Somehow the post dated back on 24 April, so that’s where the website placed it in the scheme of things. I don’t know if I somehow mis-dated it (unlikely) or if there was a giant hiccup in the earth time continuum right at that moment (more likely) but then it went out in the email to everyone who got it that way instead of tomorrow like they were supposed to….
But it’s far enough back that I can’t edit it and I’m on my way to jail right now anyway so….
No. I’m not going to jail THAT way. It’s jail ministry time so my night is taken with the inmates tonight.
I just created post #2303 and set it up to publish and it just disappeared. You may have even gotten a notice saying it was there. I have no idea what happened to it. And now I have no time to make a new one. I’m so very sorry. The next one you will get now is on Saturday. If it some how reappears … I don’t know. I have no idea what happened but I’m mad.
It’s been a day. It just seems like a day ago that I was working on the weekend and here I am working it again. Long day. LONG DAY. Then I came home and cut down a tree. I am worn out. And a harder day tomorrow.
So, rather than sit here and complain, let’s get into some laughter before I have to call it a night and get some sleep.
A class in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.
A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.
Cubs pitcher forced to change glove due to white in American flag patch: ‘Just representing my country’
Story by Ryan Gaydos
Chicago Cubs pitcher Luke Little was forced to change gloves during the team’s 4-3 victory over the Houston Astros on Wednesday night because of the white in his American flag patch.
Little was called into the game with one out in the seventh inning. The umpires performed their routine check of Little’s glove, and the pitcher was told he had to swap the glove out. Little had an American flag patch and a Cubs patch on the black piece of equipment.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
This one is ALL about me! I get into a good book and I will read instead of doing just about anything except maybe breathing. And I think if I had to give that up in order to finish some of those books I’d be hard pressed to figure out a way to get that done.
I have no idea who snapped this picture of me defending my human friends, but it’s one of the very few REAL pictures out there of me.
Yup!
Wondering how many of you are going to get that one.
“I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale,” Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.
“You got that right … I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down.”
Massachusetts Law
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
I can’t believe that’s an actual law someplace.
And I wonder how many are going to get that one…
I ain’t much for shopping, Or for goin’ into town except at cattle-shipping time, I ain’t too easily found.
But the day came when I hadda go… I left the kids with Ma. but ‘fore I left, she asked me, “Would you pick me up a bra?”
So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,” How tough could that job be? An’ I bent down and kissed her an’ said, “I’ll be back by three.”
Well, I done the things I needed, But I started to regret ever offering to buy that thing… It worked me up a sweat.
I walked into the ladies shop, my hat pulled over my eyes, I didn’t want to take a chance on bein’ recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk… I didn’t hem or haw – I told that lady right straight out, “I’m here to buy a bra.”
From behind I heard some snickers, so I turned around to see every woman in that store was a’gawkin’ right at me!
“What kind would you be looking for? Well, I just scratched my head. I’d only seen one kind before, “Thought bras was bras,” I said.
She gave me a disgusted look, “Well sir, that’s where you’re wrong. Follow me,” I heard her say, like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley where bras was on display. I thought my jaw would hit the floor when I saw that lingerie!
They had all these different styles that I’d never seen before I thought I’d go plumb crazy ‘fore I left that women’s store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours and bras that cross your heart. There was bras that lift and separate, and that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel like you ain’t wearing one at all, And bras that you can train in when you start off when you’re small.
Well, I finally made my mind up… picked a black and lacy one… I told the lady, “Bag it up,” And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size I didn’t hesitate I knew that measurement by heart, “A six-and-seven-eighths.”
“Six and seven eighths you say? That really isn’t right.” “Oh, yes ma’am! I’m real positive… I measured them last night!”
I thought that she’d go into shock, musta took her by surprise when I told her that my wife’s bust was the same as my hat size.
“That’s what I used to measure with, I figured it was fair, but if I’m wrong, I’m sorry ma’am.” This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered and they all was crackin’ up when the lady asked to see my hat, to measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured, I gave the gal her pay. Then I turned to leave the store, tipped my hat and said, “Good day.”
My wife had heard the story ‘fore I ever made it home. She’d talked to fifteen women who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin’ but by then I didn’t care. Now she don’t ask and I don’t shop for women’s underwear…
From what I understand, she ain’t pretty but she’s great with the kids.
That is absolutely adorable!
A little boy came home from Sunday School with a big candy bar. His mother asked him where he got it.
“I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,” he said.
“That dollar was for Sunday School,” she scolded him.
“I know, Mom, he replied, “but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!”
A radio announcer was introducing a record, ‘The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven.
Hey, Charlotte, that’s a ripe old age, isn’t it?’
There was a short pause and then the DJ said, ‘I’m sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill.’
Top 20 Engineers’ Terminology
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED – We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM – We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION – We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH – It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED – We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE – The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING – We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED – The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS – It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT – Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL – Let’s spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING – We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION – I can’t wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET’S DISCUSS – Come into my office, I’m lonely.
15. ALL NEW – Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED – Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT – Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING – Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE – Impossible to fix if broken.
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”
The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those white tipped canes?”
“Yes I do,” she replied.
“Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane,” He said. “Then tell them ‘If you had more faith that wouldn’t hurt!'”
A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe.
The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, “Did you lose a shoe?”
Nope,” the boy replies. “Found one.”
Little Hershkele Stankow was shopping with his mother, much to his dismay.
When they walked past a toy store and Hershkele saw a new toy he really wanted, he begged and pleaded and pulled on his mama’s arm until she said, “Sorry Hershkele. We are not here to buy you a toy.”
Hershkele pulled away from his mama in anger and said, “I never met a lady as mean as you!”
Taking his hand in hers, she gently retorted, “Hershkele, darling, someday you’ll get married and you will … you will!”
My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him.
It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel.
We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items.
Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies.
The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, “Matched luggage?”
Realizing that the time had come for him to stop working so hard, an old blacksmith chose a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The young man was full of questions and the old blacksmith was ill-tempered and exacting.
“Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” grumbled the old man. “Just do whatever I tell you to do!”
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.
“Get the hammer over there,” he snapped at the apprentice. “When I nod my head, hit it as hard as you can.”
The town is now looking for a new blacksmith.
One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday the teacher asks: “How many grains of sand are on the beach?” needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer.
Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday nightJohnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag.
At the end of the day just when the teacher says, “here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, “ok, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Partrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father, Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”
“Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
“Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure,” she replied, “but not by a doctor!”
There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught fire, And burned her entire Front page, sports section, and all
So, it’s been a full week for me. Wednesday night was Jail Ministry and it was a really GREAT night. Spirit was definitely there, had one guy who was really fighting back and another who was so convinced he was hooked on meth that he didn’t have any chance at all of ever not being and others that were so interested in hear the Word of God…the lesson we were teaching was on anger and it fit in so perfectly with what everyone was going through. It was really beautiful.
Thursday was the National Day of Prayer and of course I had to work, so I our little towns prayer service on the courthouse steps at noon. I would have normally gone, but I had a class to teach at 1300 and would only have been able to stay for a few minutes before I would have had to leave to head back to base. But one of my Bible Study buddies from base (he does Bible Study on the 2nd and 4th Wednesday that I go to and I have the Grief Group on Base on the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of each month that he comes to) told me about a prayer meeting (service? ceremony?) that was going to be going on in the town that he lives in, like the next major town over from mine in the evening, so I went to that one. They did a special prayer for the military and my buddy was the one who led that one and there was another one of our Bible Study guys there (the only other guy that I knew), and it was an awesome experience. I’m really glad that I went.
Did any of you hear anything at all from Biden on the National Day of Prayer? I didn’t hear anything at all. I didn’t know this, but by law, the President is supposed to issue a proclamation every year designating the first Thursday in May as the National Day of Prayer. So, I went looking for it. And it’s there. But, I didn’t hear anyone say anything about it anywhere. Now, I’m not really tuned into the communist/socialist news channels…I’m sorry, I mean the main stream media news channels anymore, so they very well could have said something and I likely would have missed it. I did a google search and can’t see where any media source reported on it. The only place I see it mentioned is on the White House website. And it’s not much to read, but it’s better than nothing and … well, I’ll leave it go at that. Far be it from me to complain about someone else’s prayers. I have enough problems with my own, I REALLY should not be casting stones.
Anyway, busy and very filled week to this point and I’m working all weekend. This UTA came up way too quickly and it’s already late on Friday night before I even got this episode started, so let’s get into the fun stuff and see how much I can get done before I fall asleep behind this keyboard and have to call it quits.
I know you must be getting tired of these section headers since I keep using this one over and over again. You know I have others because I have used others in the past, but I REALLY like these and I plan on making new ones kinda based on these, but I just haven’t gotten around to it … yet.
Or more! Man, a GOOD divorce attorney can get a regular wife two-thirds. The lawyers will be lining UP to take this case!
And look at her eyes! They look just crazy enough that SHE DOESN’T CARE!!!!
I have heard this next story before in generalities, but never in this much detail. Thanks to Stephanie for sharing this. It makes wonderful sense and should be shared and explained to everyone in exactly this same manner.
A man named Tom Nicholson posted on his Facebook account the sports car that he had just bought and how a man approached and told him that the money used to buy this car could’ve fed thousands of less fortunate people.
His response to this man made him famous on the internet. READ his story as stated on Facebook below:
A guy looked at my Corvette the other day and said,
“I wonder how many people could have been fed for the money that sports car cost?
I replied I’m not sure;
it fed a lot of families in Bowling Green, Kentucky who built it,
it fed the people who make the tires,
it fed the people who made the components that went into it,
it fed the people in the copper mine who mined the copper for the wires,
it fed people in at Caterpillar who make the trucks that haul the copper ore.
It fed the trucking people who hauled it from the plant to the dealer
and fed the people working at the dealership and their families.
BUT,… I have to admit, I guess I really don’t know how many people it fed.
That is the difference between capitalism and the welfare mentality.
When you buy something, you put money in people’s pockets and give them dignity for their skills.
When you give someone something for nothing, you rob them of their dignity and self-worth.
Capitalism is freely giving your money in exchange for something of value.
Socialism is having the government take your money against your will and give it to someone else for doing nothing.
I think this is well written and well thought out
If you agree please send it to your friends.
If you don’t agree just delete it and have a nice day.
The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his, “Papa fell in the well last week…” he began.
“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Koop. “Is he all right now?”
“He must be,” said little Johnny. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close.
“They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant!”
One of my favorite little animations
When old Mr. O’Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O’Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
“Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald,” she confided, “and he’d never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they’re through paying their last respects.”
“Rest assured, Mrs. O’Leary,” comforted the undertaker, “I’ll fix it so that toupee will never come off.”
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O’Leary’s corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O’Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept your money,” protested the undertaker.
“After all…what’s a few nails?”
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
– Thomas Jones (1892 – 1969)
Ahh, those romantic evenings, out on the veranda…
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother.
“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”
Louisiana Law
It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.
A man had run to the store with his daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”
The man said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”
He replied “Maybe.”
Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”
A man has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off.
He came into the room where his 3 year old granddaughter Tiffany was and asked her, “Notice anything different?”
To which she replied, “No,” with a puzzled look on her face.
He then said to her, “My beard’s gone.”
Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said “I didn’t take it!”
One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, “Son what happened?”
“I jumped in that creek down the road.”
“Why did you do that?”
“I dunno.”
His dad was very angry and said, “If you jump in that creek again, just because, I’m gonna tan that hide – just because! Is that clear?”
“Yes dad.” replies his son.
The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.
When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, “Didn’t I tell you not to jump in that creek again?”
“Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!”
His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him – “Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say ‘Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus’.”
“Ok dad.” replied the son.
Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.
His dad said, “I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!”
“I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!”
Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
* *
Keep going!
* *
Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
* *
Think of a man’s/woman’s name that begins with the last letter in that animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down.
* *
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. * *
Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, get and get a life and quit playing stupid e-mail games.
When everything went to hell in Florida after Hurricane Ian, I didn’t see a lot of Priuses, windmills or social justice warriors coming to save the day. I saw diesel trucks, combustion generators, heavy tractors, fuel tankers and a whole lotta bearded good ol’ boys putting some of that “toxic masculinity” to work saving lives and rebuilding society. God Bless the backbone of America: the hardworking men and women of the middle class!!
Or put more succinctly: When the proverbial hits the fan, nobody calls the pronoun people for help.
And that’s it my friends. Until Monday (hopefully)
So…Issue #2300. It’s gotta be some sort of milestone, right? Two thousand, three hundred. Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? It’s about 127 Issues a year or one issue every three days. That’s quite a bit, really.
I shouldn’t be writing this right now, I don’t think. I’m a bit depressed. My stupid dog just pulled me over again whilst we were outside. I’m wondering if she’s getting too big for me to control or I’m getting too old to control her. All she was doing was running after the other one. Luckily I was on flat ground and was able to stumble my way over to the grass and fall on the grass. The wet, soggy, muddy grass.
Anyway, brought them both back inside. It was the last “out” of the day, which means they both know they get treats. Normally two little biscuits (or three if I’m feeling really generous) each. They come over to me as I sit in my chair in the living room, they sit very nicely and patiently. I hold the treat out, but they are NOT allowed to take the treat from me until I say, “okay.” And they are not to take it aggressively, they are to take it “easy”. And they do a really good job of it, otherwise they don’t get a treat.
Well tonight, of course I was angry. I got two treats. Gave one to Pepper and told Willow she was bad, chewed her out some, told her she was bad and gave the second treat to Pepper, told Willow she was bad and told her to get in bed. She got in bed and this is the look that I got:
I think I hurt her little feelings.
So, after about 20 minutes (an absolute lifetime to a dog) I got ONE treat, called her over to me, made her sit, talked to her about what she did wrong and gave her the treat. Of course, she looked for the other one and Pepper came over and wanted to know where her’s were and I had to tell her that she already got hers and SHE got all pouty.
I swear,
Living in a house full of women… well, I’ll just leave it at that.
Now…
You guys remember this map from the last episode?
Well, Stephen B. sent us an email with the subject line of “Are you saying… …that…” and here’s the ridiculous email that goes with it. Oh! Not ridiculous that he sent it, ridiculous in what the email talks about.
Just read it, you’ll see. (Thanks Stephen).
……..that all the green states must now change their names because it might offend Native Americans? Here on Long Island, in New York, the dip sticks are forcing the sports of all the schools to change their names if they are associated with Native Americans.
From Newsday:
The New York State Education Department has ordered school districts to stop using mascots, team names or imagery depicting Native Americans by the end of the school year or risk losing state aid.
The guidance issued Thursday to school districts statewide by Senior Deputy Commissioner James N. Baldwin stems from a court case involving an upstate school district that sought to keep its “Indians” team name, logo and mascot and challenged the state in court but recently lost the case.
“The court’s decision establishes that public school districts are prohibited from utilizing Native American mascots,” Baldwin said. “Arguments that community members support the use of such imagery or that it is ‘respectful’ to Native Americans are no longer tenable. Those school districts that continue to utilize Native American team names, logos, and/or imagery without current approval from a recognized tribe must immediately come into compliance.”
Because of a name. A name that NO ONE is complaining about who has a goat in the fight. It is because of other people taking offense who have no reason TO take offense. Moronic.
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This”, he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, “Where is my father?”
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: “Fishing off Florida.”
The smartass laughed, “Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.”
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, “Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.”
So, we were at the bar drinking this really hoppy beer and seeing who can get the loudest, longest belch. And I was doing really well at not cutting in the flame, but I was also getting a little drunk and … well … a funny thing happened …
Did you know that toasted fairly smells an awful lot like toasted marshmallow?
Did she forget it was there?
Husband: “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
Wife: “No problem. I’ll get you some that is.”
Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner.
Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”
Abe says, “Do I care?”
A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”
Abe says, “Who cares?”
A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”
Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t move your butt, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds.
This is my stop, thanks for the ride.
Both of them Eunuchs?
That would do it for me.
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his eulogy, the preacher said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to a neighbour, one mourner quietly asked “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The neighbour replied, “I think he means her legs.”
My grandfather was a professional organist…….
until the monkey died.
On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
“Be still, my heart,” thought the doctor, “my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!”
Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
The words “Fetish” and “Urine” should NEVER be used in the same sentence.
Maine Law
Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man.
e noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?”
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, “I wear this collar because I am a Father.”
The older gent thought a second and responded, “Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?”
The priest thought for a minute and said, “Sir, I am the Father for many.”
The older fellow quickly answered, “I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count… But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?”
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, “Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people.”
Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.
As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, “Well, sonny, perhaps, it’s your pants you should wear backwards.”
SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A “NO FRILLS” AIRLINE
They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
I’m not particularly fond of people who fly in private jets to a meeting where they discuss how to take away my car and feed me bugs…because they are so important. But, maybe that’s just me.
In regards to #7 … I was listening to a Christian Missionary talk about one of the long, difficult missions he was on. He told us all about the hardships about being separated from his family for so long, but about all the really cool stuff he got to do. But then we he mentioned that he was gone for two whole weeks I laughed out loud long and hard. I have never, been on a TDY that lasted ONLY 2 weeks.
Congratulations to all the women who vote Democrat!
ZERO House Democrats voted to pass the protection of women and girls in sports.
Republicans: 219 Democrats: 0
Something odd about those campus tent encampments. Almost all the tents are identical – same design, same size, same fresh-out-of-the-box appearance.
Which suggests that rather than an organic process, whereby students would bring a variety of individual tents, someone or some organization has supplied them and organized the event.
I think it would be instructive if we can determine who that someone is.
Because rather than spontaneous demonstrations, these are choreographed events by hidden actors – and the students, sincere though they may be, are merely manipulated props.
Can you say, “George Soros?”
I think this dog has died and been reincarnated into Willow.
Why are things so expensive?
Because 4 companies control 55% to 85% of the meat market.
Because 4 airlines control 80% of air travel.
Because 3 companies control 92% of the soda market.
Because 3 companies control 73% of the cereal market.
Why don’t I hear about it?
Because 6 companies control 90% of the news.
Microsoft’s AI Is Draining 56 Million Gallons Of Drinking Water From A Small City In Arizona
One of the many major environmental issues that is staring at us from the not-so-distant future is the fact that clean drinking water could quickly become scarce.
So, the fact that Microsoft’s AI requires a lot of it could be yet another strike, as far as public opinion goes.
There is a Microsoft data center in Goodyear, Arizona, that requires quite a lot of water to support cloud computing and AI.
Since it’s located in a desert, that’s creating a bit of an issue.
You probably know that AI requires a huge amount of energy. You might be less aware of the amount of water it needs in order to mitigate the risk of overheating.
Microsoft has been avoiding the question of just how much water their Goodyear plant is siphoning from the desert, but estimates top 56 million gallons of drinking water every year.
That’s as much as 670 area families would consume in a year.
Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes says that this is the result of choices that may come back to haunt the state’s residents in the future.
“We’re going to have to make tough choices in the near future to make sure our state is protected for future generations. Allowing one more data center to come to our state is an easy but stupid decision in a lot of cases.”
Data centers everywhere, particularly ones that fuel AI efforts, are likely going to meet with pushback from environmental groups in the future.
In places like the Sonoran Desert, people will probably have more reason than ever to think AI isn’t a good thing at all.
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest.
They’re going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash.
The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch.
“How did you do that?” asks one of his friends.
“My watch is 30 minutes slow.”
When my daughter was about 6, my sister was baby sitting for the day.
My sister had a soap opera on the TV and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing.
My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, “your Mommy and Daddy kiss – they’re in love.”
My daughter’s rebuttal to that was “No they’re not – they’re married!”
A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked the friend.
“Ahhhh … my wife found out …”
Maryland, Baltimore
It is illegal to take a lion to the movies.
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection.
Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they’d leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
“This I’ve got to see,” I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard.
Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
The Top Ten Things Men Know *FOR SURE* About Women
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9. They have boobs.
10. Some have BIG boobs.
And that’s it for another one my friends. May God Bless and Keep You until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 