I’m bringing a horrible request to you my friends.  This time of year is tough enough. (Personally, I HATE it, but I am trying to bear through for the love of my daughter, but that is NOT the point here and if I get going down THAT path, I will close this laptop and climb into bed until the third week of January!!!!!!  Maybe I’ll explain my hatred for you new people later on.)  Anyway, where was I….

Izzy Dragon just now got notified about a dear friend at work who had her house burn down and they lost EVERYTHING.  They are devastated.  Izzy is crushed because the two of us just went out and did the last of our Christmas shopping today and she bought all the girls at work frivolous gifts (her words) and pretty much spent herself broke because it’s her first Christmas working at a place she really likes with people she really likes and now “I could have spent that money on the Go Fund Me and made a difference in Kassie’s life instead of something so stupid!”  (again, her words).  She’s pretty broke up about it and now wants to go back and return everything but got most of it on a special sale that she can’t return things for.

So my point.  I’m just putting this out there.  You guys have been so generous in the past for good causes, here’s the link for the Go Fund Me page

https://gofund.me/3e33a2eb

I know that every little bit will help.  I don’t know what he does for a living, but she does what my daughter does, which means she works hard and doesn’t get paid much for it.  So, if you can throw them a couple of bucks, I’m sure it will be appreciated.  I was the third person to donate.  I KNOW it’s a tough time of year for EVERYONE.  Like I said, I’m just putting it out there.  If you could pass the link on, I’d appreciate that, also.

Okay, so on to the fun stuff.  Let’s see if we can’t get things moving in the right direction here.  If you feel like it, I’d appreciate hearing from any of you who contribute…you know …. just so I know.

Thanks my friends.  God Bless you all.

A little bit of seriousness next…

Most people have NO IDEA how unbelievably HARD this time of year is for a LOT of us.  PTSD is yet one more way…

Yeah, I had that duty one year.  I got in trouble for eating all the cookies.

Yeah….Calvin, I’ve been there brother.  I feel ya!

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

This next video is absolutely amazing!

What a cool story!  Here’s a really good website that tells the origins and the whole story if you’re interested.  It’s really a neat tradition.  Here

10 Unexplained Historical Mysteries That Still Give Chills

No Kidding!  I agree 100%!!!

What a GREAT analogy!!!!

Here’s an article from Stephanie that you guys might find interesting…I did.

Murdered Insurance CEO Had Deployed an AI to Automatically Deny Benefits for Sick People

Anger at the insurance industry is reached a boiling point.

One liners and puns from Chris…some old, some new, some funny, some … meh!

I just read a book entitled “How to survive falling down a staircase”. It’s a step by step guide published last fall.

Every morning I walk my cow through the vineyard. Yes, I herd it through the grapevine.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s humerus.

My husband called me from his job at the Velcro factory and said he was stuck at work.

I’ve been busy writing a pun about the wind. I can’t post it yet, it’s just a draft.

Head lice are now resistant to all the usual medical treatments, which has scientists scratching their heads.

People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode.

I’m currently reading a book called: ‘There’s a hole in my bucket!’ by Lee King.

Husband: I think you’re right. 
Wife: I didn’t say anything yet.
Husband: I’m just trying to save time.

My email password has been hacked again. That’s the 3rd time I’ve had to rename the cat.

I saw a sign at a restaurant that said: “Shoes must be worn.” I was upset because my shoes were brand new.

I am writing a book about beer. I’m on my 4th draft.

Ever wonder about those people who spend all that money on those little bottles of Evian brand water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

Why do I tell jokes in elevators? Because they’re funny on many levels.

A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition has been described as stable.

This one is from Lynn and it is a cool story!  Thanks Lynn.

The 45 meters long Roman Road that was discovered during construction work for a new Mcdonald’s in Marino, Italy.

 Three skeletons were found on the sides of the road. McDonald’s incorporated a glass floor in the restaurant after excavations were complete. McDonald’s financed the restoration that was managed by Rome’s Superintendency for Archaeology, Fine Arts and Landscape.

There’s a lot more people out here who hate this time of year than you would think.

The very meek pastor wasn’t known for exciting sermons.  One Sunday his wife was not feeling
well and had to stay home.

As he was ready to leave their house and walk to the church, his wife asked what he was going to speak about.

He replied that he was going to talk about their recent vacation and going horseback riding.

As he was walking he paused and thought it would be just another less than exciting talk. It was time to shake things up, so he decided to talk about sex!

The next day as his wife was doing her weekly food shopping she met a few ladies from their church.  “Oh my, one lady said. Your husband gave quite a talk yesterday!  He sounded like a real expert and you must be proud of him”.

Mrs. Pastor replied: “I’m quite surprised. He only tried it twice and both times he was bounced off!”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The supervisor for the Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.

“Men — we’ve agreed on a new deal with the state. We’ll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!” 

“HOOORAY!!!” the crowd cheered. 

“We’ll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!” 

“HOORAY!!!” the crowd roared. 

“We don’t have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM!”

“HOORAY!!!” the crowd thundered. 

“And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by traffic cones, we’ll only have to work on Wednesdays!!” 

Silence. 

A voice from the back of the room asks, “You mean, EVERY Wednesday?” 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 

– Anonymous

I was reading how a female spider will eat the male spider after mating.

I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support.

A boy had reached the age of four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.” 

Later that day, walking in the park, the mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. 

The four-year-old looked at her for a minute, then said, “Uh-oh . . I know what YOU’VE been doing!”

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?” 

“No,” she replied. “I’m sorry, it isn’t.” 

“Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.” 

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House.” 

The man asked, “And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?” 

“The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00.” 

“That’s more like it!” the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.” 

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, “but according to union rules, Esther here has seniority.” 

All so very true!!!!

Confourn It!

I want to share something with you that really pissed me off.  Izzy told me about this and then shared the link with me and when I read it, I got madder and madder.  I’ll let you read the article and then I’ll talk about it.

Bullies sneak into ICU to snap photos of 12-year-old girl they drove to hang herself: lawsuit

So, have you already heard about this crap?  First, I want two three sets of people lined up: 
#1 I want the kids that were bullying this girl. 
#2 I want the teachers and administrators in the school that were allowing this to go on…and from the sounds of it, participating in it. 
#3 I want the parents of the bullies.

Izzy thinks the kids deserve the death penalty.  That they are unsaveable.  I told her that I thought that was a bit over the top, but she was bullied in school and has a real hard spot in her heart for bullies.  What is wrong with you???!!!  How can you possibly behave that way?  And how do you, as parents, not know that your kids are that rotten?  Maybe you don’t know exactly what they are doing all the time when they are at school and what not, but you HAVE to know what kind of scum-sucking dirt bags they are if they are THIS bad.  And you teachers who knew what was going on and not only did nothing but threw in?   Gave tacit approval?  You will NEVER … EVER teach again!!!!  You will be charged criminally with any and all crimes that I can come up with.  And corporal punishment for ALL OF YOU IS 100% in line because it’s obvious that NONE OF YOU got your butts beaten enough when you were kids to give you the discipline and respect that you need to be a functioning human being.

How could you do that to one of God’s children!  How could you do that and call YOURSELF one of God’s children!

Okay…..moving on…

And that’s all I have time for my friends.  I have to end it here. 

Just a quick word for those of you who haven’t been here that long.  The explanation for why I’m not crazy about the holidays… December 26, 2021 my dear wife, Mary went in the hospital.  Two days after my birthday and one day after Christmas.  She came home and went back in twice.  Each time we were told she would be fine.  I don’t remember whether she was home or in the hospital for New Year’s Eve and all that, but on January 8, 2022, I gave the nurse permission to shut off the IV that was keeping her alive because by then all of her family that wanted to be there was there.  It was really just keeping her heart beating, she wasn’t there any longer.  She died on the anniversary of my daughter taking her own life two years earlier.  

I really, really thought it would be easier by now.  I can’t help but associate the holiday season with the loss of my best friend, and partner.  I’m trying so hard not to show it for Izzy’s sake, she seems to have gotten past it so much better than I have.

So, that’s enough about that.  

May God bless you all with love and happiness until we meet again.

Welcome to the next Christmas issue!  I hope you liked the format for the last issue.  I did the math and there is no way, doing it the way that I did last issue that I will ever get through all the Christmas stuff that I have.  So, I’m going to put even MORE stuff in this issue and then MORE in the next and … but don’t worry, there will be the regular funny stuff in there as well.  Because I know that all us get sick and tired of Christmas after a while.

I mean, I love this time of year as much as the next chap, but …. come on!  At some point in time, “Bah! Humbug!” has to jump in there somewhere, am I right?

I know there are some of you out there who are saying no, but there are some of you out there who are already sick and tired of it.  I’m not really sure where I am right now.  I’m not a big fan of any holiday simply because I tired of being lonely.  But, that’s my problem.

So, let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?

That’s funny!  Why is it funny?  Isn’t it true that anyone who is a good Christian nowadays is considered a crazy religious fanatic and if you say that it’s wrong to have an abortion or same sex marriage than you are bigoted or anti LGB-whatever?  Exactly.  That’s what they are saying.  Charles Spurgeon’s quote is right on the money.  So, Impish, why is that funny to you?  Because, dear reader, Charles Spurgeon died on January 31, 1892.  Almost 133 years ago.  Evil doesn’t change my friends. 

This next clip is WAY COOL … at least I thought it was.

Wow!  Just … wow!

Okay, this one is from our dear Stephanie.  It is pretty good, make sure you turn on the sound.  Click HERE.

Okay, so it’s a little dated, but it’s still funny.

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. 

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became priests. 

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope. 

In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. 

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope! 

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?” 

After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. 

“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ” Pope Secola.” 

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to let the shop on the left.

The owner says, “Fine, what kind of shop do you have?” The guy says, “A menswear shop.” The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign. “Menswear,” says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants “Menswear” on his sign. The owner tells him that the lefthand shop will be the same. “No problem,” says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to let the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign.

The guy replies: “Entrance.”

Late one Friday nightthe policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. 

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. 

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.” 

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me???!!!”

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. 

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. 

This is wonderful!!!!

Two cars were waiting at a traffic light. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at at the man to move. The man doesn’t move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

Then I noticed the: “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper ticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So, naturally . .
. . . . I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Only in the south… three wise men come from a far.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. 

– Dave Barry. (1947 – )

Really like Dave Barry.  I didn’t realize that he was that old.

Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with long beards were  playing  golf.

A guy named Mulvaney wanted to play golf and this  was the only  threesome  in which he could play. So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72. So, he says to the Rabbis, “How come you guys shoot such good golf?”

The head Rabbi says, “When you lead a religious life, and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded.”

Mulvaney, a true lover of golf, thinks: “What have I got to lose?”

He converts to Judaism, joins a synagogue near his home, attends services  regularly and leads a holy life.

About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis.

He shoots  a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71.

He says to them, “OK, I converted, I  joined a  Synagogue, I observe the Torah and I still shoot a 104. What’s the deal?”

“What synagogue did you join?” asks the head Rabbi.

“Beth Shalom” is Mulvaney’s reply.

The Rabbi retorted: “Schmuck, that one is for tennis!”

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tour guide while walking in the jungle, “Are we safe here? Aren’t there cannibals roaming these woods?”   

The guide says, “You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa.”   

The tourist says, “But it’s possible there may be some cannibals?”   

The guide says, “No, rest assured. We ate the last one on Monday.” 

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.  Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.

Connie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench.  She waited and waited.  After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Lori coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

“Hey, Connie,” said Lori, “how’d you do?”

“Not very good,” came the reply.  “I’ve been waiting here for hours.”

Lori said, “You should have been with me…did I ever find a good machine!  It’s way in the back.  Come!  I’ll show it to you…you can’t lose!  Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!”

A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota.

The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don’t, I’m going to have to impound them as evidence.”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take ’em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!.” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, What?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” The man asked.

“The FISH.”

“What fish?” The man asked . . .

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.

One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. 

Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.

The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy,

“Have you seen my Titswiggle?”

Then the boy said,

“No, but can that be my reward?”

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.

Jerry asks, “What is wrong with you, Tom?”

“Please don’t ask.”

“I am your childhood friend. Talk to me.”

“My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant.”

“That’s not possible.”

“No, he did.”

“How’s that possible?” 

“He punctured my condoms!”

In the early 60’s an American reporter going around pre-war Vietnam was surprised to see a peasant riding a donkey while his wife, loaded down with bundles, trudged several yards behind. Shocked at this lack of chivalry, the American approached the Vietnamese and asked, “Aren’t you ashamed to ride this donkey while your poor wife walks behind carrying all those goods?” 

“Tradition!” said the Vietnamese, holding up an admonitory finger; “Tradition!” 

Came the Vietnam war, and the reporter was back again as a war correspondent of his New York newspaper. 

Walking along a village road one evening he came across the same peasant he had met a few years earlier. While the man was still riding his donkey, this time his wife walked several yards in front. 

“I thought tradition demanded that your wife should be walking behind you,” said the American. “Why the change?”

And the Vietnamese replied with a shrug, “Land mines!” 

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.” 

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.” 

“Ah, ha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder … those are friars!” 

Two bachelors were talking. One said to the other, “I got a cookbook the other day, but I can’t do any of the recipes.”

“Why? Are they too difficult?” asked the second. 

“No,” the first replied. “It’s just that they all start with the same thing: ‘Take a clean dish…'” 

And that makes perfect sense.

It’s worth watching this next one to the end for the final fact!

So many won’t get that one.

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia’s most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course. 

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, “Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?” 

“Oh, yes, indeed,” said Auntie, beaming. “Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,” she added, as she held out her hands, “I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they’re all about.”

One day, two blonde men were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm. 

The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” 

He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.” 

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. 

They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. 

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. 

Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” 

Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.” 

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.” 

Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.” 

But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.”

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh my God, we’re going to be millionaires!” 

That’s it my friends.  I have to dash.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Yes, I know, it’s just after Thanksgiving, but a couple of things here…first, there are only 7 episodes left, counting this one, before Christmas!  Second, I have a TON of Christmas cartoons, memes, and stuff to share and I’d like to share those, plus the new ones I’m sure to get from you guys between now and then without having entire ezines filled with JUST Christmas stuff, and C, this is a wonderful holiday season, why not stretch it out and enjoy it?

Although, my own Izzy Dragon committed sacrilege on Thanksgiving Day and set up our Christmas Tree!  Now, she didn’t decorate it, other than putting lights on it, but she put it UP ON THANKSGIVING!  I told her she was a HEATHEN!

I’m in the middle of studying for my New Testament final for FBI.  This one is going to be a bit harder than the Theology one was.  It’s going to be on the Epistles of John (1, 2, & 3 John) and Revelation.  So, not ALL of the New Testament.  I’m not sure if I explained this or not, but this is a 6 semester course, and I started in the 6th semester.  Each semester has a section on the Old Testament, the New Testament, and Theology.  So, next semester I’ll be in semester 1 and I will graduate in the Spring of 2027.  I’m not sure what I will get for graduating other than the satisfaction of a job well done and the ABUNDANCE of knowledge that I am gaining and the sheer enjoyment, but … well … that is more than enough.

Anyway, I think at this point, it’s time to move on to the fun stuff, don’t you?  So …

Look for it, you’ll see it.

25 Hilarious Relationships Memes Only Long Term Married Couples Would Understand

I guess we started something with the optical illusions …. here’s a couple more

Okay, this one is seriously messed up!!!!

50 Cursed Randoms to Freak You Out

Okay, I just got this texted to me and I have to ask, is there anyone out there who is actually clicking on these links?  I just click the “Report Junk” button and move on, but I feel sorry for the guy who has that phone number because you know it’s spoofed.  He’s probably getting a ton of calls.  People please, you HAVE to know that any of these unsolicited text messages like this one are pure nonsense.  Just delete them.

~ Jean Kerr. 
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Prince Philip… 
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

~ Harrison Ford..   
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan… 
The best cure for Seasickness is to sit under a tree.

~ Jean Rostand… 
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger… 
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Johnny Carson… 
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Steve Martin… 
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante…  
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ George Roberts… 
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters…   
If God had intended us to fly He would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Robert Benchley…   
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ John Glenn…   
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ David Letterman…   
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. 

~ Howard Hughes… 
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.  Actually, I’m a billionaire.

~ 
Old Italian proverb…  
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

I think that is an awesome idea!

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father’s young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped. 

One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbour watched the scene with amusement. “Frank,” he finally commented, “you’re the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!” 

I found this next one extremely interesting…

Okay, some of these are REALLY WEIRD!!

What a GREAT idea!  I’ve got to go out and buy one of those little bitty spray cans of WD-40.  Pocket sized.

Stumpy was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to him with a snarl, ‘Sir, there’s no smoking in here.’

Stumpy said, ‘I’m not smoking lady.’

‘But you have a cigar in your mouth,’ the woman said.

‘Lady, ‘ Stumpy answered, ‘I’ve got on Jockey shorts, too, but I’m not riding a horse.’ ” 

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants’ toilet doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. 

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men’s room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled “Bronco,” and the other was designated “Cactus.”

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. “Excuse me; I need to use the toilet,” Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, “Which one should I use?” 

“Actually, we would prefer you to go there,” the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked “Men.” “Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms.” 

Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you the dime.”

“You aren’t the one I’m looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!”

This one is QUITE interesting!

“If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of  playing golf I swear I would drop dead,” she screamed. 

“There’s no point in trying to bribe me,” replied the husband.

Nebraska Laws 

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless  they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

This next article is from Ted.  It’s a little dated, but worth reading nonetheless, if for no other reason, so that we know.

Students Who Were Booted from Kamala Rally for Saying ‘Jesus Is Lord’ Set the Record Straight

Don’t we all know people like that?

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” 

-Joan Crawford ( ? – 1977)

Camping Tips

____________

* A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. 

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks. 

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a sling- shot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. 

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. 

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”

*It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. 

*Effective January 1, 2004, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to operate a Swiss Army Knife. 

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. 

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. “Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???” 

Goldblum shuddered. God went on. “I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!” Goldblum sighed with relief.

“Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?” Bauman hung his head in shame.

“Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I’m not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.” Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. 

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, “You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying…. “Closed for the Holidays !!!” 

I went shopping the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic officer writing a parking ticket. 

So I went up to him and said ‘ Come on Pal, how about giving a guy a break?’ 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! 

So I called him a piece of horse dung. 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!! 

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

I didn’t care.  My car was parked around the corner…….

Okay, so something told me to check on this reference, mostly, I think because I just took my New Testament test this morning.  I got a 98%!  I missed one question.  It was a question that I argued with myself over because of the way it was worded.  Very confusing and it was circular logic by my thinking.  I marked it false because of the circular thinking of it and they said it was true.  Oh well.  I’m am PERFECTLY HAPPY with a 98!  

Anyway, something told me to check on this reference and I was right.  The reference above is only the threat or the negative portion.  They should have really said, “Revelation 21: 6-8”.  Here, I’ll show you what I mean.

⁶ He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. ⁷ Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. ⁸ But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”

Verse 8 is the consignment to hell for those who, after the 7 year tribulation are still unbelievers and unrepentant.  Verse 6 speaks of eternal life and verse 7 are invited to the wedding.  Jesus is the Groom and the Church is the Bride.  And if we continue on from verse 8 we get a further description of the Bride of the Lamb.

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. 

They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. 

Noon comes, no dictator…10 minutes longer…no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

How many of you out there remember this guy?

And with that my friends, we are done for another episode.  Until we meet again, may you be blessed with love and happiness, comfort and warmth.

Happy Thanksgiving my dear, dear friends and family.  We all have so much to be thankful for.  No matter how much we don’t like holidays, no matter how much we are not looking forward to the holidays, no matter how much pain the holidays cause us … and yes, I am describing myself in gruesome detail … but NO MATTER!

WE STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!

God has blessed me beyond all possible belief this year.  I have learned so much in FBI.  I’ve been blessed in the ministries that He’s allowed me to be a part of.  And He’s given me SO MANY opportunities to grow.

I’m thankful for my daughter and my son.  For my grandkids, and for all my extended families.  For all of you out there who care so much for me and mine, for my church family, and the men in jail who teach me so much, for the other members of my other ministries, and the other students in FBI.  For my work family and the men and women that I get to work and interact with on base.

Mostly I’m thankful for a Father in Heaven who gave us His only begotten Son as a sacrifice for our sins, so that we might spend eternity…forever, in Paradise, in Glorious Heaven with Him.

Now, I must confess that last episode I forgot something really important.  I forgot to show you where the circles were on the Coffer Illusion.  Remember this one?

And I told you I was going to show you were the circles were?  Okay, well, here’s the deal one more time for those of you who may have missed it.  This is called the Coffer Illusion.  There are 16 circles and once you see them, you’ll never be able to unsee them.  I told Lynn that I couldn’t see them and she told me to focus on the vertical lines between the squares and eventually, that made the circles pop out for me.

Now, for you guys, right after the first three memes, I’m going to circle where one of the circles are and if that doesn’t help you find them, then…well…I don’t know what to do for you.  So now, get ready for probably the largest Dragon Laffs to date!

Okay, here it is….

That’s where one of the 16 is.  And there are 15 more in the same place.  4 per row between the squares.  Good luck!

Okay, a little bit of background here…
First, this one is from Stephanie (Surprise, Surprise!)
Second, these really aren’t THAT Wild, Shocking, and Unbelievable as BuzzFeed may want you to believe.  I actually know about quite a few of these and I’m a nobody.
And third, a couple of these are pretty cool.

 

19 Wild, Shocking, And Unbelievable CIA Documents That Have Actually Been Declassified

Good question.  I’ll let you know if I get that old.

George Carlin from 1992!  

Watch this and laugh!!!!!

This one is from Lynn and it’s really cool!

This is what AI thinks Thanksgiving Dragon looks like:

I’m not really crazy about the “cutesy” coffee pictures, but I kinda like this one, so I kept it.

And for this next one, remember we talked about her in the last episode and Aussie Pete sent this along for this week.  Thanks Pete.

This one is from Stephanie and it’s just plain funny!

I’m not sure if I used that one before or not, so to be sure, I’m putting it in again.

Michigan Law

Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES 

One of a pair of identical twins is evil. 

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 

It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one… dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors. 

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue. 

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22. 

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement. 

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her. 

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops. 

It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, 
even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear. 

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. 

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. 

“I know that smart-alec Tex,” said the first. “He’s going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.” 

“Not Tex,” said the second. “He’ll always be just a good ol’ boy. When he walks in, I’m sure all he’ll say is hello.” 

“I know Tex better than any of you,” said the third. “He’s so smart, he’ll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!”

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, “Audi, partners!” 

On their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

“Oh. it’s not over yet”, says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box.

She opens it in anticipation, “But what are these two little pills?”

“Aspirin”, says he.

“But I don’t have a headache,” says she.

“There you are, I told you the evening wasn’t over yet,” says he.

I would try it.

What is the difference between bagpipes and an onion? 

Nobody cries when you chop the bagpipes into little pieces.

This is actually pretty cool for those of us who are interested in such things.

Count it out in your head…9 seconds!

And now a couple of others to round it out

How many of you got that one?  So, should I again, this year, play the YouTube of the episode that it comes from?

A guy meets a childhood pal. 

“What are you doing for yourself these days?” 

“I’m a fireman.” 

“Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.” 

“Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, ’cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.” 

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. 

“Well, did your son become a fireman?” 

“No, but I have two daughters who are “dancers.” 

I love it when we reference back to an earlier joke.

Okay, this one is really pretty cool!

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds a person down or polishes a person up depends on what one is made of.

Unknown

If the day before a holiday is called the Eve, is the day after a holiday called the Adam? 

Joe was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. 

Joe asked, “When did you bag him?” 

The old man said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.” 

“What’s he stuffed with?” asked Joe. 

“My ex-wife,” replied the old man.

I’ve actually done that…well…it wasn’t a pie, it was a lasagna, but still…

Been There, Done That!

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every  morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, “Son, come with me.” He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, “That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it’s paid for, we’ll get you a car.” The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, “Okay, Dad.” 

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse … “as soon as that tractor is paid for…” 

Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ‘ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, “Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn’t do anything to you to deserve that!” 

The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, “Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for. 

Okay, and just to finish up with some Thanksgiving stuff!

And with that my friends, I like to wish you all, a very Happy Thanksgiving.  May God Bless each of you with happiness, love, comfort, warmth, and family this day.  I am thankful for each and every one of you.  My love to you all!

Today is Friday night, although you are reading this on Monday morning.  Well, I don’t know really WHEN you are reading this, but the EARLIEST you could be reading this is Monday morning, how’s that?  Anyway, after all that, I forgot where I was going with that…

Anyway, I just caught up on my emails and got all my pictures filed in the folders they need to be in so that now I’m ready to put together the next issue and be as creative as I can be.  

Tomorrow, Saturday, I am spending the day with the Whelpling and his family so that means that I am gonna see my grandkids.  We are going to celebrate Thanksgiving with his family on since he has to work on Thursday.  I’m not sure how much of my daughter-in-law’s extended family is going to be there, but it should be a fun time.  Maybe I’ll share some pictures with you guys towards the end of this episode.

His dear wife, my DIL, when I asked her what I should bring, she said dessert.  And I knew from an earlier conversation on Facebook that I had seen that she didn’t want anyone bringing pumpkin pie because apparently last year, that’s all anyone brought.  There was a TON of pumpkin pie and nothing else.

When I mentioned this to her, she laughed and said, “No Dad, if you want to bring pumpkin pie, you can bring pumpkin pie.”  Which sounded an awful lot like, “The grandpa can bring anything the GRANDPA wants to bring!!!”  I told her, “No, I can find an ‘unusual’ dessert to bring.”

So, I am making sweet, crockpot bread pudding.  Never tried it in a crockpot before.  I’ll get up in the morning and throw it all together, take Izzy to work, by the time it’s time to leave for the hour and a half drive it ought to be about done, it will stay warm in the crockpot, and when I get there, I’ll plug it in and it will stay on warm.  I think it’s a good plan.

What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

While we all are contemplating that, why don’t we get started with laffs, shall we?

There’s a great story that goes along with this one.  Lynn sent this one and this is what she originally wrote: 

This is called the coffer illusion. There are 16 circles in this picture. 

Once you see them, you can’t unsee them.

After much staring and unfocusing my eyes, like you do with some pictures to make them 3D and such, I finally wrote back to her and said, “Well, I guess I just won’t be able to see them.”  So, Lynn writes back to me and says: 

Focus on vertical lines between each ‘square’.

💙

And I STILL can’t see any circles.  I take the picture to work on my phone and show it to my two guys at work.  After about 20 minutes, one of them says, “Well, in the corners of the squares I see little tiny dot like things, I’ll bet that’s what she meant.  But there’s a lot more than 16 of them.”  And I said then that’s just not … and WHAM!  They jumped out at me so hard!

And now, like she said, I can’t unsee them.

So, I want to know … how’d you do?  Can you see them?  I’ll put the outline of one of them a little farther back in the issue so you’ll know if you’re right or not, but trust me…you’ll KNOW when you see it for real.

The next link is from Stephanie (of course) and the title speaks for itself:

The Most Toxic Tree in the World Is Found in America, and Its 12,000x More Lethal Than a Rattlesnake

What happens to a little lamb that is rejected by its mother, it will hang its head so low it looks as if the lamb is beyond depressed ..!!! Every once in a while, a ewe will give birth to a lamb and reject it. There are lots of reasons she may do this. If the shepherd tries to return the lamb, the mother might even kick the baby away. Once a ewe rejects one of her lambs, she will never change her mind.

These little lambs will hang their heads so low that it looks like something is wrong with their little necks. Their spirits are broken.

These lambs are called “bummer lambs.” 

Unless the shepherd intervenes, that little lamb will die – rejected and alone. 

Do you know what the shepherd usually does?

The shepherd will take that rejected little lamb into their home, hand-feed it and keep it warm. They will wrap it up with blankets and hold it to their chest so the little lamb can hear their heartbeat. Once the lamb is strong enough, the shepherd will place it back in the field with the rest of the flock.

That sheep never forgets the shepherd’s love and care when their mother rejected them. When the shepherd calls for the flock, guess which sheep runs first? That sheep knows the shepherd’s voice.

The bummer lamb isn’t loved more, it just knows intimately the one who loves it. It trusts the shepherd because it has experienced love from the shepherd.

Many of us are bummer lambs. Rejected and broken. But Jesus is the good Shepherd. He cares for our every need and holds us close to His heart so we can hear His heartbeat.

We may be broken but we are deeply loved by the Shepherd who will never leave us.

~ Author Unknown

This one was sent to us by our dear friend Wouter from South Africa.

Amen!

“Snack holes” is PERFECT!!

“To This Day, I Still Have No Idea What I Was Thinking”: 25 Stories About The Dumbest Ways People Have Injured Themselves

Yup, it HAS to be free.  Otherwise none of us would EVER be able to pay for it.

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

     —Woody Allen

Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. 

“Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor. 

“Yes, sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.” 

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”

Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street, singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They come to a stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing. After a few minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, “Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else.”

“Are ye Mrs. Flaherty?” asks one of the drunks.

“Faith now, ye know full well that I am,” says she.

“Well, could ye come down an’ tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home.”

I have been that besotted.

Things To Think About . . . .


Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Sure!  Why not?  It works in our schools, in our prisons, … and the same thing happens.  Our wives and daughters will be abused, raped, or worse.  But our government thinks this is perfectly acceptable.  Because we don’t want to hurt the poor fox’s feelings.

Ahhh, but we have to admit how many times we have fallen…at least to God.  Part of repentance (and therefore forgiveness) is confession of our sins and how many times we have fallen.  No matter how hard it is, we must throw ourselves to our faces and confess to God that we have wronged Him.  It’s not like He doesn’t know already anyway.

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project – Steve,  Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bluey says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Bluey?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Bluey replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

“Well not exactly,” Bluey says. “When she answered the door, I said to her,’You must be Steve’s widow’.

She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’

And I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are’.”

You get those instances in life where you say to yourself, “I wonder what ever happened to …”  Trust me, as you get older, it happens more and more.  Well, this next one from Joe in NJ answers one of those questions for me…

That’s your warning call for Thursday!  And the next one…

Another interesting read from Stephanie

The Creepiest Haunted House in Every State

Society is doomed!

This is an old classic.  But it is terribly funny and well worth the read and I’m quite glad that it came back around again.  Thanks to Lynn for sending.

Wow, it’s amazing how many ways that one is wrong.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.

I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. 

Astonished, one of them says,  “I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shit-faced.” 

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, “My dad says he will marry my mother next year.” 

Despite this the nun stays right where she is.  Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, “My old man will never EVER marry my mother!” 

The nun looks up from her food and says, “Would one of you bastards please pass the salt?” 

Three kingdoms were in dispute over claims to an island in the middle of lake on which they all bordered. Finally, after exhausting all diplomatic options, the rulers of the three kingdoms decided to send their best knights to the island for a great battle, and the winning kingdom would have claim to the island forever.

On the night before the battle, the three knights rowed out to the island, each with a retinue of their best squires. Two of the groups of squires promptly got down to the business of polishing armor, sharpening weapons, and just generally making sure their respective knights were ready to face the others in the morning.

Meanwhile, the third squire tied a rope around the handle of a large kettle, hoisted it off the ground by a tree branch, and began cooking dinner, leaving his knight to tend to his own armor and weapons.

The battle, which began promptly at sunrise, was spectacular.

Three knights in gleaming armor clashed with razor-sharp weapons. On and on it raged, until all three knights were dead.
Since the conflict had not been resolved, the squires then engaged in a battle of their own, until the only squire left standing was the one who had hoisted up the kettle to cook dinner the night before.

The moral: “The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two sides!”

I really like that one.  It hurts me that some of you may not get it.

I got married,” said the first tavern regular, “so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.”  

The other regular replied, “that’s strange; cuz that’s the reason why I got divorced!” 

Q: What’s the difference between husbands and prisoners? 

A: Prisoners complain behind bars.  Husbands complain in them.

And that is it my friends.  I look forward to talking to you on Thanksgiving.  May you all be blessed this week with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.