It’s Friday!  Well, it’s Saturday for you, but for me, right now, it’s Friday!  And because it’s a holiday on Monday, today is a “Family Day” and it’s a Liberal Leave day, which means that we can take leave and not worry too much about staffing in our offices.  Which is a good thing because my deputy…the only other guy in my office right now because we’re STILL trying to get the third position hired (don’t let me get on THAT soap box!!!) is away on the “dark side” right now.  So, it’s just me in the office.  So I took the day off!

Yay!

And Izzy Dragon immediately filled my day up!

After I had it all neatly planned out.  Spend the day with you guys and writing and relaxing…sigh.

But now I’m still going to do some of that.  But it seems I’m also going to go to the hospital to get blood work done for both of us, which means I’m now fasting.  I’m also taking her out to breakfast/lunch immediately afterward because … you know … fasting.  And possibly lunch because that young dragon will never get up early.  And I’m taking her shopping.  And I’m taking her to her counseling appointment.  And then I can get back to what I had planned.  About 6 this evening.  It’s such a good thing I love that kid.

Anyway, let’s jump in and start with some laughter and we’ll get to other stuff as we go along.

Just please don’t tell me it’s outside of a school or a library or something like that.

Maybe some letter separation or a different font?

I think maybe they’re asking for a lot here…

So, Stephen B. sent me this email, and I followed the link and it says pretty much what he has in the email.  The only thing that I wish to add is that it just goes to prove that the our country is going crazy.  It plays right into the essay (article? pamphlet? book? sermon? movie?) that I am writing (more about that later).  We are becoming such a stupid country.

Apparently this happened in 2019….

https://www.iwf.org/2019/10/03/urinals-banned-as-sexist/

Has the time come to stand up for the urinal?

Portland, Oregon is spending $195,000 to replace urinals with something more gender-neutral in remodeling the Portland Building. This is just for the replacements, and doesn’t include the cost of the work.

A local TV station reports:

In an email to employees last February, Chief Administrative Officer Tom Rinehart wrote:

“We will continue to have gender-specific (male and female) multi-stall restrooms that are readily available to any employee that prefers to use one. But, there will be no urinals in any restroom in the building. This will give us the flexibility we need for any future changes in signage.”

The city has redesigned all the bathrooms to be gender neutral– which means urinals are banned even in the men’s room.

If you think that Portland is going to a lot of expense and trouble to rid the building of urinals, the report helpfully points out that urinals are “a big deal when it comes to those who are transgender or gender fluid.”

Talk show host Lars Larson is standing up for the urinal:

“I think it’s ridiculous. First of all I know that it already makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Secondly, it’s gonna take up a lot more space and third- anyone whose ever been to any public event – have you seen the line at the ladies room? Do you see any line at the men’s room?”

Lars also claims that urinals use less water than toilets.

But the city administration stands behind the new arrangement:

The Chief Administrative Officer Tom Rinehart wrote to employees:

“I am convinced that this is the right way to ensure success as your employer, remove arbitrary barriers in our community, and provide leadership that is reflective of our shared values.”

The TV station reports that the Portland Building’s 1st, 3rd and 15th floors will have “large multi-stall bathrooms that men and women will use together.”

Some floors will have separate men’s and women’s bathrooms, while every floor will have at least one “any gender” bathroom.

I can see this being quite confusing if you’re in a hurry and forget which is which.

If I lived in the separate country of Portland and they were spending MY tax dollars on something as asinine as this, I’d be a little upset.  Thanks Steve for sending this our way.

True Love

Boyfriend: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Robert. I don’t have a mansion like Gary. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.”

Girlfriend: “Oh dear, I love you too… what was that you said about Martin?”

This was sent to me a couple different times under the heading of “Riddle”.  It annoyed me to NO END.

There are 30 cows in the field, 28 chickens. How many didn’t?

How many didn’t what?  It’s stupid, right?

I’m sure a bunch of you got sent this as well, right?  By a show of hands, how many of you got sent this supposed riddle?

Okay, now.  How many of you were able to figure out this stupid thing?

Oh…

That many, huh…

Wait!  How many were able to figure it out, WITHOUT going on line and searching or having someone else tell you the answer or something like that?!  Be honest!

Yeah.  That’s more like it.

I had to google it.  Then got mad when I found out the answer.

Stupid riddle.

WE ARE DOOMED.

Another one sent to me that is just cool

What the heck?

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. 

Billy Crystal (1948-)

I couldn’t possibly find enough stupidity memes to satisfy my utter contempt and disbelief for that last … whatever it was.  Coffee is racist.  Oh     my     heavens!  I have to let this go…

Father says to his son 

You are mature enough now. I allow you to start smoking if you want to.

Thanks dad, but I quit two years ago.

I think I dated this guy’s sister once.  Oh, come on!  She was cute!

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Mandy, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: “Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.” 

“Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear” 

“Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?” 

“Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.” 

“That’s right. Over and out.” 

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. “Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.” 

“Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.” 

“OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?” 

“Yes, when we’ve landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.” 

“That’s right, Pig 2. Over and out.” 

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again. “Houston here, Mandy, come in. Mandy do you read us?” 

“Mandy here, reading you loud and clear.” 

“Mandy, do you remember your instructions?” 

“Yes,” Mandy says, “I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off the buttons.” 

Wow!  Classic power struggle!  Somebody PLEASE, just pay the check!

I never noticed before how the reflection is so different.

Um…I have questions?

Anyway, you guys remember this picture?

I had made the comment that I thought it was cool and wondered where and what it was at.  CJ wrote back and told me it was a mora plant.  When it translates to English…are you ready for this…it’s a blackberry or mulberry fruit!  Yeah, not in MY backyard!  LOL! That’s not at all really what it is, though.  Just what the word translates to.  From Wikipedia:

Mora is a genus of large trees in the subfamily Caesalpinioideae^[2] of the legume family Fabaceae, (or in some classifications the family Caesalpinaceae of the order Fabales).

There are six species, all native to lowland rainforests in northern South America, southern Central America, the southern Caribbean islands, and Hispaniola.^[1] These are large, heavily buttressed rainforest trees up to 130 feet (40 meters) in height (to 190 feet (58 meters) in the case of M. excelsa ).^[3] The genus is particularly noteworthy for the exceptional size of its beans, which are commonly acknowledged to be the largest known dicot seeds, in the instance of M. oleifera being up to seven inches (18 cm) in length, six inches (15 cm) in breadth and three inches (7.6 cm)in thickness,^[4][5] and a weight of up to 2.2 pounds (1,000 grams).^[6] These very large beans develop out of tiny flowers with a pistel only one millimeter wide ^[7] involving a growth of over 2,000,000 fold. The beans of Mora spp. are edible if boiled, and are also the source of a red dyestuff.^[8] The species M. excelsa is one of the few rainforest trees to grow in pure stands.^[9]

Some of the species are important for timber production. Mora excelsa and Mora gonggrijpii are also known as nato, and are commonly used in guitar body and neck construction.

When a church changes their values to match current culture, they’re no longer following the Bible, they’re following the lost.

Why should we want to laugh at the natives and why shouldn’t we laugh at the natives?

That’s pretty specific.  Is there a reason or is it purely sarcasm?

“You heard me!  Just no!”

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside: The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” 

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” 

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” 

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.” 

Well, it’s not surprising when you realize it’s CNN.

Got a really nice comment from Evan to share with you guys…

That’s a pretty good point, actually.

SUNDAY SCHOOL STUDENT BLOOPERS 

FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT 


In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree. 

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. 

Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears. 

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. 

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. 

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles. 

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. 

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. 

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. 

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. 

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him 

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times. 

Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 


FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT 

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. 

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. 

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before- they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.” 

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. 

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. 

The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. 

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 

I laughed SO hard!

Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer 


10. You have to pedal it. 

9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud “burp” follows. 

8. Lower corner of the screen has the words “Etch a Sketch” on it. 

7. The manual contains one sentence: “Good Luck!” 

6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito. 

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.

4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk. 

3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board. 

2. There’s a “AA Batteries Not Included” sticker on the front.

And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer…

1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur. 

What a day!  When I last left you, it was like 1130 in the morning, it is now going on 10 at night!  I did end up taking Izzy dragon to all the places I told you I was going to take her and in the midst of all that, it started to snow

and snow

and snow.

Not real heavy or anything, but just continuous.  And the roads froze over.  And people have no idea how to drive on slick roads.  We finally got done with everything around 5:15 and what would normally have been about a 30 minute drive home took almost 3 times that.  There were about a dozen slide offs that we saw and one really gnarly wreck with an inverted car that really slowed down and backed up traffic for miles and miles on the highway.  And sure enough we didn’t see the backup until after we had passed the last exit before the backup.  Izzy pointed out one really weird fact, with the exception of one vehicle, all the other vehicles involved in all the slide offs and wrecks were all white.  It was so weird.  But the highway was an ice rink.  All I kept doing all the way home was praying and talking to God.  But, He got us home safe and sound.

Then we had to take the dogs out and they were just plain stupid, that took another half hour just to get them out, fed, clean up the snow that they tracked in, all that nonsense.

Then I get ready to sit down to finish Dragon Laffs with you guys and what happens?  The Holy Spirit says, “Hey, I been thinking about that article and I think we oughta…” 

And Impish replies, “Sure, sure.  Let me just finish what I’m working on over here.”

The Spirit says, “Yeah, yeah, no problem.  But hear me out for a sec.  If you change the paragraph that says…”

And then he wouldn’t quit.

Two hours plus later and I’m finally getting back to you guys.  So, let’s be…

That one cracks me up, especially with what we know about Boeing’s hiring practices.

I keep reading this stupid stuff and I keep thinking, “this has to be satire, right?  … right?”

Okay, that’s it for this issue, because that’s almost all I have under the Political folder.  I’m sending out an urgent request campers… I need political memes and jokes and cartoons and funnies!  HELP!

This is an old joke, but still quite good and perhaps, very timely as well.

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. 

One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East.

To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: “Once my people were many, now we are few.”

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, “That’s ’cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet.”

I wish, at this time, to make a Dragon Laffs Public Apology.  It has come to my attention that a term that I have been using, to whit, “TOWEL HEADS” is not only politically incorrect but also insensitive.  And since we all need to be more sensitive in the use of our words and I have been informed that the scum sucking Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us all, do not like to be called “TOWEL HEADS” and since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, more closely reminiscent of a small folded sheet.  Therefore, from this point forward, I am, and I am highly encouraging you to also, referring to them as “LITTLE SHEET HEADS”.  Thank you so very much for your support and acceptance of my apology in this hugely humbling matter.

Taco Bell will do that to  you.

Doctor: “Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.”

Man: “Exactly what’s my problem, doc?”

Doctor: “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Kansas Law

It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.

President George W. and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old Town Square in Prague.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”

The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”

Bush says, “We’re planning WW III.”

The guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.”

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?”

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis.”

Holy cow!  Someone put his back half on upside down!

The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services.

About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.

Mike was apologetic. “I’m collecting for the roof, Father,” he said. “Every one of the neighbors I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription.”

The priest was shocked. “Are there no teetotalers in the parish, Mike?”

“Oh, yes, to be sure,” said Mike. ” I’ve written to them.”

Boy, “roughing it” sure doesn’t mean what it used to.

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.” 

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?” 

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!” 

After a very long day of listening to a visiting businessman from Texas brag about his state a New Yorker decided to show the guy the Empire State Building.

When the Texan then put down New York’s well-known landmark by saying “Heck, that’s nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!”

The New Yorker responded with, “Well you no doubt need them!”

More proof that some people have more money then sense.

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector.

Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

“You’ve been on for five miles–that’ll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase.”

The Scotsman responds, “I ha’not, I want a ha’penny fare, just got on this vera moment.”

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman’s suitcase and hurls it out of the bus.

It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, “Not only are ye tryin’ to overcharge me for the ticket–but now ye’ve gone an’ drowned me boy Angus!”

Sigh!  I repeat my earlier statement.

Anyway dear friends, that’s it for this one.  Didn’t get to everything I wanted to get to, but with a little luck and a fair wind, we’ll see to it this weekend.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.

Okay, so here’s the deal.  It’s Tuesday and my week is already spiraling out of control.  It’s late already today and I have to work, of course, I have jail ministry tomorrow night and Bible Study on Thursday night and I can’t see how this is going to get done by tomorrow night for you guys to get it by Thursday morning.  So, what I am going to do is get as much fluff out tonight in the next hour or so so you have something for Thursday morning and then have a regular issue on Saturday.  

Someone mentioned that they are looking forward to reading my essay…well, see, that’s part of the problem.  The Holy Spirit won’t leave me alone.  I’m now on like the 4th draft.  I never do four drafts.  By this time I’m polishing and posting somewhere or getting ready to send it to a publisher or something.  But, I sent the first draft to my Pastor and he suggested a scripture.  A …. scripture…. which pushed me to the next draft and then we had a phone call the next night and he suggested a book.  I told him there wasn’t a book there.  And the Spirit said, “hold my coffee and watch this!”  And that’s where the third and fourth draft has come from.  And today, I thought I was done.  

Sitting here writing to you guys ABOUT the piece is making me THINK about the piece and I’m coming up with other points I want to MAKE IN the piece and I know there is at least a fifth draft… so now I’m at least up to …what?  A pamphlet?  A booklet?  Instruction guide, handbook.  I DON’T KNOW. 

But it has been occupying a lot of my time.  And I’m really sorry.  I don’t mean to take time away from you guys, but I can’t help it.  But for now, 

Stephen B. sent this one in.  I agree with him.  I didn’t watch much of the Super bowl either.

I did not think much of the super bowl commercials but the one with Christopher Walken was great, especially his facial expression when he was walking his dog.

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery. 

“You’ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. 

He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away.” 

The desk sergeant said, “Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?”

“What’s the difference?” asked the jeweler. “Well,” said the sergeant, “an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears.” 

“Come to think of it, I couldn’t see his ears,” said the jeweler. “He had a stocking over his head.” 

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: 

General Practitioners know nothing and do little. 

Surgeons know little and do everything. 

Internists knows everything and do nothing. 

Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.

Looks right to me.

This is an old one…but funny!

Lil’ Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. 

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Pop, why are you doing that?” 

“Because I’m buying horses. I have to make sure they are healthy, and in good shape before I buy.” 

Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we’d better hurry home right away.” 

“Why?”, asked his father. 

“Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he definitely wants to buy Mom.”

This one was sent in by Joe and it’s absolutely amazing.  Please share it with as many people as you can…

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does love mean?’ The answers they got were broader, deeper, and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined!

‘When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore… So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’ Rebecca – age 8
‘When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’ Billy – age 4
‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’ Karl – age 5

‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’ Chrissy – age 6
‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’ Terri – age 4
‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.’ Danny – age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.’ Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)
‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.’ Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.’ Noelle – age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’ Tommy – age 6
‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’ Cindy – age 8
‘My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’ Clare – age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’ Elaine – age 5
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’ Chris – age 7
‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’ Mary Ann – age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’ Lauren – age 4
‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ Karen – age 7
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross…’ Mark – age 6
‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’ Jessica – age 8

And the final one: The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry.’  I needed one of those.  It would have been a lot easier.

Yes indeed!

Seven Stages of the Married Cold 

Stage 1: Sugar Dumpling, I’ve really been worried about my baby girl. That’s a bad sniffle, and there’s no telling about these things with all the strep that’s going around. I’m going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food’s terrible, but I’m going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini’s. I have it all arranged with the floor supervisor. 

Stage 2: Listen, Darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’m going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for Papa. 

Stage 3: Maybe you’d better lie down, Honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I’ll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup? 

Stage 4: Now look, Dear, be sensible. After you’ve fed the kids, and gotten the dishes done, and the floor mopped, you’d better lie down for a while. 

Stage 5: Why don’t you take a couple of aspirins? 

Stage 6: Why don’t you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening? 

Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me? Are you trying to give me pneumonia? 

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.  He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.  “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. 

“At this fantastic new bar,” he says.  “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.  It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works hell, even the urinal’s gold!” 

The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.  She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. 

“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. 

“Yes it is,” bartender answers. 

“Do you have huge golden doors?” 

“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” 

“Most certainly do.” 

“What about golden urinals?” 

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!” 

Top 5 reasons why computers must be female

1. No one but their creator understands their logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Top 5 reasons why computers must be male

1. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
2. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.
3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.
4. They’re typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they’ve already invested so much in the damn machine that they’re compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
5. They get hot when you turn them on, and that’s the only time you have their attention.

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. 

When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. 

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. 

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. 

He came in after another 5 minutes and said “honey my hands are cold again.” 

So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. 

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “Honey  my hands are cold again.” 

She then said, “Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?” 

And that’s it.  I gotta end this here.  I’m out of time and strength.  Until Saturday.  Be blessed, be happy, 

And there it is!  Another weekend, shot to heck!  Gone!  Obliterated… how do they go by so fast?  I just don’t understand it.  I feel like there is so much I want to talk about this morning and at the same time that I want to get into the laughter and jokes and at the same time that I want to … yeah, you get the idea.  It’s been one of those days.

So, what do you say we compromise?

Let’s start off and get into the jokes.  Everybody likes to start their day off with a laff, right?  We’ll throw in some serious stuff here and there and end with … who knows WHAT we’ll end with.

How does that sound to you guys?  I know.  You got nuthin’ to say.  This is not a democracy.  This is not even a monarchy.  This is one dragon to rule them all.  I know, I’m stretching an analogy.  So, let’s just get to this…

No…no, not really…

This is a really great discussion sent into me by Stephanie that I have been trying to find on YouTube so I can show it here.  But I can’t.  So, here’s what you are going to need to do.  CLICK ON THE LINK!!  It’s a Facebook reels or something like that, but you gotta watch it.  It makes SO much sense. https://www.facebook.com/reel/875585130791990

I can smell it, hear it, feel it…heck, I can TASTE it!  That little acrid taste on the tip of your tongue.  You younger guys have NO IDEA what I’m talking about, do you?

And THAT is why this dragon writes!

Our good buddy and fellow camper Stephen B. wrote an email that says:

You posted this…

Have you ever thought while walking down the street and you see someone that just needs to be slapped? Think Hillary!  She is the person I think of.

Oh brother Steve…you are SO right!!!

Well, officially, this is going to happen tomorrow I think.  Unless this is an old meme and this happened years ago and I look like an idiot for posting it now. (Yeah, I’m really THAT much of a sports fan anymore) I say tomorrow because I’m writing this on Saturday when I guess really for you reading this, it happened yesterday.  So weird.  Anyway, if it IS actually THIS Super bowl, I hope she does well.  You KNOW the MSM will hype it to no end.  She probably just loves the game and wants to be involved and couldn’t care less about the rest of the nonsense…or it’s all crap and I’m an idiot.

Another one from Stephanie called “The difference between Imagination and Reality”

Master of all I survey!

Leah just sent this to me.  It’s not funny, but it is worth thinking about…

Jesus told us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  And we’re told over and over to share what we have with those that need.  We all have people we know who put themselves in crappy positions.  I am of the acquaintance with some who, month after month are calling around trying to “borrow” $300.  Well, their own family won’t lend them money anymore so that tells you one thing.  There always seems to be enough money for beer and cigarettes, that tells you another.  And yet, almost every month they don’t have enough for rent? 

But there are others, that I would do without myself if they asked for help…and I have.  And there have been times myself, and some quite recently (and if this estate thing doesn’t work itself out soon, it will happen soon again!) where I’ve had to choose between medicine and food.  Most of us are one paycheck away from serious trouble and many of us are one paycheck away from homelessness.

This email from Leah hit me pretty hard, campers.  Be aware of what’s going on with your neighbors.  

Thanks to Ted for sharing this.  You will be missed, brother.

This one is from Paul K.  and we’re going to call it …

   MAYO CLINIC – DRINKING WATER, VERY INTERESTING!!! WATER AND ASPIRIN.

  A cardiologist determined that heart attacks can be triggered by dehydration. Good Thing To Know. From The Mayo Clinic. How many folks do you know who say they don’t want to drink anything before going to bed because they’ll have to get up during the night?

  Heart Attack and Drinking Water – Drinking one glass of water before going to bed helps to avoid a stroke or a heart attack.

  INTERESTING Something else I didn’t know … I asked my doctor why people need to urinate so much at nighttime.

 ANSWER FROM MY CARDIAC DOCTOR: Gravity holds water in the lower part of your body when you are upright (legs swell). When you lie down and the lower body (legs and etc.) seeks level with the kidneys, it is then that the kidneys remove the water because it is easier. I knew you need your minimum water to help flush the toxins out of your body, but this was news to me.

  CORRECT TIME TO DRINK WATER… VERY IMPORTANT.
FROM A CARDIAC SPECIALIST! 

  Drinking water at a certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body: 2 glasses of water after waking up – helps activate internal organs 1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal – helps digestion 1 glass of water before taking a bath – helps lower blood pressure 1 glass of water before going to bed – avoids stroke or heart attack can also add to this.

  My Physician told me that water at bedtime will also help prevent nighttime leg cramps. Your leg muscles are seeking hydration when the cramp and wake you up with a Charlie Horse. 

  MAYO CLINIC ON ASPIRIN – Dr. Virend Somers is a Cardiologist from the Mayo Clinic who is the lead author of the report in the July 29, 2008 issue of the Journal of the American College of Cardiology. Most heart attacks occur in the day, generally between 6 A.M. and noon. Having one during the night, when the heart should be most at rest, means that something unusual happened. Somers and his colleagues have been working for a decade to show that sleep apnea is to blame.

1. If you take an aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, take it at night. THE REASON: Aspirin has a 24-hour “half-life”; therefore, in most heart attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning, the Aspirin would be strongest in your system.
2. Aspirin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest; for years. (When it gets old, it smells like vinegar.)

  PLEASE READ ON. Something that we can do to help ourselves – nice to know. Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve instantly on the tongue. They work much faster than the tablets. Why keep Aspirin by your bedside?

  IT’S ABOUT HEART ATTACKS -There are other symptoms of a heart attack, besides the pain on the left arm. One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating; however, these symptoms may also occur less frequently.

  NOTE: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack. When the majority of heart attacks happen, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep. If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water.

  Afterwards: – Call 911. – Phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by. Say “heart attack!” – Say that you have taken 2. Aspirins – Take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door and wait for their arrival and …….DO NOT LIE DOWN!

  A Cardiologist has stated that if each person after receiving this e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably one life could be saved! I have already shared this information. What about you?

    DO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE. IT MAY SAVE LIVES!

There was ever so much that I learned from this article.  There was some that I was already doing right and some that I was not doing at all.  Thanks Paul for sending this in!  Share this with your friends, campers.

THIS!!!  THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!  This is why none of us can ever have nice things!!!

One of my all time favorites!

Okay, how many of you find it absolutely impossible to believe that 1984 was 40 YEARS AGO!!!

HOW TO FEED A PILL TO A CAT: 

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little b**tard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: 

Wrap it in cheese.

And if you want to make it exciting with the dog, wrap it in bacon.

This tree looks SO COOL!!  I would truly love to find out where it’s at and spend some time there!

Another one of those links from Stephanie that you should watch, because, like the title of the email that she sent it in, It Really Does…https://www.facebook.com/reel/307276849010345

That ought to do it!

I really try to see the best in people…

But there is a new level of stupidity out there that makes it downright challenging.

So, the CIA can hack into my TV and listen to every word I say, but McDonald’s can’t hear me say, “No Pickles!” through their drive-thru speaker?

ELECTRIC CARS: 
A plan that doesn’t work to fix a problem that doesn’t exist.

Folks, this is the sad, honest truth.  If the essay that is percolating in the back of my head comes to fruition before this gets published on Monday, you will see it in the Last Word.  If not, I’m sure you will see it soon.  Campers…my dear friends…NO ONE IS COMING TO RESCUE US.  And if I’ve figured this out correctly, even God has cut this country loose.  Not the Christian believers IN the country.  But America itself because it won’t obey God’s will.

Ponder this for a moment. 
The wind farm in Mt. Pulaski has been running for 3 1/2 years.  They have been replacing the generators in all the wind towers.  There are 100 of them in this wind farm.  So evidently the life span on the generators on these things is about 3 to 4 years.  It takes 12 semi trucks and trailers, a 9 axle 500,000 lb. crane, a 100,000 lb. crane, and 12 pickup trucks to change each generator.  That is a huge amount of diesel fuel being used to maintain these wind towers.
And the “Green Groups” would like you to believe they are all fueled by magic fairy dust.

I don’t care how you figure it…that has GOT to be a negative net worth for those wind farms.

That is the PERFECT analogy!!

A vote is not a Valentine.  You are not confessing your love for the candidate.  It’s a chess move for the world you want to live in.

Senior Advice  Some old some new, all of it’s good.

• The ability to speak several languages is an asset, 
  But the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
  
  
• Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision! 
  The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.  This is great advice for ANYONE.  One of the things that I taught ALL restaurant managers, and I teach new Emergency Managers, Emergency Operation Center workers, etc. Make a decision!  Get off the dime!  Right or wrong, usually ANY decision is better than no decision at all.  If it’s wrong, we can fix it.
  
  
• When I get a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children. 
  Just like the bottle says.
  
  
• Becoming an adult …
  Is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
  
  
• If you see me talking to myself, just move along. 
  I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
  
  
• “Your call is very important to us …
  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”

• Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, 
  Or is it just me?

• Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. 
  When I was 3, I ate mud.

• Tip for a successful marriage: 
  Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

• So, you drive across town to a gym …
  To walk on a treadmill?

• Old age is coming …
  At a really bad time.

• If God wanted me to touch my toes, 
  He would’ve put them on my knees.

• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. 
  We haven’t met yet.

• Why do I have to press one for English, 
  When you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

• Now, I’m wondering . . . 
  Did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself?

• You don’t need anger management. 
  You need people to stop irritating you.

• Your people skills are just fine. 
  It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

• “On time” is, 
  When you get there.

• Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – 
  But it sure does muffle the sound.

• It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, 
  Then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller.

• Lately, you’ve noticed people your age, 
  Are so much older than you.

• “One for the road” … 
  Means peeing before you leave the house.

My wife minored in psychology.  She’s always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, “Well, you know, you’re only firing him because he’s so young and good-looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you’re projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with.”

I said, “Honey…we don’t have a pool.”

How did “the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog” become the typical sentence that contains all letters of the alphabet and not “sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow” which is objectively a million times cooler.

I’m in Home Depot and some little kid called me an old fart…

So…if you’re missing your kid…he’s in the red LG dryer…aisle 17…learning some manners.

Son:  Hey Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend. 

Dad:  You can do better. 

Son:  Thanks, Dad. 

Dad:  I wasn’t talking to you.

I do!  According to what I just read, because I was curious as to whether it was a real memory or not, seatbelts started showing up in cars as early as the mid 1950’s, which would have pre-dated old Impish Dragon.  But weren’t federally mandated until the 1968 model, which would have put me at about 10 years old.  So yeah.  It’s probably a real memory.  My first car, a ’67 Plymouth Barracuda, which I adored, by the way, had seatbelts, but I wonder if they were factory installed or after market.  The article went on to say that even though they were installed in all cars as of the 1968 model year, many drivers and passengers simply refused to wear them.

This next one is, of course, from our own dear Stephanie…who else?  Click on the title and it should take you there.  If not, click here: http://The Worst Things For Sale The Internet’s most horrible items. A daily blog.

The Worst Things For Sale

The Internet’s most horrible items. A daily blog.

Since we’re getting very near the end of today’s episode and I recently got a couple of comments that I want to share and a few other things as well, I think…I say I think because I’m not really sure.  Today is Sunday and it’s been a really … um … filled Sunday.  I’ll let it go at that for now.  Anyway, first comment from Leah, I thought everyone had figured this one out.

I would have HAD to go ask.  That’s crazy.  Unless it went to a bunch of different carrier facilities in the same city to pick up more packages before starting the route for the day or something…but it starts at 0500 and goes until 1800!

Anyway, from Evan:

Again from dear Stephanie, this one will easily chase you down a rabbit hole if you’re not careful!

List of Unusual Deaths

Okay, I don’t get that one…someone wanna help me out, here?

A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords.

She got a pen and paper and said, “Thank God for that, what are they?”

Okay, I’m not going to get a chance to get to the other things I wanted to get to by the close of this episode.  The Holy Spirit is pushing me to write another essay and keeps whispering into my head about what to write and He is telling me and I’m writing it and I’m really not happy with the way it is coming out.  So, in the middle of like the third rewrite.  I was hoping to share it with you guys, but maybe for Thursday.  Anyway, be well, be happy, be Blessed until next time.

It’s Friday.  Yesterday.  And I finally have a day off.  Actually, I was going to go to the hospital this morning…no!  Not for anything like that!  To get some lab work done.  But, I kinda blew it off.  So, instead, I’ve just been sitting here, doing … stuff.  Catching up on reading, catching up on emails, catching up on other correspondences, that sort of stuff.

I finally heard from the lawyers in Florida and have started making headway on the estate.  I may have mentioned this in the last episode. I got emailed 6 official documents to sign.  They had to be, as the lawyer said, ink signed.  One had to be notarized.  Then they all get scanned back in and emailed back and all get put in the mail and the hardcopies get mailed back.

So, I emailed everything back and when I heard that they got everything in good shape then I would put everything in the mail.  So, they write back to me and tell me I have to take the notarized one back to where it was notarized and have the person who notarized it mark a box that she failed to mark that says whether the individual (me) signed in her presence or not.  Put a little X in the box.  I guess there is a way to do notary on line now?  I thought the whole idea of having something notarized was that the person who was a notary, who’s reputation was supposed to be above reproach, swore that they KNEW, either through personal recognition, photo identification, SOMETHING … that you were who you said you were and that you signed that document right in front of them.  How could you possibly do that on line?

Anyway, so my first thought was, “Why don’t they just check the box themselves?”  Then I thought, “Actually, that’s a really good thing that your lawyer has that much integrity that they wouldn’t even do that.”  Then I thought, “Well, why don’t I just check the box, rescan it and email it back, myself.”

… ?

… !

“Because,” I thought, “then I wouldn’t have as much integrity as the lawyers that I was just congratulating myself on having hired.”  So, I went back to the bank and explained the situation, had the really nice lady there check the box, thanked her very much and walked back out.  

And that pretty much describes what’s going on with the lawyers.  Or in other words…I have no idea, but it IS moving forward.

And a really nice comment from Evan follows…

Our dear Stephanie has been finding cool websites for us again.  This one is a list of conspiracy theories:https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_conspiracy_theories

This next one is scary as heck.  And it makes me want to gather up some people and try it myself.

Trained hunting dragon

This one is extraordinarily interesting.  Very long, but quite good.  Thanks to Leah for sending us this.

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house.

Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy’s mother looked straight into his eyes and said, “I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of cake.”

“No,” replied Tommy, “but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking.”

TEENAGER (NOUN)

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS). Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (See PARENTS) Very territorial. (See ITS MY ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.)

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF). The males of the species forage for food constantly (See MCDONALD’S) and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF).

The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development (See WONDER BRAS). Males indicate their approval by staring at the display (See FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF). The call of the female is complex and shrill, “Like, O m’ Gosh! O m’ Gosh!” Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory, “Yo. Yo. Yo. S’up? S’up? S’up?”

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, “I’m doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK.” The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios.

Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See FATHERS, LECTURES OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt, and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapien families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See STRESS) or more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life.

Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See COLLEGE).

2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. (“She’s a Teenager.”)

3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. (“I have a Teenager at home.”) Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

– Bobby Kelton (c1939-)

There’s a fairy tale going on here or something.

I’m going to have to get me one of those signs.

Many, many times.

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling “Mom! Dad! Come quick!

There’s a Franc in Stein!

Kansas Law

If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

A lovely young single girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition; marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying.

As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.” She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her.

The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. “YOU,” she shouted, “What’s it going to be?”

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand, “Please take a seat, Mrs. Howard. I’m making all the arrangements.  Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She’ll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week.”

The  mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?”

I haven’t done it often, but I have done it.

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok.  Right click again.  Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir.  Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure.  You told me to write ‘click’, and I wrote ‘click’.”

I have met this customer so many times in so many different places…

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: 

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'” 

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???” 

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.

Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. “Why are you using our telephone,” he yelled. “Why aren’t you talking on your own telephone?”

“I can’t,” she said, “because I’m expecting an important incoming call on my phone.”

And I have raised THAT teenager.  As I think most of us have.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
6. He’s fascinated by the details of you home security system
7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
9. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks
10. No toes

“Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.”

– George Eliot (1819-1880)

That may be one of my all time favorite quotes.

In the 1930’s, a map-making company put a “phantom settlement” called Agloe on their map, a location that didn’t really exist, but was included as a trap to catch anyone plagiarizing their work.

Two decades later, Rand McNally put out a map that included Agloe as well, and the original company sought to sue them for plagiarism.  However, to their astonishment, a tiny settlement had actually come together at that location and named themselves Agloe after seeing that name on the map.

I caught my neighbor stealing my socks off my clothesline. 

I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.

If you’re buying a watch from Amazon, BE WARNED.  I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Fact Of The Day:

First Baby in the Big House

President Grover Cleveland achieved many “firsts” in the White House during his term of office.  He was the first President to get married in the White House and he (and his wife Frances) was the first to have a baby born AT 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW.  To this day, no other child has been born in the White House.

New beginnings are
often disguised as
painful endings.

Happens to me ALL the time!

You only need to remember two things when you’re on Dragon Laffs.

1.  They’re just jokes.

2.  I don’t care if you disagree with me.

People landed on the moon before they figured out to put wheels on suitcases.  Macy’s sold its first wheeled suitcases in October 1970, and you surely know that Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon on July 20, 1969.

I’ve been saying that for years.

Before I close out for the night, I want to bring up one point point.  Today I found out that Joe Biden was determined to be immune from prosecution for mishandling of documents 8 years ago, when he WAS NOT the president and didn’t have the authority to even HAVE those documents.  Donald Trump IS being prosecuted for the same thing when he WAS president and DID have the authority to have those documents.  That’s not only selective prosecution, and a weaponized justice system (and illegal) it’s down right STUPID.  Now, why was it determined he was immune from prosecution?  Because 8 years ago he was an old man, mentally unfit, and probably didn’t know what he was doing.  That is what was determined.  And yet, we are supposed to believe 8 years later, that he is FIT TO HOLD THE KEYS TO THE NUCLEAR CODES?!?!  AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT HE IS THE ONE MAKING ALL THE DECISIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE?!?!  They just admitted that 8 YEARS ago he was unfit.  They admitted it.  And yet, the democrats want us to believe that he is the best person to run our country.  THAT’S the best the democrats have to offer us.  

Are we not so incredibly ashamed of ourselves.  Just like when Jerusalem turned it’s back on God in the Old Testament and God sent so many different other countries to try to drive them back to Him…and it wasn’t until they got a Godly leader before things started going their way again.  We have to open our eyes and STOP listening to evil people.  They are not even TRYING anymore.  If he was incompetent 8 years ago, he’s incompetent more so NOW! 

I saw this picture on someone’s profile on Twitter … I’m sorry … X today and I copied it because it scared the ever living daylights out of me.  

May our dear Heavenly Father Bless you all with Love, Happiness, Laughter, and Comfort.  And may He Protect us all.  Until next time my friends.  Keep laughing.

I really do like that header.  Kind of descriptive of our whole outlook on life here at Dragon Laffs.  So, it’s Monday and I’m getting ready to take my beasts to the vet.  If you guys don’t hear from me again, would one of you please check the county jail and see what my bond is.

In the meantime, I’ve got a bunch of stuff to pop in and talk to you guys about, but for now, let’s just go ahead and get this party started.

So, got this email from Stephen B. about the last episode of DL. 

I do have a problem with the link you sent on the Press Secretary…….I think the Military Wife insulted the intelligence of a bean sprout.

The show where Lenny and Squiggy were singing was Laverne & Shirley.

Why do you need a red dot on grenade launchers?  To scare the bejeezes out of the one it is being aimed at. KEEP ‘EM COMING!

I meant to bring this up at the time, but I believe it is the place of the military member, and their families to keep their mouths shut in regard to their feelings about the president and the administration.  That is their commander-in-chief.  And in and of the fact that I, too work for the military AND am a veteran, I should have the respect to not criticize because the president, no matter who he is, is my boss, and I should respect the office, if not the person.  But, what that press secretary said was SO insulting and SO degrading, plus just wrong and ADD to that the remarks of Kirby prior to that when he announced that “only 3 Soldiers were killed…” ONLY?  How can you minimize the fact that ANY American Military lives are lost?  That’s just degrading.  He of all people should be howling at the moon at lost military lives.  Well, after all that (plus so very much more from this piece of garbage administration when it comes to the military) yeah, I don’t have a problem at ALL with what that military wife said, nor with me presenting it here to you guys.

And yes indeed, I think bean sprouts everywhere should be insulted by comparison.  But the red dot on the grenade launcher to scare the recipient of the grenade?  Isn’t that a lot like the cat playing with  the mouse before eating it?  So…okay…I see your point.  Sounds like fun.

Are we going to start this again?

Aussie Pete, I blame this on you.  You being our Aussie Rep, that’s what you get.

You don’t hear much about the Bermuda Triangle anymore because it filled with so many sunken ships that it’s become a wrecktangle.

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.  There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, and proctologists, any place you have a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.  They make an entire career out of that hole.  And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why?
So he can make a new hole!

More and more.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.  This poor guy, possibly even a relative of mine, just needs to use the restroom and people are taking pictures of him!

My friend Ian used to be a Magician before he lost his Magic.

I really enjoy seafood

I just realized that the word “seven” has “even” in it.

That’s odd.

Oh come on!!

I KNOW he’s related to me!

I really do like crab cakes.

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

Accidently sprayed body spray in my mouth.  I now talk with an axe scent.

[baby crying on plane]

Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse than a baby crying on a plane? 

Me: [pulling out a kazoo] Let’s find out, shall we?

I forgot to put my ice scraper back in my car.  This morning I had to use a store rewards card.  It was ineffective, only took off 5%.

If you’re 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

FOR SALE:
Dead Canary.
Not going cheep.

I can cut a piece of wood in half, just by looking at it.

It’s true!  I saw it with my own eyes.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today with no iPhone, tablet, or laptop.  He just sat there…drinking coffee…like a psychopath.

Okay, so I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have been getting a plethora of political “surveys” in the mail.  They’re not really surveys, they are more very poorly written questionnaires and more blunt pleas for money.  I’ll give you a quick example of one I got today.  Here’s the question:

20.  Are you concerned about the rise in political correctness and left-wing radicalism on America’s college campuses, where conservative views are suppressed, and conservative speakers are harassed and even attacked?

Oh come on!  That’s such a lop-sided question.  And of course the choices for answers are yes, no and undecided.  That’s like asking someone if they have stopped beating their wife yet.  There is no way of honestly answering it and it’s not really asking a real question anyway.  I would really like to see a REAL survey.  

But the thing that really annoys me about these are that every single one of them is more wrapped up and spends more time trying to convince me to send them money.  And the one today just annoyed the daylights out of me.  It was from the National Republican Senatorial Committee.  The last page had the “Assessment Verification and Reply” where you verify that, yes indeed, these were my answers AND I am enclosing my most generous contribution of:

and then they have these boxes you can check.  I know you’ve seen them.  This particular one though had $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, $34*, $25, and Other: $_____.  Look closely at the $34 one and see that there is an asterixis behind that one.  If you look right below the box with all the numbers in you can read that:

*Your gift of $34 is just $1 for every Senate seat in 2024.  Like their saying, “You cheap bastard.  These poor starving baby Senators and all you can spare is a lousy dollar?  How dare you!  But if you think about, these poor senators get paid $174,000 a year.  That’s more than TWICE what I get paid.  Plus they get compensated for their staff, their office, their all kinds of stuff, I just read a minute ago that the average allowance for senators is OVER $3.7 million a year!  And!  AND they can gain a retirement after 6 years.  It’s not a great retirement at that point, but still.  I have to work for 20 years to get a not great retirement.  I’ll bet after 20 years theirs is pretty darn good.  And now they are going to shame ME for not sending THEM my money!  How about shaming them for being ridiculously over paid? 

I say we put them under the same pay scale as the military.  For crying out loud, they’re not even getting shot at for a living!!  Make them all E-1’s for their first year, make them have to work a minimum of 20 years in Government service to get a 50% retirement.  And at least once, they have to be deployed for a year and be shot at.  

I, Impish Dragon, so make a motion.  Do I have a second?

Oh, and before any of you ask, I did NOT send them a check.  But I am considering answering the questionnaire and writing in the margins and telling them how stupid each question is and how they could have reworded it to make it a worthwhile question.  And adding at the end WHY I’m not sending them a check and why they should strongly consider sending all of us one.

That really, Really, REALLY ought to tell us something.

I really want them!!!

Breaking News:  Local glass blower was rushed to the hospital this morning because he inhaled whilst working.

A hospital spokesperson said, “He’s okay, but he does still have a pane in his stomach and a glazed look on his face.”

Interesting fact:  Lumberjacks know EXACTLY how many trees they cut down each year.  Apparently they keep a log.

I got tired of being asked how I got the scars on my forehead, and finally answered:  “I’m married.  Those are beak marks from being hen pecked.”

Questions asked about….

The Pregnancy: 

 Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?

*Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.


Are birth control pills deductible? 

*Only if they don’t work. 


What is a chastity belt? 

*A labor-saving device. 


Should I have a baby after 35? 

*No,  35 children are enough. 


Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? 

*Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.


My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

Your therapist. 


 During The Pregnancy: 


How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? 

*If it’s the flu, you’ll get better. 


 I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?

*Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long. 


What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? 

*Childbirth. 


I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? 

*With any luck, right after he finishes college. 


 Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet  have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

*Yes, your bladder. 


Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

*Depends on what you’re doing with them. 


What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? 

*Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder. 


 My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

*Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. 


 When is the best time to get an epidural? 

*Right after you find out your pregnant. 


What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning? 

*It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you.


What are forceps? 

*Giant baby tweezers. 


 Does labor cause hemorrhoids? 

*Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. 


After The Pregnancy: 


 Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? 

*No, but your husband might get on your nerves. 


Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? 

*When it’s a girl, for starters. 


 Where is the best place to store breast milk? 

*In your breasts. 


 Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? 

*Yes, baby lips. 


What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? 

*It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. 


How does one sanitize nipples?* 

Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. 


 What are the terrible twos? 

*Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. 


What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? 

*When you see teeth marks. 


What is the grasp reflex? 

*The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts. 



What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away? 

*They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.


 Do I have to have a baby shower? 

*Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly. 


What causes baby blues? 

*Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos. 


What is colic? 

*A reminder for new parents to use birth control. 


What are night terrors? 

*Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again. 


Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

*When the kids are in college. 


Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? 

*Yes, pregnancy. 

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a “walk” and the students were free to leave – with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that “jumped” ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to “jump” ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely “absent-minded”). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them “You have 1 hour to complete”.

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully “jumped” the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worried about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”

The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?” 

The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.” 

Back in the old days, the USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans.

So they built and it was beautiful. When he came to test it, he looked through it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.

He said, “Is this the New York? Where’s that building they call Empire State?”

The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen. 

“What are those large photos on that building?” he asked.

The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.

“Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says.” More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos:

“Don’t grow beards like these! Use Gillette!”

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1.  Two World Wars and One World Cup

2.  Proper beer

3.  You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket

4.  You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events

5.  Union jack underpants

6.  Water shortages guaranteed every single summer

7.  You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8.  Bathing once a week – whether you need to or not

9.  Ditto changing underwear

10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH

1.  Yur nay English!

2.  Yur nay English!

3.  Yur nay English!

4.  Yur nay English!

5.  Yur nay English!

6.  Yur nay English!

7.  Yur nay English!

8.  Yur nay English!

9.  Yur nay English!

10. Yur nay English!

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business.

I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited.

We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear. When it did not, my thoughtful seven- year-old gave me a hug.

“It’s okay, Mom,” she said. “The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”

Okay folks, that’s it.  Time to go.  Love and happiness to you all.  Till next time.