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20.” 

“That might be true,” said the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked.” 

“Well, at $50/hour for a boat,” said the Scotsman, “it’s no wonder he walked.”

Amen

An American and an English officer were in the Officers’ Club having a few drinks. 

After several of them, they hit on the idea to make the following (gentleman’s) bet: 

The one who could tell the biggest lie would win. They drew straws, and the American officer got to start: 

“Well,” he says, “there once was an American gentleman–” 

“Stop!” cried the Englishman, “You win!” 

This next one is pretty cool.  Again, thanks to Joe.

Yeah, been there done that.  But, haven’t we all.  I remember Mary and her mom talking…and this is just a couple of years ago mind you…well, I just looked it up and mom died almost 18 years ago, so it just seems like it was just a couple of years ago.  ANYWAY, Mary and I were at least several years married and Mary and her mom were talking and Mary accidently said the “F-Word” and both of them, at the exact same time – Mary ducked and mom swung to slap Mary’s face.  And it was pure instinct on both of their parts.  I laughed so hard.  What a great memory that is.

I probably shouldn’t post this next one because I use an awful lot of these where I work, but here goes:

Secrets of Government Workers (You pick the Government!) 

1. Never walk without a document in your hands. 

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 

2. Use computers to look busy 

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught  — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving 
valuable training expenses. 

3. Messy desk 

Top management can get away with a clean desk.  For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 

4. Voice Mail 

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. 

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed 

Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy. 

6. Leave the office late 

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays. 

7. Creative Sighing for Effect 

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. 

8. Stacking Strategy 

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best). 

9. Build Vocabulary 

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive. 

10. Have 2 Jackets 

If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere 

11. MOST IMPORTANT: 

DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake

Now that one I believe because I’ve seen spiders about that big in New Mexico.

What you are about to witness next is probably the luckiest…or dumbest…man in the world.

A man walked into a doctor’s office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his right ear, and a banana in his left ear.

“What’s wrong with me, Doc?” he asked.

The doctor took one glance and pronounced, “You’re not eating properly!”

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C,” the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels “feel” as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2020:

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es……..

And when you have friends like you guys it makes it a lot easier to hang on.

Are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men?

When I read that to Izzy, her response was, “Are the houses made out of the men or are the men made from the houses?”  That’s a really good question…

And that, my dear friends, brings us to a close of another issue.  I wish you all a wonderful and blessed day, may laughter and joy be yours until we meet again.