Yeah, I know, it’s a weird header.  My mind was wondering and I was on the phone with a couple of different people while I was working on it and that’s what ended up coming out.  It started out being cute with the two dragons and as I talked with the people the graffiti popped up subconsciously because I was feeling unwanted and put-upon I think. 

LOL!  Self-analyzing a header.  Ain’t that sumpin’ .  Anyway, It’s been a strange day already today.  Things are moving in a weird direction for me, so I want to just jump right into the fun stuff and try and get my mind off the weird stuff.  How does that sound to you guys?

Sherlock Holmes’s sister, Ella, was a bit confused–not that she suffered from dementia or anything–she simply was a bit “blonde.”

She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.

One day Sherlock’s sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening.

When she left, Sherlock’s assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, “I didn’t know Patsy was studying the piano.”

To which Holmes replied, “Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson.”

One thing Larry says about his wife, she’s a very neat housekeeper.

If he drops his socks on the floor, she picks them up. 

If he throws his clothes around, she hangs them up. 

Larry got up at three o’clock the other morning and went in the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice. 

He came back and found the bed made. 

My mom was that way.  It was ridiculous.  She cleaned the house from top to bottom every single day.  Dusting, vacuuming, I mean everything.  To the point of moving the couch out of the way and vacuuming under it … every … day.  Well, every day until the alcohol took over.  When I came home on leave for the first time, I found myself smoking a LOT more than I was used to because I had no idea how much I WAS smoking because every single time I put a cigarette out in the ashtray she would jump up, take the ashtray into the kitchen and empty it into the garbage can.  How do YOU spell OCD?

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. 

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. 

The mother told her son,  “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.”

Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad. 

His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” 

Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother,  “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks,  the dumber he gets!” 

Yeah, that’s why I just throw the loose items in the cart.  Let the cashier work it out.

 

 

 

Just some random video clips from my last vacation.

The top ten reasons God made women

10.  God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn’t ask for directions.
9.  God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don’t want to see what’s ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8.  God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment.
7.  God knew that when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6.  God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5.  God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4.  As “keeper of the garden,” Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3.  Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.  (It really was Adam’s fault)
2.  As the Bible says: “It is not good for man to be alone.”
And the No. 1 reason of all . . .
1.  God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: “I can do better than that”

This one was a little further down in the reel above, so if you didn’t scroll like I normally do you would have missed it and it’s GREAT!  Although I think it’s a set up, otherwise, how could the camera have been in just the right spot, but still…

Yup, True statement

I just got skylights put in my place. 

The people who live above me are furious. 

See!  This!  This, right here!  This is why I don’t do plumbing!

And suddenly, there were drums?  How does that make any sense at all?

It will only work once

Maryland Law

Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2  for each offense. I don’t know…that seems a tad excessive to me.

I just HAVE to wonder how many will get that one.

Yeah, I get it, just about all of my doctors are now younger than I am.

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. “You see,” he explained, “my wife`s expecting.” 

“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.” 

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife`s expecting.” 

The Officer looked surprised. “Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off.” 

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. “Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he bellowed. 

“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She`s still expecting.” 

“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the Officer. 

“Me.” said the soldier simply. 

In case you can’t read it:

ORIGINS OF US STATE NAMES
Red is Name of a Monarch or Person
Green is Derived from Native American Name
Blue is Derived from European Words
Yellow is Derived from Names of Other Places
Blue/Green is European modification of native names
Gray is unknown
Purple is Possibly Invented

I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. 

We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. 

We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.

Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening. 

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth. 

Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that? 

She replied, “After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. 

It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well.”

Here we go again…I still think that for Indiana, Gnaw Bone or Tin Cup is so much odder than Santa Claus.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string. 

2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler. 

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods. 

4. Their proud boast: “We’ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.” 

5. Their promo materials use the words “information” and “superhighway” in the same sentence. 

6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks “Would you like fries with that?” 

7. “As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.”

8. “Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.” 

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners. 

10. They charge by the word. 

Faith doesn’t always take you out of the problem,
Faith takes you through the problem.
Faith doesn’t always take away the pain, 
Faith gives you the ability to handle the pain.
Faith doesn’t always take you out of the storm,
Faith calms you in the midst of the storm.

Amen

Our three-year-old daughter, Abby, was having trouble sleeping through the night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe. 

The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom. Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear away and help her fall asleep. 

“Oh, yes,” she assured me. “He told me to come and get you!” 

What in hotdog central is that thing?

Can you believe that someone would believe such complete and utter moronic nonsense?  First of all, you can simply look at it and see that it would never fit in a normal…or even abnormal syringe and second, you can plainly see, it’s a valve out of a tire valve stem!!!!  Please people, if you’re going to lie, at LEAST TRY to make it believable!!!!

These are really starting to get out of hand!

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

 “No.”

“Then why in God’s name did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and  said, “What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle says ‘Polish Remover’?”

Sam Gold made an appointment with a urologist, famous for his work in the field of impotence.

The doctor examined him and said, “You’re in remarkably good condition for a man of 85. Why are you here?”

Sam replied, “My friend Max says he has sex twice a week. I can’t do that.”

The doctor shrugged. “Yes you can. You can certainly say you have sex as many times a week as you like.”

And yet another example of why this dragon does NOT plumb.

I love the clips with this lady hearing the jokes!

As any good house should be

And this next one is absolutely wonderful!  The perfect dragon rant, but I didn’t write it!

ARE YOU “GOING GREEN”

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained,
“We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
The young clerk responded, That’s our problem today. 
Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”
 

She was right — our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in our day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles, and beer bottles to the store. 
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilized, and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.
So they really were recycled.
 

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable, besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. 
This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. 
Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown bag.
 

But we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. 
We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
 

But she was right.  We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. 
We dried clothes on a line — not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. 
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
 

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. 
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of  Montana. 
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. 
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. 
Back then we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn.  We used a push mower that ran on human power.
We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
 

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. 

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. 
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
 

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then people took the streetcar, or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” 
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. 
And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space to find the nearest burger joint.
 

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

 

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person…

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off . . . especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.  Or reading an analog clock or driving a stick shift or….

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way.

See, I can never get past 3 or maybe 4

A woman goes to the local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. 

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?” 

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?” 

“Yes, granddaughter, it’s me.” 

“It’s really, really you, Grandmother?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.” 

The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, Grandmother?”

“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.” 

The woman pauses a moment and says, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.” 

“Anything, my child.” 

“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?” 

See, and that’s why we need adults to be in charge.

George telephoned the FBI and got a special agent on the line.

“What can I do for you, sir,” asked the Fed.

“I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail,” said George. “That’s against the law, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” said the government man. “Do you know who’s been writing them?”

“Yeah,” said George. “My girlfriend’s husband.”

Kinda saw that one coming.  It was either gonna be that or the IRS.

And that’s it my friends.  I had a lot of fun with this one.  I hope you had a lot of fun reading it.  Be well, until we meet again.

I think we should be more concerned with AI.  Microsoft, Google, everyone is trying to force it on us.  Even the writing group I’m thinking of working with is trying to get everyone to use AI for assistance in their writing!  Well, then isn’t that then the computer doing the writing?  Everything that I write comes from my own head and fingers, not from me punching a button and letting a computer write the words.  

And now we’re talking about letting AI make decisions as far as policy and such goes?  I don’t think so.  

The flip side to look at is that Israel has AI to thank (mostly) for their “Iron Shield” which took down the 300+ missiles and drones that Iran launched at them. 

There are positive uses. 

The problem is, there are an AWFUL lot of negative ones and the possibility of harm and evil is WAY too likely…in my opinion.

I’d like to know what you guys think.

In the meantime…

Hey, me too!

Where Did The Phrase Smart Aleck Come From?

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.  

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, “I would like to see one of the zoos in America.”

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo.  They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper.  He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man’s friend.  The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, “Okay, which gorilla did it?  Was it the male or the female?”  The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit.  Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, “Guess the Czech is in the male.”

On February 2, 1905, American philosopher and writer (Russian-born) Alissa Zinovievna, better known in the literary world as Ayn Rand, was born in St. Petersburg, died in March 1982 in New York.

 

THESE WERE HER WORDS:

When you notice that to produce you need to get permission from those who do not produce anything; when you check that money flows to those who do not deal with goods but with favors; when you realize that many become rich by the bribery and for influence more than by your work and that the laws do not protect you against them, but on the contrary, they are the ones who are protected against you; when you discover that corruption is rewarded and honesty becomes a self-sacrifice, then you can assert, without fear of being wrong, that your society is doomed

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
“May those who love you be secure.
May there be peace within your walls
and security within your citadels.”  ~ Psalms 122: 6-7 NIV

Just in case you were wondering what the Bible reference was.  David exhorting visitors to Jerusalem to pray for the city.

That is such a cool picture, especially when you start noticing the details…the clothes (the son has on a pumpkin shirt in both pictures!!) he has a baby blanket under his bottom in both pictures, etc.

This is uncle Ho.  He has a bit of Oriental Dragon in him, as you can readily see.  He works as a chef in a very fine restaurant in New York.  His specialty is Fiery Chicken 

This was sent in by Lynn.  It’s unclear whether it’s her personal story or someone else’s.  Regardless, it’s somebody’s story and it just goes to prove the point we’ve been saying all along.  The whole electric car push is not going to work.

EV

Buy an electric car they say. Get rid of fossil fuel they say. I rented an EV to drive to Rochester. Kid at Enterprise says “you’ll be fine to drive to Rochester and back.”

Got to hotel, it had a charging station, car showed 70 miles left on batteries. Plug car in for $5 and got barely any charge at all. Get up this morning, drive to where I was working, very evident I’m not getting home without having to stop somewhere.

Finish job, time to head towards home…Jump on thruway, they have these fancy new rest stops! I’ll be good! Driving down Thruway and the car tells me hey there’s a charging station coming up! Wahoo!

Get off thruway at one of these fancy new rest stops (that replaced the perfectly fine old rest stops.) Pull up to a bank of 8 EV chargers to plug my car in, I’ll charge up and be on my way! Wrong….none of the plugs fit this car (A Hyundai). Because why would you make all EV plugs universal?!

Get back on thruway with 20 miles left on my “tank” and only 78 miles to go to get to Syracuse. Drive 8 miles to next exit get off thruway drive 10 miles off thruway so I could sit for a half an hour to charge up.

This charging station had more different variations of plugs, this time luckily it had one that fit my car. Not sure what you do after that if it didn’t fit… anyway… Put in $16.33 worth of electricity which got me a “half a tank”.

Pulled into the airport with 30 miles left on my batteries. Yeah I’ll run right out and buy one!

 No wonder no one wants all the EV trucks that are sitting on lots everywhere. Moral of story. Every single gas pump nozzle in America fits in my gas tank.

And if my VERY rough estimates on costs are anywhere NEAR correct, the author was paying about 18¢ a mile for electricity, where I pay roughly 14¢ a mile in my beat up 11 year-old Equinox.  I could be very wrong and the author could have made many more trips. 

Okay, so I thought…if there was only some place I could go and look this information up…as I type on my laptop that is connected to the internet … some place where information like that is readily available … Yeah, I’m a little tired this morning.  So, my figures above must be wrong because everything I checked online says that EV cost per mile is about 3 to 5 cents and my gasoline price was dead on.

It had been predicted!!!

From the book Dumbing Down Our Kids, by Charles J. Sykes, 1995 (almost 30 years ago), and is directed at high school and college graduates.

Rule 1:
Life is not fair – get used to it.  (I have been preaching this one for longer than that!)

Rule 2:
The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:
You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.  (As an E-1 in the Air Force, I made $5,000 a year right out of high school!)

Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. (Try a Drill Sergeant!)

Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity.  (Nothing is beneath your dignity when you are providing for your family)

Rule 6:
If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.  (Take responsibility)

Rule 7:
Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rainforest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8:
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades, and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!

Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Indiana, Evansville  Law

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

That is an awesome picture in so many ways!

I wonder what they are doing now?

It should

These next ones are from Joe in NJ.  Most of them, as the Old E indicates, are oldies. And you’ll notice right off that I don’t say that they are oldies, but goodies.  And you’ll also notice right off that I am quick to blame them on Joe from NJ.

 

QUICKIES

1. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

17. Every calendar’s days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to- know basis.

28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

31. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

32. Hear about the man who ran into a screen door and strained himself.

I really love that one.  It’s so simple and elegant.

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn’t speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the parts, but the sheep farmer yelled, “No! Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They’re delicious and we call them ‘sheep fries’.”

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the ‘sheep fries’ were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of ‘sheep fries’. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, “You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren’t very many ‘sheep fries’ this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell.”

Doesn’t coffee look expensive to you?

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.

The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts.

At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them… “Moosellaneous.”

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when the subject of (what else,) sex came up. 

Now Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says “Last night I made love to my wife three times!  

This morning, she was so happy she made me my favorite breakfast of eggs and grits.” 

Now Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin Billy-Bob, he says, “That’s nothing.  

Last night I made love to my wife five times.  She was so happy, she not only made me my favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy, she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another man.” 

Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. 

Finally, I just said in a quiet voice, “I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn’t fix me anything for breakfast.” 

Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me, “Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?” 

“Just two words,” I answered. “Don’t stop”

What a GREAT picture!!! Once there, always there!!

From Joe in NJ, 40 Random and Amazing Historical Photographs!  Some of them are pretty cool.  All of them are kind of esoteric.  

You know I laughed at that one and then thought about it and realized how much truth there is in it.

Faith is believing what we do not see. The reward of this faith is to see what we believe.

-St. Augustine (birth unknown, died c. 604)

I wonder how many won’t get that one

’bout right

So when Trump takes out a loan and pays it back with interest it’s a crime, but when you take out a student loan and don’t pay it back, the Biden forgives the loan, steals money from the taxpayers to pay it back it’s not a crime.  Sure, that makes perfect sense to me.

What?!?!

Biden fired over 7,000 military men because they refused the (so-called) vaccine…then proceeded to bring 10 million unvetted, unchecked, unvaccinated illegal alien strangers into our country and spread them to all 50 states.  What a hypocritical, lying piece of garbage.

Imagine we lived in a world where all the cars we ever had were EVs.  And then suddenly, along comes a new invention, the “Internal Combustion Engine!”
Think how well they would sell!
A vehicle half the weight, half the price, that will do almost a quarter of the damage to the road.  A vehicle that can be refuelled in 1/10th of the time and has a range of up to 4 times the distance in all weather conditions.  It does not rely on the environmentally damaging use of non-renewable rare earth elements to power it, and uses far less steel and other materials.

Just think how excited people would be for such technology!  It would sell like hot cakes!

Okay, I have to get this off my chest.  I know it’s an election year.  And I know I’m a generous Dragon, at least I try to be, and for some worthy causes that I believe in, (most of them involving wounded, disabled, homeless or dead Veterans or the families thereof and children that can’t help themselves and a couple of pet charities of my own) I don’t mind getting mailings asking me for money.  I do NOT give to political candidates as a rule.  Mostly because I haven’t found one yet that is worth giving to.  Here lately I have gotten a TON of “Surveys” from this Republican Group or that Republican Organization.  All of them say basically the same thing and all of them ask the same identical, asinine, childish, sixth-grade questions that you have to be an absolute MORON to say no to.  [Although I will say that I did get one today that out of the standard 20 questions this one today DID have one new question on abortion that I didn’t expect since that is usually such a hot button for so many people].  The questions are always like:  Do you agree that it is the responsibility for all the Congressman to make balancing the budget and lowering taxes a high priority?  And then the three choices are:  Yes, I agree, No, I disagree, or I don’t know.

Come on!  Really?  ISN’T THAT ACTUALLY IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION???? 

Or another question is:  Please pick the top 10 things you are most concerned about so we know what we should be concentrating on.  And then there are only like 13 choices and at least one of them is way out in left field.  The equivalent of “baking cookies”. 

And it’s all a lead in to making you feel bad if you don’t give them money.  It’s obvious that they couldn’t care less about your answers, because if they did, they’d ask REAL HONEST SERIOUS QUESTIONS.  Not stupid, moronic questions that a 4th grader could tell you what the answer is without even knowing what the real problems are anyway!  Which just goes to show how stupid they really think we are.  

And we must be because it must work because if it didn’t work they wouldn’t keep doing it.  So, someone is sending them a boatload of money.  They have these great little blanks:  Yes Charles, I can send you:  $10,000 ___, $5,000 ___, $2,500___, $1,000___, $750___, $500 🙂 ___, (that was supposed to be a smiley face next to the $500 like that’s the sweet spot or something) and they keep going all the way down to $34 ___ (and they throw in the little jab) that’s just $1 for each of our Republican Congressman who’s up for election this year (with the implication being your a cheap bastard at that amount) and the final block of: or my best gift of: $___.

Come on!  There’s more psychology involved in those last couple of paragraphs then in the rest of the whole mailing combined!

I swear, if I had one candidate who wrote to me and said, “Look.  Yeah, I need your money, but that’s not why I’m writing.  I’m not sending you a premade form or anything else.  I’m just hoping that you’ll write back to me and tell me, in your own words, what it is that’s got you concerned.  Here’s what I’m concerned about and what I’m planning on working on if I’m elected.  But I’m here to represent you, so I’m really going to need to know what YOU’RE concerned about.  Won’t you write back to me and let me know, in your own words, what you’re worried about and what you think I can do to help.  Even better I’m going to be at this meeting hall on this date and we can sit and talk and ask questions for as long as you’d like.  There’ll be coffee and maybe some donuts or something and we can talk and ask questions all night if that’s what it takes.  I think if he or she were honest about it and meant it, I’d vote for that person in a heartbeat.  But when you make it so patently obvious that all you are really after is my money and couldn’t care less what I really need.  I ain’t got time for you.

Alright, I’ve been thinking about that all day, so now, back to the show…

Surround yourself with people who fight for you in rooms you aren’t in.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, “When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that.”

The student looked up and replied, “Well you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE……

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

3. Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”.

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn’t call 911because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered “C.”

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M’s because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby’s diaper only once a month because the label said “good up to 20 pounds.”

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes.

Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, ‘Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?’

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

‘No, sir,’ the driver responded, ‘I have never seen you before.’

Then he explained: ‘This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles.

This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation.

The ink- spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer.

Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.’

‘This is truly amazing!’ the writer exclaimed. ‘You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!’

‘There is one other thing,’ the driver said.

‘What is that?’

‘Your name is on the front of your suitcase.’

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? 

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. 

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”  

She looked and sure enough, they were.  It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on — this time on the right feet. 

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” 

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. 

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” 

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” 

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…” 

Her trial starts next week. 

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents?

“Was that all you wanted?” Tim replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!”

Top 5 reasons why computers must be female

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

Top 5 reasons why computers must be male

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they’ve already invested so much in the damn machine that they’re compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that’s the only time you have their attention.

Maine, Freeport Law

Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city

And that’s it, my friends.  Until next time.

Well, as I explained on Monday.  I’m sorry that I worried you guys.  I really did send you a message here on DL telling you that I’d be absent for a little while, so again, I’m really sorry.

So, the idea here is to put together an episode for Thursday.  Getting ready for this last week of war, I pushed back all kinds of appointments, some of which are coming due THIS week, so it’s all winding down, but it’s a little busy.  I’ve got a doctor appointment, a dentist appointment and a counselor appointment with Izzy.  Plus the jail ministry on Wednesday night.  So, let’s jump into the fun stuff and see where we go from there, shall we?

So, Leah D. sent this to me…awhile ago now, but it is still really interesting…

We          Are          EVERYWHERE!!!

Coffee isn’t enough today,
I need to be struck by lightning.

Why, oh why is it always Bob that gets picked on?

An American enters a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands.  He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, “I have ten million dollars with me.  I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!”

The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, “Sir, there’s no need to whisper.  Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”

Where Did the Phrase “Smart Alec” Come From? 

Well, click it and find out!!!

That is the honest truth!  And … AND if you are in the Midwest AND an Emergency Manager by trade (Impish Dragon) you are also trying to get closer so you can get a better photograph.

Yeah, I got nothing…mostly because I’m falling asleep here.

Okay, so now it’s Tuesday night…a lot have changed in 24 hours.  I have new teeth!  I got the bottoms today.  The partial came in and I’m eating for real for the first time.  Okay, so they pinch like the devil right now, because they are new, but I gots teef!  

I just read this on line and it purports to be a true story, even though I heard a very similar “tall tale” many years ago…

A friend just shared this, Too funny!

MONTANA STATE TROOPER

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.

About 3 AM one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana.

He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver’s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.

The car’s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.

The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, “PULL OVER!”

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don’t have a sense of humor.

Well, having worked for the State Troopers for several years, I know for a fact that most of them have a sense of humor…it’s a really screwy sense of humor, dark, like most cops, but they’ve got one.

You know, sometimes I have that exact same problem.

That one is from Stephanie

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.  None of my friends pee when they see me.  I’m surrounded by fakes.

Hunting and fishing is very popular where I live…

Bank teller:  Your account is overdrawn.

Me:  Well, so are your eyebrows, but here we are.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV:  “Don’t go in there!  Don’t go in the church, you moron!”

She’s watching our wedding video again.

And that is not even the worst thing that I was forced to do.

Me:  Mom, let me introduce you to my girlfriend.  

Mom:  You couldn’t find anyone better?  

Me:  Leave her alone!  I love her!  

Mom:  Keep quiet!  I’m speaking to her.

Y’all did see that one coming, right?

Dear God, fix me when I’m the problem and protect me when I’m not.

I’m really beginning to like her writing.  I was sent something else by her that hit me pretty hard.  She’s got a nice, tight writing style that I really like.  Nothing like my own, mind you … but I like it.

Did a little mechanics work today.

Put a rear end in a recliner.

That is one BIG lizard!  and I should know.

That is adorable, but they are going to have to scrub that poor baby’s whole body to get rid of that lipstick.  LOL!

My sentiments exactly!  Out of all the truly wonderful people this country has produced, year after year it comes down to two people the PARTY picks for us to choose from.  Two people who, under normal circumstances, you probably wouldn’t be comfortable sharing a meal with.  Oh, how we have fallen so far.  We let our employees control us so badly.  Yes, they are OUR employees.  They are supposed to work for us.  Not the other way around.

And now a $20 minimum wage for food service workers, driving small business owners out of business and the price of eating out through the ROOF.  That’s the problem when none of these people have ever actually lived in reality. 

I’ve ran restaurants and cooked in so many of them around the world that I’ve lost count (you try keeping a family of 4 happy and healthy on an Airman’s salary!  I ALWAYS had a part-time job cooking somewhere, everywhere I was stationed).  You DO NOT get customers in the door and thus increase profits and also thus improve the economy by having to raise prices to cover the cost of being a MORON.  You do it by offering a better product at a better price with better service.  Which is why every restaurant I ever ran made more money after I got there than before.  I could lecture on customer service all day long. 

My little Dragonette is quitting her job at Dollar General because they are idiots.  They treat their employees like garbage.  Their managers aren’t leaders and motivators, heck, they’re not even managers.  They denigrate and harass the employees and do nothing to stand up to the area supervisors who also should be leading and guiding and not doing the exact same thing that the managers are doing.  They have no idea AT ALL how to actually run a convenience store.  Do you have any idea how much money those places could make if they were run the correct way?  If they actually cared about their customers and employees first?  They are way too busy spending dollars to save dimes that they can’t see past their own noses. 

Okay, I can feel my fire rising in my belly.  I will spend the rest of the day ranting on this topic if I don’t move on ….. RIGHT ….. NOW!!!!!

But there is so much more to say… 

I said move on!  NOW! 

Okay….

That one may have belonged better in the Political Section.

This next one was sent in by Leah D.  It’s really kinda cute.  She sent it with the subject line of: Today’s Dating Scene?

My only question is that I really wanted to know which one she picked in the end?

A bit nerdy, but pretty cool technology for those of us who are into this sort of stuff:

Too late.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Franklin P. Jones  (1853-1935)

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”

Shouting back, the woman replies, “For crying out loud, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour that I’ll be ready in a minute!

Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us.  When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved.  “She was an angel,” I informed her.

“Really?” she questioned.

“Yes, really.  A perfect angel.”  I assured her.

“I just don’t understand.  Whenever she is with you she is well behaved.  Whenever she is at home, she is a monster.  She misbehaves for everyone else.  In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class.  How come she always behaves for you?”

My sister in law asked. “I don’t know.  I guess I just have a way with children.  I also try to educate them as well.  A child is never too young to learn.”  I answered.

“What do you mean.  What did you teach her?” She inquired.

“Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process.  I explained this concept very carefully to her.”  I informed my sister-in-law.

“Really?  You explained this to her at 13?”  She asked dumbfounded.

“Well actually she was much younger when I explained this.  She now understands death perfectly.  Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it much more effective.”

Wow!  That is SO Wrong!

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT….

– she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
– she thought a quarterback was a refund
– she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order
– she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
– she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
– under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked   On Phonics”
– she tried to drown a fish
– she tripped over a cordless phone
– she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box  because it said  “concentrate”
– she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make  up her mind
– she got stabbed in a shoot-out
– she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and   “DON’T WALK”
– she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
– if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change  back
– they had to burn the school down to get her out of third  grade
– she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
– at the bottom of the application where it says “sign   here”.. she put “Sagittarius”
– she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
– it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
– if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless
– she studied for a blood test – and failed
– she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
– she sold the car for gas money
– when she saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
– when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the  home, she moved
– she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
– when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice  instead
– when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home

Hey, it’ll work!

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

“After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn’t you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?” the defense attorney prompted.

“Yes,” she replied, “I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him.”

“And when was that?”

“When he asked for his second cup.”

Or… well, you could probably name a bunch of other places also, right?  All of you must admit that the world is falling apart at the seams.

Joe called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

“But I could be dead by then!”

“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

This one is outstanding!

And that is it my friends.  I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.  Until Saturday…

I was just coming on here to start Thursday’s issue and I thought, gee, after all the messages that I’ve gotten wondering if I’m alright and hoping everything is alright, I ought to write a quick note and say, “what?  Don’t you guys read the notes I send anymore?”  And I go to the website and there it is…

NOTHING!!!!

See, last week, the Air Force, in its infinite wisdom, decided to start the inspection/exercise at my base like five days early!  And still run it through the weekend.  So Impish, being the great guy that he is, grabs his phone, whips out a quick message to all you guys apologizing for not being able to post again until this coming Thursday because of the Air Force and I haven’t been on my laptop ever since!  And tonight, Monday, after working 14+ hour shifts since like LAST Monday (non-stop) have all these messages and emails wondering if I’m still alive.  BECAUSE THE FAST POST THAT I SENT NEVER POSTED!!!!

Ain’t modern technology grand?

I’m so sorry my friends.  Yes, I am fine.  All is well.  Other than the fact that this dragon is frazzled and razzled and a bit ding-donged.  It has been a monster week.

I am going to try to put something together for Thursday and let you guys know how things went.  I’ve got a million emails to catch up on and some doctor appointments and stuff to catch up on, but the good news is that the Exercise is OVER!!!  And we SHOULD have passed the inspection portion of it.  I’ll be real surprised if we didn’t.  I was part of the grading process and from everything that I saw, it went fine.

Anyway, let me get this posted before someone figures out to call the local cops to do a welfare check on me.  Someone would figure out that they just saw me the other day and wonder if something happened and you’all would start a local panic around here.

Thank you my friends for caring.  I am TRULY BLESSED!

Impish