It’s a big weekend.  Father’s Day is tomorrow, yesterday would have been the 14th anniversary of Leprechaun Laffs is our brother Lethal had survived his wounds.  And Monday is the 18th anniversary of Dragon Laffs.  Needless to say, it’s a pretty a big party weekend around Dragon Laffs headquarters.  I’m trying really hard to get this issue done on Friday night and I can’t find a sober goblin or a straight fae anywhere around this place.

I think there’s actually a passed out editor under a table that I’m going to need in just a little while.  I’m going to need to find a big bucket with ice water and another big bucket of coffee.  So, let’s go ahead and get the laughter going while I try to sober some of these…

HEY!  Watch out for that drunk guy on the floor!  Stop stepping on him on purpose!  Well, yeah, if you want to draw on him with permanent marker, that’s okay. Yes, I think glasses on an owl bear is very funny.  Ha, ha. 

Sheesh, see what I mean.  There’s going to be an entire weekend of this.  There usually is.  But it doesn’t normally line up with Father’s Day and an election year.  There’s a Biden effigy burning in the dining room and a Trump effigy burning on the balcony and a couple of others that I don’t even recognize.  Yeah, we pretty much detest all politicians around here.  We were really liking a couple of people and following them pretty close but they all kind of dropped out…as we knew they would because they couldn’t stand up to the machines.

HEY!  NO!  WE DO NOT DO THAT STUFF AROUND HERE!  YOU WANT TO PULL THAT KIND OF STUFF AND SHOVE YOUR NAKED BUTT IN SOMEONE’S FACE JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE PASSED  OUT AND YOU’LL BE LOOKING FOR A JOB SOMEWHERE ELSE AND ONLY THEN IF YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE FASTER THAN I CAN BREATH FIRE!  YOU UNDERSTANDING ME BUDDY??!!!  

Everyone in my employ is protect by me whether they are conscious and upright or they are passed out drunk and they all know it.  That’s one of the reasons they feel free enough to cut loose when they have the opportunity because most times I work their butts off.  Laughter is hard work around here.

Anyway, I’m going to go make the rounds while you guys laugh for a little bit.

I’m not sure if I’ve recently used this next one or whether I’ve just recently read this next one.  So, I’m going to run it again, because I know I didn’t have the picture to go with it.  So, if you’ve seen it from me recently than I apologize.  If you haven’t seen it from me recently, than thanks to Leah D.

According to a 19th century legend, the Truth and the Lie meet one day. The Lie says to the Truth: “It’s a marvelous day today”! The Truth looks up to the skies and sighs, for the day was really beautiful.

They spend a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well. The Lie tells the Truth: “The water is very nice, let’s take a bath together!” The Truth, once again suspicious, tests the water and discovers that it indeed is very nice. They undress and start bathing. Suddenly, the Lie comes out of the water, puts on the clothes of the Truth and runs away. The furious Truth comes out of the well and runs everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The World, seeing the Truth naked, turns its gaze away, with contempt and rage.

The poor Truth returns to the well and disappears forever, hiding therein, its shame. Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society, because, the World, in any case, harbors no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.

The world famous painting- “The Truth coming out of the well” Jean-Léon Gérôme, 1896

Iowa, Marshalltown Law 

Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants 

I really want to know how/why they felt it necessary to enact this law.

A friend of mine claims this happened to a friend of hers: 

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.  And you have one cheap wedding present! 

So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. 

The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and said, 

“Lady, you can only do this so many times!”

Selma and Irving receive a wedding invitation in the mail.

Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.

All was fine until they reached the last line.Confused, Irving asks Selma, “Selma, vat does this”RSVP” mean?”

Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn’t remember. Finally, she cries out:

“Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means “Remember, Send Vedding Present!”

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought. 

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it.

He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.” 

“What did you buy your wife?” the friend asked. 

The man said, “A new matching bicycle and lawn mower.”

Q. Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker? 
A. In case they have to draw blood. 

And speaking of farts… (yeah, I know…) here’s a comment on the website:

Wow!  I would LOVE that!!!

Why don’t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

I saw a headline or a tweet or something where one of those famous chefs threw him out of his restaurant.  I couldn’t find the story because I was on the way to a meeting, let me see if I can find it now… oh man!  It was a satire post!  Darn!  Okay, moving on.

Ohio, Marion Law

You can’t eat a donut and walk backward on a city street

Okay, there’s another one where you gotta wonder…WHY?

LOL!  The perfect Father’s Day meme.

Here’s an oldie that’s been around for a long time.  …  Okay, so that was a pretty dumb statement.  If we’re calling it an oldie, that literally means it’s been around for a long time.  Man, I’m tired.  I think I’m the only sober person left.  I’m exhausted and need to go to bed.  Let’s try this again with just the normal picture, shall we?

WHY IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You don’t care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too “icky”.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Why Some Americans Should Not Be Let Out Of The Country (Actual comments from US travel agents……)

1). I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

2). A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

3). I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … clicks.

4). A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

5). I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

6). Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the Gates to save time.”

7). A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8). A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9). I just got off the telephone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10). A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

11). A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

12). A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy.  

At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English.

He then asked: ” Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French? “

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: ” Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German. “

The group became silent.

And that is all for today my friends.  I’ll try and put one together for Monday if I can find anyone sober enough around here to run the presses.  Until then, may I wish all you Fathers a wonderful day on Sunday and until we meet again…May God Bless you all with comfort, love and happiness.

Another really busy week.  I don’t really have very much to say.  Okay, so that’s not true, I have a ton of stuff to say, just not any time to say it.  So, you guys have two choices, you can listen to me talk…or more accurately, read my words, or laugh at the jokes, memes and cartoons.  Which would you rather do?  Everyone who would like to laugh at the jokes, memes and cartoons raise your hands…okay, counting…counting…counting…   Alright, now, everyone who would like to read my words, raise your hands … [sounds of crickets chirping] … no one?  Okay then.  

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.

When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

“As an environmentalist,” she declared, “I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils.”

The waiter inspected her chopsticks.

“Very beautiful,” he said politely. “Ivory.”

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.  

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “hi, I’m a zebra! What are you?”

“I’m a cow.”

“Right, right.  What do you do?”

“I make milk for the farmer.”

“Cool.”  

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.  “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I’m a chicken.”

“Oh, right.  What do you do?”

“I make eggs for the farmer.”

“Right, great, see ya round.”  

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.  

She ran over to it and said, “hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow,” said the zebra.  “What do you do?”

“Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

In England
___________

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win £1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the one million pound question was no pushover.

It was: “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it,

A) the robin;
B) the starling;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the sparrow?”

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it.

Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The friend responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris Tarrant any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said Chris.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Tarrant. “Yes, that is my final answer.”

Seconds later, Chris Tarrant said, “I regret to inform you that that answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde friend who had helped her win the million dollars.

“Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something?

It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way,how did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” her blonde friend said. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks!”

Dear Impish, I have a question that only  you can help me with…

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag.

Zig Ziglar (1926-2012)

Massachusetts Law

Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Our dog, Rex, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard forwhat might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss.

Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.

When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Rex.

Larry hurried outside and found the culprit.

Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbour, the last man you’d suspect of wrongdoing.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

“My mother-in-law is visiting,” the embarrassed neighbour explained. “If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she’ll leave.”

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

“Darn it woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.

On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. 

To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

Yes…yes we do.

If you are interested in those vintage lunchboxes, contact me and I’ll sell you half a dozen at that price.  Just imagine!  It’s like buy one get five free!

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on. 

Anon

Q. What’s worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house under water? 

A. A blonde trying to set it on fire 

WOW!  Just…Wow!

And that’s exactly where I ran out of time.  Until Saturday my friends.

Okay, so I was going to start out and apologize for unloading on you guys the other morning, but then I got so many messages of support and caring that all I can do at this point is say

And as tempted as I am to just leave it at that, you know I can’t do that.  You guys are really great.  I appreciate you all so very much.  

Depression is a horrible thing to deal with and it’s a battle that I fight all the time.  It does help when you know WHAT is causing the depression and it probably makes it a little easier, but it is still there.  When you spend your life in continuous pain and … well … you guys know the rest of it, I’m not going to belabor the point.  The fact is that sometimes it’s worse than others.  Doctor says to me, do you want to talk about medication for it (after asking me all the obligatory questions, right?  How often do you feel sad?  Do you ever feel like killing yourself?)  And no, for the record, I don’t ever feel like, consider, think about or any other verb you’d like to use with it, kill myself.  And the answer to the medication is always no, also.  I let them talk me into that right after Mary passed away and it was horrible.  Never again.

Anyway, here I am obsessing and I said I wasn’t going to.

So, let’s move along here and get to the good stuff.

It’s now Saturday night and I’m going to try to put together an issue for Monday. I worked today and I’m working tomorrow, but by the time I go to bed tomorrow night, there will be something to send to you guys.

So, for now, let’s

This is awesomely explained…

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. 

When the time came to present what they’d found, 

the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 

‘It’s a period,’ he replied. 

‘I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?’

 ‘Darned if I know,’ chirped the little boy, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!’

Signs on a Synogogue Bulletin Board 

Under same management for over 5773 years. 

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case. 

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. 

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.” 

Okay, first question of the issue…if you saw someone wearing this shirt, would you think they were
1. Spelling challenged?
2.  Perverted?
3.  had a horrible sense of humor?
4.  Completely clueless?

Me at work

This is a picture from my church parking lot.  Keep in mind that my church is basically across the street and east of me by less than 800 feet (according to google maps).  These guys are west of the church, so they are virtually across the street from me.  When I tell you I live in “Rural Indiana” this is probably one of the best illustrations I can give you.  The guy across the street from me…you remember him, the one with the front door fetish…has free range chickens that run around his yard, front and back yard.  We live on a major state road that has a significant amount of traffic.  I have NO IDEA how those chickens have never been hit.  At least, I’ve never seen a dead chicken lying in the road.  I have had chickens on MY front porch!  Izzy and I were watching something on TV and there was a pause in the sound and all of a sudden we heard a “MOOOO” that was so loud we both jumped up to see if there was a cow in our front yard!  If there was, that baby was going in the BACK yard and I was making a phone call to a buddy to ask him how fast he could get over here with his trailer and get it butchered for me and we’d split the meat.

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS 

  Indecision is the key to flexibility. 
  
You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

 There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 

  Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 
 
  Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. 
  
  Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 
 
  The facts, although interesting are irrelevant. 
 
  The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 

  Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

  Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

  Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 

  Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

  Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 

  I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 

  If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody. 

  All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 

  If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

  One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 

   By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 

  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

  This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it. 

  Never rassle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 
 
  The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a ‘do it yourself’ thing. 

Have we REALLY reached this low as a human race?

Somebody complained or sued.

Do you recognize this team?  Anyone?  Let me see if I can help you out here…

Yeah, I don’t have a clue with this one.

1955

Just to give you a small idea of what I’ve been doing all week…

That’s the class that I teach, and that’s the back half of my classroom.

My wife is a determined but unsuccessful gardener.  More of her plants die than bloom, yet she never seemed to notice. 

Or so I thought–until one day when she was heading to the backyard with newly purchased plants. 

The phone rang, and I heard her say to a friend, “I was just heading outside to bury some flowers.” 

WHY IS IT ALWAYS BOB!?!?

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. 
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Okay, according to the website that I finally found this thing on, they say that D, C, and B all die.  But I’m throwing the red challenge flag.  The correct answer (my answer) is that the only definite death is D.  C only dies if the stones aren’t the same size and made of the same material or the lever is so thin that it breaks with the weight of the upper stone and kills him that way.  B should never die since there is not enough momentum or downward force on the right side of the lever to lift the left side of the lever high enough to throw the other stone over the side of the wall.  Dissenting views?

Missouri Laws
 
Single men between the ages of twenty-one and fifty must pay an annual tax of one dollar (enacted 1820).

Whatever you do, DO NOT hire this construction crew.

They quoted me $800 to prep and form this driveway to be widened.

They have been working for 3 months and are just moving dirt from one pile to another.

The supervisor has not been helpful and keeps telling me to get away from the equipment. I told him I would be contacting a lawyer and he said he doesn’t care because he is really Spider-Man.

I definitely recommend avoiding this contractor and finding a reputable one that is at least over 5 years old.

That one hit awfully close to home.

I want to take a second to say something.  Thanks to Leah for giving us those great videos that we just watched, but it reminds me of something.  Stuff that I say at the end of my class each time I give it.  I’d like to share that with you guys real quick and then I need to wrap this up because I have to get to bed so I can get up and get back to work.  You know, each of those Veterans, each of those guys who sit in my classroom, the older ones and even the teenagers (and yes, I have a few teenagers in my class) at one point in their lives we all raised our right hands and we solemnly swore to give up everything, including our own lives, for people who have no idea what it is we do.  You know that only 8% of the population ever become associated with the military.  I know that when I raised my hand, I thought about my family and my friends and my loved ones.  Even though my oath of service will never expire and even though I have one of those civilian jobs where I can get deployed, it’s doubtful at my age that they’re going to call me up.  So, right now, all those men and women in my class are promising to give up their lives for MY family and MY friends and MY loved ones.  I can’t allow them to be in my classroom without taking the opportunity to say “Thank You.”  And all of you out there reading this…if you are part of the 92% that are standing behind the 8% who have offered to put THEIR lives in front of yours and between you and the evilness in this world… well, maybe you ought to give them a HEARTFELT thank you sometime, also.

There was only one other man who ever died to give you more than the American Military Member has offered to do.  Jesus Christ offered to save your soul for eternity.  We only offered to save your body while your here on earth.  But we’re doing what we can.  

Until next time my dear friends.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.

I am wrapping up a very long week of classes.  So far, five days of at least a 4 hour class a day, standing on concrete floors.  With full classes.  And not the most engaged of students.

Insight Group ministry on Tuesday night​…

Grief Group on Wednesday lunch time…​

Jail ministry on Wednesday night…​

Exercise at 0600 on Friday and an exceptionally difficult class Friday afternoon…​

Being insulted and disrespected by people that should know better and are supposed to love me.​

And depression so deep and dark that it hurts.  ​

I am also working all weekend.​

I just got a message from my pharmacy that a medication that I take that I used to get from the mail order pharmacy for $40 for a 90 supply, that they can no longer fill for me through mail order and now have to go through retail, is going to cost me $192.19 for a one month supply!!!   (Boy, that’s a long, run-on sentence). From $40 for 90 days to $192.19 for 30 days.  That’s 14.4 times higher!  $576.57 for what used to cost me $40?  A 1,441% increase!  

How many other ways can I say it?  How many other ways can I express my outrage?

Dark week.

All of that to say, I suppose (and now Izzy JUST tells me that we have to leave right now for her hair cut appointment that she didn’t tell me about!!!  But … never mind.  Like I said, not being respected by people who should respect you, hurts) … Anyway, All that to say that there won’t be an issue tomorrow and possibly not on Monday.  I need to do some inner reflection and something to improve this depression that is darkening my doorway.  I am fine and well so don’t worry about me, just didn’t want you to worry when you didn’t see an issue tomorrow and I know you are like family and I can talk to you all about things and you may hear from me again this weekend still.

Love you all,

Cheers,

Impish

Well, this may end up being a short issue, but I will try my best to give you something to laugh at.  I’ve had a pretty busy week with a CBRN class every day so far this week and another one schedule for every day that’s left.  Plus Grief Group on Wednesday, Bible Study on Tuesday Night and Jail tonight.  I am burning the candle at both ends and in the middle and on top of everything else, the lawyers in Florida pick this week to start sending me paperwork to finalize and sign…which is a good thing…a GREAT thing, but it’s just typical timing.  I should’ve known and prepared for it.

So, at any rate, let’s get to the good stuff and get as much of that in as we can before this poor dragon is draggin’ too poorly.

What an interesting and very appropriate sign

A VERY interesting video sent in by our dear Stephanie.  

Okay, so have you seen this genius?  He’s on a zoom call for court for having a suspended driver’s license in front of the judge…while he’s driving a car!  Brilliant!

The look on his face when he realizes what a moron he is, is priceless!

I will say this…at least Stephanie apologized before sending this next one…

Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn’t get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.

Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.

One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.

He found and entered the old woman’s hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.

She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer “la lima” or “lime,” the source of the salsa’s tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.

From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: “Because you’re Mayan, I’ll wok the lime!”

It’s just cute!

Like Stephanie said, this is probably a repeat, but it is good enough, that who cares…

RED SKELTON’S SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE 🌟

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”.

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”

I said, “Dust!”.

Can’t you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, “And May God Bless” with a big smile on his face.

At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office.

“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”

“You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Fisk. “I didn’t realize it… you don’t suppose she’s faking it, do you?”

This is an outstanding article submitted by Stephanie.  I’d try to print the whole thing here, but I really don’t have the time, so it’s a link to Wikipedia instead.  I highly encourage you to read the whole thing and here’s the link.

Charlie Brown and Franz Stigler incident

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection.

First, the word “Wine” must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on.

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says “On Sale.”

Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it. 

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass. 

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass. 

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine. 

* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all. 

* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine. 

* The jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese. 

* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine. 

* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod. 

* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman. 

* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering. 

* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: ‘Now spit out all that you swallowed!!’ 

Woman’s Wine Quote: 

“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.” 

Men’s Counter-Quote: 

“Women are like fine wine.  They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.” 

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. 

Mark Twain (1835 – 1910)

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. 

I’m having a real good time like I am.”

Now THAT is an awesome picture and a suitable place to end this one.  I need sleep.  It ended better than I feared and not as good as I had hoped.  But, it is what it is.  Until next time.