Dragon Laffs

Good morning campers!

Today’s issue is HUGE!  I hope you enjoy each and every line, every cartoon, all the innuendos. 

I can remember walking along the sidewalk, beside the barracks in Germany.  Smitty and I were returning from somewhere, (probably the Class VI store knowing us).  (For those of you who don’t know, the Class VI store is the liquor store on a military base.)  Anyway, I can remember asking, “Okay, Smitty.  Use the word innuendo in a sentence.” Out of nowhere and without missing a beat Smitty says, (and being from Rhode Island it came out like this:) “I trew da rock innuendo”.  Ahh.  Memories.  I sent him an email last night and told him to guess what I had in my fridge….and here it is:

Sorry Smitty, I saw it and couldn’t resist.  I’ll let you know if it tastes the same or if it’s imported crap.  lol.

Now, for the rest of you…..

Let’s Laugh!

 

And have their names on their own list!

13 Truly Terrible Christmas Cards

http://www.funnyordie.com/slideshows/aea53b6c88/amazingly-terrible-christmas-cards?utm_campaign=newsletter20101216&utm_content=list&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_term=fd

What a REAL woman does:

Just In Time for Christmas, Folks!

As bad as this looks, it probably wouldn’t be any better to have the straw coming out of the rear…

 

Oh no she didn’t!

Thanks to K² for this one:

Mr. and Mrs. Leprechaun were at home watching TV. 

Lethal had the clicker and was switching back and forth between the golf channel and the porn channel.

Mrs. L became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake, Lethal.  Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to play golf.

Makes perfect sense to me!

How Riverdance was born:

 

 

 

 

 

World War II a la FaceBook!

Another old favorite:

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.  
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should’ve known…… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too much?  Do you think?

A beautiful poem….

If you look for me at Christmas, you won’t need a special star-

I’m no longer just in Bethlehem, I’m right there where you are.

You may not be aware of Me, amid the celebrations-

You’ll have to look beyond the stores and all the decorations.

But if you take a moment from your list of things to do

And listen to your heart, you’ll find I’m waiting there for you.

You’re the one I want to be with, you’re the reason that I came,

And you’ll find Me in the stillness as I’m whispering your name.

Love,

Jesus

Got something a little sensual today…woooo hooo!!!

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow
and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly
shut the door and we were alone. He approached me
soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,
reassuring voice close to my ear.”Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his
strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently
probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but
steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I
should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His
touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands
moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and
partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I
felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands,
I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,knowing what he
wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid
them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly
trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man
used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no’ for
an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man
who would look into my soul and say …
“Okay, ma’am, all done.” My eyes snapped open and he
was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

“You can board your flight now.”

(he he heh)

 

This guy has been harassing Cash4Gold.com for so long, that this is the response he finally got.  He was so proud of it that he framed it, took a picture of it and posted it on the internet.  How cool is that?

The Old Country Boy’s:

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
If you’re an adult of average weight here is what you accomplish in 24 hours:
Your heart beats 103,689 times,
Your blood travels 168,000,000 miles,
You breathe 23,040 times,
You inhale 438 cubic feet of air,
You eat 3/4 pounds of food,
You drink 2.9 quarts of liquids,
You speak 4,800 words, including some unnecessary ones,
You move 750 muscles,
Your nails grow .000046 inch,
Your hair grows .01714 inch,
You exercise 7,000,000 brain cells.
Now … Don’t you feel tired?

Okay, well here’s a crappy subject for this time of the year, but since I’ve been getting more and more intelligence about it, I thought I’d share some of it.

Before I get too deeply into this, I want you to remember that NOTHING is itched in stone.  This is just speculation and rumor, based on information that is disseminated in a gazzilion different ways and places.  You’ll hear me mention that again, at least once.

Information has come to light, and is available in many public sectors, that the bad guys are planning something terroristic this holiday season.  Does this really surprise anyone?  No, I didn’t think so.  Did you also know that “they” plan something for just about every holiday season, every year?  And would it also surprise you to find out that the good guys have thwarted a lot of bad guy plots over the years?  Google “Terrorist plots stopped” or something like that for some incredible examples of stuff that most of us don’t even realize is going on.

Anyway…..

Lots of increased noise this year, so what can YOU do about it?  For most of us, that’s the more important question.  The biggest thing, the most important, number one on the list…keep your eyes open.  Recognize things that are out of place, an unattended package, a bulky coat on a warm day, someone way over dressed or way underdressed for where they are, smells that aren’t right, sights that aren’t right.  If something tells you that something is wrong, it probably is.  Trust your instincts.  It may not be a terrorist plot, but if something is wrong, figure out what is making you think that way.  Keep your eyes and other senses open.

Lock your doors.  You’re car doors if you are going to leave your car for any time at all, even if you are “just running into the store.”  Your house doors and windows, even when you are home.

Don’t be in a huge crowd, but don’t be a lone target either.  You may say, “Impish, what do you mean by that?”  Well, here’s a for instance.  Say you’re waiting for a train…subway or traditional, you can pick…you don’t want to stand with the huge crowd right on the edge of the platform, but you also don’t want to be all the way to the back by yourself, either.  Pick something in between.

If you are going to the airport, get in and get through security.  Don’t hang around the outside.

You get the idea?  I’m sure you can think of a lot of others on your own.  Don’t flash a lot of money, don’t announce yourself as American in a foreign country, etc.  But mostly, be smart.  Keep your eyes open and your wits about you.  There are not enough of you smart campers out there that we can afford to lose any of you over something stupid.

And remember…nothing is certain.  Don’t get all freaked out, because then they win anyway.  Nothing is certain.  Knowledge is a weapon, like any other and it needs to be kept sharp and clean.

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated….Please read the following carefully…….

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only areas North of the Mason-Dixion Line and Non-succesionist States. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run’d Over by a Reindeer.”

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

A friend shared this video with me.  It’s a good reminder to all of us.

I hope you’ll take time this Christmas to thank the Lord for the brave men and women who are spending their Christmas on the battlefield.

While our kids are busy opening gifts on Christmas morning and laughing around the tree … there are other little boys and girls that would give anything just to have their mom or dad home for Christmas.  Instead, their loved ones are thousands of miles away, putting their life on the line so that we don’t’ have to.

Our soldiers and their families are sacrificing their own hopes and dreams to protect our freedoms … our way of life … and our right to worship.  Remember, freedom is never free!

Though the language might be termed “Marine tart” here are the lyrics to “Merry Christmas in Afghanistan”:

“Merry Christmas From Afghanistan”

Merry Christmas from Afghanistan, oh man, it’s that time of year,
and the birth of Jesus doesn’t seem to please the terrorists down here;
I’d like to take a moment for you folks at home to make it clear;
Merry Christmas from the Eastern Hemisphere.

Merry Christmas from Afghanistan, way back in the USA,
You’ve got mistletoe and falling snow, we’ve got sandstorms and grenades
But what the hell, it’s just as well we celebrate it anyway,
Merry Christmas from 5,000 miles away.

And I remember many Decembers, sitting ’round that tree,
And now I’m in an outer cordon sitting ’round an IED,
I’ve traded yams and roasted ham for a chicken noodle MRE,
Merry Christmas from out here in the middle east.

So merry Christmas from Afghanistan, from our AO to yours,
I’ll be watching illegal DVDs and defecating out of doors,
Put my pedal to the metal man, I’ll settle for that medal of honor when I when the war,
Single-handedly from my armored drivers door.

Yuletide salutations from our vacation in the sand,
from this E-3 Lance Coolie and up the whole chain of command
Between Al Qaeda, Al Jazeera, Mujahadeen, and the Taliban,
It’s a very merry Christmas in Afghanistan.

From south Montana, to northwest Indiana, to the shores of North Caroline,
From NYC to LA’s beaches and down the Mason-Dixon Line,
It’s that season where we’re freezing, but all in all, we’re doing fine,
So merry Christmas from Afghanistan tonight.
It’s that season where we’re freezing, but all in all, we’re doing fine,
So Merry Christmas down the Final Protection Line!

—

Merry Christmas! God Bless our troops and God Bless America!