So, I have a question…is it against the law to kill your own dog? I didn’t. But it was only because I don’t think I can fire my 9mm right now without causing myself excruciating pain and I’m relatively sure that the .22, even with the .22 long, hollow-points that I have loaded in it wouldn’t penetrate her THICK SKULL!!!
Why? You ask.
Because she tried to kill me.
Again.
By pulling me off the back porch. Backwards!!!
I’ve been watching her ever since the snow incident and the hip replacement when she pulled me off the back porch and I thought I was a goner then. Today, everything was fine. She was fine. She didn’t take off running. I stopped to light my cigar, like I normally do when I take the dogs out. It was a little windy out, so I turned my back to the wind…(pause for dramatic effect)…and to the devil dog…who took the opportunity for homicide.
And no! I don’t know why my first instinct wasn’t to let go of the handle of the expandable leash. Most of the time when you suddenly find yourself flying through the air within a split-second, your first instinct is to hang on…to something! Unfortunately for me, I was hanging on to the thing that was dragging me through the air.
Now, my right hand is all chewed up (you can’t tell but I’m typing much slower and with many more typos than normal), which is my shooting hand. I’m not bad off-handed, but my 9mm has a bit of a kick to it. My right shin is tore up and I’m going to be a bit more purple for church tomorrow.
This was also BEFORE I mowed the lawn. Wasn’t THAT a fun experience after being chewed up.
So, my question stands…is it illegal to kill your own dog?
We gotta do some laughing before we move on to other things…
Well, okay, since that was the first one in line, and since this is probably the one time it is okay to speak ill of the dead, and unless he did an awful lot of repenting lately I’m pretty sure he’s suffering for his sins right now, but hey! It coulda happened. AND because I got a bunch of memes on the subject… let’s do this…
I’m pretty sure the comment with that one was, “Well, did the coffin fit?”
That was all of them.
At a dinner party, Miss Holly and Joe were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
“No woman,” said Joe, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” answered Miss Holly. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” Joe insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded Miss Holly. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”
Well, if we’re going to do theme work this morning, let’s do the rest of these that I have, also.
This next one is just an awesome picture!
And this one wins the award for about the stupidest thing ever said
Congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee (D):
The moon, a planet, is “made up mostly of gases”
so we can soon live inside it, unlike the sun
which is “almost” too hot to go near.
I actually heard part of her “speech” and she sounds like a complete idiot. Okay, so I found it on Youtube. Here you go…
She’s a complete and total idiot. I’m sorry Houston, but you guys elected her.
Pop Smith gave us this warning…
It’s getting to be pollen season here in the south. Pretty soon everything will be yellow ~Pop Smith
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks.
Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting,
“They can bust me, they can fine me — but they can’t take away my birthday.”
As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, “They can bust me, they can fine me but they can’t take away my birthday.”
The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the International dateline — it was July 23.
TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED (Okay, 11!)
11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your shirt.
4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
…and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”
I’m pretty sure this is an…
Regardless, it’s definitely funny!
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
I guess if it works…
Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!
From one unstable person to another…
Yeah, just because that one was fun to color
Have you heard about the amazing new discovery?
It’s a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches.
This is terrible. It’s old. And I’m blaming Joe from NJ.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well,? Is she selling drugs?” she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well,? What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesman.”
“A battery salesman?”, cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied, “She sells ‘C’ cells by the sea shore!”
Maybe…
I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment but was told customers were taken on a walk-in basis only.
On Saturday I got there by 9 am. and there were already ten people waiting. I drove to another salon, but it was booked solid. Still another had no openings.
The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted me at the door.
“That was fast,” he said cheerfully. “Your hair looks great!”
And not a single guy reading right now would find a single thing wrong with this.
That is the truth
I love Rollercoasters!!
NO WE DON’T!
It is absolutely amazing to me that anyone actually even listened to this spoiled BRAT to begin with. In my family, when someone acted this way, they got spanked and sat in the corner.
I seem to remember something about the Whigs and the Torres (?) in grammar school? I may be misremembering. That was a LONG time ago.
I know, surprising results. Idiot!
But Biden says our economy has never been better!
Well, at least she’s learning to mind her place while the adults are talking.
And I’ve run out of time my friends. I’m on my way back to church for a special prayer service tonight. May God Bless you and Keep you until we meet again.
So, I’m trying to get some extra work done and all I’m doing is falling further and further behind. So, I thought, the heck with it, I’m going to go and spend some time with my camper friends. So, here I am. I was reading this post and someone asked the question: “What’s the funniest joke you ever heard that still makes you laugh to this day?” and someone else answered with this one:
Three couples died and went to heaven, an Irish couple, a Jewish couple and an American couple. The Irish couple stepped up to the Pearly Gates. The husband knocked on the door.
“Mr. & Mrs. O’Malley. We’d like to get into heaven, please.”
St. Peter checked his list. ” O’Malley, O’Malley. Oh, I’m sorry I can’t let you into heaven, Mr. O’Malley.”
“Why not,” said Mr. O’Malley.
“Well, while you were on Earth all you cared about was alcohol. You drank morning, noon & night. You had Guinness for breakfast & Jamieson’s for dinner. Look at the woman you married. Her name is Brandy, for God’s sake. No, we can’t let you into heaven.”
The clouds parted and the couple dropped from sight.
The Jewish couple stepped up to the Pearly Gates. The husband knocked on the door.
“Mr. & Mrs. Goldman. We’d like to get into heaven, please.”
St. Peter checked his list. “Goldman, Goldman. Oh, I’m sorry I can’t let you into heaven, Mr. Goldman.”
“Why not,” said Mr. Goldman.
“Well, while you were on Earth all you cared about was money. You hoarded money morning, noon & night. You never spent your money or gave to charities. Look at the woman you married. Her name is Penny for God’s sake. No, we can’t let you into heaven.”
The clouds parted and the couple dropped from sight.
The American couple stepped up to the Pearly Gates. The husband knocked on the door, turned to his wife, and said, “I don’t know, Fanny, it’s looking really bad for us.”
You just kinda knew that’s where the American’s head was at though, didn’t you?
Well, my own head is in a weird enough place today, so why don’t we just jump into the laughter and we’ll see where the rest of the issue takes us, shall we?
So, one more quick comment from me. I’m so sick and tired of the rain. I think I told you guys that my flat roof, a tiny like 10 x 10 foot section that used to be the front porch on the my house, that is now part of my living room, is leaking. It used to be that if it was torrentially raining and the wind was blowing just right that I would get the occasional drip. Now it’s leaking bad and I’m really gonna have to do something about it. Of course. I had some Amish guys come out. Friends/family of a friend who works with me. They looked at it and gave me a quote (last summer) of $3,000 plus. I wasn’t going to pay that much for such a small chunk of roof! Even if at the time I could have barely swung it.
Now, of course, with everything else that’s going on, I can barely pay my bills and I’m still waiting to be paid back for the money that I’m owed from my brother’s stuff and the silly thing is leaking even worse! I talked to a buddy of mine, the guy I do the jail and Thursday night ministry with who is a big time carpentry guy, rebuilt his whole house. You know, THAT guy. He’s a month older than I am and still moves around like he’s 20 years younger. I, on the other hand, full of arthritis, move around like I’m 40 years older. But, this is the same guy who keeps accusing me of making up words when I say stuff like “obfuscate” so, there’s trade offs.
I asked him if he would give me a hand dumping some tar on my roof. That way it would find the hole and seal it up?
He said, “Roof Cement.”
I said, “Okay, ‘Roof Cement’.”
He said, “There’s a difference. Tar is just tar, roof cement has little fibers in it for a better seal and for strength.” (or something like that)
I said, “Oh, okay. Whatever. Would you…”
“No, not whatever. It’s important. There’s a big difference.”
I replied, “And I DON’T know the difference. That’s why I’m asking you. Now, you’re just being ostentatious.”
“And you’re making up words again.”
Anyway, my original point was that I’m getting sick and tired of the RAIN. Everyone out here farms. They’re all walking around with big smiles on their faces as the Wabash River is this close to flooding it’s banks. “We had such a dry winter, we really need this.” I hear over and over again. Just a little over a week ago, this is a picture I sent to my buddy Wheats:
Don’t look at that crappy backyard or the decrepit fence. The fence is on my list of priorities…it’s quite a ways down on the list, but it’s on there. Look instead at that incredible clear blue sky that God blessed us with. Beautiful, right? Well today, the first “nice” day since last Saturday (I think) Izzy sent me this picture on her way to work:
Her comment was: COWS!!!
I said it was a beautiful picture. She said, “But there are so MANY of them!!
LOL! But you’ll notice that there is NO clear blue sky.
I’m REALLY tired of the rain.
Okay, so we’ve been silly and led into this long enough, so let’s try this again and MAYBE this time it will stick…
Although, one dragon can hope that at least some of you have been laughing…at least a little, already.
And he’ll also find out how that whole trial thing worked out for him.
Some of you may or may not be old enough to remember these. For me, it is a vague memory and I’m not sure if it’s a real memory or just something I’ve read about and seen in movies and such so many times I think it’s a memory. According to the article that Lynn sent in, they were not around when I was around, but something in the back of my head is telling me that I either saw them or someone recreated them somewhere that I saw. But they are definitely an American classic. Thanks Lynn for sharing this with us.
A man, a miss, A car, a curve. He kissed the miss, And missed the curve.Burma Shave
I’m sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives. People laughed and then were more careful! It was a REAL “service” to America, even though it was an advertisement and it was one of the RARE “really useful” ones!
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s.
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet… and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR.Burma Shave
TRAINS DON’T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP ‘CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP.Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE.Burma Shave
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING.Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER LET’S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE.Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET’S HAVE LESS BULL AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT.Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE.Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN’T IT?Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU.Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN’ HE’S JUST HOPIN’Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY.Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT’S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER’S CODE.Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING.Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE.Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW.Burma Shave
Three surgeons met at a convention, and during the break, they began discussing what types of patients they liked to operate on.
The first doc said, “I prefer to operate on short people because it more of a challenge to get the job done without making as large an incision.”
The second surgeon replied, “Challenge, shmallenge. I prefer to operate on oriental people because their anatomy is always textbook perfect. Everything is in the right place every time.”
The third doctor said, “Obviously neither of you have ever done surgery on a lawyer. They are by far the easiest patients to cut on. When you open them up, you’ll see that they have no heart, they certainly have no guts, and their rear end is interchangeable with their mouth.”
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry.
Finally he went to a marriage counselor.
When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
“Oh” said the counselor, “I see what the problem is. You can’t decide whether to marry for batter or verse.”
Today, I found a special picture that I dug up out of the archives. That’s me and me. And old picture of me on the left and an old picture of me on the right from 2007 when I was in Tech School for the job that I have now. I was quite a bit rounder there than I am now and they couldn’t find Chem gear to fit me so I got a suit of green in the pants and desert in the jacket. LOL! And that’s the old MCU-2 mask that we don’t use anymore. And yes, that’s body armor that doesn’t fit, either. If it had been the real thing, and not just training, they would’ve gotten stuff that fit. But I was like the first civilian to EVER go through tech school and the military guys, didn’t usually come in my size. That is, short and round.
“TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING!”
1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.
2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), keep building up little giggles until you are crying with tears of laughter – Then lookup at the people and say you were just thinking of a funny joke you heard.
4 Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
9 Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10 Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”
Just about every one of those would get you in a HUGE amount of trouble in my Air Force job!
I gotta try some of those!!!
You know, Aussie Pete, I’m beginning to believe some of this stuff…
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to “love, honor and obey” and “forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,” I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”
He passed the minister two £50 notes and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the two £50 notes into his hand and whispered back: “She made me a much better offer.”
Well, you woulda thought that the pastor would’ve approached the young man with a counter offer and seen how high he could’ve driven up the price, right? If you’re going to sell out your services, why not sell ’em all the way out?
At our jail ministry the other night, we are studying Anger. The question was asked, “What makes you angry?” If you think about it, directly or indirectly, anger may have a lot to do with why these guys are in jail to begin with. And of course, when it came my turn to answer the question, as we almost always do, I said that the one thing that makes me angry more than anything else is stupidity. People making boneheaded decisions about things that they really, REALLY ought to know better about.
Go ahead and try that, see how it works out for you.
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
“I’m busy dear,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”
The next time came around, and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled. “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper… I meant the next baby!”
Interesting concept to think about the things that were science fiction then that are ancient history now.
Wow! That was almost perfect!
Top 10 Most Romantic Lines From New English Language Students
10. I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her.
9. He had such a worm heart.
8. We were two sheeps passing in the night.
7. We have hated each other for so long. I want to borrow the hatchet.
6. My dentist makes me blush twice a day.
5. I don’t know if he will propose, but I am expecting.
4. I have something exciting to tell you. My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!
3. The groom was wearing a very nice croissant.
2. He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss.
1. I think she is really glad she got marinated.
Yeah, so’s mine. I think I’ve told you before, that when we would drive down the road and had the radio on in the car and a good song would come on and I would sing, Mary would turn the volume up so she couldn’t hear me. THAT’S how bad my singing voice is and she loves me!
The minister asked for anyone who knew a truly perfect person to stand up.
After a long pause a meek-looking fellow in the back stood.
“Do you really know a perfect person?” he was asked.
“Yes, Sir, I do,” answered the little man.
“Would you please tell the congregation who this rare perfect person is?”
“Yes, Sir, my wife’s first husband.”
Probably a dead husband…
Gotta wonder what other animal vomit we’ve tried…
Wow! Just…Wow!
Boy, ain’t that the truth! I want to learn Greek, just so that I can read the New Testament in its original to get all the nuance of the language that our poor, crippled English language just doesn’t have. For instance, (and I may have shared this with you, because I wrote a paper on it for my guys in the jail) did you know that the greeks had 8 different words for love? Mania, Philautia, Ludus, Pragma, Storge, Eros, Philia, and Agape. Then, I want to learn Hebrew, so I can read the Old Testament in the original. Some of this may have to wait until I’m in Heaven. Then I’ll have plenty of time…but…then I’ll have perfect understanding, too. Hmmm… I’ll have to give that some thought.
A short theme…
End of theme. If you paid attention.
Hence the REAL reason for the 2nd Amendment.
This next one is a bit difficult to read. Feel free to pass it by.
like I just heard Dr. Phil say to a Palestinian woman who started going on about “100 years of …”, (and I’m paraphrasing) “when you climb over a fence, break into a house, pour gasoline on an infant, and set them on fire! There is NO excuse for that! NONE!” The biggest difference, the most obvious, glaring difference between the Israelis and Hamas is this: The Jews are going out of their way to protect and keep safe those that can’t protect and keep themselves safe. The young, the old, the infirm. Hamas is hiding amongst them and using them as shields. They are purposefully targeting them. Tell me again, who is committing atrocities. As I said before, Dragon Laffs is NOT stupidity friendly.
Absolutely they do. Because if they don’t, they know that we will turn those weapons on them when they go too far. Heck, maybe not. They’ve already gone too far. So have the Republicans. And “We the People” have sat on our hands and done NOTHING.
Politics …
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. — Jay Leno
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. — Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office — Aesop
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. — Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. — Clarence Darrow
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnels. — John Quinton, American actor/writer
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. — Author unknown
Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. — Ronald Reagan
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. — Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American socialism”
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. — Adlai Stevenson, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. — Tex Guinan
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. — Doug Larson, English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Paris Olympic Games
We’d all like to vote for the best man, but he’s never a candidate. — Kin Hubbard, American cartoonist/humorist
An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry. — George Eliot
Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied. — Otto von Bismarck
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. — Groucho Marx
Politics is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex. —Frank Zappa
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. — Mark Twain
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. — Salvor Hardin, in Isaac Asimov, Foundation saga
If voting made any difference, they wouldn’t let us do it. — attrib. to Mark Twain
For the life of me, I can’t figure out what they were trying to say.
No, I don’t blame you. Most of them are pretty bad.
Umm…doesn’t that imply that…nah…yeah?…nah!…kinda…
I remember those monster slides. You know they won’t even let them on a playground anymore.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
Ah – the times they are a changin’…
School boy to teacher: “I did my homework, but the dog pressed control-alt-delete!”
They’ll never get it…
My sister, Sharon, and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. As she fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, “I’m fat.”
“No, you’re not,” I scolded.
“My hair is awful.”
“It’s lovely.”
“I’ve never looked worse,” she whined.
“Yes, you have,” I replied.
Stumpy was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A lady said to him with a snarl, ‘Sir, there’s no smoking in here.’
Stumpy said, ‘I’m not smoking lady.’
‘But you have a cigar in your mouth,’ the woman said.
‘Lady, ‘ Stumpy answered, ‘I’ve got on Jockey shorts, too, but I’m not riding a horse.’ ”
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”
The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”
Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”
Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.
Do you want to try?”
No, but thanks anyway.”
Why not?” asks the barman.
The steaks are too high.”
Top ten bizarre customer complaints to Holiday Reps received by the firm in recent years:
1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.
2 The beach was too sandy.
3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.
4 It rained on my birthday.
5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.
6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
7 It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned.
8 We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.
9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn’t taste the same as at home.
10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.
I love this one. I too saw it as military humor. There were additional ones that I’ve seen. There were some that I’ve personally found. There was one that I personally stopped from becoming a write up that would have cost a lot of man-hours and a lot of money that couldn’t possibly be a problem…I’ll tell you about that one at the end. But first, this one.
Originally Military humor that keeps going around but still funny: ___________________
It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. * P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P:Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the last one… * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the midget.
In the Air Force we had the Aircraft forms and you had three different types of write ups. There was a little box in the upper left corner of the forms page where you would write the description of what the problem was and in that box you would put a symbol. Each of the three different kinds of write ups had a different kind of symbol and meant something different. A red X, meant the aircraft was grounded and couldn’t fly again until the write up was cleared. Only certain people could clear a red X. A red diagonal was a serious problem and may or may not ground the aircraft depending on what else went along with it. And then a red dash was mostly informational.
So, I was working F-4 E’s, which had the 20mm nose gun and I got a call to meet the jet because the pilot was calling in for a slow firing gun. Having worked the gun shop and the loading shop on that particular jet I knew how almost impossible that was. So, I met the jet as he taxied in and out of the back seat climbs an instructor pilot who I was familiar with. Good guy, but liked to let the trainee pilots hang themselves and not rescue them from stupid situations. So, I was pretty sure that that was what I had. Out of the front seat, slowly climbed down a 1Lt. I let the crew chief have him first while I popped the gun panel, glanced inside to make sure there weren’t a bunch of twisted parts lying everywhere and waiting my turn. Finally the IP (Instructor Pilot) pointed the lieutenant my way and I asked him what the problem was. I made him explain it to me in detail. The major was standing behind him rolling his eyes. And finally I asked him, “Sir, when you did your walk around pre-flight, did you inspect your gun?”
He looked a little startled but answered, “Well, as much as I could through that little panel. Got my starting ammo count and such. You know.”
“Right. I gotcha. Well, when you did your inspection, did you happen to notice, on the side of the 20 millimeter round, right near the top, where it says, ’20 MM’ did you notice if they were capital Ms or lower case Ms?”
And he gets this terrified look in his eyes like: NO ONE EVER TOLD ME I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE A NOTE OF THAT!!! But what he said was, very calmly, “Well, no Sargent, I didn’t notice.”
I said, “Ah, that’s probably it then. They were probably small Ms. The small Ms are the slow firing ammo and the capital Ms are the regular, fast firing ammo. We were supposed to have gotten rid of all that old slow firing stuff, but you may have gotten some of that old lot. I wouldn’t worry. It shouldn’t happen again. No problem then. Will there be anything else, sir?”
And everything would have been fine, if I hadn’t caught the major’s eye behind him. He’s got tears running down his face, he’s trying so hard to not laugh. I started to crack up and had to pretend that I went into a coughing fit. Bent over and turned away so he wouldn’t see me and then walked away coughing.
The major tracked me down later and told me it was the funniest thing he ever heard and retold that story over and over again.
Oh, to put it all in perspective…he was going to red X the aircraft, which would have required pulling the entire gun system out of the jet, completely breaking the gun system down and rebuilding it and putting it back in again. Then boresighting the gun, also. About a hundred-twenty man hours worth of labor and grounding the jet for about 5 days minimum.
And that’s it my friends. Lots of me in this one. I hope you enjoyed it.
I don’t have a lot of time, so I’m going to jump right into it. I got a bunch of eclipse stuff, so let me start with a picture that my son, the Whelpling sent to me. Taken with his Samsung Galaxy phone:
This one is also from him and his phone.
And this one is from Pop Smith who tells us that this what the eclipse looks like from Western Kentucky
And my Deputy’s daughter sent him this one
Solar eclipse over downtown Cleveland, next to the iconic Terminal Tower
And now for the other stuff…
“One of the most beautiful photos of over 73 years of life together.
In 2003, Prince Philip wore the Queen’s Guard uniform. She walks past him and busts out laughing”…….
Dog diary.
* Today my master came home, and he petted and fed me. I love my master, I love my master. * Today my master came home, and I brought him his newspaper and he petted me. I love my master, I love my master. * Today my master came home, and I brought him his slippers and newspaper and he petted me and gave me a treat. I love my master, I love my master. * Today my master came home and he threw a rubber ball to me and when I returned it and licked his face he gave me two treats. I love my master, I love my master.
Cat diary.
* Today is day 43 of my captivity. The people inside my house are growing weak . . .
I feel so bad for Joe, he writes:
I’m so depressed… I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
On Tuesday nights we have wrestling…
Bob is going to take a short walk to blow off some steam.
No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
Okay, by a show of hands, how many people knew that?
Stephen sent this to us…I’m not sure what to think…
I picked out the good ones and the last one is the best!
Just because it’s a cool picture
We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course.
Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case.
“She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body,” the teacher said.
“In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?”
While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff’s officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, “A suspect.”
Jeff beckoned to a salesman in the department store, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin that Eunice was admiring, and asked, “Excuse me young lady, how much is this dress?”
“That dress is $899.95, Sir,” sneered the rather snotty saleswoman.
“$899.95? For $99.95 I could get the same dress at the Bargain Store downtown!”
“But sir,” said the saleswoman, “You’ll find that the dress downtown is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool.”
“Jeff says, So? For $800 I should care what the lambs do at night?”
If it works, right?
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify a woman’s ultimate fantasy.
Ninety-seven point eight percent of the respondents said that a woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
I will NOT tell you who sent this to me. I wouldn’t bust a brother like that.
Know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is?
Outlaws are wanted!
And how many of the youngsters won’t get that one?
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” Explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.” We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That’s once.”
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said,” That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, “That’s once.”
AMEN!!! Amen! Amen! Amen! Amen! If you want a marriage that lasts for 20, 30, 40 years…you better be giving 100%. You both better be. And it better not feel like it.
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So… without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!
Electric vehicle owners should ONLY be allowed to charge their cars using solar and wind power, otherwise it’s just pretend.
A dog had his chain reduced one link at a time, every few days, until his chain was so short he could barely move. He never resisted because he was conditioned to the loss of his freedom slowly, over time. It’s happening to us all.
The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a cannibal tribe.
The missionary asked the cannibal chief, “Do you people know anything about religion?”
After a pause, the chief answered, “We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here.”
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”
A Poem for Seniors
Another year has passed,
And we’re a little older.
Last summer felt hotter,
And winter seems colder.
There was a time not long ago,
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand,
About ‘Living in the Past’
We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches…
Now we go to funeral homes,
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel,
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses,
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs,
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night,
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up…
Before you’re too damned old!
My mother-in-law passed out cold after blowing out all 75 candles on her birthday cake . . .
For a second there I thought my wishes had come true.
One of the things that I have been doing since Mary passed away over two years ago, is partially living out of my laundry basket.
Okay, reading back over that, it actually does sound worse than I thought it would and I thought it would sound pretty bad.
It sounds pretty bad.
Okay, the key word in that sentence is partially. Partially living out of my laundry basket. Let me see if I can explain this in such a way that you guys don’t end up calling a welfare check in on me.
Most of you know that when my dear Mary passed away, my go-to for grief is to stop eating, right? I ended up losing … well, at this point in time over 125 pounds. As of the other day 132 pounds from my heaviest to now. Not that I didn’t need to lose weight (obviously) but I did that in a matter of a couple of months. But, I did it in exactly the wrong way. To the point that Lisa, my doctor told me to either start eating or she’d put me in the hospital and force me to eat. Anyway, the point of that is that with losing so much weight, some of my clothes didn’t fit anymore, specifically my underwear and I had been having new trouble with my feet, so I had bought new socks.
I had been buying shirts and jeans to fit, but they get hung up in the closet and don’t really count and as I replaced shirts and jeans and such, they got turned in to Goodwill. But the underwear and socks, the shorts and some other clothes that don’t normally get hung up didn’t really have a home because I hadn’t cleaned out my dresser, just my closet, so the “new” underwear and socks just kind of got folded and kept in an extra laundry basket.
Well, it was getting a little out of hand and starting to pile up in the laundry basket and I had told Izzy Dragon that I needed to clean out the drawers and get all that stuff turned into Goodwill also and well, today (Saturday) was the day.
When I got into the drawers, it was mostly…socks. I have no idea what happened to all my old underwear. I could have already gotten rid of it. As you may remember, I wasn’t at my best for the first couple of months or more and well, this is what I mean by mostly socks:
That doesn’t count the socks that came out of the laundry basket. Needless to say, most of them ended up in a new box for Goodwill.
That was only part of my day. I did a tiny bit of writing, that will probably get me kicked off of Facebook, but that’s okay. I don’t mind. I wrote this:
One of my best and oldest friends, who was my barracks mate in Germany in 1981-82 and who I speak to almost every day, sent me this. I know it’s been around and been said before, but with as many so called “Christian” churches getting it wrong in these later days, perhaps it’s a good time to revisit some old lessons.
5 THINGS JESUS DID NOT SAY
1. Follow your heart.
Jesus said, “Follow me.”
2. Be true to yourself.
Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny himself…”
3. Believe in yourself.
Jesus said, “Believe in me.”
4. Live your truth.
Jesus said, “I am the truth.”
5. As long as you are happy.
Jesus said, “What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?”
I hear so many times, “I’m basically a good person, I’ll be alright. I know God just wants us all to be good.” I’ve got news for you. God just wants us all to be PERFECT!! Completely sin free. That is the ONLY way to get to Heaven — on our own. And you know what? There was only one…ONE perfect person ever born on this earth (and you and me ain’t it!) and He died on a cross so that you and I could get into Heaven WITHOUT being perfect. In fact, Jesus is the ONLY way for us to get into Heaven.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done.
It doesn’t matter how bad you’ve been, how many sins you’ve committed.
It also doesn’t matter how good you’ve been.
Jesus doesn’t care if you’re the thief on the cross or have six hospitals and a post office named after you.
Do you want to get to Heaven?
Are you TRULY repentant?
Are you truly turning away from your sins?
Do you believe that Jesus is your Lord and Savior — that He died for your sins and was resurrected?
If you are honest in that, then your life will change all on its own and you are in for a heck of a ride.
Your next step is to find a GOOD Christian church. A Bible based church. And the whole Bible, not just the parts you agree with.
Just an aside here… I hear someone say, “Well, that’s the Old Testament, that doesn’t really apply nowadays.” There are probably some of the old 613 Mitzvah (Jewish commandments) that no longer apply. I’d bet it’s okay to cut your hair at the temple now and to shave your beard.
But there are other laws having to do with marriage and sex and such that you know as well as I that are still very much in effect.
To say, as a Christian, that any part of the Bible no longer applies is to say that God made a mistake. God Does Not Make Mistakes!
“I was born in the wrong body.” — God Does Not Make Mistakes!
Any church that accepts that or allows that or says they believe that is … (say it with me) … not a Christian Church.
Okay, so let me get this out there before I get kicked off of Facebook. If you’re looking for a church, I know of a good one. Come join us on Sunday at 10 am for service or come a little earlier for fellowship and coffee (you can normally score a donut as well). There’s Men’s Breakfast on Saturday once a month and Joy Group and Bible Study and all kinds of small groups that we do to keep you as engaged and involved as you want/need to be.
We are:
Zion Chapel
915 S. Broadway
Peru, IN 46970
Hope to see you there.
So yeah, I told you the other day about the lady who had been approached by the FBI about stuff she had posted on FB. Couldn’t have been much more significant than what I just posted. Just being a Christian labels me as a religious nutcase, right? Anyway, let’s get to the fun stuff, shall we? I’ve talked enough for my opening statement. I can see the judge glaring at me from here and the prosecutor is about ready to object, although I’m pretty sure he’s not allowed to do that during my opening statement, but let’s not find out.
Yeah, I’ve been there.
Okay, raise your hand, paw, claw, or talon if you’ve ever stayed up all night because you HAD to find out how a book ended.
The Drunk Driver and the Police Officer
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After the last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” declared the man with pride. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
What a great bookshelf and a great use of space.
Gross! I’ll never sleep again!
Lots of older guys are looking to marry young women.
I know this one couple in particular. He’s about 60 and she is about 25.
Their wedding invitation was very appropriate too.
His name was in Gothic type and her name was in crayon.
A teenager who had just received her provisional driving licence offered to drive her parents to church.
After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you!”
“Anytime,” her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”
Yeah, this started off as a color by number thing on my tablet…Okay, so I was sitting in the parking lot waiting on Izzy.
One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer dinner on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished — something’s up.
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.
“We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away.
I really enjoyed the evening.”
“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.
“Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired…”
You just sort of saw that one coming, right?
Way too many of you youngsters aren’t gonna get that one… but I’m tired of doing all the work for you. You figure it out.
Sigh! Oh, alright!
I like puzzles (of all kinds) as much as the next guy, but come on!
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions. Nope
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun? Only as a way to set a trap. And only then after the hole is already dug
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that. Nope.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY. Nope
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? Nope
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party. Hmm, Maybe if we weren’t REALLY planning on going away for the weekend and I needed a good reason to catch them at something so I had slave labor for a month or so…
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. So long as your paying your own money. That’s a good object lesson. Teaches the kid how to work on his own car.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your bellyaching, and let’s go to the mall. Maybe, because I think there might be a good sarcastic object lesson in there somewhere.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. That one is just way too darn funny.
1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal. I can’t really picture me saying that under ANY circumstances.
“And her spirit remains…”
Visiting my sister for a few days in Chicago last fall, I decided to get her a thank you gift for staying there.
I visited a new shopping mall and approached a great looking gal in the women’s department.
“I’d like to buy some gloves for a gift for my sister,” I said eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in mine while flashing me a big devilish smile. “Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.
“Now that you mention it,” I replied, “I think she also needs a bra and panties.”
Two women were bemoaning the state of the National Health Service.
One said, “Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?”
“That’s appalling,” said the other woman. “What a terrible way to treat someone of that age.”
“I know,” said the first woman. “It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, ‘Mum, do you really need bigger boobs?'”
Hmm, that might be a bit of a stretch…
And another one that the youngsters won’t get.
Ted sent this to me and it is fantastic!
Isn’t that awesome?
I didn’t know that…and found it very weird.
The Original…how it all started.
Proverbs of the 3rd Millennium
* Home is where you hang your @.
* The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
* You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
* Great groups from little icons grow.
* Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
* In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
* Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
* Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
* The modem is the message.
* Too many clicks spoil the browse.
* The geek shall inherit the earth.
* Don’t byte off more than you can view.
* Fax is stranger than fiction.
* What boots up must come down.
* Windows will never cease.
* Virtual reality is its own reward.
* Modulation in all things.
* There’s no place like your homepage.
* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks
If you ever see kids selling lemonade in your neighborhood, stop and buy a cup or two. They have more ambition than the majority of adults in today’s workforce.
Okay, I can honestly say that it wouldn’t be the worst thing I’ve ever done.
A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous cheques she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
“The children came over in person to thank me,” the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in behavior?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied. “This year I didn’t sign the cheques.”
The Top Ten Things Men Know *FOR SURE* About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. They have boobs.
10. Some have BIG boobs.
TYPES OF WOMEN
HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access.
SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Woman: Also known as “WIFE”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will loose something and if you don’t try to uninstall her you will be rendered useless…
I don’t know what this is, but we obviously have some serious craftsmanship here.
Left- 1980 Toyota pickup. 40 years later a Toyota pickup. Both 1/2 ton trucks.
The Wat Shamphran, a Buddhist temple. Magnificent architecture in Bangkok, Thailand
Size of a Moose.
The largest creature to ever exist, the blue whale, beside a tourist boat.
And with that, I’m gonna call it done. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Until next time…
First deployed in August of 1956, these are still the best tankers in the Air Force. For more reasons than I can talk about here. That makes them 68 years old this year. So, my question is, why are we not just taking the dies, and making brand new KC-135s? You know, if you go down to Mexico, you can get brand new 1967 Ford Mustangs. Because the Ford motor company sold the dies to Mexico.
Okay, so I’m not sure the year and the make is exactly right, but the idea is. You get the idea.
Why can’t we do the same thing with these jets? They are so good in so MANY ways, the only problem they are really having is they are old. They still work better and are better designed than the newer ones. I don’t get it.
Anyway, it was on my mind this morning and thought I’d try to spell it out.
How is everyone doing?
Today is Saturday and it has been an interesting week. The things this dragon has been through this week…. WOW!
I actually went to the …
Wait!
You guys better sit down first for this one.
I don’t want anyone to get hurt.
Put your coffee down, I don’t want to be responsible for any ruined computer screens or anything else.
Okay, everyone ready?
I actually had to go to the local Social Security office yesterday morning to conduct some business for my brother’s estate and I was in and out of there in less than ten minutes.
I KNOW, RIGHT!
I was amazed. The guy who helped me was polite, cracked a joke, was really helpful. I kept waiting for Rod Serling to step out from off stage,
Because it would end up being just like that, right?
Anyway, more to follow, but let’s get this party started first…
One of the most irritating things for me right now is the whole eclipse thing that is happening on Monday. You have the “religious” community that is making stuff up about how the last three eclipses are all now lining up for some final sign from God and forming some Jewish or Greek or Hebrew or Martian word across the face of the Earth. (It doesn’t) Plus it’s passing over 17 cities named Joshua or Salem or Stanley or something (It doesn’t do that either) and due to scripture (that they get wrong) it proves other stuff in scripture (that also doesn’t exist). And I’m sure after the 4.8 magnitude quake centered in my old stomping ground of central New Jersey, that’s just going to add to the whole thing.
Then we’ve got my other community, the Emergency Management guys, who are claiming that we all need to declare a state of emergency, declare martial law, and be prepared for the zombie apocalypse all for an event that, from absolute possible start to finish will last all of 2 hours and 31 minutes.
And then we have the Governors of states actually declaring actual state of emergency over this thing!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!
Now THIS explanation, is actually the TRUE explanation and people need to know!
See! Nothing to worry about.
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. “Noah took unto himself a wife,” he began, “and she was” – he turned the page to continue – “three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high.”
He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again.
Then he looked up at his congregation and said, “I’ve been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that still amaze me.”
We win more often than you’d think.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
“Thou shall not kill.”
Pop Smith wrote to me and told me not to be so verbose in my speech. Then he sent me this.
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.
She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
“How much is it?” she asked.
“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. “But it comes with an inscription,” he said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'”
“OH, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”
Daddy – Expert level
What do you call a bricklayer that mixes cement with a pitch fork? . . . A mortar forker
The Wicked Witch of The West’s little sister – Wanda
Sara Lee today announced a 40% jump in earnings last quarter and they say it came primarily from their clothing division.
Sara Lee owns Playtex underwear.
What a brilliant business plan this company has.
First, they sell you cheesecake and pie, and then when you split your underpants, they sell you more stuff. – Jay Leno
“Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one’s self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily.”
–Thomas Szasz (1920- 2012)
I can’t help but think that this is not going to end well for these guys.
My aunt learned how to live with her husband’s sleepwalking.
She gave him a vacuum.
Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You…
10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
9. She’s been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don’t recall proposing to her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
7. She says she has to tell you something… on Jerry Springer.
6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. Whenever she introduces you it’s always “I would like you to meet an old friend of mine…”
4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies her- self by both her first and last names.
3. Your other girlfriend told you so.
2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, “You haven’t got a clue, do you?”
When the store manager returned from lunch, he was surprised to see that his clerk’s hand was bandaged.
Before having the chance to ask him what had happened, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that horribly ugly suit we’ve had for so long.”
“Are you referring to that repulsive orange and brown, double-breasted thing?” asked the manager.
“That’s the one, sir,” replied the clerk.
“That’s great!” exclaimed the manager. “I was afraid we’d never get rid of that horrid monstrosity! That had to have been the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But, tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh, that,” the clerk replied. “Well, after I sold the guy the suit, his darn guide dog bit me!”
Anybody have any doubt how that would work out? About as well as the U.N. sending troops to New York and New Jersey to help with Earthquake clean up.
This is so true! We’re paying almost $4 a gallon again!
Oh how the times have changed
Benz Patent Motorwagen- the world’s first automobile.
First Edition of Monopoly (1906)
Hiroshima in 1945 vs 2020
My grandma has owned these glasses for 36 years. Turns out that they are solid gold with Ruby.
Muhammad Ali poses with his winnings during a photo-shoot in 1964.
Very funny…when humor was actually funny.
Every night, my wife calls me to dinner exactly the same way: “Dinner’s on the table — come and guess it!”
Nope. I wouldn’t think that went over well at all.
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Oh so very true!!!
A busy nurse was pre-interviewing a new patient who was airing his woes about his sex life with his new girlfriend to her.
“After the first, I’m tired. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal.”
” Well hell, why don’t you just quit after the first?” inquired our now interested and concerned nurse.
“How can I do that?” said the patient. ” She lives on the third floor.”
Oh, how many times have I done THAT!!!
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:
“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being — a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, “I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”
So very, very true. I have actually raced home in order to get to a book that I knew was waiting for me.
That is it for today my friends. Until next time, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness, Comfort and Strength until we can meet again.
Dragon Laffs 