Another header by our dear friend Aussie Pete!  Thanks Pete!

Today is Sunday and I’m trying to get a jump on the next episode.  I’m really getting a bit overwhelmed with stuff lately.  I spent the morning at church, then came home and went grocery shopping with Izzy.  Then prepared my Tuesday lesson.  Then prepared my Wednesday lesson.  Then did my FBI homework for today (I’m trying to do that one day at a time like I’m supposed to and neither get ahead nor fall behind) and now I’m trying to do a little work on here.  Oh, I also did some of my normal Sunday chores of taking out the trash.  I still have to set up my medicine for the week, but I’ll sit down at the sofa and do that later.

I’ve been really tired lately.  Having trouble staying awake through the day.  And to make it worse, I’m going to have to titrate off of the medicine that I have to help with that because the insurance company says they will no longer cover it.  The doctor’s office has disputed it twice and have been denied twice.  Since I am no longer diagnosed with sleep apnea, I no longer qualify for this medication.  Oh well, I’ll get over it, I guess.

There are plenty of illegal drugs out there that help with staying awake.

Okay, I’m kidding.  Take that look off your faces!

Now, on to the show!

45 Highly-Questionable Pregnancy Announcement Photoshoots

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car. 

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. 

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” 

Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car, again. 

The next week they are having breakfast, again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. 

You must park ………..,” then the electric power goes out.

Norman’s wife says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.” 

Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

There was a Scot, American, and a Iraqui in a plane on fire and about to crash. There were no parachutes and the only exit was to jump from 49,000 feet high. 

As the Scottish  jumped he yelled, “God save me!” and landed safely in a haystack. 

When the American jumped he also yelled, “God save me!” and landed safely in another haystack. 

The Iraqi wasn’t good at his English and when he jumped he yelled, “God shave me!” and landed in a barber shop.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach.

A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. 

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I’ll go get some toilet paper.” 

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?” 

The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. 

He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb.

He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much. 

Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter’s size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. 

The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. 

As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared — the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before. 

“What’s the big idea? Eek!” 

One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and
squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was
ruined. 

This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: … you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can’t make ’em shrink.

Ah yes, I know it well!

“If you believe you can, you probably can.  If you believe you won’t, you most assuredly won’t.  Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad.”

– Denis Waitley (1933-)

So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake.

He brought it out, and it was a savory cake.

It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top.

I said “That must have taken a lot of effort to make.”

And he said “No, it was a pizza cake.”

This is an old one, but I had it on very good authority, that it is quite accurate.  (Thank you love)

I’m sure at least some of this will seem familiar to you gals……and the guys waiting for us!

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms.  When I was a little girl, she’d take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.

Finally, she’d instruct, “Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

By this time, I’d have wet down my leg and we’d have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago.  Even now, in my more “mature years, “The Stance” is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one’s bladder is full.

When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale on Nelly’s underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely.  You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors.  Every one is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch.  It doesn’t matter.  The dispenser for the new fangled “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.  You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there isn’t – so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.”

Ahhhh, relief.  More relief.

But then your thighs begin to shake.  You’d love to sit down but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance” as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.  In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!”


Your thighs shake more.  You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse.  That would have to do.  You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.  It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work.  The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

“Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat.  You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it’s too late.  Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.  You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you’re certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.”

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.  At that point, you give up.  You’re soaked by the splashing water.  You’re exhausted.  You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men’s restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”….

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest???  you’ve got to be kidding!!).  It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.  It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It’s so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

“How long have you been driving without a tail light, mate?” demanded the policeman. 

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the copper was moved to ease up on him a bit. “Oh, come now,” he said. “You don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.” 

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “What happened to my boat and trailer?” 

Yeah, we’ve been there already…

Man, I’m so old…

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.

“I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”

“Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

“Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”

“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus” says the bartender.

“The circus?” the duck enquires.

“That’s right,” replies the bartender.

“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.

“That’s right!” says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: “What the heck do they want with a carpenter?”

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, mother,” you don’t understand. “I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”

“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.

“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said – ‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”

Definitions

Divorce:  Future tense of marriage.


Lecture:  An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”


Conference:  The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise:  The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears:  The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…


Dictionary:  A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room:  A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Classic:  A book which people praise, but do not read.


Smile:  A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office:  A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn:  The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Adultery – The wrong people doing the right thing.


Chivalry – A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.


Conscience – That which hurts when everything else feels so good.


Constipation – To have and to hold.


Husband – What is left after the nerve has been killed.


Minute Man – One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.


Morning – The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.


Nun – A woman who ain’t never had none, don’t want none, and ain’t going to get none.


Nursery – A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.


Sin – Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don’t.


Sissy – A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.


Spring Fever – When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.


Stork – The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.


Taxidermist – A man who mounts animals.


Tomcat – A ball bearing mouse trap.

I am?

This one is from Stephen B.

Church Marquee Sayings for Lent

Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church.

It’s hard to stumble when you’re
down on your knees.

What part of “Thou Shalt Not”
don’t you understand?

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

The wages of sin is death.
Repent before payday.

Never give the devil a ride.
He will always want to drive.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Christians, keep the faith…but not from others!

Satan subtracts and divides.
God adds and multiplies.

To belittle is to be little.

Don’t let the littleness in others
bring out the littleness in you.

God answers knee-mail.

Try Jesus.  If you don’t like Him,
the devil will always take you back.

Okay, how about the rest of the tombstones from Wouter…

And that is just a darn shame!  The stares all around part.

Now THAT is a cool old article!

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper: 

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. 

Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “Tell me when we’re having fun”  kind of day. 

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.  He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.  He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.  If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. 

With time running out, the woman weighed her options.  Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice.  He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”  So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. 

If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.   Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way.  Steep slopes are not forgiving…even during the most embarrassing moments. 

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees…somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.  Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. 

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.  The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. 

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.  At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol.  They transported her to a hospital. 

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.  “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.  “It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said.  “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! 

There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants.  I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift.” 

“So, how’d you break your arm?” 

And that’s it my friends.  May God Bless you all with love and happiness until we meet again.

Good morning my dear, dear friends and family.  Thank you all so very much for all your kind and generous donations.  You have been truly wonderful again this year, and again this year we remain solvent for another year.  Thank you.  Here then is the final Wall of Fame for 2024!

I am exhausted.  It’s Friday night and I have an SAPC event tomorrow morning.  SAPC is Substance Abuse Prevention Council.  Miami County Living Free, my ministry group, is a part of SAPC and will have a booth set up there tomorrow morning and I will be there, so I need to call it a night and get some sleep.  I have been so tired all day long today.

So, I will get back with you guys tomorrow, but for now, I’ll get you started with a couple of funnies. 

Why I’m always tired:

And the exact same route (up hill) to get home again.

Isn’t it funny how what we want to hear sounds so much more truthful than the truth.

Vessel Rescued in English Channel After Emergency Call to Dover, Delaware, Instead of Dover, England

Dover Ferry Port – credit John Fielding

When Dover Police Department responders picked up the phone on August 27th, who knows what was more surprising: that the caller’s ship was sinking, or that he had an East European accent.

The phone call arrived in the US State of Delaware’s capital city, but the man, an Albanian, was talking about the English Channel—over 3,500 miles away.

For the rest of this great article that Stephanie sent us, click HERE.

This is one sent in by Lynn.  It’s called:

The Mountains

That was beautiful.  Thanks for sharing, Lynn.

I was going to throw the flag on this one because I thought, “It can’t be that stupidly easy.”  But upon further examination, yes, indeed.  It is that stupidly easy.

The pope is SO WRONG in this.  Not all religions lead to God.  I’ll show you one simple way to disprove that right off.  Knowing that the Bible is the unerring Word of God, Jesus says in John 14:6 “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”  Therefore, any religion that doesn’t believe Jesus is the risen Messiah can’t lead to God and must be false and therefore, what the pope said is WRONG.  And as many of my Catholic friends have pointed out, he was speaking unofficially when he said that (I forget what the exact term is … ex cathedra (?) or something like that) so it was just, as they put it, “the ramblings of an old man.”  So many of them disagree with what this pope has said that it’s not funny.

This next one is excellent!

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

8-year-old drives car from Bedford to Bainbridge Township before being found

• Updated: Sep. 16, 2024, 4:06 a.m.
• |Published: Sep. 15, 2024, 1:01 p.m.

BEDFORD, Ohio – An 8-year-old girl on Sunday took a car on a drive and crashed into s mailbox before she was found later at a Target store miles away, according to a Bedford police report.

Police said they received a call at about 9 a.m. of the missing 8-year-old and a 2020 Nissan Rogue.

After receiving details from family members that they had last seen the girl at about 7 a.m., police began a search.

A neighbor’s camera showed the girl driving away in the car, the police report said. Bedford Heights police also received a report of a juvenile driving a vehicle east on Rockside Road.

Bainbridge police a short time later found the vehicle, abandoned, in a Target parking lot in Bainbridge Township. Police found the girl inside the store.

The girl told police that while driving, she had hit a mailbox. Damage was discovered to the vehicle. There was no mention in the report of any injuries.

8 years old!  I’m trying to get my 23 year old to drive…wow!

Not sure if I used this one or not, but it’s so good, it’s worth using again.

Aug 9, 2024 A powerful explosion at Ningbo Port, a major Chinese port, set off a massive fireball on a cargo ship. The incident occurred after a hazardous goods container suddenly exploded. The CCTV footage revealed a huge burst of white smoke followed by an intense orange and yellow fireball that dispersed debris. The explosion led to a massive fire that completely engulfed the containers stacked above the blast site, causing significant destruction.

These are the things that interest me in my job.  For you, that may have been why your Chinese made product didn’t arrive on time.

One of the things that I hear from the guys in the jail all the time for why they haven’t gone to the Lord or for why they haven’t gone back to the Lord is this: “You have no idea what I’ve done.  You have no idea of the sins that I’ve committed.  God could NEVER forgive me of the stuff that I’ve done.”  God will forgive ANYTHING!  If you come before Him truly repentant and looking to change.  Look, if Jesus was willing to forgive the very people who abused Him, beat Him, spit on Him, peeled the skin from His bones, and then hung Him from a cross and killed Him, (Luke 23:34) I am convinced, without a shadow of a doubt, that He will forgive you for your sins if you come to Him in true and honest desire.  

A study published in “Neurology” says people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given.

I wonder – could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

Or perhaps it’s from spending so much time without oxygen when their spouse keeps covering their face with a pillow trying to get them to stop.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. 

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. 

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place.  Look them over and select the one you want.” 

The man dated the first daughter. 

The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.” 

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.” 

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.  So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” 

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. 

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified.  

The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. 

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.” 

Yeah, a lot of you younger folks aren’t going to get that one.

 

So…. okay … I’ll help you out…

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. 

I asked one nurse what the pin signified. 

Nothing,” she said with a smile. “It’s just to keep the doctors away.” 

SIGNS SHE IS BORED IN BED: 

Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. 

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. 

Only moans during commercial breaks. 

You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. 

During the act, she actually yelled out, “Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.” 

Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. 

Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin. 

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 

Keeps asking “Are you SURE you’re not gay?” 

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too. 

Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay 

This was sent to me by a long time reader and I found it quite interesting.  I don’t think I agree with it, but I can see as how some people could espouse this opinion.  Definitely an interesting article.

Best case scenario for Republicans is for Trump to lose soundly

Many die hard Republicans are secretly hoping so they can move on to becoming real Republicans.

https://www.alternet.org/trump-lose-soundly/

“The best possible outcome in November for the future of the Republican Party is for former President Donald Trump to lose and lose soundly,” Martin wrote. “Trump will never concede defeat, no matter how thorough his loss. Yet the more decisively Vice President Kamala Harris wins the popular vote and electoral college the less political oxygen he’ll have to reprise his 2020 antics; and, importantly, the faster Republicans can begin building a post-Trump party.”

Here’s the fact check that ABC didn’t give Kamala Harris

During Tuesday night’s debate, ABC News moderators David Muir and Linsey Davis interrupted Donald Trump five times to “fact-check” his answers.

They did the same to Kamala Harris … never.

The vice president was allowed to skate through the debate without substantive follow-up questions or pushback on some of her obviously false claims.

So since ABC didn’t do its job, here are some of the fact checks they should have made:

For the rest of this article click

And here’s our buddy Wouter from South Africa with a BUNCH of tombstones.  Some we’ve seen before and some are new.  I’ll give you a bit now and a bit next time.

Karma will get you!

Quote:

If you are going through hell, keep going. 

-Sir Winston Churchill(1874-1965)

I went to a restaurant that was so expensive that they didn’t have prices on the menu – just little faces with varying expressions of horror.

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. 

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. “Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” 

“It’s quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.” “Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re scaly and very smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management.” 

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did putting it together.  I am now off to do homework…of which I have a TON to get caught up on.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we can be together again.

Amazing as it seems, the above header is 12 years old.  I dug back in the old file cabinets for it.  It’s one of the more interesting ones.

So, I knew some work was going to have to be done on the Trike, but I really didn’t want to find out ten miles from home.  The Whelpling and I and my granddaughter (she was on the back of the Whelpling’s brand new Harley) were out riding and to make a long story short, the back brakes locked up.  Probably because it is 21 years old and it has sat for four years.  The only way to get them unlocked was to cut through the brake line to release the pressure.  (I rode home with just the front brakes, so needless to say, we took the backroads home.) And the clutch is way out of adjustment or ruined, so new brake assembly and probably clutch rebuild kit.

The Whelpling says he knows a guy.

We’ll see.

So, after having a nice long weekend, I have to go back to work tomorrow (today is Sunday), I will give everyone an opportunity to contribute to the bills this year since now I’m going to be spending a little bit more not only on myself than I previously thought, (so I won’t be able to kick in as much myself as I had thought) but on the website.  I’ve had a couple of complaints about older issues disappearing from the website when people went looking, not the issues themselves so much as the graphics from the issues.  The reason for that is that I’m very limited on storage space.  I’m only allotted 13 GB of storage and that’s an upgrade from the normal 6 GB.  When it gets full, I’m not able to post anything until I clear some of the old stuff out, so I usually go to the oldest stuff and delete it.  

Well, I’m gathering that is annoying some people, getting rid of Dragon Laffs History, which I totally understand.  Sadly, the next chunk of storage I can buy is 50 GB worth, which should give me plenty for the foreseeable future, but for just being electrons, that stuff sure is expensive!  By just adding that 50 GB of storage, it would basically take the annual charge for the website, domain name, email, etc. and increase the price three fold.  That storage space is expensive!  But, that’s the smallest chunk I can get next.

Anyway, here is where we were when we left off on Monday with our Wall of Fame:

You can go to the upper right hand corner of the website, where you are reading this right now and look for this:

Click on that and it will take you to our Paypal site where you can easily donate or if you like you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can give you my snail mail address or we can work something else out.

And now….

And I guess I should have put this first, but this just in… shots fired at … or NEAR … Trump again!  I’m sure you’ve heard all about it by the time you read this on Thursday, but come on!!!

And now, may I present…KARMA!

Watch this next one quick.  It goes by really fast..

Yeah, I know, it’s an old joke.

This is absolutely amazing!

Q: Did you hear about the divorced redneck? 

A: He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister. 

Massachusetts Law

In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

It was 60,000 bees.
IT WAS 60,000 BEES!!!
And they didn’t believe the poor girl!
And it cost them 33¢ per bee to get rid of them!
Or if you prefer…3 for $1.
3/$1
But…
it was 60,000 B   E   E   S   !   !   !

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. 

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” 

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” 

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, “I gladdened seven hearts today.” 

“Seven hearts?” asks the friend. “How did you do that?” 

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, “I performed three marriages.” 

The friend looks at him quizzically. “Seven?” he asks. “I could understand six, but…” 

“Well, what do you think,” says the rabbi, “that I do this for free?” 

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying. 

The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, “Peter. England. Pole throwing.” The guards let him in without hesitation.

The other two see this and are amazed. The Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, “McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also.

The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, “Murphy. Ireland. Fencing.”

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? 

Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman … I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.” 

“Oh, come on now,” said the friend, “Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry.” 

 “Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. 

The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”

 “Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.

 “She was looking for the perfect man,” he said.

The more the MSM says “Threat To Democracy” over and over and over again because the left told them to, not because anyone has any proof whatsoever…

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including looking for “birds” (Chinese slang for prostitute). 

One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, 

“Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as ‘Shooting Bird’ so that your mother will not suspect.”

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from Chung, the son,……(shooting bird – $300).

Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.

“Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one”.

A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son. On it he had written:

Shooting Bird – $50
Rifle Repair – $2,000

I’ve run out of time, but I wanted to give you a final update on the donation front before I go…

Blast Specialties, please write to me and remind me who you are so I can fix that.  I’m so sorry.  And I’m on my way to the jail and I’m very late, so I have to end this right here, may God Bless you all for your generosity, your friendship, and being my other family.

It’s a sad day for many of us.  A dear friend has passed away.  I think it is expressed best by this wonderful picture that was sent to me.

James, you will be missed.  Our heartfelt prayers go out to his family.

I’m starting this issue on Thursday and will probably continue it through the weekend.  This may be one of the last nice weekends I have to ride and I want to get as much time in on the trike as I can.  Not that the cold weather really bothers me, but I want to get as comfortable as I can on it so I can easily pass my rider’s test so I can ride at night.  Too many of the things that I want to do have me coming home after it gets dark.  Last night I rode to the jail for jail ministry and got done about 8 pm.  Sunset was at 8:01 pm.  (Tonight, one day later, it’s at 7:59)  I wouldn’t have said it was “dark” when I got home 15 minutes later, but I was still within the law.  I just looked it up.  I’m allowed to ride from 30 minutes before sunrise to 30 minutes after sunset.  That means that I can’t take the trike to FBI tonight because we don’t get out to 9 pm, that is way past time.  That’s the ride I’d like to take and not that anyone would probably stop me, but it’s against the law.

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the people who have donated so far and who have been put on the …

Since I know I’m going to get the question, these truly wonderful people have donated to the the annual “Help Impish Pay the Bills” drive.  Once a year the bills come due to keep this ezine running and ad free and I said that as long as donations cover the cost I would continue to put my time and effort into it so once a year I ask for donations.  And that’s worked out quite well for the last 18+ years.  If everyone gives a buck or two, less than the cost of a cup of coffee, it’s taken care of.  You can donate by going to the website at dragonlaffs.com 

and in the right hand column, towards the top you’ll see this box.  Click on that and it will take you to the Paypal site where you can donate.  Or, if you want click right HERE and that will take you to the Paypal site for you to donate.  Or if you don’t want to do any of that, you can email me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and talk to me about some other way.

Now, I said I wasn’t going to talk about that and I’m not going to talk about it, so let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

You know, your friend was right.

And I hope all of us feel that way!  I will always, 100%, listen to someone’s story.  Every time.

And this next one touched me so deeply that I shared it with the other grief counselors in my group and I’m going to use it at my next grief session.  Thank you so much Chris for sharing this with me.  It is VERY special.

I really do love that pig.  He is the best of the bunch with a heart of gold.

Simple, Cheap Food Dye Makes Skin Transparent to Give Doctors a ‘Window’ into the Body

You should be able to click on the title of this extraordinarily interesting article to read it, but in case you can’t, you can also click HERE.

Let’s see if this makes it a little easier…

There’s some “interesting” stuff there.

This one is a classic and has to be repeated.  Thanks brother Joe!

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

The boy yells back, “Roll of chicken wire.”

The old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

The boy says, “Catch some chickens.”

The old man yells, “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

The boy yells back, “Roll of duck tape.”

The old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

The boy says back, “Catch me some ducks.”

The old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

The boy says, “It’s a pussy willow.”

The old man says “Hold on, I’ll get my hat.”

Yeah, I know, I’ll have to start coming up with a different theme

There’s a really good joke about ex-wives in that picture somewhere, but I’m not going to go looking for it.

Perfect!

Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, The Engineer called to his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”

T-Square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was a pretty smart cat, but the Accountant said his cat could do better.  He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.  He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was really good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.  He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up picked up a 500ml graduated cylinder, walked over to the fridge, took out a liter of milk, got a 300 ml glass from the cupboard, measured and poured exactly 275 ml of milk into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good too.  Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers comp, and went home on sick leave.

I can honestly say that I wasn’t very good at that.  Which may be why I’ve had so many trials over the years so that I could practice.  I’ve gotten much better lately and amazingly, the trials have begun to diminish.  Even though I counsel people that all things are used towards furthering God’s plan, sometimes it’s hard to listen to my own counsel.

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut smoking the ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress and all his problems.”

The chief nodded.

The official continued, “Considering recent events, in your opinion where has the white man gone wrong?”

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied:

“When white man found this land Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.”

The chief smiled and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

They should probably work harder on placement.

And coffee is hot!  It’s amazing to me how much we’ve declined.

You may not be able to notice from the picture, but this guy is in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs.

I’m not sure that’s the smartest thing someone has ever done.

If I have seen more than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. 

-Sir Isaac Newton (1643 – 1728) 

Looking at his overweight patient, the doctor hands him a prescription and says, “Mr. Smith, you should make sure that you try to take these pills on an empty stomach… if such an opportunity ever presents itself.” 

I have so many questions.

Or put up a picture of a homeless Vet

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud crash. 

A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes.

Suddenly, I felt a stinging pain in my hand. There was a small cut from the scattered debris. 

I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor. 

“What happened?” he asked. 

“Attacked by a flying saucer,” I replied. 

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. 

When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who’s the handsome dude behind him. 

But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he’s unzipped. 

A young man is jogging through a park when he sees an old man sitting on a bench sobbing.  

Concerned, he stops by the bench.  “Is there anything I can do for you, sir?” 

“Oh,” sobs the old man, “everything’s wonderful.  I just married a gorgeous twenty-year old who’ll do anything for me, and even my children love her.  We have a beautiful house, a pool…” 

“So what’s the matter?”  the puzzled young man asks.

“I can’t remember where I live!” 

A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.

“Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long,” as the reporter. 

“Well, I don’t ever drink and I’ve never smoked,” replied the old geezer. “And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women.” 

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. 

The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. 

As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, “He, he, he!” and then continued his pursuit.

“What was that all about?” asked the astonished reporter.

Replied the old geezer, “Please excuse my father – he gets carried away sometimes!” 

And that’s it my friends.  I want to say 

To everyone who has donated so far to the ezine.  We’ve made a great start to meeting the goal.  May our dear God bless you all with Love and Happiness, Comfort and Friendship all the days of your life.  Until we meet again.

Let me add a fast PS here:  I’m updating this late on Sunday.  I just went and updated the Wall of Fame.  From the time that I finished this until now, a bunch more people have donated and I just wanted to say thanks.  You guys are doing a fantastic job!

I was just contacted by Stephanie to say that she had to wish Pop Smith a Happy Birthday today.  Even though there isn’t much left of today, I told her I would help her out, so here it is, a Happy Birthday to Pop Smith.  (And I’m STILL not sure why I’m in the middle of this.) And the required cartoon to go with it!

Okay, my work is done here.  Now I need to get back to work, so I can be ready for church tomorrow.  Sheesh, the things we do for those we love.

Cheers, I.D.