So, I started putting this together and before I got anywhere at all I got sucked down a YouTube rabbit hole of  Karens being arrested and stupid drivers and stuff like that and before I knew it the whole hour I was going to dedicate to this was gone.  And now I have to take the dogs out and go and get Izzy from work and go to bed so I can get up and go to work in the morning.  We are at the beginnings of an ice storm for over night so maybe I’ll get a base delay or maybe even a base closure for tomorrow and I’ll have some time to work on this tomorrow morning…we’ll see.  So, until then.  God bless you my friends.

So, where was I … oh, yeah, well, we did get delayed this morning, but not enough for me to do any work on this.  It’s not Tuesday night and I have to get this finished tonight or it won’t get done because I have jail tomorrow night.  We did get an ice storm… sort of.  It wasn’t as bad as everyone worried, but it was still pretty bad.

Anyway, long story short, I need to get this issue going so you guys have something to read on Thursday.  I’ll try not to rant too much, but there are a couple of things I want to talk about, so we’ll see how that goes.  In the mean time…

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.” So she did. “Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room.” So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, “OK now crawl reery fass to me.” So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.”

Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

This is from Stephen B.

I saw your post about the Loch Ness soup ladle.    Here is a picture of a Loch Ness Monster I made for my son at the request of my daughter in law…..(it is carved in 4 different parts.)

I think it is adorable!

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say,

“Oops, gotta run!”

I really need to check into this!  Or even better, have one of my many Dragon Laffs fact checkers out there check on it for me.  Any takers?

Just because it’s a beautiful pictures

Two girls were discussing pranks they had played on people in the past while waiting for a bus.

After they boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the other, “Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.”

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.

“My dear Mr. Wilson,” she gushed, “fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you. Why, you’re almost a stranger. My, but I’m tired.”

The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before, but he rose and said pleasantly, “Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn’t often I see you on washday.

No wonder you’re tired. Being pregnant isn’t easy. By the way, don’t deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the Lawyer’s office to see whether she can get your husband out of jail.”

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it

I was greeted with ” is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss” not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, “get really good pictures of the body and all the blood” then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shakey voice.

I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, very enjoyable.

Okay, before someone else points it out, this is quite obviously a rip-off of Tom Mabe from the famous Bob and Tom show out of Indianapolis.  Right here:

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

When asked what he would do if released, he replied, “I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place.”

Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. “I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place”

Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.

The patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out.

But this time he was ready. He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down.”

“Good,” they said, and then what?”

He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”

They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?

“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed.”

“Yes?”, the board said excitedly.

“Then I am going to gently remove her panties,” he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked, “Then what are you going to do?”

He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!”

“We are willing to purchase ALL the girl scout cookies you can acquire … and we don’t care HOW you acquire them!”

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business.

Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds.  Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem.

The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill.  The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of… “dye a rhea.”

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

-Voltaire (1694-1778)

YEAH BABY!!!

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as “living-impaired.”
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

And I deal with some of these strategies every single day.

Absolutely the PERFECT response!!

A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job.  

He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 

Upon his arrival at the workers’ compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.  

Assessor:  “I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, I feel really sick.” 

Assessor:  “All right then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.” 

Assessor:  “And what about the cabin in which you drive?”
Trucker:  “Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.”

Assessor:  “What about the waste itself?  Where is that kept?” 
Trucker:  “Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.” 

Assessor:  “Let me see if I get this straight.  You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, that’s right.  All lead.” 

Assessor:  “Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.” 
Trucker:  “I’m not suing for radiation poison.  I claiming for lead poisoning!” 

Women always say some snide little comments when they catch their guy looking at a cute girl.

Bills wife caught him last week. She said, “You look like a kid in a candy store!”

Thank God Bill is witty. He came right back with, “Yeah, well, I’m married now so, I’m a kid with diabetes in a candy store.”

TEN THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a hoot.
3. How about “never?” Is “never” good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

“You filthy pervert!” she shrieked. “What makes you think I’d let you do a thing like that to me?”

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, “Unless you’re the s.o.b. that stole my diary…”

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed,” many women still sleep with their husbands.

I loved that one!

Sometimes you might feel like no one’s there for you, but you know who’s always there for you?

Laundry.

Laundry will always be there for you.

Nostalgia was a lot better back in MY day.

“Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”

[Terrible joke.  Only three stars.]

You can’t hang with me if you’re going to cry every time they handcuff us.

Guess who cleaned their house today!!

Not me, but someone did and I’m proud of you!

Just got my shot for Shingles.  
Just to be safe I got one for Vinyl Siding, too.

“Allow me to slip into something more comfortable.”
[Gets in my car and leaves]

Not me!  That’s crazy!!

Okay, so I want to bring one more thing up.  Did you guys hear about the two Navy Seals who drowned?  Even the American Legion is apparently buying into this farce.  Why farce?  Well, supposedly they tell us that one of them fell over board and the other one went in after him to try and save him and they both disappeared and can’t be found and are presumed drowned.  That was the first story that came out.  The American Legion email that I got referenced a Stars and Stripes article that says that the Seals seized an unflagged ship carrying illicit Iranian-made weapons.  While boarding the ship, one of the Seals went under in the heavy seas and a teammate went in to save him.

Now, add to that the article states that the seals were backed on this mission by drones and helicopters.

And it comes out today when they identified the men that one was 37 years old with like 10 years of being a seal and the other was 27 with a couple of years of experience.  Both of them were highly decorated.

Here’s where I as a surfer, sailor and someone who spent a LOT of time on the water as a younger person, and apparently MANY in the SEAL community have a problem with this “story”.  Seals wear floatation devices.  They also wear locator beacons.  Seals spend half their life in the water, if one of them were to fall in the water, why would another feel like he had to go in after him?  And if they had so much gear on that they would sink quickly, like some had postulated, they would be trained in how to quickly get out of that gear.  It also doesn’t explain why they couldn’t be located since the locator beacon is also an integral part of their uniform.  Heck, as an old man, I could stay afloat for several hours with NO floatation device in any kind of seas even now and these guys spend, like I said, half their breathing hours in the water and are in the best shape of their lives!

So, I’m sorry.  I’m throwing the BS flag on this play.  Someone is lying to us about something.  This did NOT go down the way they said it did.  

Anybody care to argue with me over this?

And that’s all I’ve got for today my friends.  Time to call it a night.  I’ve still got a ton of stuff to do before I can call it a night.  My Love to you all.  May our God Bless you with Peace and Comfort until we meet again.

Another Whelpling special…but the others that I have are a bit of the same, so this may be the last header featuring strictly the Whelpling art for a bit…unless he suddenly dumps some more on me…or someone else would like THEIR artwork featured (HINT!  HINT!)  (I really can’t be any more subtle than that!!!) 

Anyway, more snow on the ground…and to think I used to really like this stuff. 

I got my Wednesday Jail Ministry stuff all set up and ready to go, but I still need to get my Thursday Ministry stuff ready, and I have a doctor’s appointment Monday afternoon where I hope to be able to unburden myself to my doctor about a few things.  I need to finish this up today (Saturday) and tomorrow so that it will be available to you guys on Monday otherwise you won’t get it until Thursday.  If I can get it ready fast enough, I can work on Thursday’s … and therein lies the problem.  I’m not having enough time to do all of this at the same time.  So, I’m thinking I’m going to have to realign my Dragon Laffs delivery schedule.  Here’s how it sits right now:

Monday   Work   Dragon Laffs Publish

Tuesday   Work   

Wednesday   Work   Jail Ministry

Thursday   Work   Thursday Ministry   Dragon Laffs Publish

Friday   Work

Saturday   Dragon Laffs Publish

Sunday   Church

And on those weekends where I have to work, it REALLY throws a wrench into things.  I had a meeting with my counselor the other day.  Yes, I still do that, not on any kind of regular basis.  Our deal is that if she feels like it’s been too long and calls me and “suggests” a meeting, I say yes and make a time work.  If Izzy says, “You need to talk to your counselor (I won’t use her name because I don’t have permission to use her name and that’s my rule, although anyone who works on base knows who I’m talking about) then I take Izzy seriously and strongly consider setting up a meeting.  If I think I need a meeting, I call her and she makes a spot for me within a day or three.  Usually the next day and even on that day.

Anyway, as I was saying, I had a meeting with my counselor the other day that I called, first one in a little while and I told her about things and she told me that she was concerned because I wasn’t taking any me time.  I told her, “What are you talking about?  I do all kinds of stuff.  I’m busy all the time.”  She said, “Yeah, helping other people.  You’ve got the Wednesday night thing, the Thursday night thing, the Grief Group on base two Wednesdays a month at lunch time, bible study the other two Wednesdays a month, you’ve got a couple people you are grief counseling individually, you are on the security team at the church…” I interrupted and said, “yeah, but that’s like an hour…”  she interrupted me back and said, “Don’t interrupted me.  But it still takes time away from you.  Sure, you are busy and fulfilled and I can tell by talking to you about it that it brings you satisfaction, but it brings you satisfaction by helping other people.  When do you allow other people to help you?”

“You are still waiting on this estate stuff for your brother to go through, you just got sued and that didn’t go well at all for you, you had to put so much of your own life on hold, including your own TEETH so you can’t even eat properly.  You’re holding all this together by the skin of your teeth, that you don’t have I might add…”

“Very funny.”  I threw in.

“So I’m asking you, when is it your turn?”

So I sat there and I thought about it.  I thought about it for a lot longer than I thought I would.  I’ll tell you what I told her in a minute, but I’ll be honest with you guys, cause you’re family and loved ones and there’s very few people that I can share things with like I can share with you…I’m STILL thinking about it.  I’m thinking about it a lot.  And what I think, that I didn’t tell her, but what I’ll share, a little bit with you, just between us girls…

What else have I got to do?  That’s also why haven’t really pushed too hard for my retirement yet.  I think I NEED a reason to get up in the morning or I’m not sure I would.  In my personal life I’m really pretty lonely.  Most of my emotional interactions are right here, on line, and delayed.

What I told her was a bit like that, not as in-depth.  I know, I didn’t really go in depth with you guys, but you should have seen what I wrote and deleted and wrote and deleted and wrote and … you get the idea. lol.

Okay, and I am beginning to realize this is turning into a whine and not an opening, so let’s get back to the topic at hand and that of realigning the publication….

I take Saturday and Sunday to work on Monday’s issue.
Monday and Tuesday night to work on Thursday’s issue.
That only leaves Friday night to work on Saturday’s issue.

I will also use the weekend to get Wednesday night and Thursday night’s classes ready.

I don’t see as how I can do any better than that.  So…we’ll let it go for now and see how it plays out.  It was easier when Lethal Leprechaun was around.  We split the duties.  I had Saturday, he had Wednesday and we would throw out an occasional special issue here and there and it all worked out.

So enough of this verbal wondering in circles., let’s get to the other stuff.

I know, you are probably already tired of listening to me, but I wanted to share something with you before I forgot the math. 

Yes, we are going to talk about math.

So, Sasquatch sent me a link to a twitter … sorry … X (that’s so stupid and we’ll get to that rant another time) feed called “something to think about going all electric” and the guy on the video does some fast math and I don’t trust anyone else’s math, so I looked up the figures and did some of my own.  Follow along with me:

The average house (I used Indiana since that is where I live and it also happened to be the highest of the examples that were given) uses approximately 1.4 kilowatts of electricity per hour to run.  That is an average over a whole year.  Of course there are going to be times it’s higher and times it’s going to be lower.  The AVERAGE is 1.4 kW

The new super fast car chargers can charge up to 350 kilowatts per hour.  Now that’s not saying all the cars can handle charges that fast, but looking on line I found a few that can…the new modern economical ones can, so let’s give them the absolute benefit of the doubt.  The very BEST that I found was that one of the cars could go from a 10% charge to an 80% charge in 18 minutes.  Now, before anyone gets on me about how batteries don’t charge evenly across time, I know that, but we’re talking averages here.  By the math, that would take a battery about 25 minutes from completely empty to completely full.

So, in that 25 minutes that’s it’s going to take to charge that car, it’s going to use about 147 kw.  Which means, in that same time period, we could run 222 houses in Indiana (for that 25 minutes) or, 105 houses for an hour, or one house for one family for 105 hours or 4 days and 9 hours.  How many miles are you going to get on that full charge?  Oh…and how many charging stations are normally going at the same time?  In the video that I saw there were six.  And the example he used was much more pessimistic than my numbers. So let’s see 6 stations, that’s 630 hours per really great vehicle, longer for most of the other vehicles, that’s now almost a month worth of electricity for one lucky family just for 25 minutes at the charging station.

And we can’t keep the lights on in some states NOW.  What are we going to do when the idiots tell us that’s the ONLY kind of vehicle we are ALLOWED to have?

When are we going to stop letting the morons run the country?

Okay, I’m done.

Okay, Ted sent in this, as he put it, “Interesting Article” and I agree.  It is an interesting article.

The gripping true story behind Masters of the Air, the new Band of Brothers show starring Barry Keoghan

Sadly, I can’t cut and paste it right here, I have to give you a link to it, so here’s the link, click on it and read.  It is a good article.  Especially if you have Apple TV+ and if you enjoyed the old HBO classic Band of Brothers https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/the-gripping-true-story-behind-masters-of-the-air-the-new-band-of-brothers-show-starring-barry-keoghan/ar-BB1gYQPs?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=866e6fb75b314de1d2967c4662f62864&ei=5

Some of you youngsters probably won’t get that one.

I wanted so much to be able to just have this next one play for you guys, but it wouldn’t work.  You have to click on the link because it’s a Facebook reels video.  But it is well worth it.  Thanks Ted for sharing this one with us.  It is excellent.https://www.facebook.com/reel/1245574433498208

https://www.facebook.com/reelhttps://www.facebook.com/reel/1245574433498208/1245574433498208

Remember the nursey rhyme about little fuzzy wuzzy?  There’s one about little scaley waley too.

And that’s gonna be with about 5 minutes of commercials.

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session but here we are.

I was laying in bed last night. 
My wife said, “Honey, make me scream with one finger.”
So I poked her in the eye.

A good woman is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her in the first place.

Look for it…you’ll see it eventually.

And you think your high school year book pictures were weird

As I fold my third load of laundry, I contemplate becoming a nudist.

Then I remember what I look like naked, and keep folding.

And that EXACTLY describes the problem

The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said, “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played sasshole, well played.

There are so many great lines…

Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner.  It’s going to save you money on Christmas gifts. 

Follow me for more holiday tips.

And now into 2024

I’m not a 10. 
I’m more like two 5s held together by mashed potatoes.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

It doesn’t.  And it also doesn’t say to bring in millions of illegal aliens to stuff the ballot box.

So basically, the people who claimed Trump would crash the economy and start World War III have crashed the economy and started World War III.

In 2018 Democrats shutdown the government and stopped Trump from getting $5 billion to build the wall.

This year, New York City is spending $10 billion to house illegal aliens…people who broke the law and are continuing to break the law to be here.

And that’s just one city in one year.

Y’all some kind or special stupid.

And you realize…it’s OUR money they are spending, right?  RIGHT?

I’m pretty sure I used that one already.

But do you know why Boeing is having such problems?  Because they are more concerned with equity hiring than they are with professional hiring.  That’s right.  Right now, the executives at Boeing have 40% of their pay based on whether they hit their diversity hiring goals.  It doesn’t matter if these people can do the JOB.  Just how much pigment they have in their skin, whether they are attracted to the same sex as they are or the opposite sex, whether they feel they were born the wrong gender, or some other non-sensical stupidity that matters not a whit as to whether they can build and maintain a safe and reliable aircraft that you and I trust ourselves and our families to travel in.  And yes, that is worthy of another Dragon Rant, but I’m about ranted out at this point.  

I heard another tidbit of information that has got my steam rising about “climate change”. (notice the quotes.  They are there for a reason)  I don’t have the time, but one of you fact checkers out there could track down the veracity of this for me I would be grateful.  I heard that the percentage CO2 in our atmosphere that all these alarmists are so upset about is 0.03%.  They are upset, and say that the CO2 emissions have caused the CO2 in our atmosphere to go up by 50% is technically true, but so factually dishonest that it makes me want to track them down and breath fire on them.  They are never quoting real numbers to you because they are technically correct.  The CO2 levels did go up by 50%.  From 0.02% to 0.03%.  Oh golly gee!  You know, just off the top of my head, there might be a bit more CO2 around because we breath in oxygen and breath out CO2 and trees take in CO2 and create oxygen.  There are more people now than there used to be and because we keep cutting down trees and not replacing them, there’s obviously going to be more CO2.  I’ll bet, if you look, over the same time period, there has been an ever so slight decrease in the oxygen level.  I’ll go back to the earlier statement of “Y’all some kind of special stupid!!”

Now, if all this turns out that I had my facts wrong, I’m going to be quite the red-faced dragon.

Only the weakest of males want to physically compete with women.

Only the weakest of intellect celebrate them.

HOW INFURIATING!!! 

I got two comments from Leah on Saturday’s issue.  One I’m going to post here and the other I’m going to respond to in my Last Word since the other was in  reference to Saturday’s Last Word.  This one first, that I absolutely LOVED!

As you travel from PooPoo, Washington headed to PeePee Point, make sure to go through Slickpoo, Idaho! See What Cheer, Iowa, and dont miss Hell, Michigan and Satan’s Kingdom, Vermont.
So many weird town names: Hot Coffee, Mississippi
Tightwad, Missouri; Ding Dong, Texas; Difficult, Tennessee; Intercourse, Pennsylvania
.right next to Blue Ball; Bumpass, Virginia; Knockenstiff, Ohio
See Why, Arizona; Whynot, North Carolina; Humptulips, Washington; Candy Kitchen and Pie Town, New Mexico; Zigzag, Oregon; Pray, Montana and Loveladies, New Jersey; and No Name, Colorado.

Okay, I grew up in New Jersey and have NEVER heard of Loveladies.  And once I looked it up, I understood why.  And I laughed and laughed.  Loveladies is not a city, it is a place inside a city.  Well, it’s actually several places inside a city, the city of Long Beach, which I know VERY well.  Lots of parties and lots of surfing and … well … let’s say that a lot of my misspent youth was misspent on Long Beach.  Anyway, there is a Loveladies Harbor, a Loveladies Cove, and a Loveladies Lane.  I’m sure I’ve been to at least two of those and possibly all three.  Thank you Leah for bringing back some wonderful memories, making me laugh, and wondering what the individuals in the memories are doing today…okay…the girls…wondering what the girls are doing today.  And yes, I will still continue to think of them as girls.  

Next topic!

I will admit, it took longer than I am comfortable with for that burger to appear.

There is a great video floating around the internet of this guy going up and down the street, snow blowing the sidewalk in front of everybody’s house in the neighborhood.  That is a FANTASTIC attitude!

Some of these have been around for a while, some are new and original.  Most all of them are funny.

Points to Ponder

• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t.  
  • That must be frustrating.
• Still trying to get my head around the fact that …
  • ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing … 
  • So, I’m probably just one strong cough away from complete paralysis.
• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers …
  • If you do find one, what’s your plan?
• The older I get, the more I understand …
  • Why roosters scream to start their day.
• Being popular on Facebook is like …
  • Sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
• How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when … 
  • The rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and … 
  • The turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives over 200 years.
  • So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!
• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon. 
• When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.  
  • He said, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise.  
  • But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life …
  • Has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced …
  • So that stupid people won’t be offended.
• When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” …
  • That’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns …
  • They would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages … 
  • Metamucil and Ensure.
• Weight loss goal: 
  • To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• After watching how some people wore their masks, 
  • I understand why contraception fails.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. 
  • Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version …
  • It doesn’t listen to anything.
• I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad,’ 
  • And I know darn well that Dad has no idea what’s inside.
• Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…
  • Next week …Turn Signals.
• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”  
  • I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• The pessimist complains about the wind.  
  • The optimist expects it to change.  
  • The realist adjusts his sails.
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. 
  • Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
• Reading gives us someplace to go …
  • When we have to stay where we are.
• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
• Exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. 
  • I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.

I must not be the average human body.  Takes like 5 for me.  

Thanks to Ted for this next one.

I love this next one!!!

You’ll have
Good Days,
Bad Days,
Overwhelming Days,
Too Tired Days,
I’m Awesome Days,
I Can’t Go On Days.
And Every Day You’ll
Still Show Up.

I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspaper…

The Times are rough

The 3 stages of life:
Wanting stuff
Accumulating stuff
Getting rid of stuff

I’m on stage 3

I KNOW THAT FEELING WELL!!!!

We all know where the big apple is, but does anyone know where the …

Minneapolis. 

A man gets pulled over for speeding!!

As the cop approaches the car, the man asks if he can get out of the car and the cop says okay.  The cop then asks the man why he was speeding.

The man says, “You see the woman sitting in the passenger side front seat?  That’s my wife!  You see the woman sitting in the back seat?  That’s my mother-in-law!  And she has been living with us for three months now and this morning they had a big fight and my mother-in-law insisted we take her home and I’m trying to get her there as quickly as possible before they make up and she wants to come back home with us!!!”

The cop looks at the man and says, “Get back in your car and I will give you a police escort with lights and siren and we will get her home!!”

Without making any statement other than the following picture…

I go to work,
I make my coworkers wonder what is wrong with me, 
and then I clock out.

I got this comment from Leah on my Last Word from Saturday which you may remember was my essay on my epiphany on why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  In hindsight, maybe the title wasn’t the best.  Here’s her comment.  I feel fine putting it here because the comment section is open to anyone who wants to click on it and read it.  

Lots of nice comments about the last issue and the Whelplings artwork.  Thanks very much.  This episode is going to be even quicker than the last one.  I’ve had a very…um…full week.  I finished up Thursday’s issue on Tuesday, then spent all day on Wednesday either at work or at the jail with my ministry, which is going really well.  Then on Thursday, I was at work and at Thursday night ministry at the church, which is also going really well.  And in the meantime, the spirit is causing me to write…pushing me to make points to, well, to be honest, to myself and to other people.  I got hit with the same theme like five times this week and then I read Matthew 7 in the middle of my normal bible study and had to stop in the middle of it to call up a blank page and start writing.  A little later on I’ll let you read it.  In the mean time, let’s get started laughing or you guys won’t have anything at all to read tomorrow morning.

“Dad, who built the Suez Canal?”

“I don’t know, son.”

“Dad, who discovered penicillin?”

“I’ve no idea, son.”

“Dad, what’s the capital of Italy?”

“I ain’t got a clue, son.”

“Dad, you don’t mind me asking all these questions do you?”

“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask, you won’t learn anything.”

First golfer:  “What was your score?”

Beginner: “Seventy-two.  It’s not too bad, I guess, but I hope I’ll do better on the second hole.”

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, “Doc, I’m really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture.

“The psychiatrist said, “Well I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?”

Doug said, “Her driver’s license.”

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“No,” another contended.  “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted.  “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”

Marty Feldman  (1934-1982)

United Kingdom Law

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”

It was the night of the worst blizzard of the year. The streets were filled with drifting snow, and the winds were howling fiercely. A man, covered with snow and frost, enters a bakery.

He says to the baker, “I’ll have one roll.” The baker wraps the one roll and asks if there’s anything else he can get him.

“No, that’s it,” says the man, “just one roll.”

The baker says, “You came out on the worst night of the year to buy just one roll?”

The man says, “Yes, for just one roll.”

The baker asks, “Are you married?”

The man says, “Of course I am. Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row… 

Psychiatrist: Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible. 

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end…

How many times do we have to see a crowd of defenseless people die before we realize being defenseless isn’t the answer?

TREASON

You don’t steal an election, give money and weapons to the Taliban, destroy your military, destroy the food supply, destroy energy and gas, disassemble your border and encourage an invasion of your own country and it NOT be a TREASONOUS act against your own country and people.

ONLY an IDIOT would cut off oil from an ALLY and buy it from an ENEMY who CALLS FOR YOUR DEATH at their morning Prayers.

HEAVEN has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy.  HELL has open borders.  Let that sink in.

That is adorable!!!

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse’s trainer.

The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn’t win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack! So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

 Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says “Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk”!

MAN RULES

• Men are NOT mind readers. 
• Learn to work the toilet seat.
  • You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. 
  • We need it up, you need it down.
  • You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down
• Sunday sports:  
  • It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
  • Let it be.
• Crying is blackmail
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: 
  • Subtle hints do not work!
  • Strong hints do not work!
  • Obvious hints do not work! 
  • Just say it!
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  
  • That’s what we do.
  • Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
  • In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
• If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both..
  • If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials… 
• Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
  • Peach, is a fruit, not A color.  
  • Pumpkin is also a fruit.  
  • We have no idea what mauve is.
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. 
  • We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really . 
• Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
• You have enough clothes.  You have too many shoes.
• I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!
• Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; 
  • But did you know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.

I write down everything I want to remember.

That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.

10.Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

When Steph was about five she and I were headed to McDonald’s one day. 

On the way we passed a terrible car accident. 

Usually when we see something like that, we would say a prayer for those who might be hurt. 

So I pointed to the accident and said, “We should pray.”

From the back seat I heard her heartfelt prayer:  “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

See Stephanie, I remember, even all the way back to when we were little and growing up together!

Practice Safe Fax

Q.  Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A.  Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q.  How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A.  Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q.  My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo’s to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A.  Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q.  If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A.  Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q.  There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A.  Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their needs become too great.

Q.  Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A.  Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q.  What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A.  Don’t panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q.  I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A.  Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

Q.  Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A.  No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q.  There is a man I’d very much like to fax (I’ve tried several times) but he can’t seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A.  You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens.

The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.

“This looks great,” said the young doctor. “I just can’t figure out how you’re able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.”

“It’s just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic,” replied the older medico. “For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.

My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic.”

“But that doesn’t explain this fine house and all this land,” said the younger man.

The elder doc replied, “That’s where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don’t look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them.”

He continued, “I’ll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that’s just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they’re looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working.”

“Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!”

Sir Laurie Blodgett, Professor of Sexual Physiology at Oxford, was lecturing his class: “And so, gentlemen, as you can see through a consideration of the anatomical possibilities, there are precisely seventy-six distinct positions possible in the sex act. If we classify these positions –“

At this point, however, a deferential French student rose in the back of the classroom and said, “Monsieur le Professeur, I am sorry to be forced to interrupt you, but there are, actually, seventy-seven distinct positions possible.”

Professor Blodgett regarded the French student with a frown. “My dear young man,” he said, “my statement reflects long and serious research in the field by many of the most highly respected authorities, men of age and experience. We are ignoring mirror images and trivial variations, of course”

“Of course, Monsieur le Professeur. But I too, speak with knowledge. The fact is that I, myself — I who am speaking to you at this moment — can personally, of my own experience, vouch for the existence of seventy-seven.”

“Well,” said Professor Blodgett, “in a dispute such as this there is an easy way of settling the matter. I will carefully describe the seventy-six distinct positions, and when I am done I will ask you to describe a seventy-seventh, different from all the rest. The remaining students in the class will, I trust, keep careful count and judge between us.”

“Begin, Monsieur,” said the Frenchman.

“I will,” said the professor. “We will start with the prime-basic, or common, position: woman horizontal-dorsal, man horizontal-ventral, parallel in line and direction through a vertical axis of symmetry –“

“Sacrebleu,” cried the Frenchman, “seventy-eight!”

So, and lest you thought I forgot, this is the perfect spot and time to copy the short essay that I wrote the other night through prompting of the Holy Spirit.  It is quite self-explanatory.  I hope you enjoy.

Andddddddd another example of the Whelpling’s artwork!  This is an earlier version of me.  I like it, too.  Not as much as the newer versions, but it’s still outstanding.  I still want to publicly thank him for his efforts so far, of which, I am incredibly proud.  I got some good feedback on the last one, how do you guys like THIS one?  Let me know.

Anyway, not a lot going on right now.  I’m keeping myself busy.  Depressed today and I don’t know why.  So, we push it off to the side, pull up our big girl panties, and move along.  

So, let’s get right to the fun stuff so that we’re all moving along in the direction that we all want to be moving in.

And staring at you the whole way.

This is actually based on a true case study.  It didn’t work out anywhere at ALL like this joke does, but there was a an experiment.  

How To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures…

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.

2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

Here’s another oldie, but this is the first time I’ve seen an explanation to go along with it.

And we had one in our house when I was growing up.  In fact, it looked almost identical to that one.  I think it had a bubble like effect to the glass so that it was all bumpy.

Tag!  You’re it!

Joe and I were talking about knowledge we gained while in the military and he sent me this email…

Between the Navy, Air Force and a college course in Human Biology, I’ve learned a lot of medical stuff. For example, If you took all the veins, arteries and capillaries from a man’s body and laid them end to end in a straight line…..

That man would die!

This one is a LOT of fun!

While my wife was shopping in the mall with our three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. 

“Do you think Daddy would like this?” she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. 

“No way,” my horrified six-year-old son replied. “Daddy would NEVER wear that!” 

Oh for me, that’s EASY…

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

12 things you need to understand

1. When you’re winning, keep your mouth shut
2. Never expect to get what you give, not everyone has a heart of flesh
3. Don’t tell people your plans, wait until the results speak for themselves
4. Every day you wake up you have a new job, to be better than yesterday
5. You will never get what you want until you are grateful for what you have
6. Sometimes what you are trying to hold on to is exactly what you should let go
7. If you want to buy things without looking at the price work without looking at the clock
8. God puts people in your life for a reason and removes them for a better reason
9. The devil wouldn’t be attacking you so hard if there wasn’t something valuable in you. Thieves don’t break into empty houses
10. You’re going to piss a lot of people off when you start doing what’s best for you
11. You will lose a lot of friends when you get really serious about your life goals
12. Life does not get easier you just get stronger

Q:  What medicine do you give to someone who keeps buying sailboats? 

A:  Antibuyyachtics!

By the end of Joe Biden’s single 4 year term 15% of America’s TOTAL population will be CRIMINAL ILLEGAL ALIENS!

I hate when guys ask, “Can you cook?”

I don’t know, can you build a house?

There is a species of water beetle that regularly gets swallowed whole by frogs.  And while there’s a lot of things you can do to keep from being eaten, once you’re inside a frog, your options are severely limited.  Generally you get digested.  But this particular species of beetle said, “you know, I bet there’s another way.”  And it started walking.  In fact, it walked through the frog’s digestive tract and out the back end.  

This is 100% true, you can look it up.  19 out of 20 of these beetles will simply walk out of the frog, unharmed.  It usually takes them about an hour, although one beetle speed-ran the frog in five minutes, which I’m sure was very exciting for the frog.

The moral of this story, if there is one, is that no matter how dark the situation, there is always a way through.  And there’s always a light at the end of the frog.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d come in 4th, so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

I discovered that answered the door naked helps deter trick or treater’s.  Oh, here we go again.  Here’s two dressed as policemen…

And that’s it my friends.  May you all be blessed by God with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.

I’m so proud!  What you see, in the above header, was created by none-other than my son, the Whelpling!  He is playing with an AI program that he uses and wanted to make me my own Impish Dragon instead of using other peoples version and this is what he came up with after a little bit of work this morning bouncing ideas back and forth.  I think it’s pretty good.  Now, that’s not to say that I’m not willing to entertain other ideas…any of you other budding artists out there think you have what it takes to draw me?  

I know what you are all thinking.  Why not just take a picture of me and be done with it?  The problem is that I just don’t have time to be posing for all the different situations where I find myself needing to be for headers for the ezine and advertisements for the company and product endorsements and movie industry … no wait…I can’t talk about that one.  Anyway, it’s just so much easier to have a … shall we say, cartoon mascot for the ezine.  And I think that the Whelpling did a GREAT job…but maybe it’s not quite there yet.  And maybe it is.  What do you guys think?  

But for now…

I agree…so much I agree!

That is so adorable.  The look on the baby’s face is so precious!

All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors

– Anon

Okay, I’m not ready for ANY of those yet!

This one is from our buddy Joe from NJ…and I agree with him.

One of my all time favorites!

________________

Rick and Ron in a bar…

One says “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”

“Wooo, what the heck happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he …”

“Hold on now, just how the heck did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my freaking house.”

I agree!  Great one!  Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse!

Like any good cartoon, it’s the little things that matter…like the picture on the wall behind them…

A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner.

One afternoon a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. “How about some nice seashells?” she asked. “No, thank you,” the man replied.

Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement, “What’s wrong?” asked the man. “I’m going fast,” the old woman wheezed. “Please buy some shells.”

Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut.

The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.

“Hey,” he yelled to a nearby police officer, “I thought she passed away yesterday.”

The officer smiled knowingly. “Ah, but you were conned,” he said “You see, she sells seashells by the seizure.

Okay, so that’s me in the passenger seat and Izzy driving.  And it could just as easily have been me saying, “You just ran over that man!!” and then her, “Well, he shouldn’t have been standing there!!!” and me again, “You’re driving on the sidewalk!!”  And I just read this to her and she didn’t appreciate my humor at all.  But, a true artist is never appreciated in his own time.

Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change:

1. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.
2. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.
3. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.
4. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.
5. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, “I’m sorry, I dont do autopsies.”
6. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with “Dear Weenie…”.
7. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box: “ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)”.
8. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to “chew the fat”.
9. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.
10. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which looks very similar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.
11. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.

When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation.

To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

The CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention so he asked one of his top employees, Goldberg, to write a punchy, 20 minute speech for him.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. “What’s the idea of writing me an hour long speech?!” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I was finished.”

Goldberg was baffled. “I wrote you a 20 minute speech,” he replied. I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: “Is my wife planning to murder me?” Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.

1. She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!
2. She always says things like “If you died, would you want me to remarry?”: Yeah, it’s over for you.
3. She has a large collection of Stanley tumblers that are heavy and sturdy and would make a great blunt weapon: Have you seen the size of those things?
4. Her Amazon wish list includes hydrofluoric acid and large plastic barrels: We both know what those are for.
5. She keeps encouraging you to get the COVID-19 vaccine: Those things kill.
6. She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car: “Just to see how much cargo space it has,” she says.
7. She has an oddly specific fitness goal of being able to deadlift exactly your body weight: Why would she need to only lift that much?
8. She planned a romantic date to that old abandoned mine on the outskirts of town: “It’ll be great. There won’t be anyone else around.”
9. She books you a window seat ticket on Alaska Airlines: Even though she knows you prefer the aisle.
10. She’s currently sharpening an axe on the kitchen counter: Run!

While none of the items listed above is a guarantee she’s trying to kill you, the odds are not in your favor. Keep your eyes peeled, chief.

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. 

When the postal authorities received the letter to ‘God, USA’ they decided to send the letter to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read: 

Dear God, 

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington DC and, as usual, those guys deducted $95.00. 

A rich American tourist was vacationing in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot’s ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear…

“I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here.”

Well, I meant to get to this earlier, but better late than never.  This comment is from Saturday’s issue..

Maybe this will help…This is also Michelangelo…

And the Bowery Boys reference had to do with one of the characters always using the wrong idiom or word at the wrong time, just like the joke did….like irregardless and stuff.  It was a very old TV show that us older folks watched when we were kids… in fact … Kris says…

He noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

 I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,

your son,

Josh

 P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

I’ve often wondered what people have against the horse I rode in on.

A man was telling his buddy over coffee, “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”

“Holy Smokes”, replied the friend, “She actually said that?”

The father replied, “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that. I’m paraphrasing a little.  “What she actually said was, Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Biden’s 2024 re-election campaign.”

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.

Some best friends have matching tattoos, but me and my bestie have matching mental issues.

And that is it my friends.  Until next time.